Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2008 13:29:43 GMT -5
Someone is watching TV somewhere in America...
News Broadcast: "With the presidential primary season heating up speculation is running rampant as to whom will win the Democratic and Republican nominations. In addition to those races at least two high-profile independent campaigns have been widely speculated. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has assembled an exploratory committee to test the viability of his possible presidential bid. It is currently unknown as to when Bloomberg will announce a decision.
"Looming nearer on the horizon it appears that wrestling superstar Bobby Cairo is set to announce his candidacy for president. According to reports out of Cairo's dual headquarters in New York and Connecticut, Cairo has informed his supporters that he will be making a quote / unquote "major announcement" in the coming days. Cairo has courted controversy in recent weeks following his failed endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and an unrelated fifteen million dollar civil lawsuit filed by two Wendy's employees in New York. It is unclear as to how these issues will impact Cairo's rumored campaign.
In other political news President Bush stuck his hand in a jar of peanut butter and required assistance from the Joint Chiefs of Staff..."
Two days later. The day has come for Cairo's big announcement. A crowd of supporters has gathered in front of TSOC headquarters in Brooklyn. Joining them is a litany of camera crews and reporters. The stage and podium have been set up, decorated with red, white and blue streamers. All that awaits is Cairo's arrival. A cheer goes up as Cairo emerges from the TSOC headquarters and confidently strides onto the stage, smiling and waving at supporters. Cairo looks dapper in his Yankee pinstripe suit and handcrafted Italian leather loafers, so much so that the cameras zoom in for a closer look.
The winter chill in the air is overwhelmed by the electricity of the moment. Cairo soaks it all in. He's been waiting so long and fighting so hard for this. The dream is finally being realized. Cairo approaches the microphone with a twinkle in his eye and winks at a pretty girl in the front row.
Bobby Cairo: "I want to thank everyone for coming out today. I know that it's cold, but America needs us. We have important work that we must accomplish. I'm sure that we would all much rather be at home snuggling with our sweeties. Unfortunately America is in a state of emergency. Besides my sweetie just checked into rehab... no, no, no!"
Cairo chokes back the tears while thinking about his beloved Amy Winehouse. The sympathetic crowd ahhs and cheers encouragement at Cairo as he struggles to regain his composure.
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you, you're wonderful. I love you all."
Cairo pulls a handkerchief out of his chest pocket and dries his eyes.
Bobby Cairo: "Ladies and gentlemen we all know that America needs change. For so long American politics have been dominated by this arcane two-party system. Two parties does not constitute a democracy. Two parties is not a choice, it's a coinflip, and regardless of whether the coin lands heads or tails we all lose. That's why it's time for a real choice. It's time for real leadership. It's time... for Cairo!"
The crowd explodes in cheers as a barrage of flashbulbs go off.
Bobby Cairo: "I am officially declaring myself a candidate for President of the United States of America!"
The cheers grow louder, some members of the audience dance little jigs and throw confetti into the air. Volunteers hand out campaign signs and literature to the people in the crowd.
Bobby Cairo: "A lot of people have walked up to me these last few weeks. They've asked me, "Cairo, are you running for president, and if so what's your platform?" Today I can say that yes I am running for president and my platform is the constitution. I intend to reduce the role of federal government in our lives and restore the authority of each state to govern itself."
The crowd enthusiastically cheers Cairo's proclamation. A chant of "No more war!" breaks out among some in the audience.
Bobby Cairo: "The federal government has become a morass of failed and ill-conceived social programs. These programs burden the American taxpayer and punish the working class while failing to address the issues that they were created to resolve. As an example, most Americans have either inadequate Healthcare coverage or no Healthcare coverage at all. Yet the politicians want us to believe that they have the solution to this dire situation. Here's my solution: Hey politicians, get out of our lives!"
More cheers from the crowd, several people nod their heads up and down. An old man declares "Yes that makes sense damn it!"
Bobby Cairo: "We don't need the federal government taking our tax money and pretending that they are putting it towards Healthcare coverage or Medicare coverage or any of their other socialist programs. The only true solution to the problem is to create an environment where the Healthcare companies are competing for our business, free from government interference, thereby driving down the costs of coverage and holding HMOs to the highest possible standards. How can we achieve this goal? We can achieve this goal when the government stops robbing hardworking Americans of their hard-earned money, and instead allows people run their own lives and make their own decisions!"
A rousing chant of "That makes sense!" is now filling the streets.
Bobby Cairo: "We don't need socialized medicine in America. This isn't Canada! We can think for ourselves and make our own decisions. We don't need the government to play the role of mommy and daddy and tell us what's best for us. In a free market society, of which America is the most prominent, we allow businesses to compete for our business. We don't allow the government to regulate business or tax us unfairly or spy on us and control our lives. That's not what America is all about. Unfortunately our elected leaders have failed to figure that out."
"That makes sense! That makes sense! That makes sense!" More cheers and chants from the delighted crowd.
Bobby Cairo: "Another question that people have asked me is "Cairo, if you run for President are you gonna be independent, Republican or Democrat?" Today I can tell you that I intend to run as the CPR candidate because America needs a breath of fresh air. CPR stands for Constitution, Prohibition and Reform, and those are the three parties from which I will be seeking nominations. Why am I running for the nominations of three parties? I'm doing so because each of those parties represents the ideals of my campaign."
"CPR! CPR! CPR!" chants break out now.
Bobby Cairo: "I'm also doing it because the Republicans and Democrats have passed unfair and unconstitutional legislature that makes it difficult for third parties to gain ballot access in some states. I am hoping to give each of these parties and their respective pro-Constitution and pro-American agendas greater exposure as well as helping them in their efforts to gain ballot access in more states."
More "CPR! CPR! CPR!" chants.
Bobby Cairo: "It's no secret that voter participation is very poor in America compared to most industrialized nations. In countries such as France, England, Australia, Canada and Italy and even in many third world countries, voters have numerous candidates to choose from on the ballot, representing the entire political spectrum. This is why voter participation in those countries exceeds 75-85%, whereas America is below 50%. You guys want a real choice on the ballot, right? You don't want more duopoly, right? I know I'm tired of it!"
"We want choice! We want choice!"
Bobby Cairo: "I have also made it my goal to ensure that all legitimate candidates from all parties have the opportunity to participate in televised debates. How can people learn about candidates from the third parties if they have never heard of them? I mean it just makes sense to give everybody the chance to debate. This is America!"
"USA! USA! USA!" chants from the crowd now.
Bobby Cairo: "As the only true fiscal conservative running for president, I'm always disappointed to see how much money gets wasted on these campaigns. A modern day presidential campaign is more expensive than producing an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. These candidates call themselves fiscally responsible? Outrageous! I'm running a true grassroots campaign."
The old, wise folks in the audience take heed of Cairo's words and nod their heads in agreement.
Bobby Cairo: "I'm usually not one to make pledges, but I have a pledge that I'm going to make to you guys. I pledge that, unlike certain candidates, I will spend none of my personal wealth to fund my campaign. I also pledge that I will not accept PAC money. I work for the working class, I don't work for special interests. I don't believe in trying to buy an election. Running a campaign should be about the quality of the message, not the quantity of the TV and radio ads. I'm counting on all of us, myself included, to spread the message of this campaign."
"We will spread! We will spread!" chants from the college kids in the audience.
Bobby Cairo: "I believe that word of mouth can work better than all the TV and radio ads in the world. All who wish to support my campaign can call 1-800-BC-4-PREZ and you will receive complimentary campaign buttons, yard signs, t-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign literature and my solemn promise to uphold the Constitution and traditional American values. Ragged weeds are binding our freedom. It's time for us to say enough is enough and take back our country!"
The crowd cheers its loudest cheers yet and supporters rush the stage like home fans celebrating a college football victory. Cairo can't help but laugh it up as he shakes hands with his supporters and pinches the buttocks of that pretty girl that he winked at earlier.
News Broadcast: "With the presidential primary season heating up speculation is running rampant as to whom will win the Democratic and Republican nominations. In addition to those races at least two high-profile independent campaigns have been widely speculated. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has assembled an exploratory committee to test the viability of his possible presidential bid. It is currently unknown as to when Bloomberg will announce a decision.
"Looming nearer on the horizon it appears that wrestling superstar Bobby Cairo is set to announce his candidacy for president. According to reports out of Cairo's dual headquarters in New York and Connecticut, Cairo has informed his supporters that he will be making a quote / unquote "major announcement" in the coming days. Cairo has courted controversy in recent weeks following his failed endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and an unrelated fifteen million dollar civil lawsuit filed by two Wendy's employees in New York. It is unclear as to how these issues will impact Cairo's rumored campaign.
In other political news President Bush stuck his hand in a jar of peanut butter and required assistance from the Joint Chiefs of Staff..."
Two days later. The day has come for Cairo's big announcement. A crowd of supporters has gathered in front of TSOC headquarters in Brooklyn. Joining them is a litany of camera crews and reporters. The stage and podium have been set up, decorated with red, white and blue streamers. All that awaits is Cairo's arrival. A cheer goes up as Cairo emerges from the TSOC headquarters and confidently strides onto the stage, smiling and waving at supporters. Cairo looks dapper in his Yankee pinstripe suit and handcrafted Italian leather loafers, so much so that the cameras zoom in for a closer look.
The winter chill in the air is overwhelmed by the electricity of the moment. Cairo soaks it all in. He's been waiting so long and fighting so hard for this. The dream is finally being realized. Cairo approaches the microphone with a twinkle in his eye and winks at a pretty girl in the front row.
Bobby Cairo: "I want to thank everyone for coming out today. I know that it's cold, but America needs us. We have important work that we must accomplish. I'm sure that we would all much rather be at home snuggling with our sweeties. Unfortunately America is in a state of emergency. Besides my sweetie just checked into rehab... no, no, no!"
Cairo chokes back the tears while thinking about his beloved Amy Winehouse. The sympathetic crowd ahhs and cheers encouragement at Cairo as he struggles to regain his composure.
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you, you're wonderful. I love you all."
Cairo pulls a handkerchief out of his chest pocket and dries his eyes.
Bobby Cairo: "Ladies and gentlemen we all know that America needs change. For so long American politics have been dominated by this arcane two-party system. Two parties does not constitute a democracy. Two parties is not a choice, it's a coinflip, and regardless of whether the coin lands heads or tails we all lose. That's why it's time for a real choice. It's time for real leadership. It's time... for Cairo!"
The crowd explodes in cheers as a barrage of flashbulbs go off.
Bobby Cairo: "I am officially declaring myself a candidate for President of the United States of America!"
The cheers grow louder, some members of the audience dance little jigs and throw confetti into the air. Volunteers hand out campaign signs and literature to the people in the crowd.
Bobby Cairo: "A lot of people have walked up to me these last few weeks. They've asked me, "Cairo, are you running for president, and if so what's your platform?" Today I can say that yes I am running for president and my platform is the constitution. I intend to reduce the role of federal government in our lives and restore the authority of each state to govern itself."
The crowd enthusiastically cheers Cairo's proclamation. A chant of "No more war!" breaks out among some in the audience.
Bobby Cairo: "The federal government has become a morass of failed and ill-conceived social programs. These programs burden the American taxpayer and punish the working class while failing to address the issues that they were created to resolve. As an example, most Americans have either inadequate Healthcare coverage or no Healthcare coverage at all. Yet the politicians want us to believe that they have the solution to this dire situation. Here's my solution: Hey politicians, get out of our lives!"
More cheers from the crowd, several people nod their heads up and down. An old man declares "Yes that makes sense damn it!"
Bobby Cairo: "We don't need the federal government taking our tax money and pretending that they are putting it towards Healthcare coverage or Medicare coverage or any of their other socialist programs. The only true solution to the problem is to create an environment where the Healthcare companies are competing for our business, free from government interference, thereby driving down the costs of coverage and holding HMOs to the highest possible standards. How can we achieve this goal? We can achieve this goal when the government stops robbing hardworking Americans of their hard-earned money, and instead allows people run their own lives and make their own decisions!"
A rousing chant of "That makes sense!" is now filling the streets.
Bobby Cairo: "We don't need socialized medicine in America. This isn't Canada! We can think for ourselves and make our own decisions. We don't need the government to play the role of mommy and daddy and tell us what's best for us. In a free market society, of which America is the most prominent, we allow businesses to compete for our business. We don't allow the government to regulate business or tax us unfairly or spy on us and control our lives. That's not what America is all about. Unfortunately our elected leaders have failed to figure that out."
"That makes sense! That makes sense! That makes sense!" More cheers and chants from the delighted crowd.
Bobby Cairo: "Another question that people have asked me is "Cairo, if you run for President are you gonna be independent, Republican or Democrat?" Today I can tell you that I intend to run as the CPR candidate because America needs a breath of fresh air. CPR stands for Constitution, Prohibition and Reform, and those are the three parties from which I will be seeking nominations. Why am I running for the nominations of three parties? I'm doing so because each of those parties represents the ideals of my campaign."
"CPR! CPR! CPR!" chants break out now.
Bobby Cairo: "I'm also doing it because the Republicans and Democrats have passed unfair and unconstitutional legislature that makes it difficult for third parties to gain ballot access in some states. I am hoping to give each of these parties and their respective pro-Constitution and pro-American agendas greater exposure as well as helping them in their efforts to gain ballot access in more states."
More "CPR! CPR! CPR!" chants.
Bobby Cairo: "It's no secret that voter participation is very poor in America compared to most industrialized nations. In countries such as France, England, Australia, Canada and Italy and even in many third world countries, voters have numerous candidates to choose from on the ballot, representing the entire political spectrum. This is why voter participation in those countries exceeds 75-85%, whereas America is below 50%. You guys want a real choice on the ballot, right? You don't want more duopoly, right? I know I'm tired of it!"
"We want choice! We want choice!"
Bobby Cairo: "I have also made it my goal to ensure that all legitimate candidates from all parties have the opportunity to participate in televised debates. How can people learn about candidates from the third parties if they have never heard of them? I mean it just makes sense to give everybody the chance to debate. This is America!"
"USA! USA! USA!" chants from the crowd now.
Bobby Cairo: "As the only true fiscal conservative running for president, I'm always disappointed to see how much money gets wasted on these campaigns. A modern day presidential campaign is more expensive than producing an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. These candidates call themselves fiscally responsible? Outrageous! I'm running a true grassroots campaign."
The old, wise folks in the audience take heed of Cairo's words and nod their heads in agreement.
Bobby Cairo: "I'm usually not one to make pledges, but I have a pledge that I'm going to make to you guys. I pledge that, unlike certain candidates, I will spend none of my personal wealth to fund my campaign. I also pledge that I will not accept PAC money. I work for the working class, I don't work for special interests. I don't believe in trying to buy an election. Running a campaign should be about the quality of the message, not the quantity of the TV and radio ads. I'm counting on all of us, myself included, to spread the message of this campaign."
"We will spread! We will spread!" chants from the college kids in the audience.
Bobby Cairo: "I believe that word of mouth can work better than all the TV and radio ads in the world. All who wish to support my campaign can call 1-800-BC-4-PREZ and you will receive complimentary campaign buttons, yard signs, t-shirts, bumper stickers, campaign literature and my solemn promise to uphold the Constitution and traditional American values. Ragged weeds are binding our freedom. It's time for us to say enough is enough and take back our country!"
The crowd cheers its loudest cheers yet and supporters rush the stage like home fans celebrating a college football victory. Cairo can't help but laugh it up as he shakes hands with his supporters and pinches the buttocks of that pretty girl that he winked at earlier.
