Friendship ended with Britain. Now Spain is my new friend.
Dec 23, 2018 20:22:27 GMT -5
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Oath Breaker, Bonnie Blue, and 1 more like this
Post by The Very Big Śpainards on Dec 23, 2018 20:22:27 GMT -5
--23rd December 2018--
--Reading, Pennsylvania--
--6:44am--
El Gran Grande was awkwarldy laying at the bottom of a sand dune. His face blank, mouth open by a slight amount showing the lack of activity in his brain. You could almost say he's deep in his thoughts but the term "thoughts" is probably stretching it.
El Gran Grande thoughts rarely ever made sense. His brain was the equivalent of a out of touch, desperate TV executive trying to be hip and cool. His mouth battered by years of constant junk food all too eager to give the garbage fire of thoughts the greenlight to become actual words.
But now no such words were crawling out of El Gran Grande's big mouth. For now he had a serious actual conflict on his mind.
Now El Gran Grande's secret identity, William has had problems before, obviously. He was quite an agontagonistic prick, both before and after he donned the mask, who had less than no idea about how to be sensitive or how to be an actual human being either. Mix that with his obsession with twitter and it was safe to say he'd pissed around about 82% of the population of Earth.
But that was easy to deal with. El Gran Grande thought he could probably count 82% of the population on one hand, that's how small they were. His brain had managed to discover a "fool-proof" way of dealing with conflict.
1. Check to see if there's a conflict.
2. Check again.
3. Scream.
4. Punch.
5. Punch till die.
6. Gotem.
Now obviously El Gran Grande was immensely proud of his brains way of solving his problems. Sometimes he'd pause in the middle of WCF Matches to laugh at how stupid everyone else apart from him was.
If people were meant to "solve" their problems why was it so easy to punch them into their unconsciousness? El Gran Grande thought. Sure there were times were most of the time his plans failed miserably and he ended up humiliated, injured or arrested but El Gran Grande let all those things happen! Obviously!
El Gran Grande was an unbeatable conquerer who was the coolest person in the world, not because of his achievements or his strength but simply because El Gran Grande thought he was. So he was.
But now El Gran Grande, trapped in the deep fat fryer that was his brain was now met with the frightening realisation that just because he thought something was a certain way that doesn't mean it was.
See, El Gran Grande had a slight complete hatred for all of humanity. And although he said he was waiting for "other Very Big Śpainards to join the crusade of conversion!" he could never really escape his unwavering, absolute feeling of disgust when met with anyone that wasn't El Gran Grande himself.
But now despite the fact that he thought 82% everyone in the world hated him, and despite the fact he thought he hated twice that many people, and even despite the fact that he knew he was the best person in the entire world he still had no foreseeable solution to his problem.
El Gran Grande turned his blank stare to his tag partner who was loading a very dirty matters into the back of a green van a couple yards further into the centre of the beach.
El Gran Grande: Ainsley, are Spain and Britain the same country?
El Aìnsley lifts his head up slowly, not bothering to change the direction of his thousand yard stare. El Aìnsley slowly turned his head to stare at El Gran Grande as if the Spanish Hungarian had just come back from the front lines of a war zone.
El Gran Grande: Like, I know you're staring at me because that's probably not a smart question, which it is, cause I asked it. An- wh- what I mean is like countries are formed when one country splits into two, yeah? Mitosis, it's called, is there a way perhaps to somehow like, reverse the Mitosis?
El Aìnsley stare somehow managed to increase in hopelessness and it appears that with every word that comes out of El Gran Grande's mouth is slowly corroding his very soul.
El Gran Grande: And if that's true, is that why the call people who move from one country to another Migrants? 'C- cause "MI". MItosis, MIgrants. Y'see?
...
I KNOW YOU CAN FECKING HEAR ME, THERE'S LITERALLY NOBODY ON THIS DUMB BEACH BUT ME AN-!
El Aìnsley: No!
There's a silence as El Aìnsley groans and reluctantly walks over to El Gran Grande. As soon as he's close enough El Aìnsley's legs go on strike and the spainard is left to plummet to the floor with a face of acceptance.
El Gran Grande: Don't eat the sand, faggot.
El Aìnsley merely grumbles before lifting his face and turning his neck so the sand covered mask is pointed directly at his partner.
El Aìnsley: You... really need to learn how countries work, man. I don't think you have the basics figured out just yet.
El Gran Grande: Well I think that you think stupid ass thoughts. And since the only things that I know are true are the things I, myself perceive then you must think stupid ass thoughts.
El Aìnsley: That's rude. And kinda wrong.
El Gran Grande: Nope actually completely right. 1. Because I said it was and 2. Because it's a real thing that's actually been scientifically proven. It's called Solipsism. Basically everything that exists was creates by my mind. Even you yourself are put a figment of my genius, super brain. Therefore I literally cannot be wrong because I'm pretty much a god of this world. Which I was beforehand but now I'm like... double God?
El Aìnsley: Demi-God?
El Gran Grande: No, that's the- that's the complete opposite of what I mean. I know what you're gonna ask "El Gran Grande, if you made the world why am I such a whiny little Hong Kong fuckwad? Me being El Aìnsley" and the truth is I have no fucking clue.
I owe my brain a lot of shits, breathing, knowing how to walk, knowing how to run.. uh... maybe like eating although that's more of like a teeth job. I guess they good for when I headbutt people that's about it really.
I like my brain man, he's a good guy, he tries his best, but he is gorilla fucking garbage, unfortunately. He's just kinda useless in a lot of areas, he lacks convenience. Honestly he's lucky I'm like the brains of the operation, or else we'd be going nowhere.
El Aìnsley: El Gran Grande, can you please.. pl- please! Just think about the words you're going to say before you say them. It's a suprisingly deterrent towards.. saying dumb shit.
El Gran Grande: Thinking using the brain which I just said is gorilla fucking garbage, El Aìnsley? Cause that's not gonna work. Honestly dawg, it's not even my fault. If you feel so fucked about it I can always get openart surgery to yeet that bitch out of there, but I lack the time-
El Aìnsley: 'Openart'?
El Gran Grande: -the funds and the time to do that! It probably only sucks because of my epic gamer cocaine addiction and numerous concussions but like.. that's not anything to do with me either. I've tried to set the guy up for Drugs Anonymous but... he hasn't got ears so he's not gonna hear what they say anyway-
El Aìnsley: What if YOU went to narcotics anonymous? I tried to send you there a month ago and then you screamed, did a shoot and left. Medical appointments aren't just your excuse to complain about WCF Wrestlers to a doctor, you know.
El Gran Grande, Correct, their an excuse to inject me with homosexuality and I refuse to have anything to do with anything of the sort, got it?! Now listen up, my brain has a problem that needs fixing and you are pretty much the only person that can solve it.
El Aìnsley's eyes flicker open and his arms quickly flip him over in an almost too enthusiastic manner. El Aìnsley turns his body onto the side and look at El Gran Grande, slouched over and panting heavily like an overweight zombie.
El Gran Grande: You know I was thinking of John Rabid earlier. Obviously before I made my super secret oath to be a Spainard forever so I wouldn't be arrested. But like I also made an oath to be British forever like 8 months before that so, have I betrayed or not?
I mean John Rabid even agreeing to have a match with me is sort of commiting high treason against the national union of me, which is the best national... unio- look whatever!
Honestly? I don't even feel comfortable doing this shoot! John Rabid has been quite a nice guy to me and I just feel kinda bad when I use my smart, witty vocabulary to absolutely destroy his entire life and face.
El Aìnsley: Well maybe don't shoot. Just talk like a normal fucking person for once.
El Gran Grande: ..
......
N-
No- see, I've already been betrayed once. Back I the day I'd use to offer myself out as security. Out of the goodness of my own heart! And how was my benevolence repaid? By Stephen Singh absolutely, heartlessly, betraying me! After he didn't forgive me for siding with his rival and beating him up!
Whi-
Which wasn't my fault! Me and him were still cool before he started to blame ME for it! ME! THE MOST INNOCENT MAN!
El Aìnsley: Why would he forgive you if you heartlessly betrayed him?
El Gran Grande: ...
...
I-
..
Li- like basically then I teamed up with John Rabid. He introduced me to the greatness of the Great Britain, it was so good! There was-.. the- honestly I don't really remember much but I do remember it being a Great Britain! Me and Rabid and some other Hungarian guy were on top of the world!
El Aìnsley: Man, what the f-.. the fuck?! I've been teaming with your bitch ass for almost to years now.
El Gran Grande: That's got- that's got nothing to do with my story. A- a- at all. At all.
BUT THEN?! Once again I'm betrayed! John Rabid fucking poofs of the face of the earth after losing his world title against SJW! Seth Lerch does too, so I can't even do a freaking authority security thing! Plus Singh wins the world title! Which is even fucking worse cause he was doing a culty shit and like-.. I mean- it would've been cool if he'd asked but he DIDN'T! CAUSE HE'S A DUMBFACE NERDHEAD!
Do you wanna know what I fucking die after you abandoned me Rabid? I lost all my fucking championships and I got the fucking dick for 2 months straight and then I went to jail.
Does that sounds fun?
I'd rather be fucking locked in a barn then have to go through that shit again!
And now I'm fucking getting put through rings, harassed by Estrella Luiz on the internet even though I CLEARLY speak fluid Spanish, breaking into fucking Zip Wingdinger's house then GETTING DICK KICKED AGAIN?! IT'S FUUUUUUUCKED!
You abandoned me, Britain abandoned me, you know how many calls I got from the queen after I got arrested? None. Not one! Not even a "Hey William, you like made our country and all so I'm gonna actually not be a really mean, ignorant person" BUT THATS WHAT THEY SAID AT ALL BECAUSE SHE WAS A MEAN, IGNORANT PERSON.
You clipped my fucking wings and you didn't even realise you had the scissors! But an angel is not defined by it's ability to fly, rather it's affect on those around it. And I've had quite the effect on the one person who's opinion ACTUALLY matters!
Me.
I've reminded myself that I am without a doubt the single most impressive, amazing, indescribably glorious human being in the history if CARBON BASED LIFE! And by comparison you're all just mantises hopping around my feet! And if somebody were to nuke those mantiaes to extinction well then more room for me!
John Rabid, I respected you. You were like a mentor, a much smaller but with a lot more cooler clothes and you had a cool accent. But the time has come for respect to die. I face all my WCF opponents with the exact same emotion. Pure, unconditional hatred.
It just comes naturally. You're all just so small. So... not Spanish. And who am I to deny mother nature? I'm simply doing what comes naturally! You can't blame me for that. And if you do I'll claim you betrayed me and complain about it on Twitter for 3 weeks.
It's unfortunate it had to come to this. I'm the best wrestler in the entirety of the world so I'm obviously gonna win in like -12 quadraseconds. But that's just what I do.
Me and you are on equal ground now, Rabid. Which, as always, means I'm looking down on you. And it's not a very Spanish view.
Bueno Day.
Turn el camera off Ainsley.
El Aìnsley: Was- was I supposed to be recording?
El Gran Grande's head bobbles in shock and he turns and furrows his eyes at his partner. Words begin attempting to form themselves before El Gran Grande stands up and allows his blind, stupid rage to work it's diplomatic skills.
El Gran Grande: Pa-bu-bu-b-b- WHAAAT?! I WAS USING "YOU"! OBVIOUSLY I'M SHOOTING IF I'M USING "YOU" ITS COMMON SENSE!
El Aìnsley: But you were saying shit about William the Behemoth. Who you 'aren't'.
El Gran Grande: Who- who the fuck is "William the Behemoth" I'M ON ABOUT MYSELF DIPSHIT! THAT'S WHY I USED "ME" BECAUSE I'M TALKING ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEE!
El Aìnsley's mouth falls open in a dumbfounded retaliation before El Gran Grande starts to angrily stomp off, muttering the words "angry Spanish" over and over again.
El Aìnsley groans before headbutting the sand again, his soul finally corroded into grammatically incorrect mush.
--Reading, Pennsylvania--
--6:44am--
El Gran Grande was awkwarldy laying at the bottom of a sand dune. His face blank, mouth open by a slight amount showing the lack of activity in his brain. You could almost say he's deep in his thoughts but the term "thoughts" is probably stretching it.
El Gran Grande thoughts rarely ever made sense. His brain was the equivalent of a out of touch, desperate TV executive trying to be hip and cool. His mouth battered by years of constant junk food all too eager to give the garbage fire of thoughts the greenlight to become actual words.
But now no such words were crawling out of El Gran Grande's big mouth. For now he had a serious actual conflict on his mind.
Now El Gran Grande's secret identity, William has had problems before, obviously. He was quite an agontagonistic prick, both before and after he donned the mask, who had less than no idea about how to be sensitive or how to be an actual human being either. Mix that with his obsession with twitter and it was safe to say he'd pissed around about 82% of the population of Earth.
But that was easy to deal with. El Gran Grande thought he could probably count 82% of the population on one hand, that's how small they were. His brain had managed to discover a "fool-proof" way of dealing with conflict.
1. Check to see if there's a conflict.
2. Check again.
3. Scream.
4. Punch.
5. Punch till die.
6. Gotem.
Now obviously El Gran Grande was immensely proud of his brains way of solving his problems. Sometimes he'd pause in the middle of WCF Matches to laugh at how stupid everyone else apart from him was.
If people were meant to "solve" their problems why was it so easy to punch them into their unconsciousness? El Gran Grande thought. Sure there were times were most of the time his plans failed miserably and he ended up humiliated, injured or arrested but El Gran Grande let all those things happen! Obviously!
El Gran Grande was an unbeatable conquerer who was the coolest person in the world, not because of his achievements or his strength but simply because El Gran Grande thought he was. So he was.
But now El Gran Grande, trapped in the deep fat fryer that was his brain was now met with the frightening realisation that just because he thought something was a certain way that doesn't mean it was.
See, El Gran Grande had a slight complete hatred for all of humanity. And although he said he was waiting for "other Very Big Śpainards to join the crusade of conversion!" he could never really escape his unwavering, absolute feeling of disgust when met with anyone that wasn't El Gran Grande himself.
But now despite the fact that he thought 82% everyone in the world hated him, and despite the fact he thought he hated twice that many people, and even despite the fact that he knew he was the best person in the entire world he still had no foreseeable solution to his problem.
El Gran Grande turned his blank stare to his tag partner who was loading a very dirty matters into the back of a green van a couple yards further into the centre of the beach.
El Gran Grande: Ainsley, are Spain and Britain the same country?
El Aìnsley lifts his head up slowly, not bothering to change the direction of his thousand yard stare. El Aìnsley slowly turned his head to stare at El Gran Grande as if the Spanish Hungarian had just come back from the front lines of a war zone.
El Gran Grande: Like, I know you're staring at me because that's probably not a smart question, which it is, cause I asked it. An- wh- what I mean is like countries are formed when one country splits into two, yeah? Mitosis, it's called, is there a way perhaps to somehow like, reverse the Mitosis?
El Aìnsley stare somehow managed to increase in hopelessness and it appears that with every word that comes out of El Gran Grande's mouth is slowly corroding his very soul.
El Gran Grande: And if that's true, is that why the call people who move from one country to another Migrants? 'C- cause "MI". MItosis, MIgrants. Y'see?
...
I KNOW YOU CAN FECKING HEAR ME, THERE'S LITERALLY NOBODY ON THIS DUMB BEACH BUT ME AN-!
El Aìnsley: No!
There's a silence as El Aìnsley groans and reluctantly walks over to El Gran Grande. As soon as he's close enough El Aìnsley's legs go on strike and the spainard is left to plummet to the floor with a face of acceptance.
El Gran Grande: Don't eat the sand, faggot.
El Aìnsley merely grumbles before lifting his face and turning his neck so the sand covered mask is pointed directly at his partner.
El Aìnsley: You... really need to learn how countries work, man. I don't think you have the basics figured out just yet.
El Gran Grande: Well I think that you think stupid ass thoughts. And since the only things that I know are true are the things I, myself perceive then you must think stupid ass thoughts.
El Aìnsley: That's rude. And kinda wrong.
El Gran Grande: Nope actually completely right. 1. Because I said it was and 2. Because it's a real thing that's actually been scientifically proven. It's called Solipsism. Basically everything that exists was creates by my mind. Even you yourself are put a figment of my genius, super brain. Therefore I literally cannot be wrong because I'm pretty much a god of this world. Which I was beforehand but now I'm like... double God?
El Aìnsley: Demi-God?
El Gran Grande: No, that's the- that's the complete opposite of what I mean. I know what you're gonna ask "El Gran Grande, if you made the world why am I such a whiny little Hong Kong fuckwad? Me being El Aìnsley" and the truth is I have no fucking clue.
I owe my brain a lot of shits, breathing, knowing how to walk, knowing how to run.. uh... maybe like eating although that's more of like a teeth job. I guess they good for when I headbutt people that's about it really.
I like my brain man, he's a good guy, he tries his best, but he is gorilla fucking garbage, unfortunately. He's just kinda useless in a lot of areas, he lacks convenience. Honestly he's lucky I'm like the brains of the operation, or else we'd be going nowhere.
El Aìnsley: El Gran Grande, can you please.. pl- please! Just think about the words you're going to say before you say them. It's a suprisingly deterrent towards.. saying dumb shit.
El Gran Grande: Thinking using the brain which I just said is gorilla fucking garbage, El Aìnsley? Cause that's not gonna work. Honestly dawg, it's not even my fault. If you feel so fucked about it I can always get openart surgery to yeet that bitch out of there, but I lack the time-
El Aìnsley: 'Openart'?
El Gran Grande: -the funds and the time to do that! It probably only sucks because of my epic gamer cocaine addiction and numerous concussions but like.. that's not anything to do with me either. I've tried to set the guy up for Drugs Anonymous but... he hasn't got ears so he's not gonna hear what they say anyway-
El Aìnsley: What if YOU went to narcotics anonymous? I tried to send you there a month ago and then you screamed, did a shoot and left. Medical appointments aren't just your excuse to complain about WCF Wrestlers to a doctor, you know.
El Gran Grande, Correct, their an excuse to inject me with homosexuality and I refuse to have anything to do with anything of the sort, got it?! Now listen up, my brain has a problem that needs fixing and you are pretty much the only person that can solve it.
El Aìnsley's eyes flicker open and his arms quickly flip him over in an almost too enthusiastic manner. El Aìnsley turns his body onto the side and look at El Gran Grande, slouched over and panting heavily like an overweight zombie.
El Gran Grande: You know I was thinking of John Rabid earlier. Obviously before I made my super secret oath to be a Spainard forever so I wouldn't be arrested. But like I also made an oath to be British forever like 8 months before that so, have I betrayed or not?
I mean John Rabid even agreeing to have a match with me is sort of commiting high treason against the national union of me, which is the best national... unio- look whatever!
Honestly? I don't even feel comfortable doing this shoot! John Rabid has been quite a nice guy to me and I just feel kinda bad when I use my smart, witty vocabulary to absolutely destroy his entire life and face.
El Aìnsley: Well maybe don't shoot. Just talk like a normal fucking person for once.
El Gran Grande: ..
......
N-
No- see, I've already been betrayed once. Back I the day I'd use to offer myself out as security. Out of the goodness of my own heart! And how was my benevolence repaid? By Stephen Singh absolutely, heartlessly, betraying me! After he didn't forgive me for siding with his rival and beating him up!
Whi-
Which wasn't my fault! Me and him were still cool before he started to blame ME for it! ME! THE MOST INNOCENT MAN!
El Aìnsley: Why would he forgive you if you heartlessly betrayed him?
El Gran Grande: ...
...
I-
..
Li- like basically then I teamed up with John Rabid. He introduced me to the greatness of the Great Britain, it was so good! There was-.. the- honestly I don't really remember much but I do remember it being a Great Britain! Me and Rabid and some other Hungarian guy were on top of the world!
El Aìnsley: Man, what the f-.. the fuck?! I've been teaming with your bitch ass for almost to years now.
El Gran Grande: That's got- that's got nothing to do with my story. A- a- at all. At all.
BUT THEN?! Once again I'm betrayed! John Rabid fucking poofs of the face of the earth after losing his world title against SJW! Seth Lerch does too, so I can't even do a freaking authority security thing! Plus Singh wins the world title! Which is even fucking worse cause he was doing a culty shit and like-.. I mean- it would've been cool if he'd asked but he DIDN'T! CAUSE HE'S A DUMBFACE NERDHEAD!
Do you wanna know what I fucking die after you abandoned me Rabid? I lost all my fucking championships and I got the fucking dick for 2 months straight and then I went to jail.
Does that sounds fun?
I'd rather be fucking locked in a barn then have to go through that shit again!
And now I'm fucking getting put through rings, harassed by Estrella Luiz on the internet even though I CLEARLY speak fluid Spanish, breaking into fucking Zip Wingdinger's house then GETTING DICK KICKED AGAIN?! IT'S FUUUUUUUCKED!
You abandoned me, Britain abandoned me, you know how many calls I got from the queen after I got arrested? None. Not one! Not even a "Hey William, you like made our country and all so I'm gonna actually not be a really mean, ignorant person" BUT THATS WHAT THEY SAID AT ALL BECAUSE SHE WAS A MEAN, IGNORANT PERSON.
You clipped my fucking wings and you didn't even realise you had the scissors! But an angel is not defined by it's ability to fly, rather it's affect on those around it. And I've had quite the effect on the one person who's opinion ACTUALLY matters!
Me.
I've reminded myself that I am without a doubt the single most impressive, amazing, indescribably glorious human being in the history if CARBON BASED LIFE! And by comparison you're all just mantises hopping around my feet! And if somebody were to nuke those mantiaes to extinction well then more room for me!
John Rabid, I respected you. You were like a mentor, a much smaller but with a lot more cooler clothes and you had a cool accent. But the time has come for respect to die. I face all my WCF opponents with the exact same emotion. Pure, unconditional hatred.
It just comes naturally. You're all just so small. So... not Spanish. And who am I to deny mother nature? I'm simply doing what comes naturally! You can't blame me for that. And if you do I'll claim you betrayed me and complain about it on Twitter for 3 weeks.
It's unfortunate it had to come to this. I'm the best wrestler in the entirety of the world so I'm obviously gonna win in like -12 quadraseconds. But that's just what I do.
Me and you are on equal ground now, Rabid. Which, as always, means I'm looking down on you. And it's not a very Spanish view.
Bueno Day.
Turn el camera off Ainsley.
El Aìnsley: Was- was I supposed to be recording?
El Gran Grande's head bobbles in shock and he turns and furrows his eyes at his partner. Words begin attempting to form themselves before El Gran Grande stands up and allows his blind, stupid rage to work it's diplomatic skills.
El Gran Grande: Pa-bu-bu-b-b- WHAAAT?! I WAS USING "YOU"! OBVIOUSLY I'M SHOOTING IF I'M USING "YOU" ITS COMMON SENSE!
El Aìnsley: But you were saying shit about William the Behemoth. Who you 'aren't'.
El Gran Grande: Who- who the fuck is "William the Behemoth" I'M ON ABOUT MYSELF DIPSHIT! THAT'S WHY I USED "ME" BECAUSE I'M TALKING ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEE!
El Aìnsley's mouth falls open in a dumbfounded retaliation before El Gran Grande starts to angrily stomp off, muttering the words "angry Spanish" over and over again.
El Aìnsley groans before headbutting the sand again, his soul finally corroded into grammatically incorrect mush.