Roleplay: Debut of a Star
Hander: Estrella Luiz
Overall thoughts: Sugar, Spice, and Everything nice, just needs to add Chemical X.
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Rating Overview
Scene Description: 3
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 1
Flow: 3
RATING: 2.75 of 5
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CRITICAL REVIEW
Estrella Luiz is a breath of fresh air in terms of personality. She knows who she is and what she wants, but she isn't a jerk about it. I would like to see more of her accent and second guessing language barrier bit, but maybe thats just me. Her roots and upbringing seem to be something that will later come into play but right now, I just like the foreshadowing. It seems she is well known in Mexico but it also seems her family name is what is well known rather than her, that puts a spin on things seeing as she claims to be from a small town in Mexico. Typically small towns aren't home to wealthy folks but I will wait and see how that pans out. I can honestly say I giggled at the thought that her dad thinks Trump will tear her apart, but there was no follow up to that lol
Scene Description:
You paint a beautiful picture but it seems to be more alive when she was at home than when she was at the arena. I felt like I was in their home at first but then when she was talking to Hank Brown I just felt like she was telling me what their conversation went like. Maybe it's the way it was set up or maybe it was the way she interacted with her surroundings.
Character Development:
I like that this RP explained why even though she is so nice and so humble, she still had the audacity to go against her parents wishes. That's a dynamic hard to pull off because often times one doesn't go with the other. But here it made sense. What I would like to see is how being so nice will benefit her in the ring. She might fight for honor and respect, but does she even have a mean bone in her body to take someone out?
Shoot:
I understand it will be extremely difficult to properly shoot on someone using an overly nice person. In my personal journey here I've found it hard to shoot with the Noble side of my character so I have to really dig more into the Savage, but that's something that I found a sweet spot in recently. What I do is allow Noble to be patronizing and condescending, and that works. Maybe try to dig into the personality more and understand how someone so nice would successfully sound threatening to deal with in the squared circle. She doesn't have to be mean to be a problem. Remember, positive people don't need to be soft.
Flow:
I honestly felt like you wrote the first half in a completely different mindset than the second. I don't know if that was deliberate but it almost felt off. The rhetoric and the flow really changed tempo quite a bit between the first scene and the second. Maybe that's your way of changing the ambience, or maybe you simply wrote this on two separate occasions. Hard to tell. But the consistency of description and style of speaking is very important. I felt like you were rushing the reader to finish during your second half, while in the first you made sure to take your time luring us in.
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SUGGESTIONS
Find a sweet spot with Estrella, I'm sure you will. Learn to damage your opponents without being mean, that sounds tricky but like I said, it's not impossible.
Feel free to elaborate on what it is exactly that she intends to do in the ring. Let us know what makes her so sure that she will win. It's not the same to say "I will win this week because I'm a good competitor" than it is to say "I've trained with the best, and I refuse to let them down." or something like that.
Since part of her persona is that she is a sweetheart, it will be hard to dig in and shoot on people so if I may suggest, build on her honor and discipline, and don't be afraid to show pride. Have her praise her abilities and maybe even apologize in advance for your inevitable win.
I got a little too excited on two separate occasions here: first was when she said that the negativity in the locker room made her sad, I thought you would elaborate on feeling sad for the wrestlers that will eventually have to retire because of you or something lol that's a thought you can maybe play with. And the second was when you mentioned studying Adam's matches because he had many and he can't study yours because you haven't had. I thought you would go on to say things like he has no idea what to expect form you or that wcf has no mold or model to compare estrella to, or maybe even that estrella has a unique fresh style that has no precedence. I feel that expounding on those points could have made the shoot a bit stronger.
Bottom line. There isn't too much room for improvement, outside of the shoot area. But you will find Estrella's sweet spot and it will be perfect.