Post by Deleted on May 13, 2007 13:44:09 GMT -5
An ode to the changing tides of rising stars. An eternal epiphany secured Cairo's place among the greats with a resounding victory over his mortal foe. Yet Cairo was not satisfied. Cairo's drunken banter at the Fillmore Hotel signaled his latest tryst with the law. The hysteria of championship glory would not be squandered. Cairo's eyes were dazed for days yet the man did not surrender. Cairo's icy stare into the distant sunset preceded his forlorn philandering with a television star of some acclaim. Appropriate? Yes, as Cairo is the new King of Television. The Television Championship has long been overlooked, but now the TV strap will take its rightful place among the prestigious honors of this great sport that we call rasslin. Cairo wanted to share his thoughts on some things. We arranged for Cairo to sit down and speak, as he has done before. Cairo enjoys this format because it allows his thoughts to flow freely from his mind. Cairo sits down in a comfortable reclining chair in front of a nice, warm fireplace. The fire is crackling as Cairo enjoys Pepsi straight from the bottle and strokes his precious, newly won TV Title belt.
Bobby Cairo: It has been some time, my friends, but Cairo is once again wearing championship gold. Oh yes, this is an especially sweet victory because it comes at the expense of my dear friend Jones. I want you to know something, Jones. I want you to know that I am a better man today because of my encounters with you. You made me rise to the occasion when I didn't feel like it. Maybe I didn't feel like it because I was depressed or because I was in a great deal of physical pain. But you, my friend, you made me search my soul. You made me rediscover my competitive fire. You brought out the man in me. Not just the man who likes to score with hot chicks. No, no. That's one kind of man, but you brought out a different kind of man. You turned me into a man who takes great pride in his work. You turned me into a meticulous and methodical killing machine. I want to thank you, Mr. Jones. I could never have achieved my dreams of once again reigning over the competition without your motivational tactics. You complete me as much as I could ever be completed, Mr. Jones, and that don't mean digging in the dirt with farm implements. I take my hats off to you, Lawnmower Jones, and I hope that your wife dies a slow and agonizing death.
Cairo took a deep breath as he thought back to the events transpired. He thought about the night that started the whole damn thing when he kidnapped Lonnie. Cairo salivated as he recalled dancing around in his boxer shorts with Lonnie handcuffed to the water heater in his basement. Cairo enjoyed holding Lonnie for ransom. This was a productive period for Cairo because it allowed him to achieve the mainstream notoriety that he so craved. Cairo was featured on such programs as Jimmy Kimmel Live and Headbangers Ball as he outlined his plot to destroy Lawnmower Jones and re-ascend to the big old mountaintop of WCF championship glory. Cairo took a drink of Pepsi as his memory wandered along to the night that he used brass knuckles to beat Jones and gain custody of Lonnie. Cairo cackled like a politician as he relived the joyous occasion of beating Lonnie to within an inch of her life in front of a nationwide television audience the following week on Slam. Cairo nearly ejaculated as thought back to the great times. Cairo regained his composure as he gazed down at his championship title.
Bobby Cairo: Some people are more deserving than others. Everybody has wants and desires, but how many people truly deserve to achieve their goals? Cairo is one of the special ones. Cairo has not only the drive to succeed, but also the talent and the discipline rise above all others. I am not necessarily dynamic by creation, yet I have carved myself into a warrior of the ultimate kind. Backlund would be proud and indeed he is. I spoke with Backlund and he assured me that I will enjoy much great victories before the lights get turned down and I am cast to a shallow-nay-watery grave. This brings me to my next match. For those who are not aware, Bobby Cairo is competing this Sunday in a fatal fourway against some generic "competition." My opponents for this match amount to not much as I step into the ring with such rejects as Michael Ragnal, Daniel Vice and Ulysses S. Thunder. I must take a moment to ponder this contest. You have the irrelevant Hardcore Champion, the irrelevant former Hardcore Champion, as well as the perennial enhancement talent. I find this challenge to be boring and I would not be surprised if I walk away halfway through the match. I am a busy man and stuff like this hardly seems worth wasting my time. I suppose that if I were paying attention to this match in any capacity I could offer some words of wisdom to my opponents. I'm gonna start with Ragnal if you guys don't mind. It makes sense because he is the most confused of the group and someone whom I do not want to spend a long time talking about, so let's get him out of the way first. Basically, I have a simple message for Ragnal. Ragnal, are you paying attention? I don't want to repeat myself, young man. Essentially I think that your girlfriend is very sexy, Mr. Ragnal. I will pay you $1 million to sleep with your girlfriend. I am being very generous because you have not had a successful wrestling career and I am assuming that you really need money. Please take 12 or 15 minutes to mull over my proposal. I want to get some action tonight and in fact I'm already starting to get a woody as I think about your girlfriend's comely buttocks.
Cairo massages one out, then chuckles to himself. It seemed to be quite good and enjoyable as Cairo goes to the kitchen and prepares a giant turkey sandwich. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he did wash his hands first. Cairo chomps down upon the very big sandwich, chewing thoroughly so as to avoid choking complications because he would not want to choke to death on a friggin sandwich. After a couple of more bites, Cairo wipes his mouth with a sexy cloth napkin and returns to his monologue.
Bobby Cairo: Ok, we're done with Ragnal. Now we move along to Thunder. I want you to take a deep breath, Thunder. This ain't the JV leagues no more. You're in the big-time, young man. This is Bobby Cairo. If I were you I would be very nervous, Mr. Thunder. You don't seem like you have the mental capacity to keep pace with Cairo. Few do, so it's not like you're too far behind the curve, but there's something a little off-kilter about your whole routine. If I had to take a guess, Thunder, I would suggest that you're hanging on by a thread. You could lose everything in the blink of an eye. Do you own a home, Thunder? I would invest in fire, theft, and flood insurance if I was you, Thunder. Bobby Cairo may want to do some very bad things to your home. It's almost like Cairo is inside of your mind, Thunder. Do you understand what I mean, Thunder? I have to be honest, I would really like to drop you on your head a bunch of times. I would like to see the blood flow freely like an ocean current as you struggle for survival. I would laugh for days as the maggots devoured your corpse. Hey, Thunder, I think that after you and I are both deceased it would be pretty cool if I ruled over you in Hell. I could be like the owner of a dominion and you could be one of the minions in my dominion. Let me know if you're interested, man.
Cairo flipped through the pages of an old scrapbook that chronicled the days of his youth. Allusions were made to such notable figures as US President Ronald Reagan, Hollywood sensation Michael J. Fox, and New Wave legends The Cars. Cairo had tears in his eyes as he thought back to days in the grass with his siblings and high school serenades for teenage lovebirds. Those times were truly a prelude to greatness for Mr. Cairo. The formative design for a championship formula. Cairo places the book down on the coffee table in front of him and leans back in the recliner.
Bobby Cairo: I have to apologize to Vice because I seem to be lost in the moment. I cannot give Vice his summation right now. Perhaps another day, Mr. Vice. It's funny how things change so much as we grow and evolve as people, yet once in a while we manage to come full circle. We come back to where we started. I have achieved this euphoria. I had this same experience the other morning when I was watching Galaxy Quest. Galaxy Quest has always been a film to bring me much joy, yet on Saturday morning I was almost paralyzed by the warm glow of Tim Allen's soulful compassion toward fellow lifeforms. It goddamn near brought tears to me eyes. I could've died in that moment and I would have been in Heaven. True Heaven, not that Philadelphia Cream Cheese bullshit. Fucking commercial faggots. Anyway, the point is that I have learned the art of balance. If Shadows Fall can preach then I can be the choir. That's all for now. Goodbye, everybody.
Cairo leaves the room and heads upstairs for bed.
Bobby Cairo: It has been some time, my friends, but Cairo is once again wearing championship gold. Oh yes, this is an especially sweet victory because it comes at the expense of my dear friend Jones. I want you to know something, Jones. I want you to know that I am a better man today because of my encounters with you. You made me rise to the occasion when I didn't feel like it. Maybe I didn't feel like it because I was depressed or because I was in a great deal of physical pain. But you, my friend, you made me search my soul. You made me rediscover my competitive fire. You brought out the man in me. Not just the man who likes to score with hot chicks. No, no. That's one kind of man, but you brought out a different kind of man. You turned me into a man who takes great pride in his work. You turned me into a meticulous and methodical killing machine. I want to thank you, Mr. Jones. I could never have achieved my dreams of once again reigning over the competition without your motivational tactics. You complete me as much as I could ever be completed, Mr. Jones, and that don't mean digging in the dirt with farm implements. I take my hats off to you, Lawnmower Jones, and I hope that your wife dies a slow and agonizing death.
Cairo took a deep breath as he thought back to the events transpired. He thought about the night that started the whole damn thing when he kidnapped Lonnie. Cairo salivated as he recalled dancing around in his boxer shorts with Lonnie handcuffed to the water heater in his basement. Cairo enjoyed holding Lonnie for ransom. This was a productive period for Cairo because it allowed him to achieve the mainstream notoriety that he so craved. Cairo was featured on such programs as Jimmy Kimmel Live and Headbangers Ball as he outlined his plot to destroy Lawnmower Jones and re-ascend to the big old mountaintop of WCF championship glory. Cairo took a drink of Pepsi as his memory wandered along to the night that he used brass knuckles to beat Jones and gain custody of Lonnie. Cairo cackled like a politician as he relived the joyous occasion of beating Lonnie to within an inch of her life in front of a nationwide television audience the following week on Slam. Cairo nearly ejaculated as thought back to the great times. Cairo regained his composure as he gazed down at his championship title.
Bobby Cairo: Some people are more deserving than others. Everybody has wants and desires, but how many people truly deserve to achieve their goals? Cairo is one of the special ones. Cairo has not only the drive to succeed, but also the talent and the discipline rise above all others. I am not necessarily dynamic by creation, yet I have carved myself into a warrior of the ultimate kind. Backlund would be proud and indeed he is. I spoke with Backlund and he assured me that I will enjoy much great victories before the lights get turned down and I am cast to a shallow-nay-watery grave. This brings me to my next match. For those who are not aware, Bobby Cairo is competing this Sunday in a fatal fourway against some generic "competition." My opponents for this match amount to not much as I step into the ring with such rejects as Michael Ragnal, Daniel Vice and Ulysses S. Thunder. I must take a moment to ponder this contest. You have the irrelevant Hardcore Champion, the irrelevant former Hardcore Champion, as well as the perennial enhancement talent. I find this challenge to be boring and I would not be surprised if I walk away halfway through the match. I am a busy man and stuff like this hardly seems worth wasting my time. I suppose that if I were paying attention to this match in any capacity I could offer some words of wisdom to my opponents. I'm gonna start with Ragnal if you guys don't mind. It makes sense because he is the most confused of the group and someone whom I do not want to spend a long time talking about, so let's get him out of the way first. Basically, I have a simple message for Ragnal. Ragnal, are you paying attention? I don't want to repeat myself, young man. Essentially I think that your girlfriend is very sexy, Mr. Ragnal. I will pay you $1 million to sleep with your girlfriend. I am being very generous because you have not had a successful wrestling career and I am assuming that you really need money. Please take 12 or 15 minutes to mull over my proposal. I want to get some action tonight and in fact I'm already starting to get a woody as I think about your girlfriend's comely buttocks.
Cairo massages one out, then chuckles to himself. It seemed to be quite good and enjoyable as Cairo goes to the kitchen and prepares a giant turkey sandwich. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he did wash his hands first. Cairo chomps down upon the very big sandwich, chewing thoroughly so as to avoid choking complications because he would not want to choke to death on a friggin sandwich. After a couple of more bites, Cairo wipes his mouth with a sexy cloth napkin and returns to his monologue.
Bobby Cairo: Ok, we're done with Ragnal. Now we move along to Thunder. I want you to take a deep breath, Thunder. This ain't the JV leagues no more. You're in the big-time, young man. This is Bobby Cairo. If I were you I would be very nervous, Mr. Thunder. You don't seem like you have the mental capacity to keep pace with Cairo. Few do, so it's not like you're too far behind the curve, but there's something a little off-kilter about your whole routine. If I had to take a guess, Thunder, I would suggest that you're hanging on by a thread. You could lose everything in the blink of an eye. Do you own a home, Thunder? I would invest in fire, theft, and flood insurance if I was you, Thunder. Bobby Cairo may want to do some very bad things to your home. It's almost like Cairo is inside of your mind, Thunder. Do you understand what I mean, Thunder? I have to be honest, I would really like to drop you on your head a bunch of times. I would like to see the blood flow freely like an ocean current as you struggle for survival. I would laugh for days as the maggots devoured your corpse. Hey, Thunder, I think that after you and I are both deceased it would be pretty cool if I ruled over you in Hell. I could be like the owner of a dominion and you could be one of the minions in my dominion. Let me know if you're interested, man.
Cairo flipped through the pages of an old scrapbook that chronicled the days of his youth. Allusions were made to such notable figures as US President Ronald Reagan, Hollywood sensation Michael J. Fox, and New Wave legends The Cars. Cairo had tears in his eyes as he thought back to days in the grass with his siblings and high school serenades for teenage lovebirds. Those times were truly a prelude to greatness for Mr. Cairo. The formative design for a championship formula. Cairo places the book down on the coffee table in front of him and leans back in the recliner.
Bobby Cairo: I have to apologize to Vice because I seem to be lost in the moment. I cannot give Vice his summation right now. Perhaps another day, Mr. Vice. It's funny how things change so much as we grow and evolve as people, yet once in a while we manage to come full circle. We come back to where we started. I have achieved this euphoria. I had this same experience the other morning when I was watching Galaxy Quest. Galaxy Quest has always been a film to bring me much joy, yet on Saturday morning I was almost paralyzed by the warm glow of Tim Allen's soulful compassion toward fellow lifeforms. It goddamn near brought tears to me eyes. I could've died in that moment and I would have been in Heaven. True Heaven, not that Philadelphia Cream Cheese bullshit. Fucking commercial faggots. Anyway, the point is that I have learned the art of balance. If Shadows Fall can preach then I can be the choir. That's all for now. Goodbye, everybody.
Cairo leaves the room and heads upstairs for bed.
