Post by Joey Flash on Dec 24, 2016 21:00:40 GMT -5
Dear santa
firstly i want to say i have been gud this year i have beaten the fuck out of racists and would be rapists as well as jay omega so i think i shud be on ur good list also wat shud i actually call u? Santa clause? Father christmas? Jolly old saint nicc??? Which is ur real name do u have kayfabe and stage names in ur profesion? Do u think the easter bunny is deserving of his push??
so usually i write to u and ask for things like money or nice warm comfy festivly decorated sox or possibly a puppy however i am asking for something completely different:
i wud really love it if u cud gift me the joy of slapping the shit out of a demented old faggot hall of famer who thinks he has a chance of beating me but in reality is a human sized sack of whale shit who doesnt belong in the same ring as me so i can retire them and send them hopefully to hell where they wud then play scrabble with gemini battle and beat him cos gemini battle is shit at everything he ever does he cant even die right that faggot died in a promotional video rather than on tv smfh
love little joey from the bronx (aged 26 lives in brooklyn is a world champion wrestler in case u get many other little joeys but i have written to u all my life so u shud know)
firstly i want to say i have been gud this year i have beaten the fuck out of racists and would be rapists as well as jay omega so i think i shud be on ur good list also wat shud i actually call u? Santa clause? Father christmas? Jolly old saint nicc??? Which is ur real name do u have kayfabe and stage names in ur profesion? Do u think the easter bunny is deserving of his push??
so usually i write to u and ask for things like money or nice warm comfy festivly decorated sox or possibly a puppy however i am asking for something completely different:
i wud really love it if u cud gift me the joy of slapping the shit out of a demented old faggot hall of famer who thinks he has a chance of beating me but in reality is a human sized sack of whale shit who doesnt belong in the same ring as me so i can retire them and send them hopefully to hell where they wud then play scrabble with gemini battle and beat him cos gemini battle is shit at everything he ever does he cant even die right that faggot died in a promotional video rather than on tv smfh
love little joey from the bronx (aged 26 lives in brooklyn is a world champion wrestler in case u get many other little joeys but i have written to u all my life so u shud know)
Dear Little Joey from the Bronx
I of course knew who wrote me this letter. Your handwriting has not changed since you were a young boy, and those were a choice use of crayon - pink is my third favourite colour.
I am pleased that you have savagely beaten the racists and rapists, I am especially happy with how you eliminated the Jay Omega menace by a single punch to the face. Only you could provide me with such mirth.
I have been known as Crawling Chaos, The God of a Thousand Forms, The Stalker among the Stars, The Black Pharaoh, The Faceless God, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Santa Clause, Jolly ol’ Saint Nick and Grime. My real name is John.
We do not have ‘Kayfabe’ - I do not know what this is. The Easter Bunny is not real, he is a marketing tool to drive commercial retail. You are twenty six, you should not be believing in things like this.
It is with great glee I can inform you that you are ebbing slightly onto the ‘good’ list. Even the murders you performed this year can all be forgiven due to you dispatching Thomas Uriel Bates at One. He is getting coal for Christmas.
...since you asked so nicely. Enjoy your “demented old faggot hall of famer who thinks he has a chance of beating me but in reality is a human sized sack of whale shit”
“Gravedigger: To demand a shot at the WCF WORLD TITLE on the next edition of Slam!
The camera switches to the crowd who has shocked looks on their faces.
Zach Davis: WHAT??
Freddy Whoa: The WORLD TITLE!?
Gravedigger: I don’t care if it’s Bates or Flash. I don’t care if Sanchez himself peels his lifeless body off the canvas behind me and walks out after the match to cash in. That belt does not belong around anyone else’s waist but MINE. I’m back and not just to sit behind that table on commentary, I’m back to start burying bodies once more.”
I shouldn’t have favourites, but the fact this gentleman said Bates or Flash leads me to believe the man is not of sound mind. Do me a favour and thrash this man within an inch of his life.
Your kind regards,
John.
I of course knew who wrote me this letter. Your handwriting has not changed since you were a young boy, and those were a choice use of crayon - pink is my third favourite colour.
I am pleased that you have savagely beaten the racists and rapists, I am especially happy with how you eliminated the Jay Omega menace by a single punch to the face. Only you could provide me with such mirth.
I have been known as Crawling Chaos, The God of a Thousand Forms, The Stalker among the Stars, The Black Pharaoh, The Faceless God, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Santa Clause, Jolly ol’ Saint Nick and Grime. My real name is John.
We do not have ‘Kayfabe’ - I do not know what this is. The Easter Bunny is not real, he is a marketing tool to drive commercial retail. You are twenty six, you should not be believing in things like this.
It is with great glee I can inform you that you are ebbing slightly onto the ‘good’ list. Even the murders you performed this year can all be forgiven due to you dispatching Thomas Uriel Bates at One. He is getting coal for Christmas.
...since you asked so nicely. Enjoy your “demented old faggot hall of famer who thinks he has a chance of beating me but in reality is a human sized sack of whale shit”
“Gravedigger: To demand a shot at the WCF WORLD TITLE on the next edition of Slam!
The camera switches to the crowd who has shocked looks on their faces.
Zach Davis: WHAT??
Freddy Whoa: The WORLD TITLE!?
Gravedigger: I don’t care if it’s Bates or Flash. I don’t care if Sanchez himself peels his lifeless body off the canvas behind me and walks out after the match to cash in. That belt does not belong around anyone else’s waist but MINE. I’m back and not just to sit behind that table on commentary, I’m back to start burying bodies once more.”
I shouldn’t have favourites, but the fact this gentleman said Bates or Flash leads me to believe the man is not of sound mind. Do me a favour and thrash this man within an inch of his life.
Your kind regards,
John.
From: D.Sanchez@WCF.com
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: Apologies
Joe.
I didn’t mean to offend with my message earlier, and thought I better shoot you a quick message to make sure everything is cool between us. I realise what is going through your head, Final Destination right? I understand how you feel especially after what happened earlier this year. I’m not going to rape you. I’m not going to come at you when you don’t expect it and attack you. I’m not going to interfere in this match on Sunday, nor am I going to any other night. I’ve worked my ass off to be in this position - I have a record second only to yours at this point. What would my victory mean if it were so cheap?
When I cash in, I want you to know about it, I want you to be ready…
...so when I beat you, I will have fucking earned it.
But, Pantheon forever, right...friend?
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: Apologies
Joe.
I didn’t mean to offend with my message earlier, and thought I better shoot you a quick message to make sure everything is cool between us. I realise what is going through your head, Final Destination right? I understand how you feel especially after what happened earlier this year. I’m not going to rape you. I’m not going to come at you when you don’t expect it and attack you. I’m not going to interfere in this match on Sunday, nor am I going to any other night. I’ve worked my ass off to be in this position - I have a record second only to yours at this point. What would my victory mean if it were so cheap?
When I cash in, I want you to know about it, I want you to be ready…
...so when I beat you, I will have fucking earned it.
But, Pantheon forever, right...friend?
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: problem
david sanchez
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: problem
david sanchez
From: LosTiburones@WCF.com
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE: problem
David Sanchez? What problem exactly? The drink, the drugs? I don’t think we have a right to talk to him about that.
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE: problem
David Sanchez? What problem exactly? The drink, the drugs? I don’t think we have a right to talk to him about that.
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:problem
him. he might be the problem. this final destination shit...i hate it, i hate every bit of it its like this shit was made just to put me on edge man it had to be him, it cudnt be anone else cud it? its as if every time i get to hold this belt shit happens behind the scenes to fucc me over wat can i even do here? hes a good man...he is a friend for fucks sake i dont want this shit to happen i dont want this shit to ruin what we have going but the way he is talking i dunno it just has me worried bro
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:problem
him. he might be the problem. this final destination shit...i hate it, i hate every bit of it its like this shit was made just to put me on edge man it had to be him, it cudnt be anone else cud it? its as if every time i get to hold this belt shit happens behind the scenes to fucc me over wat can i even do here? hes a good man...he is a friend for fucks sake i dont want this shit to happen i dont want this shit to ruin what we have going but the way he is talking i dunno it just has me worried bro
From: LosTiburones@WCF.com
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE: RE: problem
He wouldn’t do that. You’re worrying too much, but all the bullshit - Pantheon is the most cohesive unit in the professional wrestling world.
You are just thinking too much.
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE: RE: problem
He wouldn’t do that. You’re worrying too much, but all the bullshit - Pantheon is the most cohesive unit in the professional wrestling world.
You are just thinking too much.
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
lemme ask...wut wud u do in this situation? sanchezs i mean
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
lemme ask...wut wud u do in this situation? sanchezs i mean
From: LosTiburones@WCF.com
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
I would play nice, I would get close, I would have double dates with you. You would be my best friend and most trusted confidante. Then I’d slide the blade into the base of your spine.
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
I would play nice, I would get close, I would have double dates with you. You would be my best friend and most trusted confidante. Then I’d slide the blade into the base of your spine.
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
And if u were me???
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: problem
And if u were me???
From: LosTiburones@WCF.com
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE problem
I would take care of the problem before that happened. Look. You know as much as I do where this path leads, this leads away from you want. This leads away from what I want. I’m not being at all Machiavellian. I want to fight you. I want to fight you more than anything. It was taken from me last year, it will not be taken from me again.
David Sanchez is your friend. He’s my friend too, as much as he can be. He is a brilliant wrestler who is an asset to Pantheon and everything we stand for. Therein lies the problem, this is the problem we knew would be coming from the moment we formed: how long can you hold talent that belongs in the sky down on the ground for the goal of unity and teamwork?
How long until others in the group begin thinking the same? Until Corey decides he has had enough of you controlling Pantheon, until Wade and Johnny decide they don’t need my guidance anymore? This creates umpteen problems. I don’t know about you, but I want to be proactive.
We let this fester and malign, or we purge.
I’m going to make you this offer once:
I will personally take care of David Sanchez. You will not have to worry about him, the Final Destination cash in, or any uprising.
You need only say the word.
No, and it’s forgotten forever. We never even had this conversation.
Yes, and I bring that talent that belongs in the sky and put it in the fucking ground.
One word Joe.
Yes...or...no?
To: J.Flash@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE problem
I would take care of the problem before that happened. Look. You know as much as I do where this path leads, this leads away from you want. This leads away from what I want. I’m not being at all Machiavellian. I want to fight you. I want to fight you more than anything. It was taken from me last year, it will not be taken from me again.
David Sanchez is your friend. He’s my friend too, as much as he can be. He is a brilliant wrestler who is an asset to Pantheon and everything we stand for. Therein lies the problem, this is the problem we knew would be coming from the moment we formed: how long can you hold talent that belongs in the sky down on the ground for the goal of unity and teamwork?
How long until others in the group begin thinking the same? Until Corey decides he has had enough of you controlling Pantheon, until Wade and Johnny decide they don’t need my guidance anymore? This creates umpteen problems. I don’t know about you, but I want to be proactive.
We let this fester and malign, or we purge.
I’m going to make you this offer once:
I will personally take care of David Sanchez. You will not have to worry about him, the Final Destination cash in, or any uprising.
You need only say the word.
No, and it’s forgotten forever. We never even had this conversation.
Yes, and I bring that talent that belongs in the sky and put it in the fucking ground.
One word Joe.
Yes...or...no?
From: J.Flash@wcf.com
To: Gravedigger69@hotmail.com
Subject: eat a dicc faggot
Dear gravedigger i think u are a faggot
Dear mister rodriguez this is not a circular this is an important document tellin u ur a faggot
I i WILL KILL U AND UR FAMILY
i think ur hot and manly and have nice tattoos
To: Gravedigger69@hotmail.com
Subject: eat a dicc faggot
Outgoing call to “Wife” - 12:16
From: Alessandra@Allegri.com
To: Gravedigger13@WCF.com
Subject: Message from Joey Flash
Hello Gravedigger, my name is Alessandra Malignaggi and I am writing you this Christmas at the behest of my husband, one Joseph Malignaggi regarding the upcoming match between the two of you for the WCF World Championship. Please note, none of the following material is in any way shape or form the views of myself or the Allegri foundation, for complete clarity: I am acting purely as a transcription service. I hope everything is well with you Gravedigger, if that is your real name...do you have a business card? If nomanitve determinism has given you the correct career path I could well make use of you. Joe also says you are Hispanic of race. Do you also perform janitorial services? I feel I’m being slightly silly, my apologies - the wine has gone to my head. Your name would be Toiletcleaner if so, and that wouldn’t be a very intimidating professional wrestling name, would it?
Are you a monster truck fan?
Why didn’t you call yourself ‘Bigfoot’ instead? Is it because you didn’t want your monster truck fandom to be confused with the slightly less socially acceptable ‘Squatch Hunting’ hobby?
I watched one monster truck show. A loudmouth idiotic blithering gimp calling himself ‘Big Dick Chuck’ was announcing. I felt like driving a knife into my ears.
Merry Christmas to you and yours x.
My Joseph’s message is thus:
…yo Gravedigger suck a dick. I hope your father gets stabbed by a meth addled homeless man and your mother gets face fucked by an overly sexed reindeer.
No bullshit, no build up. I’m coming out swinging - no Will Smith, you did that cheesy ass call out? I’m going to give you ham with it. Let’s get it started, Final Destination match. David Sanchez destroyed the field and claimed what was his - this was his crowning moment and his biggest accomplishment to date. Does he get time to celebrate? No. Of course not. Because what’s more important? Gravedigger’s pompous idiotic return. I get it though. I feel you on this shit. That’s the way to announce you coming back to compete, on the highest stage and making an example of one of the best wrestlers in the business showing that YOU mean business. It works as an idea.
You come barging back and the first thing you do? Demand a World Title shot. Well A+ for originality you silly fuckwad. No complex plan, no long term thinking, just a short term attempt at getting shine off the World Champion using their name alongside of yours so people who are seasoned fans dream of a potential ‘what if?’ match and unseasoned fans immediately place you on a pedestal. You know - the one where ‘he called the top guy out and showed so much confidence, this dude must be great!’. That pedestal. Like I said, nice idea.
If Thomas Uriel Bates was champion, or Gemini Battle, or Jeff Purse...or any of these transitional no mark midcarders held the World Title it would be brilliant. A masterstroke. You would get the hype and the promotion, as would they - mutual brand building masturbation. You made one very grave miscalculation.*NOTE: Joseph paused for a moment to chuckle after he realised he made an unintentional pun.* You didn’t count on the type of champion you were facing. The second I pinned Thomas Bates, I was already mentally onto the next task at hand. While these other champions sit by, collect their money and try to gather what little self esteem they have up and talk shit like they’re gods - I step out there every week and prove my divinity in that squared circle. I’m not going to make you jump through hoops to fight me. I’m not going to duck you, I’m not going to wait a few weeks to ‘let the hype build and promote the match’, I’m going to kick your teeth down your throat for thinking for even a second you had a chance in this match.
Don’t think for one second that you got this match because you had the stroke to demand it, or that you were at all considered worthy. I was on the phone to Lerch immediately confirming this World Title defence because I am going to use you as a marker to show just what type of World Champion we currently have. I am going to make this title the belt it deserves to be once more, and make the title of World Champion finally mean something again and it starts with me destroying a Hall of Famer like you are I dunno...Ultimate Destroyer or something.
The sad part about this is you think this is a fair match, that this is a toss up that you have a chance with. You are coming into this match with the delusion that you can actually, what...beat me?
Let’s talk, man to bitch. *NOTE: Joseph clarified shortly after that he was not the bitch in this scenario. He also wanted to assure me that he was not talking to me but still directing his ire toward you, Gravedigger. Quite sweet really.* This isn’t the sort of match that it could have been a year or so ago. Then it would have been young prodigy and World Champion against legendary Hall of Famer, the standard fare would have me calling you an old man who doesn’t belong in the game with someone young and hungry. I’d say shit like ‘You’re a real OG man. A fucking Old Goat.’ and disparage your career on some: you might have been good once but you don’t even have it any more type shit. Now?
This is Hall of Fame vs Hall of Fame, legend vs legend. I’m not going fuck with you, this was your ring, you built this shit, you built the bridges for me to be able to cross them...but this is my ring now and I am burning every one of your bridges down. Stats and accomplishment wise we look mightily similar. War winners, Three time World Champions, two of the most dominant wrestlers in history...we might look similar at first glance but you know the difference between us as much as I Gravedigger. What took you over ten years I did in two. I’ve swept through the WCF like a force that has never been seen in this business before, there is no name that can be even thrown out as a comparable to me anymore. I have burned every last remnant of my competition to the ground, I have beaten everyone there is to beat. It’s funny, this match might have even intimidated me once.
*NOTE: Joseph laughed at this point. I did not find what he said funny.*
It didn’t, but it might have. I could have taken your head off the first match I ever had in this company, and I’m going to do the same thing on Slam. There are levels to this shit, as good as you are - you are not even close to me and never have been. I set the bar for excellence in the WCF, you set the bar for ‘Being a flaky gets beaten up by Katherine Phoenix ass, David Sanchez ducking faggot’.
You have a reputation of being one of the toughest wrestlers in the history of the business. What happens to Gravedigger when the going gets tough? He fucks off, brittle fuck.
*NOTE* Joey started quoting dates and things but I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry.*
“Gravedigger defeats Madd Dogg; after the match, he declares his retirement, and tells the ref to take the belt to Lerch. It's declared vacant.”
“Gravedigger effectively shuts down WCF. Seth Lerch reopens the company, and strips Gravedigger of the World Title.”
Want to know what this smells like? This smells like a faggot who isn’t confident enough in his ability to defend his belt so orchestrates his own defeat so doesn’t have the ignominy of getting his shit pushed in and have someone go over him. I wasn’t watching shit back then so do I know? No, but I know your character. I know it all too well. I’m riding with the World Title on my waist every match I enter, you beat me? You fucking earned that shit. You would rather slink off and never be heard of again than to go out on your shield. This is where we differ. This is why I will beat you, this is why someone like you will never be able to beat me.
I would rather die on my feet than live on my fucking knees.
You continue this same schtick even now, it works nice as a gimmick but when it’s the shit you live your life by? I can’t abide it. I can’t abide you. I’ve never seen someone get punked out as routinely as you, you let the federations personal cum dumpster Kathy P get one up on you time and time again. When will your bullshit end? Now Sanchez is going to do the same thing to you. You’re not back because you have a chance to reclaim your past glories, pretty galling right? You are back to face me and lose, then to face Dave and lose. This is your lot in life now, the skills and abilities that dominated ten years ago can’t even tread water anymore. Your wrestling skills and mic work are both below the standard needed to succeed here anymore. Just go and become a car salesmen or something, let that bullshit patter actually do something for you in life. All it has done for you lately is get you into an unwinnable match against the best wrestler in the company. Maybe this is what you wanted though huh? Maybe you want this match just to say ‘you tried’. I’ve beaten everyone there is to beat, I am comprehensively the best wrestler in the world. None of the people with a claim to my throne have ever beaten me...but I’ve beaten every single one of them. So now here you are, you’re new, you’re fresh and unblemished so maybe you’re just another Joey Flash fanboy, maybe you just want the honour of getting added to the most illustrious list in the world: the people who I’ve beaten the fuck out of.
‘The List of Flash’
The most prestigious thing in the world of professional wrestling today. No one can beat me, so the next best thing is to get beaten by me and added to my record. How pathetic is it that a fucking list is more over than ninety percent of the achievements and wrestlers in a federation? People should be seriously be reassessing their business model and wrestler promotion and development if this is the case...I digress, back to you Gravedigger.
This is what World Champions look like. Real champions, not the type of champion you were. Not a snivelling rodent who daren’t fight to defend his belt or make a name for himself. What lasting legacies have you created? What enduring influences have come from your what...fifteen year career? Tell me. I’m waiting.
Oh. We don’t have a bunch of idiotic church burning hispanic biker gang members who can barely wrestle? No. Just one of those, and I’m going to beat the shit out of that one idiot for my late Christmas present. The entire of the WCF follows my every move, from catchphrases to slang to style my ability is fucking gospel here, I could take a shit in the middle of the ring before our match and next week you’d see a guy pissing in Kyle Steel’s face and another guy projectile vomiting on Seth’s desk. You influenced absolutely nothing in your whole career, I am a fucking pioneer, I gave birth to this new wave - call me Poseidon.
Yet...for all the mimicry and bullshit no one can even come close. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...but I don’t believe that. Imitation is the sincerest form of being a vapid, unintelligent, uncreative cunt who doesn’t have the skill or ability to get themselves over.
You don’t have that problem though. You’re too vapid to even attempt that.
You instead flail about in your Jax Teller wankathon dreaming of leading the DRG into a new age. ‘Let’s be outlaws. Fuck the Bates shit, I don’t want to even seem civil. Let’s burn more churches!’. You are outdated, not in style but in substance - your shit is the HD DVD and Minidisc of professional wrestling. You are brilliant in theory, you get backers and supporters because of the promise. You are the prospect who throws gas at 105mph on the gun and blows scouts away with his stuff, then...all there is is the fastball. Time and time again nothing but the heater. He gets hit, he gets lit up so they think ‘maybe as a reliever’ so he gets another shot in another role...but gets lit up again. The way this generation operates, you are that pitcher. You are one speed, one style, you get lit up and can’t succeed for one reason: you can’t even change up.
Me? I’m Randy Johnson throwing a bird busting flame by your fucking chops...then I’m laying a soft knee buckling knuckler in there. I can either smile and laugh roasting you, or kill you with the cold face. I’m the best at every aspect of this shit, this isn’t some ‘he’s only top because he’s good at this...or he’s good at that...or he’s good but not great at everything’ - I am the best. Period. I am the best at every facet of this sport. I’m quicker than you, I’m more skilled than you, I’m a better performer than you. The only thing you have on me is ‘experience’. Ask Larry Holmes how that worked out against Mike Tyson.
You have experience, but you don’t have experience in this. You don’t have the battles I’ve had. You don’t have the experiences I’ve had in this ring. You fought and beat people like fucking Madd Dogg. MADD DOGG?! Do you understand what this even is?!
I’ve fought and beaten Dune, Jared Holmes, Howard Black, Occulo, Corey Black, Scarecrow, Johnny Rabid, Wade Moor, John Gable, Jeff Purse, Jayson Price, Zombie McMorris - only Dune has a victory against me, do you understand yet? Let me help you a little...you lost your Hardcore title once straight up one on one to THIS
*NOTE: Joseph send me a Facebook Messenger gif to demonstrate his point*
*NOTE: Joseph laughed for a good two minutes after sending this. This strange moving image of a masked fat mongoloid man dancing awkwardly seemingly never loses its hilarity to him.*
This is fucking idiotic. This can’t even be a Grime situation, I saw I was facing a fucking spacker motorcycle riding talentless faggot for my title so took it easy on them so I’m not going to let that happen a second time with you. Sorry.
This is the part where you get the ‘I give up’ feeling. It’s okay, it happens: embrace it. I mean, it doesn’t happen to me, I’m going to fucking murder you in the ring but to you this must feel pretty soul destroying. I’m not doing this because I want to make you look or feel stupid, quite the opposite. You are worth every single degree of this heat coming your way. You are a legend in the game, I have to take you seriously, more seriously than anyone in recent memory, I…
...can’t keep a straight face saying this shit. Of course I’m doing this shit to make you feel stupid. I’m embarrassing you right now just like I’m going to embarrass you in the ring on Sunday. You should feel stupid for this, you should feel really stupid actually. Why couldn’t you just fuck about and only wrestle on XIII against people like Jeff Purse and Polar Phantasm? This is where you belong. Not on the main stage, not against the main attraction. I’m not doing this as a favour to you, this is a favour to me. I accepted your challenge to put myself over. I’m not doing anything for you faggot, it’s ironic, Gravedigger is the one getting buried in this match.
You say the World Title is the reason you came back? Well the man holding the World Title is going to be the reason you fuck off back into obscurity once more. This match is nice as nostalgia trip, it’s nice as an intergenerational celebration but as a contest? This is a fucking massacre. I’m going to destroy you on Sunday Gravedigger, this match isn’t close, this is a fucking mismatch. I will punch straight through the Grave like I’m Uma Thurman.
*NOTE: I even ‘screwfaced’ at that one. Sorry Gravedigger: the term ‘screwface’ was taught to me last year. I hate myself.*
*NOTE: Addendum. I don’t hate myself, that was a lie and a falsity. I actually find the comprehensive character assassination of yourself highly amusing. Still, have a great new year. x*
This match is my statement, you are my crash test dummy. I will beat you senseless, then David will do the same thing whenever you decide to nut up and face him. Just be happy I gave you this match and this opportunity. I’m the one doing you the favour with this shit, you’re going to lose….you’re going to look bad in losing while I look like a million bucks. I’m going to dominate every second of our match, standing, on the ground, in the air if needs be. You don’t belong in this match, you belong in a meandering go nowhere feud with Katherine Phoenix that fizzles out after three weeks of multi segemential bullshit. If Katherine Phoenix comes back in place of the ‘dead’ Lilith - I’m killing you and holding you responsible Gravedigger. This is where your standing in the current landscape is, you are not a main event star, you are not a legend to these people, no one even knows who the fuck you are. You are an old, stupid ignorant faggot with a silly name and a terrible judgement of his own skill level against others. So come to the first Slam of the new year, meet the man who hasn’t lost a single wrestling match in the entirety of 2016 and fuck maybe you’ll be the one to finally crack the code after the calendar changes annum, more likely you are going to be the first in a long line of casualties that fall at my feet while trying to reach the promised land.
I am beyond a shadow of a doubt the best wrestler in the world, the best wrestler to ever step through these ropes. I haven’t fought you yet Gravedigger so you don’t know...but you sure as hell will be a believer once I’m through with you. I’m not fighting you to beat you, I’m fighting you to dominate you. I’ve got a new place for you after this match, it’s one pretty familiar to you - it’s six feet deep and has a lovely earthy smell. This isn’t a contest, this is like a tour of Lenin’s tomb...people are just here to view the body.
To: Gravedigger13@WCF.com
Subject: Message from Joey Flash
Hello Gravedigger, my name is Alessandra Malignaggi and I am writing you this Christmas at the behest of my husband, one Joseph Malignaggi regarding the upcoming match between the two of you for the WCF World Championship. Please note, none of the following material is in any way shape or form the views of myself or the Allegri foundation, for complete clarity: I am acting purely as a transcription service. I hope everything is well with you Gravedigger, if that is your real name...do you have a business card? If nomanitve determinism has given you the correct career path I could well make use of you. Joe also says you are Hispanic of race. Do you also perform janitorial services? I feel I’m being slightly silly, my apologies - the wine has gone to my head. Your name would be Toiletcleaner if so, and that wouldn’t be a very intimidating professional wrestling name, would it?
Are you a monster truck fan?
Why didn’t you call yourself ‘Bigfoot’ instead? Is it because you didn’t want your monster truck fandom to be confused with the slightly less socially acceptable ‘Squatch Hunting’ hobby?
I watched one monster truck show. A loudmouth idiotic blithering gimp calling himself ‘Big Dick Chuck’ was announcing. I felt like driving a knife into my ears.
Merry Christmas to you and yours x.
My Joseph’s message is thus:
…yo Gravedigger suck a dick. I hope your father gets stabbed by a meth addled homeless man and your mother gets face fucked by an overly sexed reindeer.
No bullshit, no build up. I’m coming out swinging - no Will Smith, you did that cheesy ass call out? I’m going to give you ham with it. Let’s get it started, Final Destination match. David Sanchez destroyed the field and claimed what was his - this was his crowning moment and his biggest accomplishment to date. Does he get time to celebrate? No. Of course not. Because what’s more important? Gravedigger’s pompous idiotic return. I get it though. I feel you on this shit. That’s the way to announce you coming back to compete, on the highest stage and making an example of one of the best wrestlers in the business showing that YOU mean business. It works as an idea.
You come barging back and the first thing you do? Demand a World Title shot. Well A+ for originality you silly fuckwad. No complex plan, no long term thinking, just a short term attempt at getting shine off the World Champion using their name alongside of yours so people who are seasoned fans dream of a potential ‘what if?’ match and unseasoned fans immediately place you on a pedestal. You know - the one where ‘he called the top guy out and showed so much confidence, this dude must be great!’. That pedestal. Like I said, nice idea.
If Thomas Uriel Bates was champion, or Gemini Battle, or Jeff Purse...or any of these transitional no mark midcarders held the World Title it would be brilliant. A masterstroke. You would get the hype and the promotion, as would they - mutual brand building masturbation. You made one very grave miscalculation.*NOTE: Joseph paused for a moment to chuckle after he realised he made an unintentional pun.* You didn’t count on the type of champion you were facing. The second I pinned Thomas Bates, I was already mentally onto the next task at hand. While these other champions sit by, collect their money and try to gather what little self esteem they have up and talk shit like they’re gods - I step out there every week and prove my divinity in that squared circle. I’m not going to make you jump through hoops to fight me. I’m not going to duck you, I’m not going to wait a few weeks to ‘let the hype build and promote the match’, I’m going to kick your teeth down your throat for thinking for even a second you had a chance in this match.
Don’t think for one second that you got this match because you had the stroke to demand it, or that you were at all considered worthy. I was on the phone to Lerch immediately confirming this World Title defence because I am going to use you as a marker to show just what type of World Champion we currently have. I am going to make this title the belt it deserves to be once more, and make the title of World Champion finally mean something again and it starts with me destroying a Hall of Famer like you are I dunno...Ultimate Destroyer or something.
The sad part about this is you think this is a fair match, that this is a toss up that you have a chance with. You are coming into this match with the delusion that you can actually, what...beat me?
Let’s talk, man to bitch. *NOTE: Joseph clarified shortly after that he was not the bitch in this scenario. He also wanted to assure me that he was not talking to me but still directing his ire toward you, Gravedigger. Quite sweet really.* This isn’t the sort of match that it could have been a year or so ago. Then it would have been young prodigy and World Champion against legendary Hall of Famer, the standard fare would have me calling you an old man who doesn’t belong in the game with someone young and hungry. I’d say shit like ‘You’re a real OG man. A fucking Old Goat.’ and disparage your career on some: you might have been good once but you don’t even have it any more type shit. Now?
This is Hall of Fame vs Hall of Fame, legend vs legend. I’m not going fuck with you, this was your ring, you built this shit, you built the bridges for me to be able to cross them...but this is my ring now and I am burning every one of your bridges down. Stats and accomplishment wise we look mightily similar. War winners, Three time World Champions, two of the most dominant wrestlers in history...we might look similar at first glance but you know the difference between us as much as I Gravedigger. What took you over ten years I did in two. I’ve swept through the WCF like a force that has never been seen in this business before, there is no name that can be even thrown out as a comparable to me anymore. I have burned every last remnant of my competition to the ground, I have beaten everyone there is to beat. It’s funny, this match might have even intimidated me once.
*NOTE: Joseph laughed at this point. I did not find what he said funny.*
It didn’t, but it might have. I could have taken your head off the first match I ever had in this company, and I’m going to do the same thing on Slam. There are levels to this shit, as good as you are - you are not even close to me and never have been. I set the bar for excellence in the WCF, you set the bar for ‘Being a flaky gets beaten up by Katherine Phoenix ass, David Sanchez ducking faggot’.
You have a reputation of being one of the toughest wrestlers in the history of the business. What happens to Gravedigger when the going gets tough? He fucks off, brittle fuck.
*NOTE* Joey started quoting dates and things but I wasn’t paying attention. Sorry.*
“Gravedigger defeats Madd Dogg; after the match, he declares his retirement, and tells the ref to take the belt to Lerch. It's declared vacant.”
“Gravedigger effectively shuts down WCF. Seth Lerch reopens the company, and strips Gravedigger of the World Title.”
Want to know what this smells like? This smells like a faggot who isn’t confident enough in his ability to defend his belt so orchestrates his own defeat so doesn’t have the ignominy of getting his shit pushed in and have someone go over him. I wasn’t watching shit back then so do I know? No, but I know your character. I know it all too well. I’m riding with the World Title on my waist every match I enter, you beat me? You fucking earned that shit. You would rather slink off and never be heard of again than to go out on your shield. This is where we differ. This is why I will beat you, this is why someone like you will never be able to beat me.
I would rather die on my feet than live on my fucking knees.
You continue this same schtick even now, it works nice as a gimmick but when it’s the shit you live your life by? I can’t abide it. I can’t abide you. I’ve never seen someone get punked out as routinely as you, you let the federations personal cum dumpster Kathy P get one up on you time and time again. When will your bullshit end? Now Sanchez is going to do the same thing to you. You’re not back because you have a chance to reclaim your past glories, pretty galling right? You are back to face me and lose, then to face Dave and lose. This is your lot in life now, the skills and abilities that dominated ten years ago can’t even tread water anymore. Your wrestling skills and mic work are both below the standard needed to succeed here anymore. Just go and become a car salesmen or something, let that bullshit patter actually do something for you in life. All it has done for you lately is get you into an unwinnable match against the best wrestler in the company. Maybe this is what you wanted though huh? Maybe you want this match just to say ‘you tried’. I’ve beaten everyone there is to beat, I am comprehensively the best wrestler in the world. None of the people with a claim to my throne have ever beaten me...but I’ve beaten every single one of them. So now here you are, you’re new, you’re fresh and unblemished so maybe you’re just another Joey Flash fanboy, maybe you just want the honour of getting added to the most illustrious list in the world: the people who I’ve beaten the fuck out of.
‘The List of Flash’
The most prestigious thing in the world of professional wrestling today. No one can beat me, so the next best thing is to get beaten by me and added to my record. How pathetic is it that a fucking list is more over than ninety percent of the achievements and wrestlers in a federation? People should be seriously be reassessing their business model and wrestler promotion and development if this is the case...I digress, back to you Gravedigger.
This is what World Champions look like. Real champions, not the type of champion you were. Not a snivelling rodent who daren’t fight to defend his belt or make a name for himself. What lasting legacies have you created? What enduring influences have come from your what...fifteen year career? Tell me. I’m waiting.
Oh. We don’t have a bunch of idiotic church burning hispanic biker gang members who can barely wrestle? No. Just one of those, and I’m going to beat the shit out of that one idiot for my late Christmas present. The entire of the WCF follows my every move, from catchphrases to slang to style my ability is fucking gospel here, I could take a shit in the middle of the ring before our match and next week you’d see a guy pissing in Kyle Steel’s face and another guy projectile vomiting on Seth’s desk. You influenced absolutely nothing in your whole career, I am a fucking pioneer, I gave birth to this new wave - call me Poseidon.
Yet...for all the mimicry and bullshit no one can even come close. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...but I don’t believe that. Imitation is the sincerest form of being a vapid, unintelligent, uncreative cunt who doesn’t have the skill or ability to get themselves over.
You don’t have that problem though. You’re too vapid to even attempt that.
You instead flail about in your Jax Teller wankathon dreaming of leading the DRG into a new age. ‘Let’s be outlaws. Fuck the Bates shit, I don’t want to even seem civil. Let’s burn more churches!’. You are outdated, not in style but in substance - your shit is the HD DVD and Minidisc of professional wrestling. You are brilliant in theory, you get backers and supporters because of the promise. You are the prospect who throws gas at 105mph on the gun and blows scouts away with his stuff, then...all there is is the fastball. Time and time again nothing but the heater. He gets hit, he gets lit up so they think ‘maybe as a reliever’ so he gets another shot in another role...but gets lit up again. The way this generation operates, you are that pitcher. You are one speed, one style, you get lit up and can’t succeed for one reason: you can’t even change up.
Me? I’m Randy Johnson throwing a bird busting flame by your fucking chops...then I’m laying a soft knee buckling knuckler in there. I can either smile and laugh roasting you, or kill you with the cold face. I’m the best at every aspect of this shit, this isn’t some ‘he’s only top because he’s good at this...or he’s good at that...or he’s good but not great at everything’ - I am the best. Period. I am the best at every facet of this sport. I’m quicker than you, I’m more skilled than you, I’m a better performer than you. The only thing you have on me is ‘experience’. Ask Larry Holmes how that worked out against Mike Tyson.
You have experience, but you don’t have experience in this. You don’t have the battles I’ve had. You don’t have the experiences I’ve had in this ring. You fought and beat people like fucking Madd Dogg. MADD DOGG?! Do you understand what this even is?!
I’ve fought and beaten Dune, Jared Holmes, Howard Black, Occulo, Corey Black, Scarecrow, Johnny Rabid, Wade Moor, John Gable, Jeff Purse, Jayson Price, Zombie McMorris - only Dune has a victory against me, do you understand yet? Let me help you a little...you lost your Hardcore title once straight up one on one to THIS
*NOTE: Joseph send me a Facebook Messenger gif to demonstrate his point*
*NOTE: Joseph laughed for a good two minutes after sending this. This strange moving image of a masked fat mongoloid man dancing awkwardly seemingly never loses its hilarity to him.*
This is fucking idiotic. This can’t even be a Grime situation, I saw I was facing a fucking spacker motorcycle riding talentless faggot for my title so took it easy on them so I’m not going to let that happen a second time with you. Sorry.
This is the part where you get the ‘I give up’ feeling. It’s okay, it happens: embrace it. I mean, it doesn’t happen to me, I’m going to fucking murder you in the ring but to you this must feel pretty soul destroying. I’m not doing this because I want to make you look or feel stupid, quite the opposite. You are worth every single degree of this heat coming your way. You are a legend in the game, I have to take you seriously, more seriously than anyone in recent memory, I…
...can’t keep a straight face saying this shit. Of course I’m doing this shit to make you feel stupid. I’m embarrassing you right now just like I’m going to embarrass you in the ring on Sunday. You should feel stupid for this, you should feel really stupid actually. Why couldn’t you just fuck about and only wrestle on XIII against people like Jeff Purse and Polar Phantasm? This is where you belong. Not on the main stage, not against the main attraction. I’m not doing this as a favour to you, this is a favour to me. I accepted your challenge to put myself over. I’m not doing anything for you faggot, it’s ironic, Gravedigger is the one getting buried in this match.
You say the World Title is the reason you came back? Well the man holding the World Title is going to be the reason you fuck off back into obscurity once more. This match is nice as nostalgia trip, it’s nice as an intergenerational celebration but as a contest? This is a fucking massacre. I’m going to destroy you on Sunday Gravedigger, this match isn’t close, this is a fucking mismatch. I will punch straight through the Grave like I’m Uma Thurman.
*NOTE: I even ‘screwfaced’ at that one. Sorry Gravedigger: the term ‘screwface’ was taught to me last year. I hate myself.*
*NOTE: Addendum. I don’t hate myself, that was a lie and a falsity. I actually find the comprehensive character assassination of yourself highly amusing. Still, have a great new year. x*
This match is my statement, you are my crash test dummy. I will beat you senseless, then David will do the same thing whenever you decide to nut up and face him. Just be happy I gave you this match and this opportunity. I’m the one doing you the favour with this shit, you’re going to lose….you’re going to look bad in losing while I look like a million bucks. I’m going to dominate every second of our match, standing, on the ground, in the air if needs be. You don’t belong in this match, you belong in a meandering go nowhere feud with Katherine Phoenix that fizzles out after three weeks of multi segemential bullshit. If Katherine Phoenix comes back in place of the ‘dead’ Lilith - I’m killing you and holding you responsible Gravedigger. This is where your standing in the current landscape is, you are not a main event star, you are not a legend to these people, no one even knows who the fuck you are. You are an old, stupid ignorant faggot with a silly name and a terrible judgement of his own skill level against others. So come to the first Slam of the new year, meet the man who hasn’t lost a single wrestling match in the entirety of 2016 and fuck maybe you’ll be the one to finally crack the code after the calendar changes annum, more likely you are going to be the first in a long line of casualties that fall at my feet while trying to reach the promised land.
I am beyond a shadow of a doubt the best wrestler in the world, the best wrestler to ever step through these ropes. I haven’t fought you yet Gravedigger so you don’t know...but you sure as hell will be a believer once I’m through with you. I’m not fighting you to beat you, I’m fighting you to dominate you. I’ve got a new place for you after this match, it’s one pretty familiar to you - it’s six feet deep and has a lovely earthy smell. This isn’t a contest, this is like a tour of Lenin’s tomb...people are just here to view the body.
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: D.Sanchez@WCF.com
Subject: RE: Apologies
right. see u sunday friend :-)
To: D.Sanchez@WCF.com
Subject: RE: Apologies
right. see u sunday friend :-)
From: J.Flash@WCF.com
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE problem
yes
To: LosTiburones@WCF.com
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE problem
yes