Fresco (The Art of Regicide)
Apr 22, 2016 19:28:29 GMT -5
The Polar Phantasm, Kaz, and 8 more like this
Post by Joey Flash on Apr 22, 2016 19:28:29 GMT -5
WCF 2K16
The television screen flashes on with the bright bold text displayed:
Sat on his couch in the lavish Malignaggi living room is Lord Joseph of Flashington in a musty ass grey hoodie and sweatpants combo, this is the look of a man who truly doesn’t give a flying fuck the cameras are there to film him today. Down the front of his top lay a concoction of stains, it reads like a menu of what he ate today. From the looks of it; cereals, tomato soup and from the looks of a very dry, crusty stain around the waistline Joseph had also spent some quality time with his right hand and a Shane Diesel black on blonde video. From the placement of the stain Joseph appeared to the discerning viewer to be very much a ‘dribbler’, not the most pleasing or satisfying of orgasm. You will never see him firing thick ropes like a Winston Burbank or a Manuel Ferrara, nor will you even see him spraying thin, watery shots like a prime Preston Parker. In fact Joseph often got very insecure around his phallus. He didn’t discuss it much, but the anxiety was there every time.
True, he has a thick piece but sadly length was not his strong suit. He watched enviously and full of sadness as he watched his favourite performers get really hard and chiselled like Mike Adriano's or Jesse Jones. Even when poor Joseph is at his most aroused his erections are characterized by a kind of droopiness, not to mention the aesthetically unpleasing right-curve of his shaft.
Interracial often made poor Joseph feel virtually cuckolded, the dominance; size and power made him avert his eyes in awkwardness as the white girls were satisfied in a way he knew he could never hope to achieve. It’s why Mike Adriano is the king of porn for him. Dick always super hard and he rims the girls out like nobody else. He's managed to build up such a strong tongue that he can make girls' assholes gape just from rimming them. His only weakness is the cumshot; he's a really weak shooter. Joseph felt safe with this man, he felt a kinship.
Things better than a Grayson Pierce promo: pornography discussion.
Things better at shooting than Grayson Pierce: Joey’s dribbling cock.
Flash pressed ‘start’.
Joey: Welcome to Joey Flash plays video games, a new series like those faggots on YouTube who play games and scream and shit whilst blathering with no wit or intelligence…huh, sounds like Grayson Pierce would probably be quite successful there-
Flash whips his phone from the pocket of his stained-ass hoodie and his fingers dash across the virtual keyboard.
Joey: “PewDiePierce has uploaded a new video” PewDiePierce?! Fucking PewDiePierce?! Die in a fire.
He pockets his phone and smashes through the loading screen of the game.
Joey: Here today I am going to be fighting a simulated match against Grayson Pierce. Let’s see how we do!
Joey: That’s right folks; I’m going to be playing the part of Grayson to see if I can finally try to drag him to a win over Joey Flash.
Another screen pops up with ‘Select Difficulty’
God Tier (Insanity) – Playing this mode is like facing Joey Flash in the ring for real, do you dare take the challenge?
Hall of Fame (Very Hard) – Fancy yourself as the next Creeping Death huh?
World Champion (Hard) – Only the best can compete at the top, you have to be elite to take on the wrestlers here!
Superstar (Medium) – Got your feet wet huh kid? Let’s see if you can get your sh*t in!
Mid-carder (Easy) – Want an easy, fun match? Experience what it’s like for Joey Flash to fight Grayson Pierce.
Flash mulls the options and scans down even further.
Jobber (Very Easy) – Adam Young difficulty.
Joey: Good, that one will do.
With the selection of the jobber difficulty, the loading screen takes an achingly long time. The complete opposite of a Joey Flash cumshot, this motherfucker lives up to his name. The arena is loaded and best believe Joey skips the shit out of entrances, why the fuck would he watch that shit, it’s the exact same fucking animations every time, if he had to say, write his own entrance he would be tempted to make subtle alterations to make it so like an elephant accompanies him to the ring one week and the next week he has a face looking like a rat. Anyway, he didn’t write his entrance: this was a fucking video game and as I said, he skipped the shit out of it.
Zach Davis: Hello and welcome to this clash of the titans, Joey Flash takes on Grayson Pierce in another clash in their storied rivalry.
Freddy Whoa: WHOA! You better wind yo shit in ‘fore I go upside ya head nigga.
Joey in his great wisdom had downloaded the ‘Freddy Whoa – The D’Angelo Hall edition’ mod for the colour commentator. It made the game far more interesting than the monotonous drivel Whoa spouts on the weekly.
Wavedigger: I am Wavedigger and welcome to-
The game had been released when Gravedigger was still affiliated to #BeachKrew and the lazy developers at 2k Sports had not released a patch to change it. Twats.
Wavedigger: -another time where Flash takes Grayson Pierce’s head off!
The two combatants take centre stage in the middle of the ring, Pierce and Flash prepared to lock up.
Joey: Okay Flash it’s time for you to take a beating you fucking dago. Let’s go Grayson!
Grayson Pierce fires a right hand at Flash only for Joey to duck out of the way and pepper Pierce with a powerful overhand right, dropping him immediately.
Joey: WHAT THE FUCK?
Zach Davis: Great right hand from Flash here, he’s in vintage form.
Freddy Whoa: He just dropped that nigga like I dropped parental responsibilities to my seven kids ya feel me?
Wavedigger: It’s over already.
Flash circles Pierce and fires a taunt his way. If this were Wrestemania 2000 or No Mercy this motherfuckers ‘SPECIAL’ bar would be glowing in a matter of moments the amount of taunts he is laying in there. Pierce is slow to his feet.
Joey: Fucking unresponsive piece of shit, get the fuck up-
Before Pierce can do anything Flash is already on top of him, circling and popping him with blistering jabs before ducking under a grapple attempt and launching Grayson across the ring with a German suplex.
Joey: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE JOBBER MODE!
Flash hits him with another taunt, this time a crotch grab.
Freddy Whoa: This nigga grabbing his dick like he finna bust right in Grayson face ya dig?
Zach Davis: This is embarrassing.
Wavedigger: I realise as a video game commentator I should be offering some hope to you here but let’s face it, you’re getting destroyed on Jobber mode, you probably should just kill yourself.
Pierce makes one last desperate effort to charge at Flash.
Joey: COME ON, GET HIM- AH FUCK NO…
The in game crowd, Zach Davis, Freddy Whoa, Wavedigger, Joey and the camera crew all shout in unison.
ZachWhoaDiggerFlashCameraFans: ZA WARUDO!!!!!!!!!
The screen glitches for a moment and then comes back into focus to find Flash on top of Pierce for the pin.
1…
2…
3!!!
Zach Davis: In the least surprising news in sporting history, Joey Flash has beaten Grayson Pierce.
Freddy Whoa: This nigga got lit up on easy mode like Katt Williams bitchass getting choked by a fuckin child.
Wavedigger: I have no snide remark. You know how bad you are Player One.
Joey: Fuck this shit.
He tosses the controller across the room.
Joey: How?! I’ve been playing all day, even on fucking hard mode and winning with ease so why does this happen? Even on the easiest of modes I can barely even get a hit in, is this really what it’s like to be Grayson when fighting me? I don’t fucking understand. You can’t even beat Joey Flash on jobber mode you worthless bastard Pierce!
He is shouting at the image of Grayson’s grinning mug on the ‘Character Select’ screen.
Joey: How are you so bad? Why?! How do you even compete in real life if this is how bad it is for you? I think I have a newfound respect for your persistence at least fuckin hell.
He clicks the television off; he couldn’t stomach that smiling ass stupid face any more. It was time to finally end the career of Grayson Pierce.
Kingslayer
Joey: So once again we’re here Grayson. You know it’s funny; I sat down and watched the number one contenders match with such anticipation and excitement. I grabbed some popcorn and a beer, sat my ass down ready, my body was quivering just waiting. Who would I be facing next? Would it be Gemini ‘Joey Flash’s bottom bitch slash nutrag’ Battle? Would it be Wade ‘Bodied and sent him running from the federation’ Moor or maybe I would finally get an opponent I would get excited by and Steve Orbit would come out victorious. As I watched the match unfold it dawned on me that no matter what either of the other men tried to do it was meaningless. Orbit was not winning the match; Wade was not winning the match. Of course. The wrestling Gods have a funny sense of humour that’s for sure, I’ve learned it well over the years so here comes little plucky Grayson Pierce, perennial under(achiever)dog picking up the win. Confetti falls, people celebrate and Grayson Pierce leaves the ring with his head held high. He is once more the number one contender for the World Championship, the same status he held in the Wrestling Championship Federation’s flagship event.
He walks to the back with his head held high but the sickening feeling is slowly growing like a malignant tumour in his gut. The World Champion isn’t a man you ever wanted to see in a ring again. Your own success has only tightened the noose around your own wrestling career. Here you are Grayson; this is the match you tell everyone you always wanted. It’s right here on a silver platter for you.
Joey Flash vs Grayson Pierce, for the World Title.
However inside that warped mind of yours it’s playing a little different, see you do what you do to keep up appearances. You talk your game, you hype the crowd and you have them chanting for you, have them finally dreaming on the what ifs, what if Grayson Pierce wins, what if Seth loses his virginity, what if Joey Flash nonsensically teams with like, ratboy Jared Holmes or some shit…you get where I’m going with this. It’s Harlem Globetrotters vs Washington Generals VII or whatever the fuck match we’re on now.
I’m not mad; I’m not upset or angry that I have to face you again. This is my bread and butter; this is the easiest match in the entire federation for me. You can keep Bad News Benson, you can keep Adam Young, and you can keep every time I’ve faced a member of #BeachKrew because the one match that is the closest thing to a certainty in the wrestling world is the World Title match coming at Aftermath. This is Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson levels of ridiculousness at the casinos. They aren’t even taking bets on this one anymore; this is how bad it is. I know what you’re thinking though, theme alert…’what if?’ See in that match Mike Tyson, the undisputed, undefeated dominant force in the world was stopped in his tracks by an underdog so unheralded that the stretchers for Douglas were at ringside in preparation for the brutal finish. Yet in that one it was Tyson who needed the medical attention.
Will the same thing happen with us? Will the unheralded underdog manage to defeat the greatest wrestler in the world? Not in a world where I exist.
I’m not mad that I have to face you. I am mad about only one thing to do with this match. The fact that I am going to have to listen to a set of promotional videos of you limping meekly from point to point, flubbing every promising angle you have, dragging out a meaningless overarching theme that due to the boredom induced people have forgotten about by the time you’re finished…shall I keep going? You flip flop between character ideals so readily it makes me wonder how dedicated you are to the wrestling business, if I presented my throat for you to rip out you would probably give it a sensual nibble, you are fucking impotent Grayson.
Is this getting a bit too real for you? Look, look, I’m not using curse words; I’m not being racist, sexist or homophobic. I’m just laying down pure simple unfiltered fact. Your promos, your matches, your whole persona promotes like you’re the greatest in the world, that you will win Match A then win Match B and all of a sudden you’re going to be World Champion, yet it never happens. Your mouth writes only Rainchecks, well Grayson consider this evisceration my gift to you, I’m going to let you cash it on Sunday night.
A reality check.
Flash pauses for effect at the camera, whose operator has a face like he just sucked a damn lemon. Joey smiles and lowers the controller as he stands up with a stretch before zipping his hooded top up and motioning for the camera to follow him. We exit the Malignaggi abode and head into the back garden area, the trees were still with no wind and the night was clear as moonlight bathed the World Champion in an ethereal glow.
Joey: How many times is it going to be before you finally get the picture Grayson hmm? Are we going to be here in five years’ time rehashing the same old shit over and over before we dance a metronomic waltz where you end up flat on your back once again with me standing over you as your conqueror? Our fights, this night replays in your mind every moment of every day. I bet even now you are hyping yourself like you can win this one. What was the last theme of our match that you pinpointed so beautifully, a comparison so very very apt, even more apt that you didn’t even understand its significance. I AM your white whale.
You are still chasing me, trying to reclaim the sanity, the manhood, the future that you once had, the future I erased as pure instinct. This will be the moment Ahab is finally consumed by his obsession. I will end it all Grayson. Your main event status, your World Title aspirations, your aspiration to finally defeat Joey Flash in a big match is going to be charred to an unrecognisable visage. This is going to be your breaking point Grayson, let’s think about this for a second: where do you go from here? When you lose I mean. What is left for you?
Joey Flash is the king of the mountain. The one person you can’t beat holding the one thing you want more than anything else in the world. Want to know what this smells like to me?
Flash sniffs at the chill twilight air.
Joey: This smells like the end of your career. Not on the ‘I’ve been beaten so badly and my body is broken and ravaged’ kind of tip, but on the ‘Fuck it, nothing I ever do is good enough, I can never beat this guy so what’s the fucking point anymore?’ kind. Let’s face it, what IS the point? What is the point of your career? You are a fucking joke at this point. You are a running punchline. Ho ho ho lets put Grayson against Joey once more, yeah, let’s all laugh at one man’s incessant humiliation, that man having to return to his wife and be consoled to sleep with tears in his eyes that once again everything he was, everything he is as a wrestler just wasn’t enough. That’s funny isn’t it?
Well I’m not laughing. Not anymore. There is nothing remotely funny about this situation, having to fight me in this match. There is nothing funny about a man having his livelihood and his dreams beaten out of him and seeing him crumble under the force of the one true constant in this business: Joey Flash wins.
Flash holds his hands up and smiles.
Joey: Let me give you some props though, the last time we fought you really tested me, to the fucking limit. You hurt me, you hurt me bad. Your face beat the shit out of my fist, it was so swollen and deformed I couldn’t wear my wedding ring for a whole week.
You monster.
You weak fucking faggot. Yeah, we’re getting to it now, look, swear words, homophobic slurs and everything. It’s time to turn that bodybag to a closed casket. You have absolutely nothing for me this week, or any week. Your promo material is B+ at its best, your ring work is C-, I have seen absolutely everything you have to offer. There is nothing new you can bring to the table against me Grayson, there is no ace in the hole, there is no hidden final power up that you’re going to suddenly unveil now it is the biggest match of our one sided, sad, sorry series. This is routine, this is inevitable.
You are the prime example of why in this business there is Joey Flash and then there is everyone else. In any other company in the world you would be undeniably the number one, the numero uno, you would shatter fucking RECORDS Grayson, you’d be the MAN. Here, you’re just…another guy. It’s been a funny couple of months for me here, thrust into a position I had absolutely no desire for I never intended for any of this to happen. I was happy going my own way, doing my own thing. With Joey Flash, I don’t need the recognition, I don’t need the adulation, I don’t need the gold around my waist for everyone to know my status in the WCF. I am God here.
I didn’t want to hold the World Title for one reason, I didn’t want it. However….life has a funny way of working out doesn’t it? Joey Flash got booked against Grayson Pierce in a number one contenders match. It was at that point I decided to become champion again. I didn’t do it to become World Champion, to affirm my skills…I did it to affirm YOURS. To show not to the world, but to YOU how absolutely dogshit you are, how so far below my level you are, how no matter how hard you try no matter what you do it will never, ever be enough.
So here I am, three months later and look what we have. This shit is getting ridiculous right now to see the leader of the peasants trying to batter down the door to the throne room. Shall I let you inside Grayson? Should I tell you what it’s like to be king? No fuck it…I’m going to SHOW you.
Every time we fight it’s the same old shit, every time anyone steps to my transcendent level it’s the same old shit.
- Some shit about me being a ‘Flash’ in the pan.
- Some shit about me being the ‘next Jonny Fly’ but, obviously, clearly (record and accomplishments at the same point of our careers not taken into account) not as good.
- Bringing up Grime more often than a good cleaning product.
- Adam Young
- Some shit about dead children.
Now, are we done Grayson? No, this is your ‘last chance’ you’re fighting for your career. All that soppy, tugging at the heartstrings shit. You don’t defeat Joey Flash through sympathy. You don’t defeat Joey Flash, period.
This shit that every opponent ever talks about is starting to get rather…irrelevant, isn’t it? Here are the facts. I have the best record in WCF history, I have just completed the most dominant and influential debut year in WCF history, I could retire tomorrow and be inducted to the Hall of Fame, my title record, my big match record is fucking immaculate. What is left Grayson? What do you have to beat me with? What does ANYONE have at this point?
‘Winning every week is not a gimmick’ that was a line I heard before I even had my debut match here. I took that shit as a personal challenge. What happens when that IS the gimmick? What happens when that IS the fact and what are you going to do about it? Well, let me tell you…no theme alert…I’m going to SHOW you.
Flash produces some lipstick from his pocket and holds it toward the camera before smearing it wildly across his mouth. It looks like Stevie Wonder was his makeup artist.
Joey: You’ve had what? Six? Seven chances? I’m not going to be so harsh as to not throw you a bone for persistence, more to the point I am not going to let the fans have to sit through another set of god awful promos.
Joey reaches a hand into his hoodie pocket to fish out a pack of white powder; it’s shocking how deep these pockets are. This shit is like a magician’s hat. This shit is deeper than Katherine Phoenix’s vagina…rest in peace!!!! He pulls it open and begins to pat the powder over his face.
Joey: I think it’s time to show the rest of you peons how this shit is supposed to be done.
He holds his right hand out as he smiles, before drawing the open palm backward to the top of his head. He lowers his hand slowly and we are treated to a completely different expression and demeanour, there is a soft, slight twinge in Joey’s voice as he speaks.
Gemini Flash: Hello Joey. How are you doing? How is the World Title treating you? I see you had a successful first defence, go you. You beat a man who was just waiting for an excuse to take a break from the federation. You must be proud. I am so happy for you that you managed to find a belt to hold up your false happiness, plastic smile and overstated bravado for longer than a week.
Gemini smil- no…Gemini doesn’t smile. This is not a smiling matter; this is a real, world title winning promotional video. This is something that Grayson Pierce could never, ever, even dream of.
Gemini Flash: I’m facing the great Joey Flash this week. The man with all those accomplishments, the man with the incredible record, the man with all the talent in the world; what is it you said?
”I have the best record in WCF history, I have just completed the most dominant and influential debut year in WCF history, I could retire tomorrow and be inducted to the Hall of Fame, my title record, my big match record is fucking immaculate.”
Facts, right?
No, Joey, THESE are facts. You are an insecure odious little shit who hides his lack of true self-esteem and confidence behind a padded shiny record, a nigh on non-existent main event singles career: picking up cupcake win after cupcake win. Let me tell you people a little something about Joey Flash, he exudes confidence, control and power yet I see beyond that. I see your body language, I see your hesitancy, I look into your eyes and I understand it all. You might have the physique of predator, but your mind is like that of a fucking rabbit trying to avoid the dangers of the world every day.
When Seth Lerch signed you to a contract it was already decided in his mind ‘If this man stays committed, he is my future, he is my world champion’. You had everything in the palm of your hand from the moment you stepped through those doors, maybe you didn’t see it but trust me, the rest of us did. ‘The next Jonny Fly’ was not a moniker you labelled yourself, not a moniker anybody in the back gave you, because trust me, you don’t hold a candle to him in any way shape or form – but we’ll get to that. That title came from none other than Seth Lerch himself. You had just been given the biggest seal of approval in the entire federation and what did you do with? You spat in Lerch’s face. You bit the hand that was going to feed you the world. You had the keys to the kingdom in your hand and you just tossed them away.
It’s not because you lost, everyone loses. Don’t for one second think your single digits loss column makes you any better than me, than anyone else. All it shows me is not that you are overcoming all these great challenges and proving that you really ARE the best, it shows me that you fucking incredible at avoiding anything that seems like it might be a challenge.
Case in point: Ultimate Showdown time and the chance is finally there, now it’s time to show the world how great you are, you’ve been telling us long enough Joey, so go and prove it. You want to fight Fly so bad? There he is. You want to fight Dune so bad? There he is. You want to fight Scarecrow so bad…the list goes on and on Joey. You could have fought tooth and nail to get a title in the build in order to secure your spot; you could have won the match that allowed a non-champion in. But no, that’s not you is it Joey? You’re too scared to face most of these men alone let alone have all of them in the ring with you. Got to protect that record, got to protect that brand eh Joey? It’s pathetic. So you end up fighting on the undercard against I don’t even fucking know, you probably won. Well motherfucker, SO WHAT? All you won is apathy from the crowd and a growing frustration that you are treating the business like a joke.
Then you decided to kick up a big fuss like the pathetic child you are when you saw Thomas Bates get his World Title shot before you: news flash – Bates EARNED that. He finished second in Ultimate Showdown; he had an incredible record, a great winning streak and guess what Joey? He had already beaten you. Twice, actually. What was your case to get the match with Dune? ‘Bu-buh- I have been attacking him and really want a match with him!’ guess what Joey; the world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s not the Joey Flash show, but no, little Joey had to have his bottle so you finally got to face Dune at War.
The most hotly anticipated match of modern times. You won. You actually won…then you had the shortest World Title reign in WCF history, you lasted all of twenty minutes. Funny, that’s nineteen and a half longer than you do when fucking your cunt wife.
Gemini does smile…a little.
Gemini Flash: Your big match was set at One, a rematch with Dune. The match to end everything. The two ‘best’ wrestlers in the company square off to see who the king of the mountain is. The ‘best big match wrestler’ in the company stepped into the ring in the biggest match of his career, with the biggest ramifications personally and professionally…and fucking lost.
That one loss for you equates to about fifty on everyone else’s record. You would have traded every single one of your wins for victory that night; you would have ended your career, your life for a win that night. But life doesn’t work that way. You were beaten, clean. Now tell me, what’s worse Joey? Having twenty losses on your record or the throbbing headaches, sleepless nights, and never-ending hollow sadness that comes with the fact that you couldn’t defeat the man who had murdered your son.
To me, this match is what that one was for you; no disrespect to Christian, Rest in Peace…but this is a match I simply HAVE to win. There are no ifs ands or buts. This is it for me. This is everything I ever dreamed of; this is the pinnacle of my career. Joey Flash for the World Title, I am not going to be like you and let this one slip. I am going to crush you and show you what it’s like to really face the fury of a man who is fighting with his heart and soul on the line. For you this is a paycheck, this is a standard defence against a man you beat every time…to me; it’s my one fucking opportunity to sleep well with no regrets and nothing haunting my dreams. It’s my one chance to tell you straight to your face as I’m stood over you victorious ‘Not this time’.
Will I have finally beaten a legend? A Hall of Famer? No. You are no Hall of Famer; you are no legend of the game. You a conniving coward who has lied, wormed and manipulated his way to every position of prominence. Imperium would have been the biggest and most dominant stable in the history of the federation but for the one mistake they made. They thought Joey Flash would be their future; instead he was the cause of their destruction. You tried to milk them for their success, you intended to get close to Beckman before sneaking the World Title but even that didn’t work.
With Imperium dead, what does Joey Flash do? Well Jonny Fly is still in the federation. He is back and he is at full force. Here is your chance. Let’s see it, let’s see the match that everyone has been dreaming about since your debut here. Are we finally going to see Jonny Fly vs Joey Flash?
Yes?
No, instead you’re going to fucking team up with him. What…the…fuck? That’s like Batman and Superman being hyped to fight and then teami- okay bad example, but still! At least they fucking punched each other and shit. Your short, ineffectual tag reign was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the tag division. The greatest team to never even have a defence. You vacated that shit without even so much as a whiff of a defence and Jonny Fly just disappeared. It’s the Joey Flash effect again; everything you touch turns to shit around you. You suck the life out of everything that comes into contact with you, fucking parasite.
I bet if you teamed up with Dune, you’d suck the life and will to fight out of him too wouldn’t you- oh…wait.
Gemini grins.
Gemini Flash: That happened too. That was the equivalent of Oscar Schindler tagging up with Yung Adolf, what in holy fuck were the pair of you thinking? Mullins Jr as well? It’s as if you go through life teaming with people who you either feud with or pose any kind of threat to your prestigious position and rather than facing them in the ring and settling things for good you make moves to get rid of them without ever even having to fight. It’s brilliant; really, I could applaud you if I wasn’t so appalled by you. You aren’t getting rid of ME that way Joseph. I will never team with you, I will never so much as hold a hand out for you to shake once I am done beating you. I am the one person you will never be able to sink your poisonous talons in, I am your antithesis, I am your destruction, I am your penance for all the pain you have caused, all the lies, all the deceit and all the backstabbing. The chickens are finally coming home to roost on the career of Joseph Malignaggi.
Gemini runs a hand through his mop of black hair and looks toward the moon.
Gemini Flash: It’s getting late…late for your title reign Joseph. We are reaching the epoch of your success here; this is where your story ends. It’s over…
The camera cuts off…
…then back on.
Gemini Flash: Oh who the fuck am I kidding? This is how you win a World Title Grayson, watch and fucking learn you plebeian. Joey Flash, you’re about to get this good work. I’m beating the shit out myself right now; it’s like watching the end of Fight Club.
Let’s get deep on you right now Joey Flash. Successful wrestler, gangster, husband, and philanthropist: you have done great things with your career, with your life. You have the house, the cars, and the adulation. What is it everyone seems to be forgetting? What is it Joey Flash doesn’t have? A clean urine sample.
You’re not recovered, you’re not recovering, you, Joey, are a fucking addict. Ecstacy, Cocaine, Crack, Heroin, is there anything that doesn’t have its claws in your weak mind? If WCF had drug testing you would be the first guy popped, this is a federation where half the roster wrestles drunk. You though Flash, you’re not even repentant, you’re not even trying. You say shit like ‘this is my sanctuary’ and try to act high and mighty like you’re beyond the ravages of addiction. Well the deterioration has already started, right now you’re calling all the shots, you’re the fucking boss. If anyone gets in your way professionally you are all proactive picking up the phone:
‘I need a hitman’
Then the urge hits and you lift the phone up once more.
‘I need a hit, man’
You weak maggot, you bathe and revel in the fake confidence of intoxication. I bet before every match you warm up by hitting that glass like a layup drill.
Gemini Flash screwfaces at how badly he is killing himself.
Gemini Flash: I’ll go one step further, it’s probably a blessing Christian died when he did, Daddy was a hero rather than an addled, pockmarked, dick sucking for change failure of a parent. You make me sick. You have been given all the talents in the world, all the gifts, shit I can’t even dream of, no matter all the work I do in the gym…you’re right, there is no catching up. Yet with the way you are destroying yourself you’re going to come right back down to earth, this Sunday I’m going to be the comedown of all comedowns. Maybe this will be the beating that finally sobers you the fuck up to be a responsible, respectable person…as you hand the belt over to me. I doubt it though, that’s not how this sociopathic mind works, you are god of this realm, everyone must bow, you are fucking untouchable. Well Capone, I’m your Elliot Ness. You are no longer welcome here; the poison in your veins isn’t going to have time to get you…because I’m going to get you first. You are toxic, well shit the only thing more toxic than your body right now…is your fucking marriage.
It’s like Gemini just swallowed a fucking shot of Listerine how he screwfacing right now!!!
Gemini Flash: I guess if I had the home life you had, I’d probably try to numb everything too. You have been manipulated, undermined and controlled for the past seven years of your life and you don’t even realise it. The mastermind of professional wrestling seems to have one single weakness in this world, women. Alessandra, Phoenix, Thursday, every single one of them has you dancing to their tune and you don’t even realise it. Is it some kind of blind spot in your otherwise impeccable impregnable defence? You seem to almost subconsciously understand your weakness, you say shit like ‘Women should be banned from wrestling’ and ‘I never want to fight a woman’. What comes off as ignorant and sexist, I mean shit, that’s probably even what you think right? Get some cheap heat it’s all good.
However deep down your mind is trying to warn you that the true poison to Joey Flash is the sweet scent of vagina and the female mind. Every part of your personal life has been orchestrated by your wife, you go along with it and take it at face value forgetting the fact she has lied to you from the start…about everything. If that bitch said ‘Hi’ to me, I would probably think THAT was a lie. Still, Joey Flash goes through life thinking everything he has he has earned with his own two hands. Money, power, status, you’re the fucking KING Joseph. Yet as in chess, as in your life, it’s the Queen that controls the destiny of everything else on the board. The only success you’ve ever had on your own is in the centre of that squared circle. I’ll hold my hands up; you’ve done that all by yourself. That’s why it’s going to be all that sweeter Joey.
Taking that one thing that you’ve truly earned in life and making it mine.
You are finished Joey. It doesn’t matter what angles you take, it doesn’t matter what bullshit you come with this week. You are my destiny; this match is a forgone conclusion. I am going to do what you do to so many others; I’m going to humiliate you on the biggest stage possible. I’m going to march into the throne room, and do you so fucking bad people are going to be calling me Jaime Lannister as I stand over your fallen body triumphant…
…as ‘The Kingslayer’.
Gemini Flash takes a deep breath and exhales a deep breath before producing yet another item from the wizards sleeve that are his hoodie pockets, wet wipes motherfucker. In one deft motion he transforms from Gemini Flash back to the World Champion Joey.
Joey: Do you see the difference now Grayson? I think it is painfully apparent the difference between you and I, this is the lesson you are going to learn this time. I will force it down your fucking throat. I am much, much better than you. I always have been and I always will be. This is no game, this is not a match that you can waltz into, get your shit off, laugh and joke like you’re somehow going to put a dent on my divine armour. In this one promo I have done more damage to Joey Flash than my last fifty opponents combined, this is a lesson not just to you, but to the entire federation. This is why I am World Champion. It is no fluke, it is not by luck, people don’t become World Champion just because ‘it’s their time’ or ‘they want it more’ people become World Champion because of two things.
1) Otherworldly Talent
2) The mind-set of a coldblooded killer in the ring
Grayson Pierce has both of those things and on any other night against any other opponent maybe it would ‘be his time’…but I am no simple World Champion. I am the one true dominant force in this federation. I have been from day fucking one, from the moment I pinned Taz Taylor to right this second when I’m preparing to end the career of the biggest nuisance in the federation. You must have nine lives or some shit because no matter how many times I kill you ya just don’t die. Well that all changes this time. This is your biggest test, this IS your moment and I am going to enjoy every Ralph Wiggum heartbreaking second of crushing you. I will pause and rewind ad-naseum at the moment on Sunday where you finally realise that no matter what you have…it’s just not enough, that it was never enough, that it never will be enough.
Flash holds a finger toward the camera.
Joey: Let’s switch it up, my next opponent has been announced and for me this match on Sunday is a fucking prelude to the real main event. May 13th.
Allen Guiliano vs Joey Flash.
This is a match that will break fucking records. The PPV numbers are going to be through the roof at the very thought of this match. The big return of Slickie-T, the heralded, revered, consensus Top 3 wrestler in the history of the federation, a man who has not competed in years returning for one night only…and a man who I am going to fucking annihilate. We’ll get to you Allen, don’t worry. This is going to be a baptism by fucking nuclear warhead, Ciao Bella.
Flash smiles.
I am sorry if the prospect of fighting this man gets me a tad more excited than the upcoming title defence with a guy I’ve already bodied more times than I can fuckin remember. Unless you haven’t guessed I have bigger fish to fry than you Grayson…in case you’re wondering: haddock.
Joey gets a mean mug on once more.
Joey: I am not underestimating you Grayson. This is a match that I want just as much as you. This is a match I need. I am not going to be satisfied until your career is over and I never have to deal with you again. I’m not entering this contest looking to beat you, I’m entering this looking to really fucking hurt you. Usually I’m happy with crushing someone’s pride, someone’s spirit or someone’s body; I take my pick on the night but this time it’s different. This time I’m coming for it fucking all.
Mexican Stand-Off
The wind begins to pick up around Joseph for a moment before dying down as quickly as it came, moments of silence pass until it is broken by the sound of clapping. Slow, rhythmic, theatrical slapping of skin on skin echoes through the night sky. Joey turns round to see the source of the applause to find The Mirror Ball Messiah, The King in Yellow, The Chosen One, The Celestial Shark, The Omnipredator, The Intergalactic Christ, The Man With a Thousand Fucking Nicknames, The 6ix God Jared Holmes.
Jared: Beautiful. Truly.
Flash stares at his Aryan friend/enemy? and gives him a glib smile.
Joey: Do you often stalk round people’s private property listening to people talking to themselves?
Jared: Only the interesting ones.
Jared approaches the camera and gives it smile.
Jared: Hello, are you still recording?
The cameraman nods.
Jared: Good. Hey Grayson! I hear you have another dead kid?
Joey: Enough-
Jared: Bro, let me work.
Joey: No dead baby jokes.
Jared: Grayson, want to know how to stop people telling dead baby jokes? Stop having so many dead babies. Want to know the difference between your babies and me? I am alive. Have you heard the one about the dead baby and Katherine Phoenix, it-
Joey: ENOUGH!
Jared pouts and concedes.
Jared: It’s your call. I was just adding some flavour and gravitas.
Joey: Why the fuck are you even here? Isn’t a dinner date once a week good enough for you?
Jared: Yours or mine this week?
For the past month the Malignaggi’s had been either entertaining or being entertained by Jared Holmes and Thursday Kerrigan once a week for ‘date nights’. Every participant knew the more sinister undertones, the veiled hidden emotion behind the lacquer masks as they discussed the arts, philosophy and politics, laughed and joked around a bottle of the finest Italian red and tantalised each other’s taste buds but it was almost as if they were enjoying this little game of thrones they were playing, you win or you die…but as Malignaggi and Holmes stood under the moonlight they both understood one fact: they were sure as shit enjoying playing.
Joey: Yours. You’re cooking.
Jared: Ooooo. Should I do pasta?
Joey: Don’t embarrass yourself.
Jared: I’ll think of something. Nice top by the way.
Flash smiled as he regarded his stained hoodie.
Joey: I wasn’t expecting a fuckin fashionista to randomly walk from the back of my garden at the dead of night, sorry for that.
Jared: Apology accepted.
Joey: You didn’t answer my question.
Jared cocked his head in a fake quizzical motion.
Jared: Hmm?
Joey: What are you doing here?
Jared smiles at him and approaches until the men are separated only by a couple of feet.
Jared: I just came to watch. That’s all. It was…beautiful. I could feel the b(u)ern so badly it made me want to go hit the polling booth. The way you do it, the way you just…dissect with such fury, it’s-
He licks his lips.
Jared: Invigorating. You know…we’re going to be fighting each other next month. You will win this one, you will beat Slickie-T, I will beat Kyle Kemp and then it’s just us two left, no more distractions, no more outsiders. You are the one I’ve always wanted.
He raises a hand to Joey’s cheek.
Jared: I don’t want to rush though, no no. That won’t do, will it Joey?
Flash catches his wrist and squeezes, giving him a shove away.
Joey: It’s your funeral. I might as well give you the courtesy of deciding the date.
Jared: Really? You’d do that for little ol’ me? I’m flattered.
Jared’s face turns from giggles to a serious glare in an instant.
Jared: Okay then. I lied when I said I just came to watch.
Joey: No shit.
Jared: You told me last month: “Unless you have something incredible for me, never contact me again.” Right? Well Joseph here I am, contacting you. Let me tell you what I have found out. You can win your matches, I can win mine and we don’t have to fight in May. I want to crush you Joseph, I want to destroy you so badly, I want to see the muscles under those perfect cheekbones contort in pain-
Joey: I’m going to kill you, you know that right?
Jared throws his arms out and laughs.
Jared: THAT is the fun. Right there, no one has ever said that to me before, believed it and meant it. Your conviction is stunning.
Joey takes a step toward Jared, his demeanour completely changed.
Joey: You need to really watch your next words carefully, don’t say something you can’t take back.
Jared matches the step and the two are face to face.
Jared: Or what?
Joey: I send you back to Thursday in a bag…and another bag…and another.
Jared is delighted with that answer; he steps back and laughs again.
Jared: You want this, right?
Joey: Pick a date faggot.
Jared: You haven’t listened to my offer yet.
Joey motions with a hand for him to continue.
Jared: As I was saying, there is a way for us to prolong this dance of ours; we haven’t even gotten past the two step yet. One simple way for us to not fight in May, see there is a little tournament going on, the two sets of finalist’s fight for the right to challenge the World Champion and get a shot at the Tag Belts…the final happens at the same Pay Per View that our match would happen at…yet if either or both of us gets to the final, then our match will be postponed for whenever. What I’m trying to say is, there is a way for us both to get what we want…
Jared stalks over to Flash and places his hand on Joey’s shoulder.
Jared: You and I. We win the Trios Tournament.
The television screen flashes on with the bright bold text displayed:
‘WCF 2k16 – Hit ‘start’ to continue’
Sat on his couch in the lavish Malignaggi living room is Lord Joseph of Flashington in a musty ass grey hoodie and sweatpants combo, this is the look of a man who truly doesn’t give a flying fuck the cameras are there to film him today. Down the front of his top lay a concoction of stains, it reads like a menu of what he ate today. From the looks of it; cereals, tomato soup and from the looks of a very dry, crusty stain around the waistline Joseph had also spent some quality time with his right hand and a Shane Diesel black on blonde video. From the placement of the stain Joseph appeared to the discerning viewer to be very much a ‘dribbler’, not the most pleasing or satisfying of orgasm. You will never see him firing thick ropes like a Winston Burbank or a Manuel Ferrara, nor will you even see him spraying thin, watery shots like a prime Preston Parker. In fact Joseph often got very insecure around his phallus. He didn’t discuss it much, but the anxiety was there every time.
True, he has a thick piece but sadly length was not his strong suit. He watched enviously and full of sadness as he watched his favourite performers get really hard and chiselled like Mike Adriano's or Jesse Jones. Even when poor Joseph is at his most aroused his erections are characterized by a kind of droopiness, not to mention the aesthetically unpleasing right-curve of his shaft.
Interracial often made poor Joseph feel virtually cuckolded, the dominance; size and power made him avert his eyes in awkwardness as the white girls were satisfied in a way he knew he could never hope to achieve. It’s why Mike Adriano is the king of porn for him. Dick always super hard and he rims the girls out like nobody else. He's managed to build up such a strong tongue that he can make girls' assholes gape just from rimming them. His only weakness is the cumshot; he's a really weak shooter. Joseph felt safe with this man, he felt a kinship.
Things better than a Grayson Pierce promo: pornography discussion.
Things better at shooting than Grayson Pierce: Joey’s dribbling cock.
Flash pressed ‘start’.
Joey: Welcome to Joey Flash plays video games, a new series like those faggots on YouTube who play games and scream and shit whilst blathering with no wit or intelligence…huh, sounds like Grayson Pierce would probably be quite successful there-
Flash whips his phone from the pocket of his stained-ass hoodie and his fingers dash across the virtual keyboard.
Joey: “PewDiePierce has uploaded a new video” PewDiePierce?! Fucking PewDiePierce?! Die in a fire.
He pockets his phone and smashes through the loading screen of the game.
Joey: Here today I am going to be fighting a simulated match against Grayson Pierce. Let’s see how we do!
Single Player > Exhibition Match > Select Wrestlers >
CPU - Joey Flash
Player One - Grayson Pierce
Joey: That’s right folks; I’m going to be playing the part of Grayson to see if I can finally try to drag him to a win over Joey Flash.
Another screen pops up with ‘Select Difficulty’
God Tier (Insanity) – Playing this mode is like facing Joey Flash in the ring for real, do you dare take the challenge?
Hall of Fame (Very Hard) – Fancy yourself as the next Creeping Death huh?
World Champion (Hard) – Only the best can compete at the top, you have to be elite to take on the wrestlers here!
Superstar (Medium) – Got your feet wet huh kid? Let’s see if you can get your sh*t in!
Mid-carder (Easy) – Want an easy, fun match? Experience what it’s like for Joey Flash to fight Grayson Pierce.
Flash mulls the options and scans down even further.
Jobber (Very Easy) – Adam Young difficulty.
Joey: Good, that one will do.
With the selection of the jobber difficulty, the loading screen takes an achingly long time. The complete opposite of a Joey Flash cumshot, this motherfucker lives up to his name. The arena is loaded and best believe Joey skips the shit out of entrances, why the fuck would he watch that shit, it’s the exact same fucking animations every time, if he had to say, write his own entrance he would be tempted to make subtle alterations to make it so like an elephant accompanies him to the ring one week and the next week he has a face looking like a rat. Anyway, he didn’t write his entrance: this was a fucking video game and as I said, he skipped the shit out of it.
Zach Davis: Hello and welcome to this clash of the titans, Joey Flash takes on Grayson Pierce in another clash in their storied rivalry.
Freddy Whoa: WHOA! You better wind yo shit in ‘fore I go upside ya head nigga.
Joey in his great wisdom had downloaded the ‘Freddy Whoa – The D’Angelo Hall edition’ mod for the colour commentator. It made the game far more interesting than the monotonous drivel Whoa spouts on the weekly.
Wavedigger: I am Wavedigger and welcome to-
The game had been released when Gravedigger was still affiliated to #BeachKrew and the lazy developers at 2k Sports had not released a patch to change it. Twats.
Wavedigger: -another time where Flash takes Grayson Pierce’s head off!
The two combatants take centre stage in the middle of the ring, Pierce and Flash prepared to lock up.
Joey: Okay Flash it’s time for you to take a beating you fucking dago. Let’s go Grayson!
Grayson Pierce fires a right hand at Flash only for Joey to duck out of the way and pepper Pierce with a powerful overhand right, dropping him immediately.
Joey: WHAT THE FUCK?
Zach Davis: Great right hand from Flash here, he’s in vintage form.
Freddy Whoa: He just dropped that nigga like I dropped parental responsibilities to my seven kids ya feel me?
Wavedigger: It’s over already.
Flash circles Pierce and fires a taunt his way. If this were Wrestemania 2000 or No Mercy this motherfuckers ‘SPECIAL’ bar would be glowing in a matter of moments the amount of taunts he is laying in there. Pierce is slow to his feet.
Joey: Fucking unresponsive piece of shit, get the fuck up-
Before Pierce can do anything Flash is already on top of him, circling and popping him with blistering jabs before ducking under a grapple attempt and launching Grayson across the ring with a German suplex.
Joey: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE JOBBER MODE!
Flash hits him with another taunt, this time a crotch grab.
Freddy Whoa: This nigga grabbing his dick like he finna bust right in Grayson face ya dig?
Zach Davis: This is embarrassing.
Wavedigger: I realise as a video game commentator I should be offering some hope to you here but let’s face it, you’re getting destroyed on Jobber mode, you probably should just kill yourself.
Pierce makes one last desperate effort to charge at Flash.
Joey: COME ON, GET HIM- AH FUCK NO…
The in game crowd, Zach Davis, Freddy Whoa, Wavedigger, Joey and the camera crew all shout in unison.
ZachWhoaDiggerFlashCameraFans: ZA WARUDO!!!!!!!!!
The screen glitches for a moment and then comes back into focus to find Flash on top of Pierce for the pin.
1…
2…
3!!!
Zach Davis: In the least surprising news in sporting history, Joey Flash has beaten Grayson Pierce.
Freddy Whoa: This nigga got lit up on easy mode like Katt Williams bitchass getting choked by a fuckin child.
Wavedigger: I have no snide remark. You know how bad you are Player One.
Joey: Fuck this shit.
He tosses the controller across the room.
Joey: How?! I’ve been playing all day, even on fucking hard mode and winning with ease so why does this happen? Even on the easiest of modes I can barely even get a hit in, is this really what it’s like to be Grayson when fighting me? I don’t fucking understand. You can’t even beat Joey Flash on jobber mode you worthless bastard Pierce!
He is shouting at the image of Grayson’s grinning mug on the ‘Character Select’ screen.
Joey: How are you so bad? Why?! How do you even compete in real life if this is how bad it is for you? I think I have a newfound respect for your persistence at least fuckin hell.
He clicks the television off; he couldn’t stomach that smiling ass stupid face any more. It was time to finally end the career of Grayson Pierce.
Kingslayer
Joey: So once again we’re here Grayson. You know it’s funny; I sat down and watched the number one contenders match with such anticipation and excitement. I grabbed some popcorn and a beer, sat my ass down ready, my body was quivering just waiting. Who would I be facing next? Would it be Gemini ‘Joey Flash’s bottom bitch slash nutrag’ Battle? Would it be Wade ‘Bodied and sent him running from the federation’ Moor or maybe I would finally get an opponent I would get excited by and Steve Orbit would come out victorious. As I watched the match unfold it dawned on me that no matter what either of the other men tried to do it was meaningless. Orbit was not winning the match; Wade was not winning the match. Of course. The wrestling Gods have a funny sense of humour that’s for sure, I’ve learned it well over the years so here comes little plucky Grayson Pierce, perennial under(achiever)dog picking up the win. Confetti falls, people celebrate and Grayson Pierce leaves the ring with his head held high. He is once more the number one contender for the World Championship, the same status he held in the Wrestling Championship Federation’s flagship event.
He walks to the back with his head held high but the sickening feeling is slowly growing like a malignant tumour in his gut. The World Champion isn’t a man you ever wanted to see in a ring again. Your own success has only tightened the noose around your own wrestling career. Here you are Grayson; this is the match you tell everyone you always wanted. It’s right here on a silver platter for you.
Joey Flash vs Grayson Pierce, for the World Title.
However inside that warped mind of yours it’s playing a little different, see you do what you do to keep up appearances. You talk your game, you hype the crowd and you have them chanting for you, have them finally dreaming on the what ifs, what if Grayson Pierce wins, what if Seth loses his virginity, what if Joey Flash nonsensically teams with like, ratboy Jared Holmes or some shit…you get where I’m going with this. It’s Harlem Globetrotters vs Washington Generals VII or whatever the fuck match we’re on now.
I’m not mad; I’m not upset or angry that I have to face you again. This is my bread and butter; this is the easiest match in the entire federation for me. You can keep Bad News Benson, you can keep Adam Young, and you can keep every time I’ve faced a member of #BeachKrew because the one match that is the closest thing to a certainty in the wrestling world is the World Title match coming at Aftermath. This is Buster Douglas vs Mike Tyson levels of ridiculousness at the casinos. They aren’t even taking bets on this one anymore; this is how bad it is. I know what you’re thinking though, theme alert…’what if?’ See in that match Mike Tyson, the undisputed, undefeated dominant force in the world was stopped in his tracks by an underdog so unheralded that the stretchers for Douglas were at ringside in preparation for the brutal finish. Yet in that one it was Tyson who needed the medical attention.
Will the same thing happen with us? Will the unheralded underdog manage to defeat the greatest wrestler in the world? Not in a world where I exist.
I’m not mad that I have to face you. I am mad about only one thing to do with this match. The fact that I am going to have to listen to a set of promotional videos of you limping meekly from point to point, flubbing every promising angle you have, dragging out a meaningless overarching theme that due to the boredom induced people have forgotten about by the time you’re finished…shall I keep going? You flip flop between character ideals so readily it makes me wonder how dedicated you are to the wrestling business, if I presented my throat for you to rip out you would probably give it a sensual nibble, you are fucking impotent Grayson.
Is this getting a bit too real for you? Look, look, I’m not using curse words; I’m not being racist, sexist or homophobic. I’m just laying down pure simple unfiltered fact. Your promos, your matches, your whole persona promotes like you’re the greatest in the world, that you will win Match A then win Match B and all of a sudden you’re going to be World Champion, yet it never happens. Your mouth writes only Rainchecks, well Grayson consider this evisceration my gift to you, I’m going to let you cash it on Sunday night.
A reality check.
Flash pauses for effect at the camera, whose operator has a face like he just sucked a damn lemon. Joey smiles and lowers the controller as he stands up with a stretch before zipping his hooded top up and motioning for the camera to follow him. We exit the Malignaggi abode and head into the back garden area, the trees were still with no wind and the night was clear as moonlight bathed the World Champion in an ethereal glow.
Joey: How many times is it going to be before you finally get the picture Grayson hmm? Are we going to be here in five years’ time rehashing the same old shit over and over before we dance a metronomic waltz where you end up flat on your back once again with me standing over you as your conqueror? Our fights, this night replays in your mind every moment of every day. I bet even now you are hyping yourself like you can win this one. What was the last theme of our match that you pinpointed so beautifully, a comparison so very very apt, even more apt that you didn’t even understand its significance. I AM your white whale.
You are still chasing me, trying to reclaim the sanity, the manhood, the future that you once had, the future I erased as pure instinct. This will be the moment Ahab is finally consumed by his obsession. I will end it all Grayson. Your main event status, your World Title aspirations, your aspiration to finally defeat Joey Flash in a big match is going to be charred to an unrecognisable visage. This is going to be your breaking point Grayson, let’s think about this for a second: where do you go from here? When you lose I mean. What is left for you?
Joey Flash is the king of the mountain. The one person you can’t beat holding the one thing you want more than anything else in the world. Want to know what this smells like to me?
Flash sniffs at the chill twilight air.
Joey: This smells like the end of your career. Not on the ‘I’ve been beaten so badly and my body is broken and ravaged’ kind of tip, but on the ‘Fuck it, nothing I ever do is good enough, I can never beat this guy so what’s the fucking point anymore?’ kind. Let’s face it, what IS the point? What is the point of your career? You are a fucking joke at this point. You are a running punchline. Ho ho ho lets put Grayson against Joey once more, yeah, let’s all laugh at one man’s incessant humiliation, that man having to return to his wife and be consoled to sleep with tears in his eyes that once again everything he was, everything he is as a wrestler just wasn’t enough. That’s funny isn’t it?
Well I’m not laughing. Not anymore. There is nothing remotely funny about this situation, having to fight me in this match. There is nothing funny about a man having his livelihood and his dreams beaten out of him and seeing him crumble under the force of the one true constant in this business: Joey Flash wins.
Flash holds his hands up and smiles.
Joey: Let me give you some props though, the last time we fought you really tested me, to the fucking limit. You hurt me, you hurt me bad. Your face beat the shit out of my fist, it was so swollen and deformed I couldn’t wear my wedding ring for a whole week.
You monster.
You weak fucking faggot. Yeah, we’re getting to it now, look, swear words, homophobic slurs and everything. It’s time to turn that bodybag to a closed casket. You have absolutely nothing for me this week, or any week. Your promo material is B+ at its best, your ring work is C-, I have seen absolutely everything you have to offer. There is nothing new you can bring to the table against me Grayson, there is no ace in the hole, there is no hidden final power up that you’re going to suddenly unveil now it is the biggest match of our one sided, sad, sorry series. This is routine, this is inevitable.
You are the prime example of why in this business there is Joey Flash and then there is everyone else. In any other company in the world you would be undeniably the number one, the numero uno, you would shatter fucking RECORDS Grayson, you’d be the MAN. Here, you’re just…another guy. It’s been a funny couple of months for me here, thrust into a position I had absolutely no desire for I never intended for any of this to happen. I was happy going my own way, doing my own thing. With Joey Flash, I don’t need the recognition, I don’t need the adulation, I don’t need the gold around my waist for everyone to know my status in the WCF. I am God here.
I didn’t want to hold the World Title for one reason, I didn’t want it. However….life has a funny way of working out doesn’t it? Joey Flash got booked against Grayson Pierce in a number one contenders match. It was at that point I decided to become champion again. I didn’t do it to become World Champion, to affirm my skills…I did it to affirm YOURS. To show not to the world, but to YOU how absolutely dogshit you are, how so far below my level you are, how no matter how hard you try no matter what you do it will never, ever be enough.
So here I am, three months later and look what we have. This shit is getting ridiculous right now to see the leader of the peasants trying to batter down the door to the throne room. Shall I let you inside Grayson? Should I tell you what it’s like to be king? No fuck it…I’m going to SHOW you.
Every time we fight it’s the same old shit, every time anyone steps to my transcendent level it’s the same old shit.
- Some shit about me being a ‘Flash’ in the pan.
- Some shit about me being the ‘next Jonny Fly’ but, obviously, clearly (record and accomplishments at the same point of our careers not taken into account) not as good.
- Bringing up Grime more often than a good cleaning product.
- Adam Young
- Some shit about dead children.
Now, are we done Grayson? No, this is your ‘last chance’ you’re fighting for your career. All that soppy, tugging at the heartstrings shit. You don’t defeat Joey Flash through sympathy. You don’t defeat Joey Flash, period.
This shit that every opponent ever talks about is starting to get rather…irrelevant, isn’t it? Here are the facts. I have the best record in WCF history, I have just completed the most dominant and influential debut year in WCF history, I could retire tomorrow and be inducted to the Hall of Fame, my title record, my big match record is fucking immaculate. What is left Grayson? What do you have to beat me with? What does ANYONE have at this point?
‘Winning every week is not a gimmick’ that was a line I heard before I even had my debut match here. I took that shit as a personal challenge. What happens when that IS the gimmick? What happens when that IS the fact and what are you going to do about it? Well, let me tell you…no theme alert…I’m going to SHOW you.
Flash produces some lipstick from his pocket and holds it toward the camera before smearing it wildly across his mouth. It looks like Stevie Wonder was his makeup artist.
Joey: You’ve had what? Six? Seven chances? I’m not going to be so harsh as to not throw you a bone for persistence, more to the point I am not going to let the fans have to sit through another set of god awful promos.
Joey reaches a hand into his hoodie pocket to fish out a pack of white powder; it’s shocking how deep these pockets are. This shit is like a magician’s hat. This shit is deeper than Katherine Phoenix’s vagina…rest in peace!!!! He pulls it open and begins to pat the powder over his face.
Joey: I think it’s time to show the rest of you peons how this shit is supposed to be done.
He holds his right hand out as he smiles, before drawing the open palm backward to the top of his head. He lowers his hand slowly and we are treated to a completely different expression and demeanour, there is a soft, slight twinge in Joey’s voice as he speaks.
Gemini Flash: Hello Joey. How are you doing? How is the World Title treating you? I see you had a successful first defence, go you. You beat a man who was just waiting for an excuse to take a break from the federation. You must be proud. I am so happy for you that you managed to find a belt to hold up your false happiness, plastic smile and overstated bravado for longer than a week.
Gemini smil- no…Gemini doesn’t smile. This is not a smiling matter; this is a real, world title winning promotional video. This is something that Grayson Pierce could never, ever, even dream of.
Gemini Flash: I’m facing the great Joey Flash this week. The man with all those accomplishments, the man with the incredible record, the man with all the talent in the world; what is it you said?
”I have the best record in WCF history, I have just completed the most dominant and influential debut year in WCF history, I could retire tomorrow and be inducted to the Hall of Fame, my title record, my big match record is fucking immaculate.”
Facts, right?
No, Joey, THESE are facts. You are an insecure odious little shit who hides his lack of true self-esteem and confidence behind a padded shiny record, a nigh on non-existent main event singles career: picking up cupcake win after cupcake win. Let me tell you people a little something about Joey Flash, he exudes confidence, control and power yet I see beyond that. I see your body language, I see your hesitancy, I look into your eyes and I understand it all. You might have the physique of predator, but your mind is like that of a fucking rabbit trying to avoid the dangers of the world every day.
When Seth Lerch signed you to a contract it was already decided in his mind ‘If this man stays committed, he is my future, he is my world champion’. You had everything in the palm of your hand from the moment you stepped through those doors, maybe you didn’t see it but trust me, the rest of us did. ‘The next Jonny Fly’ was not a moniker you labelled yourself, not a moniker anybody in the back gave you, because trust me, you don’t hold a candle to him in any way shape or form – but we’ll get to that. That title came from none other than Seth Lerch himself. You had just been given the biggest seal of approval in the entire federation and what did you do with? You spat in Lerch’s face. You bit the hand that was going to feed you the world. You had the keys to the kingdom in your hand and you just tossed them away.
It’s not because you lost, everyone loses. Don’t for one second think your single digits loss column makes you any better than me, than anyone else. All it shows me is not that you are overcoming all these great challenges and proving that you really ARE the best, it shows me that you fucking incredible at avoiding anything that seems like it might be a challenge.
Case in point: Ultimate Showdown time and the chance is finally there, now it’s time to show the world how great you are, you’ve been telling us long enough Joey, so go and prove it. You want to fight Fly so bad? There he is. You want to fight Dune so bad? There he is. You want to fight Scarecrow so bad…the list goes on and on Joey. You could have fought tooth and nail to get a title in the build in order to secure your spot; you could have won the match that allowed a non-champion in. But no, that’s not you is it Joey? You’re too scared to face most of these men alone let alone have all of them in the ring with you. Got to protect that record, got to protect that brand eh Joey? It’s pathetic. So you end up fighting on the undercard against I don’t even fucking know, you probably won. Well motherfucker, SO WHAT? All you won is apathy from the crowd and a growing frustration that you are treating the business like a joke.
Then you decided to kick up a big fuss like the pathetic child you are when you saw Thomas Bates get his World Title shot before you: news flash – Bates EARNED that. He finished second in Ultimate Showdown; he had an incredible record, a great winning streak and guess what Joey? He had already beaten you. Twice, actually. What was your case to get the match with Dune? ‘Bu-buh- I have been attacking him and really want a match with him!’ guess what Joey; the world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s not the Joey Flash show, but no, little Joey had to have his bottle so you finally got to face Dune at War.
The most hotly anticipated match of modern times. You won. You actually won…then you had the shortest World Title reign in WCF history, you lasted all of twenty minutes. Funny, that’s nineteen and a half longer than you do when fucking your cunt wife.
Gemini does smile…a little.
Gemini Flash: Your big match was set at One, a rematch with Dune. The match to end everything. The two ‘best’ wrestlers in the company square off to see who the king of the mountain is. The ‘best big match wrestler’ in the company stepped into the ring in the biggest match of his career, with the biggest ramifications personally and professionally…and fucking lost.
That one loss for you equates to about fifty on everyone else’s record. You would have traded every single one of your wins for victory that night; you would have ended your career, your life for a win that night. But life doesn’t work that way. You were beaten, clean. Now tell me, what’s worse Joey? Having twenty losses on your record or the throbbing headaches, sleepless nights, and never-ending hollow sadness that comes with the fact that you couldn’t defeat the man who had murdered your son.
To me, this match is what that one was for you; no disrespect to Christian, Rest in Peace…but this is a match I simply HAVE to win. There are no ifs ands or buts. This is it for me. This is everything I ever dreamed of; this is the pinnacle of my career. Joey Flash for the World Title, I am not going to be like you and let this one slip. I am going to crush you and show you what it’s like to really face the fury of a man who is fighting with his heart and soul on the line. For you this is a paycheck, this is a standard defence against a man you beat every time…to me; it’s my one fucking opportunity to sleep well with no regrets and nothing haunting my dreams. It’s my one chance to tell you straight to your face as I’m stood over you victorious ‘Not this time’.
Will I have finally beaten a legend? A Hall of Famer? No. You are no Hall of Famer; you are no legend of the game. You a conniving coward who has lied, wormed and manipulated his way to every position of prominence. Imperium would have been the biggest and most dominant stable in the history of the federation but for the one mistake they made. They thought Joey Flash would be their future; instead he was the cause of their destruction. You tried to milk them for their success, you intended to get close to Beckman before sneaking the World Title but even that didn’t work.
With Imperium dead, what does Joey Flash do? Well Jonny Fly is still in the federation. He is back and he is at full force. Here is your chance. Let’s see it, let’s see the match that everyone has been dreaming about since your debut here. Are we finally going to see Jonny Fly vs Joey Flash?
Yes?
No, instead you’re going to fucking team up with him. What…the…fuck? That’s like Batman and Superman being hyped to fight and then teami- okay bad example, but still! At least they fucking punched each other and shit. Your short, ineffectual tag reign was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the tag division. The greatest team to never even have a defence. You vacated that shit without even so much as a whiff of a defence and Jonny Fly just disappeared. It’s the Joey Flash effect again; everything you touch turns to shit around you. You suck the life out of everything that comes into contact with you, fucking parasite.
I bet if you teamed up with Dune, you’d suck the life and will to fight out of him too wouldn’t you- oh…wait.
Gemini grins.
Gemini Flash: That happened too. That was the equivalent of Oscar Schindler tagging up with Yung Adolf, what in holy fuck were the pair of you thinking? Mullins Jr as well? It’s as if you go through life teaming with people who you either feud with or pose any kind of threat to your prestigious position and rather than facing them in the ring and settling things for good you make moves to get rid of them without ever even having to fight. It’s brilliant; really, I could applaud you if I wasn’t so appalled by you. You aren’t getting rid of ME that way Joseph. I will never team with you, I will never so much as hold a hand out for you to shake once I am done beating you. I am the one person you will never be able to sink your poisonous talons in, I am your antithesis, I am your destruction, I am your penance for all the pain you have caused, all the lies, all the deceit and all the backstabbing. The chickens are finally coming home to roost on the career of Joseph Malignaggi.
Gemini runs a hand through his mop of black hair and looks toward the moon.
Gemini Flash: It’s getting late…late for your title reign Joseph. We are reaching the epoch of your success here; this is where your story ends. It’s over…
The camera cuts off…
…then back on.
Gemini Flash: Oh who the fuck am I kidding? This is how you win a World Title Grayson, watch and fucking learn you plebeian. Joey Flash, you’re about to get this good work. I’m beating the shit out myself right now; it’s like watching the end of Fight Club.
Let’s get deep on you right now Joey Flash. Successful wrestler, gangster, husband, and philanthropist: you have done great things with your career, with your life. You have the house, the cars, and the adulation. What is it everyone seems to be forgetting? What is it Joey Flash doesn’t have? A clean urine sample.
You’re not recovered, you’re not recovering, you, Joey, are a fucking addict. Ecstacy, Cocaine, Crack, Heroin, is there anything that doesn’t have its claws in your weak mind? If WCF had drug testing you would be the first guy popped, this is a federation where half the roster wrestles drunk. You though Flash, you’re not even repentant, you’re not even trying. You say shit like ‘this is my sanctuary’ and try to act high and mighty like you’re beyond the ravages of addiction. Well the deterioration has already started, right now you’re calling all the shots, you’re the fucking boss. If anyone gets in your way professionally you are all proactive picking up the phone:
‘I need a hitman’
Then the urge hits and you lift the phone up once more.
‘I need a hit, man’
You weak maggot, you bathe and revel in the fake confidence of intoxication. I bet before every match you warm up by hitting that glass like a layup drill.
Gemini Flash screwfaces at how badly he is killing himself.
Gemini Flash: I’ll go one step further, it’s probably a blessing Christian died when he did, Daddy was a hero rather than an addled, pockmarked, dick sucking for change failure of a parent. You make me sick. You have been given all the talents in the world, all the gifts, shit I can’t even dream of, no matter all the work I do in the gym…you’re right, there is no catching up. Yet with the way you are destroying yourself you’re going to come right back down to earth, this Sunday I’m going to be the comedown of all comedowns. Maybe this will be the beating that finally sobers you the fuck up to be a responsible, respectable person…as you hand the belt over to me. I doubt it though, that’s not how this sociopathic mind works, you are god of this realm, everyone must bow, you are fucking untouchable. Well Capone, I’m your Elliot Ness. You are no longer welcome here; the poison in your veins isn’t going to have time to get you…because I’m going to get you first. You are toxic, well shit the only thing more toxic than your body right now…is your fucking marriage.
It’s like Gemini just swallowed a fucking shot of Listerine how he screwfacing right now!!!
Gemini Flash: I guess if I had the home life you had, I’d probably try to numb everything too. You have been manipulated, undermined and controlled for the past seven years of your life and you don’t even realise it. The mastermind of professional wrestling seems to have one single weakness in this world, women. Alessandra, Phoenix, Thursday, every single one of them has you dancing to their tune and you don’t even realise it. Is it some kind of blind spot in your otherwise impeccable impregnable defence? You seem to almost subconsciously understand your weakness, you say shit like ‘Women should be banned from wrestling’ and ‘I never want to fight a woman’. What comes off as ignorant and sexist, I mean shit, that’s probably even what you think right? Get some cheap heat it’s all good.
However deep down your mind is trying to warn you that the true poison to Joey Flash is the sweet scent of vagina and the female mind. Every part of your personal life has been orchestrated by your wife, you go along with it and take it at face value forgetting the fact she has lied to you from the start…about everything. If that bitch said ‘Hi’ to me, I would probably think THAT was a lie. Still, Joey Flash goes through life thinking everything he has he has earned with his own two hands. Money, power, status, you’re the fucking KING Joseph. Yet as in chess, as in your life, it’s the Queen that controls the destiny of everything else on the board. The only success you’ve ever had on your own is in the centre of that squared circle. I’ll hold my hands up; you’ve done that all by yourself. That’s why it’s going to be all that sweeter Joey.
Taking that one thing that you’ve truly earned in life and making it mine.
You are finished Joey. It doesn’t matter what angles you take, it doesn’t matter what bullshit you come with this week. You are my destiny; this match is a forgone conclusion. I am going to do what you do to so many others; I’m going to humiliate you on the biggest stage possible. I’m going to march into the throne room, and do you so fucking bad people are going to be calling me Jaime Lannister as I stand over your fallen body triumphant…
…as ‘The Kingslayer’.
Gemini Flash takes a deep breath and exhales a deep breath before producing yet another item from the wizards sleeve that are his hoodie pockets, wet wipes motherfucker. In one deft motion he transforms from Gemini Flash back to the World Champion Joey.
Joey: Do you see the difference now Grayson? I think it is painfully apparent the difference between you and I, this is the lesson you are going to learn this time. I will force it down your fucking throat. I am much, much better than you. I always have been and I always will be. This is no game, this is not a match that you can waltz into, get your shit off, laugh and joke like you’re somehow going to put a dent on my divine armour. In this one promo I have done more damage to Joey Flash than my last fifty opponents combined, this is a lesson not just to you, but to the entire federation. This is why I am World Champion. It is no fluke, it is not by luck, people don’t become World Champion just because ‘it’s their time’ or ‘they want it more’ people become World Champion because of two things.
1) Otherworldly Talent
2) The mind-set of a coldblooded killer in the ring
Grayson Pierce has both of those things and on any other night against any other opponent maybe it would ‘be his time’…but I am no simple World Champion. I am the one true dominant force in this federation. I have been from day fucking one, from the moment I pinned Taz Taylor to right this second when I’m preparing to end the career of the biggest nuisance in the federation. You must have nine lives or some shit because no matter how many times I kill you ya just don’t die. Well that all changes this time. This is your biggest test, this IS your moment and I am going to enjoy every Ralph Wiggum heartbreaking second of crushing you. I will pause and rewind ad-naseum at the moment on Sunday where you finally realise that no matter what you have…it’s just not enough, that it was never enough, that it never will be enough.
Flash holds a finger toward the camera.
Joey: Let’s switch it up, my next opponent has been announced and for me this match on Sunday is a fucking prelude to the real main event. May 13th.
Allen Guiliano vs Joey Flash.
This is a match that will break fucking records. The PPV numbers are going to be through the roof at the very thought of this match. The big return of Slickie-T, the heralded, revered, consensus Top 3 wrestler in the history of the federation, a man who has not competed in years returning for one night only…and a man who I am going to fucking annihilate. We’ll get to you Allen, don’t worry. This is going to be a baptism by fucking nuclear warhead, Ciao Bella.
Flash smiles.
I am sorry if the prospect of fighting this man gets me a tad more excited than the upcoming title defence with a guy I’ve already bodied more times than I can fuckin remember. Unless you haven’t guessed I have bigger fish to fry than you Grayson…in case you’re wondering: haddock.
Joey gets a mean mug on once more.
Joey: I am not underestimating you Grayson. This is a match that I want just as much as you. This is a match I need. I am not going to be satisfied until your career is over and I never have to deal with you again. I’m not entering this contest looking to beat you, I’m entering this looking to really fucking hurt you. Usually I’m happy with crushing someone’s pride, someone’s spirit or someone’s body; I take my pick on the night but this time it’s different. This time I’m coming for it fucking all.
Mexican Stand-Off
The wind begins to pick up around Joseph for a moment before dying down as quickly as it came, moments of silence pass until it is broken by the sound of clapping. Slow, rhythmic, theatrical slapping of skin on skin echoes through the night sky. Joey turns round to see the source of the applause to find The Mirror Ball Messiah, The King in Yellow, The Chosen One, The Celestial Shark, The Omnipredator, The Intergalactic Christ, The Man With a Thousand Fucking Nicknames, The 6ix God Jared Holmes.
Jared: Beautiful. Truly.
Flash stares at his Aryan friend/enemy? and gives him a glib smile.
Joey: Do you often stalk round people’s private property listening to people talking to themselves?
Jared: Only the interesting ones.
Jared approaches the camera and gives it smile.
Jared: Hello, are you still recording?
The cameraman nods.
Jared: Good. Hey Grayson! I hear you have another dead kid?
Joey: Enough-
Jared: Bro, let me work.
Joey: No dead baby jokes.
Jared: Grayson, want to know how to stop people telling dead baby jokes? Stop having so many dead babies. Want to know the difference between your babies and me? I am alive. Have you heard the one about the dead baby and Katherine Phoenix, it-
Joey: ENOUGH!
Jared pouts and concedes.
Jared: It’s your call. I was just adding some flavour and gravitas.
Joey: Why the fuck are you even here? Isn’t a dinner date once a week good enough for you?
Jared: Yours or mine this week?
For the past month the Malignaggi’s had been either entertaining or being entertained by Jared Holmes and Thursday Kerrigan once a week for ‘date nights’. Every participant knew the more sinister undertones, the veiled hidden emotion behind the lacquer masks as they discussed the arts, philosophy and politics, laughed and joked around a bottle of the finest Italian red and tantalised each other’s taste buds but it was almost as if they were enjoying this little game of thrones they were playing, you win or you die…but as Malignaggi and Holmes stood under the moonlight they both understood one fact: they were sure as shit enjoying playing.
Joey: Yours. You’re cooking.
Jared: Ooooo. Should I do pasta?
Joey: Don’t embarrass yourself.
Jared: I’ll think of something. Nice top by the way.
Flash smiled as he regarded his stained hoodie.
Joey: I wasn’t expecting a fuckin fashionista to randomly walk from the back of my garden at the dead of night, sorry for that.
Jared: Apology accepted.
Joey: You didn’t answer my question.
Jared cocked his head in a fake quizzical motion.
Jared: Hmm?
Joey: What are you doing here?
Jared smiles at him and approaches until the men are separated only by a couple of feet.
Jared: I just came to watch. That’s all. It was…beautiful. I could feel the b(u)ern so badly it made me want to go hit the polling booth. The way you do it, the way you just…dissect with such fury, it’s-
He licks his lips.
Jared: Invigorating. You know…we’re going to be fighting each other next month. You will win this one, you will beat Slickie-T, I will beat Kyle Kemp and then it’s just us two left, no more distractions, no more outsiders. You are the one I’ve always wanted.
He raises a hand to Joey’s cheek.
Jared: I don’t want to rush though, no no. That won’t do, will it Joey?
Flash catches his wrist and squeezes, giving him a shove away.
Joey: It’s your funeral. I might as well give you the courtesy of deciding the date.
Jared: Really? You’d do that for little ol’ me? I’m flattered.
Jared’s face turns from giggles to a serious glare in an instant.
Jared: Okay then. I lied when I said I just came to watch.
Joey: No shit.
Jared: You told me last month: “Unless you have something incredible for me, never contact me again.” Right? Well Joseph here I am, contacting you. Let me tell you what I have found out. You can win your matches, I can win mine and we don’t have to fight in May. I want to crush you Joseph, I want to destroy you so badly, I want to see the muscles under those perfect cheekbones contort in pain-
Joey: I’m going to kill you, you know that right?
Jared throws his arms out and laughs.
Jared: THAT is the fun. Right there, no one has ever said that to me before, believed it and meant it. Your conviction is stunning.
Joey takes a step toward Jared, his demeanour completely changed.
Joey: You need to really watch your next words carefully, don’t say something you can’t take back.
Jared matches the step and the two are face to face.
Jared: Or what?
Joey: I send you back to Thursday in a bag…and another bag…and another.
Jared is delighted with that answer; he steps back and laughs again.
Jared: You want this, right?
Joey: Pick a date faggot.
Jared: You haven’t listened to my offer yet.
Joey motions with a hand for him to continue.
Jared: As I was saying, there is a way for us to prolong this dance of ours; we haven’t even gotten past the two step yet. One simple way for us to not fight in May, see there is a little tournament going on, the two sets of finalist’s fight for the right to challenge the World Champion and get a shot at the Tag Belts…the final happens at the same Pay Per View that our match would happen at…yet if either or both of us gets to the final, then our match will be postponed for whenever. What I’m trying to say is, there is a way for us both to get what we want…
Jared stalks over to Flash and places his hand on Joey’s shoulder.
Jared: You and I. We win the Trios Tournament.
