Help The New Guy Out (Yes, I Am Trying To Guilt You Into It)
Apr 12, 2015 18:26:45 GMT -5
Kaz and florianstark like this
Post by Joey Flash on Apr 12, 2015 18:26:45 GMT -5
Okay, I finally got round to reading it properly (as I wanted to address it in my own RP), and whilst it has been some years since I was actively RP'ing until recently, I will try to approach mine from a more literary angle if I am able, as I am more familiar with books and literary analysis than I am with wrestling roleplays at the moment.
So I think that the main problem going in to the RP here is focus. Where do you want your character to go, what do you want him to be, and how will he react to the world that you are going to create around him? These are pretty important early questions, and like Odin said, we do get a lot more about the wall, punching bag, and other objects, than we do about how Zione thinks. Of course, the setting of the 'punching bag' allows a direction in narrative with I think is quite important, especially for the establishment of a new character, but the focus was too much on the background, not enough on his hopes, dreams, thoughts, and feelings. Basically, show us, don't tell us. For example, when you discuss the sweat dripping off, you could get away with just one line where you say (This isnt necessarily better, but it is more direct...)
"His body glistened as his ferocious training routine pushed his pure determination to its limits"
Basically, you show us with language that he is sweating and he's giving it his all. I think an important lesson I have learned recently - and I don't always do it, simply because my writing style is quite verbose and lengthy - but you should cut words constantly, edit, proof, and cut words. Mark Twain is credited with the following quote that I find to be quite apt...
"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
The point of which is that words that you can deem to be superflous should be cut! It is very hard to get rid of things that you write (and not always simple to have a proof-reader for your work), but generally the work is the better for being made concise and succinct.
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My next point would be regarding how believable your character is. I'm aware that wrestling RP's do deviate quite significantly from the realm of reality, but it still should be consistent if you want it to be good. You can be the best skier, boxer, wrestler, from wherever, but you're going to start running in to trouble if it feels like you've just thrown in "I'm the best!" for no reason other than to say you are the best. This career in boxing that Zione had doesn't seem to serve much point here for me, because your character seems to have this insatiable hunger that has not yet be satisfied. Of course, your direction is up to you, but it didn't seem to flow naturally with how successful he had been, and yet he felt the need to never stop, be relentless, and come to another sport without having actually reached the upper echelon of the boxing world.
I sometimes make a few notes as I re-read my RP's (less so this week as been crazy busy, but I did make a plan and an overview of some key attributes that my character has). These can be things like consistency, entertainment, and interest. We all want to write larger-than-life characters, to varying degrees, but for me, the internal consistency of the piece is crucial in getting over aspects of your character. Like Odin stated before, the school routine vs boxing routine thing was a bit of a plot-hole for me, because it didn't make sense internally for this guy to love routine in the gym every day, but hate routine in school because of it being every day. I was also irked by the 'prodigy' thing, but mostly because I find it too easy to write a super-awesome character that is just super-awesome at everything, it is much harder to write a believable character who is still kinda-awesome, without all those tags of 'genius' or 'best boxer ever'.
There was a lot of raw potential here, there really was, and I liked the actual promo about the match you did at the end of your RP and how you addressed people in the match - even though all of us are unknown commodities. You put people down, you gave me fuel for my RP to respond to (which is generally the point of banter/trash talking, if you paint your opponent in to a corner the story suffers (usually), whereas if you give them enough rope to pull on, it can make for good back and for). I would like to see more of an approach where you prove you are going to win rather than just laying the foundations for an assumption that you should win based on you telling us that you should. Put yourself over the other people, talk them down, get personal, but whatever you do make sure you are always staying on point.
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It has been a long day, so I hope I didn't ramble too much in there (ironyyy), and I hope that you can take something useful from this and use it to become better and better.