Post by Jonny Fly on Apr 12, 2012 21:01:15 GMT -5
Tokyo. The capital of Japan. The host city of XIII. There was once a time Jonny Fly performed under the moniker ‘The International Icon.’ He was a cross-cultural superstar with a fan base that stretched across the globe. As a twenty-year old Fly traveled from country to country to entertain and wow his loyal fans with spectacular displays of skill, precision, and determination. Those days are long gone. Today, the ever-so mercurial Fly cares little about anyone but himself. Still, he’s never competed in the largest metropolitan area in the world. One would think he’d embrace the opportunity. Right?
Somewhere next to the Tokyo Dome a large promotional banner has been hung featuring the images of Jay Price and Jonny Fly staring at each other with their fists rose. This is the match that is supposed to highlight Corey Black’s XIII. With the notable exception of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s annual January 4th show, this is the largest wrestling event ever featured in the Tokyo Dome. The finale of XIII, Price versus Fly, is a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match for the WCF World Heavyweight Championship. Who wouldn’t want to wrestle on this stage, in this match. Right?
Wrong.
Jonny Fly is fiercely stubborn and has consistently maintained that he wants no part of the show. He has little desire to face Jay Price. Fly even went out of his way to leverage WCF Owner Seth Lerch into giving him an opt-out clause in his contract that allows him to abstain from XIII if he so chooses. Regardless, Black booked Fly. Shortly afterward Black sent Fly a certified letter stating that the XIII card was publicized prior to Fly’s new contract and failure to appear will result in forfeiture of his World Title. So, he’s going to be there. Right?
Right.
Scene Begins
If this hasn't already been established, our scene starts with Jonny Fly and Kid Phantasm walking into a bar. The location is Las Vegas, Nevada, the name of the bar is the American Bar Association. This makes sense, because if you've been following the Seth Lerch saga, you know that Fly is a member. Anyways, we're on the strip, as any self-respecting man would be if they are in Las Vegas. Just days away from XIII, Fly is in Las Vegas because a straight flight from New York City to Tokyo would be hemoroidal. I’m hoping that’s a real word. Nevermind that, the fact is a pit stop in Vegas was the only reasonable solution.
So, Fly and Phantasm walk into the American Bar Association and immediately find two seats to sit down. Looking at the men from the back we notice that Kid Phantasm is wearing the newly released 'SPOILER ALERT: Fly wins at the end' T-shirt. Shirt is for sale at the WCF shop for the low price of $19.99! Okay, where were we? Nightmare is going to meet Fly and Kid in Vegas tomorrow for the flight to Tokyo. She's gone to Los Angeles for the night to visit her family; thus leaving her man with the unpredictable Jonny Fly in Sin City. Sometimes women don’t use a lot of common sense, ya dig? Our camera pans in so that we can get audio as the scene begins. Just milliseconds after he's in his seat Fly bellows out:
Jonny Fly: Two shots of tequila and your hottest bartender, please!
Phantasm raises his eyebrows and looks over at Fly, obviously not yet used to his arrogance. Regardless, a bartender, unfortunately for our mind's eye a male bartender, walks over.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
I don't really like to repeat myself, but I need two shots of tequila and your hottest bartender. Then I need her to lie on the counter while my friend and I do body shots off of her.
Understand people, this is Vegas. VEGAS. The bartender nods his head and replies 'coming right up.' Phantasm shakes his head in amazement.
Kid Phantasm: Wow, it's that easy? This is awesome! Why haven't I come here before?
Fly shoots Kid a look of 'of course it's that easy' and before he can follow up with words, possibly the world's sexiest bartender has returned with two tequila shots. This lovely bar fiend has long flowing blonde hair that hangs down over top of her red bikini top. She pushes her hair to the side to give Fly and Kid a view of her D cup tits. After taking a few long, long, long seconds to digest the image, we also notice the word 'thirsty?' written in white lettering across the bikini top. I was distracted, almost missed that. This little whore-for-tips gracefully hops onto the bar and lies down tilting her head toward Fly and Phantasm.
WSB: Do your worst, boys!
Without a moment of hesitation Fly lifts himself out of his seat, pours the shot onto her belly, and sucks it down. He makes sure to lick around the edges of her belly button in case he missed a few drops. Phantasm quickly follows suit, spilling just a little bit, purposely, onto her tits. The bartender hops backs down to the floor wiping off her cleavage.
Easy there, boy, that costs extra!
Fly replies without missing a beat.
How much more?
The female bartender smiles, winks, and walks back down to the end of the bar. Phantasm looks over at Fly.
Uh, yeah... so we definitely can't tell Nightmare about that. Or those autographs we gave on the plane...
Those IDs they showed us were so fake. There's no way that girl was legal!
...you know. Any of this, really.
Fly puts his hand out and pats Kid on the back.
You're partying with the champ in Vegas, Kid - enjoy yourself. If she gives you any shit I got your back.
Have you met my girlfriend, dude? That's not really going to cut it.
Fly ignores the statement and as exactly that point WSB (world's sexiest bartender) has returned and sets down two more tequila shots in front of Fly and Kid. She picks one up, sets it in between her tits, and leans over the bar. Fly flashes his arrogant smirk and stuffs his face into her tits, grabs the shot glass with his teeth, and downs the drink. WSB follows suit with the second shot glass, putting it between her tits and allowing Kid to down it. Kid smiles from one ear to the other.
Two more, boys?
I have a better idea. I like the scenery. How about you just stand her in front of us and when we finish a drink you go ahead and bring us another one?
Anything you want, sweetie. I got you covered.
WSB winks again before walking down the bar to get two more drinks. Kid turns to Fly.
I'm getting the vibe that being a great champion means binge drinking, right? Binge drinking and sluts?
Fly puts on his best 'what the fuck are you talking about?' face.
No, of course not! If that were true Jay Price would have won a World Title a long time ago!
Kid laughs at the statement, Fly continues.
I know you want to know what it takes to be a great champion. You want me to tell you that hard work and perseverance can get you to the top. You want me to tell you about all the struggles that I've gone through and how I've overcome them to get where I'm at, right?
Well, I'd kinda figured that was-
Wake the fuck up, Kid. This isn't a fairy-tale. This is what I tell Sarah Twilight when we're done fucking and she asks me how she can be a great wrestler like me; it's all about skill. If you're not supremely talented, you have no shot. This isn't a fuckin' movie where there's always a happy ending for the anti-villain. There are no heartwarming stories in my world. In the Era of Jonny Fly the underdogs always get their ass run out of the arena. I'm a great champion because I take pleasure in destroying my opponents. I truly don't give a fuck about anyone. I'm merciless and take pleasure in mentally and physically burying my opponents. I take pride in the fact that every wrestler I face walks away from that match hoping they never have to see me again. I feed off that. I crave it. That’s my drug.
Kid Phantasm nods his head a bit
...I see. What about Jay Price?
Let me tell you something about Jay Price...
At this exact moment WSB drops off two shots in front of Fly and Kid. They both grab the drink, down it immediately, and she heads off to get two more.
...Price is a fucking headcase. He has no chance at winning this match because it's in his head. He's had to listen to inferior wrestlers call him out for his lack of a World Title so much that it's become what has defined him. Random wrestlers, guys who also don't have World Titles, joke Price because he doesn't have one. He lets that bother him! The truth of this is that these guys look at Price; they know he's better than them, and the only thing they can use to get over on him is the lack of a World Title. The 'Jay Price can't win a World Title' tag line exists because there are a bunch of motherfuckers out there without the creativity to insult Jay Price properly.
WSB drops off two shots in front of Fly and Kid. Both are quickly drunk, and our favorite sexy little bartender takes off to get more.
Wow. So... just for my records, let's say... what would be the proper way to insult Jay Price?
It's it obvious? He's weak-minded! Weak-minded wrestlers don't win World Titles. If people did to me what they do to Price I would absolutely crush them.
Fly slams his empty glass on the table.
CRUSH THEM. Those motherfuckers would not wrestle another meaningful match in their entire careers. That's the type of statement I would make. Price, on the other hand, deals with the criticism by diverting his failures and trying to elevate his other accomplishments. Isn't is obvious that's what he's doing when he calls himself the greatest Television Champion ever, or the Ladykillerz as the best tag-team ever? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. He's only opening himself up for more ridicule. What he needs to do is puff out his little boy chest and say 'I'm Jay Price, and I'll beat all of you motherfuckers one by one until I get to the World Champion.' Then comes the hard part, actually carrying though...but that's the mark of a champion.
This time Fly is interrupted by WSB dropping of four shots. Fly smiles at her and downs both of his drinks. Kid drinks one of his, and decides to wait for the second. Fly asks for another drink and WSB obliges.
From what I've been told, Price was a really good wrestler once upon a time. He talks endlessly about his 2009 campaign. That's another sign of weakness. In this world there will never be a point in time where living in the past is acceptable. That's certainly not going to help him at XIII. Somewhere along the line someone without an ounce of intelligence decided that my rise in this company resembled Jay's from that 2009 year. I'm sure Jay loved that comparison, but it's fucking absurd. Jay Price topped out with a two month Television Title reign. He failed in his attempts at the World Title. He lost matches with regularity. When that little run was over, he became irrelevant. Then he 'died.' On the other hand, I joined this company and five months later I still haven't been beaten. I won the Television Title in a month, defended it every week for two months, and unlike Price, I never lost it. I skipped the fucking gimmick Hardcore Title that Price has to his name, and EARNED my World Title shot, won it, and won my first defense. Price has a career marred by underachieving; I have a career celebrated with dominance. I'm not sure we could be more different, but again, this is the type of ignorance you fight in this industry, Kid. You'll see it for yourself, eventually.
As WSB comes back again with drinks, Phantasm finishes his second shot from earlier. The bartender drops off three shots for Fly and one more for Kid. Fly downs all three one after another while Kid simply stares at his holding his stomach.
Jonny...I think I'm...drunk. How are you able to drink so much?
Fly laughs, orders two more drinks, and then...a look of horror comes across his face. The song 'Party in the USA' has begun to play in the bar and a middle-aged Asian man can be heard singing the lyrics out loud. This isn't going to be good. Fly slowly turns around in his seat as the man continues to sing.
"Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the my right and I see the Hollywood sign"
Using the only rational response there is to this situation, Fly begins to heckle the singer with racist jokes.
Liar! This is Vegas. Even with those narrow little eyes, there's no chance you saw the Hollywood sign!
Phantasm begins laughing alongside several other patrons in the bar. The Asian man gets visibly flustered, but continues singing anyway.
Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's looking at me now
Like "Who's that chick, that's rockin' kicks?
Now Kid Phantasm wants to get in on the action.
If you're a chick, then there go all my Asian fantasies!
The statement causes the singer to snap. He stops singing and yells out toward Kid in his best 'mad Asian' voice.
Hey buddy, fuck you!
Fly starts laughing at him and returns fire.
Since you brought up Los Angeles, do you know statistically what the number one advantage of an Asian man living in Los Angeles is?
I'm not playing your game, asshole!
I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The right answer is extra casting opportunities in war movies!
Kid hits Fly over the arm while laughing his ass off. Almost everyone at the bar is enjoying the banter at this point. Kid Phantasm chimes in once more.
Hey, man, is it true that if an Asian man runs into a wall with a full erection he'll break his nose?
The entire bar is now HOWLING hysterically. The Asian karaoke man throws the microphone down in anger and quickly walks out the front door.
That's what you get for Miley Cyrus, man!
Don't even think what we'd do to you for Lady Gaga!
Fly taps Kid on the arm and motions for him to stand up. Fly leads him over to the karaoke station. He whispers something into Kid's ear and then picks up the microphone from the ground. Kid begins to fiddle with the song-picking computer thing. After a couple of seconds the familiar instrumental beginning of 'We Are the Champions' begins to play. Fly flashes his arrogant smile and with the help of Kid Phantasm, begins a duet rendition of the Queen classic.
"I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've never done my sentence
Cause only Seth Lerch commits crime
And bad mistakes
Today I've made quite a few
Jay Price has sand in his vagina and face
But that you already knew
-
I AM THE CHAMPION, MY FRIENDS
And I'll keep on fighting till I'm in depends
HE IS THE CHAMPION...
I AM THE CHAMPION
No time for losers
Cause he is the champion....of the world!"[/i][/color]
The song is stopped and bar patrons beginning cheering for Fly and Kid. Suddenly, in a Tarantino-like twist, a familiar face is spotted in the crowd.
HOLY FUCK! It's Cameraman Bob!
Who is Cameraman Bob?
I'm pretty sure him and Jay Price have a...thing.
Kid gets a bewildered look on his face as Fly approaches Bob. Phantasm follows closely behind.
Bobby! What the hell are you doing here? You stalking me? Jay Price send you?
Bob shakes his head 'no.'
I'm just enjoying myself in Vegas! With XIII this week Seth decided to give me the week off.
You want to party with the champ?
Bob's eyes light up.
Fuck yeah!
Fly scans the room and locates WSB.
I need six more shots, sweetheart. Make them sexy!
WSB does her best obedient bartender impression and smiles before making her way to the drink-making station.
I don't know if I should drink anymore, Jonny...
Relax, Kid. These are for Bob. If wants to party with us, he's gotta catch up first.
Bob interrupts.
Hey Jonny, so you going to compete at XIII or what?
Yeah, I'll be there, guess. I got hit with a certified letter from Black stating the XIII card was publicized before my contract with the out-clause was finalized, so contractually I have to compete. It's either go over to Tokyo and destroy Jay Price...or murder Corey Black and have the show cancelled.
Fly says the last sentence without any hint of it being a joke.
So, I guess I'll be there.
Well, that's awesome. I'm looking forward to the match. Jay Price is going to be tough!
You kidding me, Bob? Your boy Price doesn't deserve this. He's not ready for me. He'll learn though. He'll learn why nobody else has been able to beat me. When the match is over, so is Jay Price. He'll never be able to rebound from this. Losing his trademark match, and failing again to capture the WCF World Title. He'll never be taken seriously again. This is what I live for - crushing people into insignificance. I'll say this about the Clockwork Orange House of Fun match; if Jay Price thinks weapons are the ticket to beating Jonny Fly, give the motherfucker weapons. Give him a two-pack of each one. It doesn't bother me one bit. Not only am I going to win this match, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get laid during it. You know how Twilight is; watching Jay Price bleed out on the canvas is the type of shit that gets that little witch going.
Wait, what? I know you were on a roll, there, and I'll admit I kinda tuned you out a little... I heard live sex. With Sarah Twilight?
She's playing hard to get in front of the cameras. That bitch is all over my nuts.
Cameramen Bob's face lights up like he's about to break the story of the year.
REALLY?
For reals? Wait, so you guys are...like...you know...
Take a look at this.
Fly pulls out his phone, clicks a few buttons and then hands the phone to Kid Phantasm who reads the text on the screen out loud.
Flowergram.com... Dear Mr. Fly, you have received a Flowergram! Click below to open your E-Card.
Phantasm clicks below.
Hey Love, I hope you enjoy these! I was just thinking about you and wanted to send you something special... I can't wait to see you again! If it's anything like last time, we may just have to skip Tokyo! -Your Celtic Princess, Sarah.
Kid hands back the phone.
You sly ol' dog. I can't believe you and her...
That's not even the best part, Kid. I sent those shitty flowers back and told her to get me something useful. Just yesterday I got a Candygram in the mail with a letter saying I can eat each piece off of her va.....
Shots are up boys!
WSB cuts off Fly and hands him two shots. Fly passes both shots to Cameraman Bob. Bob obediently takes both to the face and then Fly passes him two more. Bob downs both, Fly gives him the last two, and Bobby goes slurps them down.
WHOO! Six in a row, motherfuckers!
Now that you're caught up, let's hit the town.
Fly gets up from his seat and lays a $500 dollar bill down on the counter. WSB comes running over as she sees them leaving.
Hey you, you leaving me?
You could...leave with me...
WSB leans forward over the bar exposing her cleavage once again and whispers...
Tonight's an earlier night than usual. I get off at 1:00 AM. What are you boys going to be up to?
Fly smiles and reaches into his pocket and hands her a business card. He sets it onto the bar and where we're able to read it: Jonny Fly: World's Greatest Wrestler. He Doesn't Call You, You Call Him. 212-917-8742. With that Fly turns and with Kid Phantasm and Cameraman Bob in tow, exits the bar. The three men walk down the street for almost...90 seconds before Fly remarks:
I'm tired of walking. I think it's time to win some fuckin' money.
Uh, I don't really have any money.
Yeah, me neither. Lerch pays like shit.
Fly doesn't give a shit and is already moving toward the entrance of O'Sheas Casino. As soon as he walks inside he begins to fake a limp. Within seconds an attendant emerges riding a motorized wheelchair.
Good evening, sir. Welcome to O'Sheas. Would you like to use one of our complimentary motorized escorts?
Of course I would, don't you see me limping you fucking idiot?
Fly plops down in the wheelchair and 'floors' it. Phantasm and Cameraman Bob struggle to keep up behind him. Fly follows the sign for the High Roller tables, taking a left, and zooming past an assortment of slot machines, gimmick games, and some blackjack tables.....
LOOK AT ME, I'M AARON MILES!
Fly reaches the back corner of the room; the High Roller section. He gets off the wheelchair and is greeted by another casino attendant. Fly pulls out a one-dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the man.
Valet my ride for me, will ya?
Fly slaps him on the back and continues into the playing area. He takes a spot at a Texas Hold 'Em table next to three other people. Kid Phantasm takes the seat next to him while Bob lingers behind them.
What's the buy-in?
Dealer: $10,000, sir.
How much will this get me?
Fly reaches under his shirt and unhooks the WCF World Title from around his waist and sets it on the table.
What the fuck!? You've been wearing the belt?!?
What is that?
That's a World Title belt, motherfucker. Change it for $20,000 and we'll call it even.
Sir, I can't change a...belt.
Noticing the commotion some random floor manager/wannabe badass comes over and picks up the World Title belt. He inspects it closely and then whispers into his dealer's ear.
Okay. Changing $20,000. You got it!
Kid Phantasm looks on in shock at what is going on.
Dude, you can't bet the belt! What are you going to do if you lose it?
What are you talking about? I'm Jonny Fly! I don't lose!
Fly is given $20,000 in chips and splits them with Kid. The hand begins with Fly being dealt a 2 of Hearts and a 7 of Spades. Fly is neither the big nor small blind, so he turns around to Bob and asks for his advice on what to do as bets are made around the table.
I'd fold, Jonny.
Fly nods his head and turns back to the table.
I guess I'll...GO ALL IN!
It's impossible to know for sure, but at this point in the scene it's extremely likely that Cameraman Bob has just shit his pants. Anyways, Kid Phantasm can hardly contain himself. He wants to scream out 'NOO!!' but he can't because he has pocket Aces, and he might be the only hope of getting the WCF World Title back. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly sits in his chair calm and collected as the rest of the table, one-by-one, decide to match his bid. Just like that there is $50,000 in the pot and each player is flipping over their cards. The man sitting next to Fly has a pair of Jacks, the man next to him has a Queen and King of Clubs, and the women next to him has an Ace of Spades and a 10 of Hearts. The dealer reveals the flop; a 3 of Clubs, a 6 of Diamonds, and an 8 of Spades. Fly smiles and awaits the turn card. The turn is revealed as a 4 of Clubs. Fly's smile widens as the river card is unmasked.
Straight! Give me my money motherfuckers!
Using terrible casino etiquette, Fly reaches onto the table and hungry-hungry hippos all the chips from the center of the table to him. With disgust, the three other players leave the table. Fly turns around and looks at Cameraman Bob.
That's why you're a fucking loser, Bob.
Kid is just shaking his head; he can't believe what just happened.
Do you know what the odds of that happening were?
Fly turns back to Phantasm.
Something like... 873 to 1. Guestimate.
Fly just smiles at Kid and then gets up from his seat. He takes $20,000 in chips and slides them toward the dealer grabbing back his WCF World Title Belt. He collects the other $30,000 in chips and leaves the table.
That's how a champ gambles. Take notes, guys. Now that I have $30,000 to burn... what should we do?
HOOKERS AND BLOW!
Bob's outburst takes Fly and Kid aback. They look at him for a few seconds. You can tell from Fly's face he feels it’s about time ditch 'ole Bobby. He grabs Bob on the shoulder and with his other hand reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $100 bill.
Bob, I have a mission for you. It's extremely important.
Bob looks excited. He looks pumped. He awaits his mission. Fly hands Cameraman Bob the $100 bill.
I wouldn't trust this with just anyone. I know I can count on you. I want you to go find a Del Taco and use this to get me as many tacos as you can. Then, the second part of your mission is to find me, and bring them to me.
AWESOME! Just give me your phone number and I'll bring them...
Fly interrupts.
BOB! I'm sorry, but I don't have a phone. It got soaked in Twilight's vagina juice yesterday and all the internal components got fried. That's why this is such an important mission. You're going to have to try to find us on your own.
But you had a phone at the bar...
BOB! You're imagining things. Go get me my fucking Tacos!
Alright, Jonny, you got it!
Cameraman Bob runs away and Fly cashes his chips out, takes his money, and makes his way out of the casino. The two are walking down the strip once again.
I take it you don't want him to find us?
Fuck Bob.
But...tacos...
That dude had to go. Let's go hit up a strip club.
Kid stops dead in his track.
Awww come on Jonny - I can't.... I got a girlfriend, man, and she's... she's awesome. And really scary. And I don't want her to stab me. Please don't make me go to the naked place. Please?
Alright, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to repeat myself, which I hate doing, and then you're going to respond 'Hell yeah, I'm a man, bring on the titties!' Ready? Hey Kid, let's go hit up a strip club!
Kid looks at Fly with a 'why are you twisting my arm' type of face. Finally he states with enthusiasm:
Hell yeah! I'm a man, bring on the titties!
Fly smiles and nods his head. They keep walking down the strip until they come to some random ass strip club. Fly and Kid walk inside and sit down at a small table next to the stage. A waitress immediately walks over to them.
Would you gentleman like a drink?
Oh, hello there, can I have 10 shots of your best tequila please.
The waitress nods her head and disappears. Kid Phantasm just stares at Fly blankly, not ready to drink that much more. The two men begin watching the girls and before long their drinks have arrived. The waitress splits up the ten shots, putting five in front of Fly and five in front of Kid Phantasm. Fly immediately downs three of them and Kid just looks at him in an astonished manner.
How are you not drunk by now?
World Champions don't get drunk.
Kid nods his head and responds by downing two of his drinks. Both men return their attention back to the stage where a female dancer is performing. Fly decides to be, well, Jonny Fly, and make a scene.
Hey, bitch, come down here and put those titties in my friends face!
The dancer shoots Fly a 'fuck you' type of look as Kid cracks up next to him.
Aww, come on, don't be like that. It's unbecoming for someone as unattractive as you.
Unfortunately for this dancer, Kid Phantasm's large consumption of alcohol has him feeling good enough to join in on the fun.
Damn, I thought in Vegas the strippers would be better looking than in Reading, Pennsylvania!
Fly starts laughing. Kid pulls out a hundred dollar and waves it in the air.
Instead of wasting my money on this bitch I'll give $100 dollars to anyone who gets her off the stage before my eyes start bleeding.....
At this exact moment a HUGE man approaches the table and snatches the hundred dollar bill out of Kid's hand. He walks over to the stage and tosses the hundred dollar bill onstage for the stripper. Phantasm springs out of his seat and gets in the man's face.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Go get my money back!
I’m the head of security. Do me a favor; sit down, shut up, and stop harassing my girls.
Kid Phantasm never swears. This takes Fly by surprise. As Kid confronts the bouncer Fly pulls out his cell phone and quickly makes a call, disappearing from the scene.
I don't give a shit who you are! You owe me a hundred bucks!
You’re going to get hurt, buddy. Sit down.
Look, let me tell you something...
BOOM! Kid strikes with a huge right hand to the side of the bouncer's face, who falls to the ground immediately. Kid jumps on top of him and punches him for approximately, I don't know, thirty seconds? Jonny Fly returns to the scene and quickly pulls Phantasm to his feet. The entire club is just watching this scene take place, bitches aren't dancing, and music isn't playing. What a shame. Everything has come to a stop. Fly holds up his phone and yells out for everyone to hear.
I have good news for everyone. You are now looking at the new owner of this club! I just purchased it moments ago. We are closed, effective immediately, for renovations and re-staffing. Now…everyone… GET THE FUCK OUT!
The club patrons begin to move toward the exit. The bouncer gets up from the ground holding his head and not quite sure what's going on. Fly walks over to the bouncer and drapes his arm around his shoulder. He begins walking with him toward the doorway.
Look, I know you were just doing your job. I hope there are no hard feelings but you’re fired. Get the fuck out of my club. Expect to be contacted by the police. We'll be pressing charges against you for stealing money from friend.
Fly has reached the front door. He opens it and pushes the bouncer outside and locks the door behind him. The club has been completely cleared with the exception of the strippers who have gone to the back. Fly motions for Kid to follow him and the two men head back there. Our scene switches and picks up in the strippers dressing area. Fly and Kid are sitting in two chairs staring across the room where the strippers are lined up single-file. What you are about to watch unfold are your not-so-standard employment interviews. Phantasm yells out a name.
Bambi Star...please step forward.
A smallish women wearing only a thong and pasties steps forward. Fly and Kid inspect her closely before beginning their questions.
Bambi, what is your cup size?
I'm a 36D.
Are you willing to go bigger to continue your employment here at 'Jonny Fly's International House of Skanks?'
Um, I mean I'm not sure I can afford...
Fly interrupts.
Bambi, excuse my interruption, but was your mom shot by a hunter?
No, I mean I don't - think so. No?
Fly shakes his head and makes a mark on a clipboard that he is holding.
That's disappointing. Next question - How do you feel about having sex with your employer?
Oh, I'm all for that!
She's hired! Or, retained, whatever.
Fly makes a note on his clipboard and motions for Kid to call the next girl.
Okay, next we have - let's see here - Candi Kiss. Please step forward.
Candi Kiss, extremely attractive redheaded women wearing a naughty schoolgirl outfit steps forward. Fly immediately begins shaking his head.
Nope. Fired. Sorry, bitch.
Phantasm looks over at Fly and pleads her case.
Come on Jonny, why do you hate redheads so much?
It's not that I hate them; I'm just looking out for us. We don't want our girls, Sarah and Nightmare, to be jealous of another redhead, do we?
Ah. Good point. Sorry, Candi, please grabs your things and leave. You are no longer employed at ‘Jonny Fly’s International House of Skanks.’
A visibly upset Candi Kiss turns and storms out of the room. Fly and Kid stare at her ass as she leaves before turning their attention back to the other strippers.
Alright, next on-deck is Sugar Licious
Sugar steps forward. This girl is legit. She's a tanned brunette with amazing features.
Cup size?
Double D, but I'll go up if you want me to.
Excellent answer. Tell us, what made you want to be a stripper?
I love the company of men. I'm an exhibitionist by nature, so I enjoy being naked. Honestly, I'm really hoping to use this to jump start a career in porn.
Perfect. What about talents, what are your talents?
Um, I'm fucking Wayne Newton without his wife knowing about it, I consider that a talent.
The words 'Wayne Newton' cause Fly and Kid to stare at each other. Kid nods. Fly nods.
He's having a party after his show tonight if you guys want to be my guest?
Fly and Kid smile. This night isn't over yet.
To Be Continued
Somewhere next to the Tokyo Dome a large promotional banner has been hung featuring the images of Jay Price and Jonny Fly staring at each other with their fists rose. This is the match that is supposed to highlight Corey Black’s XIII. With the notable exception of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s annual January 4th show, this is the largest wrestling event ever featured in the Tokyo Dome. The finale of XIII, Price versus Fly, is a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match for the WCF World Heavyweight Championship. Who wouldn’t want to wrestle on this stage, in this match. Right?
Wrong.
Jonny Fly is fiercely stubborn and has consistently maintained that he wants no part of the show. He has little desire to face Jay Price. Fly even went out of his way to leverage WCF Owner Seth Lerch into giving him an opt-out clause in his contract that allows him to abstain from XIII if he so chooses. Regardless, Black booked Fly. Shortly afterward Black sent Fly a certified letter stating that the XIII card was publicized prior to Fly’s new contract and failure to appear will result in forfeiture of his World Title. So, he’s going to be there. Right?
Right.
Scene Begins
If this hasn't already been established, our scene starts with Jonny Fly and Kid Phantasm walking into a bar. The location is Las Vegas, Nevada, the name of the bar is the American Bar Association. This makes sense, because if you've been following the Seth Lerch saga, you know that Fly is a member. Anyways, we're on the strip, as any self-respecting man would be if they are in Las Vegas. Just days away from XIII, Fly is in Las Vegas because a straight flight from New York City to Tokyo would be hemoroidal. I’m hoping that’s a real word. Nevermind that, the fact is a pit stop in Vegas was the only reasonable solution.
So, Fly and Phantasm walk into the American Bar Association and immediately find two seats to sit down. Looking at the men from the back we notice that Kid Phantasm is wearing the newly released 'SPOILER ALERT: Fly wins at the end' T-shirt. Shirt is for sale at the WCF shop for the low price of $19.99! Okay, where were we? Nightmare is going to meet Fly and Kid in Vegas tomorrow for the flight to Tokyo. She's gone to Los Angeles for the night to visit her family; thus leaving her man with the unpredictable Jonny Fly in Sin City. Sometimes women don’t use a lot of common sense, ya dig? Our camera pans in so that we can get audio as the scene begins. Just milliseconds after he's in his seat Fly bellows out:
Jonny Fly: Two shots of tequila and your hottest bartender, please!
Phantasm raises his eyebrows and looks over at Fly, obviously not yet used to his arrogance. Regardless, a bartender, unfortunately for our mind's eye a male bartender, walks over.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
I don't really like to repeat myself, but I need two shots of tequila and your hottest bartender. Then I need her to lie on the counter while my friend and I do body shots off of her.
Understand people, this is Vegas. VEGAS. The bartender nods his head and replies 'coming right up.' Phantasm shakes his head in amazement.
Kid Phantasm: Wow, it's that easy? This is awesome! Why haven't I come here before?
Fly shoots Kid a look of 'of course it's that easy' and before he can follow up with words, possibly the world's sexiest bartender has returned with two tequila shots. This lovely bar fiend has long flowing blonde hair that hangs down over top of her red bikini top. She pushes her hair to the side to give Fly and Kid a view of her D cup tits. After taking a few long, long, long seconds to digest the image, we also notice the word 'thirsty?' written in white lettering across the bikini top. I was distracted, almost missed that. This little whore-for-tips gracefully hops onto the bar and lies down tilting her head toward Fly and Phantasm.
WSB: Do your worst, boys!
Without a moment of hesitation Fly lifts himself out of his seat, pours the shot onto her belly, and sucks it down. He makes sure to lick around the edges of her belly button in case he missed a few drops. Phantasm quickly follows suit, spilling just a little bit, purposely, onto her tits. The bartender hops backs down to the floor wiping off her cleavage.
Easy there, boy, that costs extra!
Fly replies without missing a beat.
How much more?
The female bartender smiles, winks, and walks back down to the end of the bar. Phantasm looks over at Fly.
Uh, yeah... so we definitely can't tell Nightmare about that. Or those autographs we gave on the plane...
Those IDs they showed us were so fake. There's no way that girl was legal!
...you know. Any of this, really.
Fly puts his hand out and pats Kid on the back.
You're partying with the champ in Vegas, Kid - enjoy yourself. If she gives you any shit I got your back.
Have you met my girlfriend, dude? That's not really going to cut it.
Fly ignores the statement and as exactly that point WSB (world's sexiest bartender) has returned and sets down two more tequila shots in front of Fly and Kid. She picks one up, sets it in between her tits, and leans over the bar. Fly flashes his arrogant smirk and stuffs his face into her tits, grabs the shot glass with his teeth, and downs the drink. WSB follows suit with the second shot glass, putting it between her tits and allowing Kid to down it. Kid smiles from one ear to the other.
Two more, boys?
I have a better idea. I like the scenery. How about you just stand her in front of us and when we finish a drink you go ahead and bring us another one?
Anything you want, sweetie. I got you covered.
WSB winks again before walking down the bar to get two more drinks. Kid turns to Fly.
I'm getting the vibe that being a great champion means binge drinking, right? Binge drinking and sluts?
Fly puts on his best 'what the fuck are you talking about?' face.
No, of course not! If that were true Jay Price would have won a World Title a long time ago!
Kid laughs at the statement, Fly continues.
I know you want to know what it takes to be a great champion. You want me to tell you that hard work and perseverance can get you to the top. You want me to tell you about all the struggles that I've gone through and how I've overcome them to get where I'm at, right?
Well, I'd kinda figured that was-
Wake the fuck up, Kid. This isn't a fairy-tale. This is what I tell Sarah Twilight when we're done fucking and she asks me how she can be a great wrestler like me; it's all about skill. If you're not supremely talented, you have no shot. This isn't a fuckin' movie where there's always a happy ending for the anti-villain. There are no heartwarming stories in my world. In the Era of Jonny Fly the underdogs always get their ass run out of the arena. I'm a great champion because I take pleasure in destroying my opponents. I truly don't give a fuck about anyone. I'm merciless and take pleasure in mentally and physically burying my opponents. I take pride in the fact that every wrestler I face walks away from that match hoping they never have to see me again. I feed off that. I crave it. That’s my drug.
Kid Phantasm nods his head a bit
...I see. What about Jay Price?
Let me tell you something about Jay Price...
At this exact moment WSB drops off two shots in front of Fly and Kid. They both grab the drink, down it immediately, and she heads off to get two more.
...Price is a fucking headcase. He has no chance at winning this match because it's in his head. He's had to listen to inferior wrestlers call him out for his lack of a World Title so much that it's become what has defined him. Random wrestlers, guys who also don't have World Titles, joke Price because he doesn't have one. He lets that bother him! The truth of this is that these guys look at Price; they know he's better than them, and the only thing they can use to get over on him is the lack of a World Title. The 'Jay Price can't win a World Title' tag line exists because there are a bunch of motherfuckers out there without the creativity to insult Jay Price properly.
WSB drops off two shots in front of Fly and Kid. Both are quickly drunk, and our favorite sexy little bartender takes off to get more.
Wow. So... just for my records, let's say... what would be the proper way to insult Jay Price?
It's it obvious? He's weak-minded! Weak-minded wrestlers don't win World Titles. If people did to me what they do to Price I would absolutely crush them.
Fly slams his empty glass on the table.
CRUSH THEM. Those motherfuckers would not wrestle another meaningful match in their entire careers. That's the type of statement I would make. Price, on the other hand, deals with the criticism by diverting his failures and trying to elevate his other accomplishments. Isn't is obvious that's what he's doing when he calls himself the greatest Television Champion ever, or the Ladykillerz as the best tag-team ever? NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. He's only opening himself up for more ridicule. What he needs to do is puff out his little boy chest and say 'I'm Jay Price, and I'll beat all of you motherfuckers one by one until I get to the World Champion.' Then comes the hard part, actually carrying though...but that's the mark of a champion.
This time Fly is interrupted by WSB dropping of four shots. Fly smiles at her and downs both of his drinks. Kid drinks one of his, and decides to wait for the second. Fly asks for another drink and WSB obliges.
From what I've been told, Price was a really good wrestler once upon a time. He talks endlessly about his 2009 campaign. That's another sign of weakness. In this world there will never be a point in time where living in the past is acceptable. That's certainly not going to help him at XIII. Somewhere along the line someone without an ounce of intelligence decided that my rise in this company resembled Jay's from that 2009 year. I'm sure Jay loved that comparison, but it's fucking absurd. Jay Price topped out with a two month Television Title reign. He failed in his attempts at the World Title. He lost matches with regularity. When that little run was over, he became irrelevant. Then he 'died.' On the other hand, I joined this company and five months later I still haven't been beaten. I won the Television Title in a month, defended it every week for two months, and unlike Price, I never lost it. I skipped the fucking gimmick Hardcore Title that Price has to his name, and EARNED my World Title shot, won it, and won my first defense. Price has a career marred by underachieving; I have a career celebrated with dominance. I'm not sure we could be more different, but again, this is the type of ignorance you fight in this industry, Kid. You'll see it for yourself, eventually.
As WSB comes back again with drinks, Phantasm finishes his second shot from earlier. The bartender drops off three shots for Fly and one more for Kid. Fly downs all three one after another while Kid simply stares at his holding his stomach.
Jonny...I think I'm...drunk. How are you able to drink so much?
Fly laughs, orders two more drinks, and then...a look of horror comes across his face. The song 'Party in the USA' has begun to play in the bar and a middle-aged Asian man can be heard singing the lyrics out loud. This isn't going to be good. Fly slowly turns around in his seat as the man continues to sing.
"Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the my right and I see the Hollywood sign"
Using the only rational response there is to this situation, Fly begins to heckle the singer with racist jokes.
Liar! This is Vegas. Even with those narrow little eyes, there's no chance you saw the Hollywood sign!
Phantasm begins laughing alongside several other patrons in the bar. The Asian man gets visibly flustered, but continues singing anyway.
Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's looking at me now
Like "Who's that chick, that's rockin' kicks?
Now Kid Phantasm wants to get in on the action.
If you're a chick, then there go all my Asian fantasies!
The statement causes the singer to snap. He stops singing and yells out toward Kid in his best 'mad Asian' voice.
Hey buddy, fuck you!
Fly starts laughing at him and returns fire.
Since you brought up Los Angeles, do you know statistically what the number one advantage of an Asian man living in Los Angeles is?
I'm not playing your game, asshole!
I'm sorry, that's incorrect. The right answer is extra casting opportunities in war movies!
Kid hits Fly over the arm while laughing his ass off. Almost everyone at the bar is enjoying the banter at this point. Kid Phantasm chimes in once more.
Hey, man, is it true that if an Asian man runs into a wall with a full erection he'll break his nose?
The entire bar is now HOWLING hysterically. The Asian karaoke man throws the microphone down in anger and quickly walks out the front door.
That's what you get for Miley Cyrus, man!
Don't even think what we'd do to you for Lady Gaga!
Fly taps Kid on the arm and motions for him to stand up. Fly leads him over to the karaoke station. He whispers something into Kid's ear and then picks up the microphone from the ground. Kid begins to fiddle with the song-picking computer thing. After a couple of seconds the familiar instrumental beginning of 'We Are the Champions' begins to play. Fly flashes his arrogant smile and with the help of Kid Phantasm, begins a duet rendition of the Queen classic.
"I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've never done my sentence
Cause only Seth Lerch commits crime
And bad mistakes
Today I've made quite a few
Jay Price has sand in his vagina and face
But that you already knew
-
I AM THE CHAMPION, MY FRIENDS
And I'll keep on fighting till I'm in depends
HE IS THE CHAMPION...
I AM THE CHAMPION
No time for losers
Cause he is the champion....of the world!"[/i][/color]
The song is stopped and bar patrons beginning cheering for Fly and Kid. Suddenly, in a Tarantino-like twist, a familiar face is spotted in the crowd.
HOLY FUCK! It's Cameraman Bob!
Who is Cameraman Bob?
I'm pretty sure him and Jay Price have a...thing.
Kid gets a bewildered look on his face as Fly approaches Bob. Phantasm follows closely behind.
Bobby! What the hell are you doing here? You stalking me? Jay Price send you?
Bob shakes his head 'no.'
I'm just enjoying myself in Vegas! With XIII this week Seth decided to give me the week off.
You want to party with the champ?
Bob's eyes light up.
Fuck yeah!
Fly scans the room and locates WSB.
I need six more shots, sweetheart. Make them sexy!
WSB does her best obedient bartender impression and smiles before making her way to the drink-making station.
I don't know if I should drink anymore, Jonny...
Relax, Kid. These are for Bob. If wants to party with us, he's gotta catch up first.
Bob interrupts.
Hey Jonny, so you going to compete at XIII or what?
Yeah, I'll be there, guess. I got hit with a certified letter from Black stating the XIII card was publicized before my contract with the out-clause was finalized, so contractually I have to compete. It's either go over to Tokyo and destroy Jay Price...or murder Corey Black and have the show cancelled.
Fly says the last sentence without any hint of it being a joke.
So, I guess I'll be there.
Well, that's awesome. I'm looking forward to the match. Jay Price is going to be tough!
You kidding me, Bob? Your boy Price doesn't deserve this. He's not ready for me. He'll learn though. He'll learn why nobody else has been able to beat me. When the match is over, so is Jay Price. He'll never be able to rebound from this. Losing his trademark match, and failing again to capture the WCF World Title. He'll never be taken seriously again. This is what I live for - crushing people into insignificance. I'll say this about the Clockwork Orange House of Fun match; if Jay Price thinks weapons are the ticket to beating Jonny Fly, give the motherfucker weapons. Give him a two-pack of each one. It doesn't bother me one bit. Not only am I going to win this match, I'm pretty sure I'm going to get laid during it. You know how Twilight is; watching Jay Price bleed out on the canvas is the type of shit that gets that little witch going.
Wait, what? I know you were on a roll, there, and I'll admit I kinda tuned you out a little... I heard live sex. With Sarah Twilight?
She's playing hard to get in front of the cameras. That bitch is all over my nuts.
Cameramen Bob's face lights up like he's about to break the story of the year.
REALLY?
For reals? Wait, so you guys are...like...you know...
Take a look at this.
Fly pulls out his phone, clicks a few buttons and then hands the phone to Kid Phantasm who reads the text on the screen out loud.
Flowergram.com... Dear Mr. Fly, you have received a Flowergram! Click below to open your E-Card.
Phantasm clicks below.
Hey Love, I hope you enjoy these! I was just thinking about you and wanted to send you something special... I can't wait to see you again! If it's anything like last time, we may just have to skip Tokyo! -Your Celtic Princess, Sarah.
Kid hands back the phone.
You sly ol' dog. I can't believe you and her...
That's not even the best part, Kid. I sent those shitty flowers back and told her to get me something useful. Just yesterday I got a Candygram in the mail with a letter saying I can eat each piece off of her va.....
Shots are up boys!
WSB cuts off Fly and hands him two shots. Fly passes both shots to Cameraman Bob. Bob obediently takes both to the face and then Fly passes him two more. Bob downs both, Fly gives him the last two, and Bobby goes slurps them down.
WHOO! Six in a row, motherfuckers!
Now that you're caught up, let's hit the town.
Fly gets up from his seat and lays a $500 dollar bill down on the counter. WSB comes running over as she sees them leaving.
Hey you, you leaving me?
You could...leave with me...
WSB leans forward over the bar exposing her cleavage once again and whispers...
Tonight's an earlier night than usual. I get off at 1:00 AM. What are you boys going to be up to?
Fly smiles and reaches into his pocket and hands her a business card. He sets it onto the bar and where we're able to read it: Jonny Fly: World's Greatest Wrestler. He Doesn't Call You, You Call Him. 212-917-8742. With that Fly turns and with Kid Phantasm and Cameraman Bob in tow, exits the bar. The three men walk down the street for almost...90 seconds before Fly remarks:
I'm tired of walking. I think it's time to win some fuckin' money.
Uh, I don't really have any money.
Yeah, me neither. Lerch pays like shit.
Fly doesn't give a shit and is already moving toward the entrance of O'Sheas Casino. As soon as he walks inside he begins to fake a limp. Within seconds an attendant emerges riding a motorized wheelchair.
Good evening, sir. Welcome to O'Sheas. Would you like to use one of our complimentary motorized escorts?
Of course I would, don't you see me limping you fucking idiot?
Fly plops down in the wheelchair and 'floors' it. Phantasm and Cameraman Bob struggle to keep up behind him. Fly follows the sign for the High Roller tables, taking a left, and zooming past an assortment of slot machines, gimmick games, and some blackjack tables.....
LOOK AT ME, I'M AARON MILES!
Fly reaches the back corner of the room; the High Roller section. He gets off the wheelchair and is greeted by another casino attendant. Fly pulls out a one-dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the man.
Valet my ride for me, will ya?
Fly slaps him on the back and continues into the playing area. He takes a spot at a Texas Hold 'Em table next to three other people. Kid Phantasm takes the seat next to him while Bob lingers behind them.
What's the buy-in?
Dealer: $10,000, sir.
How much will this get me?
Fly reaches under his shirt and unhooks the WCF World Title from around his waist and sets it on the table.
What the fuck!? You've been wearing the belt?!?
What is that?
That's a World Title belt, motherfucker. Change it for $20,000 and we'll call it even.
Sir, I can't change a...belt.
Noticing the commotion some random floor manager/wannabe badass comes over and picks up the World Title belt. He inspects it closely and then whispers into his dealer's ear.
Okay. Changing $20,000. You got it!
Kid Phantasm looks on in shock at what is going on.
Dude, you can't bet the belt! What are you going to do if you lose it?
What are you talking about? I'm Jonny Fly! I don't lose!
Fly is given $20,000 in chips and splits them with Kid. The hand begins with Fly being dealt a 2 of Hearts and a 7 of Spades. Fly is neither the big nor small blind, so he turns around to Bob and asks for his advice on what to do as bets are made around the table.
I'd fold, Jonny.
Fly nods his head and turns back to the table.
I guess I'll...GO ALL IN!
It's impossible to know for sure, but at this point in the scene it's extremely likely that Cameraman Bob has just shit his pants. Anyways, Kid Phantasm can hardly contain himself. He wants to scream out 'NOO!!' but he can't because he has pocket Aces, and he might be the only hope of getting the WCF World Title back. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly sits in his chair calm and collected as the rest of the table, one-by-one, decide to match his bid. Just like that there is $50,000 in the pot and each player is flipping over their cards. The man sitting next to Fly has a pair of Jacks, the man next to him has a Queen and King of Clubs, and the women next to him has an Ace of Spades and a 10 of Hearts. The dealer reveals the flop; a 3 of Clubs, a 6 of Diamonds, and an 8 of Spades. Fly smiles and awaits the turn card. The turn is revealed as a 4 of Clubs. Fly's smile widens as the river card is unmasked.
Straight! Give me my money motherfuckers!
Using terrible casino etiquette, Fly reaches onto the table and hungry-hungry hippos all the chips from the center of the table to him. With disgust, the three other players leave the table. Fly turns around and looks at Cameraman Bob.
That's why you're a fucking loser, Bob.
Kid is just shaking his head; he can't believe what just happened.
Do you know what the odds of that happening were?
Fly turns back to Phantasm.
Something like... 873 to 1. Guestimate.
Fly just smiles at Kid and then gets up from his seat. He takes $20,000 in chips and slides them toward the dealer grabbing back his WCF World Title Belt. He collects the other $30,000 in chips and leaves the table.
That's how a champ gambles. Take notes, guys. Now that I have $30,000 to burn... what should we do?
HOOKERS AND BLOW!
Bob's outburst takes Fly and Kid aback. They look at him for a few seconds. You can tell from Fly's face he feels it’s about time ditch 'ole Bobby. He grabs Bob on the shoulder and with his other hand reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $100 bill.
Bob, I have a mission for you. It's extremely important.
Bob looks excited. He looks pumped. He awaits his mission. Fly hands Cameraman Bob the $100 bill.
I wouldn't trust this with just anyone. I know I can count on you. I want you to go find a Del Taco and use this to get me as many tacos as you can. Then, the second part of your mission is to find me, and bring them to me.
AWESOME! Just give me your phone number and I'll bring them...
Fly interrupts.
BOB! I'm sorry, but I don't have a phone. It got soaked in Twilight's vagina juice yesterday and all the internal components got fried. That's why this is such an important mission. You're going to have to try to find us on your own.
But you had a phone at the bar...
BOB! You're imagining things. Go get me my fucking Tacos!
Alright, Jonny, you got it!
Cameraman Bob runs away and Fly cashes his chips out, takes his money, and makes his way out of the casino. The two are walking down the strip once again.
I take it you don't want him to find us?
Fuck Bob.
But...tacos...
That dude had to go. Let's go hit up a strip club.
Kid stops dead in his track.
Awww come on Jonny - I can't.... I got a girlfriend, man, and she's... she's awesome. And really scary. And I don't want her to stab me. Please don't make me go to the naked place. Please?
Alright, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to repeat myself, which I hate doing, and then you're going to respond 'Hell yeah, I'm a man, bring on the titties!' Ready? Hey Kid, let's go hit up a strip club!
Kid looks at Fly with a 'why are you twisting my arm' type of face. Finally he states with enthusiasm:
Hell yeah! I'm a man, bring on the titties!
Fly smiles and nods his head. They keep walking down the strip until they come to some random ass strip club. Fly and Kid walk inside and sit down at a small table next to the stage. A waitress immediately walks over to them.
Would you gentleman like a drink?
Oh, hello there, can I have 10 shots of your best tequila please.
The waitress nods her head and disappears. Kid Phantasm just stares at Fly blankly, not ready to drink that much more. The two men begin watching the girls and before long their drinks have arrived. The waitress splits up the ten shots, putting five in front of Fly and five in front of Kid Phantasm. Fly immediately downs three of them and Kid just looks at him in an astonished manner.
How are you not drunk by now?
World Champions don't get drunk.
Kid nods his head and responds by downing two of his drinks. Both men return their attention back to the stage where a female dancer is performing. Fly decides to be, well, Jonny Fly, and make a scene.
Hey, bitch, come down here and put those titties in my friends face!
The dancer shoots Fly a 'fuck you' type of look as Kid cracks up next to him.
Aww, come on, don't be like that. It's unbecoming for someone as unattractive as you.
Unfortunately for this dancer, Kid Phantasm's large consumption of alcohol has him feeling good enough to join in on the fun.
Damn, I thought in Vegas the strippers would be better looking than in Reading, Pennsylvania!
Fly starts laughing. Kid pulls out a hundred dollar and waves it in the air.
Instead of wasting my money on this bitch I'll give $100 dollars to anyone who gets her off the stage before my eyes start bleeding.....
At this exact moment a HUGE man approaches the table and snatches the hundred dollar bill out of Kid's hand. He walks over to the stage and tosses the hundred dollar bill onstage for the stripper. Phantasm springs out of his seat and gets in the man's face.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Go get my money back!
I’m the head of security. Do me a favor; sit down, shut up, and stop harassing my girls.
Kid Phantasm never swears. This takes Fly by surprise. As Kid confronts the bouncer Fly pulls out his cell phone and quickly makes a call, disappearing from the scene.
I don't give a shit who you are! You owe me a hundred bucks!
You’re going to get hurt, buddy. Sit down.
Look, let me tell you something...
BOOM! Kid strikes with a huge right hand to the side of the bouncer's face, who falls to the ground immediately. Kid jumps on top of him and punches him for approximately, I don't know, thirty seconds? Jonny Fly returns to the scene and quickly pulls Phantasm to his feet. The entire club is just watching this scene take place, bitches aren't dancing, and music isn't playing. What a shame. Everything has come to a stop. Fly holds up his phone and yells out for everyone to hear.
I have good news for everyone. You are now looking at the new owner of this club! I just purchased it moments ago. We are closed, effective immediately, for renovations and re-staffing. Now…everyone… GET THE FUCK OUT!
The club patrons begin to move toward the exit. The bouncer gets up from the ground holding his head and not quite sure what's going on. Fly walks over to the bouncer and drapes his arm around his shoulder. He begins walking with him toward the doorway.
Look, I know you were just doing your job. I hope there are no hard feelings but you’re fired. Get the fuck out of my club. Expect to be contacted by the police. We'll be pressing charges against you for stealing money from friend.
Fly has reached the front door. He opens it and pushes the bouncer outside and locks the door behind him. The club has been completely cleared with the exception of the strippers who have gone to the back. Fly motions for Kid to follow him and the two men head back there. Our scene switches and picks up in the strippers dressing area. Fly and Kid are sitting in two chairs staring across the room where the strippers are lined up single-file. What you are about to watch unfold are your not-so-standard employment interviews. Phantasm yells out a name.
Bambi Star...please step forward.
A smallish women wearing only a thong and pasties steps forward. Fly and Kid inspect her closely before beginning their questions.
Bambi, what is your cup size?
I'm a 36D.
Are you willing to go bigger to continue your employment here at 'Jonny Fly's International House of Skanks?'
Um, I mean I'm not sure I can afford...
Fly interrupts.
Bambi, excuse my interruption, but was your mom shot by a hunter?
No, I mean I don't - think so. No?
Fly shakes his head and makes a mark on a clipboard that he is holding.
That's disappointing. Next question - How do you feel about having sex with your employer?
Oh, I'm all for that!
She's hired! Or, retained, whatever.
Fly makes a note on his clipboard and motions for Kid to call the next girl.
Okay, next we have - let's see here - Candi Kiss. Please step forward.
Candi Kiss, extremely attractive redheaded women wearing a naughty schoolgirl outfit steps forward. Fly immediately begins shaking his head.
Nope. Fired. Sorry, bitch.
Phantasm looks over at Fly and pleads her case.
Come on Jonny, why do you hate redheads so much?
It's not that I hate them; I'm just looking out for us. We don't want our girls, Sarah and Nightmare, to be jealous of another redhead, do we?
Ah. Good point. Sorry, Candi, please grabs your things and leave. You are no longer employed at ‘Jonny Fly’s International House of Skanks.’
A visibly upset Candi Kiss turns and storms out of the room. Fly and Kid stare at her ass as she leaves before turning their attention back to the other strippers.
Alright, next on-deck is Sugar Licious
Sugar steps forward. This girl is legit. She's a tanned brunette with amazing features.
Cup size?
Double D, but I'll go up if you want me to.
Excellent answer. Tell us, what made you want to be a stripper?
I love the company of men. I'm an exhibitionist by nature, so I enjoy being naked. Honestly, I'm really hoping to use this to jump start a career in porn.
Perfect. What about talents, what are your talents?
Um, I'm fucking Wayne Newton without his wife knowing about it, I consider that a talent.
The words 'Wayne Newton' cause Fly and Kid to stare at each other. Kid nods. Fly nods.
He's having a party after his show tonight if you guys want to be my guest?
Fly and Kid smile. This night isn't over yet.
To Be Continued
