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Post by Dominic Royce on Aug 14, 2018 20:18:57 GMT -5
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Post by Noble Savage on Aug 14, 2018 23:00:57 GMT -5
I'm reading through it right now and it honestly feels like I am watching a movie. You're very descriptive in your narrative, which I like very much, it makes the scene very easy to envision. I like the philosophical approach your character has, and I look forward to more of his intellect.
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Post by Dominic Royce on Aug 15, 2018 4:25:55 GMT -5
Thank you. I try to make the experience as cinematic as possible to be honest. I want you to see the character and how he reacts/engages with certain situations, as well as using wrestling as the neat little bow to tie everything together.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2018 16:41:36 GMT -5
I'm almost reluctant to give you the advice that I'm about to give you because I'm also new to WCF, and I come from a corner of the e-fed community where, since 2006, we've been writing in a very minimalist, naked-shoot style that seems to be the exact opposite of what most people here in WCF are writing and, presumably, what they like to read.
That being said, at least in the part of the e-fed world I come from, you have the exact writing style that often lends itself to naked-shoot writers. What I mean by that is that if you took all of the blue sections out of your RP, and left just the dialogue in orange, the RP is still very strong.
One of the mistakes people make when looking at naked-shoot writers is that they are all trash-talk with no character development, largely because we've been trained in e-fedding to see shoot as shoot and character development as 3rd person prose scenes that accompany the shoot. The fact is, really good shoot writers can develop their character just as well as prose writers simply buy cutting the type of promos that develop character through straight monolouge... a skill it's clear you have. Furthermore, the fact that your character has a set identity already rings true through his words, even if you remove all of the scene dressing.
It's not a style for everyone, it's not a style everyone enjoys reading, not a style everyone enjoys writing and not a style that flies in every promotion. That said, because it is the style I enjoy most, I like to point out when I think others would be good at it if they gave it a go, and it's clear to me that you would be. Either way, keep up the good work and I'll keep reading.
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Post by Dominic Royce on Aug 17, 2018 18:40:12 GMT -5
Thanks. I definitely get what you mean to be honest, but from a personal standpoint: Straight shoot style without any description tends to feel monotonous and doesn't really convey emotion all that well. Or allow you to envision the setting. Like, I have no issues with it personally, but it's just not my personal taste in writing. I will consider it though.
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Post by Odin Balfore on Aug 22, 2018 16:34:48 GMT -5
Roleplay: Unraveling Vanity
Hander: Royce
Overall thoughts: Monotonous
Rating Overview
Scene Description: 3
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 3
Flow: 2
RATING: 3 of 5
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CRITICAL REVIEW
I’m confused because I’ve seen you mention twice that naked shoot is monotonous as if its a hindrance but this promo was was dull. This promo in and of its self was a dark room promo. It was in fact, straight naked shoot. Now, I’m guilty of this myself but in your case, there was no redeeming qualities in the piece except for its technicalities. Royce sat on the couch and I don’t think he moved other that to laugh or smile or pretend you had a pen and paper. And you talked. And you talked and talked about psychology? Alright. I kept waiting for you to jazz things up but it never happened.
You write 26 hundred words of sitting on the couch with only simple beats and it comes off dull. I found myself skipping to the part where you get up and give us a tour and tell us finer details but that never happened. One of wrestling renowned highest rising stars.. Sat on a couch.. At home and accomplished nothing.
Don’t get me wrong, its good development, Royce is a psychological-ego- jerk kinda guy. I get that picture but the promo crawled like Alaska paint. At least the shoot was a good part of the promo and it was well done for what you did but i still felt it kind of shallow and empty. I’m harsh with shoot and not everyone feels the same but at the end of the day, its going to win you the match, not Royce talking about psychology ( although it does help ). Even at the low word count, I found it to be a tough read. But hey, I’ll give it to you, maybe that's just how the character is and he’s supposed to be that but it was a tough go, honestly.
Scene Description: I found to be adequate and useful. You got your major beats and points across without giving me the history of trees. I got just what I needed from it.
Character Development: I thought you shined with this. As boring as I feel you presented royce, I get that its kinda the deal. You talked about goals of being a doctor then thought ‘ hey, this aint bad’ and you gave your character the ability to do both, be a wrestler and do psychological things. So that worked really well.
Shoot: So theres more than one style of shoot. Psych is def a good style for it and is a unique approach that not many do and fewer have mastered. I don’t feel as though you’ve mastered it from what I’ve seen in this promo but you have a decent understanding of it. With more work and as the weeks go by, I expect this will open up and you’ll give us more detailed focus when you shoot.
Flow: I think you fell off the wagon and a excellent promo became a middle ground type of promo. I found myself wanting to skip and look for where the promo was going and what you’ll be doing and if the piece picks up but it didnt. I feel as though this dragged super hard and it hurt the promo. The promo setting was bland ( which isnt bad ) but you didnt do much to help it. Royce sat in a chair and showed us that hes a smarky asshole. A reader should enjoy that. Unfortunately I did not.
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SUGGESTIONS
Again, I get that Royce maybe should be boring but try to be boring without being boring if that makes sense. I’ve seen every kind of character that you can think of and in WCF, we get everything. From fish stick salesmen to oil meter readers, to coked up madmen, the 26 year old billionaires and robots. You can make Royce be psychological and not bore people to tears while doing it. If you want to continue that way its your choice but people might tune out. Give the reader something to chew on while your expelling jargon.
Other than the flow the feeling slow and boring, the other aspects were fine.
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