Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 6:07:08 GMT -5
Love to hear some feedback on last rp Aside from a few parts that will be confusing to some people, as your not familiar with the character and the few grammatical errors just looking for feedback
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Feedback
Jun 16, 2016 22:39:59 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 22:39:59 GMT -5
Still waiting on feedback...
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 18, 2016 13:16:12 GMT -5
just FYI, WCF isnt known for its prompt feedback. Also, you making posts such as " still waiting" would make people want to help even less. I understand that you want feedback and thats cool, people will give it but be a bit more polite about it.
- The All Father
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2016 13:40:31 GMT -5
!! oh shit, i didnt even realize that i had posted that several hours after i asked.
polite? ok i get yer point, and yeah, i could have been more polite, but please also see this from my side:
i came in and the first thing i posted in the ooc was also meant to be polite and i got met with some unpleasent and impolite responses. you'd think a request from someone who "boasts" like i did requesting for feedback would get met with more replies, more people jumping at the oppertunity to rip my rp apart.
im trying to write a book outside of this, and the feedback is actually welcomed, no matter how "rough" it can be, because i failed english classes growing up.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 18, 2016 13:46:16 GMT -5
__________________________________________
RP: Greg St. Matthews ( Oncoming Storm pt 2 )
Handler: Heavy Metal Machine
Overview thoughts: There is a lot of confusing gimmick switches going on between the characters developmental arcs but aside from that the promo was OK.
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 3
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 2
Flow: 4
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Critical Review:
VERY CRITICAL REVIEW AHEAD
So I’ll start off at the top with HMM grabbing the ref and that’s cool. He’s mad, I get it. But this is suppose to be the HIGHEST PAID WRESTLER IN WCF. WCF, a fluctuating company of upper class promotion to rabid fan promotion has THE HIGHEST PAID CONTRACT in WCF kidnapping a ref for a sacrifice.
I’m sorry dude but those character motivations clash. You cannot be both “ the best wrestler ever” and then also moon light as a cult leader because those two styles just don’t mesh. Frankley, yah you can do what you want and I don’t like to bum people on this stuff but like, those dynamics don’t work together.
HMM is either highly paid on reputation and is trying to pay back his ex wife ( which if hes willing to kill a ref over the ref doing his job, why hasn’t he just off’d his wife? ). I’m just sayin is that you got glaring plot holes that you need to patch up.
As far as the promo, it was OK. And I mean this like old school OK. This is 2002 upper midcard work in feds where five hundred words could get you a sniff at a US title. Your scene description is fine ( for any level ) your character development was fine for what it was and your flow was good. But you just have a substandard promo that doesn’t reflect that evolution of Efeding. You gotta grow and get that promo fleshed out.
Like don’t misunderstand, there isn’t anything inherently bad in this promo but there isn’t anything great. I think you’re struggling. I can read that you’re struggling to transplant a character that has worked for you for X amount of time and you’ve gotten used to him. Unfortunately HMMs cultist side isn’t going to edge him out in anyones minds. That’s been here, done that. I have literally seen over 20 of those types in my 5 years here in WCF. So you’re going to have to figure out how to grow your character and bring him to a new level.
Then theres that shoot. That shoot was weak.
[ "I told the WCF to beware the oncoming storm, yet you still mock me. At Slam, Greg St. Matthews, Nothing is going to stop me from making the match into your blood bath. If you even so much as TRY to fight me," Logan grins, "I will set you to burn." ]
WHY? EXPLAIN. I ( as the reader ) don’t care. There is nothing to get me to take this seriously as the reader to believe a word that HMM is saying. If you have been fedding since 97’, you haven’t been out into the deep end of Efeds where dudes drop 20K and write books for promos. You DO NOT need to do that but you have some elementary shoot that I would expect someone of your experience to be way past.
Suggestions:
- Work on your shoot, get in more detail
- work on your characters clash of story arcs, they muddle him down.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 14:35:13 GMT -5
kool, thanks for the indepth.
I noticed that from the ooc boards with the number of cult leaders running around here, so im going to be getting rid of that in future rps, just gotta get that rhyme to reason on it.
plot holes to fill up, and hopefully i can get those filled soon, but with the past I have to dredge up, this may take several rps to do, but shouldnt be a problem.
just gotta find a new niche somewhere, thats where im struggling. Ive done several things with this character, including the whole cult thing, the wrestling god angle, and a few other angles.
again, thanks for the indepth
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 20, 2016 15:35:41 GMT -5
kool, thanks for the indepth. I noticed that from the ooc boards with the number of cult leaders running around here, so im going to be getting rid of that in future rps, just gotta get that rhyme to reason on it. plot holes to fill up, and hopefully i can get those filled soon, but with the past I have to dredge up, this may take several rps to do, but shouldnt be a problem. just gotta find a new niche somewhere, thats where im struggling. Ive done several things with this character, including the whole cult thing, the wrestling god angle, and a few other angles. again, thanks for the indepth You can run any gimmick you want. You're just running gimmicks that dont mesh with each other. You cant be: 1. The most famous wrestler to come to WCF 2. The highest paid 3. The best 4. The most sadistic 5. And a cult leader They don't mesh. Story wise you can be 1 of things with a 2nd as a subplot. Except for the cult BS, thats all or nothing. We also have 2 or 3 " I'm the best wrestler" cocky type of gimmicks. And a couple of " the most sadistic" and if you went with " the highest paid" I'm sure in story Corey Black would be the highest paid ( or one of ) as he is one of WCFs biggest draws from the last 10 + years. So you'd have to figure that out. That was your whole problem to start. You wanted everyone to just give into your gimmick without giving them proper introduction to your gimmick so it could be believable. As much as it is my job as the reader to give into your gimmick and suspend my disbelief, you need to make me believe it.
|
|
|
Post by Corey Black on Jun 20, 2016 15:41:01 GMT -5
Bought a castle with that 14 year main event cash money.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 20, 2016 15:47:45 GMT -5
Bought a castle with that 14 year main event cash money. ^^^ Thats WCF lore. Thats why when dudes walk into WCF claiming to have some crazy high contract we all collectively roll our eyes. We actually at one point had to discuss and agree upon our fictitious salaries because EVERY damn midcarder wanted the " has a rematch clause and cant be fired or else can bankrupt WCF clause" and no. They cant, won't and don't. realistically the highest paid guys in WCF ( currently still in WCF) would be CD and myself. Followed by Oblivion and Jeff Purse.
|
|
|
Feedback
Jun 20, 2016 15:56:15 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Teo Blaze on Jun 20, 2016 15:56:15 GMT -5
I think Teo del Sol was also written as moderately wealthy, buying a gym and undertaking philanthropic projects.
I always figured that he had high merchandise sales though, which he reinvested into the gym.
Teddy Blaze doesn't care about his salary though lol.
|
|
|
Feedback
Jun 21, 2016 9:33:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by TheButcher on Jun 21, 2016 9:33:58 GMT -5
At this juncture, my character isn't #1 Looking to get paid with $, but rather other wrestler's 'souls.' #2 Under my mask, I'm really Jim Jones (jk) and #3 The Best wrestler? OK, he is that, but that's obvious...
(Yes, I had to add some humor to the thread.. lol)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:29:36 GMT -5
now that was info i didnt know LOL
|
|