Post by Salem Shepard on Jan 21, 2017 2:04:20 GMT -5
Smells Like Incest Pt1
YEEEE-HAAAA!!!!! Howdy! Today on "Special TV Time with Shep" we's off lookin fer them two Chemo Patients!! Cause we done got ourselves a bigtime, rootin tootin, barroom brawl with JR Ewing and Cliff Barnes comin up this week!!
Cash: Its Big Time Jerks...not Dallas.
SShhhh....Don’t you interrupt me. This is the part of my promo where I talk. Not anyone else. Anyway, back to my hillbilly accent...... So we done got ourselves a big Texas Deathmatch comin up! Im perty 'cited fer it!! Now there gone be twisters, there gone be cow manure, there even gone be chickens in the rang when we done whoopin up on good ol’ JR Ewing and Cliff Barnes!! Now, I think they done call themselves somethun like BTJ. Now, I aint had a whole lot of schoolin, but I is perty sure that BTJ stands for Big Titties Jiggle. Naw, I aint talkin bout Lilith’s..Them look more like old saggy milks squeezers on a sow. So when we's talk bout Big Tits Jiggle, it has to be Wade Moor, aint that right Cash?
....Oh yeah, you aint 'posed ta talk yet...
Maybe that aint what BTJ stands fer, but that’s what we gonna call em!!….Anyhow, I don’t think the Big Titties Jiggle is gonna fare too well 'gainst them two southern boys from Zero Tolerance. Ya see, I been raised here in Texas. I been out yonder workin them fields with Andre Holmes other day, and I done told him ta pick that cotton faster. ...And he done told me he was perty hardcore bout it already, and I seen his fangers all bleedin an shit, so I believe um! He is purty hardcore! I aint never seen nobody picked that damn much cotton 'fore! So I know he purty serious about that hardcore pickin! Maybe he even needs a belt fer it! Like, Hardcore Cotton Picker Championship! We can even have a Mayor give it to him!! Aint Sanchez the Mayor of NobodyGivesaFuckVille? I don’t think that’s here in Texas….. Uh-oh, Black Joke!! Prolly done got me on that dadgum “black list” now. Anyhow, let’s get back to them skinheads that don’t like the darkies. Yes, Im talkin bout Adam Young and......and.....uuuhhhh….
Cash: Austin Adams.
Yeah!!! What Cash done said!!! Cash might be the smartest damn hillbilly I know! Wait, no he aint, he from that goddamn Mississippi place, not from the best, greatest state in the Union....Texas. The Eyes of Texas is upon you Austin and Adam, ..and so is cancer. I feel purty damn bad for yall, but it looks like one yall is getting yer hair back. I has ta ask though....When you go through that damn chemo, does the hair fall off yer pussy too? Shit done scared me when I thinks about it the other night. Cause if I had to go get the chemo - that means the hairs gonna fall off my balls...and I just done colored them blue the other day to match my head, …Karen sure does like it that way..Mmm-Hmm! so anyhow, I hate to lose my ball hair after that much work colorin it. I 'pose Im gonna feel kinda bad for beating up on a couple sick guys, but that’s what the WCF pays me to do.
Cash: wwssff.
Shep: wwssff...pardon me, hillbilly. That’s what wwssff pay us ta do.
Cash: Yer purty good at this.
Shep: I know. That’s cause Im a Texan!! Youse a Mississippian. My accent better than yers!
Cash spit dip into the pot of a fake plant halfway across the room.
Cash: Let’s see ya do that, cityboy.
Shep: Gimme that damn can!!
Salem put two fingers in the can and came out with a big dip of skoal and put it in his mouth. He instantly froze. His jaw moved slightly and the look on his face suggested he wanted to vomit, but he toughed it out.
Shep: Ya know....My paw used to call this stuff pookie.
Cash: Pookie? Aint that Andres Girl?
Salem spit the chew all over his clothes and vomited, while laughing at the same time. Snot ran from his nose, tears of laughter ran down his painted cheeks, as he vomited again from nicotine overkill.
Shep: Fucking head is spinning man…fuck!
(Houston, Tx)
Cash stood up and walked over to the window of the hotel they were staying in. It overlooked Houston, Texas. Erik wasn’t too big on the idea of them leaving Michigan but they didn’t really have much of a choice, and unfortunately for Jason Cash, he was basically babysitting Salem on this trip. Not that he minded, he had been cooped up in Bloomfield Hills for over a month and he was glad to break out. Salem though, he still had one legal issue that wasn’t going away and cooperating to the fullest extent, and sticking to his lie, was his best option. He cleaned off his face and fixed his paint, looking better than he did seconds ago, and finally washed his mouth out.
Shep: I don’t know how you do that man…Fuck that…
Cash: What time you gotta go down there and talk to ‘em?
Shep: Fuck, we gotta leave in half an hour..
Shep sighed and plopped down on the large black couch. Cash turned around and grabbed another bottle from the fridge and sat back down on the window sill.
Shep: Man, I fucked up…
Cash: That aint the problem. That was taken care of... I seen Jaymz the other day, I think he’s coming down here too…
Shep: Why!?
Salem sat up on the couch with a concerned look on his face. He didn’t like the beast roaming around in his mind, changing him, hiding the voices.
Cash: Cause there’s more to it. Whoever on our ass, ..they got someone pushing yer issue. It’s been too long, cause if the damn law thought it was you they woulda locked yer ass up already.
Shep: …I shouldn’t even be in this situation.
Jason cash only shrugged and continued to drink on his beer.
Cash: Shit happens man. I’ve fucked up perty big before and Erik’s always got it worked out. ..And he did this time, but now it’s being pushed by other people. ..I done told ya that!
Shep: …I dunno man…
Salem stood up and paced around the room, blowing a giant cloud from his vape box that smelled like vanilla, with a hint of lemon. Cash didn’t like the smell, he thought it smelled liked a nasty girls fish pond, and waved the cloud away with one hand and turned the TV on, kicking his old dirty boots up on the table. Salem walked over to the bathroom and closed the door.
He looked at himself in the mirror, the white paint and perfect black circles around his natural bright blue eyes cast a shadow of doubt. He had a bad feeling about all this and he couldn’t shake it; no matter what he did the thought of going to jail stayed on the front of his mind all day. Jason had told him it was going to be fine, nothing was going to come of it, but it didn’t matter. He couldn’t shake that bad feeling.
"Leave now before it’s too late…."
"This will be our last day outside…"
"This is all your fault."
"We told you not to do it."
Salem turned away from the mirror, slammed the lid down on the toilet and took a seat. He rubbed his hands on temples, now stressing the voices that had come back. They had been quiet lately, he had been feeling good and looking good in the ring…but now the nervousness was back. The anxiety was back. And ..they..were back. He knew he couldn’t listen to them. He knew he couldn’t send Cash on a wild chase through Houston lookin for him like he had done to his friends numerous times before. After all, that’s why Cash had even made the trip – to make sure Salem actually got to the police station. He tried to ignore the voices but they pounded his head one after another, blaming him for the huge mistake that he made while every voice claimed they tried to stop him. In the end, the result had always been the same. Going with the thoughts in his head and not giving them a second thought always got him in trouble. A banging came from the otherside of the door.
Cash: Hey! We gotta go! …You paintin yer face or some shit!? Worse than a goddamn female, I swear…
Salem pulled the door open and flipped him off, his facepaint untouched.
Cash: Oh, youse just takin a shit! …hell, its time ta go!
Salem followed Cash out of the room and the walked down the hall to the elevator.
Salem: You know I may not come out of there today.
Cash: Shut the hell up, kid! Godammit, I told ya!! Ya aint going ta jail!
He wanted to agree with Jason, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling. Today was going to be the day.
*******
(Houston, 9:17pm)
Salem walked out of the Houston police department with a huge smile on his face. Jason had been in the parking lot, sitting on the hood of the truck, scratching the shit out of it, playing his guitar under the glow of the lights. He nodded and smiled as he saw Salem come down the steps and walk over to the parking lot with more energy in his pace than he had when he went inside over four hours ago.
Shep: Hey, come on lets get the fuck outta here!!
Cash slid off the hood and nudged Salem on the shoulder.
Cash: Goddamn told ya, yer ass wasn’t going to jail today! Imma drive, I know a place we can go...
The smile quickly faded off Salems face as he got in the passenger seat of the truck. Anywhere that Jason Cash wanted to go wasn’t anywhere that he wanted to go to. He could only imagine the country ass redneck place that Cash was taking them to.
Cash: So what happen?
Shep: You know…They kept trying to get me to change my story and all that…Nothing changed. I know they still on the me though. One of the guys that was working my case isn’t there anymore. Hes been replaced.
Cash: Give his name ta Erik.
Shep: Yeah…yeah, I will. So where the fuck are we going?
Cash: Were getting the hell outta this goddamn city!!
Shep: yeeaahhh…Can you just turn around and take me back to jail then?
Cash gave him a glare that suggested he would just rather throw Salem out the passenger window.
Cash: Maybe we’ll see that bastard Young there…I don’t think that sumbitch will be 500 miles of here if he know weze around though…
Fuck that guy and the other douche he runs with. The one that calls himself “the money”….What the fuck is “The money?” It’s not like he’s high up on the WCF payroll so he’s not getting much of the money. …And he’s teaming up with Adam Young, and the last I checked – there wasn’t a whole lot of money to be made with Adam Young on your side. How much merch does this guy sell? Or does he even have any merch? …We all know that ZT cranks out the merch because thanks to guys like Erik Black we have “the money!!” We’re also “the money” in the ring, in case you haven’t noticed. No, I didn’t fare to well in my last match two weeks ago..But hey, Singh is one of the best in the business, I can’t deny him that. Like almost everyone else, I don’t have to fucking like him!! But I saw what he could do at War and I know I had my hands full. But this week?? No, this week isn’t going to be ANYTHING like it was last week. These two pieces of shit aren’t anything more than fuckin trailer trash.
…oh, sorry Jason…They’re TEXAS trailer trash…
Cash: What you tryna say bout my trailer, Shep? She’s a beaut!
I aint sayin nothing!! You got millions and you choose to live in a trailer, these two assholes don’t have a choice to live in a trailer!! Whys that dumbfuck Adams always getting on the internet talking shit? He acts like were gonna run scared of him or something, or like he’s intimidating people on there… He just makes a fuckin fool of himself with his twelve-year-old Your Mom jokes, …and they aint even good ones!! But that’s understandable for a guy that has cancer….It is cancer, right? It has to be!!
Crazy J and I actually took bets on what disease you had… Cause I don’t know if you’re “sick” like Im “schizo” or if you just have some weird illness that really makes you sick. I had a flu shot back in October so I hope that covers me from what I could potentially get from you in the ring. After I have matches with Lilith and Holmes, I got get tested for STD’s. The lady there always tells me that I can’t get STDs from fighting them, but do you think Im going to take that fucking chance!? Fuck no!!!
Cash: Damn, you gone ramble on the whole way, aint ya?
Probably!! So what!? As I was saying, I think it’s kinda fucked up that the WCF doesn’t offer STD tests to its wrestlers that have to fight people like you and Lilith. I don’t think they do a very good job of protecting us in that area. But anyway… Adams, this dumbass…Listen to this, so Adams thinks that he “played Cash like a 2 dollar bill”…this motherfucker makes it sound like he pulled some slick move, or had a big plan in motion to get over on Cash that took weeks to setup and execute!! …The result? They snuck up behind Cash after a match and beat on him.
Yup, that’s all they did... Young makes it sound like they really got over on Cash, like they really fooled him!! Hahaha…give me a fuckin break!! Man, that’s the ONLY time he’s gonna be able to get you down in the ring!! Im tired of listening to this guy run his fuckin mouth because he doesn’t have the skill to back it up! You went out there last week and lost to walking chlamydia and that Dag guy, and you think yall can come in and whoop up on me and my homie!? Have yall not been paying attention to what’s gone on around here the last half year!? Fuck man!! Cash and I have practically dominated every tag team that’s stood in our way.
The speedometer climbed on the truck as Cash drove faster, trying to get to his destination quicker so Salem would shut up.
Yeah, we did blow our chance at the Tag Straps, but we’ve beat damn near every team that’s stood up to us! Besides that, I don’t think me and Cash have lost a true two on two tag match besides that one. You and that other dickhead Austin run around here beating your chest like you’re making a statement but all you’re really doin is setting yourself up to be laughed at. Going around and fuckin with Cash was probably the worst fucking decision that you could have made. …Theres a ton of other guys that you could have fucked with, but noooooo, you had to go and fuck with my boy here. Why is that?
You jealous that he’s a little more country than you? You jealous of his get-tar playin skills? What is it Adams? ..Why do you have such a hard-on for the Hillbilly Hero? Is it his long greasy hair that you’re jealous of? Or just the fact that he looks the part of a real wrestler? Cause if you put on a nice shirt and some glasses you would look like a fuckin librarian or Cliff of Dooms teaching assistant. You would look like that you’re more up for a game of chess than a fuckin Texas Deathmatch.
They could give both of you a twenty-count and neither one of you is gonna get up! After all the shit you talked and then fuckin with Cash, …it don’t matter if they give yall five minutes to get up after the pin, IT STILL AINT GONNA MATTER!!!
Cash: Damn!! Hurtin my goddamn ears!!
You’ll live!! I mean, really, because Austin Adams Young isn’t capable of getting the job done against us. I don’t give a fuck that he beat Flash..I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with Flash that day because Young isn’t even on the same planet as Flash…I dunno if he was high, or if he was drunk…whatever!!!! It doesn’t matter!!! I don’t really care what happened because it’s a fluke!! That’s all that win ever was – a stroke of luck!! But that one win doesn’t change what he’s done in his career and the mountain of losses that he’s taken. Goddamnit Cash, the only thing that’s gonna stop us from beatin his ass is the pigs haulin my ass to jail, …and we already seen that aint gonna happen!
Cash: Oh thank God almighty! …Were here. Naw you can stop rambling and on, and on….and on, …and on…
They had traveled to the outskirts of Houston to a dumpy little place that hadn’t seen any basic repair or TLC in over thirty years. There was an old faded red sign hanging over the door with one of the two lights that worked shining down on the words that read “Mad Cow Saloon.” Shep did NOT want to be here, this was not his kind of place and he knew it was going to be awkward as shit. But whatever, he hadn’t gone to jail, and that was the highlight of his day. Beating Big Time Jerks though, that was going to be the highlight of his week!