Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 21:55:43 GMT -5
Back in the Saddle…
Back where he Belongs..
From The City of Angels..
Your Pleasure to BEHOLD
THE MAGNIFICENT BASTARD
ADRIAN ARCHER!
(A familiar scene presents itself. Adrian Archer, back in his glory at his Downtown L.A. Bachelor pad. After a significant payday, and a raise from The Powers That Be, Adrian Archer is living large again. Sitting on his deck, overlooking the downtown L.A. skyline, Adrian relaxes in his silk black robe, glass of Cognac in one hand, Cigar in the other. We approach from over the shoulder of Charles, Adrian Archers personal security and confidant.)
Archer:(Not even looking behind him) CHARLES! My good man! When will you ever learn to stop wearing those wing tips! They make a helluva racket!
Charles: Gotta look sharp, Mag..
Archer: Word..
(Charles takes a seat and the two men start talking)
Charles: Yo Mag, just gotta let you know..Man..you know Zero Tolerance aint got those titles no more..
Adrian: Of course! They lost their claim to the Trios titles. However, I never lost. I never was pinned..So therefore, I am still the 1/3rd Trios champion!
Charles: Adrian..That don’t make sense man..You gonna go after Beach Krew for those titles?
Adrian: My beef is not with BeachKrew my good man! They deserve every title that they get! However, I may just have to beat my Trios Titles frustrations out of Zero Tolerance..But all in good time my friend..
“GLOORRRRIOUS! I WON’T GIVE..”
(Adrians ring tone..Because..Adrian.)
Adrian: Behold!...Yes….Wait...who?....Is this a joke?...Wait...Captian Pantheon right...No?...Captain Hump?....Captain Crunch? SPEAK UP MAN….HELLO!..
(Adrian hangs up in disgust)
Adrian: Unbelievable. Apparently, dear Charles, I have a match against some Captain fellow..COME..Lets go inside and see what we can find out..
(Adrian walks in with Charles in tow. The two men sit on opposite easy chairs where Adrian flips on the WCF Network..As he scans through the roster, he stops on a grotesque specimen..Captain Rump. Adrians face tells the story. He looks like he has just witnessed a child rape. The shock, the horror..Adrian shakes his head violently and seemingly comes to the realization that he is facing a very large opponent, one of the largest he has ever faced. Adrian jumps into action..dialing his cell phone...He waits impatiently, tapping his foot. Charles is trying to hide his laughter..)
Adrian: Hello Louie? Archer here...Yeah, I need to come in for a sparring session...Special circumstances...Oh, you saw?...You have just the thing to help...GREAT NEWS! I’ll be there right away!
(In a flourish, Adrian hangs up his iPhone. In nothing more than a silk robe and boxers, Adrian bolts for the door..)
Adrian: COME CHARLES! TO THE MAGNIFICENT MOBILE!
(Adrian and Charles make haste to the door as the scene fades to black..)
Scene: Santino Brothers Wrestling Academy,
Los Angeles
Los Angeles
(A Plymouth Prowler, deep purple, pulls up in front Santino Brothers in a red zone. Adrian and Charles fly out of the car and into the gym. They are greeted by Louie Santino, a well built, muscular specimen of a man with a shining bald head, a towel on his neck, a wet t-shirt and a smile..)
Louie: Adrian! Charles! As you would say..BEHOLD...YOUR SPARRING PARTNER!
(We pan to the ring and a very large, slovenly, dirty man with a long ratty mullet and no hair on his head, a t-shirt stained by time and food, and sweat pants stained by..well..you figure it out, and black unlaced work boots. He stands in the ring, picking his nose and discreetly tries to eat his snot, failing miserably. The look on Adrians face is priceless as the man takes off his shirt to reveal his lumpy massive midsection complete with fungal growth underneath, various moles, and a smell which hits Adrian like a chair shot..)
Louie: This is Fat Hank! Guys been sleeping behind the gym for years!
Charles: How does a homeless man get so fat?
Louie: He eats everything...I mean..Everything…
(Just then, Hank pulls a chicken bone from his pants and starts gnawing on it..Adrian shudders in disgust, but shakes it off.)
Adrian: Well then! I will retire to the locker and change for my session!
****15 minutes later*****
(Adrian looks like Harry Potter next to Hagrid standing aside Fat Hank. Louie is in the ring with them. Charles has left, presumably to get the MagMobile washed and waxed. The session starts now..)
Louie: Okay now Adrian, though Fat Hank here does have the girth and size, he does not have the wrestling accumen that Captain Rump does..He is also not a wrestler, so you may need to take it easy on him..
Adrian: No worries my friend! I will make sure Fat Hank is safe while he helps me maneuver the sheer size of Captain Rump! Lets start with a body slam!
Louie: Adrian..I…
Adrian: Relax Louie..I won't hurt your friend! BEHOLD THE STRENGTH!
(Adrian goes for a body slam. With a mighty grunt he slides his arm under Hanks massive choad. Turning to scoop Hank, Adrian lets out a massive grunt..then another..with each heaving attempt, Adrians body shakes..Meanwhile, Hank is enjoying a milkshake..Finally Adrian stops and backs away, out of breath..)
Louie: (Chuckling a bit, but then becoming serious)Okay Adrian, what have we learned?
Adrian: Whew...That bathing is never EVER overrated!
Louie: NO! That you can’t just muscle this guy around! You need to find ways to combat his weapons and his size..Especially...His ASS.
Adrian: What about his Ass?
(Just then, Louie motions to Hank, who strips off his decrepit sweats to reveal a dingy grey pair of what some would call “tighty whities” complete with off yellow and brown spots..Hank then turns around to reveal a pockmarked, hairy, pale white backside..Louie Laughs..Hank shoves a stunned Adrian into the corner, backs up, and starts to run…)
Adrian: NOOOOOOOOOO!
(Adrian nimbly leaps away from the corner. Hank, seemingly freed up by the lack of clothing, starts to chase Adrian around..)
Louie: ADRIAN! YOU CAN’T RUN THE ENTIRE MATCH MAN! GO ON THE OFFENSIVE!
Adrian:(Circling Hank inside the ring as he continues to lunge) I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE OFFENSIVE THAN THIS!
(Adrian scales the second rope and jumps, landing a picture perfect Drop on Hank, who goes down like a sack of bricks.)
Louie: THATS IT! You gotta be quick!
(Adrian smiles in the ring...The music starts to swell..Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its.....
)
MONTAGE TIME!!!!!!
(All of a sudden, Charles arrives with a boom box. He turns it on, and the song playing is “Push it to the Limit” ..Adrian smiles..The next few shots are vintage montage fare..Adrian escaping a lunging Hank...Hank eating a cheeseburger that Adrian slaps from his hands..Adrian up on the top rope landing a picture perfect flying dropkick..Then the last one, Adrian hitting his KillShot move driving the skull of Hank, in slow motion of course, into the bottom turnbuckle, where he remains, not moving..Adrian jumps for joy..Louie looks concerned..)
Louie: I think he’s dead..
Adrian: Fat Fuck should have been dead years ago..I did him a favor Louie..Just like the favor I am going to do Captain Rump by kicking his ass down to a manageable size. He may have the size, and he may have a big ass, but in my day I’ve taken down some serious ass and always been able to handle it. This time will be no different..
Captain Rump, I am faster, and better than you. Maybe after the ass kicking I give you, you can reevaluate your life and become more like me..I’ll be your own..Personal Jesus...Only instead of the phone, I will use my fists and my cunning to bring you to salvation...Wait..HA who am I kidding? A waste of perfectly good lipids like you could never be as good as me..And when you find yourself on the mat like King Hippo all starry eyed and shit, you will have a front row seat to BEHOLD...THE MAGNIFICENCE!
(To Charles and Louie)
COME! All this training has made me hungry. WHO WANTS KALE!
Charles: Not me man..
Adrian: KIDDING! STEAKS ON ME!
(As the men leave…)
Louie: (To his janitor) Hey Paul..Leave him outside will ya? I’ll have the cops pick him up in the morning..Use the pallet jack..
(Scene fades on the face of Hank, eyes open, drool and blood pooling under his mouth.)
Scene: Bahooka Lounge
Los Angeles, Ca.
(Little known to the WCF Universe, Adrian Archer is quite the accomplished open mic performer, and every Wednesday, he grabs a spot at Bahooka, and charms the audience..The scene opens in the tiki inspired lounge with Adrian Archer, Hawaiian shirt, Khakis and Guitar, sitting on a stool on the tiki inspired stage.)
Adrian: Good evening ladies and gentlemen..Tonight I stray away from the usual fare and play some originals based on my “Day Job” (Crowd laughs) Here we go…This is called “Rump”
*Played to the tune of “LUMP” BY POTUSA*
Rump sat alone in his own shit
Can jerk off cuz he cant find it
Mud flows out from his wrestling tights
His hand is his date most every night
Hes Rump
Hes Rump
Hes Rump
He’s always Last
Hes Rump
Hes Rump
Hes Rump
I’ll kick his ass
Is this Rump out of his head I think so!
Is this Rump stuck in his bed I think so!
Is this Rump gonna be dead I think so!
When I go and I kick Rumps Fat ass!
*Crowd Cheers*
Adrian: Thank you! You are too kind! Heres another one..Yo Jay, drop a beat..
Rumpty Rump
*To the tune of Humpty Hump by Digital Underground*
Allright stop whatcher doin
Cuz Im about to ruin
The career of a very very fat man
He looks funny
Spends all his money at Burger King
Fingers so fat cant wear an onion ring
Now gather round
Rumps the new fool in town
And his titties fall down all the way
To the ground
He’ll take all of the food you got on your shelf
This is how rump intros himself
His name is rumpty
Pronounced like dumpty
Oh ladies he will never funk thee
And all the wrestlers in the top ten
Will proceed to punk thee
Hes stepping huge yall and just like humpty dumpty
Hes gonna fall like a tree call him stumpy
He likes to eat, His ass smells funky
His trunky is real gross and lumpy
Im sick of this..Straight super fat
I mean it is riddiculous
He’ll eat all of your crackers and your licorice
Hey fat boy, c’mere are you ticklish?
Yeah I call Rump fat, he’ll never be skinny
Fucking pie is how he gets busy
He’s a freak..He smells like doom
He once got stuck inside a Burger King Bathroom
I’m crazy Allow me to amaze thee
When he hits me it just wont face me
Beat him so hard he’ll shit his own pants
Then he’ll do the dance..
Do the rumpty rump..
*The crowd goes wild..Adrian laughs..*
Adrian: Captain Rump..Mark my words..Though arrows may not hurt you, I can use a harpoon. One way or another heavy duty, Archer gonna take you down, ship you to Japan so they can make lipstick out of your blubber. BEHOLD! The Greatness!
FTB