Post by Jonny Fly on Apr 13, 2012 15:18:47 GMT -5
Scene Begins
This scene is taking place just two short hours after the previous one. Jonny Fly and Kid Phantasm are now at Wayne Newton's house partying. Why? Because they're in Vegas, and that just makes sense. Newton is hosting an after-party for one of his shitty shows at the Tropicana or wherever the fuck he performs. Anyways, Fly and Kid have been invited there by some whore he's banging on the side. There are about a hundred people in the house right now, most of them partying out back by the pool. Kid Phantasm, on the other hand, is sitting quietly by himself in a chair in a random hallway. Why? Who the fuck knows? Let's find out. A door is opened down the hall and Jonny Fly and WSB, making her triumphant return to the scene, emerge. They approach the sitting Kid Phantasm.
Kid! I just painted Wayne Newton's room white.
...and he painted my face white!
Fly smiles mischievously while Kid just shakes his head as he gets to his feet.
Now that you two have had your fun, you promised me that we could kill Carrot Top.
Wait, what? Where the fuck did that come from?
Kid scowls at Fly.
You said, verbatim, that if I watched the perimeter while you fucked in Wayne Newton's bed you would help me kill Carrot Top. I didn't get it in writing or anything, but... I thought we had trust, man.
Wait, Carrot Top is here? Seriously? At this house!?
Kid looks as frustrated as humanly possible. He's holding out his hands and staring at Fly like 'what the fuck is wrong with you?'
YES, DUDE! We saw him earlier downstairs. Don't you remember?
Uh...no. Was he carrying around that box of props he always has?
WSB chimes in while hanging all over Fly.
Oh yeah, we could use some of those later!
Kid is visibly upset, and seems like he's about to snap. Fly grabs him by the shoulder and calms him down.
Look - if you want to kill Carrot Top, I'm game. I've killed a lot of people; I mean what's another one, right?
Whoa, what are you talking about?
Yeah, what the hell...?
Fly realizes the mistake he just made. He quickly plays it off.
I'm just fucking with you guys. Come on, let's go downstairs.
Fly walks down the hallway with WSB tagging along right next to him. Kid Phantasm follows closely behind. The hallway runs into a staircase leading down to the foyer area of Newton's Mansion. As soon as Fly reaches the bottom of the stairs the front door into the house swings open and inside walks...Cameraman Bob! Bob has some bitch under his arm and is swinging around the world's largest bag of Del Taco. Fly stops on the bottom step in complete shock.
No. That's impossible! Bob?
JONNY FLY! I got the Taco's, bro!
Kid and Fly stare at Bob in shock.
How did you find - I mean, where have you been?
It's actually a funny story. Alright, check this out, I went out to get the Taco's as you requested. I got to Del Taco and told them I wanted 100 tacos. No problem. I waited like a fucking half hour for them to make the tacos and then started back to the casino where I last saw you. About half way there I ran into this group of hookers. They were all like 'hey boy, you want to have some fun' and I was like 'fuck you sluts I'm on a mission' and then they started running after me! I took off running down the street, but they caught me because I’m fat and slow, and started beating me up on the street. Then I saw one of them trying to take my Taco's and I went crazy. You should have seen me! I felt like you out there. I knocked all the hookers out and ran away before anyone could even call the cops! Then...
Kid shakes his head in disbelief as Cameraman Bob continues
...I got to the casino a short while later, couldn't find you, but overheard some people talking about a 'Jonny Fly's International House of Skanks' that was opening up. I was like 'jackpot!' and went over there to find you but the fucking doors were locked! So I'm standing there with 15 pounds of delicious Tacos in my hand and I'm figuring you have to be in there, right? So I walk around back, open a window, and climb through. I'm searching the club for you and I come across this pretty girl right here. She just happened to have snuck in too! She told me that she heard that you bought the club, was a really big fan of yours, and wanted to work there. I told her I was a cameraman for Wrestling Championship Federation, and that I was personally friends with you and we just hit it off from there. She started talking about how much she loved watching you wrestle and all that. After she gave me a handy on the stripper stage, I got the Tacos, and we went to one of those nice little chapels and got married! Can you believe it?!
Dear Readers, Jonny Fly doesn't give a fuck about Cameraman Bob. He didn't listen to a word of what he just said until he heard 'stripper stage.' He looks at Bob pissed off.
You motherfucker, if you ruined my stripper stage....
Whoa! Hold the hostility, I cleaned up!
Whatever, bitch. Give me the fucking Tacos.
Fly snatches the bag of Tacos away from Bob. He turns to walk away but the girl with Camerman Bob quickly moves forward and whispers into Fly's ear.
I only married him so that I could meet you, big boy...
Fly quickly pulls back and looks at her in shock. A mischievous smile quickly comes onto her face. He turns to Kid and WSB.
Hey, I'm going to need to interview her for the club. You guys go have some fun. I'll meet up with you in...several...minutes...or hours....
Kid understands immediately what is going on and grabs the bag of Tacos from Fly, grabs Bob and WSB, and then heads to the kitchen. Fly and Bob's wife disappear upstairs for many sexual pleasures. Our camera moves into the kitchen where Kid Phantasm, Cameraman Bob, and WSB can be seen devouring mucho mas tacos. At this exact moment motherfucking Wayne Newton himself walks into the kitchen with the girl from the club under his arm.
Wayne Newton: Now these are the people I want to meet!
Kid finishes eating the taco in his hand and responds. Caring less that he's not more than ten feet away from Mr. Las Vegas himself, he responds with the only thing that is on his mind...
Tell me where Carrot Top is hiding and I promise I won't destroy you too.
Uh... Carrot Top? He's on the patio I believe... could I interest you in a cocktail?
Phantasm turns and quickly leaves the kitchen to head to the patio. He could give a fuck less about a cocktail.
Guess he's not much for parties. Hey, who made a Del Taco run? Excellent!
Let’s fast-forward this bitch about thirty minutes, shall we? Jonny Fly re-emerges in the kitchen. He spots out Cameraman Bob and walks over to him.
Bobby, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?
Uh...bad news, I guess?
The bad news is I had sex with your wife before you did.
WHAT THE FUCK, JONNY!?!
Wait! Hear me out. The good news is that she was actually a lesbian who was using you just to get closer to me.
Fly puts his hand on Bob's shoulder.
But that was a half-hour ago, Bob. She's a different woman now. She loves dick, now. You're welcome.
Fly smiles and turns back to the rest of the group in the scene. WSB is staring bullets through Fly after overhearing what he's just said. Wayne Newton isn't sure what the hell is going on and the bitch with him has a glazed look over her eyes as she stares at Fly. She's likely imagining the two of them doing naughty things in Wayne's bed too, but let's move on...WSB is pissed.
What the fuck!? You said you loved me! I wanted to be Mrs. World Champion!
Fly laughs out loud and shakes his head 'no.'
Get real. Everyone should realize by now I only use that to get laid. You wanna be Miss World Champ? You better enter a fuckin' pageant.
WSB looks as if she's about to cry. She marches out of the room. Wayne Newton walks over to Fly and shakes his hand.
(yelling) You've got the tits for it!
Jonny Fly, huh? I'm a big fan of professional wrestling. It's great to meet you.
You're a wrestling fan?
Why is that so hard to believe?
I don't know... you're just kind of...lame. That's all.
Wayne Newton starts shitting rainbows. He's obviously upset about what Fly has said to him, but let's face it, Wayne Newton? Who the fuck is writing this shit?
Well to be honest, I'm actually a Jay Price fan. It's a coincidence that you're here. I was just telling some of my friends out back that I think Price is going to win at XIII. Most of them agreed... even Teller, and he doesn't talk for shit.
Readers, pop a squat. Let’s talk. You see, Jonny Fly has been drinking for hours by now, and that statement just isn't acceptable at this point in the night. Fly lunges, grabs Newton by the back of the neck and forces him to walk forward. Fly leads Newton out of the kitchen and out to the back patio area. Out back there are dozens of people drinking, swimming in Wayne's pool, dancing to music, making out with hookers, that type of bullshit. Fly leads Newton toward the pool and throws his 70 year old ass into the pool. I know what you’re thinking; ‘Maybe he can’t swim and he’ll drown and we’ll never have to hear him sing again!’ Sorry, but unfortunately Wayne Newton will go on to survive this encounter. Anyway, the scene causes the entire party to stop what they are doing and focus on Jonny Fly.
Now that I have your attention...
Fly smiles. He notices a woman about two yards away from him with a drink in her hand. Fly snatches the drink, downs it, and throws the glass in the pool. It hits Wayne Newton in the head, obviously.
It's come to my attention that a lot of you profess to be some sort of wrestling experts. You all think Jay Price is going to win at XIII, right?
There's an uncomfortable feeling in the air. Fly is basically belligerent at this point, but still speaking clearly and forming big-boy thoughts. He begins to move around the patio from person to person, staring at them as he continues to speak.
Fly: What the hell do you all see in Jay Price?
Fly stops and stares a man who is nearly his height. The man says nothing and looks at the ground. Fly smiles and continues his trip around the patio.
I'll tell you what I've seen. I watched him come back from the fucking dead at One and attack Torture when his back was turned. Lame. I watched him declare war against Seth Lerch, which, for the record, went fucking nowhere. I watched as he was 'forced' to compete in the tag-team division as some form of punishment. Lamer. I watched him reform the Ladykillerz. Then I watched as Greenfever carried that team to the WCF Tag Team Championship.
Fly stops in front of another man and stares him down.
Do you think Jay Price can beat me?
I think it's possible, but...
Unless you can hear people talk while they are underwater, there is no way to know what that man was going to say. Fly has grabbed him by the throat and tossed him into the pool. He smiles as the man splashes around trying to get out of the water. He continues his rant.
That was the scope of his 'war' with Seth Lerch. Intense, right! I mean what the fuck was that? He must of finally woke up and realized nobody was paying any attention to his ass and decided that he would be better served trying to get pity points as a depressed and drunken loser. That's Jay Price! That's the whole synopsis of his body of work over the last three months. That's the man you think is going to take this company from me? Really?
Finally someone finds the sack to speak out against Fly... it's a young dude wearing a leather jacket. What a douche, right? He shall receive pink coloring.
I've met Jay Price. He's just a different animal in a Clockwork Orange match. I think that's all anyone is saying.
Fly shakes his head 'no' and approaches the man.
I thought we broke that cliché when he got beat by Zombie McMorris in the last one? Jay Price is just expecting to flip a switch and show up to Tokyo as a completely different wrestler than he's been the last three months. That's fucking stupid. Right now, this second, Price is going about his life as a drunken depressed mid-carder. I'm supposed to believe that just by putting him in a Clockwork Orange World Title match he's now going to be something else? I don't buy it, and even if it's true, I don't give a fuck. It’s not good enough to beat me. Do you understand?
The man shrugs his shoulders and Fly moves on.
I approach every single match the same way. I don't need to flip a switch. I don't need to turn back the clock. I'm NOT the one with something to prove at XIII. I didn't get into this match by making a bet with Corey Black. I'm in this match because every fucking week I go out and perform at a level superior to those around me, and for the last three months, that's included Jay Price. Wake up, motherfuckers, join me in reality. Even a win here means nothing for Price. I'll take the belt right back from him as soon as the opportunity is given. If he finds a way to do what nobody else has proven they can, beat me, it'll be a short lived celebration either way. He'll lose to Twilight two weeks later and go down as the worst World Champion in history.
There are some rumbling of disagreements in the crowd of people. Fly approaches a man who is whispering into his friend’s ear.
Hi. I’m Jonny Fly. Greatest wrestler in the world.
Fly sticks out his hand and the man shakes it. Fly drapes his around the man’s shoulders.
What do you think about all this? Am I wrong? Am I crazy?
The man speaks.
I mean no offense – but I think there is a legitimate question about who you’ve faced.
Oh no. Oh, god, no. I can smell murder in the air. Fly removes his arm from around the man’s shoulders and begins to circle him. He looks pissed, and speaks slowly and softly…
Who I’ve faced, huh? That’s the big question mark on me? Okay. Let’s try to figure this out as a group. Who have I really beaten? Let’s start with…EVERYONE!
Fly is now yelling directly into the face of the man.
EVERYONE! I have beaten…EVERYONE…who has been put in front of me over the last five fucking months. FIVE MONTHS! EVERYONE! I’m batting a fucking thousand! It’s impossible to do any better! Why is this so hard to understand? I’m the World Champion. The question isn’t who have I beaten, I’m above having to prove myself at this point, ESPECIALLY TO JAY PRICE OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE. The CORRECT question to ask at this point is who can beat ME? That’s the only question that is relevant. That’s the only thing that matters. I don’t need to beat a motherfucking soul anymore. I hold the top prize in the game. Everyone answers to ME.
The belligerent Jonny Fly grabs the man by the neck and tosses his ass into the pool as well. He turns back to the crowd.
LISTEN TO ME. ALL OF YOU. THIS IS MY MATCH! Jay Price can go fuck himself. He's simply a challenger, I'm the champ. That's all of the hype he deserves. This match is about me. This is my vengeance. Last time at XIII I found myself on the wrong fucking team with a 'team captain' who had mentally checked out. We got our asses run. I don't have to pick up anyone else's slack this time around. It's only Jay Price and Jonny Fly. Winner takes all….and I always win….
*CRACK!!*
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A loud sound is heard. Everyone on the patio looks over toward the left where the sound has come from. Fly quickly walks over and onto the grass where he’s able to notice a huge hole in the side of the house next door to Newton’s. He approaches, but a cloud of dust is blocking our vision and we're not quite sure what the fuck just happened. Newton’s party guests and Newton himself crowd around Fly trying to see what’s happening. Kid Phantasm emerges from the hole. He looks out at the crowd of people as he wipes himself off.
Good. You're all here to witness this! It comes with great pleasure that I announce that I have... killed Carrot Top. Our lives will be forever enriched!
The crowd gasps in horror as Fly laughs hysterically.
Way to go, Kid! You saw your goal, and you realized it. And now the world is a better place. Follow-through. You're already a greater wrestler than Jay Price will ever be.
Just then, some asshole comes out of the hole in what we can assume his is wall.
Hey, what the fuck did you do to my house? I'll sue you for every dime you have.
Fly points to Kid Phantasm, still covered in the blood of a hack prop comic.
You see that guy? He just killed a man for making one too many jokes about beer goggles. Don't even think what he'd do to your lawyer.
I'd disbar the fuck out of that guy. With my fist.
He'd do it, too. He's crazy. Look at him - crazy eyes.
Fly grabs the man by the head, turning it to the Kid. Kid does his best impression of his own girlfriend.
I'd just move and change my name if I were you. Seriously, that works. . How much was that shithole worth, anyway?
Three point eight million dollars, if you must know-
Fly: Here's a check for four. Wait...
Fly fishes in his pockets.
Here's like six grand to get the fuck out of here now. If I ever see you again I'll have this guy throw Yakov Smirnoff through your kitchen window while you're eating breakfast.
(terrible Russian accent) In Las Vegas, property damages you!
The guy runs inside in terror.
(laughing) Jonny, why'd you just buy that dude's house?
I bought it for you, you idiot. You're living in a fucking closet. That shit makes me look bad.
Kid seems a bit choked up.
Kid Phantasm: I... I don't know what to-
Wait, one more thing.
Fly turns back to the crowd.
Where the fuck is Wayne Newton at?
The crowd parts and Wayne Newton, clothes all soaked to shit, steps forward. Poor guy doesn’t look very happy.
Wayne! I have a proposition for you.
Go fuck yourself.
Wayne Newton turns around and begins to walk away. Fly yells after him.
Wayne! Are you still having all those money problems?
Of course Wayne Newton is still having money problems. He’s a fucking dumbass. Wayne curiously turns back to Fly and allows him to continue.
Like I said, I have a proposition for you. Kid has a busy schedule coming up. He’s going to Tokyo with me tomorrow, and then he’s got to fly to Reading over the weekend. In May he’ll be out winning the Trios Cup with me. That type of stuff. He could really use someone to clean his house. I’m willing to pay you handsomely for your time and consideration. I'll even add in a sweetner. The next time you get sued for not paying for all the fucking shit you buy, I'll loan you my dynamite legal skills free of charge!
Wayne Newton just stares at Fly. We can’t tell whether he’s ready to explode or if he’s actually considering the offer. He answers the question for us.
....how much are you offering?
$1,000 dollars a week.
Newton smiles excitedly.
I can buy a new guitar! Count me in!
Newton and Fly shake hands and Newton returns to his house. Fly turns back to Kid who is smiling from ear to ear.
Look at you, man - you just killed the worst thing to happen to comedy since Wayans Brothers movies. We need to drink more right now.
We do?
Trust me. I'm the Champ.
The next morning – nope, just kidding, the next afternoon, Nightmare arrives in a taxicab before a large Las Vegas mansion. She speaks into her cellphone to what sounds like our favorite talking computer, Iceberg-Six.
Eye-Six, are you sure this is where you're tracking Phantasm's phone?
The speaker on her smartphone speaks in a robotic monotone.
Correct. User 'Kid Phantasm' is within fifty yards of your current GPS location.
Wow. Certainly looks like something happened here last night... knew I never shoulda let him go off with Fly solo. That guy's a fucking tornado.
She walks up to the hole in the side of the house - a stray cat meows at her, then runs off into the bushes. She follows a trail of empty glass bottles, pausing to look at all of the empty spots on the walls... spots that appeared to have contained family photos or other nostalgia quite recently. Finally she reaches a great room, where she sees a number of people passed out on various pieces of furniture. In the center of the room, passed out on a pool table with Cameraman Bob's new wife on top of him, is WCF World Champion Jonny Fly. He dozes soundly as Nightmare scans the crowd - is that Penn Gillette I see? She asks herself. A mumbling sound from her feet causes her to look down and smile.
How was your evening, sweetheart?
No more shots, please. Please?
It's me, baby. I won't shoot you. I promise.
Kid stands up and brushes himself off. He has drool running off of his face a bit, and his eyes are bloodshot.
The guy's a beast. I'll need a couple years' training just to drink with him.
Where are we right now, anyway? Eye-Six tracked your phone and that's how I found you.
Oh... well, the next door neighbor's Wayne Newton.
The Wayne Newton? The 'What happens in Vegas' guy?
The same. This place? Apparently it's ours. Newton? He’s our maid!
What?!
Jonny Fly throws Cameraman Bob's wife off of him. He rises, singing proudly...
Fly: I AM THE CHAMPION, MY FRIENDS...
He did it.
Nightmare shakes her head in disbelief.
We're gonna need some furniture.
They both begin laughing... and then embrace. Fly looks at them awkwardly.
Are we in Tokyo yet?
Oh, shit, the cab's outside - come on, guys!
Tokyo, here we come!
Fly begins to follow out of the house.
Hey Kid, maybe we’ll get laid on the plane again.
WHAT??
Scene Ends
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This scene is taking place just two short hours after the previous one. Jonny Fly and Kid Phantasm are now at Wayne Newton's house partying. Why? Because they're in Vegas, and that just makes sense. Newton is hosting an after-party for one of his shitty shows at the Tropicana or wherever the fuck he performs. Anyways, Fly and Kid have been invited there by some whore he's banging on the side. There are about a hundred people in the house right now, most of them partying out back by the pool. Kid Phantasm, on the other hand, is sitting quietly by himself in a chair in a random hallway. Why? Who the fuck knows? Let's find out. A door is opened down the hall and Jonny Fly and WSB, making her triumphant return to the scene, emerge. They approach the sitting Kid Phantasm.
Kid! I just painted Wayne Newton's room white.
...and he painted my face white!
Fly smiles mischievously while Kid just shakes his head as he gets to his feet.
Now that you two have had your fun, you promised me that we could kill Carrot Top.
Wait, what? Where the fuck did that come from?
Kid scowls at Fly.
You said, verbatim, that if I watched the perimeter while you fucked in Wayne Newton's bed you would help me kill Carrot Top. I didn't get it in writing or anything, but... I thought we had trust, man.
Wait, Carrot Top is here? Seriously? At this house!?
Kid looks as frustrated as humanly possible. He's holding out his hands and staring at Fly like 'what the fuck is wrong with you?'
YES, DUDE! We saw him earlier downstairs. Don't you remember?
Uh...no. Was he carrying around that box of props he always has?
WSB chimes in while hanging all over Fly.
Oh yeah, we could use some of those later!
Kid is visibly upset, and seems like he's about to snap. Fly grabs him by the shoulder and calms him down.
Look - if you want to kill Carrot Top, I'm game. I've killed a lot of people; I mean what's another one, right?
Whoa, what are you talking about?
Yeah, what the hell...?
Fly realizes the mistake he just made. He quickly plays it off.
I'm just fucking with you guys. Come on, let's go downstairs.
Fly walks down the hallway with WSB tagging along right next to him. Kid Phantasm follows closely behind. The hallway runs into a staircase leading down to the foyer area of Newton's Mansion. As soon as Fly reaches the bottom of the stairs the front door into the house swings open and inside walks...Cameraman Bob! Bob has some bitch under his arm and is swinging around the world's largest bag of Del Taco. Fly stops on the bottom step in complete shock.
No. That's impossible! Bob?
JONNY FLY! I got the Taco's, bro!
Kid and Fly stare at Bob in shock.
How did you find - I mean, where have you been?
It's actually a funny story. Alright, check this out, I went out to get the Taco's as you requested. I got to Del Taco and told them I wanted 100 tacos. No problem. I waited like a fucking half hour for them to make the tacos and then started back to the casino where I last saw you. About half way there I ran into this group of hookers. They were all like 'hey boy, you want to have some fun' and I was like 'fuck you sluts I'm on a mission' and then they started running after me! I took off running down the street, but they caught me because I’m fat and slow, and started beating me up on the street. Then I saw one of them trying to take my Taco's and I went crazy. You should have seen me! I felt like you out there. I knocked all the hookers out and ran away before anyone could even call the cops! Then...
Kid shakes his head in disbelief as Cameraman Bob continues
...I got to the casino a short while later, couldn't find you, but overheard some people talking about a 'Jonny Fly's International House of Skanks' that was opening up. I was like 'jackpot!' and went over there to find you but the fucking doors were locked! So I'm standing there with 15 pounds of delicious Tacos in my hand and I'm figuring you have to be in there, right? So I walk around back, open a window, and climb through. I'm searching the club for you and I come across this pretty girl right here. She just happened to have snuck in too! She told me that she heard that you bought the club, was a really big fan of yours, and wanted to work there. I told her I was a cameraman for Wrestling Championship Federation, and that I was personally friends with you and we just hit it off from there. She started talking about how much she loved watching you wrestle and all that. After she gave me a handy on the stripper stage, I got the Tacos, and we went to one of those nice little chapels and got married! Can you believe it?!
Dear Readers, Jonny Fly doesn't give a fuck about Cameraman Bob. He didn't listen to a word of what he just said until he heard 'stripper stage.' He looks at Bob pissed off.
You motherfucker, if you ruined my stripper stage....
Whoa! Hold the hostility, I cleaned up!
Whatever, bitch. Give me the fucking Tacos.
Fly snatches the bag of Tacos away from Bob. He turns to walk away but the girl with Camerman Bob quickly moves forward and whispers into Fly's ear.
I only married him so that I could meet you, big boy...
Fly quickly pulls back and looks at her in shock. A mischievous smile quickly comes onto her face. He turns to Kid and WSB.
Hey, I'm going to need to interview her for the club. You guys go have some fun. I'll meet up with you in...several...minutes...or hours....
Kid understands immediately what is going on and grabs the bag of Tacos from Fly, grabs Bob and WSB, and then heads to the kitchen. Fly and Bob's wife disappear upstairs for many sexual pleasures. Our camera moves into the kitchen where Kid Phantasm, Cameraman Bob, and WSB can be seen devouring mucho mas tacos. At this exact moment motherfucking Wayne Newton himself walks into the kitchen with the girl from the club under his arm.
Wayne Newton: Now these are the people I want to meet!
Kid finishes eating the taco in his hand and responds. Caring less that he's not more than ten feet away from Mr. Las Vegas himself, he responds with the only thing that is on his mind...
Tell me where Carrot Top is hiding and I promise I won't destroy you too.
Uh... Carrot Top? He's on the patio I believe... could I interest you in a cocktail?
Phantasm turns and quickly leaves the kitchen to head to the patio. He could give a fuck less about a cocktail.
Guess he's not much for parties. Hey, who made a Del Taco run? Excellent!
Let’s fast-forward this bitch about thirty minutes, shall we? Jonny Fly re-emerges in the kitchen. He spots out Cameraman Bob and walks over to him.
Bobby, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?
Uh...bad news, I guess?
The bad news is I had sex with your wife before you did.
WHAT THE FUCK, JONNY!?!
Wait! Hear me out. The good news is that she was actually a lesbian who was using you just to get closer to me.
Fly puts his hand on Bob's shoulder.
But that was a half-hour ago, Bob. She's a different woman now. She loves dick, now. You're welcome.
Fly smiles and turns back to the rest of the group in the scene. WSB is staring bullets through Fly after overhearing what he's just said. Wayne Newton isn't sure what the hell is going on and the bitch with him has a glazed look over her eyes as she stares at Fly. She's likely imagining the two of them doing naughty things in Wayne's bed too, but let's move on...WSB is pissed.
What the fuck!? You said you loved me! I wanted to be Mrs. World Champion!
Fly laughs out loud and shakes his head 'no.'
Get real. Everyone should realize by now I only use that to get laid. You wanna be Miss World Champ? You better enter a fuckin' pageant.
WSB looks as if she's about to cry. She marches out of the room. Wayne Newton walks over to Fly and shakes his hand.
(yelling) You've got the tits for it!
Jonny Fly, huh? I'm a big fan of professional wrestling. It's great to meet you.
You're a wrestling fan?
Why is that so hard to believe?
I don't know... you're just kind of...lame. That's all.
Wayne Newton starts shitting rainbows. He's obviously upset about what Fly has said to him, but let's face it, Wayne Newton? Who the fuck is writing this shit?
Well to be honest, I'm actually a Jay Price fan. It's a coincidence that you're here. I was just telling some of my friends out back that I think Price is going to win at XIII. Most of them agreed... even Teller, and he doesn't talk for shit.
Readers, pop a squat. Let’s talk. You see, Jonny Fly has been drinking for hours by now, and that statement just isn't acceptable at this point in the night. Fly lunges, grabs Newton by the back of the neck and forces him to walk forward. Fly leads Newton out of the kitchen and out to the back patio area. Out back there are dozens of people drinking, swimming in Wayne's pool, dancing to music, making out with hookers, that type of bullshit. Fly leads Newton toward the pool and throws his 70 year old ass into the pool. I know what you’re thinking; ‘Maybe he can’t swim and he’ll drown and we’ll never have to hear him sing again!’ Sorry, but unfortunately Wayne Newton will go on to survive this encounter. Anyway, the scene causes the entire party to stop what they are doing and focus on Jonny Fly.
Now that I have your attention...
Fly smiles. He notices a woman about two yards away from him with a drink in her hand. Fly snatches the drink, downs it, and throws the glass in the pool. It hits Wayne Newton in the head, obviously.
It's come to my attention that a lot of you profess to be some sort of wrestling experts. You all think Jay Price is going to win at XIII, right?
There's an uncomfortable feeling in the air. Fly is basically belligerent at this point, but still speaking clearly and forming big-boy thoughts. He begins to move around the patio from person to person, staring at them as he continues to speak.
Fly: What the hell do you all see in Jay Price?
Fly stops and stares a man who is nearly his height. The man says nothing and looks at the ground. Fly smiles and continues his trip around the patio.
I'll tell you what I've seen. I watched him come back from the fucking dead at One and attack Torture when his back was turned. Lame. I watched him declare war against Seth Lerch, which, for the record, went fucking nowhere. I watched as he was 'forced' to compete in the tag-team division as some form of punishment. Lamer. I watched him reform the Ladykillerz. Then I watched as Greenfever carried that team to the WCF Tag Team Championship.
Fly stops in front of another man and stares him down.
Do you think Jay Price can beat me?
I think it's possible, but...
Unless you can hear people talk while they are underwater, there is no way to know what that man was going to say. Fly has grabbed him by the throat and tossed him into the pool. He smiles as the man splashes around trying to get out of the water. He continues his rant.
That was the scope of his 'war' with Seth Lerch. Intense, right! I mean what the fuck was that? He must of finally woke up and realized nobody was paying any attention to his ass and decided that he would be better served trying to get pity points as a depressed and drunken loser. That's Jay Price! That's the whole synopsis of his body of work over the last three months. That's the man you think is going to take this company from me? Really?
Finally someone finds the sack to speak out against Fly... it's a young dude wearing a leather jacket. What a douche, right? He shall receive pink coloring.
I've met Jay Price. He's just a different animal in a Clockwork Orange match. I think that's all anyone is saying.
Fly shakes his head 'no' and approaches the man.
I thought we broke that cliché when he got beat by Zombie McMorris in the last one? Jay Price is just expecting to flip a switch and show up to Tokyo as a completely different wrestler than he's been the last three months. That's fucking stupid. Right now, this second, Price is going about his life as a drunken depressed mid-carder. I'm supposed to believe that just by putting him in a Clockwork Orange World Title match he's now going to be something else? I don't buy it, and even if it's true, I don't give a fuck. It’s not good enough to beat me. Do you understand?
The man shrugs his shoulders and Fly moves on.
I approach every single match the same way. I don't need to flip a switch. I don't need to turn back the clock. I'm NOT the one with something to prove at XIII. I didn't get into this match by making a bet with Corey Black. I'm in this match because every fucking week I go out and perform at a level superior to those around me, and for the last three months, that's included Jay Price. Wake up, motherfuckers, join me in reality. Even a win here means nothing for Price. I'll take the belt right back from him as soon as the opportunity is given. If he finds a way to do what nobody else has proven they can, beat me, it'll be a short lived celebration either way. He'll lose to Twilight two weeks later and go down as the worst World Champion in history.
There are some rumbling of disagreements in the crowd of people. Fly approaches a man who is whispering into his friend’s ear.
Hi. I’m Jonny Fly. Greatest wrestler in the world.
Fly sticks out his hand and the man shakes it. Fly drapes his around the man’s shoulders.
What do you think about all this? Am I wrong? Am I crazy?
The man speaks.
I mean no offense – but I think there is a legitimate question about who you’ve faced.
Oh no. Oh, god, no. I can smell murder in the air. Fly removes his arm from around the man’s shoulders and begins to circle him. He looks pissed, and speaks slowly and softly…
Who I’ve faced, huh? That’s the big question mark on me? Okay. Let’s try to figure this out as a group. Who have I really beaten? Let’s start with…EVERYONE!
Fly is now yelling directly into the face of the man.
EVERYONE! I have beaten…EVERYONE…who has been put in front of me over the last five fucking months. FIVE MONTHS! EVERYONE! I’m batting a fucking thousand! It’s impossible to do any better! Why is this so hard to understand? I’m the World Champion. The question isn’t who have I beaten, I’m above having to prove myself at this point, ESPECIALLY TO JAY PRICE OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE. The CORRECT question to ask at this point is who can beat ME? That’s the only question that is relevant. That’s the only thing that matters. I don’t need to beat a motherfucking soul anymore. I hold the top prize in the game. Everyone answers to ME.
The belligerent Jonny Fly grabs the man by the neck and tosses his ass into the pool as well. He turns back to the crowd.
LISTEN TO ME. ALL OF YOU. THIS IS MY MATCH! Jay Price can go fuck himself. He's simply a challenger, I'm the champ. That's all of the hype he deserves. This match is about me. This is my vengeance. Last time at XIII I found myself on the wrong fucking team with a 'team captain' who had mentally checked out. We got our asses run. I don't have to pick up anyone else's slack this time around. It's only Jay Price and Jonny Fly. Winner takes all….and I always win….
*CRACK!!*
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A loud sound is heard. Everyone on the patio looks over toward the left where the sound has come from. Fly quickly walks over and onto the grass where he’s able to notice a huge hole in the side of the house next door to Newton’s. He approaches, but a cloud of dust is blocking our vision and we're not quite sure what the fuck just happened. Newton’s party guests and Newton himself crowd around Fly trying to see what’s happening. Kid Phantasm emerges from the hole. He looks out at the crowd of people as he wipes himself off.
Good. You're all here to witness this! It comes with great pleasure that I announce that I have... killed Carrot Top. Our lives will be forever enriched!
The crowd gasps in horror as Fly laughs hysterically.
Way to go, Kid! You saw your goal, and you realized it. And now the world is a better place. Follow-through. You're already a greater wrestler than Jay Price will ever be.
Just then, some asshole comes out of the hole in what we can assume his is wall.
Hey, what the fuck did you do to my house? I'll sue you for every dime you have.
Fly points to Kid Phantasm, still covered in the blood of a hack prop comic.
You see that guy? He just killed a man for making one too many jokes about beer goggles. Don't even think what he'd do to your lawyer.
I'd disbar the fuck out of that guy. With my fist.
He'd do it, too. He's crazy. Look at him - crazy eyes.
Fly grabs the man by the head, turning it to the Kid. Kid does his best impression of his own girlfriend.
I'd just move and change my name if I were you. Seriously, that works. . How much was that shithole worth, anyway?
Three point eight million dollars, if you must know-
Fly: Here's a check for four. Wait...
Fly fishes in his pockets.
Here's like six grand to get the fuck out of here now. If I ever see you again I'll have this guy throw Yakov Smirnoff through your kitchen window while you're eating breakfast.
(terrible Russian accent) In Las Vegas, property damages you!
The guy runs inside in terror.
(laughing) Jonny, why'd you just buy that dude's house?
I bought it for you, you idiot. You're living in a fucking closet. That shit makes me look bad.
Kid seems a bit choked up.
Kid Phantasm: I... I don't know what to-
Wait, one more thing.
Fly turns back to the crowd.
Where the fuck is Wayne Newton at?
The crowd parts and Wayne Newton, clothes all soaked to shit, steps forward. Poor guy doesn’t look very happy.
Wayne! I have a proposition for you.
Go fuck yourself.
Wayne Newton turns around and begins to walk away. Fly yells after him.
Wayne! Are you still having all those money problems?
Of course Wayne Newton is still having money problems. He’s a fucking dumbass. Wayne curiously turns back to Fly and allows him to continue.
Like I said, I have a proposition for you. Kid has a busy schedule coming up. He’s going to Tokyo with me tomorrow, and then he’s got to fly to Reading over the weekend. In May he’ll be out winning the Trios Cup with me. That type of stuff. He could really use someone to clean his house. I’m willing to pay you handsomely for your time and consideration. I'll even add in a sweetner. The next time you get sued for not paying for all the fucking shit you buy, I'll loan you my dynamite legal skills free of charge!
Wayne Newton just stares at Fly. We can’t tell whether he’s ready to explode or if he’s actually considering the offer. He answers the question for us.
....how much are you offering?
$1,000 dollars a week.
Newton smiles excitedly.
I can buy a new guitar! Count me in!
Newton and Fly shake hands and Newton returns to his house. Fly turns back to Kid who is smiling from ear to ear.
Look at you, man - you just killed the worst thing to happen to comedy since Wayans Brothers movies. We need to drink more right now.
We do?
Trust me. I'm the Champ.
The next morning – nope, just kidding, the next afternoon, Nightmare arrives in a taxicab before a large Las Vegas mansion. She speaks into her cellphone to what sounds like our favorite talking computer, Iceberg-Six.
Eye-Six, are you sure this is where you're tracking Phantasm's phone?
The speaker on her smartphone speaks in a robotic monotone.
Correct. User 'Kid Phantasm' is within fifty yards of your current GPS location.
Wow. Certainly looks like something happened here last night... knew I never shoulda let him go off with Fly solo. That guy's a fucking tornado.
She walks up to the hole in the side of the house - a stray cat meows at her, then runs off into the bushes. She follows a trail of empty glass bottles, pausing to look at all of the empty spots on the walls... spots that appeared to have contained family photos or other nostalgia quite recently. Finally she reaches a great room, where she sees a number of people passed out on various pieces of furniture. In the center of the room, passed out on a pool table with Cameraman Bob's new wife on top of him, is WCF World Champion Jonny Fly. He dozes soundly as Nightmare scans the crowd - is that Penn Gillette I see? She asks herself. A mumbling sound from her feet causes her to look down and smile.
How was your evening, sweetheart?
No more shots, please. Please?
It's me, baby. I won't shoot you. I promise.
Kid stands up and brushes himself off. He has drool running off of his face a bit, and his eyes are bloodshot.
The guy's a beast. I'll need a couple years' training just to drink with him.
Where are we right now, anyway? Eye-Six tracked your phone and that's how I found you.
Oh... well, the next door neighbor's Wayne Newton.
The Wayne Newton? The 'What happens in Vegas' guy?
The same. This place? Apparently it's ours. Newton? He’s our maid!
What?!
Jonny Fly throws Cameraman Bob's wife off of him. He rises, singing proudly...
Fly: I AM THE CHAMPION, MY FRIENDS...
He did it.
Nightmare shakes her head in disbelief.
We're gonna need some furniture.
They both begin laughing... and then embrace. Fly looks at them awkwardly.
Are we in Tokyo yet?
Oh, shit, the cab's outside - come on, guys!
Tokyo, here we come!
Fly begins to follow out of the house.
Hey Kid, maybe we’ll get laid on the plane again.
WHAT??
Scene Ends
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