Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 15:15:15 GMT -5
I know I posted a joint rp but a lot of my ideas went into it. Could I please get some feedback.. what you liked and disliked? Thanks, trying to get better
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Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 20, 2018 18:44:02 GMT -5
I can. I got nothin goin on. Give me like.. idk half hour?
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Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 20, 2018 19:22:21 GMT -5
Roleplay: Darkness Rises
Handler: Lili Rose
Overview Thoughts: Short promo, interesting characters, good scene set up and hinderd by length.
BREAKDOWN
Scene Description: 4
Character Development: 2
Shoot: 3
Flow: 5
RATING: 3.5 of 5
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CRITICAL REVIEW
So the promo scored high in my boxes but it is very short. I think I read that you clocked it at 2300 words. You can pack a lot into that much if you wanted but it did not happen in this piece. We get very good scene description that leads into the story of Jesis Cryst and Lili Rose and that was a nice tid bit then we get into the match content and that was a nice tidbit.
Overall it was a nice tid bit and that's where it falls short. Theres not enough here to drive the promo either way. The interactions were nice in the first scene but there wasnt enough. Same thing wit the match content, there wasnt enough. You had a decent amount but it feels as though you’re cutting yourself off. I get the sense of being underwhelmed, that you were either hurt for time or something came up. It feels rushed and at 2300 words, it shows. Its a shame you couldnt spend more time on the piece, it would have been a lot better.
The shoot was fine, you at least spent a fair amount of time on Teo and Dynamo but even that isnt enugh. I’m sure its a broken record at this point but if this was 3k and more shoot focused or even a half/half split, the promo would be much better. I don’t see any glaring faults, the shoots was par, the scene description was good. The flow was fine. It’s all there but not structured in a way to be benefited by the short word count.
The promo is by numbers more shoot focused with your ON CAMERA scene but it feels like a 50/50 and not in a god way. I feel as though if you knew you had a time crunch or idea church and you were strugglin for word count and content that the promo could have been structured differently. I can look at the piece and go: ‘ ok, this should be between 3- 5K’ and it would be really solid and well built but that doenst happen.
I wish that it was but for the content that was there, to expand on the shoot would have been better too with the shorter wordcount. 200 more words of shoot either
A sounds like a lot more
Or
B not enough more
In this case it would have been prolly been a struggle for you, I feel but it would have added so much more. But what you presented to the reader was alright. In terms of quality and content. Just dont expect a promo like that to carry you through tougher matches, even though I think that you could win with a similar promo vs dynamo and teo
But that's cuz teos a flake and dynamo seems disinterested in this one man army thing he has to pull
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Suggestions
If you’re gonna keep in the lower word count ( for whatever reason ) pick and choose what you say and how you say it and what should be included. The starting scene set up was 7% of your entire rp. That's the extra 150 words you could have used to put Lili Rose over this week. Its a tough balance but do your best to find it.
Flesh out characters more in scene. You gave good character motivations with Jesis and Lili but that could have gone elsewhere. The ‘chosen one’ gimmicks are tough because theres a lot of waiting and stringing then often times, lackluster pay off.
Expand your match relevance. You did alright but everything was alright.
Grabbing attention. I think your pieces would benefit from you identifying what you want Lili to be or portray. I see Lili as freaked out by her situation and that's it. Its gross and weird and she possesses little to zero character traits to deal with it. Make the audience WANT to read a Lili Rose promo. Cuz right now, you and Noble Savage are in the same boat in regards to getting that attention past a week.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 19:46:27 GMT -5
Odin BalforeThank you for the feedback, personal stuff came up this week and I was rushed. I didn’t realize it was that noticeable. I’m gonna take your advice for my next post. 💕
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Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 20, 2018 19:50:51 GMT -5
Odin BalforeThank you for the feedback, personal stuff came up this week and I was rushed. I didn’t realize it was that noticeable. I’m gonna take your advice for my next post. 💕 To an avg person its not really notiable but i can tell cuz ik what my rps looked when rushed.
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