Post by SickWaves Blackamura on Oct 2, 2015 19:39:32 GMT -5
Part 6: #DatNewMerch
The scene opens up on a small tv studio where Andre stands behind a counter, eyes glazed over as a dank fog fills the air around him. He looks towards the camera as he speaks.
Andre: What’s good, bros? As you prolly know, I’m high af right now, but we got some important shit to throw at you. I have with me some badass merchandise that is set to drop on that DubSeaEffShop.com this Sunday to celebrate this year’s WAR. We in #BeachKrew have worked very hard to help create merchandise that we know you finna love.
He reaches under the counter and pulls out a package.
Andre: These right here are the Jay Omega signature anal beads. Now personally, I ain’t into all that gay shit, but these are perfect for any fan who wants to be just like their hero, Jay Omega. Don’t worry, this shit comes in extra large because I know that #Jaynation got dem loose assholes.
He reaches under again, pulling out what looks like a magic eight ball.
Andre: This is another one from the Jay Omega collection. It’s just what you finna want if you like Jay Omega and think you can time travel like some lame ass. We even made it easier for you. Instead of all those bullshit ass answers to your lame questions, every time you shake this thing up it reads “You a bitch” so you know that this ish is accurate, bruh.
He pulls out a paperback book.
Andre: Now this is from Torture’s line. This is the brand new Torture autobiography, “How I became such a fucking loser.” This shit tells all about how this #fuccboi became irrelevant by pretending he’s unpinnable, not facing real opponents, wasting tv time on lame shit, and much more. You can send that green to DubSeaEffShop.com if you want this waste of time and if not, I’m prolly finna just burn’em all so they more accurately depict his career. Ya feel me?
He goes back under one last time for another item, this time a small black case.
Andre: This one’s pretty simple, it’s a fucking gun. There’s an employee discount on this shit for Jay Omega, Torture, Adam Young, Gemini Battle, and any other #fuccboi who thinks they can step to the shit that #BeachKrew is bringing to WAR. Y’all motherfuckers are straight trash and I highly recommend you buy this shit because bullets are included. Let me tell you fucking lames how this shit is about to go down. I’m taking one of those top five headlines on the website and you have to choices. You can either stay out of my way, or you can choose to be a fucking idiot and actually try to compete against me. I’ll be taking my headline and I want you to think long and hard about whether or not you want the article that awaits you if you try to take this shit from me.
Andre smirks at the camera as he opens the case and pulls out the pistol and looks it over.
Andre: The wait is almost over. Say hello to your new champion.
Fade to black.