Shulmanu Responds to Royal's Claims (Slam RP1)

[Shulmanu]

MEMORY IS A FUNNY THING

Hansen Residence
Location: Buffalo, NY
Datee: January 16, 2011 / 9:00 P.M.

We find Shulmanu sitting on the couch in the living room. He is wearing black leather pants and no shirt. His face is painted, and his hair is pulled back. He has the WCF Hardcore Championship belt draped over his lap. He is watching television, with a slightly perplexed look on his face. On the TV is Anthony Royal, during his recent press conference.

Royal: (From the TV.) ...Listen here chief, unless you want my foot jammed so far down your throat that you’re crapping out toenails for the next week, I suggest you shut your suck hole. Shulmanu did NOT beat me. HE DIDN’T! Plain and simple. I’ll take more questions, but if they’re even remotely moronic, this is over.

Pete Hansen walks into the living room. He is wearing gray sweat pants and a white t-shirt (obviously his pajamas). He walks up to the camera and talks to Cameraman Phil.

Pete: (Whispering to Phil.) How long has he been watching this?

Phil: About an hour.

Pete: Has he responded to it at all?

Phil: No. He's just been sitting there with the same confused expression, rewinding the DVR and watching Royal's remarks to the press over and over again.

Pete: (To Shulmanu.) What's goin' on, big guy?

Shulmanu: (Pauses the DVR.) Anthony Royal is not making any sense on the picture box.

Pete: What's he saying?

Shulmanu: He's saying I didn't beat him... But I did. I have the honorary metal and leather belt of bloodshed. (He pats his title belt.) I beat him. Is he confused, or lying?

Pete: I think he's probably believing his own bullshit, Manu. He's worked himself up in order to compensate for his loss. He's in denial.

Shulmanu: And they put you on TV for being in denial?

Pete: Yup. More often than you would expect.

Shulmanu: But... I beat him. The rules of the match were that I was supposed to beat Royal so badly that he would not be able to stop me from walking out of the room. He's saying I had to pin him or make him submit. That was nowhere in the rules.

Pete: And I'm sure that if he walked out of there and won the match himself, he'd be singing an entirely different tune.

Shulmanu: (Picks up the remote and starts to fast-forward the DVR.) He sang? I must have missed that part.

Pete: It's a figure of speech.

Shulmanu: (Pauses the DVR again.) Oh. And he also said something about how I should remember him standing tall over me. I don't recall that. Has he perhaps used a spell to alter my memory? Because all I remember is him coming out after I beat him, breaking a light bulb over my back, and running away like a scared little bitch.

Pete: That's pretty much what happened.

Shulmanu: But now he gets to go on TV and tell lies about me?

Pete: That about sums it up.

Shulmanu: Well, then I want to go on TV and tell lies about him. (He snaps his fingers at Cameraman Phil.) Hey! Camera Scum! Record this...

Phil: The camera's been on this whole time, duder.

Shulmanu: Anthony Royal eats baby feces, wears pink lace underpants, and has sex with his own mother.

Pete: (Stepping in front of the camera.) Whoa whoa whoa... Let's not sink to his level.

Shulmanu: Why not?

Pete: Because you're a champion now, and a good champion holds himself to a higher standard of behavior. Let Royal run his mouth. It just shows how pathetic he really is. You do your talking in the ring.

Shulmanu: (Stands up.) Alright then. Where are my shoes? We will go to the ring and I will tell the world that Anthony Royal has sex with his own mother!

Pete: The ring's not set up yet. Besides, that's not what I meant.

Pete's wife, Robin comes out into the living room. She is wearing a baby blue bathrobe, and looks slightly annoyed.

Robin: Who's having sex with their mother?

Shulmanu: Anthony Royal. He has sex with his own mother. I saw it.

Pete: No one is having sex with their mother. Royal is lying about Manu, so Manu thinks it's his right to lie about Royal.

Shulmanu: He wears pink lace panties, too.

Robin: Well, whatever the case, can you boys keep it down out here? I just put the kids to bed.

Shulmanu: No! We must wake the children and tell them that Anthony Royal dines upon infant feces, nightly! (He starts to walk towards the hallway, fully prepared to roust the kids out of bed.)

Robin: (Steps in front of Shulmanu.) The kids don't need to know that. Let's just leave them alone.

Shulmanu: Yes. You're right. They're probably safe from his gastronomical proclivities anyway. They are no longer infants.

Robin: (Shakes her head, somewhat exasperated.) Right.

Shulmanu: But didn't the neighbors have a baby recently?

Pete: I think so, but... (Realizes the can of worms he just opened.) Oh no.

Before anyone can say anything else, Shulmanu is out the front door. Cameraman Phil shoots out the doorway as Pete goes outside after Shulmanu. It's too late, though. Shulmanu has moved very quickly (damn near supernaturally so) and is already at the neighbors' house, banging on the door.

Shulmanu: Hey! Hey, in there! Open up! You must know that your child is in danger!!!

The camera now moves out of the Hansen house and heads across the yard, shooting over the bushes and keeping the lens trained on Shulmanu. Some lights in the neighbors' house come on, and a baby can be heard crying inside.

Shulmanu: Open the door! You child is in grave danger!

Pete: Manu! Leave the neighbors alo...

Before Pete can finish his sentence, the front door of the neighbor's house opens and Pete's neighbor, Jim Hemet pokes his head out. He is a yuppie-ish Caucasian man in his early 30's. He's wearing striped pajama pants and a robe. He looks concerned.

Jim: What's going on? What's all the noise?

Shulmanu: Pay close attention, mortal! I come bearing important news. Your child is in grave danger. Anthony Royal is coming to town, and he must feed on infant feces. If he cannot get it willingly, he will take it by force! I, myself, have seen him suck the still-warm poop out of a baby's an...

Pete: (Running up onto his neighbor's porch and grabbing Shulmanu by the wrist.) Manu, leave the Hemets alone. (To Jim.) I'm sorry he bothered you, Jim. He's all worked up about...

Shulmanu: No, Pete! This piece of human filth needs to know that Anthony Royal is going to extricate the fresh feces from his infant son's colon; by force if he has to!

Pete: Manu! Stop! (Back to Jim.) Don't pay any attention to him. Again, I'm sorry.

Jim looks at Pete and Shulmanu, rolls his eyes, steps back inside and closes the door.

Pete: Let's go back to the house, before Jim decides to call the cops on us.

Shulmanu and Pete begin to walk back towards the Hansen abode.

Shulmanu: He has been warned. Hopefully he has time to prepare.

Pete: Now let's just hope he doesn't try to have you arrested.

Shulmanu: It is Anthony Royal who should be arrested. He is the one spreading lies. I was only doing my civic duty in warning your neighbor of the impending doom.

They continue their conversation as they re-enter the Hansen house. The camera follows them in.

Pete: Well, unfortunately, you're a lot more likely to go to jail for what you just did, than Royal is for what he did.

Shulmanu: Your society is too complicated, my priest. In the time of the Old Ones, we simply killed our enemies and that was that. Here, we must let them live and must tolerate them spreading falsehoods. It makes no sense.

Robin: (Her hands on her hips, annoyed.) Either of you get shot?

Pete: Nope.

Shulmanu: (To Robin.) What do you do with your spawn when they speak falsehoods?

Robin: I put them on Time-Out.

Shulmanu: How does one put another on this so-called "Time-Out."

Robin: Go back to the neighbors' house and bang on their door again, and I'll show you.

Shulmanu: Ok. (He turns around and steps toward the door.)

Pete: (Steps in between Shulmanu and the door, holding his hands up in front of him.) Ah-ah-ah... She didn't mean that. It was sarcasm.

Robin: Look, putting this Royal guy on Time-Out won't work for him. I don't know much about wrestling - that's Pete's business - but I do know that dealing with rival wrestlers and raising kids are two very different things. Just beat this guy within an inch of his life next time you wrestle him, and don't give him any leeway to talk crap afterward.

Pete: (To the camera, pointing a thumb at Robin.) That's why I married her.

Shulmanu: (Nods to himself, taking Robin's words to heart.) Your words are wise, wife of my priest. I will follow your advice. (He turns to the camera and points a finger toward the lens.) Anthony Royal, I hope you hear this! You can run your mouth all you want. All you speak are lies and delusions. Next we meet, I will silence you once and for all... Permanently if I have to. (He picks up his title belt off of the couch.) This belt is mine, and will be mine for a long time. If anyone can do anything about it, it is not you. I've had your number from day-one, and no amount of nonsensical babble is going to change that. My one mistake in our last match was allowing you room to walk away. I will not make that same mistake twice.

Shulmanu stares hard into the camera. Normally, this is the point where a promo would fade to black. It doesn't cut off this time, however.

Pete: (In the background.) Manu... John Thomas is in the match, too. Do you...

Shulmanu: (Wheels around on Pete.) What?!?! You mean he's going to wrestle me with his pants off this time? What did you sign me up for, Priest???

Cut to black