Post by Jonny Fly on Apr 14, 2017 15:26:50 GMT -5
The scene is black.
Not like darkness outside black, no, it’s just a close up of Steve Orbit* sitting on an airplane. Orbit is wearing…mink**? Is that still something that people wear? I really don’t know. It’s the opinion of this narrator that Steve Orbit is wearing a mink coat, along with his standard feather hat, gator boots, gator belt, and black leggings. Just kidding on that last part. Those are clearly leather, but if the image of Steve Orbit wearing some LuLaRoe shit is in your brain right now, you’re welcome. If you don’t know what LuLaRoe is, you’re lucky…and clearly single.
Back to what's going on with this airplane scene. Let’s keep talking about this mink jacket. This thing easily takes up both of those tiny fuckin’ airplane seats. It's huge. In fact, right now Orbit is gazing in a hostile manner at the 50 something year old Asian women sitting next to him. Said jacket and said Asian are touching ever so slightly, right around the leg area, and it’s making our friend Steven very angry. As we watch this comedy play out, our airplane announcement machine graces us with it’s presence, remarking…
“Dear passengers. We thank you for flying United Airlines 3411, with service from Chicago to Louisville. Unfortunately, due to our airlines number one goal of making as much money as humanly possible this flight has been overbooked. If there are any passengers willing to take a later flight to their destination, United would be happy to offer a $800 voucher for future United flights, free hotel stay, and meals, while you wait for your next flight. For any passengers who want to take us up on this generous offer, please press your call sign and a flight attendant will come meet you.”
Okay, fuck all that noise. Let’s get back to Orbit. Man, he’s just about to rear back that pimp hand and smack the shit out of this bitch. Alas, he’s interrupted by sexy airline announcer voice…
“Ladies and gentlemen, we do have to make room on this plane for a few people. They may or may not be United employees who are the crew of a plane taking off in a few hours, at our next stop in Louisville. We would just hate to inconvenience those poor Louisvillians – so their happiness, and our ability to make money off them, come before your convenience of taking the flight you paid for and the seat you are currently sitting in. If there are not volunteers, we will be forced to select a few passengers at random to deboard.”
Man, this flight announcer is really getting in the way of a good scene here. Let’s recap where we’re at. Steve Orbit, of chewing gum and pimping fame, is about to tangle with the sneakiest and devious of mammals – a middle aged, sad, quiet, lonely, Asian lady. At the present moment, Steve Orbit has just taken off all of his rings, so as to not damage them on the dense and brutish cheekbones of his Asian antagonist. He quietly slides the rings into the pocket of his leather pants (or leggings, if you prefer) and then turns his shoulders to face his naughty neighbor. He raises his right hand, and just as he’s about to deliver a nuclear strike that would make North Korea disintegrate…
“Sir…”
A shadow has cast over Steven from the airplane’s aisle way. He lowers his hand, and spins all the way around to see a large man standing in front of him. This man has a clipboard in hand and is holding it in front of his eyes, temporarily blocking us from seeing his identity.
Orbit: Man, what the fuck do you want? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of some shit right here?
The man slowly lowers the clipboard to reveal…Jonny Fly. With a devious smile on his face, Fly returns his half-brothers kind greeting.
Fly: Steve!
Orbit: What the fuck? Fly? What are you doing here?
Fly: Bro, this is where I work.
Orbit: What? You some flight attendant or some shit?
Fly: Fuck no. I’m security.
Fly takes a second to point to a patch on his shirt that read ‘United Airlines Security Officer.’
Orbit: You some airplane cop? Damn son, what the hell happened to you?
Fly: Nah man, this is the best job ever. I can just literally beat the shit out of anyone I want. You should have seen me on Sunday. I destroyed some little Vietnamese dude. All I did was pull him out of his seat and now all of a sudden, he needs reconstructive surgery or some shit. I don’t know. Don’t care. Fly always wins in the end, right?
Orbit: Wait, hold on. You saying that shit was you that’s all over the news?
Fly: Fuck yeah, bro. I’m telling you, I’ve been living in Chicago for the last year and just beating the fuckin’ hell out of a bunch of airplane jobbers. It’s the best gig I’ve ever had. United pays me a shit ton of money, too. We bond over our mutual hate for people. I think one of these days they’re going to give me my own airplane.
Orbit: Man, this shit is crazy. I can’t believe you been doin’ this the whole time.
Fly: But look man, down to business. This is awkward and all, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the plane. We have to make space for a couple of people who are more important.
Orbit: HOLD UP…
Fly: Yeah, I’m sorry. These United guys, they don’t like to fuck around. They need space on this flight. They have some algorithm and shit that picks who they kick off a plane in situations like this, and it flagged you. You need to get your things and get off. We can accommodate you later in the day on another flight, maybe…I mean, probably…
Orbit: BRO. I have to get to Louisville. I’ve been talkin’ to this bitch on Bumble who – get this – just turned 18 yesterday. Her parents got her a horse, and she rode that motherfucker until she broke her hymen. A virgin, without the bloodbath, who wants to get the full ‘Mack’ experience, you know what I’m saying.
Fly: She got a sister?
Orbit: I don’t think so.
Fly: Well…then you’re going to have to get off the plane.
Orbit: COME ON DUDE! What the fuck kind of algorithm you got anyway? This is a first-class fuckin’ seat, you can’t be treating people like this.
Fly: Alright, two things. Just being real with you here. One, we don’t care about people. I already told you that. Two, the algorithm doesn’t take into account ticket price, it focuses on things like who buys the most tickets…
Orbit: …I fly all the damn time!
Fly: …who has cancelled or missed previous flights…
Orbit: …I’ve never cancelled, or missed a flight, in my entire life…
Fly: …race and ethnicity...
Orbit: OH. There it is. Now I get it. I’m being kicked off this fuckin’ plane because I’m black. Is that right?
Fly: It’s an algorithm! There’s no way to know for sure. Look, I don’t want to have to beat your ass. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I need you to get off this plane. That chick will still be a virgin by the time another flight to Louisville is ready.
Orbit: I can’t even believe you doin’ this shit to me. For real, we haven’t seen each other in how many ever months and we are reuniting by you kickin’ me off a fuckin’ plane when I’m trying to go get some female company. This shit is low, even for you.
With that, Orbit rises from out of his seat. He reaches into the overhead bin and pulls out an alligator skin travel bag. Upon grabbing the bag, he stares at Fly for a brief second, shakes his head, and then begins walking to the front of the plane. Fly follows him to ensure he exits the plane. At the front door now, just as he’s about to walk through back to the terminal, Fly calls out.
Fly: Hey Steve.
Orbit turns around to face his half-brother.
Fly: I miss you. I really do.
Orbit: Man, fuck you.
…and with that, Steve Orbit disappears and Jonny Fly goes back to beating up people on planes in Chicago. That's it. That's all there is to see here. Until next time...
*Use of the Steve Orbit character done without permission of his owner.
**The author condemns the senseless slaughter of minks for use in Steve Orbit’s wardrobe.
Not like darkness outside black, no, it’s just a close up of Steve Orbit* sitting on an airplane. Orbit is wearing…mink**? Is that still something that people wear? I really don’t know. It’s the opinion of this narrator that Steve Orbit is wearing a mink coat, along with his standard feather hat, gator boots, gator belt, and black leggings. Just kidding on that last part. Those are clearly leather, but if the image of Steve Orbit wearing some LuLaRoe shit is in your brain right now, you’re welcome. If you don’t know what LuLaRoe is, you’re lucky…and clearly single.
Back to what's going on with this airplane scene. Let’s keep talking about this mink jacket. This thing easily takes up both of those tiny fuckin’ airplane seats. It's huge. In fact, right now Orbit is gazing in a hostile manner at the 50 something year old Asian women sitting next to him. Said jacket and said Asian are touching ever so slightly, right around the leg area, and it’s making our friend Steven very angry. As we watch this comedy play out, our airplane announcement machine graces us with it’s presence, remarking…
“Dear passengers. We thank you for flying United Airlines 3411, with service from Chicago to Louisville. Unfortunately, due to our airlines number one goal of making as much money as humanly possible this flight has been overbooked. If there are any passengers willing to take a later flight to their destination, United would be happy to offer a $800 voucher for future United flights, free hotel stay, and meals, while you wait for your next flight. For any passengers who want to take us up on this generous offer, please press your call sign and a flight attendant will come meet you.”
Okay, fuck all that noise. Let’s get back to Orbit. Man, he’s just about to rear back that pimp hand and smack the shit out of this bitch. Alas, he’s interrupted by sexy airline announcer voice…
“Ladies and gentlemen, we do have to make room on this plane for a few people. They may or may not be United employees who are the crew of a plane taking off in a few hours, at our next stop in Louisville. We would just hate to inconvenience those poor Louisvillians – so their happiness, and our ability to make money off them, come before your convenience of taking the flight you paid for and the seat you are currently sitting in. If there are not volunteers, we will be forced to select a few passengers at random to deboard.”
Man, this flight announcer is really getting in the way of a good scene here. Let’s recap where we’re at. Steve Orbit, of chewing gum and pimping fame, is about to tangle with the sneakiest and devious of mammals – a middle aged, sad, quiet, lonely, Asian lady. At the present moment, Steve Orbit has just taken off all of his rings, so as to not damage them on the dense and brutish cheekbones of his Asian antagonist. He quietly slides the rings into the pocket of his leather pants (or leggings, if you prefer) and then turns his shoulders to face his naughty neighbor. He raises his right hand, and just as he’s about to deliver a nuclear strike that would make North Korea disintegrate…
“Sir…”
A shadow has cast over Steven from the airplane’s aisle way. He lowers his hand, and spins all the way around to see a large man standing in front of him. This man has a clipboard in hand and is holding it in front of his eyes, temporarily blocking us from seeing his identity.
Orbit: Man, what the fuck do you want? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of some shit right here?
The man slowly lowers the clipboard to reveal…Jonny Fly. With a devious smile on his face, Fly returns his half-brothers kind greeting.
Fly: Steve!
Orbit: What the fuck? Fly? What are you doing here?
Fly: Bro, this is where I work.
Orbit: What? You some flight attendant or some shit?
Fly: Fuck no. I’m security.
Fly takes a second to point to a patch on his shirt that read ‘United Airlines Security Officer.’
Orbit: You some airplane cop? Damn son, what the hell happened to you?
Fly: Nah man, this is the best job ever. I can just literally beat the shit out of anyone I want. You should have seen me on Sunday. I destroyed some little Vietnamese dude. All I did was pull him out of his seat and now all of a sudden, he needs reconstructive surgery or some shit. I don’t know. Don’t care. Fly always wins in the end, right?
Orbit: Wait, hold on. You saying that shit was you that’s all over the news?
Fly: Fuck yeah, bro. I’m telling you, I’ve been living in Chicago for the last year and just beating the fuckin’ hell out of a bunch of airplane jobbers. It’s the best gig I’ve ever had. United pays me a shit ton of money, too. We bond over our mutual hate for people. I think one of these days they’re going to give me my own airplane.
Orbit: Man, this shit is crazy. I can’t believe you been doin’ this the whole time.
Fly: But look man, down to business. This is awkward and all, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the plane. We have to make space for a couple of people who are more important.
Orbit: HOLD UP…
Fly: Yeah, I’m sorry. These United guys, they don’t like to fuck around. They need space on this flight. They have some algorithm and shit that picks who they kick off a plane in situations like this, and it flagged you. You need to get your things and get off. We can accommodate you later in the day on another flight, maybe…I mean, probably…
Orbit: BRO. I have to get to Louisville. I’ve been talkin’ to this bitch on Bumble who – get this – just turned 18 yesterday. Her parents got her a horse, and she rode that motherfucker until she broke her hymen. A virgin, without the bloodbath, who wants to get the full ‘Mack’ experience, you know what I’m saying.
Fly: She got a sister?
Orbit: I don’t think so.
Fly: Well…then you’re going to have to get off the plane.
Orbit: COME ON DUDE! What the fuck kind of algorithm you got anyway? This is a first-class fuckin’ seat, you can’t be treating people like this.
Fly: Alright, two things. Just being real with you here. One, we don’t care about people. I already told you that. Two, the algorithm doesn’t take into account ticket price, it focuses on things like who buys the most tickets…
Orbit: …I fly all the damn time!
Fly: …who has cancelled or missed previous flights…
Orbit: …I’ve never cancelled, or missed a flight, in my entire life…
Fly: …race and ethnicity...
Orbit: OH. There it is. Now I get it. I’m being kicked off this fuckin’ plane because I’m black. Is that right?
Fly: It’s an algorithm! There’s no way to know for sure. Look, I don’t want to have to beat your ass. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I need you to get off this plane. That chick will still be a virgin by the time another flight to Louisville is ready.
Orbit: I can’t even believe you doin’ this shit to me. For real, we haven’t seen each other in how many ever months and we are reuniting by you kickin’ me off a fuckin’ plane when I’m trying to go get some female company. This shit is low, even for you.
With that, Orbit rises from out of his seat. He reaches into the overhead bin and pulls out an alligator skin travel bag. Upon grabbing the bag, he stares at Fly for a brief second, shakes his head, and then begins walking to the front of the plane. Fly follows him to ensure he exits the plane. At the front door now, just as he’s about to walk through back to the terminal, Fly calls out.
Fly: Hey Steve.
Orbit turns around to face his half-brother.
Fly: I miss you. I really do.
Orbit: Man, fuck you.
…and with that, Steve Orbit disappears and Jonny Fly goes back to beating up people on planes in Chicago. That's it. That's all there is to see here. Until next time...
*Use of the Steve Orbit character done without permission of his owner.
**The author condemns the senseless slaughter of minks for use in Steve Orbit’s wardrobe.