Post by Joey Flash on May 24, 2015 16:11:13 GMT -5
Excuses, excuses
Natural ICE Beckman, Zombie McMorris, Buddy Roman and Joey Flash sat in dead silence in their locker room. This was new territory for them, upsets happen, but upsets don’t happen to the Vapor Kings. Vincent Roman looked down at his boys, each of them sat on the bench with their heads down drenched in sweat and stinking of putrid failure. It was not a smell Buddy could abide, and he was damned if this stench would ruin them. He would not let it.
Buddy: Children…
He looked to Flash, expecting a barb or a quip, but none came. He felt a lump of sadness in his throat. Oh no, this was much worse than he thought.
Buddy: I understand. I truly understand. This match was supposed to be a cakewalk, supposed to be a walkover; I thought as much, I thought we would be well on our way to the finals. I had even booked a children’s entertainer, Gemino the Clown to celebrate. I had party hats, I had party poppers, I even had balloons damn it!
He felt tears falling down his blubbery cheeks.
Buddy: This was our procession, everything was going as planned…until…
He was struggling to think of something to get all three men motivated again.
Buddy: We were heinously, egregiously and maliciously ROBBED by the corrupt Seth Lerch!!
He looked round the room hoping for a response, to his joy all three of his charges raised their heads to look at him.
Buddy: Yes! Yes! It was him, that demon, that devil Lerch. You said it yourself Joseph did you not? You had an upset stomach before the match, and that came from eating food from the WCF authorised vending machine, and you felt hazy from the water that was provided did you not?
Joey: Well, yeah-
Buddy: And you, ICE! Did you notice the pungent taste coming from your beer? No, it wasn’t the natural Natural ICE smell was it? Tainted Spiked and Laced ICE the Seth Lerch version. It’s clearly you were impaired in the ring.
ICE: Well, yeah-
Buddy: Zombie, you with the keenest of eyes managed to see that both the referee and the timekeeper had DRG patches on their official’s uniforms. This is incredibly shaky business, I already tried petitioning the athletic commission for a review of the results but they were having none of it. Can you believe this? What are we to do?
A smile begin cracking across Buddy’s face as he saw the men look at each other for the first time since the defeat, yes this was good, this was excellent. Oh what a joy.
Joey: What are we to do?
Joey stands up.
ICE: What are we to do?
ICE stands up.
ZMAC stands up, frothing at the mouth in anger.
Buddy: Yes boys, what are we going to on Slam?
Joey/ICE/ZMAC: Fucking kill him.
Joe Flow and the Imperial Spittaz
The last time Joey Flash had been in this recording studio it was nigh on a month ago when Joey released his hit single under the alias ‘Joe Flow’. The title track ‘FUCK THIS FUCKIN CRAZY BITCH’ was a hit selling over ten records. Joey was proud of it, this time he was hoping to follow up his stellar debut with an even more powerful sophomoric effort, it was almost as if facing Katherine Phoenix dragged the shitty lyrics and abysmal rapping out of the fresh faced Italian.
He was wearing a very classy tracksuit once more, with his hair slicked back. Joe Flow had returned. The same sound engineer was behind the glass.
Sound Tech: You sure this is gonna be worth the $500 to you man? I still have 240 of your discs in the back that didn’t sell last time.
Joey: Ye of little faith, that first one was just to get my name out there. This one I ain’t even gonna be spittin ya dig?
The sound tech’s face lights up.
Sound Tech: Really?!
Joey: Yeah man.
Sound Tech: Oh thank god.
Joey: Instead, these men are going to be laying down the fire.
Through the door to the booth walk two bearded men proudly displaying the gold belts protecting their THICK…and closely following them waddles an extremely fat balding gentleman.
Joey: Introducing, Bobby C, Grandmaster Kaz and Rapmaster Roman!
Kaz: Wouldn’t it be better if you were Grandmaster Flash?
Joey: I tried, I got a strongly worded letter for trademark infringement. Who knew?
Bobby: So we gonna spit dis shit or what?
Buddy: Yes, my children have had their pens and their pads out and my gosh the bars that have been inked are enough to make my knees tremble. Kaz is hard, Kaz is really hard.
Kaz: So I’ve been told.
Bobby: Trobbingly so.
Joey: Throbbingly?
Cairo beams at Flash.
Bobby: Throbbingly.
Sound Tech: Uhh sorry to break up such a throbbingly good discussion but can we hurry it up?
Buddy: Who is this peon who dares tell us to hurry up?
Joey: The guy who’s recording us and shit.
Bobby: Mothafukka, you probably need to lower the bass of my mic given the ferocity of my spit game.
Kaz: He lies, it’s a swallow game really.
Buddy: How crass, can you not-
Sound Tech: ENOUGH! Can we please hurry this along, I don’t have all day.
Joey: Let’s get it.
The four men surround the lone microphone in the booth and the beat begins.
Flash
Right about now, Imperium court is in full effect
Judge Flash presiding
In the case of Imperium vs Seth Lerch and the WCF
prosecuting attourneys are: Bobby Cairo, Kaz Mazy and Buddy Roman.
Order, order, order
Bobby C take the motherfuckin stand
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothin but the truth so help your jew ass?
Bobby Cairo
You god damn right!
Flash
Well won't you tell everybody what the fuck you gotta say?
Bobby Cairo
Fuck Seth Lerch comin straight from the underground
An Uzbeki badass got it bad cos I’m brown
And not the other color so you go and think
they have the authority to bury a minority
Fuck that shit, cause I ain't gonna fall
for a punk motherfucker with a no dick and no balls
to throw me in the mid-card
beating you senseless would make my dick hard
Fuckin with me cause I'm a big threat
Poor little Sethy still aint ever got his dick wet
Searchin my locker, lookin for the potion called ‘Thick Quick’
Thinkin to I take some shit like that to make my dick big
You'd rather see, me out the fed
than me and tha Monstah rollin in the Rovah
You look slow and out of shape
and when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape
I’m the best in the biz don’t need to prove shit
Still gettin swoll off hot latina poon shit
I don't know if you a fag or what
Search a brother down and grabbing ma thick
But on the other hand, even as the owner of the fed he can’t get none
No woman will touch him, not a black or a white one
Cos even if you offer them money
One look at ya face will shrivel their cunny
Bobby C will push in ya shit quick
on ANY motherfucker called Seth with a limp dick
Just cause I'm from Poon Guinea
This fuckin geek is afraid of me
A young Bobby on the wapath
And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath
of your whole roster dying in Mexico
So come on ya bitch, let’s go
FUCK SETH LERCH
Example of scene one:
[Seth] You’re fighting in the show opener.
[Flash] What? Come on I’ve been the best and most consistent wrestler. I’ve been the most dominant competitor you’ve had and haven’t had a single title shot not even at the fuckin People’s Title or some shit, why not?
[Seth] Cause I feel like it! Just sit your ass in the midcard and shut the fuck up
[Flash] Man, fuck this shit
[Seth] Aight smartass, you’re fighting Gemini Battle again.
Flash
Kaz, will you please give your testimony
to the jury about this fucked up incident?
Kaz
Fuck Seth Lerch and I said it with authority
because the niggaz in Imperium is the majority
In Trios this bitch gave us the toughest draw
ol Judge Dredd ass nigga, ‘I am the law’
However gonna wish Kaz was a nigga he never saw
You should have left us dormant like before
Now you woke the damn dragon
and there gonna be a whole host of corpses we be draggin
You threaten tough matches and shit we just laugh
fuck everyone up don’t ever step in my path
Seth, I'm sayin, "Fuck you punk!"
You made a mistake now you gonna get slumped
Tryin to fuck Imperium up and stack the deck for us to lose?
you done lit ya own fuse
You finna hide behind any shit team you need man
LUBRICATION TWIST to all of em will leave ya screamin
It’ll be like a slumber party when I leave ya sleepin
I’ll leave you pushin daisies like Morgan Freeman
DRG, Sentinels, Pantheon, it’s nothing
Anyone we fight I guarantee we crush em
You’ve done nothing but ignore us and push out buttons
But I only talk to bosses, so end of discussion
You think the shit you have can butcher me?
We comin for you nigga no Booker T
Killin Seth would make my day
But a nigga like Kaz don't give a fuck to say
FUCK SETH LERCH
Flash
Buddy Roman, won't you step up to the stand
and tell the jury how you feel about this bullshit?
Buddy Roman
I'm tired of all of this talking
This man Lerch has been at my house stalking
shining his light through my windows and for what?
Maybe it's because he admires my physique
I put on a business clinic, he puts on business clinique
Seth you’ve always got something silly to say
What next, ‘snapz vs ICE for the World Title today?’
All of you know Imperium are here to rule
Going to take all your pitiful roster to school
We can see the fear in your eyes, you’ll need all your guys
Look in mine, do you see any lies?
Silly boy doesn’t understand the feud he’s started
This destruction is going to be uncharted
Don’t tell me in the end you weren’t warned
We’ll be pouring liquor on the street, RIP WCF you’re going to be mourned
FUCK SETH LERCH
The verdict:
[Flash] The jury has found you guilty of bein a redneck, white bread, chickenshit motherfucker who is trying to protect his business against the greatest group of talent that has ever been assembled in his company. For the main felony of ‘counter-productive fucking business’ we sentence you to a week in Logan’s dungeon dressed as a teddy bear to be overseen by Mistress Phoenix. Fucc yaself Lerch…but I think someone will beat us to it.
[Seth] But wait, that's a lie! That's a god damn lie!
[Flash] Get him out of here!
[Seth] I want justice!
[Flash] Get him the fuck out my face!
[Seth] I want justice!
[Flash] Out, RIGHT NOW!
[Seth] FUCK YOU, YOU IMPERIUM MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!
FUCK SETH LERCH
The track ends and all four men whoop and celebrate, hugs, dick grabs and high fives are aplenty as each of them is happy with the momentous song.
Joey: How was that?
All four men look intently through the glass toward the Sound Tech.
Sound Tech: One question…
Bobby: If you’re asking, nine inches…in a freezing cold fucking pool man.
Sound Tech: Who the fuck is Seth Lerch?
Joey Flash launches pitiful shoot in the direction of his opponents and other fed related business
It had been another long week for Joey Flash; he had spent his first couple of days ruminating about the match that had cost him the chance at his destiny. Was this fate? Was this God’s way of laughing at his ultimate jester, hello Joseph, here is some hope let me rip it all away again. Joey began to laugh as he rested his head on the cool chill of his hotel room window. He stared upward, the sky was clear and in the sky shone the millions of stars to billions of worlds and yet somehow it seemed to Joey that out of all the souls passing through the sky into infinity that his was the most pathetic.
The fire that filled his gut like a raging dragon had been quelled to that of the embers of a dying fire floating away into the wind. He slumped back to the edge of his bed like a vanquished soldier taking the coup de grace to the back of the head.
Joey: Is this what you wanted?
He sat up, hair matted across his sullen face.
Joey: You wanted me to get one step from my goal, my dream, my future and you wanted that to just…
He crushes a collection of dreams in his fist and blows them away.
Joey: Fall into nothingness.
He smiles, a sad smile. An "I am Pagliacci” smile.
Joey: Wanna know the worst thing about this shit? I truly honest to god thought this was my destiny, like this tournament was going to shape up to be everything that I had ever worked for in this business, I’d finally get to vanquish the ghost of Jonny Fly and everybody could finally move on under the all-encompassing wing of Joey Flash, but now? This is what you wanted yeah?
You didn’t want Beckman vs Orbit, you didn’t want McMorris vs Black, you didn’t want Flash vs Fly. No no, this is what we get, this fucking travesty. It makes me sick, it makes me physically sick how I fucked this shit up…is what you want me to say.
Joey smiles and stretches, his spine crackling.
Joey: How do I feel? I feel like a sack of shit, I never thought, I never ever worried about myself, I was struggling to cover for Beckman to cover for ZMAC I never thought to cover for myself. So the worst of the worst happened…down goes Flash…down goes Flash…down goes Flash…and it’s aaaaaaaaaaaaall over. No more can Joey Flash say he’s never been pinned in his wrestling career.
Well isn’t this a fucking beauty. Here I am in my hotel room in shitfuck Mexico holding out for another two weeks. The two weeks that should have been seeing Joey Flash become the next in line to wear that World Title, now what do we have? Wanna guess, long time Joey Flash fans, wanna guess what we have here?
Yep that’s right, Joey Flash fighting nobodies in a retarded fucking tag match buried in the mid card. How times have changed since the first few weeks I spent in the company fighting nobodies in retarded fucking tag matches buried in the mid card.
I’m going to do this now, and I’m going to do this right.
Joey licks his lips and takes a deep breath.
Joey: We’re getting close to breaking point here. Not ‘I’m going to play games with you Seth’ breaking point, I mean ‘I’m going to fucking destroy you’ breaking point. I created this contingency plan with the sole idea that this sort of thing would happen. That plan is Imperium.
Joey smiles.
Joey: We’re going to begin on something amazing, something truly beautiful this week at Slam. I’ve allowed the WCF to continue as normal, I’ve been happy in the background the past month and I’ve let things continue. I was willing to let this continue and just keep biding my time but this shit? The way that the federation is crumbling around us is too much.
How different things could have been for us here. That three count last week sealed this federation’s fate. Seth, WCF fans, do you not understand what you could have had here?
Joey Flash vs Jonny Fly
Natural ICE Beckman vs Steve Orbit
Zombie McMorris vs Corey Black
That is as good as it comes, this is the best Pay Per View card you could ever hope to have, you think the card at One has three matches like that? Fuckin hell. You had that, you had that in the palm of your hand, but I fucked it up. I fucked it up something rotten. I cost everyone.
I ripped that shit away from you by losing to DRG. Oh you poor fans, you don’t get the dream match coming up? Fuck this shit. You want to see these matches? Fuck you, pay me. This week at least it’s pretty much a fucking week off for me, wow how happy am I?
A look at his expression says ‘Not very’.
Joey: So we have a wonderful intergender tag team tilt this week, roll up roll up come get ya tickets to watch your headline star and your best money maker King Flash in a random fuckin shitty match, what great acumen.
Who am I paired with you wonder? Is it one of my Imperium brothers? Are we going to wreak havoc once more as a penance for our pitiful showings the past couple of weeks? Nope it’s someone by the name of ‘Fuccin Celeste’. Fuck my life. This fuckin tomato headed slut is one of the most incompetent excuses for a wrestler I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching flop about in a ring. Bitch, you will do two things for us to gel well as a team.
1) Stay the fuck out of the ring, for the love of all that is holy.
2) Suck my dick.
Those tits belong nowhere near a wrestling ring, bitch should have her legs wrapped round a pole and be dancing for pay rather than getting repeatedly butt fucked in the ring. Each to their own, Celeste my little muffin cup, stay out of my fuckin way and just maybe I won’t beat the ever loving shit out of you as well ya daft bitch.
Facing the formidable team of Joey Flash and his big titted cheerleader/valet who will remain outside of the ring and look pretty this week is the team of Mikey eXtreme and…oh no…oh no please…
I thought I was done with you. I thought I had managed to finally escape.
Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in and now I have to share a squared circle with the pre-eminent wacko in the entire federation once more. However I gotta admit I’m feeling happy for one thing, see the last time we were scheduled to face each other in our long awaited feud ending payout…you got ya fuckin ass beat in the back by the very woman who is going to be cheerleading me this week.
I didn’t even get the chance to finally crush your ugly face into mush with my fist. I’d spent the days leading up to our match putting baby lotion and hand cream on, I wanted to make that shit as beautiful and soft as it made contact with your shattering bones so I can enjoy the full experience of breakin ya fuckin face.
God damn how fuckin pathetic you are, you’re so bad at this you can barely even get into the ring let alone fight. It seems like the fear of having to fight me, and then the beatdown put on you by the dainty hands of Celeste sent you into a downward spiral even further than we could have ever possibly hoped! Rejected, bloodied and beaten by the pair of us you tucked your tail between your legs and ran back to that fuckin idiot Logan, he, being the fuckin pathetic bitch he is just lets you straight back into his ever loving arms. Jeez you are fuckin kidding me?
So what’s your thing now Katherine? Every little avenue you try to crawl up turns into a dead fuckin end.
Joey Flash…bodybag.
Celeste…bodybag.
Agreeing to wed Logan? Beep…beep…beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Damn you flatlined and killed ya own fuckin self with that one.
It’s pathetic the way the pair of you flakes have been acting with this shit. We’re in Mexico, not fuckin Katherine’s snatch, it’s not that bad of a place. But nah it’s got nothing about that, it’s about the lack of will, the lack of constitution and the lack of fight. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the fight in the dog, but when the dog has a hollow fuckin heart it ain’t even worth talkin about. You fixin to get fuckin ethered.
It’s time…
The Neverending Shoot, Part 3
Joey: Nah no way I’m wasting that A-Material on you.
He smiles.
Joey: It’s as simple as this Kathy ya fuckin rat, I’m gonna eat you alive…not in the way you hope. You don’t belong anywhere near me in a legit match here; you barely even belong in one with Celeste, and she’s a fuckin cheerleader. Have you fuckin seen her? And even she is beating the shit out of you. What’s next for Katherine Phoenix? You gonna get your shit pushed in by Hank Brown? He could probably beat you already, what the fuck.
So Mrs Phoenix it’s time for the death rattle of the times when ‘Katherine Phoenix’ and ‘Joey Flash’ are mentioned in the same sentence. The sentence in question:
‘Wrestler Katherine Phoenix killed in match on Slam by Joey Flash’
Cya, bitch.
Joey stretches some more, gets into that downward facing dog; ya know how ya man rolls.
Joey: However we have an interesting little quirk to the match, I get to actually face someone new this week. Clap and applause. This is a monumental fucking occasion, shame it has to happen in yet another tag match but what is a man to do? Mikey eXtreme, well there’s gonna be a big X in the centre of the ring on Sunday, a chalky Mikey shaped outline and a straight up fuckin jobberkill.
You took home a win against my cheerleader the other week, congrats man you’re going places with wins like that. You’ve even got the joy of challenging for the United States title at the PPV where you will take on Kaz Mazy…who are you fuckin kidding? Kaz will crush you, it won’t even be close, it won’t be humane what happens in that ring at the PPV, we’ll have fuckin Rev Lovejoys wife screaming ‘WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN’ as Mikey’s already addled mind is smashed into oblivion *no serial killing mask wearing spastic*.
You’re on a three match winning streak and you’re getting a slight buzz going, you’re capitalising on it with everything you have and I’m proud of you…but here is where your little run ends. It ends brutally and it ends very very one sidedly. You have faced not a single top tier competitor in your career here, and boy oh boy it’s not your fuckin lucky day man. You’re a solid mid card wrestler, so why in the fuck do you have to fight against Joey Flash? This shit just aint fair to you man. I’d console you if I wasn’t going to kick ya fuckin head in. Your whole career so far is a walking talking ‘freakshow’ you’re a laughing stock without even realising it.
What happened to you man? Did you hit your head halfway through your run here and suddenly think you were a fuckin biker or something? What the shit, I have no idea what Thomas Bates is putting in the water for you guys, here’s a joke:
A little kid from Portugal, a fuckin billionaire clown and a madman walk into a bar…then walk out dressed as fucking bikers.
Seriously? What the shitting hell is happening here? Hank Brown will beat up Katherine Phoenix and then probably get patched in by Bates and given his own fuckin Harley. I’m gonna crush you on principle. This match is no sweat to me, not even remotely. You are the challenge in this match, and that’s saying a lot given how fuckin bad you are. I could outwrestle you with one leg gone; I could outwit you with half my fuckin brain gone.
This is a Joey Flash equivalent of a week, and still I'm killing you faggots. This shit was easy, you better like dirt cos you've just been routinely fuckin buried. Light work.
Bodybags on deck.
Natural ICE Beckman, Zombie McMorris, Buddy Roman and Joey Flash sat in dead silence in their locker room. This was new territory for them, upsets happen, but upsets don’t happen to the Vapor Kings. Vincent Roman looked down at his boys, each of them sat on the bench with their heads down drenched in sweat and stinking of putrid failure. It was not a smell Buddy could abide, and he was damned if this stench would ruin them. He would not let it.
Buddy: Children…
He looked to Flash, expecting a barb or a quip, but none came. He felt a lump of sadness in his throat. Oh no, this was much worse than he thought.
Buddy: I understand. I truly understand. This match was supposed to be a cakewalk, supposed to be a walkover; I thought as much, I thought we would be well on our way to the finals. I had even booked a children’s entertainer, Gemino the Clown to celebrate. I had party hats, I had party poppers, I even had balloons damn it!
He felt tears falling down his blubbery cheeks.
Buddy: This was our procession, everything was going as planned…until…
He was struggling to think of something to get all three men motivated again.
Buddy: We were heinously, egregiously and maliciously ROBBED by the corrupt Seth Lerch!!
He looked round the room hoping for a response, to his joy all three of his charges raised their heads to look at him.
Buddy: Yes! Yes! It was him, that demon, that devil Lerch. You said it yourself Joseph did you not? You had an upset stomach before the match, and that came from eating food from the WCF authorised vending machine, and you felt hazy from the water that was provided did you not?
Joey: Well, yeah-
Buddy: And you, ICE! Did you notice the pungent taste coming from your beer? No, it wasn’t the natural Natural ICE smell was it? Tainted Spiked and Laced ICE the Seth Lerch version. It’s clearly you were impaired in the ring.
ICE: Well, yeah-
Buddy: Zombie, you with the keenest of eyes managed to see that both the referee and the timekeeper had DRG patches on their official’s uniforms. This is incredibly shaky business, I already tried petitioning the athletic commission for a review of the results but they were having none of it. Can you believe this? What are we to do?
A smile begin cracking across Buddy’s face as he saw the men look at each other for the first time since the defeat, yes this was good, this was excellent. Oh what a joy.
Joey: What are we to do?
Joey stands up.
ICE: What are we to do?
ICE stands up.
ZMAC stands up, frothing at the mouth in anger.
Buddy: Yes boys, what are we going to on Slam?
Joey/ICE/ZMAC: Fucking kill him.
Joe Flow and the Imperial Spittaz
The last time Joey Flash had been in this recording studio it was nigh on a month ago when Joey released his hit single under the alias ‘Joe Flow’. The title track ‘FUCK THIS FUCKIN CRAZY BITCH’ was a hit selling over ten records. Joey was proud of it, this time he was hoping to follow up his stellar debut with an even more powerful sophomoric effort, it was almost as if facing Katherine Phoenix dragged the shitty lyrics and abysmal rapping out of the fresh faced Italian.
He was wearing a very classy tracksuit once more, with his hair slicked back. Joe Flow had returned. The same sound engineer was behind the glass.
Sound Tech: You sure this is gonna be worth the $500 to you man? I still have 240 of your discs in the back that didn’t sell last time.
Joey: Ye of little faith, that first one was just to get my name out there. This one I ain’t even gonna be spittin ya dig?
The sound tech’s face lights up.
Sound Tech: Really?!
Joey: Yeah man.
Sound Tech: Oh thank god.
Joey: Instead, these men are going to be laying down the fire.
Through the door to the booth walk two bearded men proudly displaying the gold belts protecting their THICK…and closely following them waddles an extremely fat balding gentleman.
Joey: Introducing, Bobby C, Grandmaster Kaz and Rapmaster Roman!
Kaz: Wouldn’t it be better if you were Grandmaster Flash?
Joey: I tried, I got a strongly worded letter for trademark infringement. Who knew?
Bobby: So we gonna spit dis shit or what?
Buddy: Yes, my children have had their pens and their pads out and my gosh the bars that have been inked are enough to make my knees tremble. Kaz is hard, Kaz is really hard.
Kaz: So I’ve been told.
Bobby: Trobbingly so.
Joey: Throbbingly?
Cairo beams at Flash.
Bobby: Throbbingly.
Sound Tech: Uhh sorry to break up such a throbbingly good discussion but can we hurry it up?
Buddy: Who is this peon who dares tell us to hurry up?
Joey: The guy who’s recording us and shit.
Bobby: Mothafukka, you probably need to lower the bass of my mic given the ferocity of my spit game.
Kaz: He lies, it’s a swallow game really.
Buddy: How crass, can you not-
Sound Tech: ENOUGH! Can we please hurry this along, I don’t have all day.
Joey: Let’s get it.
The four men surround the lone microphone in the booth and the beat begins.
Flash
Right about now, Imperium court is in full effect
Judge Flash presiding
In the case of Imperium vs Seth Lerch and the WCF
prosecuting attourneys are: Bobby Cairo, Kaz Mazy and Buddy Roman.
Order, order, order
Bobby C take the motherfuckin stand
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothin but the truth so help your jew ass?
Bobby Cairo
You god damn right!
Flash
Well won't you tell everybody what the fuck you gotta say?
Bobby Cairo
Fuck Seth Lerch comin straight from the underground
An Uzbeki badass got it bad cos I’m brown
And not the other color so you go and think
they have the authority to bury a minority
Fuck that shit, cause I ain't gonna fall
for a punk motherfucker with a no dick and no balls
to throw me in the mid-card
beating you senseless would make my dick hard
Fuckin with me cause I'm a big threat
Poor little Sethy still aint ever got his dick wet
Searchin my locker, lookin for the potion called ‘Thick Quick’
Thinkin to I take some shit like that to make my dick big
You'd rather see, me out the fed
than me and tha Monstah rollin in the Rovah
You look slow and out of shape
and when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape
I’m the best in the biz don’t need to prove shit
Still gettin swoll off hot latina poon shit
I don't know if you a fag or what
Search a brother down and grabbing ma thick
But on the other hand, even as the owner of the fed he can’t get none
No woman will touch him, not a black or a white one
Cos even if you offer them money
One look at ya face will shrivel their cunny
Bobby C will push in ya shit quick
on ANY motherfucker called Seth with a limp dick
Just cause I'm from Poon Guinea
This fuckin geek is afraid of me
A young Bobby on the wapath
And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath
of your whole roster dying in Mexico
So come on ya bitch, let’s go
FUCK SETH LERCH
Example of scene one:
[Seth] You’re fighting in the show opener.
[Flash] What? Come on I’ve been the best and most consistent wrestler. I’ve been the most dominant competitor you’ve had and haven’t had a single title shot not even at the fuckin People’s Title or some shit, why not?
[Seth] Cause I feel like it! Just sit your ass in the midcard and shut the fuck up
[Flash] Man, fuck this shit
[Seth] Aight smartass, you’re fighting Gemini Battle again.
Flash
Kaz, will you please give your testimony
to the jury about this fucked up incident?
Kaz
Fuck Seth Lerch and I said it with authority
because the niggaz in Imperium is the majority
In Trios this bitch gave us the toughest draw
ol Judge Dredd ass nigga, ‘I am the law’
However gonna wish Kaz was a nigga he never saw
You should have left us dormant like before
Now you woke the damn dragon
and there gonna be a whole host of corpses we be draggin
You threaten tough matches and shit we just laugh
fuck everyone up don’t ever step in my path
Seth, I'm sayin, "Fuck you punk!"
You made a mistake now you gonna get slumped
Tryin to fuck Imperium up and stack the deck for us to lose?
you done lit ya own fuse
You finna hide behind any shit team you need man
LUBRICATION TWIST to all of em will leave ya screamin
It’ll be like a slumber party when I leave ya sleepin
I’ll leave you pushin daisies like Morgan Freeman
DRG, Sentinels, Pantheon, it’s nothing
Anyone we fight I guarantee we crush em
You’ve done nothing but ignore us and push out buttons
But I only talk to bosses, so end of discussion
You think the shit you have can butcher me?
We comin for you nigga no Booker T
Killin Seth would make my day
But a nigga like Kaz don't give a fuck to say
FUCK SETH LERCH
Flash
Buddy Roman, won't you step up to the stand
and tell the jury how you feel about this bullshit?
Buddy Roman
I'm tired of all of this talking
This man Lerch has been at my house stalking
shining his light through my windows and for what?
Maybe it's because he admires my physique
I put on a business clinic, he puts on business clinique
Seth you’ve always got something silly to say
What next, ‘snapz vs ICE for the World Title today?’
All of you know Imperium are here to rule
Going to take all your pitiful roster to school
We can see the fear in your eyes, you’ll need all your guys
Look in mine, do you see any lies?
Silly boy doesn’t understand the feud he’s started
This destruction is going to be uncharted
Don’t tell me in the end you weren’t warned
We’ll be pouring liquor on the street, RIP WCF you’re going to be mourned
FUCK SETH LERCH
The verdict:
[Flash] The jury has found you guilty of bein a redneck, white bread, chickenshit motherfucker who is trying to protect his business against the greatest group of talent that has ever been assembled in his company. For the main felony of ‘counter-productive fucking business’ we sentence you to a week in Logan’s dungeon dressed as a teddy bear to be overseen by Mistress Phoenix. Fucc yaself Lerch…but I think someone will beat us to it.
[Seth] But wait, that's a lie! That's a god damn lie!
[Flash] Get him out of here!
[Seth] I want justice!
[Flash] Get him the fuck out my face!
[Seth] I want justice!
[Flash] Out, RIGHT NOW!
[Seth] FUCK YOU, YOU IMPERIUM MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!
FUCK SETH LERCH
The track ends and all four men whoop and celebrate, hugs, dick grabs and high fives are aplenty as each of them is happy with the momentous song.
Joey: How was that?
All four men look intently through the glass toward the Sound Tech.
Sound Tech: One question…
Bobby: If you’re asking, nine inches…in a freezing cold fucking pool man.
Sound Tech: Who the fuck is Seth Lerch?
Joey Flash launches pitiful shoot in the direction of his opponents and other fed related business
It had been another long week for Joey Flash; he had spent his first couple of days ruminating about the match that had cost him the chance at his destiny. Was this fate? Was this God’s way of laughing at his ultimate jester, hello Joseph, here is some hope let me rip it all away again. Joey began to laugh as he rested his head on the cool chill of his hotel room window. He stared upward, the sky was clear and in the sky shone the millions of stars to billions of worlds and yet somehow it seemed to Joey that out of all the souls passing through the sky into infinity that his was the most pathetic.
The fire that filled his gut like a raging dragon had been quelled to that of the embers of a dying fire floating away into the wind. He slumped back to the edge of his bed like a vanquished soldier taking the coup de grace to the back of the head.
Joey: Is this what you wanted?
He sat up, hair matted across his sullen face.
Joey: You wanted me to get one step from my goal, my dream, my future and you wanted that to just…
He crushes a collection of dreams in his fist and blows them away.
Joey: Fall into nothingness.
He smiles, a sad smile. An "I am Pagliacci” smile.
Joey: Wanna know the worst thing about this shit? I truly honest to god thought this was my destiny, like this tournament was going to shape up to be everything that I had ever worked for in this business, I’d finally get to vanquish the ghost of Jonny Fly and everybody could finally move on under the all-encompassing wing of Joey Flash, but now? This is what you wanted yeah?
You didn’t want Beckman vs Orbit, you didn’t want McMorris vs Black, you didn’t want Flash vs Fly. No no, this is what we get, this fucking travesty. It makes me sick, it makes me physically sick how I fucked this shit up…is what you want me to say.
Joey smiles and stretches, his spine crackling.
Joey: How do I feel? I feel like a sack of shit, I never thought, I never ever worried about myself, I was struggling to cover for Beckman to cover for ZMAC I never thought to cover for myself. So the worst of the worst happened…down goes Flash…down goes Flash…down goes Flash…and it’s aaaaaaaaaaaaall over. No more can Joey Flash say he’s never been pinned in his wrestling career.
Well isn’t this a fucking beauty. Here I am in my hotel room in shitfuck Mexico holding out for another two weeks. The two weeks that should have been seeing Joey Flash become the next in line to wear that World Title, now what do we have? Wanna guess, long time Joey Flash fans, wanna guess what we have here?
Yep that’s right, Joey Flash fighting nobodies in a retarded fucking tag match buried in the mid card. How times have changed since the first few weeks I spent in the company fighting nobodies in retarded fucking tag matches buried in the mid card.
I’m going to do this now, and I’m going to do this right.
Joey licks his lips and takes a deep breath.
Joey: We’re getting close to breaking point here. Not ‘I’m going to play games with you Seth’ breaking point, I mean ‘I’m going to fucking destroy you’ breaking point. I created this contingency plan with the sole idea that this sort of thing would happen. That plan is Imperium.
Joey smiles.
Joey: We’re going to begin on something amazing, something truly beautiful this week at Slam. I’ve allowed the WCF to continue as normal, I’ve been happy in the background the past month and I’ve let things continue. I was willing to let this continue and just keep biding my time but this shit? The way that the federation is crumbling around us is too much.
How different things could have been for us here. That three count last week sealed this federation’s fate. Seth, WCF fans, do you not understand what you could have had here?
Joey Flash vs Jonny Fly
Natural ICE Beckman vs Steve Orbit
Zombie McMorris vs Corey Black
That is as good as it comes, this is the best Pay Per View card you could ever hope to have, you think the card at One has three matches like that? Fuckin hell. You had that, you had that in the palm of your hand, but I fucked it up. I fucked it up something rotten. I cost everyone.
I ripped that shit away from you by losing to DRG. Oh you poor fans, you don’t get the dream match coming up? Fuck this shit. You want to see these matches? Fuck you, pay me. This week at least it’s pretty much a fucking week off for me, wow how happy am I?
A look at his expression says ‘Not very’.
Joey: So we have a wonderful intergender tag team tilt this week, roll up roll up come get ya tickets to watch your headline star and your best money maker King Flash in a random fuckin shitty match, what great acumen.
Who am I paired with you wonder? Is it one of my Imperium brothers? Are we going to wreak havoc once more as a penance for our pitiful showings the past couple of weeks? Nope it’s someone by the name of ‘Fuccin Celeste’. Fuck my life. This fuckin tomato headed slut is one of the most incompetent excuses for a wrestler I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching flop about in a ring. Bitch, you will do two things for us to gel well as a team.
1) Stay the fuck out of the ring, for the love of all that is holy.
2) Suck my dick.
Those tits belong nowhere near a wrestling ring, bitch should have her legs wrapped round a pole and be dancing for pay rather than getting repeatedly butt fucked in the ring. Each to their own, Celeste my little muffin cup, stay out of my fuckin way and just maybe I won’t beat the ever loving shit out of you as well ya daft bitch.
Facing the formidable team of Joey Flash and his big titted cheerleader/valet who will remain outside of the ring and look pretty this week is the team of Mikey eXtreme and…oh no…oh no please…
I thought I was done with you. I thought I had managed to finally escape.
Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in and now I have to share a squared circle with the pre-eminent wacko in the entire federation once more. However I gotta admit I’m feeling happy for one thing, see the last time we were scheduled to face each other in our long awaited feud ending payout…you got ya fuckin ass beat in the back by the very woman who is going to be cheerleading me this week.
I didn’t even get the chance to finally crush your ugly face into mush with my fist. I’d spent the days leading up to our match putting baby lotion and hand cream on, I wanted to make that shit as beautiful and soft as it made contact with your shattering bones so I can enjoy the full experience of breakin ya fuckin face.
God damn how fuckin pathetic you are, you’re so bad at this you can barely even get into the ring let alone fight. It seems like the fear of having to fight me, and then the beatdown put on you by the dainty hands of Celeste sent you into a downward spiral even further than we could have ever possibly hoped! Rejected, bloodied and beaten by the pair of us you tucked your tail between your legs and ran back to that fuckin idiot Logan, he, being the fuckin pathetic bitch he is just lets you straight back into his ever loving arms. Jeez you are fuckin kidding me?
So what’s your thing now Katherine? Every little avenue you try to crawl up turns into a dead fuckin end.
Joey Flash…bodybag.
Celeste…bodybag.
Agreeing to wed Logan? Beep…beep…beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Damn you flatlined and killed ya own fuckin self with that one.
It’s pathetic the way the pair of you flakes have been acting with this shit. We’re in Mexico, not fuckin Katherine’s snatch, it’s not that bad of a place. But nah it’s got nothing about that, it’s about the lack of will, the lack of constitution and the lack of fight. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight but the fight in the dog, but when the dog has a hollow fuckin heart it ain’t even worth talkin about. You fixin to get fuckin ethered.
It’s time…
The Neverending Shoot, Part 3
Joey: Nah no way I’m wasting that A-Material on you.
He smiles.
Joey: It’s as simple as this Kathy ya fuckin rat, I’m gonna eat you alive…not in the way you hope. You don’t belong anywhere near me in a legit match here; you barely even belong in one with Celeste, and she’s a fuckin cheerleader. Have you fuckin seen her? And even she is beating the shit out of you. What’s next for Katherine Phoenix? You gonna get your shit pushed in by Hank Brown? He could probably beat you already, what the fuck.
So Mrs Phoenix it’s time for the death rattle of the times when ‘Katherine Phoenix’ and ‘Joey Flash’ are mentioned in the same sentence. The sentence in question:
‘Wrestler Katherine Phoenix killed in match on Slam by Joey Flash’
Cya, bitch.
Joey stretches some more, gets into that downward facing dog; ya know how ya man rolls.
Joey: However we have an interesting little quirk to the match, I get to actually face someone new this week. Clap and applause. This is a monumental fucking occasion, shame it has to happen in yet another tag match but what is a man to do? Mikey eXtreme, well there’s gonna be a big X in the centre of the ring on Sunday, a chalky Mikey shaped outline and a straight up fuckin jobberkill.
You took home a win against my cheerleader the other week, congrats man you’re going places with wins like that. You’ve even got the joy of challenging for the United States title at the PPV where you will take on Kaz Mazy…who are you fuckin kidding? Kaz will crush you, it won’t even be close, it won’t be humane what happens in that ring at the PPV, we’ll have fuckin Rev Lovejoys wife screaming ‘WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN’ as Mikey’s already addled mind is smashed into oblivion *no serial killing mask wearing spastic*.
You’re on a three match winning streak and you’re getting a slight buzz going, you’re capitalising on it with everything you have and I’m proud of you…but here is where your little run ends. It ends brutally and it ends very very one sidedly. You have faced not a single top tier competitor in your career here, and boy oh boy it’s not your fuckin lucky day man. You’re a solid mid card wrestler, so why in the fuck do you have to fight against Joey Flash? This shit just aint fair to you man. I’d console you if I wasn’t going to kick ya fuckin head in. Your whole career so far is a walking talking ‘freakshow’ you’re a laughing stock without even realising it.
What happened to you man? Did you hit your head halfway through your run here and suddenly think you were a fuckin biker or something? What the shit, I have no idea what Thomas Bates is putting in the water for you guys, here’s a joke:
A little kid from Portugal, a fuckin billionaire clown and a madman walk into a bar…then walk out dressed as fucking bikers.
Seriously? What the shitting hell is happening here? Hank Brown will beat up Katherine Phoenix and then probably get patched in by Bates and given his own fuckin Harley. I’m gonna crush you on principle. This match is no sweat to me, not even remotely. You are the challenge in this match, and that’s saying a lot given how fuckin bad you are. I could outwrestle you with one leg gone; I could outwit you with half my fuckin brain gone.
This is a Joey Flash equivalent of a week, and still I'm killing you faggots. This shit was easy, you better like dirt cos you've just been routinely fuckin buried. Light work.
Bodybags on deck.
