Post by The Polar Phantasm on Jul 10, 2012 8:02:10 GMT -5
.... Iceberg-Six online.
.... System Time: Mon Jul 09 2012 07:54:14
.... System Countdown: Less than 40 cycles until timed event.
.... Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'.
.... Opening project file 'Seven'...
.... Iceberg-Six idle.
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"Come on baby now throw me a right to the chin
Don't just stare like you never cared
I know you did
But you just smile like a bank teller
blankly telling me
have a nice life..." -Ben Folds Five, "Selfless, Cold And Composed"
"When you come back you will not be you. And I may not be I.” - E.M. Forster, The Life to Come and Other Stories
"...sometimes you warm my heart, baby." -Kid Phantasm
"Come on, let's go. You know no matter what happens I'll be there for you until the end..." -Nightmare
"I know, baby. I'd be lost without you." -Kid Phantasm (Unstable Elements #9)
[Some days you can't win for losing. Our hero, Kid Phantasm, for instance... well, he seems to have been having one of those months, actually. The Kid's successes have almost all seemed to come with some degree of tragedy surrounding them, haven't they? He won his first ever title, Global Extreme Wrestling's Deathmatch Title, in his first meeting with Nightmare... their subsequent flight with the title to Reading caused Kid Phantasm no end of trouble with his former employer, Ricky Richards (now 'business partner' of his current employer, Seth Lerch). When Kid Phantasm won the WCF People's Title, his victory came at the cost of the very life of his friend Switches the Clown (whose ghost is thought by Kid - and a few notable others - to haunt the belt to this very day). The formation of Pantheon should have been a crowning moment in the young career of our boy Kid P, but instead it caused Monsters Inc. to form almost immediately afterwards (and seemingly over the kidnapping of Nightmare). Kid's good friend and tag team partner Jeff Purse 'won' Nightmare back at WCF's Blast, but in the Kid's efforts to retrieve her he was knocked out by Nathan von Liebert, having the People's Title stolen just as he got back his other half...]
[...perhaps the cruelest twist of fate, then, would be getting Nightmare back just to lose her again... unfortunately for Kid Phantasm, this is not theoretical. Each morning since that one particular morning, earlier this week, he has awoken hoping above all else that she'd be there next to him... and each morning, no matter how hard he wishes, he wakes up alone. You could say he's lonely, or depressed... but neither would be particularly true. No, that's not what's up with the Kid... but make no mistake about it. Something is up with the Kid. His woman's fallen into the abyss and he's started feeling like a 'downer' around his friends... in other words, there's a great big hole in Kid Phantasm's life, and something's gonna fill it. Will it be a victory in the Monarch Of The Mat tournament? Only time will tell... but for now, at least, if the Kid can't have his Nightmare he appears to be making due with his daydreams. Is one of the other seven competitors in XIII's tournament the Kid's greatest foe, or is it his own wandering mind?]
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KID PHANTASM #20: "Selfless, Cold, And Composed"
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[Scene: Pantheon East Coast Headquarters (Fly Manor, New York City)... more specifically, the bedroom of the Unstable Elements. Kid Phantasm wakes up in the beautifully-painted room on a big soft bed... alone. He rolls over, noticing the complete lack of resistance to his motion, which confirms in his mind that he isn't hallucinating... Nightmare has left him. Kid Phantasm sighs.]
Phantasm: Fuck this.
[Kid Phantasm rolls out of the bed, quickly heading towards a desk at the foot of his bed... as he sits in the desk's rolling high-backed office chair, he presses a small oval button on a familiar netbook computer. About one and one-half seconds later, a simple blue background pops up, and a familiar (albeit electronic) voice greets him.]
Iceberg-Six: Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'... what would you like to-
Phantasm: We're going to work, Eye-Six.
Iceberg-Six: Certainly. Would you like me to prepare files on your opponents for event 'XIII'?
Phantasm: Later, Eye-Six. First thing I need you to do is open up all files labeled 'Project Seven'. Second thing I need you to do is find that shopping list at the bottom of it and get everything you see listed there overnighted.
Iceberg-Six: Opening file 'Project Seven'... accessing list. List located. Shall I have it sent to our current address?"
Phantasm: No, Eye-Six... have it sent to the other one. The one in Nevada. And let me know when you're finished all of that, 'cause the next things we're overnighting to Nevada are us.
Iceberg-Six: Error: it is against United States federal regulations to ship humans as cargo.
[The Kid laughs.]
Phantasm: I love it when you do that, Eye-Six.
Iceberg-Six: Thank you, user 'Kid Phantasm'. You programmed me to correct any visible mistakes.
Phantasm: No, I meant make me laugh. I didn't even have to program you with a sense of humor... you just kinda grew one.
Iceberg-Six: Error-
Phantasm: Alright, alright, I get it. I was kidding, Eye-Six. Book me on the first flight to McCarran International Airport, Las Vegas... if I'm gonna wake up every morning in a big empty house, I'm doing it in my own damn house. At the very least we're gonna get to work turning that big empty house into a home. Starting with Project Seven.
Iceberg-Six: Acknowledged.
[The Kid looks out the window at the city below.]
Phantasm: It's a new day, Eye-Six... a good day to build something.
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[Scene: an opulent residential street in Las Vegas, Nevada. A yellow taxicab pulls up in front of a house we've seen before, though not in a while*. Once upon a time, Jonny Fly purchased this house from its previous owner mere days before the last XIII event in April of this year... purchased it, in fact, as a gift for his newfound friends the Unstable Elements (and also to show up a house full of hoity-toity Vegas celebrities). Here we are three months later... Kid Phantasm has finally come to claim his property, co-incidentally mere days before another XIII. The door of the taxicab swings open... we see Kid Phantasm pass a few bills to the driver of the vehicle as he climbs out, dragging a rolling suitcase. A computer case is slung over one shoulder. Kid Phantasm brushes his hair as a gust of desert wind catches an errant lock, pushing it into his eyes... as the cab drives away, Kid looks up at his newly-adopted home.]
(* Waaaaay back in Breakout Kings of the Ring #2... but who could forget that? The last time we were here, Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris used most of the dishes for skeet shooting. On the roof. In broad daylight.)
Phantasm: From this day forth, I dub thee 'New Antarctica'.
[Kid Phantasm smiles at his own words. He digs through his pockets, eventually producing a small keyring with two keys on it. After a bit of fumbling, he gets the front door open and heads inside. Jump-cut; the bottom of the screen reads 'Five minutes later...' Kid Phantasm comes back out, holding a hand-painted sign made out of a piece of plywood. He holds up a hammer and deftly nails the plywood to the mansion's beautifully-painted door, irrevocably destroying its finish.]
Phantasm: That'll do... 'till I get something nicer made, I guess.
[Kid steps back a bit, looking up at his house.]
Phantasm: Yep. Already feels a little more like home.
[As Kid Phantasm heads back through the door, we can read the sign... it reads 'NEW ANTARCTICA, NEVADA - PANTHEON WEST COAST HEADQUARTERS' in large but shaky block lettering.]
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the foyer of the large but sparse house. Kid Phantasm stands in the foyer of the large home, looking at the walls... he gazes up the staircase as if expecting to see someone there. He looks down at the hardwood floor for a second, then stomps his feet a few times... we see him cock his head downward, as if listening for echoes.]
Phantasm: I don't think I ever looked in this place's basement... that's going on the list, for sure.
[Phantasm digs in his back pocket, producing a small dime-store wire-bound notepad. He flips the cover open as he pulls a golf pencil out of his computer case's side pocket. We watch as he scrawls a few notes down... a list begins to form. The list begins with three items... 'COMPUTER', 'DOOR PLACARD' and 'BASEMENT'. Kid shoves the pencil and notepad into the pocket of his pants, hanging his computer's case on the front door's knob by its leather strap. We follow Kid Phantasm through the foyer past a hall closet and into a large living-room area. Kid looks up, noticing the room's high ceiling and wide-open floorplan.]
Phantasm: Obviously, this is the War Room. I'm not sure where I can get a gigantic round table with a holographic display in the middle of it, but even if I gotta build that shit it's going on the list.
[Notepad and pencil come back out in a flash... a second later, the fourth item on Phantasm's to-do list becomes 'CONFERENCE TABLE'. He shoves pencil and notepad into pocket abruptly as he notices the angles of the couches in the room... his hands come up as if they were surveyor's tools and he was measuring something. Cut to Kid dragging a large sofa towards the wall, then back towards the middle of the open room, then back to the wall. Cut to Kid picking up a recliner, shambling it across the room and almost tripping on an old Persian rug. Cut to Kid removing an oil painting from an otherwise empty wall... he looks at the painting, shrugs, and re-hangs it. Cut to Kid walking away from the painting, then stopping mid-stride and returning to it. We watch as he removes the painting (of what appears to be a bowl of yellowed fruit) from the wall, putting his right fist through its canvas. He re-hangs it once more.]
Phantasm: Yeah. She'll like that.
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the second floor's stairwell. We see Kid Phantasm come up the stairs, walking casually down the long hallway and then looking into the master bedroom. Noting that it is already furnished with a gigantic plush bed, he nods to himself... as he looks into the master bathroom, though, he shakes his head and makes a few clicking sounds.]
Phantasm: I guess they didn't include a shower for two 'cause the bed's so damn big.
[With a shrug, the Kid pops the notepad and pencil back out, adding a fifth item to his list... 'SHOWER YOU CAN FUCK IN'. He pops the pad and pencil back into his pocket as he heads down the hallway, checking in the spare bedrooms. The first room he looks in appears to be furnished with a large wall-mounted flatscreen television, a chest of drawers, a nighttable and a king-sized bed. Kid smiles and moves onto the next room, this one across the hall. The next spare room is unfurnished, save for a queen bed without any sheets on it. Kid goes for his notepad, then shrugs and heads off down the hallway. He peeks into another spare room, expecting to find it similarly empty... but this time, he finds a bed with sheets on it. An occupied bed with sheets on it.]
Phantasm: Wayne?
[Who else would be sleeping in Kid's house? Of course. It's Wayne Newton, Kid Phantasm's wacky (and rather famous) nextdoor neighbor.]
Phantasm: Hey, Wayne?
Newton: ...wh- Oh, hey! ...Kid, right? Wayne Newton. Hi.
Phantasm: Yeah, man. I know who you are... but why are you here? Don't you live next door? You gotta have at least as many bedrooms in your place-
Newton: ...ah, yeah... kids came into town, and they brought their kids, and-
Phantasm: Oh. Gotcha, man. I'll leave you be, then... thanks for keeping an eye on the place for me. ...Oh, hey, you wouldn't happen to know a place 'round here where a guy could get his hands on a giant conference table with a holographic display built into the center, would you? Or maybe a walk-in shower with multiple nozzles?
Newton: Come to think of it, I do. Man, you shoulda been here last month... couple blocks over, Penn and Teller had their yard sale. Next time you come over I'll show you some of the shit I got off of 'em. Pretty sure my grandkids are still playing with one of those 'saw a lady in half' boxes.
[Kid seems surprised at Wayne Newton's response, but a smile creeps across his face rather quickly.]
Phantasm: Wow- well, that'll work out great, then. Sleep tight, man... don't let me bother you none.
[As Kid Phantasm turns down the hall, Wayne Newton's voice stops him.]
Newton: Oh, hey- where's your lady-friend? Nightmare, was it? Last time she was here with you she'd mentioned how much she liked my garden, so I had some work done on the backyard.
Phantasm: ....really? Fuckin' a, man. Thanks a lot, Wayne... you're a good neighbor.
[Phantasm is once again stopped by the voice of Wayne Newton.]
Newton: I, uh, left the bill for the workers on the fridge... I covered it for ya, but I figured I'd leave a note so you didn't forget to pay me back. Just bein' neighborly.
[As Wayne Newton lays his famous head back down, Kid nods and closes the door. He chuckles a bit to himself, pulling the notepad and pencil from his pocket. The list grows to seven items as Kid adds 'PAY WAYNE NEWTON' and 'CHANGE LOCKS'.]
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the beautiful garden that Kid's backyard has been transformed into! Brightly colored flowers of all shapes and sizes surround a rock garden (Zen? Everything zen) which sits beside a grotto-style outdoor pool, complete with a faux rock-wall waterfall. Kid Phantasm looks at the garden and pool in awe, producing pad and pencil without looking. He finally glances down, crossing 'CHANGE LOCKS' off of his list and circling 'PAY WAYNE NEWTON' two or three times. Through the open patio door, there is a knock- Kid's serenity is destroyed by the echoes of his home's incredibly loud doorbell (which probably didn't do much for the sleeping Mister-Vegas-Himself upstairs. Before putting his list away, Kid makes a new seventh entry to replace 'CHANGE LOCKS': 'FIX DOORBELL WITH HAMMER'. We follow Kid through his newly-arranged living room and into the foyer; he shoves the pad and pencil into his pocket, carefully opening the door so as not to slam the 'sleeping' Iceberg-Six against it. The sun comes through the open doorframe, revealing a large UPS truck at the street and a portly, hairy white guy in a brown-on-brown uniform on the stoop. The UPS guy's clueless expression seems painted there, even as he speaks.]
Driver: You Cameron Bankston?
Phantasm: Only when I can't help it.
[The UPS guy pushes an electronic clipboard into Kid Phantasm's hands as he turns toward his truck. Kid begins 'signing documents' with a stylus, looking up to see the UPS guy wheeling in a handtruck strapped down with large beige cardboard boxes, most covered in warning labels.]
Driver: Big order, huh...
Phantasm: Hopefully it's big enough. I'm guessing that one's the display?
[Kid looks to the loading bay on the back of the truck, which is laden with boxes... we can only assume he's talking about the largest of these boxes (as it is exceptionally large).]
Driver: Yep. That'd be what the label reads, anyhow- don't worry, I take 'Handle With Care' seriously. It's my job 'n all, ya know?
[As the UPS guy begins unloading the boxes into the foyer, Kid Phantasm looks to him inquisitively.]
Phantasm: ...hey, if you could... would you mind helping me get all this down to the basement?
Driver: ...I got a schedule to keep, man... I would, but-
Phantasm: ...got an ounce of 'Blue Mindfuck', if you smoke-
Driver: Nah, they drug test us, man.
Phantasm: ...shit, that sucks. You wouldn't by any chance want to meet Wayne Newton, would you?
Driver: ...really? Wayne Newton? Dude-
Phantasm: 'Cause if you're down to help me haul this to the basement, I'm pretty sure I can make that happen.
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty basement. Kid Phantasm, the UPS guy and Wayne Newton(!) sit on boxes in the mostly-empty basement... somehow, the room seems crowded with cardboard. The three men sip from coffee mugs and rest their muscles after hauling about a quarter-ton of electronics down a flight of stairs as slowly and carefully as possible (at the behest of Kid P, of course). The silence becomes thick and heavy, then disappears suddenly (as it is destroyed by the penetrating voice of Mr. Wayne Newton).]
Newton: So you want an autograph or something, man? I got head shots next door. If you want to, we can pop over for a minute- you might even get to meet my grandkids.
Driver: ...yeah, sure. Alright.
[The Kid laughs.]
Phantasm: Thought you had a schedule, man.
[Finally, the UPS guy's clueless expression changes... to one of unmasked excitement.]
Driver: Fuck 'em! This is Wayne Newton, man!
Newton: See ya 'round, Kid- don't have too much fun down here, alright?
[As he heads up the basement stairs, Wayne Newton winks at Kid Phantasm, shooting him dead with a finger-gun. Kid laughs at his wacky-but-famous neighbor's timeless lameness. Kid sighs, standing up... he heads over to a large plastic trash receptacle, dragging it towards the largest pile of boxes.]
Phantasm: Guess it's time to get started on my list... and first thing's first.
[Kid pops an old pocket knife out and begins slicing through packing tape, awkwardly dumping seemingly endless piles of styrofoam 'peanuts' into the trashbarrel. Kid picks up a few errant 'peanuts', then notices an old work-table pushed up against a wall. As carefully as he can (so as not to damage any of his recently delivered 'packages'), Kid drags the work-table over into the light... he begins unpacking the boxes' contents onto the worktable. A few blade servers join a mound of cables atop the workbench, making it quite clear that when Kid's list said 'COMPUTER' on it, it wasn't even kind-of joking. Kid looks up at the largest thing in the room; you guessed it. It's the gigantic box from the back of the UPS truck.]
Phantasm: I guess I should check you out first, you huge expensive bastard...
[Kid takes his knife to the box, cutting around the front, then slicing it into sections and removing as much of it as he can. Inside the massive box, which is covered in warning labels reading 'FRAGILE' and 'THIS SIDE UP' amongst other things, is a six-foot tall free-standing computer monitor. The Kid looks at the massive display approvingly, then suddenly dashes up the stairs excitably... returning moments later with his computer case. A cord from the back of the monitor soon becomes plugged into Kid Phantasm's trusty electronic sidekick... and for the first time in a day, Iceberg-Six 'lives'.]
Iceberg-Six: Welcome back, user 'Kid Phantasm'. ...New hardware detected. Downloading drivers...
Phantasm: You go 'head on with that, Eye-Six. While you get your installation on, I'm gonna call some backup...
[Kid looks around at the mess he's made, noticing how far he is from competing his 'Project Seven'.]
Phantasm: ...as the man once said, 'We're gonna need a bigger boat.'
Iceberg-Six: Please clarify: are we presently at sea? GPS data indicates that we are 26.2 miles from the nearest body of water.
[Kid chuckles as he touches the gigantic monitor's screen.]
Phantasm: ...I missed your ass, buddy. No, Eye-Six... we're home. It's been a while, but... we're finally home.
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty basement. It's about five hours later, and Kid Phantasm has begun to 'install' all of the various components of what we can only assume is 'Project Seven' (the item on Kid's to-do list that reads 'COMPUTER'). Kid stares angrily at his large beautiful display, as it gives a lengthy list of error messages that don't quite add up.]
Phantasm: Eye-Six, give me a quick power diagnostic... what's on and what's off, and why?
Iceberg-Six: Voltage appears to be 75% of required capacity for system's power needs - hard-drive failures appear to be caused by alternating power shortages.
Phantasm: Fuckin' brown-outs? Great. Yeah, Eye-Six... they just don't make 'em like they used to. They broke the mold when they made you, buddy.
Iceberg-Six: Theory would state that a gas-powered generator could off-set electrical shortages easily. Searching for big-box hardware stores... there is a 'Home Depot' 6.4 miles away from you. Would you like directions?
[As Kid Phantasm attempts a response, he is deafened by his doorbell's ring. He covers his ears quickly, but not quickly enough.]
Phantasm: Ah, just in time - if I've gotta get a damn generator, at least my ride's here!
[The Kid searches briefly for (then grabs) a nearby claw hammer, dashing up the stairs. He throws open the front door, revealing a confused-looking Johnny Reb. Reb's confusion doesn't clear up any as he watches the Kid swing the hammer he's holding, smashing his doorbell.]
Reb: You never told me you had a house in 'Vegas, Kid.... damn. Quite a spread you got goin'.
Phantasm: Never had a reason to come out here before. Now, though... it just seems right. When she comes back, I want her to come back to a proper home, you know?
[Reb smiles instead of giving a response, correctly assuming that in the Kid's mind Nightmare could return at any minute. Kid gestures to Reb with his non-hammer-wielding hand, inviting the Inveterate One inside.]
Reb: So you're havin' computer troubles, huh? You uh, you try turning it on and off?
[The Kid rolls his eyes hard enough to hurt his head.]
Phantasm: Oh, ha-ha. If I'd needed tech support, I'd have called India. I either need a doctor or a wizard, and I'm not sure which, so-
Reb: That explains it, then. I guess show me the patient- reckon we'll get it sorted out somehow.
[They head down the basement stairs, Kid tossing the hammer onto the workbench as he heads towards Iceberg-Six. As Johnny Reb takes in the scene, he glances about and whistles through his teeth.]
Reb: Yeah, I bet you coulda used a spare pair o' hands, at least for movin' this haul-
Phantasm: Oh, I got a little help... the UPS guy and Wayne Newton helped me get it down here, but they split.
Reb: Wait... Wayne Newton? He's still alive? Hell, he's older'n dirt! Maybe even older than that. Then again, I guess Vegas is where old famous people go to wait out the clock... the ones that ain't in Branson, anyhow.
Phantasm: I would totally trade you two Wayne Newtons for one Yakov Smirnoff.
[Reb laughs, then does a remarkably good Smirnoff impression...]
Reb: 'In Soviet Russia, computer fixes you!'
[...surprising the hell out of Kid Phantasm. The Kid responds with an exuberant high-five.]
Phantasm: Fuck yes. That's what I'm talkin' about. Reb with the punchline!
[Reb smiles as he looks questioningly at the rigged-together servers.]
Reb: So what're you needin' my help with, exactly?
Phantasm: I... just kinda figured you'd fix it. You know, just hit it with your, uh... magic wrench-thing. Or whatever.
[Reb's questioning look turns full-bore on Kid Phantasm.]
Reb: My what?
Phantasm: Your... sonic impact wrench. Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket.
[Reb pulls a metallic device out of his pocket, palming it as he gestures towards Kid P]
Reb: ...do you even know how this thing works?
Phantasm: Uh... not really. Isn't it magic, kinda?
[Reb laughs slightly, trying not to hurt Kid's feelings.]
Reb: No, man... it's science.
Phantasm: So explain it to me, then.
Reb: Wait, what now? When, now?
Phantasm: Sure!
Reb: ...while you're sober?
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[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty (and now quite smoky) basement. Kid Phantasm and Johnny Reb sit on the floor, passing an old brass pipe back and forth while blowing clouds of smoke around the room. It's hard to tell how much time has passed or how much they've smoked... that is, until Kid Phantasm suddenly busts out in fits of hysterical laughter.]
Reb: Wha?
[Kid attempts to straighten his face for a response, but can't seem to pull it off.]
Phantasm: In Soviet- heh- Russia, heh heh computer fixes you.
[Phantasm laughs and laughs, his laughter becoming infectious... Reb catches a bad case of it, revealing that these two are (much like a Jon LeJoie song) 'high as fuck'. Reb finally catches his breath and asks a telltale question.]
Reb: What were we doing?
Phantasm: You were gonna explain to me how your sonic impact wrench works.
Reb: ...I was?
Phantasm: Yeah... unless you already did and I forgot.
Reb: Hell, that'll take forever. It's complicated shit, man- and why in the world would I go and do that? So you can steal it from me?
[Reb looks suspiciously at Kid Phantasm, as if expecting him to grow horns.]
Phantasm: Dude... you're totally bein' paranoid. It's cool, man- it's cool. It's just me. Just good ol' Kid P... what would I use the thing for, anyway? Magic up a time machine or something?
[Reb's suspicious look takes a turn toward 'concerned', which causes both of them to break out in a full-on relapse of laughter. Kid ends up stretching out on the dirty concrete floor, clutching his sides.]
Reb: Shit, Kid - ain't we s'posed to be in Denmark? If I know Corey Black, he's waitin' on us... probly Purse and Fly, too, by now.
Phantasm: Fuck- what day is this? ...shit, how is it Monday already?
Reb: Yesterday was Slam. You were on it. Remember?
Phantasm: ...oh yeah. Yeah, they're probably expecting us at Corey's castle... uh, hey, how were you getting there?
[Reb looks at the Kid, head half-cocked to one side, face bent into a sly smile.]
Reb: Guess I could get us to the airport... make some room in the car right quicklike, no big deal... you got anymore of that blue stuff?
Phantasm: What, the 'Blue Mindfuck'? Yeah, oh yeah - trust me, we got plenty. We got enough to last us till at least Denmark. Maybe even some for Norway, depending on how much Purse blows with us. He's a little weird about smoking during training, but... gotta take a break sometime, right?
Reb: I lent out my Ranchero for the week, so we're gonna have to move- time ain't necessarily on our side, so to speak. I don't know how y'all handle it...
Phantasm: What?
Reb: Working against time.
Phantasm: That's all life is, when you think about it... you fight time, then you inevitably lose. Having fun along the way helps, but it doesn't change the ending much.
[Reb slowly nods.]
Reb: That's deep, Kid.
Phantasm: -oh, shit, we were gonna go, right? Eye-Six!
Iceberg-Six: Iceberg-Six online, awaiting instructions. Current status of 'Project Seven' is incomplete, unable to project a completion time due to myriad of circumstances. I apologize for the inconvinience. Shall I save all relevant data to project file 'Seven' and begin a new program?
Phantasm: Do what you feel, Eye-Six, but after you take care of this- I need two plane tickets to Copenhagen. Don't care which airline, but we've gotta get there fast.
Iceberg-Six: Certainly.
Phantasm: You're staying here, Eye-Six... if any of these components fail or the house's alarm goes off, I'm gonna want a report on it sent to my cell.
Iceberg-Six: Acknowledged. Safe travels, user 'Kid Phantasm'.
[Reb tamps, then empties, the old brass pipe. He takes a small blue-green bud from the Kid's workbench and loads it into the bowl.]
Reb: So lemme ask you, then- if you already got a little computer that talks to you, what you need this big ol' thing for?
Phantasm: Oh, it's not for me... it's for us.
[Reb looks to Kid Phantasm, noticing his sly smile... he quickly deduces what the Kid's aiming at.]
Reb: That'd explain the amount of server space y'got there... shoot, you got enough electronic brainpower in that thing to service a couple of Pantheons.
Phantasm: Yeah, it's probably overkill... but you know me, Reb. Once I get started on something, I always end up going bigger than I expected to.
[Kid shrugs at Reb, who hands him the brass piece; Kid nods in thanks, taking Reb's lighter and blasting the beautiful blue-green plant matter inside it with a shower of burning butane.]
Iceberg-Six: Seats reserved on Continental Airlines Flight 496, leaving McCarran International Airport Las Vegas for Kastrup Airport Copenhagen in two hours twelve minutes. Non-stop flight. First class, seats 3A and 3B. Are these arrangements suitable?
[Phantasm nods as he holds in a cloud of smoke.]
Reb: I love this damn computer, Kid. This thing is downright handy.
[The Kid coughs up a cloud, then catches his breath as he nods vigorously at Johnny Reb.]
Phantasm: Yeah, Eye-Six - that'll do. That'll do nicely.
[Reb looks over at the workbench.]
Reb: So how you gonna get that sack through customs, anyhow?
Phantasm: ....damnit, I knew I was forgetting something...
Reb: Could do like they do at the Border... you know, just cornhole it, or tape it 'twixt your scrotum and your cornhole. Wouldn't be too bad if we split it up, each took half- chances of us gettin' strip-searched are slim, and even lower they'd dig around in your high-knee.
Phantasm: Something tells me you've done this before, Reb.
Reb: ...what, fly to Denmark with half an ounce of hydroponic herb taped to m'taint? Not particularly, but... first time for everything, I reckon...
[Kid Phantasm sighs in agreement.]
Phantasm: I'll get the tape.
[As the Kid climbs the stairs, Johnny Reb looks thoughtful for a second- suddenly, he shouts up the stairs.]
Reb: Hate to ask ya, Kid, but you ain't got a razor handy, would ya? I hadn't really trimmed the lawn lately, so to speak, and-
[Kid P interrupts the Inveterate Confederate, trying not to laugh.]
Phantasm: I'll look around, but before you ask- I'm not going anywhere near your 'lawn'. A man's 'yardwork' is his own business.
[As the door closes, Reb lights the bowl of his old brass pipe. As he inhales, he looks thoughtfully at the spotty-powered mainframe... with a quick flip of the wrist, he pulls a metallic device from his pocket, popping the mainframe's power supply open dangerously. With the back of the device, Reb taps a few spots on the circuit board lightly.]
Reb: Don't take much... but I bet that does 'er.
[Grabbing the bag from the workbench, Reb heads up the stairs after Kid Phantasm. Moments after the door closes, Iceberg-Six pops up a large yellow message box onto the six-foot tall monitor plugged into its VGA connector. Though no one is in the room to see its message... but for us, I guess... it offers it up plain as day. The box reads three sentences in 20-plus point font: "ACCESSING HARDWARE COMPONENTS", "NEW HARDWARE FOUND", and "UPLOADING DATA....0%".]
[(c) Wrestling Championship Federation 2012. The views of Kid Phantasm and Johnny Reb are not necessarily those of WCF or any of its sponsors or affiliates. Wayne Newton appears courtesy of the City of Las Vegas. All rights reserved.]
.... System Time: Mon Jul 09 2012 07:54:14
.... System Countdown: Less than 40 cycles until timed event.
.... Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'.
.... Opening project file 'Seven'...
.... Iceberg-Six idle.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Come on baby now throw me a right to the chin
Don't just stare like you never cared
I know you did
But you just smile like a bank teller
blankly telling me
have a nice life..." -Ben Folds Five, "Selfless, Cold And Composed"
"When you come back you will not be you. And I may not be I.” - E.M. Forster, The Life to Come and Other Stories
"...sometimes you warm my heart, baby." -Kid Phantasm
"Come on, let's go. You know no matter what happens I'll be there for you until the end..." -Nightmare
"I know, baby. I'd be lost without you." -Kid Phantasm (Unstable Elements #9)
[Some days you can't win for losing. Our hero, Kid Phantasm, for instance... well, he seems to have been having one of those months, actually. The Kid's successes have almost all seemed to come with some degree of tragedy surrounding them, haven't they? He won his first ever title, Global Extreme Wrestling's Deathmatch Title, in his first meeting with Nightmare... their subsequent flight with the title to Reading caused Kid Phantasm no end of trouble with his former employer, Ricky Richards (now 'business partner' of his current employer, Seth Lerch). When Kid Phantasm won the WCF People's Title, his victory came at the cost of the very life of his friend Switches the Clown (whose ghost is thought by Kid - and a few notable others - to haunt the belt to this very day). The formation of Pantheon should have been a crowning moment in the young career of our boy Kid P, but instead it caused Monsters Inc. to form almost immediately afterwards (and seemingly over the kidnapping of Nightmare). Kid's good friend and tag team partner Jeff Purse 'won' Nightmare back at WCF's Blast, but in the Kid's efforts to retrieve her he was knocked out by Nathan von Liebert, having the People's Title stolen just as he got back his other half...]
[...perhaps the cruelest twist of fate, then, would be getting Nightmare back just to lose her again... unfortunately for Kid Phantasm, this is not theoretical. Each morning since that one particular morning, earlier this week, he has awoken hoping above all else that she'd be there next to him... and each morning, no matter how hard he wishes, he wakes up alone. You could say he's lonely, or depressed... but neither would be particularly true. No, that's not what's up with the Kid... but make no mistake about it. Something is up with the Kid. His woman's fallen into the abyss and he's started feeling like a 'downer' around his friends... in other words, there's a great big hole in Kid Phantasm's life, and something's gonna fill it. Will it be a victory in the Monarch Of The Mat tournament? Only time will tell... but for now, at least, if the Kid can't have his Nightmare he appears to be making due with his daydreams. Is one of the other seven competitors in XIII's tournament the Kid's greatest foe, or is it his own wandering mind?]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KID PHANTASM #20: "Selfless, Cold, And Composed"
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[Scene: Pantheon East Coast Headquarters (Fly Manor, New York City)... more specifically, the bedroom of the Unstable Elements. Kid Phantasm wakes up in the beautifully-painted room on a big soft bed... alone. He rolls over, noticing the complete lack of resistance to his motion, which confirms in his mind that he isn't hallucinating... Nightmare has left him. Kid Phantasm sighs.]
Phantasm: Fuck this.
[Kid Phantasm rolls out of the bed, quickly heading towards a desk at the foot of his bed... as he sits in the desk's rolling high-backed office chair, he presses a small oval button on a familiar netbook computer. About one and one-half seconds later, a simple blue background pops up, and a familiar (albeit electronic) voice greets him.]
Iceberg-Six: Welcome, user 'Kid Phantasm'... what would you like to-
Phantasm: We're going to work, Eye-Six.
Iceberg-Six: Certainly. Would you like me to prepare files on your opponents for event 'XIII'?
Phantasm: Later, Eye-Six. First thing I need you to do is open up all files labeled 'Project Seven'. Second thing I need you to do is find that shopping list at the bottom of it and get everything you see listed there overnighted.
Iceberg-Six: Opening file 'Project Seven'... accessing list. List located. Shall I have it sent to our current address?"
Phantasm: No, Eye-Six... have it sent to the other one. The one in Nevada. And let me know when you're finished all of that, 'cause the next things we're overnighting to Nevada are us.
Iceberg-Six: Error: it is against United States federal regulations to ship humans as cargo.
[The Kid laughs.]
Phantasm: I love it when you do that, Eye-Six.
Iceberg-Six: Thank you, user 'Kid Phantasm'. You programmed me to correct any visible mistakes.
Phantasm: No, I meant make me laugh. I didn't even have to program you with a sense of humor... you just kinda grew one.
Iceberg-Six: Error-
Phantasm: Alright, alright, I get it. I was kidding, Eye-Six. Book me on the first flight to McCarran International Airport, Las Vegas... if I'm gonna wake up every morning in a big empty house, I'm doing it in my own damn house. At the very least we're gonna get to work turning that big empty house into a home. Starting with Project Seven.
Iceberg-Six: Acknowledged.
[The Kid looks out the window at the city below.]
Phantasm: It's a new day, Eye-Six... a good day to build something.
-----------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: an opulent residential street in Las Vegas, Nevada. A yellow taxicab pulls up in front of a house we've seen before, though not in a while*. Once upon a time, Jonny Fly purchased this house from its previous owner mere days before the last XIII event in April of this year... purchased it, in fact, as a gift for his newfound friends the Unstable Elements (and also to show up a house full of hoity-toity Vegas celebrities). Here we are three months later... Kid Phantasm has finally come to claim his property, co-incidentally mere days before another XIII. The door of the taxicab swings open... we see Kid Phantasm pass a few bills to the driver of the vehicle as he climbs out, dragging a rolling suitcase. A computer case is slung over one shoulder. Kid Phantasm brushes his hair as a gust of desert wind catches an errant lock, pushing it into his eyes... as the cab drives away, Kid looks up at his newly-adopted home.]
(* Waaaaay back in Breakout Kings of the Ring #2... but who could forget that? The last time we were here, Odin Balfore and Zombie McMorris used most of the dishes for skeet shooting. On the roof. In broad daylight.)
Phantasm: From this day forth, I dub thee 'New Antarctica'.
[Kid Phantasm smiles at his own words. He digs through his pockets, eventually producing a small keyring with two keys on it. After a bit of fumbling, he gets the front door open and heads inside. Jump-cut; the bottom of the screen reads 'Five minutes later...' Kid Phantasm comes back out, holding a hand-painted sign made out of a piece of plywood. He holds up a hammer and deftly nails the plywood to the mansion's beautifully-painted door, irrevocably destroying its finish.]
Phantasm: That'll do... 'till I get something nicer made, I guess.
[Kid steps back a bit, looking up at his house.]
Phantasm: Yep. Already feels a little more like home.
[As Kid Phantasm heads back through the door, we can read the sign... it reads 'NEW ANTARCTICA, NEVADA - PANTHEON WEST COAST HEADQUARTERS' in large but shaky block lettering.]
-----------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the foyer of the large but sparse house. Kid Phantasm stands in the foyer of the large home, looking at the walls... he gazes up the staircase as if expecting to see someone there. He looks down at the hardwood floor for a second, then stomps his feet a few times... we see him cock his head downward, as if listening for echoes.]
Phantasm: I don't think I ever looked in this place's basement... that's going on the list, for sure.
[Phantasm digs in his back pocket, producing a small dime-store wire-bound notepad. He flips the cover open as he pulls a golf pencil out of his computer case's side pocket. We watch as he scrawls a few notes down... a list begins to form. The list begins with three items... 'COMPUTER', 'DOOR PLACARD' and 'BASEMENT'. Kid shoves the pencil and notepad into the pocket of his pants, hanging his computer's case on the front door's knob by its leather strap. We follow Kid Phantasm through the foyer past a hall closet and into a large living-room area. Kid looks up, noticing the room's high ceiling and wide-open floorplan.]
Phantasm: Obviously, this is the War Room. I'm not sure where I can get a gigantic round table with a holographic display in the middle of it, but even if I gotta build that shit it's going on the list.
[Notepad and pencil come back out in a flash... a second later, the fourth item on Phantasm's to-do list becomes 'CONFERENCE TABLE'. He shoves pencil and notepad into pocket abruptly as he notices the angles of the couches in the room... his hands come up as if they were surveyor's tools and he was measuring something. Cut to Kid dragging a large sofa towards the wall, then back towards the middle of the open room, then back to the wall. Cut to Kid picking up a recliner, shambling it across the room and almost tripping on an old Persian rug. Cut to Kid removing an oil painting from an otherwise empty wall... he looks at the painting, shrugs, and re-hangs it. Cut to Kid walking away from the painting, then stopping mid-stride and returning to it. We watch as he removes the painting (of what appears to be a bowl of yellowed fruit) from the wall, putting his right fist through its canvas. He re-hangs it once more.]
Phantasm: Yeah. She'll like that.
-----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the second floor's stairwell. We see Kid Phantasm come up the stairs, walking casually down the long hallway and then looking into the master bedroom. Noting that it is already furnished with a gigantic plush bed, he nods to himself... as he looks into the master bathroom, though, he shakes his head and makes a few clicking sounds.]
Phantasm: I guess they didn't include a shower for two 'cause the bed's so damn big.
[With a shrug, the Kid pops the notepad and pencil back out, adding a fifth item to his list... 'SHOWER YOU CAN FUCK IN'. He pops the pad and pencil back into his pocket as he heads down the hallway, checking in the spare bedrooms. The first room he looks in appears to be furnished with a large wall-mounted flatscreen television, a chest of drawers, a nighttable and a king-sized bed. Kid smiles and moves onto the next room, this one across the hall. The next spare room is unfurnished, save for a queen bed without any sheets on it. Kid goes for his notepad, then shrugs and heads off down the hallway. He peeks into another spare room, expecting to find it similarly empty... but this time, he finds a bed with sheets on it. An occupied bed with sheets on it.]
Phantasm: Wayne?
[Who else would be sleeping in Kid's house? Of course. It's Wayne Newton, Kid Phantasm's wacky (and rather famous) nextdoor neighbor.]
Phantasm: Hey, Wayne?
Newton: ...wh- Oh, hey! ...Kid, right? Wayne Newton. Hi.
Phantasm: Yeah, man. I know who you are... but why are you here? Don't you live next door? You gotta have at least as many bedrooms in your place-
Newton: ...ah, yeah... kids came into town, and they brought their kids, and-
Phantasm: Oh. Gotcha, man. I'll leave you be, then... thanks for keeping an eye on the place for me. ...Oh, hey, you wouldn't happen to know a place 'round here where a guy could get his hands on a giant conference table with a holographic display built into the center, would you? Or maybe a walk-in shower with multiple nozzles?
Newton: Come to think of it, I do. Man, you shoulda been here last month... couple blocks over, Penn and Teller had their yard sale. Next time you come over I'll show you some of the shit I got off of 'em. Pretty sure my grandkids are still playing with one of those 'saw a lady in half' boxes.
[Kid seems surprised at Wayne Newton's response, but a smile creeps across his face rather quickly.]
Phantasm: Wow- well, that'll work out great, then. Sleep tight, man... don't let me bother you none.
[As Kid Phantasm turns down the hall, Wayne Newton's voice stops him.]
Newton: Oh, hey- where's your lady-friend? Nightmare, was it? Last time she was here with you she'd mentioned how much she liked my garden, so I had some work done on the backyard.
Phantasm: ....really? Fuckin' a, man. Thanks a lot, Wayne... you're a good neighbor.
[Phantasm is once again stopped by the voice of Wayne Newton.]
Newton: I, uh, left the bill for the workers on the fridge... I covered it for ya, but I figured I'd leave a note so you didn't forget to pay me back. Just bein' neighborly.
[As Wayne Newton lays his famous head back down, Kid nods and closes the door. He chuckles a bit to himself, pulling the notepad and pencil from his pocket. The list grows to seven items as Kid adds 'PAY WAYNE NEWTON' and 'CHANGE LOCKS'.]
----------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the beautiful garden that Kid's backyard has been transformed into! Brightly colored flowers of all shapes and sizes surround a rock garden (Zen? Everything zen) which sits beside a grotto-style outdoor pool, complete with a faux rock-wall waterfall. Kid Phantasm looks at the garden and pool in awe, producing pad and pencil without looking. He finally glances down, crossing 'CHANGE LOCKS' off of his list and circling 'PAY WAYNE NEWTON' two or three times. Through the open patio door, there is a knock- Kid's serenity is destroyed by the echoes of his home's incredibly loud doorbell (which probably didn't do much for the sleeping Mister-Vegas-Himself upstairs. Before putting his list away, Kid makes a new seventh entry to replace 'CHANGE LOCKS': 'FIX DOORBELL WITH HAMMER'. We follow Kid through his newly-arranged living room and into the foyer; he shoves the pad and pencil into his pocket, carefully opening the door so as not to slam the 'sleeping' Iceberg-Six against it. The sun comes through the open doorframe, revealing a large UPS truck at the street and a portly, hairy white guy in a brown-on-brown uniform on the stoop. The UPS guy's clueless expression seems painted there, even as he speaks.]
Driver: You Cameron Bankston?
Phantasm: Only when I can't help it.
[The UPS guy pushes an electronic clipboard into Kid Phantasm's hands as he turns toward his truck. Kid begins 'signing documents' with a stylus, looking up to see the UPS guy wheeling in a handtruck strapped down with large beige cardboard boxes, most covered in warning labels.]
Driver: Big order, huh...
Phantasm: Hopefully it's big enough. I'm guessing that one's the display?
[Kid looks to the loading bay on the back of the truck, which is laden with boxes... we can only assume he's talking about the largest of these boxes (as it is exceptionally large).]
Driver: Yep. That'd be what the label reads, anyhow- don't worry, I take 'Handle With Care' seriously. It's my job 'n all, ya know?
[As the UPS guy begins unloading the boxes into the foyer, Kid Phantasm looks to him inquisitively.]
Phantasm: ...hey, if you could... would you mind helping me get all this down to the basement?
Driver: ...I got a schedule to keep, man... I would, but-
Phantasm: ...got an ounce of 'Blue Mindfuck', if you smoke-
Driver: Nah, they drug test us, man.
Phantasm: ...shit, that sucks. You wouldn't by any chance want to meet Wayne Newton, would you?
Driver: ...really? Wayne Newton? Dude-
Phantasm: 'Cause if you're down to help me haul this to the basement, I'm pretty sure I can make that happen.
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty basement. Kid Phantasm, the UPS guy and Wayne Newton(!) sit on boxes in the mostly-empty basement... somehow, the room seems crowded with cardboard. The three men sip from coffee mugs and rest their muscles after hauling about a quarter-ton of electronics down a flight of stairs as slowly and carefully as possible (at the behest of Kid P, of course). The silence becomes thick and heavy, then disappears suddenly (as it is destroyed by the penetrating voice of Mr. Wayne Newton).]
Newton: So you want an autograph or something, man? I got head shots next door. If you want to, we can pop over for a minute- you might even get to meet my grandkids.
Driver: ...yeah, sure. Alright.
[The Kid laughs.]
Phantasm: Thought you had a schedule, man.
[Finally, the UPS guy's clueless expression changes... to one of unmasked excitement.]
Driver: Fuck 'em! This is Wayne Newton, man!
Newton: See ya 'round, Kid- don't have too much fun down here, alright?
[As he heads up the basement stairs, Wayne Newton winks at Kid Phantasm, shooting him dead with a finger-gun. Kid laughs at his wacky-but-famous neighbor's timeless lameness. Kid sighs, standing up... he heads over to a large plastic trash receptacle, dragging it towards the largest pile of boxes.]
Phantasm: Guess it's time to get started on my list... and first thing's first.
[Kid pops an old pocket knife out and begins slicing through packing tape, awkwardly dumping seemingly endless piles of styrofoam 'peanuts' into the trashbarrel. Kid picks up a few errant 'peanuts', then notices an old work-table pushed up against a wall. As carefully as he can (so as not to damage any of his recently delivered 'packages'), Kid drags the work-table over into the light... he begins unpacking the boxes' contents onto the worktable. A few blade servers join a mound of cables atop the workbench, making it quite clear that when Kid's list said 'COMPUTER' on it, it wasn't even kind-of joking. Kid looks up at the largest thing in the room; you guessed it. It's the gigantic box from the back of the UPS truck.]
Phantasm: I guess I should check you out first, you huge expensive bastard...
[Kid takes his knife to the box, cutting around the front, then slicing it into sections and removing as much of it as he can. Inside the massive box, which is covered in warning labels reading 'FRAGILE' and 'THIS SIDE UP' amongst other things, is a six-foot tall free-standing computer monitor. The Kid looks at the massive display approvingly, then suddenly dashes up the stairs excitably... returning moments later with his computer case. A cord from the back of the monitor soon becomes plugged into Kid Phantasm's trusty electronic sidekick... and for the first time in a day, Iceberg-Six 'lives'.]
Iceberg-Six: Welcome back, user 'Kid Phantasm'. ...New hardware detected. Downloading drivers...
Phantasm: You go 'head on with that, Eye-Six. While you get your installation on, I'm gonna call some backup...
[Kid looks around at the mess he's made, noticing how far he is from competing his 'Project Seven'.]
Phantasm: ...as the man once said, 'We're gonna need a bigger boat.'
Iceberg-Six: Please clarify: are we presently at sea? GPS data indicates that we are 26.2 miles from the nearest body of water.
[Kid chuckles as he touches the gigantic monitor's screen.]
Phantasm: ...I missed your ass, buddy. No, Eye-Six... we're home. It's been a while, but... we're finally home.
----------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty basement. It's about five hours later, and Kid Phantasm has begun to 'install' all of the various components of what we can only assume is 'Project Seven' (the item on Kid's to-do list that reads 'COMPUTER'). Kid stares angrily at his large beautiful display, as it gives a lengthy list of error messages that don't quite add up.]
Phantasm: Eye-Six, give me a quick power diagnostic... what's on and what's off, and why?
Iceberg-Six: Voltage appears to be 75% of required capacity for system's power needs - hard-drive failures appear to be caused by alternating power shortages.
Phantasm: Fuckin' brown-outs? Great. Yeah, Eye-Six... they just don't make 'em like they used to. They broke the mold when they made you, buddy.
Iceberg-Six: Theory would state that a gas-powered generator could off-set electrical shortages easily. Searching for big-box hardware stores... there is a 'Home Depot' 6.4 miles away from you. Would you like directions?
[As Kid Phantasm attempts a response, he is deafened by his doorbell's ring. He covers his ears quickly, but not quickly enough.]
Phantasm: Ah, just in time - if I've gotta get a damn generator, at least my ride's here!
[The Kid searches briefly for (then grabs) a nearby claw hammer, dashing up the stairs. He throws open the front door, revealing a confused-looking Johnny Reb. Reb's confusion doesn't clear up any as he watches the Kid swing the hammer he's holding, smashing his doorbell.]
Reb: You never told me you had a house in 'Vegas, Kid.... damn. Quite a spread you got goin'.
Phantasm: Never had a reason to come out here before. Now, though... it just seems right. When she comes back, I want her to come back to a proper home, you know?
[Reb smiles instead of giving a response, correctly assuming that in the Kid's mind Nightmare could return at any minute. Kid gestures to Reb with his non-hammer-wielding hand, inviting the Inveterate One inside.]
Reb: So you're havin' computer troubles, huh? You uh, you try turning it on and off?
[The Kid rolls his eyes hard enough to hurt his head.]
Phantasm: Oh, ha-ha. If I'd needed tech support, I'd have called India. I either need a doctor or a wizard, and I'm not sure which, so-
Reb: That explains it, then. I guess show me the patient- reckon we'll get it sorted out somehow.
[They head down the basement stairs, Kid tossing the hammer onto the workbench as he heads towards Iceberg-Six. As Johnny Reb takes in the scene, he glances about and whistles through his teeth.]
Reb: Yeah, I bet you coulda used a spare pair o' hands, at least for movin' this haul-
Phantasm: Oh, I got a little help... the UPS guy and Wayne Newton helped me get it down here, but they split.
Reb: Wait... Wayne Newton? He's still alive? Hell, he's older'n dirt! Maybe even older than that. Then again, I guess Vegas is where old famous people go to wait out the clock... the ones that ain't in Branson, anyhow.
Phantasm: I would totally trade you two Wayne Newtons for one Yakov Smirnoff.
[Reb laughs, then does a remarkably good Smirnoff impression...]
Reb: 'In Soviet Russia, computer fixes you!'
[...surprising the hell out of Kid Phantasm. The Kid responds with an exuberant high-five.]
Phantasm: Fuck yes. That's what I'm talkin' about. Reb with the punchline!
[Reb smiles as he looks questioningly at the rigged-together servers.]
Reb: So what're you needin' my help with, exactly?
Phantasm: I... just kinda figured you'd fix it. You know, just hit it with your, uh... magic wrench-thing. Or whatever.
[Reb's questioning look turns full-bore on Kid Phantasm.]
Reb: My what?
Phantasm: Your... sonic impact wrench. Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket.
[Reb pulls a metallic device out of his pocket, palming it as he gestures towards Kid P]
Reb: ...do you even know how this thing works?
Phantasm: Uh... not really. Isn't it magic, kinda?
[Reb laughs slightly, trying not to hurt Kid's feelings.]
Reb: No, man... it's science.
Phantasm: So explain it to me, then.
Reb: Wait, what now? When, now?
Phantasm: Sure!
Reb: ...while you're sober?
------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Pantheon West Coast Headquarters (New Antarctica, Nevada); more specifically, the dusty (and now quite smoky) basement. Kid Phantasm and Johnny Reb sit on the floor, passing an old brass pipe back and forth while blowing clouds of smoke around the room. It's hard to tell how much time has passed or how much they've smoked... that is, until Kid Phantasm suddenly busts out in fits of hysterical laughter.]
Reb: Wha?
[Kid attempts to straighten his face for a response, but can't seem to pull it off.]
Phantasm: In Soviet- heh- Russia, heh heh computer fixes you.
[Phantasm laughs and laughs, his laughter becoming infectious... Reb catches a bad case of it, revealing that these two are (much like a Jon LeJoie song) 'high as fuck'. Reb finally catches his breath and asks a telltale question.]
Reb: What were we doing?
Phantasm: You were gonna explain to me how your sonic impact wrench works.
Reb: ...I was?
Phantasm: Yeah... unless you already did and I forgot.
Reb: Hell, that'll take forever. It's complicated shit, man- and why in the world would I go and do that? So you can steal it from me?
[Reb looks suspiciously at Kid Phantasm, as if expecting him to grow horns.]
Phantasm: Dude... you're totally bein' paranoid. It's cool, man- it's cool. It's just me. Just good ol' Kid P... what would I use the thing for, anyway? Magic up a time machine or something?
[Reb's suspicious look takes a turn toward 'concerned', which causes both of them to break out in a full-on relapse of laughter. Kid ends up stretching out on the dirty concrete floor, clutching his sides.]
Reb: Shit, Kid - ain't we s'posed to be in Denmark? If I know Corey Black, he's waitin' on us... probly Purse and Fly, too, by now.
Phantasm: Fuck- what day is this? ...shit, how is it Monday already?
Reb: Yesterday was Slam. You were on it. Remember?
Phantasm: ...oh yeah. Yeah, they're probably expecting us at Corey's castle... uh, hey, how were you getting there?
[Reb looks at the Kid, head half-cocked to one side, face bent into a sly smile.]
Reb: Guess I could get us to the airport... make some room in the car right quicklike, no big deal... you got anymore of that blue stuff?
Phantasm: What, the 'Blue Mindfuck'? Yeah, oh yeah - trust me, we got plenty. We got enough to last us till at least Denmark. Maybe even some for Norway, depending on how much Purse blows with us. He's a little weird about smoking during training, but... gotta take a break sometime, right?
Reb: I lent out my Ranchero for the week, so we're gonna have to move- time ain't necessarily on our side, so to speak. I don't know how y'all handle it...
Phantasm: What?
Reb: Working against time.
Phantasm: That's all life is, when you think about it... you fight time, then you inevitably lose. Having fun along the way helps, but it doesn't change the ending much.
[Reb slowly nods.]
Reb: That's deep, Kid.
Phantasm: -oh, shit, we were gonna go, right? Eye-Six!
Iceberg-Six: Iceberg-Six online, awaiting instructions. Current status of 'Project Seven' is incomplete, unable to project a completion time due to myriad of circumstances. I apologize for the inconvinience. Shall I save all relevant data to project file 'Seven' and begin a new program?
Phantasm: Do what you feel, Eye-Six, but after you take care of this- I need two plane tickets to Copenhagen. Don't care which airline, but we've gotta get there fast.
Iceberg-Six: Certainly.
Phantasm: You're staying here, Eye-Six... if any of these components fail or the house's alarm goes off, I'm gonna want a report on it sent to my cell.
Iceberg-Six: Acknowledged. Safe travels, user 'Kid Phantasm'.
[Reb tamps, then empties, the old brass pipe. He takes a small blue-green bud from the Kid's workbench and loads it into the bowl.]
Reb: So lemme ask you, then- if you already got a little computer that talks to you, what you need this big ol' thing for?
Phantasm: Oh, it's not for me... it's for us.
[Reb looks to Kid Phantasm, noticing his sly smile... he quickly deduces what the Kid's aiming at.]
Reb: That'd explain the amount of server space y'got there... shoot, you got enough electronic brainpower in that thing to service a couple of Pantheons.
Phantasm: Yeah, it's probably overkill... but you know me, Reb. Once I get started on something, I always end up going bigger than I expected to.
[Kid shrugs at Reb, who hands him the brass piece; Kid nods in thanks, taking Reb's lighter and blasting the beautiful blue-green plant matter inside it with a shower of burning butane.]
Iceberg-Six: Seats reserved on Continental Airlines Flight 496, leaving McCarran International Airport Las Vegas for Kastrup Airport Copenhagen in two hours twelve minutes. Non-stop flight. First class, seats 3A and 3B. Are these arrangements suitable?
[Phantasm nods as he holds in a cloud of smoke.]
Reb: I love this damn computer, Kid. This thing is downright handy.
[The Kid coughs up a cloud, then catches his breath as he nods vigorously at Johnny Reb.]
Phantasm: Yeah, Eye-Six - that'll do. That'll do nicely.
[Reb looks over at the workbench.]
Reb: So how you gonna get that sack through customs, anyhow?
Phantasm: ....damnit, I knew I was forgetting something...
Reb: Could do like they do at the Border... you know, just cornhole it, or tape it 'twixt your scrotum and your cornhole. Wouldn't be too bad if we split it up, each took half- chances of us gettin' strip-searched are slim, and even lower they'd dig around in your high-knee.
Phantasm: Something tells me you've done this before, Reb.
Reb: ...what, fly to Denmark with half an ounce of hydroponic herb taped to m'taint? Not particularly, but... first time for everything, I reckon...
[Kid Phantasm sighs in agreement.]
Phantasm: I'll get the tape.
[As the Kid climbs the stairs, Johnny Reb looks thoughtful for a second- suddenly, he shouts up the stairs.]
Reb: Hate to ask ya, Kid, but you ain't got a razor handy, would ya? I hadn't really trimmed the lawn lately, so to speak, and-
[Kid P interrupts the Inveterate Confederate, trying not to laugh.]
Phantasm: I'll look around, but before you ask- I'm not going anywhere near your 'lawn'. A man's 'yardwork' is his own business.
[As the door closes, Reb lights the bowl of his old brass pipe. As he inhales, he looks thoughtfully at the spotty-powered mainframe... with a quick flip of the wrist, he pulls a metallic device from his pocket, popping the mainframe's power supply open dangerously. With the back of the device, Reb taps a few spots on the circuit board lightly.]
Reb: Don't take much... but I bet that does 'er.
[Grabbing the bag from the workbench, Reb heads up the stairs after Kid Phantasm. Moments after the door closes, Iceberg-Six pops up a large yellow message box onto the six-foot tall monitor plugged into its VGA connector. Though no one is in the room to see its message... but for us, I guess... it offers it up plain as day. The box reads three sentences in 20-plus point font: "ACCESSING HARDWARE COMPONENTS", "NEW HARDWARE FOUND", and "UPLOADING DATA....0%".]
[(c) Wrestling Championship Federation 2012. The views of Kid Phantasm and Johnny Reb are not necessarily those of WCF or any of its sponsors or affiliates. Wayne Newton appears courtesy of the City of Las Vegas. All rights reserved.]
