Post by Grime on Mar 23, 2015 23:04:30 GMT -5
Monday, March 23, 2015
Jeff Dunham: Not Playing With a Full Deck
Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada.
Time: 8:30pm Pacific
Dunham is on stage with Peanut in his final act for the night between shows.
Dunham: Last week Peanut and I watched some Wrestling Championship Federation wrestling.
Peanut: Yes. And we watched it the week before, too.
Dunham: Sure did. It’s become a weekly thing. Who turned us onto it?
Peanut: Bubba J. One day we come into the room after I got done making a Jalapeno sandwich for Josie, and Bubba J was drinking a beer and watching a show called Spam.
Dunham: Slam.
Peanut: What?
Dunham: Slam.
Peanut: What?
Dunham: Slam!
Peanut: Why are you yelling at me???
Dunham: It’s the show we watched, Peanut. Slam.
Peanut: What’s that?
Dunham: It’s what Wrestling Championship Federation calls their weekly show.
Peanut: Oh, they should call it Wrestling Championship Federation Kicked His Ass and Got the Girl.
Dunham: What?
Peanut: KICKED HIS ASS AND GOT THE GIRL!!!
Dunham: Stop yelling.
Peanut: But, you’re hard of hearing.
Dunham: I am not hard of hearing.
Peanut: Yes you are. You said, “what?’
Dunham: You said what…
Peanut: Did not!
Dunham: Yes you did.
Peanut: No.
Dunham: Yes.
Peanut: No.
Dunham: Yes.
Peanut: No! I didn’t say what! You said what!
Peanut looks at Dunham and attempts to intimidate by getting up in his face.
Peanut: You said what…
Dunham pushes Peanut away.
Dunham: Okay, fine. So what’d you think?
Peanut: About what?
Dunham: The show.
Peanut: Oh right, Spam.
Dunham: Slam.
Peanut: Right. Slam. The first week it was strange. Never saw that stuff before. There were guys jumping and climbing around like they’re in a playground, touching each other in places I wouldn’t want my hand to adventure in.
Dunham: Yeah, I agree. So then what happened?
Peanut: Then we saw some girl. Her name was Katherine Phoenix!
Peanut emphasizes Katherine Phoenix name with a hard nod.
Dunham: Yeah, what’d you think of her?
Peanut: She was hottttah.
Dunham: Yeah she was…
Peanut: Then there was that scary freak guy that went bashing everyone’s head in with a chair.
Dunham: Yeah, do you remember his name?
Peanut: Yes. His name was Double Penetration.
Dunham: What?! No, Peanut. It was The Dark Prince.
Peanut: Oh, right. Dark Prince. That was a strange one. After he got done hitting everybody with chairs he went away. The next time you see him he almost kissed the girl. That’s why it should be called ‘Kicked His Ass and Got the Girl’. But, in his case it would be ‘Kicked Four Asses and Got Cold Feet’.
Dunham: Because he walked away?
Peanut: Yeah, we learned his secret. Didn’t we?
Dunham: What secret is that?
Peanut: He’s gay.
The crowd laughs as Peanut laughs and bounces around. Dunham looks at Peanut. Peanut looks back and gets in his face again, and Dunham pushes him away.
Dunham: How do you know that he’s gay?
Peanut: I don’t but you should be able to figure it out. You drive a light blue Prius.
Dunham: I am not gay.
Peanut: That’s not what your ex-wife said.
Peanut laughs again, this time laughs so hard he has to gasp for air.
Dunham: There was another match that night, a title match. What’d you think?
Peanut: Grime against Doc Henry.
Dunham: Yes.
Peanut: Dirty and Kinky…
Dunham: What?! How was it dirty and kinky?
Peanut: It’s basically a hippie drunk guy trying to show love and play doctor with another man.
Dunham: What? I don’t think Doc Henry is a hippie.
Peanut: He had long hair. When I looked him up he likes to drink a lot of beer. What’s to say he doesn’t like to smoke pot?
Dunham: Stop…He is not a drunk hippie doctor. Grime was defending his title, right?
Peanut: Yeah. A leather strap with gold plates and that looked pretty dirty, too.
Dunham: Yeah. Had some stains on it.
Peanut: Yeah, needed a good bath.
Dunham: How do you give a title a bath?
Peanut: I don’t know, but it needs one. I was disappointed in that one.
Dunham: Why’s that?
Peanut: I thought it was going to be guys wrestling on a TV. A bunch of guys fighting on some TV would be funny as hell. I heard WCF TV Championship and I was looking for a TV the whole time. I thought they’d be fighting on a TV or at least for a big flat screen.
Dunham: It’s wrestling. You can’t wrestle on a TV.
Peanut: Well, not like that. Achmed and Walter wrestle over the TV all the time. But then I just hit them both with Josie and say Ole.
Dunham: It’s Jose.
Peanut: It’s not spelled H.O.S.A.Y. It’s J.O.S.E. In English that’s Josie.
Dunham: He’s from Mexico.
Peanut: Do they have Mexican letters?
Dunham: Some. But, most of their letters are like the ones we have here in America.
Peanut: Right. And we’re in America. Down in Mexico he can be called HOSAY, but here we call him Josie.
Dunham: Would you stop!
Peanut: Fine.
Dunham: But back to this wrestling in house and hotel rooms. What you’re saying is that the house and hotel rooms are like Wrestling Championship Federation?
Peanut: Sometimes. But then Achmed starts trying to rig the TV to blow up.
Dunham: What?
Peanut: Achmed rigs the TV to blow up.
Dunham: How come you let him rig it up?
Peanut: Because when he tries to rig the TV he has a Doc Henry episode.
Dunham: A Doc Henry episode? What is that?
Peanut: He has a premature detonation…
The crowd laughs. You hear Achmed from a distance.
Achmed: Hey! That’s not funny!
Peanut: Yes it is!
Achmed: Is not! Shut up!
Peanut: I'll kick your ass!
Achmed: Bring it on infidel! Just watch out for my goat.
Peanut: Oh, is the goat so you can actually hear it say stop?
Achmed: Silence…I keel you!
Dunham: Would you two quit it.
Peanut: Tried it already. Going solo didn’t work.
Dunham: So going back to Wrestling Championship Federation this past Sunday night. What’d you think of the show?
Peanut: It reminded me of some internet videos Achmed Jr. was watching the night before.
Dunham: Really? What was he watching?
Peanut: A bunch of guys with no women. Except when we watched Slam the only difference was they had clothes.
Dunham: You mean AJ was watching adult videos?
Peanut: No, he was watching guys naked in a room doing things men should never do to each other.
Dunham: That’s an adult video.
Peanut: Oh. But he’s not an adult.
Dunham: No, he’s not. Does Achmed know?
Achmed’s voice can be heard again. It sounds disturbed and awkward.
Achmed: I do now…
Dunham looks at Peanut as the crowd laughs.
Dunham: So moving on. This week on Sunday is the Pay Per View event for WCF called Explosion.
Peanut: I am syked! After the show this last week...with clowns and a bunch of guys fighting with each other after those matches. It's going to be awesome!
Dunham: So we’re going to watch it again, huh?
Peanut: Unless Achmed finally learns how to rig things to blow on time.
Peanut tries to keep a straight face and looks up at Jeff.
Peanut: But that’ll never happen.
Peanut can’t hold it in anymore and starts cracking up. The crowd laughs.
Dunham: Good night everybody!
The crowd cheers as Peanut and Dunham both bow. Grime gets up from his seat and walks out. He goes out to the casino and makes his way out of Planet Hollywood. He makes his way to his Harley and hops on. He turns the key in the ignition and the engine roars. He gets a few looks and some look at the Harley in admiration. He slowly backs out of the parking spot and rides off as the scene fades.
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Tuesday March 24, 2015
Motel 6
2:00am
Grime is lying in the bed and a movie is just finishing up. Grime turns the TV off and sits up.
Grime: Okay, it’s time to do some research.
There are a couple DVD cases next to him. He grabs the top one which is a copy of most recent season on DVD for Duck Dynasty. The one on the top of the stack still left shows Dark Knight. He looks up to notice that the camera man is sitting across the room taping everything.
Grime: I know you’re new, but you really need another hobby.
Grime shows the camera all the DVDs holding them up for all to see. He shows Duck Dynasty. Tosses it to the side. Shows The Dark Knight. Tosses it to the side. He shows another movie Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. Then he lifts another DVD. Doc Hollywood. The next movie he tries to hide, but its XXX adult DVD.
Grime: Whoops. How’d that get there?
Grime tries to ignore the camera man. The camera zooms in on Grime’s hand covering the porn. You hear Grime whistling as if nothing is happening. The camera stays zoomed in on Grime’s hand.
Grime: Okay fine! If you must know!
Grime lifts his hand and you see a man in black and white face paint underneath a black robe. A man is also on the covering holding a 12 inch dildo that is glowing green like a lightsaber. The man also has a wig on in the style like Princess Leah and he’s wearing a white robe opened up so you can see everything. A red glow is coming up from the painted man’s pants. The title reads: Darth Prick in Double Penetration. The camera zooms out and you see Grime trying to keep from laughing.
Grime: I knew I had seen him before from somewhere!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The camera turns off as you hear Grime laughing.
The next morning
6:00am
Grime sits on the edge of a sidewalk somewhere. The sun is just coming up. Grime is smoking a cigarette looking to be in some deep thought. He hears footsteps and turns to look to his left. He sees the man with the camera. He is just about finished with his cigarette anyway and flicks it off into the road. A car goes by honking, apparently the driver unhappy with Grime for littering. The driver honks and Grime looks at the car and waves. Then sticks two fingers up, blowing a raspberry. He turns his attention back to the camera man.
Grime: You pick the worst times to do this. Ya know that? First picking my relaxation time to sit back and watch a good movie while I have some popcorn, you’re in my hotel room scoping out my reject porn, and now…while I’m thinking about things. You seriously need a life, Smeagol.
Grime leans back with his hands flat on the concrete. He stretches his neck out a bit and stares up at the stars.
Grime: A lot of people all the sudden seem to want a shot at Grime. Before I defeated Joey Flash, no one really noticed me. They may have thought my claims to have never lost a fight were just a lot of hype. Well, now ya know. You can’t say I didn’t warn ya. In my first match in the WCF I faced two guys that were pretty much jokes by the name of Kenneth Raidon and Dylan Tomas. Where are they now? They no longer exist in WCF. I don’t pay enough attention to really notice. Primarily that is caused by my inability to give a damn.
What happened next? I face Mikey eXtreme in a TV title contender match. And as I said what would happen, Mikey had a Bad Wreck. I moved forward. I was ready. I was to face the undefeated Joey Flash for the WCF TV Championship. Apparently Flash didn’t eat his Wheaties. His blood sugar must’ve been low. The entire world thought that Joey would for sure win and continue his reign. But, he passed out in the middle of the ring. He just couldn’t escape from the Dirty Clutch and took a short nap. It’s just that simple. What does he do when he wakes up? Has a temper tantrum. I sure fell for his fake handshake, though. A real man doesn’t lose and go crying off. A real man will take a loss and accept it. Not Joey. So what do I do with that? Well, you saw how I handle my shit. But, as you all know, XIII wasn’t all business. I had a little fun. Jayson Price decided that a bunch of morons had to entertain in the opening match. Since that wasn’t going to happen I took matters into my own hands. And of course, last night for Slam I hired some clowns just to make a statement. Have to have a little fun every once in a while…
Grime looks across the road at something. He thinks for a moment.
Grime: This past week I faced two retards from reject haven. Walked out with the TV title still in my possession as everyone in the WCF already knew would happen. Then later that night…I teamed up with Marc Mayhem against two high maintenance super models. Well…they got the better of Marc and I.
Grime pauses for another second or two.
Grime: Most would start going around and say that because they didn’t tap or their shoulders weren’t pinned to the mat it wasn’t a loss for them. I got a news flash for those of you who think that’s the case! A loss is a loss no matter what circumstances there are involved. The fact is…I may be going to Explosion to defend the TV title, but I’m headed there with a glitch. Fans can go around and say, Marc Mayhem was the one who got beat. It was Marc! No. If that’s how you people might feel, I ask you to think where was Grime when Marc Mayhem was pinned. I’ll tell you where I was. I was on my ass because Kaz Macy dropkicked me and planted me down on my ass! That’s where I was. I was being supported by my own ass cheeks.
And now, as I look toward Explosion, I see one thing. I have become such a sure thing that regardless of whoever I’m going to face. You can sign me up for a match, and before it happens you can just put another check mark in the “W” column and move on. When it comes to defending the the TV title, at least, but when it comes to working as a team…I guess I still don’t play too well with others.
Grime shakes his head.
Grime: As I am set for a triple threat TV title defense against Mikey eXtreme and Jackson White a few things are stuck up in my head. I think about how I’m facing a Portuguese guy. I get the idea that because he didn’t die he believes that he’s got the right to be called “Fenix” but that just doesn’t come to my mind when I think of this guy’s state of mind. I think it’s more of a delusional thing with him and I’ve got some theories. So I’m thinking that it’s this: 1) he’s going to come to the ring in a bird costume one day thinking he is a mythical bird of great beauty fabled to live 500 or 600 years in the Arabian wilderness, to burn himself on a funeral pyre, and to rise from its ashes in the freshness of youth and live through another cycle of years; 2) that he is just a person trying to hint to all of us that he is a person of peerless beauty or excellence, a paragon if you will; and 3) a person that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation at the hands of yours truly come the following Slam. Of course the part of calamity and annihilation by my own hands is not exactly a delusion. My hope is he knows enough to realize he’s no mythical bird. I don’t believe he’s looked in the mirror lately, though. Not so pretty. Isaiah Chavis might have a look see and he can give his own opinion. If you don’t mind, I’m not going to call ya Fenix, pal. And if you do mind, I just don’t give a shit. I’ll bring a present for ya to the ring. Maybe we can catch up a little from XIII and I can bring the horn so we can reminisce about how you won that match. Basically winning that match and getting hit with my little horn was probably the only good part you could think about because looking forward to having to face me was not something you could write home about.
Grime jerks his head side to side popping his neck.
Grime: So what happens when I get a notice that the Explosion event matches were updated? I look at my phone and I see that you are added to the TV Championship match. Then I thought…good. I like it. I don’t have to waste my time facing just one guy. I don’t have to think that two guys might actually think they have a chance. I already know that Mikey and Fenix think they do. I don’t have to think to myself that it’s just me and the other guy. No. I gotta actually work and make sure that you or Mikey don’t pin each other. That makes things fun. I got two guys I gotta focus on and that for me makes things much more interesting.
Grime cracks his knuckles. He rolls his shoulders.
Grime: Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I have already beaten Mikey, right? Haven’t I already proven that I can beat the guy? So here I go to do it again. Not the first time and it certainly will not be the last. The WCF at first sets up a match where I’m defending the title against a guy I beat in order to get a shot at the thing. I don’t know. Maybe he requested a rematch. Maybe it’s just luck of the draw. Who gives a rat’s ass? I don’t. I can already tell you what will happen. But I will entertain this for a bit...just so that you two can think you’re special.
Grime scratches his chin.
Grime: Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. I have to ask this. Do you believe that had you beaten me for the right to face Joey Flash that you would have put an end to his undefeated record of 13-0? Maybe that could have happened! Maybe it was time that Joey Flash was going to run out of luck. Perhaps the guy would’ve nearly overdosed on some heroine and wouldn’t be ready to fight. That was something possible, and in the back of Doc’s nonexistent mind right? So perhaps you could have become the TV Champion at Slam following Time Bomb. The life of Mikey eXtreme may have become so much better. Maybe you would have found the cure for your whole…issue. I’m just wondering if you can see dead people, too. I kinda wonder if that’ll end up happening later, or if it’s just Doc. Of course Doc could be a dead guy. That’s possible. So I guess if you think about it hard enough, it’s possible that you are already seeing dead people that talk to you. And as for you beating me and then going on to face Joey Flash, winning the TV title from him…that whole situation back in the day…
Grime thinks for a moment.
Grime: Nah. Doubt it. What happens at Explosion is this time you or White will either tap to the Dirty Clutch or have a Bad Wreck. Perhaps I will entertain the fans with giving each of you a Bad Wreck just for shits and giggles. In fact, that’s what I plan on doing. Bad Wreck back to back? Yeah. Sounds fun. Then I’ll go over and sit in the corner and wait for you guys to get back up and we’ll play cards or something. I don’t know. I’ll think of something and we can have a guy’s night for the entire world to watch. Guess Mikey can bring Doc along, but it’s not really all that fair when the rest of us can’t see him. I know neither of you really want to be that third wheel…
Grime sticks his feet out and leans back to lie down on the sidewalk with his feet out in the road a bit. He lets the sun shine on him a bit. Another car goes by. The passengers all looking to see why there is a camera man and a man on the side of the road. They wave trying to get some publicity. Grime sighs.
Grime: I’ll get back to you two guys in a minute. I need to address a few things that have happened over the past two weeks of Slam.
A mosquito comes close to Grime’s face and he swats at it. He over exaggerates the swat out of boredom. He watches to see if the pest is still flying around him. Not seeing anything he settles back down.
Grime: March 15th, I beat Doc Henry. Probably had no testosterone left after his many Colfax meet and greets. How many were actually transvestites? Or did that matter, Doc? Ya never got back to me on that. I know everyone is kinda curious about your adventures in Colorado. Okay…maybe not.
At XIII, prior to the first match starting some nut case decides he wants attention. Didn’t get enough from the last job he had I guess. There just isn’t enough demand for Star Wars character porn rejects running around these days.
At Slam The Dark Prick, master of Double Penetration in his own ass—I might add—seemed to want some more attention. He can’t get along with his own partners. He leaves a path of destruction and what do we see next? He can’t seem to talk to a little girl. What’s the matter? Did the cat bury your tongue in the litter box? When you walked away was it because you didn’t want to be embarrassed by the nonexistent erection in your pants? Or was it to go find your pack of Viagra? For real, dude, you need to watch some Little Mermaid and take the advice. Just like I said last week, Kiss the girl! Don’t be shy. You can do it! Pucker up there’s nothing to it. What do you think the WCF is? Some soap opera? I know the problem. When it comes to Katherine Phoenix…
Grime waves at the camera, then makes the motions of a whip and makes the sound. He sits back up, using his hands to prop him up while he leans back.
Grime: Darth Prick. Just a little advice when it comes to the stunts you’ve been pulling. None of that bullshit matters. You like to talk about stupid shit in spooky places. You like to remind everyone about how rough the world is and how low it has fallen. How far have you fallen? Flash got depressed after he failed to beat me. You seem like you’re stuck in depression never to come back up. I can see the headlines, now! ‘Mime hangs himself, leaving nothing behind but a legacy of a box full of red glowing dildos.’ And Q-Ball...I see that you’re facing the guy instead of teaming up with him. Last I heard he told Maddox that the guy sure had some pretty eyelashes. The two of you worked well as a team. But, now you know better than to never turn your back on him. If he thinks that he’s going to start going crazy again with a chair…I got your back.
Grime runs his hand over his bald head. He wipes the sweat on his pants.
Grime: Now, to the next subject. Bates! What the hell is your uncle doing? He comes out during my match on March 15th, sits and starts writing in a notebook. Did you kick him out of your locker room so you could have a little alone time with the boys? Was that it? He didn’t have anywhere better to go? So he comes out writing in his little diary. You may want to check what the old man was writing, bro. Make sure he didn’t write, ‘Dear Diary, I’m so lonely. It’s been many years since I was with a woman. I don’t really want women anymore, though. There is nothing like a big strong man holding me in his arms. I also like the two tiny men that touch me in places where the sun doesn’t shine.’
Take it from me, Bates. If that was some sort of scouting thing you got going on, by all means I’ll send you a tape of my matches. But, if it’s the fact that you’re also coming to try to take the TV Championship from me, that’s just not going to happen, big guy. What is it? Couldn’t win the hardcore title and so you think that you’re going down to a lower level in the belt tier? Look…I beat the one guy that no one else could. He lost the same way as I did. It’s still a loss, but he and I probably think differently about those types of things. In Flash’s mind, I’m the only one that has been able to put him down. So what does that tell you? Enough said…
Grime stretches and yawns. He twists back and forth to loosen his back. He brings his feet back in and rests his elbows on his knees.
Grime: I know. When will I stop bringing up my victory over Joey Flash? I sound like a broken record, huh? How is it relevant to every other match coming up in my future? Not trying to give Flash a big head or anything, not that it could ever be considered that, but the fact is…beating Joey Flash actually established me in this company. So is it relevant? Does it really matter at this point? The only reason it will be relevant after this coming Pay-Per View is this…one day Joey Flash will hold the WCF World Championship title. I don’t doubt that. But, who will be the one to relieve it from him?
Grime looks at the camera and raises his eye brows. He pats himself on the back.
Grime: Because no one else can.
As he rests his elbows on his knees making a bridge across with his forearms, Grime rests his head. Another car goes by. The driver apparently drunk as Grime turns his head to the side and watches it swerving from lane to lane and the driver obviously over correcting.
Grime: Was that Doc Henry’s cousin? Maybe I should wait another hour before I head out.
The car turns off onto another street. The next thing you hear is a dog barking. You can hear the tires squeal probably in the attempt to avoid the animal.
Grime: Moving onto another man. You got Gemini Battle who comes out to the ring the same night I have my first title defense. He calls out whoever the TV Champion will be after that night. So I decided that since I was going to walk out with the belt anyway to acknowledge being called out. I actually enjoy being called out for a fight. It excites me. Maybe not the same way as the Dark Prick of the force or Doc Henry, but I love a good fight. What I see going on is a lot of guys dressing up in various clown outfits. Maybe the WCF needs to buy a big tent, get some elephants, some good acts, and when the WCF goes anywhere they can reserve two spots. One for those of us that aren’t trying to look ridiculous and maybe a park or something so those who would like to see three guys juggling, wrestling bears, and disappearing can be entertaining too.
Grime smiles.
Grime: When it comes to Gemini Battle. Only problem is that I see a guy that needs to be put in his place. So when all things are set, the WCF decides to sign ya up to face me, then I’ll give you the time of day again. But until then, keep reaching for your hopes and dreams. But if you really want to know what will happen, go to the Homosexual Siths Anonymous and get some help. Please? For all our sakes…
Grime decides he’s had enough of sitting on the curb. He gets up. Goes for another cigarette. He lights up and once he exhales starts talking again.
Grime: Now, back to my title defense at Explosion. Jackson…Mikey…wait a second. Are you guys for real??!?! Michael Jackson? Oh god. Are we really going to have to keep the kids away from Chicago? Damn it! I’m going to have to alert the media and make sure that during our match there will be no children within a 100 yards of the ring entrance stage. No kids can come backstage. No kids around ringside. Damn it to hell!
In all seriousness, guys…You want a shot at the TV Championship? Fine, just show up. But don’t expect much. Just don’t set your hopes so high as to think that you will walk out of the United Center on Sunday night with the TV title…unless of course you decide to just steal the damn thing.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to run to McDonald’s here in a bit and grab a sausage and egg McMuffin. I’m going to savor the bites and then start my ride to the windy city. Take a few leaks on the way and probably a few dumps, too. Won’t think about you two jokes the whole damn time. I’ll go to the United Center. Walk around a bit. Say what’s up to Q. Maybe grab a bite to eat before our so called big match, course it’s really just a big match for the two of ya. Then I’ll mosey down to the ring, wait for the referee to call for the bell. Look at Bozo and Skippy Doodah across the ring with those hungry looks for the title that you’ll be sportin’. And before ya know it you’ll see me walking from the ring after you’ve heard the news that neither one of you could get the job done.
Grime goes over to his Harley and hops on.
Grime: Don’t be too scared now...
As Grime rides off you see a dark figure watching him from a distance.