Post by Joey Flash on May 17, 2015 16:44:28 GMT -5
Strongly Worded Letter
The night was reaching its conclusion, and the same conclusion as most nights, Joey Flash was fucked up. He dropped the fourth of his pack of his chainsmoked ten minute binge of cigarettes on the pavement and pulled the pack out to indulge once more. He fumbled with his lighter for a moment before finally getting a spark and a light, he took a deep inhale. The cab he had ordered was late by over five minutes and Joey wasn’t the most patient person at the best of times. A drunk, tired and achy Joey Flash was even less so.
This was the first time he had let himself let his hair down for uhh, a week. The Mullins shit had made him extra vigilant about where he went around town and what he did recreationally down here south of the border. He deserved this shit though, once more a breath taking and hard fought war against his biggest rival at Slam. A match that managed to live up to its hype and more, Joey played about with the phone and began trying to find some shit to record him speaking, he had thought of lots of great ideas for a promotional video addressing his victory over The Sentinels that he would almost certainly forget during whatever little shuteye he was going to get. Joey pressed the record button and began to speak, as loud abrasive and drunk as one can get at 4am on a Mexico City street corner, so: pretty abrasive.
Joey: Hello, is this thing fuckin recording?
He observed the little sound bars dancing up and down with each word that came out of his mouth.
Joey: Aight fuckin cool. Right, uhh, so I’m just recording this shit so that in the morning Joe you’ll be able to put something fuckin worthwhile together and like do a video and some shit. I could probably do a video now but the lighting would be pretty shit and I’d probably end up saying some real offensive fuckin shit like call someone a spic or some shit, that’d be terrible for the Flash brand. So for now I’m just talkin, it’s a good fuckin technology this, these stupid faggots used to carry like Dictaphones and shit what the fuck? Who still has that shit, like I see these stupid reporters and shit clicking about with their fuckin cassette tapes, feel like slapping em and saying ‘THIS AINT THE 80’s BITCH’ fuckin idiots. Why carry extra shit around? Anyway fuck it what was I gonna say?
He pauses in thought for a moment.
Joey: Yeah, right.
Then smiles
Joey:
Joey Flash 3
Occulo 0
What do these numbers signify you may find yourself wondering…actually you probably won’t. I’ve stoved this guy’s face in three times, and three times I’ve defeated this mothafucka.
Joey Flash 2
Howard Black 0
Oh what’s this, another dominant head to head record?
Joey Flash 1
Dune 0
Damn shit not looking good for these Sentinels right now. Ya’ll might as well as call yourselves ‘Joey Flashes Bitches’, what justice can you protect when ya can’t even protect ya fuckin selves? This idiot Dune right here was so angered at our dominance and control in the match he callously and viciously attacked the defenceless and innocent Natural ICE Beckman with a steel chair, that shit was horrible. Such a violent attack, I wouldn’t even let my son watch the match afterward because of the ANIMAL that Dune is.
What’s up man, where was the higher ground you were talking about? You were babbling about that your entire promo, bitch you’re not Obi Wan and I ain’t motherfuckin Anakin, then you can’t even keep the higher ground morally and cost your team any chance of the win. Good going Goon, and to think you’re the number one contender, you’re laughable.
John, how’s it going? How does it feel to yet again be so utterly and thoroughly outmatched against Joey Flash in the ring once more? It’s getting to a point where any sane man would have to consider quitting, any boxer gets beaten by the same opponent three times and people would be pleading for them to retire. Personally I wanna see you retire cos you’re boring as hell, but you’re my number one favourite fuckin punchbag. Imperium has taken everything from you, your manhood, your status and your precious United States Title. You have nothing left of comfort in this world, a couple of rag tag faggots like Dune and Howie ain’t gonna stop you from crying at home…
Joey pauses
Joey: Which also rhymes with something else you’re going to have to deal with: DYING ALONE.
The cab has still not arrived and Joey is getting antsy.
Joey: Where the fuck is this thing, you know you expect shit to be punctual and on time and what happens? You get left at the roadside waiting like a fuckin idiot for a car that may or may not even turn up while you’re ranting and raving into a phone, does this sound like a good fuckin night to you? No of course it doesn’t Joe. Where was I?
Dune, did you accept my challenge I haven’t heard back? All I heard was a scared little faggot squeaking about some shit, I think I caught the words ‘Sorry’ and ‘I am scared’ in there somewhere. Just what I thought, ya fuckin mutt, I was giving you a way out of humiliation on the biggest stage of all…by giving you humiliation on a slightly smaller stage first. I’m a humanitarian and a scho-
Fucking finally!
Joey hit the ‘STOP’ on the screen of his phone, pocketed it and waved to the approaching taxi…which flew straight past him.
Joey: NO! Come back, I fucking ordered you!
The car disappears into the distance as a disconsolate Flash pulls his phone out once more, opens the app and hits ‘RECORD’.
Joey: Okay so these fuckin Mexicunts apparently employ either blind or fucking stupid Taxi drivers. So guess what, I’m talking to you again, remember to write a strong worded letter to ‘Cabron Cars’, fuck that shit, I’m dictating it.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing this mothafuckin letter, note to self, don’t include any fuckin swearwords when you write this shit. The Flash brand baby, the Flash brand. Also don’t say that, aight from now the letter begins.
I am writing this mothafuckin letter to express my disappointment at the service and lack of courtesy you cunts showed on Friday 15th of May 2015 when I booked a Taxi that was to pick me up on the corner of Avenida de los Insurg…
His strongly worded letter is cut very short when looks up to see a street sign hanging above him, brightly lit with the words ‘Avenida Álvaro Obregón’.
Joey: Wait a second here whoa whoa, this shit ain’t right, I didn’t order a fuckin cab to fuckin here, so why am I fuckin here?
The fact that the taxi he actually ordered had likely sped straight past him to the location he actually ordered it for finally dawned on the poor Mr Flash.
Joey: Oh fuck sake, why do I have to be in this shithole place with its gayass fuckin stupid street names, fuck you ya fuckin sign!
Joey kicks the post holding the sign, and regrets it immediately.
Joey: OW FUCK. Jesus Christ why did I fucking kick it? Right, Avenida Álvaro Obregón, Avenida Álvaro Obregón…wait why am I repeating it the sign is right fucking there?
Joey taps away at his phone once more, hits ‘STOP’ and finds the number for ‘Cabron Cars’ once more.
Cabron Dispatch: Hola! Cabron Cars!
Joey: Hello I’d like to book a Taxi please.
Cabron Dispatch: Where from?
Joey: Uhhh… Avenida Álvaro Obregón, I’m near a park or some shit.
Cabron Dispatch: Oh yes, we send car there now, what name please?
Joey: Flash.
Cabron Dispatch: Oh no no Flash!! We send car to you earlier, and you didn’t arrive, poor Erik was waiting nearly twenty minutes, you are trickster and liar, you are prank, we know your type, stupid American. No car for you!
The call is ended.
Joey: I am prank? I am fucking prank?! You motherfucker!
Joey hits redial.
Cabron Dispatch: Hola! Cabron Cars!
Joey pinches his nose and puts on a pathetic attempt at an Eastern European accent.
Joey: Hello I’d like to order a taxi please.
Cabron Dispatch: Where from?
Holy fuck this guy is buying it, cool.
Joey: Avenida Álvaro Obregón, I’m near a park.
Cabron Dispatch: You think I’m stupid? You just tried to order car to exact same location, Flash that is a terrible accent, what even is that you are even trying to do?
Joey (still in the accent): Ehhhh is Russian.
Cabron Dispatch: You admit you’re doing an accent?
Joey: Ehhh no, I want car.
Cabron Dispatch: I know it is you Flash, give up the act.
Joey finally slips out of his pitiful accent.
Joey: Look, I’m sorry about earlier, I got fuckin confused about streets and shit, can you please please please, send me a car. I’m lost and dunno where the fuck I am.
Cabron Dispatch: You don’t know where you are? That’s it! You say you are Avenida Álvaro Obregón near a park, now you say you don’t know, you are prank!
Joey: No no, I mean…look I really am at this place. Alvaro whatever, My name is Joey Flash and I wrestle for WCF…
Cabron Dispatch: Ahhh! My nephew three times removed Sin Rostro Jr used to wrestle there!
Joey: No shit? What’s the guy doing nowadays?
Cabron Dispatch: Yeah, he was supposed to be the guy picking you up first time Flash!
Joey: Damn, can I have him?
Cabron Dispatch: No.
Joey: Okay I don’t really care, just please soon.
Cabron Dispatch: Avenida Álvaro Obregón, Park, be with you soon Flash!!
Joey: Much thanks.
The long wait began again and the ten or so minutes went oddly fast until a heavily customised VW came round the corner with ‘Taxi’ emblazoned on a rooftop sign.
Taxicab Confessions
The back of the taxi smelt oddly like the crotch of Zombie McMorris...not that Joey had intimate knowledge of said crotch nor said smells or...crusty stains, not that there’s anything wrong with that. For some reason photographs were blu-tacked to the ceiling, had bent in the heat and were of the driver’s kids, and upon closer inspection, Joey was sure his daughter, who looked about 13, had a thick moustache and bore a close resemblance to every fuckin member of the Dark Riders Gang, all she needed was a shitty little leather jacket and a gaudy ridiculous patch.
The driver had actually gauged out the speedometer on the dashboard, and used it house a small rat. Which for some reason he was singing to before he even addressed Joey in the back.
Joey: Uh, hello?
The driver looked at Joey, stared at him for a few seconds, looked out the window and then back at Joey
Driver: Yes?
Joey: Do you know where you’re going?
Driver: Why, have you told me?
Joey: No...I just thought maybe you’d I dunno, ask?
Driver: I don’t ask you tell.
Joey: What? This isn’t some kind of Spetsnaz interrogation.
Driver: Tell!
Joey: Fine fucking, uhh, can we stop at a shop, I wanna get some more booze.
The driver pointed at the rat whilst staring dead into Joey’s eyes in silence. Joey looked at the rat and then at the driver.
Joey: What?!
Driver: You feed. Mary is out of food. Do you have food?
Joey: You’re not a fucking pet shop, you’re a Taxi driver, take me to a fucking shop, what is wrong with you?
Driver: We go to pet shop.
Joey: NO we don’t go to fucking pet shop; we go to shop shop, people shop.
Driver: People shop at pet shop for Mary rats. I get my Mary rat from Mother basement.
Joey: What the fuck is a Mary rat?
Driver looks at Joey incredulously and points at the docile rat.
Driver: Is Mary.
Joey stares into the desolate eyes of the poor rodent, sharing its pain of having to put up with this absolute imbecile.
Joey: Can we drive or not?
Driver: I can drive, it is my job. Can you?
Joey: Yes I can fucking drive.
Driver: Oh why you need me then?
Joey: I am drunk, I am tired, I don’t want to accidentally kill someone tonight, the way this is going it’s going to be a justified fucking homicide, TAKE ME TO A SHOP.
Driver: H’okay we go to shop now.
The driver finally gets this hunk of shit car rolling as we go all of ten seconds down the road.
Driver: Shop.
Joey peers out of the window to find a run-down dilapidated looking convenience store.
Joey: Yeah I’m not sure that-
Driver: Is shop.
Joey opens the door and steps out, unsure of whether he should just disappear into the night and sleep in a fuckin ditch somewhere rather than spend more time with this idiot. Joey opens the door to the shop with a *ding* and goes about his business picking up a small bottle of vodka. How kind that they are willing to serve him, he must have pulled off not looking drunk awesomely. He staggers back toward the taxi and opens the door plopping himself in the back seat.
Joey: Great, just a little question though…
Joey looks to his left to find an exceedingly obese man chomping away on a bag of chips sat next to him.
Fat Cunt: Hola!
Joey: Who the fuck is this guy?
The driver turns round to see Joey and the fat guy sat next to each other.
Driver: Is Pablo.
Joey: Pablo?
Tubby Bastard: Si, Pablo.
Joey: Well Pablo, do you care to get the fuck out?
Lard Lad: Que?
Joey strokes his temples before pulling the vodka out of his bag.
Joey: Just drive.
He cracks the cheap ass drink open and takes a swig, before offering some to Pablo.
Pablo: Ahh I dreenk.
Pablo necks about a third of the vodka before Flash rips it from his sausage fingers.
Joey: That’s quite enough.
Driver: Ehh meester American what chu doing here?
Joey: I’m here for business.
Driver: What business, you businessman yes? Look more like cheap restaurant owner.
The driver and Pablo share a hearty laugh.
Joey: I’m a…wrestler.
The two Mexicans share a silent glance.
Driver: Wrestling Championship…
Pablo: Federation?
Joey: YES! YES that’s me.
Both of the men study Joey more carefully until Pablo begins a fatter version of the truffle shuffle, his wiggling fat bumping against Joey like a tsunami smashing the coast of Japan.
Pablo: Jo Jo Joey Flash!!!!
Joey: Fuck.
Driver: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!
Joey: Double fuck. Look can I just go to my hote-
Driver: OH HO HOOOO!!!
Pablo: Joey Flash is worst, man why you beat Occulo, I bet on Occulo. Some guy said from future said Occulo would win why I lose money?
Joey: That guy cost me money same as you buddy, don’t take it out on fuckin me!
Driver: Calm calm! You win us money this week yes?
Joey: Look, it’s simple just BET ON JOEY FLASH and you win money what is so hard to understand about this philosophy, with this shit you would have won twenty times and only lost thrice, it’s not fuckin hard to understand.
Pablo: He is good advice.
Driver: I dunno mang, you don’t look too impressive to me, Pablo would beat you I think.
Joey: Pablo?
Joey looks at the fat mess next to him.
Joey: Fucking Pablo? He looks like someone who you take to the ice cream parlour, have a lovely day with, you order a Sundae, he orders the rest of the week.
The driver and Pablo begin laughing.
Pablo: Eh he he, he funny guy. You face Darkie Group, team of negro bikers!!!
Joey: I don’t think-
Pablo: Sure, kick their black asses. Stupid nig-
Joey: They’re white.
Driver: Liar! You are lie.
Pablo: Why they not White Riders then smart guy?
Joey: Cos Dark seems more menacing? How the fuck am I supposed to know?
Driver: Yes dark is more menacing, darkie sit in back of taxi I keep knife at ready for him to rob me. White Riders sounds like four eyed officeman on push bike.
Joey: Right. Can we go to my hotel yet?
Driver: What is hotel?
Joey: A place where you pay to sleep for a pre-arranged amount of time.
Driver: What is hotel?
Joey: Marriott.
Driver: Marry what?
Joey: Really, really you’re doing the ‘Classic “comedy” shtick where the foreign guy fails to understand the words I’m saying for so called “funny” consequences?’ No motherfucker listen, you’re taking me to the Marriott hotel, I will pay you money for this fuckin retarded trip and I will put this short blip on my otherwise amazing life out of my memory forever. Deal?
Driver: Que?
Joey: Really?
Driver: Ha ha! I keed I keed. H’okay we go chu hotel now.
Joey: Why did you suddenly get a fucking thicker accent?
Driver: Ehh, we go hotel.
The Neverending Shoot Part 2: Joey Eviscerates DRG.
It had been fifteen minutes since Joey had arrived back at his luxury suite, he begged and prayed that when he opened the door that a decapitated prostitute wasn’t waiting for him within. He was happy to see a clean, tidy room instead, how delightful. Joey sat up from his ten minute shut eye to finally bring himself back into the land of the living.
It was here, two more matches and Joey Flash would finally get what he is owed, what is deserved in this company, all his hard work, all his toil, all his efforts came for one simple goal, The World Championship. He was so close he could fuckin smell it. Joey sighed and set his phone up once more, this time on video. Fuck it, promo time. He pressed record.
Joey: Semi-finals of Trio’s cup. We are one step away from the pinnacle. Imperium are once step away from defeating whatever branch of Pantheon step in front of us, The Vapor Kings are one step away from solidifying themselves as the ultimate three man squad in WCF history, Joey Flash is one step away from sweeping the whole tournament and finally being able to take the fight to Pantheon personally.
Lemme address something a lil before we go any further. See we have a lot of short sighted small minded fans here in the WCF who clamour and demand for things to be put on their plate and spoon fed to them.
‘WHO DO I CHEER?’
‘WHO DO I BOO?’
‘WHAT T-SHIRT DO I BUY?’
Why are Imperium being so silent and so inactive since their formation, why are we not taking action? Why are we not asserting our dominance? Oh boys and girls you fail to understand our role here, we are not simply a bunch of savages who go out and act without reason, if you want that go see Thomas Bates and the Dark Riders Gang.
We sit above everything else in the WCF and step down when we’re needed. Shit I don’t often liken myself to a God…
He pauses for a moment.
Joey: Well whatever, point being. We don’t act; we have no need to act. If one of wants something done in the federation, we will take control of said scenario and control it, this week there is a little of Imperium business that requires us to be at odds. Shameful isn’t it, this will be painful for all involved.
Joey took a swig of his vodka.
Joey: Cairo, Kaz, Balfore, I’m sorry it has to come to this, Imperium vs Imperium. This is going to be the matchup everyone has wanted to see, six of the best wrestlers in the company squaring, this is the six man match everyone has wanted for months and months, and finally the stars have aligned and we’re going to give it to them. I understand guys, it’s going to be hard to come at me with all you have given how inspiring and kind of a leader I have been to you all but please, please listen. I demand you go full force, I demand you fight me with all you have. It’s the Imperium way.
Pantheon vs Pantheon
Imperium vs Imperium
It’s fuckin beautiful that such wonderful symmetry has managed to work itself out with this epic encounter…
Wait…
Joey puts on an over the top ‘thinking’ face.
Joey: Oh fuck, I’ve spent my time preparing for the superior team and now have to face these fucking spastic riders instead. Fuck…my…life.
Joey smiles.
Joey: Hello there! Hello WCF Universe, I’m here in my hotel preparing for the match against The Dark Riders Gang, The Defilers of Logic whatever the fuck these three idiots are calling themselves. As you can see I’m deep in preparation…
He takes a long swig of his vodka.
Joey: If it were against The Poondocks? Ya boy would be in the gym working right now, instead? Fuckin look at me. This is the contempt I have for you, this is the lack of respect I have for you. This is how absolutely fucking terrible the three of you are.
I’m drunk, I’m high and it’s the night before the fucking match, this is how terrible you are. Get this through your heads.
YOU…
FUCKING…
SUCK.
Period. Actually, not period, comma, you are three of the most boring, bland, generic, basic and rudimentary wrestlers to have ever thought themselves worthy of competing at a top level. I’m not fucking around with you losers this week, your souls are gonna burn from this ether I’m sending your way. This is that career ending shit, the soul destroying shit, the suicide inducing shit. I’ll start my work tonight and end it in the ring on Sunday.
So let’s get to it, three fuckin losers against three of the best wrestlers in the entire history of the WCF’s illustrious history. How does this one work out? I dunno, let’s do the simulation on WCF 2k15, I’m sure one of you three nerds have that on ya fuckin computers and shit, sim the match out, see how many different ways the Vapor Kings stop ya fuckin heads in.
I’m deading this shit, I’m deading it right now. See the way we have seen Bates, Battle and Murdock talk over the past coupla weeks it almost seems like these people think they have a chance. Isn’t it just heartbreaking? You people man, I swear, you jumped up losers think that what? This Trios cup is gonna somehow springboard you toward great things? You think you’re going to walk all the way to the final, win that and then one of you go on to challenge for the World Title? This is madness.
You guys are the very definition of mediocre.
mediocre
Pronounced: dark-ri-ders-gang
adjective
examples;
1. Thomas Uriel Bates
2. Gemini Battle
3. Gonzo Murdock
I’ve seen you week after week after week. You people think that you’re on our level? It’s not just talk it’s fuckin straight up delusion. Let’s get to the Elephant in the room, no I don’t have TUB’s old lady in the bed behind me, I’m talkin about the match last week.
Joey claps.
Joey: Hey well done guys, you’ve done really well. It’s common knowledge after the match that the Poondock Saints were heinously ROBBED by the circumstances. Did you know Bobby Cairo only got seven hours sleep before your match? He needs at least eight to be able to perform at full strength.
*that’s one asterisk.
Poor Kaz Mazy, he was wearing the incorrect socks for his match, he prefers a cusiony almost bed sock and yet the athletic commission in this dastardly land wouldn’t even provide him with that.
**that’s the second asterisk.
Odin Balfore? This poor gentleman had a family emergency that very day, his second cousin once removed’s hamster perished in a brutal lawnmower related accident.
***that’s the third asterisk.
You people shouldn’t even be called The Defilers of Logic, you should be the Opportunity Takers of Encumbered Superior Fighters. It’s sickening how you’re claiming victory after that, I’d be ashamed to even raise my head and acknowledge victory in such horrific circumstances. Please ladies and gentlemen I would like your prayers to go toward The Poondock Saints in their time of trouble.
To donate to the ‘Poondock Protection Fund’ please donate on PayPal to: JOEYFLASHCONSGULLIBLEIDIOTS@gmail.com, a minimum of $10 thank you, kind souls.
So be it, you won the match. Damn you sure foiled my plans, you sure showed that dastardly Joey Flash. BZZZT fuckin wrong. Wanna know what you imbeciles did instead? You’ve done walked straight into a fuckin deathtrap. Congratulations on completing the Imperium challenge on easy mode, now you’re skipping Normal, Hard, Very Hard and INSANE! and shooting straight for ‘Beastmode’.
Joey shakes his head, his hair flopping in front of his face.
Joey: Truly illogical, Spock’s head would fuckin explode at the very thought of you guys. I can hear you guys watching this shit already, your fresh, happy, eager faces becoming drawn and pale with fear the second my dulcet tones start blasting from the speakers. So yeah, guess what, I’m taking you light, wanna know MY logic?
In every matchup we would have against you guys 1v1 we would be favourites, fuck the past, fuck worthless random victories, this is the big leagues now boys.
Zombie McMorris crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
Natural ICE Beckman crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
Joey Flash crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
B-bbbut Gemini beat ZMAC and Thomas holds a win of Jo- shut the fuck up. That was light work, that was bullshit with nothing on the line, taking you light don’t mean I ain’t taking you serious. You wanna know how serious this match is for me? This is that you gotta kill me to beat me type shit, you couldn’t even harm a hair on my pretty little head.
What the fuck, I’ve damn near killed these fools and I ain’t even started cookin yet.
Joey takes another swig and holds a finger up to the camera before disappearing; we hear the sound of urine slamming into the toilet bowl…then the plastic seat…then the floor. Joey emerges with a smile on his face and zips up.
I know what you people want, say it with me now, say it with me. Without further ado, let’s get straight to the mothafuckin bodybags.
GEMINI BATTLE, BODYBAG.
THOMAS URIEL BATES, BODYBAG.
GONZO MURDOCK I’M GONNA PUT YOUR BODYBAG IN A BODYBAG.
Joey smiles.
Joey: I have being feeling sad of late, it’s like something has been missing from my life. You people know that feeling right? When you wake up on a morning and it just feels like something just…isn’t right with the world. That feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror that makes you feel hollow and you don’t know why. Like you’re drifting down the endless stream of life without a place or purpose, that there is just something that is holding you back, almost like an amputee still feels their phantom limb ya know?
Oh I know now! I haven’t faced Gemini Battle in about a month!
Fuck fucking sake. Why when I think I’ve finally deaded you for good and gotten rid of your wack ass do you always seem to re-appear? You’re that villain in every shitty film that the hero beats the fuck out of every time; they fail every time and then just get turned into comic relief. That’s what you are to me, you’re worse than Occulo, you’re the comic relief enemy to my great story. You’re the type of guy to think that this is some amazing rivalry people will write about for years to come, people will sing the song of when Joey Flash and Gemini Battle fought in the WCF ring, when this match was the one the most emotion filled contest that could ever be brought to light. For you this is the biggest match you have ever had in your life, finally redemption over Joey Flash, for me? It’s a boring weekend in May.
This is not an amazing rivalry; this is not even a close contest. This is a fucking one sided annihilation, this is a Bulldog pup against a fuckin Bullpup rifle. Never once have I ever considered you on my level, never once have I considered you a threat. You are nothing to me; you are a blemish on my record, not because I’ve ever come close to losing to you but because to have faced you so many times it makes it seem like I have struggled with you in any of our matches. Let’s make it clear now to anyone who hasn’t seen the pair of us fight before, it has not been close, it has not even been remotely close, it has been a landslide, a fuckin whitewash. You’re like a fuckin retarded lab rat that whenever it goes to feed it gets an electric shock, but this case you just don’t learn you just keep fuckin coming back for more.
Well Joey Flash is here and Joey Flash is ready to deliver the deathblow to your pathetic career. Let’s get off this bullshit and lets just do what we do best…crush ya damn little retarded clownfaced heart.
Joey takes another swig, and is disappointed that somehow his vodka is disappearing from within.
Joey: So what’s Gemini Battle been doing since the last time I’ve faced him? Well you’ve taken a turn for the fuckin stupid. You went from one of the richest men in the world, armies behind ya, power, women everywhere you turn and now? You’re taking orders from a fat fuckin piece of shit like Thomas Bates who doesn’t have brain cells to rub together while you ride about on your little motorcycle like a child. What happened to your life?
Lemme tell you, Joey Flash happened. I am the catalyst for your ruin Gemini, I’ve beaten you and I’ve thrashed you until you couldn’t live your life like you wanted, I’ve dissected you and pulled out your heart with my words and it made you re-asses everything that was going on in your life. Now look at you, you’re fucking pathetic.
The man who had it all, the man who could have done anything, seen anything. You could have lived on the fuckin moon if you wanted. Then Joey Flash happened and now you’re running jobs in the desert acting like a fuckin idiot and think that makes you a better person. All it makes you is a fucking disappointment, you’ve fucked your life up, nah fuck that, I’VE fucked your life up. I’ve ruined you Gemini, as much as you want to think that life is changing because of a revelation you’ve had or some ridiculous shit it’s the exact opposite. I’ve beaten your superiority into submission and freed the bitch within, welcome to the world.
This man is so delusional, so ridiculous right now it’s painful. He doesn’t even realise how he’s perceived by the crowd right now. He goes to sleep and hears three haunting words:
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
What does this mean to you Battle? Do you hear this as a lullaby of hatred? Are you deaf to the tones of irony? You’re the least feared person in the company; you’re the clown that comes on between the acts of importance, people aren’t chanting this out of respect, they aren’t chanting it out of love or hate. They are chanting this because they are fucking mocking you. You are not the next big villain, you are not the next big villain, you are just the poor sap who dances and juggles while the real talent is warming up behind the curtain. This week though the sad clown will make his final walk into the ring with the ringmaster to be whipped into submission once more.
The most hilarious thing about you clown, is that you think that you’ve had some great revelation that will somehow pull you up to the top tier of the federation. Do you realise how ridiculous you sound?
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
You stand oblivious and happy that you’re receiving any reaction at all. Let me lay out some horrible shit for you.
1) You were never worth shit in this federation
2) You were never worth shit in this life
3) You have been beaten, thrashed and crushed during every stage of your life
4) You for a fleeting second had everything…
5) …then you didn’t.
6) Now you ride about acting like Valentino Rossi with facepaint and think we are supposed to be impressed?
7) Your friends, your allies were all from your money, your friends and allies now are simply using you as fodder.
8) You are weak
9) You are pathetic
10) You are just another Joey Flash victim.
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
Those words have been in your mind for the past month now, following you everywhere you go. It is sad I’m having to do this to you, I’ve cracked your already fragile mind and now I’m going to fucking shatter it.
Joey licks his lips
Joey: The crowd will be shouting just one thing on Sunday.
‘JOEY PLEASE JUST STOP’
I’m going to crack you, I’m going to snap you, and I’m going to break you down to your very fucking core. I never want to see you in the ring with me again, I never want to witness your worthless whining, shitshow of promotional videos again and I never want to see that fucking ugly disfigured face anywhere near me again.
After we’re done, the only words you’re going to be hearing as you’re trying desperately to sleep to escape the reality I dish out on Sunday are the ones I’m going to whisper in your ear when I’ve beaten the fight, the hope and the life out of you.
‘Bow down to the King’
Joey takes another swig.
Joey: Fuck it, next cunt on deck. Thomas Uriel Bates. What up big man? Let’s get some shit out of the way really fast here. In the record books Thomas Bates holds a victory over Joseph Flash, this is true, this is fact, and this is undeniable. However ladies and gentlemen I beg thee, I beseech thee head to the WCF Network and find that match, where we see Joey Flash fighting off two monstrosities of competitors in the hell of all hells, a triple threat match. This valiant relatively small Italian hero tries his hardest, but somehow ends away from the ring while one of his opponents pins the other. What a sad tale, the poor small Italian never really had a chance did he? Cry for him Argentina.
In this match the other two protagonists were Thomas Uriel Bates and Gemini fucking Battle. So what do we have here? We have Thomas Bates not coming close to beating Joey Flash but if anything we have Gemini Battle’s pathetic self COSTING Joey Flash an important win on his record. Gemini and Bates probably had that shit planned, to add a rare ‘L’ to the record of yours truly. It’s pathetic how the pair of you conspired! I had an inkling back then you ruffians fixed the fight but now you are all buddy buddy patting each other on the back and sucking each other’s dicks in the desert. It’s fuckin saddening!
Let’s get it poppin, Bates, you’re a fuckin joke. Let’s get to the meat of the matter shall we? Your confidence comes from one simple name, Grime. You don’t base your confidence on being able to hang with Joey Flash from any other fuckin thing in this world, you base this shit on a pair of matches each of us had against said chump. So here we go. I lost to Grime, you defeated Grime.
The record books show A) A Thomas Bates victory over Joey Flash and B) Thomas Bates defeating the person who first beat Joey Flash. Wow this looks pretty conclusive doesn’t it?
Joey smiles.
Joey: You really have no idea about this shit do you Bates? Joey Flash vs Grime? Shit I took that match as light as any I’ve ever taken, I lost and what? See Bates you seem not to understand the shit that’s going on here. You are the Television Champion, you have defended the title what twice? See the Television Title is like no other in this company. Take a look, feast your eyes, I am the greatest Television Champion in history, fuck a John Gable.
Let me tell you how it goes Bates, it starts well, it starts happily, you defend it a few times and it starts to become a boon, you’re fighting every week, you’re in a title match, you’re in the public eye. Then you start having to defend against people who aren’t even fit to shine your shoes, the bottom of the bottom, two week rookies, three week rookies, do you know how fucking degrading that is? Since day one I was the best in the company, I knew it, the fans knew it and guess what happened? I took the Television Title; I dominated in such a consummate manner it was like I was the World Champion of the damn federation. The Television Title was for months the most sought after, the most respected title in the entire company. But like all such things, they come with a price. The price this thing has Tommy is that there is no room for progression, there is no upward movement, there is nothing beyond the Television Title, you are forced to fight every challenger no matter the circumstances. I defended this shit against anyone, in any scenario. Now I hear the little retarded speech you gave to Cairo and to Beckman, and right there it shows how naïve you are, how not ready for both this match and the main event you are.
‘I will lay all the titles at your feet’
No Thomas, you won’t, you’re not winning another Title in this federation. The Television Title is a fucking legacy in itself, and the way you are talking, are acting, it’s a spit in Gable’s face, it’s a spit in my face and I won’t allow it. I won’t allow it for one second; hold on folks, what’s this, Joey Flash taking a stand? Damn fucking right, this faggot Bates has size, strength and leadership but he’s got straight up shit for honour.
Joey laughs.
Joey: Ridiculous right? Thomas, it’s the end of the road for you. As I said, the TV Title was the greatest belt in the federation for months; I took on every comer and made every Television Title match mean something. Then I went and slept on Grime and now look what’s happened? That title now means absolutely shit, it’s gonna ping pong once more. You’re not a strong champion Thomas, you’re weak. You can barely keep a stable together; I control the greatest five talents in the company. There are levels to this. Week after week you are absorbing more worthless talent into your terrible ‘gang’ Gemini Battle, Mikey eXtreme, Jackson White…when can I expect to see BioWalker getting patched in you fucking joke?
People question Imperium? People should question Thomas Bates, you’re a fuckin coward, you teaming with Gemini is like me and Occy joining forces, you want all your rivals, you want anyone who could challenge for that Television Title at your beck and call, fuck me I even saw you’re going after Spencer Adams? The guy has been here what, two weeks? You think we don’t see what you’re doing? You’re culling all of your challengers before they can flourish. Fuck any more talking, fuck anymore bullshit, we’re about action.
Joey clears his throat.
Joey: Hey Television Title baby, how’ve you been, doing well?
He attempts another pitiful voice change, this time a squeaky ‘cute’ voice.
TV TITLE: I am sad.
Joey: Oh no why?
TV TITLE: I was so close to Grime’s crotch for a couple of weeks.
Joey: Jesus, that’s a fate worse than death.
TV TITLE: Now Thomas Bates wears me as a headband.
Joey: God, what disrespect.
TV TITLE: Daddy?
Joey: Yes child?
TV TITLE: Please take me back again, I miss you!
Joey drops all ridiculous pretenses.
Joey: Daddy’s home. See Bates you got this all fucked up, this ain’t heads or tails, cos you beat Grime doesn’t mean you beat me, this is rock paper scissors and I’ve got a fuckin super-duper nuclear weapon firing gun. You big as hell…but I’ll fuck you up.
I’m taking the Television Title from you, you don’t seem to understand the importance of the belt you have. This is the fuckin lifeblood of the federation that you possess, the new blood continues to pour in and held the federation survive, they all fight and they claw for that gold. It’s beautiful. Thomas Bates though? You’re already looking to drop that shit, you want to drop it at ICE’s feet and act like the big man. That is NOT how shit works.
I was the guardian of the federation, I was the gatekeeper, I was the protector of the realm that fell asleep regrettably on the job once and now lives every day regretting that fact. Well never again. You? You’re the guy looking up at the castle and wanting to leave your post for any fucker to take it while you try to climb upward. Well fuck you. I know some of the fans are feeling me for this; this title is coming back where it belongs. My pants have been needing a belt of such girth to hold them up for a coupla months now, you’re a disgrace Thomas. You’re putting the cart before the horse time and time again, you are a rookie, you are a newcomer.
This time in my career compared to you? I was 10-0; I had never even been touched in a fuckin ring. I’m so far beyond your capabilities it’s sickening, yet still I was happy and I was defending the belt you seem to view with such contempt. With you, the belt is a token and bargaining chip, with me the Television Title is the most prestigious, most sought after belt in the company. If for one second you’re ever looking to question the difference between us, there it fucking is you fat fucking oaf.
Joey downs the vodka and slumps down to the bed, almost tumbling off it. He giggles and smiles.
Joey: Last but certainly fuckin least Gonzo Murdock. I’ve shared the ring with this man once in my entire career here, it was a great time, I caved this fuckers head in and sent him out of action for months and months. I never thought he would return, I expected him to run away to turn tail and never appear here again. But wahoo man, here you are. Gonzo picked his balls up and waddled back into the WCF ring. Welcome back, shame you have to leave again so soon when I do the exact same fuckin thing to you at Slam.
So hello Gonzo, how am I gonna fuckin treat you here? I’ve gone honey glazed ham on these other two motherfuckers but how am I gonna treat you? I could either roast you with the ‘HA HA LET’S LAUGH FACE’ or fucking kill you with the ‘Don’t fuck with me’ face’.
Gonzo, don’t fuck with me. Don’t even try. Don’t even think about trying. Let me run through what I know about you as a wrestler, I know you for one thing, your ‘matches’ with Jay Omega. Fuck Omega, and fuck you, both of ya’ll trash…but you’re trash on a similar level. Every time this match has been set up, every time Gonzo Murdock and Jay Omega are meant to share a ring…you get fuckin killed. You must be sick of people talking about this by now…but you got fuckin bodied by Omega. It’s not even a close contest, this is the most one sided rivalry this side of me and Occulo. This is brutal man. I can’t believe the temerity of you to continue down the path knowing Omega is still out there, still crushing you and still dominating you with everything he says and does. Every word he speaks is a testament to how much of a bitch you are. This is where ‘LEVELS BITCH’ comes into play, cos I’m about two tiers above Omega and maybe like four above you ya fuckin goon.
I think I get you Gonzo, you’re the sort who can’t see the forest for the trees, you are treating this match as if it’s a walkover for your team, you’ve seen what ICE can bring, you’ve seen what ZMAC can bring, and you’ve fought both of em and lemme say well done for still being fuckin alive. But you have never fought Joey Flash.
This is where your ideals, where your ideas, where your whole world gets turned upside down. Joey Flash is someone you can just brush aside and treat like a punk? Wow, where’s your head at? Must be the same place as your foot.
Joey pulls the scrunch face.
Joey: Outta nowhere, here comes a fuckin roasting session. So, you’re a military man, you’ve fought for the county wow!
Joey smiles.
Joey: I had an opponent in my debut that did the same, Taz Taylor we hardly knew ye! But you, you, UMPH! You’re a special case, damn man, I’d say lets get drunk together, I’d worry about you getting too legless, but shit…I guess that happened already. How can you even HOPE to beat me you fuckin disabled idiot, how does a one footed man in an asskicking contest do? Dunno, ask Gonzo.
Your favourite film: Footloose.
Your most hated intimate activity: Foot massages.
Bitch I’m so tough I could give Marcellus Wallace’s wife a foot massage. You can’t fuck with me, ever. I’m a broken record with this shit. For someone so learned, so educated you sure tick the box of ‘Wisdom ain’t something you can learn’ cos George you’re a straight up fuckin idiot. You’re walking into this match with your pants down and bending over, did ya bring the lube? Of course you fuckin did. You’re walking right into the trap we’re laying out for you, the same trap that probably ripped ya fuckin foot away from you drags you back down again, the trap of ‘Being a naïve pathetic cunt’.
Joey smiles.
Joey: Am I taking you lightly Deuce? Yep. Could I go in on you more Deuce? Yep…okay then I will. You fuckin faggot, you think yourself as above everything, above everyone. You treat your intellectual prowess like it’s something that’s gonna help you in the centre of the ring. Let’s find out shall we?
I’m an expert in occupational therapy! *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you cope with being a fucking retard in the workplace.
I’m an expert in Zoology *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you cope with being a cowardly rat hiding away behind a fat piece of shit and a fuckin clown.
I’m an expert in Botany *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with that punch I PLANTED one on your fuckin jaw.
I’m an expert in culinary arts *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with that RIGHT HOOK YOU JUST ATE
I’m an expert in pharmaceuticals *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with some more morphine to help with the pain after Joey Flash has finished beating you down.
I’m an expert in medical sciences *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with uhhh, wutever fuckin gayass science you do. Like Bunsen burners and shit.
I’m an expert in electrical engineering *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you with that LIGHTNING BOLT that just hit ya bitch.
I’m an expert in theology *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you with deciding WHO’S YA FUCKIN GOD NOW?
I’m an expert in television production *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you by taking that Television Champion from Bates ya faggot.
I’m an expert in film *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by taking all your blood, sport! No Van Damme.
I’m an expert in literature *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me tell you that this is A Tale of Two Fists, both of which will smash into ya fuckin jaw.
I’m an expert in language *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by telling you that you are the most magnificent radged cunt I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.
I’m an expert in psychology sciences *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by telling you that you don’t need to harbour sexual feelings for your mother, I’ve already fucked her senseless.
I’m an expert in martial arts *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you by laughing in your face, countering whatever pitiful arsenal you have toward me and smashing a Sudden Flash right into the tip of your jaw and sending you prone to the floor for the 1, 2, 3.
Joey smiles even wider.
Joey: Wack at all trades, master of fuck all. Let’s compare, I’m amazing at one thing in this world, wrestling. I am a professional wrestler; I am the best professional wrestler in the world. You have all these life experiences, all these amazing talents and sure you’re an amazing guy, fuck I’d love to go to a bar with you and hear you tell ya fuckin stories. However this isn’t a story telling contest, this is nothing to do with how great of a man you are in life, it’s nothing to do with the sacrifices you’ve made or the things you’ve done to survive. It’s all about that time spent between those three ropes in the centre of the ring. So Murdock how are you feeling now? Are you feeling happy? Are you feeling confident?
This match is the type of shit you can't ever bypass. The Vapor Kings have had the single hardest bracket in Trios Cup history and still, still now we're reigning Imperious, it would be unbelievable if it wasn't true how dominant we've been. Let's cut the shit right now, Murdock you've severely underestimated us, and it's okay. I bet even now people probably underestimate us. The fact that we weren't favourites for the this tournament says it all about how fucking stupid you people are. It was an inevitability, it was a certainty we are in the final. The Vapor Kings are the greatest three man group in WCF history, with Orbit, they were contending, with Joey Flash? They're in a whole different stratosphere.
I feel sad that you Dark Riding Cunts came up against us here, I feel sad cos we couldn't humble you on the biggest stage possible. Fear not, we're going to give whichever version of Pantheon survive their match the beating that they're owed. I'm walking out of this match the Television Champion once more, unless Bates is the coward we think he is and sacrifices one of his team. This match was going to only ever go one way, you've done well, you've fought against it, you've clawed against it, you've tried and tried but now I'm hearing only your death rattle. This shit is done.
This shit is comprehensive.
This shit is bodybags all fucking day, Gemini? Bates? Murdock? Bodybags on deck. You're fucking finished.
The night was reaching its conclusion, and the same conclusion as most nights, Joey Flash was fucked up. He dropped the fourth of his pack of his chainsmoked ten minute binge of cigarettes on the pavement and pulled the pack out to indulge once more. He fumbled with his lighter for a moment before finally getting a spark and a light, he took a deep inhale. The cab he had ordered was late by over five minutes and Joey wasn’t the most patient person at the best of times. A drunk, tired and achy Joey Flash was even less so.
This was the first time he had let himself let his hair down for uhh, a week. The Mullins shit had made him extra vigilant about where he went around town and what he did recreationally down here south of the border. He deserved this shit though, once more a breath taking and hard fought war against his biggest rival at Slam. A match that managed to live up to its hype and more, Joey played about with the phone and began trying to find some shit to record him speaking, he had thought of lots of great ideas for a promotional video addressing his victory over The Sentinels that he would almost certainly forget during whatever little shuteye he was going to get. Joey pressed the record button and began to speak, as loud abrasive and drunk as one can get at 4am on a Mexico City street corner, so: pretty abrasive.
Joey: Hello, is this thing fuckin recording?
He observed the little sound bars dancing up and down with each word that came out of his mouth.
Joey: Aight fuckin cool. Right, uhh, so I’m just recording this shit so that in the morning Joe you’ll be able to put something fuckin worthwhile together and like do a video and some shit. I could probably do a video now but the lighting would be pretty shit and I’d probably end up saying some real offensive fuckin shit like call someone a spic or some shit, that’d be terrible for the Flash brand. So for now I’m just talkin, it’s a good fuckin technology this, these stupid faggots used to carry like Dictaphones and shit what the fuck? Who still has that shit, like I see these stupid reporters and shit clicking about with their fuckin cassette tapes, feel like slapping em and saying ‘THIS AINT THE 80’s BITCH’ fuckin idiots. Why carry extra shit around? Anyway fuck it what was I gonna say?
He pauses in thought for a moment.
Joey: Yeah, right.
Then smiles
Joey:
Joey Flash 3
Occulo 0
What do these numbers signify you may find yourself wondering…actually you probably won’t. I’ve stoved this guy’s face in three times, and three times I’ve defeated this mothafucka.
Joey Flash 2
Howard Black 0
Oh what’s this, another dominant head to head record?
Joey Flash 1
Dune 0
Damn shit not looking good for these Sentinels right now. Ya’ll might as well as call yourselves ‘Joey Flashes Bitches’, what justice can you protect when ya can’t even protect ya fuckin selves? This idiot Dune right here was so angered at our dominance and control in the match he callously and viciously attacked the defenceless and innocent Natural ICE Beckman with a steel chair, that shit was horrible. Such a violent attack, I wouldn’t even let my son watch the match afterward because of the ANIMAL that Dune is.
What’s up man, where was the higher ground you were talking about? You were babbling about that your entire promo, bitch you’re not Obi Wan and I ain’t motherfuckin Anakin, then you can’t even keep the higher ground morally and cost your team any chance of the win. Good going Goon, and to think you’re the number one contender, you’re laughable.
John, how’s it going? How does it feel to yet again be so utterly and thoroughly outmatched against Joey Flash in the ring once more? It’s getting to a point where any sane man would have to consider quitting, any boxer gets beaten by the same opponent three times and people would be pleading for them to retire. Personally I wanna see you retire cos you’re boring as hell, but you’re my number one favourite fuckin punchbag. Imperium has taken everything from you, your manhood, your status and your precious United States Title. You have nothing left of comfort in this world, a couple of rag tag faggots like Dune and Howie ain’t gonna stop you from crying at home…
Joey pauses
Joey: Which also rhymes with something else you’re going to have to deal with: DYING ALONE.
The cab has still not arrived and Joey is getting antsy.
Joey: Where the fuck is this thing, you know you expect shit to be punctual and on time and what happens? You get left at the roadside waiting like a fuckin idiot for a car that may or may not even turn up while you’re ranting and raving into a phone, does this sound like a good fuckin night to you? No of course it doesn’t Joe. Where was I?
Dune, did you accept my challenge I haven’t heard back? All I heard was a scared little faggot squeaking about some shit, I think I caught the words ‘Sorry’ and ‘I am scared’ in there somewhere. Just what I thought, ya fuckin mutt, I was giving you a way out of humiliation on the biggest stage of all…by giving you humiliation on a slightly smaller stage first. I’m a humanitarian and a scho-
Fucking finally!
Joey hit the ‘STOP’ on the screen of his phone, pocketed it and waved to the approaching taxi…which flew straight past him.
Joey: NO! Come back, I fucking ordered you!
The car disappears into the distance as a disconsolate Flash pulls his phone out once more, opens the app and hits ‘RECORD’.
Joey: Okay so these fuckin Mexicunts apparently employ either blind or fucking stupid Taxi drivers. So guess what, I’m talking to you again, remember to write a strong worded letter to ‘Cabron Cars’, fuck that shit, I’m dictating it.
To whom it may concern,
I am writing this mothafuckin letter, note to self, don’t include any fuckin swearwords when you write this shit. The Flash brand baby, the Flash brand. Also don’t say that, aight from now the letter begins.
I am writing this mothafuckin letter to express my disappointment at the service and lack of courtesy you cunts showed on Friday 15th of May 2015 when I booked a Taxi that was to pick me up on the corner of Avenida de los Insurg…
His strongly worded letter is cut very short when looks up to see a street sign hanging above him, brightly lit with the words ‘Avenida Álvaro Obregón’.
Joey: Wait a second here whoa whoa, this shit ain’t right, I didn’t order a fuckin cab to fuckin here, so why am I fuckin here?
The fact that the taxi he actually ordered had likely sped straight past him to the location he actually ordered it for finally dawned on the poor Mr Flash.
Joey: Oh fuck sake, why do I have to be in this shithole place with its gayass fuckin stupid street names, fuck you ya fuckin sign!
Joey kicks the post holding the sign, and regrets it immediately.
Joey: OW FUCK. Jesus Christ why did I fucking kick it? Right, Avenida Álvaro Obregón, Avenida Álvaro Obregón…wait why am I repeating it the sign is right fucking there?
Joey taps away at his phone once more, hits ‘STOP’ and finds the number for ‘Cabron Cars’ once more.
Cabron Dispatch: Hola! Cabron Cars!
Joey: Hello I’d like to book a Taxi please.
Cabron Dispatch: Where from?
Joey: Uhhh… Avenida Álvaro Obregón, I’m near a park or some shit.
Cabron Dispatch: Oh yes, we send car there now, what name please?
Joey: Flash.
Cabron Dispatch: Oh no no Flash!! We send car to you earlier, and you didn’t arrive, poor Erik was waiting nearly twenty minutes, you are trickster and liar, you are prank, we know your type, stupid American. No car for you!
The call is ended.
Joey: I am prank? I am fucking prank?! You motherfucker!
Joey hits redial.
Cabron Dispatch: Hola! Cabron Cars!
Joey pinches his nose and puts on a pathetic attempt at an Eastern European accent.
Joey: Hello I’d like to order a taxi please.
Cabron Dispatch: Where from?
Holy fuck this guy is buying it, cool.
Joey: Avenida Álvaro Obregón, I’m near a park.
Cabron Dispatch: You think I’m stupid? You just tried to order car to exact same location, Flash that is a terrible accent, what even is that you are even trying to do?
Joey (still in the accent): Ehhhh is Russian.
Cabron Dispatch: You admit you’re doing an accent?
Joey: Ehhh no, I want car.
Cabron Dispatch: I know it is you Flash, give up the act.
Joey finally slips out of his pitiful accent.
Joey: Look, I’m sorry about earlier, I got fuckin confused about streets and shit, can you please please please, send me a car. I’m lost and dunno where the fuck I am.
Cabron Dispatch: You don’t know where you are? That’s it! You say you are Avenida Álvaro Obregón near a park, now you say you don’t know, you are prank!
Joey: No no, I mean…look I really am at this place. Alvaro whatever, My name is Joey Flash and I wrestle for WCF…
Cabron Dispatch: Ahhh! My nephew three times removed Sin Rostro Jr used to wrestle there!
Joey: No shit? What’s the guy doing nowadays?
Cabron Dispatch: Yeah, he was supposed to be the guy picking you up first time Flash!
Joey: Damn, can I have him?
Cabron Dispatch: No.
Joey: Okay I don’t really care, just please soon.
Cabron Dispatch: Avenida Álvaro Obregón, Park, be with you soon Flash!!
Joey: Much thanks.
The long wait began again and the ten or so minutes went oddly fast until a heavily customised VW came round the corner with ‘Taxi’ emblazoned on a rooftop sign.
Taxicab Confessions
The back of the taxi smelt oddly like the crotch of Zombie McMorris...not that Joey had intimate knowledge of said crotch nor said smells or...crusty stains, not that there’s anything wrong with that. For some reason photographs were blu-tacked to the ceiling, had bent in the heat and were of the driver’s kids, and upon closer inspection, Joey was sure his daughter, who looked about 13, had a thick moustache and bore a close resemblance to every fuckin member of the Dark Riders Gang, all she needed was a shitty little leather jacket and a gaudy ridiculous patch.
The driver had actually gauged out the speedometer on the dashboard, and used it house a small rat. Which for some reason he was singing to before he even addressed Joey in the back.
Joey: Uh, hello?
The driver looked at Joey, stared at him for a few seconds, looked out the window and then back at Joey
Driver: Yes?
Joey: Do you know where you’re going?
Driver: Why, have you told me?
Joey: No...I just thought maybe you’d I dunno, ask?
Driver: I don’t ask you tell.
Joey: What? This isn’t some kind of Spetsnaz interrogation.
Driver: Tell!
Joey: Fine fucking, uhh, can we stop at a shop, I wanna get some more booze.
The driver pointed at the rat whilst staring dead into Joey’s eyes in silence. Joey looked at the rat and then at the driver.
Joey: What?!
Driver: You feed. Mary is out of food. Do you have food?
Joey: You’re not a fucking pet shop, you’re a Taxi driver, take me to a fucking shop, what is wrong with you?
Driver: We go to pet shop.
Joey: NO we don’t go to fucking pet shop; we go to shop shop, people shop.
Driver: People shop at pet shop for Mary rats. I get my Mary rat from Mother basement.
Joey: What the fuck is a Mary rat?
Driver looks at Joey incredulously and points at the docile rat.
Driver: Is Mary.
Joey stares into the desolate eyes of the poor rodent, sharing its pain of having to put up with this absolute imbecile.
Joey: Can we drive or not?
Driver: I can drive, it is my job. Can you?
Joey: Yes I can fucking drive.
Driver: Oh why you need me then?
Joey: I am drunk, I am tired, I don’t want to accidentally kill someone tonight, the way this is going it’s going to be a justified fucking homicide, TAKE ME TO A SHOP.
Driver: H’okay we go to shop now.
The driver finally gets this hunk of shit car rolling as we go all of ten seconds down the road.
Driver: Shop.
Joey peers out of the window to find a run-down dilapidated looking convenience store.
Joey: Yeah I’m not sure that-
Driver: Is shop.
Joey opens the door and steps out, unsure of whether he should just disappear into the night and sleep in a fuckin ditch somewhere rather than spend more time with this idiot. Joey opens the door to the shop with a *ding* and goes about his business picking up a small bottle of vodka. How kind that they are willing to serve him, he must have pulled off not looking drunk awesomely. He staggers back toward the taxi and opens the door plopping himself in the back seat.
Joey: Great, just a little question though…
Joey looks to his left to find an exceedingly obese man chomping away on a bag of chips sat next to him.
Fat Cunt: Hola!
Joey: Who the fuck is this guy?
The driver turns round to see Joey and the fat guy sat next to each other.
Driver: Is Pablo.
Joey: Pablo?
Tubby Bastard: Si, Pablo.
Joey: Well Pablo, do you care to get the fuck out?
Lard Lad: Que?
Joey strokes his temples before pulling the vodka out of his bag.
Joey: Just drive.
He cracks the cheap ass drink open and takes a swig, before offering some to Pablo.
Pablo: Ahh I dreenk.
Pablo necks about a third of the vodka before Flash rips it from his sausage fingers.
Joey: That’s quite enough.
Driver: Ehh meester American what chu doing here?
Joey: I’m here for business.
Driver: What business, you businessman yes? Look more like cheap restaurant owner.
The driver and Pablo share a hearty laugh.
Joey: I’m a…wrestler.
The two Mexicans share a silent glance.
Driver: Wrestling Championship…
Pablo: Federation?
Joey: YES! YES that’s me.
Both of the men study Joey more carefully until Pablo begins a fatter version of the truffle shuffle, his wiggling fat bumping against Joey like a tsunami smashing the coast of Japan.
Pablo: Jo Jo Joey Flash!!!!
Joey: Fuck.
Driver: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!
Joey: Double fuck. Look can I just go to my hote-
Driver: OH HO HOOOO!!!
Pablo: Joey Flash is worst, man why you beat Occulo, I bet on Occulo. Some guy said from future said Occulo would win why I lose money?
Joey: That guy cost me money same as you buddy, don’t take it out on fuckin me!
Driver: Calm calm! You win us money this week yes?
Joey: Look, it’s simple just BET ON JOEY FLASH and you win money what is so hard to understand about this philosophy, with this shit you would have won twenty times and only lost thrice, it’s not fuckin hard to understand.
Pablo: He is good advice.
Driver: I dunno mang, you don’t look too impressive to me, Pablo would beat you I think.
Joey: Pablo?
Joey looks at the fat mess next to him.
Joey: Fucking Pablo? He looks like someone who you take to the ice cream parlour, have a lovely day with, you order a Sundae, he orders the rest of the week.
The driver and Pablo begin laughing.
Pablo: Eh he he, he funny guy. You face Darkie Group, team of negro bikers!!!
Joey: I don’t think-
Pablo: Sure, kick their black asses. Stupid nig-
Joey: They’re white.
Driver: Liar! You are lie.
Pablo: Why they not White Riders then smart guy?
Joey: Cos Dark seems more menacing? How the fuck am I supposed to know?
Driver: Yes dark is more menacing, darkie sit in back of taxi I keep knife at ready for him to rob me. White Riders sounds like four eyed officeman on push bike.
Joey: Right. Can we go to my hotel yet?
Driver: What is hotel?
Joey: A place where you pay to sleep for a pre-arranged amount of time.
Driver: What is hotel?
Joey: Marriott.
Driver: Marry what?
Joey: Really, really you’re doing the ‘Classic “comedy” shtick where the foreign guy fails to understand the words I’m saying for so called “funny” consequences?’ No motherfucker listen, you’re taking me to the Marriott hotel, I will pay you money for this fuckin retarded trip and I will put this short blip on my otherwise amazing life out of my memory forever. Deal?
Driver: Que?
Joey: Really?
Driver: Ha ha! I keed I keed. H’okay we go chu hotel now.
Joey: Why did you suddenly get a fucking thicker accent?
Driver: Ehh, we go hotel.
The Neverending Shoot Part 2: Joey Eviscerates DRG.
It had been fifteen minutes since Joey had arrived back at his luxury suite, he begged and prayed that when he opened the door that a decapitated prostitute wasn’t waiting for him within. He was happy to see a clean, tidy room instead, how delightful. Joey sat up from his ten minute shut eye to finally bring himself back into the land of the living.
It was here, two more matches and Joey Flash would finally get what he is owed, what is deserved in this company, all his hard work, all his toil, all his efforts came for one simple goal, The World Championship. He was so close he could fuckin smell it. Joey sighed and set his phone up once more, this time on video. Fuck it, promo time. He pressed record.
Joey: Semi-finals of Trio’s cup. We are one step away from the pinnacle. Imperium are once step away from defeating whatever branch of Pantheon step in front of us, The Vapor Kings are one step away from solidifying themselves as the ultimate three man squad in WCF history, Joey Flash is one step away from sweeping the whole tournament and finally being able to take the fight to Pantheon personally.
Lemme address something a lil before we go any further. See we have a lot of short sighted small minded fans here in the WCF who clamour and demand for things to be put on their plate and spoon fed to them.
‘WHO DO I CHEER?’
‘WHO DO I BOO?’
‘WHAT T-SHIRT DO I BUY?’
Why are Imperium being so silent and so inactive since their formation, why are we not taking action? Why are we not asserting our dominance? Oh boys and girls you fail to understand our role here, we are not simply a bunch of savages who go out and act without reason, if you want that go see Thomas Bates and the Dark Riders Gang.
We sit above everything else in the WCF and step down when we’re needed. Shit I don’t often liken myself to a God…
He pauses for a moment.
Joey: Well whatever, point being. We don’t act; we have no need to act. If one of wants something done in the federation, we will take control of said scenario and control it, this week there is a little of Imperium business that requires us to be at odds. Shameful isn’t it, this will be painful for all involved.
Joey took a swig of his vodka.
Joey: Cairo, Kaz, Balfore, I’m sorry it has to come to this, Imperium vs Imperium. This is going to be the matchup everyone has wanted to see, six of the best wrestlers in the company squaring, this is the six man match everyone has wanted for months and months, and finally the stars have aligned and we’re going to give it to them. I understand guys, it’s going to be hard to come at me with all you have given how inspiring and kind of a leader I have been to you all but please, please listen. I demand you go full force, I demand you fight me with all you have. It’s the Imperium way.
Pantheon vs Pantheon
Imperium vs Imperium
It’s fuckin beautiful that such wonderful symmetry has managed to work itself out with this epic encounter…
Wait…
Joey puts on an over the top ‘thinking’ face.
Joey: Oh fuck, I’ve spent my time preparing for the superior team and now have to face these fucking spastic riders instead. Fuck…my…life.
Joey smiles.
Joey: Hello there! Hello WCF Universe, I’m here in my hotel preparing for the match against The Dark Riders Gang, The Defilers of Logic whatever the fuck these three idiots are calling themselves. As you can see I’m deep in preparation…
He takes a long swig of his vodka.
Joey: If it were against The Poondocks? Ya boy would be in the gym working right now, instead? Fuckin look at me. This is the contempt I have for you, this is the lack of respect I have for you. This is how absolutely fucking terrible the three of you are.
I’m drunk, I’m high and it’s the night before the fucking match, this is how terrible you are. Get this through your heads.
YOU…
FUCKING…
SUCK.
Period. Actually, not period, comma, you are three of the most boring, bland, generic, basic and rudimentary wrestlers to have ever thought themselves worthy of competing at a top level. I’m not fucking around with you losers this week, your souls are gonna burn from this ether I’m sending your way. This is that career ending shit, the soul destroying shit, the suicide inducing shit. I’ll start my work tonight and end it in the ring on Sunday.
So let’s get to it, three fuckin losers against three of the best wrestlers in the entire history of the WCF’s illustrious history. How does this one work out? I dunno, let’s do the simulation on WCF 2k15, I’m sure one of you three nerds have that on ya fuckin computers and shit, sim the match out, see how many different ways the Vapor Kings stop ya fuckin heads in.
I’m deading this shit, I’m deading it right now. See the way we have seen Bates, Battle and Murdock talk over the past coupla weeks it almost seems like these people think they have a chance. Isn’t it just heartbreaking? You people man, I swear, you jumped up losers think that what? This Trios cup is gonna somehow springboard you toward great things? You think you’re going to walk all the way to the final, win that and then one of you go on to challenge for the World Title? This is madness.
You guys are the very definition of mediocre.
mediocre
Pronounced: dark-ri-ders-gang
adjective
examples;
1. Thomas Uriel Bates
2. Gemini Battle
3. Gonzo Murdock
I’ve seen you week after week after week. You people think that you’re on our level? It’s not just talk it’s fuckin straight up delusion. Let’s get to the Elephant in the room, no I don’t have TUB’s old lady in the bed behind me, I’m talkin about the match last week.
Joey claps.
Joey: Hey well done guys, you’ve done really well. It’s common knowledge after the match that the Poondock Saints were heinously ROBBED by the circumstances. Did you know Bobby Cairo only got seven hours sleep before your match? He needs at least eight to be able to perform at full strength.
*that’s one asterisk.
Poor Kaz Mazy, he was wearing the incorrect socks for his match, he prefers a cusiony almost bed sock and yet the athletic commission in this dastardly land wouldn’t even provide him with that.
**that’s the second asterisk.
Odin Balfore? This poor gentleman had a family emergency that very day, his second cousin once removed’s hamster perished in a brutal lawnmower related accident.
***that’s the third asterisk.
You people shouldn’t even be called The Defilers of Logic, you should be the Opportunity Takers of Encumbered Superior Fighters. It’s sickening how you’re claiming victory after that, I’d be ashamed to even raise my head and acknowledge victory in such horrific circumstances. Please ladies and gentlemen I would like your prayers to go toward The Poondock Saints in their time of trouble.
To donate to the ‘Poondock Protection Fund’ please donate on PayPal to: JOEYFLASHCONSGULLIBLEIDIOTS@gmail.com, a minimum of $10 thank you, kind souls.
So be it, you won the match. Damn you sure foiled my plans, you sure showed that dastardly Joey Flash. BZZZT fuckin wrong. Wanna know what you imbeciles did instead? You’ve done walked straight into a fuckin deathtrap. Congratulations on completing the Imperium challenge on easy mode, now you’re skipping Normal, Hard, Very Hard and INSANE! and shooting straight for ‘Beastmode’.
Joey shakes his head, his hair flopping in front of his face.
Joey: Truly illogical, Spock’s head would fuckin explode at the very thought of you guys. I can hear you guys watching this shit already, your fresh, happy, eager faces becoming drawn and pale with fear the second my dulcet tones start blasting from the speakers. So yeah, guess what, I’m taking you light, wanna know MY logic?
In every matchup we would have against you guys 1v1 we would be favourites, fuck the past, fuck worthless random victories, this is the big leagues now boys.
Zombie McMorris crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
Natural ICE Beckman crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
Joey Flash crushes you all, no if ands or buts.
B-bbbut Gemini beat ZMAC and Thomas holds a win of Jo- shut the fuck up. That was light work, that was bullshit with nothing on the line, taking you light don’t mean I ain’t taking you serious. You wanna know how serious this match is for me? This is that you gotta kill me to beat me type shit, you couldn’t even harm a hair on my pretty little head.
What the fuck, I’ve damn near killed these fools and I ain’t even started cookin yet.
Joey takes another swig and holds a finger up to the camera before disappearing; we hear the sound of urine slamming into the toilet bowl…then the plastic seat…then the floor. Joey emerges with a smile on his face and zips up.
I know what you people want, say it with me now, say it with me. Without further ado, let’s get straight to the mothafuckin bodybags.
GEMINI BATTLE, BODYBAG.
THOMAS URIEL BATES, BODYBAG.
GONZO MURDOCK I’M GONNA PUT YOUR BODYBAG IN A BODYBAG.
Joey smiles.
Joey: I have being feeling sad of late, it’s like something has been missing from my life. You people know that feeling right? When you wake up on a morning and it just feels like something just…isn’t right with the world. That feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror that makes you feel hollow and you don’t know why. Like you’re drifting down the endless stream of life without a place or purpose, that there is just something that is holding you back, almost like an amputee still feels their phantom limb ya know?
Oh I know now! I haven’t faced Gemini Battle in about a month!
Fuck fucking sake. Why when I think I’ve finally deaded you for good and gotten rid of your wack ass do you always seem to re-appear? You’re that villain in every shitty film that the hero beats the fuck out of every time; they fail every time and then just get turned into comic relief. That’s what you are to me, you’re worse than Occulo, you’re the comic relief enemy to my great story. You’re the type of guy to think that this is some amazing rivalry people will write about for years to come, people will sing the song of when Joey Flash and Gemini Battle fought in the WCF ring, when this match was the one the most emotion filled contest that could ever be brought to light. For you this is the biggest match you have ever had in your life, finally redemption over Joey Flash, for me? It’s a boring weekend in May.
This is not an amazing rivalry; this is not even a close contest. This is a fucking one sided annihilation, this is a Bulldog pup against a fuckin Bullpup rifle. Never once have I ever considered you on my level, never once have I considered you a threat. You are nothing to me; you are a blemish on my record, not because I’ve ever come close to losing to you but because to have faced you so many times it makes it seem like I have struggled with you in any of our matches. Let’s make it clear now to anyone who hasn’t seen the pair of us fight before, it has not been close, it has not even been remotely close, it has been a landslide, a fuckin whitewash. You’re like a fuckin retarded lab rat that whenever it goes to feed it gets an electric shock, but this case you just don’t learn you just keep fuckin coming back for more.
Well Joey Flash is here and Joey Flash is ready to deliver the deathblow to your pathetic career. Let’s get off this bullshit and lets just do what we do best…crush ya damn little retarded clownfaced heart.
Joey takes another swig, and is disappointed that somehow his vodka is disappearing from within.
Joey: So what’s Gemini Battle been doing since the last time I’ve faced him? Well you’ve taken a turn for the fuckin stupid. You went from one of the richest men in the world, armies behind ya, power, women everywhere you turn and now? You’re taking orders from a fat fuckin piece of shit like Thomas Bates who doesn’t have brain cells to rub together while you ride about on your little motorcycle like a child. What happened to your life?
Lemme tell you, Joey Flash happened. I am the catalyst for your ruin Gemini, I’ve beaten you and I’ve thrashed you until you couldn’t live your life like you wanted, I’ve dissected you and pulled out your heart with my words and it made you re-asses everything that was going on in your life. Now look at you, you’re fucking pathetic.
The man who had it all, the man who could have done anything, seen anything. You could have lived on the fuckin moon if you wanted. Then Joey Flash happened and now you’re running jobs in the desert acting like a fuckin idiot and think that makes you a better person. All it makes you is a fucking disappointment, you’ve fucked your life up, nah fuck that, I’VE fucked your life up. I’ve ruined you Gemini, as much as you want to think that life is changing because of a revelation you’ve had or some ridiculous shit it’s the exact opposite. I’ve beaten your superiority into submission and freed the bitch within, welcome to the world.
This man is so delusional, so ridiculous right now it’s painful. He doesn’t even realise how he’s perceived by the crowd right now. He goes to sleep and hears three haunting words:
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
What does this mean to you Battle? Do you hear this as a lullaby of hatred? Are you deaf to the tones of irony? You’re the least feared person in the company; you’re the clown that comes on between the acts of importance, people aren’t chanting this out of respect, they aren’t chanting it out of love or hate. They are chanting this because they are fucking mocking you. You are not the next big villain, you are not the next big villain, you are just the poor sap who dances and juggles while the real talent is warming up behind the curtain. This week though the sad clown will make his final walk into the ring with the ringmaster to be whipped into submission once more.
The most hilarious thing about you clown, is that you think that you’ve had some great revelation that will somehow pull you up to the top tier of the federation. Do you realise how ridiculous you sound?
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
You stand oblivious and happy that you’re receiving any reaction at all. Let me lay out some horrible shit for you.
1) You were never worth shit in this federation
2) You were never worth shit in this life
3) You have been beaten, thrashed and crushed during every stage of your life
4) You for a fleeting second had everything…
5) …then you didn’t.
6) Now you ride about acting like Valentino Rossi with facepaint and think we are supposed to be impressed?
7) Your friends, your allies were all from your money, your friends and allies now are simply using you as fodder.
8) You are weak
9) You are pathetic
10) You are just another Joey Flash victim.
‘We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini…We Fear Gemini’
Those words have been in your mind for the past month now, following you everywhere you go. It is sad I’m having to do this to you, I’ve cracked your already fragile mind and now I’m going to fucking shatter it.
Joey licks his lips
Joey: The crowd will be shouting just one thing on Sunday.
‘JOEY PLEASE JUST STOP’
I’m going to crack you, I’m going to snap you, and I’m going to break you down to your very fucking core. I never want to see you in the ring with me again, I never want to witness your worthless whining, shitshow of promotional videos again and I never want to see that fucking ugly disfigured face anywhere near me again.
After we’re done, the only words you’re going to be hearing as you’re trying desperately to sleep to escape the reality I dish out on Sunday are the ones I’m going to whisper in your ear when I’ve beaten the fight, the hope and the life out of you.
‘Bow down to the King’
Joey takes another swig.
Joey: Fuck it, next cunt on deck. Thomas Uriel Bates. What up big man? Let’s get some shit out of the way really fast here. In the record books Thomas Bates holds a victory over Joseph Flash, this is true, this is fact, and this is undeniable. However ladies and gentlemen I beg thee, I beseech thee head to the WCF Network and find that match, where we see Joey Flash fighting off two monstrosities of competitors in the hell of all hells, a triple threat match. This valiant relatively small Italian hero tries his hardest, but somehow ends away from the ring while one of his opponents pins the other. What a sad tale, the poor small Italian never really had a chance did he? Cry for him Argentina.
In this match the other two protagonists were Thomas Uriel Bates and Gemini fucking Battle. So what do we have here? We have Thomas Bates not coming close to beating Joey Flash but if anything we have Gemini Battle’s pathetic self COSTING Joey Flash an important win on his record. Gemini and Bates probably had that shit planned, to add a rare ‘L’ to the record of yours truly. It’s pathetic how the pair of you conspired! I had an inkling back then you ruffians fixed the fight but now you are all buddy buddy patting each other on the back and sucking each other’s dicks in the desert. It’s fuckin saddening!
Let’s get it poppin, Bates, you’re a fuckin joke. Let’s get to the meat of the matter shall we? Your confidence comes from one simple name, Grime. You don’t base your confidence on being able to hang with Joey Flash from any other fuckin thing in this world, you base this shit on a pair of matches each of us had against said chump. So here we go. I lost to Grime, you defeated Grime.
The record books show A) A Thomas Bates victory over Joey Flash and B) Thomas Bates defeating the person who first beat Joey Flash. Wow this looks pretty conclusive doesn’t it?
Joey smiles.
Joey: You really have no idea about this shit do you Bates? Joey Flash vs Grime? Shit I took that match as light as any I’ve ever taken, I lost and what? See Bates you seem not to understand the shit that’s going on here. You are the Television Champion, you have defended the title what twice? See the Television Title is like no other in this company. Take a look, feast your eyes, I am the greatest Television Champion in history, fuck a John Gable.
Let me tell you how it goes Bates, it starts well, it starts happily, you defend it a few times and it starts to become a boon, you’re fighting every week, you’re in a title match, you’re in the public eye. Then you start having to defend against people who aren’t even fit to shine your shoes, the bottom of the bottom, two week rookies, three week rookies, do you know how fucking degrading that is? Since day one I was the best in the company, I knew it, the fans knew it and guess what happened? I took the Television Title; I dominated in such a consummate manner it was like I was the World Champion of the damn federation. The Television Title was for months the most sought after, the most respected title in the entire company. But like all such things, they come with a price. The price this thing has Tommy is that there is no room for progression, there is no upward movement, there is nothing beyond the Television Title, you are forced to fight every challenger no matter the circumstances. I defended this shit against anyone, in any scenario. Now I hear the little retarded speech you gave to Cairo and to Beckman, and right there it shows how naïve you are, how not ready for both this match and the main event you are.
‘I will lay all the titles at your feet’
No Thomas, you won’t, you’re not winning another Title in this federation. The Television Title is a fucking legacy in itself, and the way you are talking, are acting, it’s a spit in Gable’s face, it’s a spit in my face and I won’t allow it. I won’t allow it for one second; hold on folks, what’s this, Joey Flash taking a stand? Damn fucking right, this faggot Bates has size, strength and leadership but he’s got straight up shit for honour.
Joey laughs.
Joey: Ridiculous right? Thomas, it’s the end of the road for you. As I said, the TV Title was the greatest belt in the federation for months; I took on every comer and made every Television Title match mean something. Then I went and slept on Grime and now look what’s happened? That title now means absolutely shit, it’s gonna ping pong once more. You’re not a strong champion Thomas, you’re weak. You can barely keep a stable together; I control the greatest five talents in the company. There are levels to this. Week after week you are absorbing more worthless talent into your terrible ‘gang’ Gemini Battle, Mikey eXtreme, Jackson White…when can I expect to see BioWalker getting patched in you fucking joke?
People question Imperium? People should question Thomas Bates, you’re a fuckin coward, you teaming with Gemini is like me and Occy joining forces, you want all your rivals, you want anyone who could challenge for that Television Title at your beck and call, fuck me I even saw you’re going after Spencer Adams? The guy has been here what, two weeks? You think we don’t see what you’re doing? You’re culling all of your challengers before they can flourish. Fuck any more talking, fuck anymore bullshit, we’re about action.
Joey clears his throat.
Joey: Hey Television Title baby, how’ve you been, doing well?
He attempts another pitiful voice change, this time a squeaky ‘cute’ voice.
TV TITLE: I am sad.
Joey: Oh no why?
TV TITLE: I was so close to Grime’s crotch for a couple of weeks.
Joey: Jesus, that’s a fate worse than death.
TV TITLE: Now Thomas Bates wears me as a headband.
Joey: God, what disrespect.
TV TITLE: Daddy?
Joey: Yes child?
TV TITLE: Please take me back again, I miss you!
Joey drops all ridiculous pretenses.
Joey: Daddy’s home. See Bates you got this all fucked up, this ain’t heads or tails, cos you beat Grime doesn’t mean you beat me, this is rock paper scissors and I’ve got a fuckin super-duper nuclear weapon firing gun. You big as hell…but I’ll fuck you up.
I’m taking the Television Title from you, you don’t seem to understand the importance of the belt you have. This is the fuckin lifeblood of the federation that you possess, the new blood continues to pour in and held the federation survive, they all fight and they claw for that gold. It’s beautiful. Thomas Bates though? You’re already looking to drop that shit, you want to drop it at ICE’s feet and act like the big man. That is NOT how shit works.
I was the guardian of the federation, I was the gatekeeper, I was the protector of the realm that fell asleep regrettably on the job once and now lives every day regretting that fact. Well never again. You? You’re the guy looking up at the castle and wanting to leave your post for any fucker to take it while you try to climb upward. Well fuck you. I know some of the fans are feeling me for this; this title is coming back where it belongs. My pants have been needing a belt of such girth to hold them up for a coupla months now, you’re a disgrace Thomas. You’re putting the cart before the horse time and time again, you are a rookie, you are a newcomer.
This time in my career compared to you? I was 10-0; I had never even been touched in a fuckin ring. I’m so far beyond your capabilities it’s sickening, yet still I was happy and I was defending the belt you seem to view with such contempt. With you, the belt is a token and bargaining chip, with me the Television Title is the most prestigious, most sought after belt in the company. If for one second you’re ever looking to question the difference between us, there it fucking is you fat fucking oaf.
Joey downs the vodka and slumps down to the bed, almost tumbling off it. He giggles and smiles.
Joey: Last but certainly fuckin least Gonzo Murdock. I’ve shared the ring with this man once in my entire career here, it was a great time, I caved this fuckers head in and sent him out of action for months and months. I never thought he would return, I expected him to run away to turn tail and never appear here again. But wahoo man, here you are. Gonzo picked his balls up and waddled back into the WCF ring. Welcome back, shame you have to leave again so soon when I do the exact same fuckin thing to you at Slam.
So hello Gonzo, how am I gonna fuckin treat you here? I’ve gone honey glazed ham on these other two motherfuckers but how am I gonna treat you? I could either roast you with the ‘HA HA LET’S LAUGH FACE’ or fucking kill you with the ‘Don’t fuck with me’ face’.
Gonzo, don’t fuck with me. Don’t even try. Don’t even think about trying. Let me run through what I know about you as a wrestler, I know you for one thing, your ‘matches’ with Jay Omega. Fuck Omega, and fuck you, both of ya’ll trash…but you’re trash on a similar level. Every time this match has been set up, every time Gonzo Murdock and Jay Omega are meant to share a ring…you get fuckin killed. You must be sick of people talking about this by now…but you got fuckin bodied by Omega. It’s not even a close contest, this is the most one sided rivalry this side of me and Occulo. This is brutal man. I can’t believe the temerity of you to continue down the path knowing Omega is still out there, still crushing you and still dominating you with everything he says and does. Every word he speaks is a testament to how much of a bitch you are. This is where ‘LEVELS BITCH’ comes into play, cos I’m about two tiers above Omega and maybe like four above you ya fuckin goon.
I think I get you Gonzo, you’re the sort who can’t see the forest for the trees, you are treating this match as if it’s a walkover for your team, you’ve seen what ICE can bring, you’ve seen what ZMAC can bring, and you’ve fought both of em and lemme say well done for still being fuckin alive. But you have never fought Joey Flash.
This is where your ideals, where your ideas, where your whole world gets turned upside down. Joey Flash is someone you can just brush aside and treat like a punk? Wow, where’s your head at? Must be the same place as your foot.
Joey pulls the scrunch face.
Joey: Outta nowhere, here comes a fuckin roasting session. So, you’re a military man, you’ve fought for the county wow!
Joey smiles.
Joey: I had an opponent in my debut that did the same, Taz Taylor we hardly knew ye! But you, you, UMPH! You’re a special case, damn man, I’d say lets get drunk together, I’d worry about you getting too legless, but shit…I guess that happened already. How can you even HOPE to beat me you fuckin disabled idiot, how does a one footed man in an asskicking contest do? Dunno, ask Gonzo.
Your favourite film: Footloose.
Your most hated intimate activity: Foot massages.
Bitch I’m so tough I could give Marcellus Wallace’s wife a foot massage. You can’t fuck with me, ever. I’m a broken record with this shit. For someone so learned, so educated you sure tick the box of ‘Wisdom ain’t something you can learn’ cos George you’re a straight up fuckin idiot. You’re walking into this match with your pants down and bending over, did ya bring the lube? Of course you fuckin did. You’re walking right into the trap we’re laying out for you, the same trap that probably ripped ya fuckin foot away from you drags you back down again, the trap of ‘Being a naïve pathetic cunt’.
Joey smiles.
Joey: Am I taking you lightly Deuce? Yep. Could I go in on you more Deuce? Yep…okay then I will. You fuckin faggot, you think yourself as above everything, above everyone. You treat your intellectual prowess like it’s something that’s gonna help you in the centre of the ring. Let’s find out shall we?
I’m an expert in occupational therapy! *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you cope with being a fucking retard in the workplace.
I’m an expert in Zoology *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you cope with being a cowardly rat hiding away behind a fat piece of shit and a fuckin clown.
I’m an expert in Botany *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with that punch I PLANTED one on your fuckin jaw.
I’m an expert in culinary arts *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with that RIGHT HOOK YOU JUST ATE
I’m an expert in pharmaceuticals *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with some more morphine to help with the pain after Joey Flash has finished beating you down.
I’m an expert in medical sciences *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help with uhhh, wutever fuckin gayass science you do. Like Bunsen burners and shit.
I’m an expert in electrical engineering *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you with that LIGHTNING BOLT that just hit ya bitch.
I’m an expert in theology *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you with deciding WHO’S YA FUCKIN GOD NOW?
I’m an expert in television production *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you by taking that Television Champion from Bates ya faggot.
I’m an expert in film *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by taking all your blood, sport! No Van Damme.
I’m an expert in literature *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me tell you that this is A Tale of Two Fists, both of which will smash into ya fuckin jaw.
I’m an expert in language *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by telling you that you are the most magnificent radged cunt I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.
I’m an expert in psychology sciences *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help by telling you that you don’t need to harbour sexual feelings for your mother, I’ve already fucked her senseless.
I’m an expert in martial arts *PUNCH TO THE FUCKING FACE* Let me help you by laughing in your face, countering whatever pitiful arsenal you have toward me and smashing a Sudden Flash right into the tip of your jaw and sending you prone to the floor for the 1, 2, 3.
Joey smiles even wider.
Joey: Wack at all trades, master of fuck all. Let’s compare, I’m amazing at one thing in this world, wrestling. I am a professional wrestler; I am the best professional wrestler in the world. You have all these life experiences, all these amazing talents and sure you’re an amazing guy, fuck I’d love to go to a bar with you and hear you tell ya fuckin stories. However this isn’t a story telling contest, this is nothing to do with how great of a man you are in life, it’s nothing to do with the sacrifices you’ve made or the things you’ve done to survive. It’s all about that time spent between those three ropes in the centre of the ring. So Murdock how are you feeling now? Are you feeling happy? Are you feeling confident?
This match is the type of shit you can't ever bypass. The Vapor Kings have had the single hardest bracket in Trios Cup history and still, still now we're reigning Imperious, it would be unbelievable if it wasn't true how dominant we've been. Let's cut the shit right now, Murdock you've severely underestimated us, and it's okay. I bet even now people probably underestimate us. The fact that we weren't favourites for the this tournament says it all about how fucking stupid you people are. It was an inevitability, it was a certainty we are in the final. The Vapor Kings are the greatest three man group in WCF history, with Orbit, they were contending, with Joey Flash? They're in a whole different stratosphere.
I feel sad that you Dark Riding Cunts came up against us here, I feel sad cos we couldn't humble you on the biggest stage possible. Fear not, we're going to give whichever version of Pantheon survive their match the beating that they're owed. I'm walking out of this match the Television Champion once more, unless Bates is the coward we think he is and sacrifices one of his team. This match was going to only ever go one way, you've done well, you've fought against it, you've clawed against it, you've tried and tried but now I'm hearing only your death rattle. This shit is done.
This shit is comprehensive.
This shit is bodybags all fucking day, Gemini? Bates? Murdock? Bodybags on deck. You're fucking finished.
