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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 17:35:02 GMT -5
This is my first Kennedy RP in about Three years. I'd like to know what everyone thinks of it! Thank you in advance.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 19:56:53 GMT -5
Bump. Really would like some feedback
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Post by Noble Savage on Aug 20, 2018 10:57:11 GMT -5
Bump. Really would like some feedback Since I loved the way Odin Balfore critiqued my RP I'm gonna go ahead and do yours using his review as a template. Give me a couple of minutes.
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Post by Noble Savage on Aug 20, 2018 12:18:11 GMT -5
Ok here I go This is my first Kennedy RP in about Three years. I'd like to know what everyone thinks of it! Thank you in advance. Roleplay: The Princess Diaries Chapter 1 Hander: Kennedy Matthews Overall thoughts: a strong establishment for an ego-driven character, but falls victim to its own desultory. Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 3 Flow: 2 RATING: 3.5 of 5 CRITICAL REVIEW I am an instant fan of Kennedy Matthews although she is clearly heel, I love it. You did a wonderful job of driving the point home that she believes she is better than everyone only because she probably is. There were moments while reading that I found myself overwhelmed by the changing tense, you would say "was" and "is" and that made it difficult to figure out if this was happening in present time or if it was a flashback being recalled. The scene descriptions are not bad but minor details could be made more clear, for example, I had to go back and re-read a few times when she went outside the second time because I was still under the impression she was inside. The description was there but it felt vague. Same when she ended the phone call and tossed her phone in the seat of her rental. It felt dismissive in description and that little detail could have been made a bigger deal to transition into her next statements. And the little tiny moment when you went from talking ABOUT royce to talking TO royce, it could have been spaced out to make it more clear. Flow: There are some excellent elements in your story arch and scenery, but it feels like the cinematography itself lends itself to Kennedys "I'm too good for this" attitude and it starts to feel like nothing really matters yet. The way you go from saying "he" to saying "you" and the way you go from saying "went" to saying "goes" can be a little damaging to the way the RP flows, it is really good but loses a lot of its shine because of this. Shoot: Your shoot on Dominic royce was strong and concise. You let him have as much as you could without compromising your roleplay mission of being a spoiled rich girl. Development: This I feel is your strong point. You have a death grip on who exactly this girl is and the personality is felt. Her sister helps push things along in a very natural way as well. It makes me want to see more from her as she comes into her own. Description : Your scene descriptions are good. I hope to see more vivid and gripping descriptions but that's just me. Not too many people like to go crazy when describing what the inside of a rental car would feel like to a girl who apparently wouldn't dare put her butt where someone else has put it before lol SUGGESTION Keep doing what you're doing because it is great, just be very mindful of when you are addressing the people that want to see you fight and when you're addressing the people you are GOING to fight. Also stay in one tense, try to avoid hopping back and forth between present and past tense. For example: If I was to say "She sat there and bites her nails as she waits impatiently." It sounds fine and all, but the right way would be "She sat there biting her nails as she waited impatiently." It's subtle but it makes for a much easier to read experience. Anyway, I'm no pro. I feel like I have a lot to learn from you and everyone else here but what I am saying in this critique is just my opinion and I mean no disrespect whatsoever if I am in no position to throw my newbie two cents in lol keep up the great work though.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 19:39:45 GMT -5
Thanks Noble. I appreciate it
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Post by Deleted on Aug 20, 2018 20:28:41 GMT -5
Anymore?
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Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 20, 2018 21:36:06 GMT -5
Roleplay: Princess Diaries: chapter One
Handler: Kennedy Matthews
Overview Thougts: A good intro promo
BREAKDOWN
Scene Description: 3
Character Development: 4
Shoot: 3
Flow: 3
RATING: 3 of 5
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CRITICAL REVIEW
So debuts suck. I’mma just throw that out there. To start off the piece we get a decent overview of Kennedys character then we get to see that character on display with the back and forth with hank brown. That was sorta enjoyable and slightly irritating in the sense that IF Kennedy was this big star she would book her own room but then we wouldnt get the development, so thumbs up there. The dynamic between the sisters was solid and we see the difference between them rather than you just telling us at the beginning. You try to counter the troupe of being a bimbo, I found that amusing because its rarely brought up in a counter argument within the promo so that was cool. Everything is very well put together and very well paced. There is not much to be critical on. The only thing I can be nit-picky with is the shoot ( god, am I nit-picky with shoot.) Its all there, it works, it does what it needs to but to me, shoot is a death blow. And I didnt see it. Overall, a fine debut promo but nothing leaps out at me and gets my attention. Characters like this are hard to write.
Scene Description: a lot of good in this. You have a firm grasp of what needs to be said without over explaining but there is room for improvement as even though its well put together, you could have added finer details Character Development: You put Kennedy on display and was very up front about her gimmick, her personality, her thoughts and interactions with different people. It could have used a a reason why shes in WCF but its not a deal breaker.
Shoot: I’m known to slay people when it comes to their shoot and this is no different. I felt you went the long way around to say “1.. 2.. 3 “ Even though you did say that. However you expanded upon it. I like that. With that said, I never got the feeling that Kennedy was capable. Confident characters don’t always make for capable wrestlers. I'll disagree with Noble, I don't think your shoot was on point. I think it has potential but it wasnt shown here.
“I’m cocky and I’m a princess and I’m going to win because I’m better than you and I’m from ENGLAND.”
Cool story. Not good shoot.
Flow: Its hard to mess this up. I did some re-reading when it came to transitions and beats but it happens. Nothing was wonky or out of place, though. The feel of the promo was paced well and you gave things ample time ( like the intro and the phone call.) The spacing was good too. Its clear you’ve done this a while but that you're rusty.
like I said, over all, this was very solid for a promo but debuts suck lol
given that this is your debut and you have 5k to play with in total, you could have ( and i think should have ) used 200 more words to flesh out why Kennedy is in WCF and motivations aside from "I'm here to win"
another 200 for concentrated shoot would have helped too.
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Suggestions
Isnt much to suggest. Elaborate on your match content and you’ll be golden. There is no technical tweaking that I see needing done. You’ll get your footing and you’ll grow as you need it. watch the flow and beats ( Kennedy goes outside, Kennedy picks up a cup ). anything where the reader has to go back or wants to skip around - no good.
characters like this are hard to write. Make sure you're hittin good development and not just cliches or else you can trap yourself and you'll be another cocky prodigy character and no ones going to care.
use the word cap. 5k is upper limit in making mid length rps. There is legit nothing you cant convey in 5k. Dont hinder yourself with anything under 3k if you can help it
give the read something to latch onto. A fault, a fear, a miscue, something. make us want to read. Again, its easy to make gimmicks like this a hard pass for readers
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Post by Deleted on Aug 21, 2018 1:06:11 GMT -5
Odin it means a lot. Since joining as the Lesbian Alliance I have been in awe of your skills. I will take this and make the necessary adjustments next week
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