Ok
Character development
He's pissed that he lost and things are gonna change. This is something I always struggled with. Now this is just me. But having a heel focus on a loss and have it motivate him isn't a good idea. I would rather he no sell it. Have different motivating factors. Don't dwell on losses but overtly celebrate victories.
The ending though. What the fuck is going on with all those guys. I liked that. I kinda wished you had them enter throughout the role play to kind of break up the role play a bit. Just a little bit of mixing CD and shoot rather than having a very scripted order. Maybe something like
Apoc: You've brought out the worst in me...
The door opens and Jayden Thunder walks in.
Apoc: welcome, there's a pitcher of sheep's blood on the table. Help yourself. Sit tight. I'm expecting more.
Then go on like that. That of course is just a small example. Not something I would expect your character to do but if you would have had characters being introduced throughout the role play I think it would have helped the flow a bit.
As for the flow. I sometimes have a hard time following when it's narrative and when it's dialogue. And it stems from things like this.
Apocalypse: So you wanna peel back the onion layers do ya?
Well like they say...
Apocalypse: Be careful what you wish for... IT just might come true.
Are the words 'well like the say...'
Narrative or internal monologue or a continuation of the dialogue.
I never want to encourage coding because I don't think it should be important but it needs to flow. Maybe use spacing to indicate internal monologue or narrative. Or quotation marks to indicate dialogue
(Ex: This part is a bit more clear)
Apocalypse: "Be careful what you wish for... IT just might come true."
Apocalypse points to the camera.
Apocalypse: "YOU brought this upon yourselves. The Dawn of Apocalypse.
YOU started this game of cat and mouse. YOU have awakened me, giving me my sense of purpose.
I know what I wanna do now. It's time to take down the Machine. It's time to bring down the regime. The Family must go.
My old friend Oblivion has been fighting the Family for weeks along with dealing with Seth's underhanded tactics abusing his power."
Apocalypse smiles.
I think that is a bit easier to follow.
As for shoot. Fuck shoot in multi man matches. Unless you wanna write a novel you can shoot for more than one paragraph per person. However, aside from the shoot on Sanchez I didn't think any of the shoots were effective enough. They were vague and general whereas I think you need to find one thing about your opponent and make it a negative.
Overall it's a C for me. You've done amazingly better. The scenery needs work. The shoot needs expanding and the flow needs to support the story. I think you're stuck using limited resources which could explain a lot. But that's my thoughts. Xoxo.