VK Studios Presents: "Dude, Where's My Bitch?"
Sept 26, 2014 19:11:49 GMT -5
Bryan "Buzz" Worthy likes this
Post by Steve Orbit on Sept 26, 2014 19:11:49 GMT -5
COMING SOON
Ever wondered what you will be like when you are old? Ever wonder what the WCF wrestlers will be like when they are old? Well wonder no more for coming to a theater near you this Fall...WCF: The Old Folks Home! Watch as the once best athletes in the world deal with father time in the year 2065. However their bodies might have changed, but their passion for hating one another has not. Watch as they squabble over birthday parties, music concerts and the biggest thing in any old person's life...Bingo! Starting ICE Beckman and Steve Orbit, playing themselves in their later years along with a cast of funny actors playing the roles of many active WCF stars! "Funniest thing old people have done since Golden Girls" says FilmsForTheElderly.com. "You'll laugh so much that you will be one needing Depends" says The Senior Citizen Gazette. So go ahead and get ready for your future WCF...and trust me it ain't all pretty.
==
AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
The following movie is based on real people played by actors set in a fictional setting. The happenings and events are fictional, but the insults and mockery is very real. Enjoy the show...
Vapor King Studios Presents...
From Brother Roman Productions...
And the mind of "The Mack" Steve Orbit...
A WCF Film...
DUDE, WHERE'S MY BITCH?
==
Steve Orbit and ICE Beckman wake up in a strange room. There are no windows or doors, only a dim row of flourescent lights on the ceiling. There are also a few other people scattered throughout the room, still sleeping.
Steve Orbit: Man, what happened last night? My head is killin' me.
ICE: My head is fine but I still can't remember shit. Which is weird because I haven't blacked out since I was 12.
Steve Orbit: First time you drank?
ICE: ... In a bar, yeah.
Orbit shakes his head. He begins to survey his surroundings.
Steve Orbit: Who are those guys?
ICE: I dunno. Never seen them before.
Steve Orbit: Huh... what's up with this room, anyway?
ICE: What are you talking about?
Steve Orbit: This room... it's like a fuckin' meat locker in here. Where's the TV? Where's the sofa--
ICE: How the hell should I know? It's your place.
Orbit chuckles.
Steve Orbit: Yeah, real funny, ICE.
ICE isn't laughing.
ICE: I thought we were at your place in Oakland.
Steve Orbit: What? We're in Foam Lake... aren't we?
They both stop and scratch their heads.
Steve Orbit: Aight, this is kinda weird. Hold up.
Orbit gets up and walks over to the other side of the room where three guys are passed out. He kicks one of them, and all three begin to slowly wake up.
Steve Orbit: Hey! Who are you? What's your name?
The man is unresponsive. Orbit slaps him in the face. He finally wakes up.
Man: I'm Shawn Scholes, I work for the same company as you!
Steve Orbit: ... Really? What are you, a tech or somethin'--
Shawn Scholes: I'm a wrestler! I'm going to be in War XIII.
Steve Orbit: ... Wow. Hey ICE, you know this guy?
ICE shakes his head "no".
Steve Orbit: Aight Shawn... so who are your friends?
Shawn Scholes: That's Tobias Barnz and Isaac Salinger, both WCF superstars--
ICE: I don't know if I'd use the term "superstar".
Shawn Scholes: Well they're wrestlers! And over there, that's Justin Cash!
Cash speaks up.
Justin Cash: I was just on your team last week, Steve!
Orbit rubs his chin.
Steve Orbit: Really?
Justin Cash: Yes, we won, remember?
Orbit looks at ICE.
ICE: Never seen him.
Steve Orbit: Look, it don't matter. None of y'all matter. What matters is... me and Brother ICE, we was celebratin' a bit too hard last night and we can't remember how we got here-- so where are we, exactly?
Shawn, Tobias and Isaac look at each other.
Shawn Scholes: I don't know. None of us know. We just woke up here-- you mean, you guys don't know where we are either?
ICE: Stop lying punk!
ICE charges forward but Orbit holds him back.
Steve Orbit: Chill, Bro. I know this sounds crazy, but I believe him. I think he's tellin' the truth. There's somethin' weird goin' on, I can feel it. I can feel it in my balls.
Orbit grabs his balls.
ICE: Well, we gotta get outta here. These jobbers aren't going to stop us.
Steve Orbit: That's for damn sure.
Orbit and ICE fist bump, and laugh. Just then... Orbit gets a concerned look on his face.
Steve Orbit: Hey ICE... didn't I have a lady with me last night?
ICE: You had Tarfaya with you, but after last night I don't think she can be referred to as a lady ever again.
Orbit starts looking around at the empty room.
Steve Orbit: So where the fuck is she? You think she's behind this? She set us up, or some shit?
ICE: Why would she do that?
Steve Orbit: Who knows! Bitches are crazy as hell!
All five men in the room nod along.
ICE: True.
Steve Orbit: We gotta get outta here and find that bitch. As far as we know, she's the only one who was with us last night. She can tell us what happened.
ICE: How are we gonna find her?
Steve Orbit: Let's focus on gettin' out of here first.
Orbit walks around the room, tracing his fingers along the walls. There are no visible entrances or exits. No windows. Nothing but smooth wall, ceiling and floor.
ICE: Well, we got in here somehow. There must be an exit.
Scholes, Tobias, Isaac and Cash start to stumble around aimlessly in the background. They touch the walls once in a while but they're basically just doing background extra stuff.
Steve Orbit: I dunno, homie. I'm startin' to feel claustrophobic!
Orbit starts breathing heavily. ICE slaps him across the face.
ICE: Get ahold of yourself man!
Orbit snaps out of it.
Steve Orbit: Thanks, Bro.
ICE: Now let's figure this out--
BANG! CRASH! BOOM!
A frigging TANK crashes through the wall. ICE and Orbit dive out of the way-- the jobbers get run over. Rest in peace. The top of the tank flips open and the Coked Up Madman, Zombie McMorris pops out.
ICE: Z-MAC!
Steve Orbit: You almost killed us!
Z-MAC: No time to explain. We gotta get outta here!
Orbit and ICE hop up on into the tank. Z-MAC drops back down and reverses it through the rubble and to the outside... we realize the bunker was in the side of a hill somewhere. Z-MAC continues to drive the tank. The view switches to inside the tank, where the Vapor Kings are cramped inside.
Steve Orbit: Tight squeeze.
Z-MAC: That's the least of our problems right now, nig.
ICE: How did you find us?
Z-MAC: Buddy sent me.
Steve Orbit: How did he know where we were?
Z-MAC: He didn't explain, he just told me to get my ass over here-- with the quickness.
ICE: Where the hell are we, anyway?
Z-MAC: Washington, DC.
Steve Orbit: How the fuck did we get here?
Z-MAC: You guys disappeared last night with that hooker, and Buddy tracked you here somehow. You know he got resources.
Steve Orbit: Where's the bitch? Where's Tarfaya?
Z-MAC: No idea. We're going to see Buddy now. Almost there.
We see the tank creeping down the street, going 25 in a 40. People are honking their horns. One guy yells out his window-- Zombie moves a level, aiming the turret behind him at the car. He backs off.
==
A SHORT WHILE LATER
In a hotel room, we find Buddy Roman looking out at the Lincoln Memorial. The door opens and Zombie McMorris walks in, followed by ICE and Orbit. Buddy shakes hands with Z-MAC, and hugs his two sons.
Buddy Roman: My God, I'm so relieved. I had feared the worst.
Steve Orbit: Buddy-- with all due respect, you mind tellin' me what the hell is goin' on?
Roman takes a seat and wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.
Buddy Roman: There are... big things happening, Steven. I've come to learn about a secret organization that is plotting to overthrow the United States government.
ICE: What?
Steve Orbit: Who is it, some Tea Party nutjobs?
Buddy Roman: Oh no. These people are powerful and resourceful. According to my intel, they are behind every tragedy and major world catastrophe over the last year-- from natural disasters, to the war brewing in the middle east, to Iggy Azalea. Everything. They're pulling the strings behind the curtain, but this bombing of ISIS... it's the beginning of something big. Something like... A WAR.
ICE: So what's this got to do with us?
Steve Orbit: Yeah, you think they was the ones who kidnapped us?
Buddy Roman: I'm certain of it. They know you're the only ones who are capable of stopping them. Sons, there is someone I want you to meet.
Buddy opens the door to the balcony.
Buddy Roman: JEFFREY!
Jeff Purse drops down onto the balcony. He was clinging to the side of the building, like Spiderman. He enters the room.
Jeff Purse: Hey guys.
Steve Orbit: Purse! What's the deal, homie?
Purse and Orbit hug.
Jeff Purse: Guys, there's something really important I have to tell you.
ICE: Alright, let's hear it.
Jeff Purse: Ok... wait, no. Shit. I gotta go. Sorry, guys.
Purse runs back out to the balcony and jumps off. Orbit runs after him, but it's too late.
Buddy Roman: Dammit!
Steve Orbit: PURSE!
ICE: What's up with that guy?
Buddy Roman: Oh well, no bother. I have somebody else.
Buddy turns towards the bathroom door.
Buddy Roman: GENTLEMEN!
The bathroom door opens... and biohazard walks out, followed by Tyler Walker. They are both wearing nothing but towels wrapped around their waist.
Tyler Walker: we were just washing up
Tyler and b-haz grin at each other. Tyler slaps biohazard on the ass.
Buddy Roman: Gentlemen! Focus. Tell them what you told me earlier.
Tyler Walker: I like taylor swift
biohazard: shake it off... shake shake it off
Buddy Roman: No, not that! The other thing... about Black and Fly.
Tyler Walker: Oh! Oh, yeah. They're aliens.
Orbit and ICE look at each other, shocked.
Steve Orbit: What?! How can that be?
ICE: It makes sense. Their egos are bigger than the human mind could ever contain.
Steve Orbit: Damn... shit. That's true. Plus it explains how Fly beat me at One last year.
Tyler Walker: ya thats why we are hanging out. aliens do stuff together like hang out, watch tv. and take tubs together
Tyler and b-haz grin at each other again.
Buddy Roman: Did they kidnap Steven and ICE?
Tyler Walker: I dunno
Buddy Roman: What do they want?
Tyler Walker: uh...
Steve Orbit: Come on, Buddy. He doesn't even know his own name.
Tyler Walker: Ya I do. It's walker Flyocker Flame.
biohazard: youll always be tyler walker to me
Tyler Walker: whatever! lets bounce
Tyler and biohazard run out of the room and jump off the balcony.
Steve Orbit: WAIT!
ICE: Damn, why doesn't anybody just use the door?
Buddy Roman: That's fine. They're harmless, they just want to have sex with each other. Crazy kids.
Orbit shoots to his feet.
Steve Orbit: I bet they took my bitch! That damn Fly, always trying to get one up on me!
Buddy Roman: Calm down, son. It's possible that they kidnapped the hooker as well, but why?
Steve Orbit: I don't know. But I need to find her. I have a feeling she can piece together this whole fuckin' mess.
ICE: Well... Buddy? What do you think, what should we do?
Buddy Roman: If she's out there, she knows something. But where would you look for a prostitute?
Orbit grins.
==
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Scene opens inside one of the Capital's sleeziest strip joints. Steve Orbit and Natural ICE are front and center, sitting in front of the main stage. ICE is double fisting two beers. Orbit is drinking from a bottle of Hennessy. No sign of Z-MAC or Buddy Roman. There are several girls dancing on the stage.
ICE: You see her yet?
Orbit slaps a big booty bent over in front of him.
Steve Orbit: Seen who?
ICE: The ho! Remember, the reason why we're here?
Steve Orbit: Yeah, I see a lotta hoes, my brother.
ICE grabs Orbit by the shoulder and shakes him.
ICE: Brother! This is important. We need to find Tarfaya, remember?
Orbit shoves the stripper away from him.
Steve Orbit: Shit, you right. Aight, let's move.
Orbit and ICE get up and wander around the club. Soon, they see a girl dancing from behind... she's white, with black hair dyed with blue streaks.
ICE: Steve! Is that...
ICE grabs the girl on the shoulder... she turns around, and we see that it is indeed Chelsea Armstrong.
Chelsea Armstrong: ICE! Wha... what are you doing here?
ICE: I think the more pertinent question is what are YOU doing here?!
Orbit admires her body.
ICE: Stop checking her out!
Steve Orbit: Sorry, it's a habit. Business practices, you know.
Chelsea looks around, nervously.
Chelsea Armstrong: They can't see us talking. Quick, to the Champagne Room!
Orbit rubs his hands together, smiling.
Steve Orbit: That's what I'm talkin' about! Tag Team champs, up here!
Orbit puts his hand up for a five. But ICE does not deliver.
ICE: Let's go.
Chelsea takes ICE and Orbit by the hands and they hurry into the private section of the club. When they arrive, there's nobody around except for a bouncer. Orbit approaches the bouncer and takes out his bill fold.
Steve Orbit: Hey, homeboy-- my friend Benny here, he said it's cool if you go on break now, you feel what I'm sayin'?
Orbit winks. The bouncer smiles and nods, and leaves the room. Chelsea stops dancing provocatively, to Orbit's disappointment.
Chelsea Armstrong: You two are in GRAVE DANGER.
Suddenly, the bathroom door busts open. The one and only Gravedigger stumbles out of the bathroom. He's looking particularly... old.
Gravedigger: Did I hear my name?
Chelsea Armstrong: No, I said grave danger--
Gravedigger: WHAT?
Gravedigger yells like an old deaf person.
Gravedigger: Well, hey, don't go in the bathroom for a while. My bladder isn't what it used to be... my prostate is the size of a basketball. Hey, this isn't my living room!
Gravedigger looks around, confused.
Steve Orbit: Sorry, Digger-- this is a private party.
Orbit and ICE grab Digger and begin to lead him out of the Champagne room.
Gravedigger: Say, you young'ns know where I can score some Viagra?
Orbit and ICE laugh before tossing GD out the door into the main section of the club. They return to Chelsea.
Steve Orbit: Now, where were we.
Chelsea Armstrong: You guys are in danger. Pantheon is out to get you-- out to get all of us.
ICE: How do you know?
Chelsea Armstrong: Black and Fly were in here earlier. I overheard them talking. They said something about a hooker, and wanting to harness the "power of the pussy"--
Steve Orbit: I KNEW IT! I knew that mother fucker took my bitch. Dirty bastard, tryin' to take food out of my God damn mouth. The nerve. Fuck.
ICE: Did you hear what she said? They must want to use "pussy power" to take over the World.
Steve Orbit: I got news for you-- it already runs the God damn world.
Chelsea Armstrong: They want to start a War to cause a diversion--
Suddenly, the lights cut out. Screaming and yelling is heard throughout the club.
Steve Orbit: What the fuck?
ICE: Dingy place like this, probably forgot to pay the electric bill.
Orbit takes out his cellphone... no service. There's never service in these movies.
Steve Orbit: No... this ain't right.
ICE: Why?
Steve Orbit: I always get service here. Five bars. Something else is goin' on.
ICE: Wait-- you've been here before?
Steve Orbit: I've been to every strip club in the world, Bro. Market research.
Chelsea Armstrong: I have a bad feeling--
BOOM! BANG!
Steve Orbit: What was that? Sound like a bomb went off!
Just then, the door swings open, and Bobby Cairo walks in!
Steve Orbit: BOBBY CAIRO! No way!
ICE: Two old fucks in one scene. How 'bout that.
Bobby Cairo: Perhaps I can be of service. Come with me if you want to live!
He's half-man half-machine. The Terminator reference is money, right?
Bobby Cairo: That's right. Orbit, what you did with Mech-Ana was so incredible. So mind blowing and original. I just had to steal your idea, meanwhile giving you no credit whatsoever. So now, I'll save you! Stand back!
We hear more explosions and gunfire coming from the main section of the club. Cairo points to the fire exit in the corner.
Bobby Cairo: There's an exit that way! Hurry!
ICE and Orbit run towards the fire exit. Locked.
Steve Orbit: Shit!
ICE gets a running start and boots the door, but it doesn't budge. Cairo starts making mechanical sounds. He might be faking them with his mouth, we can't know for sure. He gets a big running start... and rams himself into the door. It opens, but Cairo falls to the ground and his body explodes with B-movie special effects. He's left in a pile of flesh and steel, but his head is intact.
Bobby Cairo's Head: MY NECK! MY BACK! Darn, crippled again!
Steve Orbit: Sorry Cairo, we gotta split!
Chelsea Armstrong: I'll wait here and try to gather information. I'll contact you guys when the time is right!
ICE: Alright... be safe. See you soon.
ICE and Chelsea embrace and kiss and some emotional music plays.
Steve Orbit: Let's go.
ICE and Orbit step over Cairo and run outside, into the street. There's bombings everywhere! Buildings are exploding. There's an army of masked men, raping and pillaging. Shooting the place the fuck up. They have the Pantheon "triangle" logo on their gear.
Steve Orbit: Pantheon!
ICE: I always knew they were evil aliens.
Orbit and ICE dip into an alley... where they find a familiar-looking Ford Ranchero. Johnny Reb's time machine.
Steve Orbit: Hey, maybe this can help!
ICE: What is it?
Steve Orbit: It's Johnny Reb's time machine. If we can go back in time, we can kill these mother fuckers before all this nonsense.
Orbit and ICE approach the Ranchero... only to find that Johnny Reb and Doc Henry are hiding inside. They are huddled up in the cab. Orbit knocks on the window... it slowly rolls down.
Steve Orbit: Yo, the fuck is goin' on? Couple of cowboys huggin' up? This ain't Brokeback Mountain part two, homie.
Johnny Reb: We's was just fixin' to leave, pard'ner!
Steve Orbit: Yeah? That's good, 'cause we need a ride.
Johnny Reb: Tell ya what, boy howdy, not'n a chance in hell.
Doc the Cock leans over Reb to speak to Orbit.
Doc Henry: We's goin' back to win us the Civil War!
Orbit rolls his eyes. ICE steps in.
ICE: Listen, we aren't fucking around. We need to go back and find Pantheon to destroy them before--
Johnny Reb: Dang nabbit I said, well I said there ain't no chance.
Doc Henry: Ain't nothin' more impo'tant than winnin' the Civil War. When the South wins, there won't be no more government handouts... and dang CIA tryin' to take my dang guns away, and there won't be no gay marriage or Barack HOOSANE Obamma.
Johnny Reb: Tha's right.
Reb starts the engine. The truck starts shaking.
Johnny Reb: If'n I was y'all, I'd back on up-- see, the appropriate velocity of the particular space-time unification expectorant can cause the defribulation of the borealis configuration--
Steve Orbit: You have no idea what you're saying, do you.
Johnny Reb: ... No.
WHISPER WHIZ. Just like that, the Ranchero warps to another dimension. It's gone. Orbit and ICE are left standing in the alley.
Steve Orbit: Shit. That was a good idea, too.
ICE: Minor setback. There's got to be people around who know something. All we have to do is find out where Pantheon is and we can stop them.
Steve Orbit: We gotta find my bitch, too!
ICE: Pantheon has her, remember? We find Pantheon, we find the ho. We end this War. TOGETHER.
Orbit and ICE fist bump. They walk out onto the street. People are running around in a panic, and there's Pantheon troops still patrolling the street. Buildings are on fire. Orbit and ICE take care to stay out of Pantheon's sight. They walk along the edge of a building until they come to an intersection. There is a reporter standing on the corner... upon closer inspection, we see that it is in fact Bryan "Buzz" Worthy.
Steve Orbit: It's that reporter from WCF! He must know what's goin' on.
ICE: He... must? I think he's just an interview guy.
Steve Orbit: Nah, he's a reporter. He's a wrestler, too!
ICE starts laughing.
ICE: That's a good one.
Steve Orbit: I'm serious! The mother fucker is Television champion!
ICE: No wrestler has hair as perfect as that.
Orbit laughs.
Steve Orbit: Anyway, hush. Let's listen.
Orbit and ICE sneak up closer to hear what he's saying.
Bryan Worthy: This is Buzz Worthy reporting live from Washington, DC. There is terror in the streets as Pantheon foot soldiers have stormed the city and are bombing the hell out of everything. Yes, they're really treating our nation's capital like a kid would treat a frog's ass with an M-80. Pantheon is fucking shit up out here. What's that? I can't swear on the news? It's freaking judgement day, give me a break.
Worthy holds his ear peice.
Bryan Worthy: Wait, I've got breaking news--
Just then, Deuce Murdock shoves Worthy out of the frame. His eyes are wild, he's jittery and holding a mic. He also has one of those super long cigarette-on-a-stick.
Gonzo Deuce: I'm here, man. Right in the mix. Live from the belly of the beast. I'm blasted out of my skull but I am here, man, I am experiencing it all and you better believe my notes from today will be made into an awesome movie with Johnny Depp one day. HEY YOU, GOT A LIGHT?
Deuce is gone-zo, chasing after some bum-- until Daniel Booker steps into the frame, taking over the broadcast.
Daniel Booker: Remain calm, citizens. Ask yourselves, how do you know Pantheon is behind this? Pantheon logos? Anybody could have designed those. It's PROPAGANDA! Who's really behind this? Lerchuminati? The Jews? No, I'll tell you who. It's the Vapor Kings. The Vapor Kings are behind all of this death and destruction. Look at the clues-- ICE is clearly trying to cause a nuclear WINTER, and bring a literal ICE AGE. Steve Orbit has his surveillance satellites ORBITING around, spying on you while you eat dinner inside your homes. And Zombie McMorris, he's the ring leader. He can't die, so he wants to kill all of you and rule the planet by himself! WAKE UP, AMERICA! Pantheon is your friend! Pantheon wants to help! Pantheon--
Orbit and ICE have heard enough. ICE enters the frame and smashes a beer bottle over his head. Orbit holds out his hands in protest.
Steve Orbit: Bro, we could have used him for information!
ICE: He's not dead.
Orbit checks his pulse.
Steve Orbit: Still, we can't wait here until he wakes up. It's too dangerous. And I ain't luggin' his ass around with us.
ICE: ... My bad.
The sound of Pantheon helicopter is heard. ICE and Orbit non-chalantly walk underneath an awning to avoid being seen.
Steve Orbit: We gotta find someplace safe and figure out what to do next.
Orbit's cellphone rings. He answers it.
Steve Orbit: Buddy! It's fuckin' chaos out here, man. Where are you, you safe?
Buddy Roman: Yes, I am. I'm with Z-MAC and we're fine.
ICE: Thank God.
Buddy Roman: You and ICE have got to get to the White House. Pantheon is using this attack as a diversion so they can kill Obama and take over the country. You can't let that happen. I'm counting on you guys!
Steve Orbit: Aight. We on it. Heading there now.
Buddy Roman: Godspeed, my sons!
The call ends.
Steve Orbit: Which way is the White House?
ICE: How the fuck do I know. Put it in the GPS?
Orbit puts the White House in his phone GPS. They begin to walk, following the directions on Orbit's phone. As they walk along, they pass a bum on the street, playing guitar. He's leaning against a building, strumming away and singing the blues--
"The World's goin' to hell,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
My dad thinks I'm a loser,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
I suck at wrestling,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
And Steve Orbit's gonna kick my ass at Slam 300!
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
I got the Livewire blues,
OH YEAH, the Livewire blues.
I'm gonna get murdered during WAR,
What the hell did I even sign up for?"
Orbit throws some change into Grayson Pierce's guitar case and they continue walking. They walk another block, and there's a man standing on the corner with a picket sign reading "THE END IS NEAR". We soon realize it's Steeltoe Joe.
Steeltoe Joe: SALVATION! You might be asking yourselves, why has God allowed this to happen? Why has God allowed Pantheon to take over? The answer? Because you're all SINNERS! REPENT! It's all your fault, each and every one of you! But if you act now, and buy "STEELTOE JOE: The Second Best People's Champion" DVD set for $15, you will find SALVATION! You will be SAVED-UH! Hurry up and buy!
People begin to line up to buy the DVD-- because, you know, Doomsday. Orbit and ICE keep moving. They walk a few more blocks, when they come upon yet another man standing on the corner. He's dressed in a kilt, and giving some type of War speech... but there's nobody listening. It's Cormack MacNeill, addressing his army of exactly zero soldiers.
Cormack MacNeill: I am Cormack MacNeill. And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of Pantheon! You have come to fight as free men. And free man you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight? Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one cahnce, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!
Cormack raises an imaginary sword in the air.
Steve Orbit: Ain't that the speech from Braveheart?
ICE: I think so. That guy's a little bit daffy, huh?
Orbit shrugs and they keep walking. They can see the White House in the distance. Just then... Jeff Purse runs up beside them.
Steve Orbit: Purse, what happened earlier?
Jeff Purse: Sorry-- I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. Anyway, I have to tell you something really important!
ICE: Ok. We're listening.
Jeff Purse: It's just that--
Purse checks his watch.
Jeff Purse: Shit, I gotta go. Sorry guys, I'm just really busy!
And Purse is gone as quickly as he came.
ICE: What's up with him?
Steve Orbit: That's kinda his thing. Anyway, the White House is right up ahead. Let's do this. You ready?
ICE nods.
==
A FEW MINUTES LATER
ICE and Orbit are walking on the sidewalk in front of the White House. They look at the magnificent building from in front of the iron fence that surrounds the perimeter.
ICE: How are we going to get in?
Steve Orbit: Well...
Orbit tugs on the iron fence.
Steve Orbit: Don't people just jump the fence and walk right in the front door?
ICE: Uh, yeah, but they always get caught.
The sound of a bomb exploding nearby.
Steve Orbit: Look, Alien Jonny Fly and Corey Black are in there. They got my bitch Tarfaya. We need to stop them from harnessing the power of her pussy, taking over the country and the world, and most importantly... I need my mother fuckin' ho back. So let's not think about gettin' caught or any of that maybe shit and just focus on gettin' in and doin' this.
ICE: I'm picking up what you're laying down. Let's go.
They are about to hop the fence... when Z-MAC pulls up in the tank again. The lid pops off and he climbs out.
Zombie McMorris: Wait a minute, guys. I got something for ya.
Z-MAC pulls out a special hi-tech glove. It looks like the 90s Nintendo Power Glove. He hands it to Orbit.
Steve Orbit: The fuck is this?
Zombie McMorris: This is a special Pimp Power Glove. It will make your Pimp Slap 10,000 times stronger. You could slap a statue's head off with this thing. You could slap down a redwood.
Steve Orbit: Shit, I think I could do all that anyway.
Orbit and ICE pound fists.
ICE: That's it? No cool gadget for me?
Z-MAC takes out a bottle of beer and hands it to ICE.
ICE: Hey, good enough for me--
ICE begins to pop the top off, but Z-MAC stops him.
Zombie McMorris: That's a special blend of Whoop Ass beer. It has some experimental hormones and super nanobots that will enter your body and give you super strength and make you invincible.
ICE: Invincibility Beer?
ICE admires the liquid inside the bottle.
Zombie McMorris: It's effects only last a minute or so, so you have to wait 'till the right time to use it. Aight crackas, I'm out.
Steve Orbit: Thanks Z-MAC.
Z-MAC climbs back into the tank and rolls out. Orbit and ICE hop the fence and run across the lawn, avoiding detection somehow. Apparently it's not that hard to do. They walk in the front door of the White House. It's quiet.
Steve Orbit: ... A little TOO quiet.
ICE: Huh?
Steve Orbit: Oh, uh... nevermind.
Guard: STOP!
A Pantheon guard spots them. He fires a few shots but Orbit and ICE duck, and split it two directions. The guard follows Orbit... ICE sneaks up behind him and puts him in the cobra clutch until he passes out.
Steve Orbit: Smooth.
ICE takes the guard's gun.
ICE: They'll be looking for us now. Where do we head?
Steve Orbit: Uh... where's that room where shit always goes down. You know, where Clinton got his dick sucked.
ICE: The Oval Office.
Steve Orbit: Yeah, let's find that. I bet my bitch is in there.
An alarm sounds. A swarm of guards rushes into the room.
ICE: We've got company!
Orbit and ICE wrestle and kung-fu their way on, kicking the shit out of everybody and tossing people around. They finally make it to the Oval Office-- they stop outside the door, which is slightly open. They play the wall outside and listen in-- through the crack, we see Jonny Fly, Corey Black, Jayson Price and Barack Obama inside.
Barack Obama: I trust you've brought what I requested.
Fly plops a bucket of chicken on the desk. Corey puts a handle of Hawaiian Punch next to it.
Barack Obama: Alright, let's get down to business.
Jonny Fly: Give us the nuclear launch codes.
Obama starts laughing.
Barack Obama: Now just why would I do that? Look, I'll help you guys out-- troops, resources, you name it. But I have to draw the line at nuclear war. I did take an oath, gentlemen.
Price stumbles in front of Obama. He's clearly hammered.
Jayson Price: Oh yeah, well I didn't vote for you. 'Cause you're a JACKASS.
Fly and Black look at each other.
Jonny Fly: I think he's served his purpose, don't you?
Corey Black: Yeah. I do.
Fly and Black put their hands on Price's head. Price begins to shake violently as Fly and Black suck the very life energy, the very soul out of his body. His skin turns pale and he drops to the floor. Obama eats another chicken wing, licking his fingers, unphased by the killing.
Barack Obama: I was wondering when you were gonna get rid of his stupid, drunk ass. That guy was a moron. Now, can we be less... formal?
Fly, Black and Obama begin talking in some strange alien language. After a few moments, Obama opens up a secret passage in the Oval Office and pulls a black girl out, throwing her on the floor. She's bound and gagged, barely moving. Orbit's eyes widen as he watches from the cracked door.
Steve Orbit: Mother fucker!
ICE tries to hush Orbit, but it's too late. Fly, Black and Obama turn towards the door. Black is the first one to approach... Orbit kicks the door open, hitting Black in the face. ICE pulls out the gun he stole from the guard earlier and they both enter the room. Obama pulls out a gun and we have ourselves a stand off.
Barack Obama: Who the hell are you?
Orbit is mesmerized. He starts walking towards Obama with his hand extended.
Steve Orbit: Mister President, it's an honor to meet you--
ICE grabs Orbit by the shirt.
ICE: STEVE.
Steve Orbit: Oh. Right. Hey, man, we here to stop this shit. The game's over, Fly, we know all about your plans.
Jonny Fly: Is that so?
Steve Orbit: Yeah. It is.
From out of nowhere, Corey Black hits Orbit with a spinning elbow. Orbit stumbles back-- he tackles Fly and the two begin brawling. Fly grabs ICE but he shakes him off--
POP
Obama lets a warning shot fly.
Barack Obama: Here's the way this is gonna go down. We gon' keep doin' whatever it is we doin' in here, and y'all jive ass mother fuckers are gonna turn your dumb asses around and walk out like you didn't see a damn thing-- OR else, I can pop a cap in both of you turkeys, and bury your ass in the garden outside.
Steve Orbit: Not gonna happen, Obama. We can't let you take over the world!
Barack Obama: Who said anything about taking over the world?
SNAP
Jonny Fly slips behind Obama and twists his neck, snapping it. Obama slumps over onto his desk.
Corey Black: What about the launch codes?
Jonny Fly: We can extract them from his brain. Come.
Fly and Black put their hands on Obama's head.
ICE: Hands off.
ICE puts the gun on Fly and Black. Orbit heads over to Tarfaya, his bitch, who is still on the floor tied up. She doesn't look good.
Jonny Fly: Alright. Since you two have made it this far, I'll tell you the master plan. First we will launch World War 3, destroying every major city on the planet. Civilization as we know it will come to an end. And from that... Pantheon will rise. With the power of the pussy on our side, nobody will be able to resist our power!
Corey Black: PANTHEON!
Fly and Black raise their arms triumphantly. Orbit unties Tarfaya, and she slowly comes to. Fly walks over to a small chalkboard and taps it with a pointer. It is a diagram of the human female vagina.
Jonny Fly: We have studied it intensively. We have ran many tests. Touched it. Examined it. Felt it. Tasted it.
Tarfaya's eyebrow raises.
Corey Black: We put all kinds of things inside it and/or around it. We know everything there is to know about the human female pussy. And now... we will use this knowledge of bestow upon OURSELVES... the Power of the Pussy! PANTHEON!
Fly and Black raise their arms triumphantly again. Orbit busts out laughing.
Steve Orbit: Wait, hold up... y'all some transsexuals?
Jonny Fly: What is this earth word?
Steve Orbit: Wait... you want to be a woman?
Corey Black: NO! We simply want to have VAGINAS. We have seen the power that the pussy has over the earth people. We must wield such power!
ICE: So you want to BE a pussy, or HAVE a pussy.
Jonny Fly: Both, I guess.
Corey Black: We will possess the most powerful vaginas in the universe!
Orbit and ICE look at each other, shrugging.
ICE: All they need is a red wig.
Orbit laughs.
Jonny Fly: But first... we must close up two loose ends.
Fly and Black slowly approach ICE and Orbit. ICE lets off a few shots-- the bullets bounce right off of Black and Fly.
Steve Orbit: What the... alien skin? Or some shit?
ICE: It's gotta be-- quick, put this on!
Orbit puts on the Pimp Power Glove.
Steve Orbit: Drink this!
ICE drinks the special invincibility beer.
ICE: Let's Whoop Ass.
Fly tackles Orbit, ICE tackles Corey. All four men begin to rumble, throwing each other all over the place-- into the wall, over the desk, wherever. An all-out brawl. Neither team has an advantage until...
Steve Orbit: ICE! Now!
ICE drags Corey to the middle of the room. ICE uses his super strength to hold them still-- and Orbit lets off the SUPER PIMP POWER SLAP OF JUSTICE!
Jonny Fly: NOOOOOOO!!
Corey Black: DAMN YOU, VAPOR KINGS!
Black and Fly go through the roof at a high velocity. They keep going and going into the sky, until they become little specks and finally disappear. Orbit and ICE drop to the floor, exhausted.
Steve Orbit: We did it, Brother ICE. We saved the country-- we saved the world.
ICE: I knew we could do it!
Suddenly, Z-MAC busts in with an UZI in each hand.
Z-MAC: Where are those Pantheon motha fucks? I got some hot shit for 'em!
Steve Orbit: Too late, man. We did it! They gone for good.
Z-MAC: Damn, ya couldn't have saved some for me?
Orbit and ICE laugh with Z-MAC. Tarfaya the hooker starts to stir, standing up on shaky legs. Orbit rushes to her side.
Steve Orbit: Baby, are you aight? What did they do to you?
Tarfaya: Ugh... I don't remember much, but I know they paid for sex-- but we didn't have sex. They just looked at my pussy with a microscope or something, it's foggy. I don't remember exactly.
Steve Orbit: That's ok, just rest-- because tomorrow, your ass is goin' back to work.
Tarfaya sighs.
Tarfaya: Yes, daddy.
Orbit looks around. We see Obama's dead body, Jayson Price's dead body, and the trashed Oval Office.
Steve Orbit: I think our work here is done--
Suddenly, the door busts open. It's a media frenzy, with TORTURE appearing with all of the cameras.
Torture: Yeah, I did it! I saved the day! I'm a hero!
Torture shoves his way into the room.
Torture: Hey, kid. Get out of my shot.
Orbit cautiously steps aside. Torture looks into the camera.
Torture: This is the very spot where I, Torture, the greatest wrestler of all time, beat Pantheon! I took Jonny Fly and Corey Black and I Tortured their Devices all over the freakin' place! Yeah!
Tarfaya taps Torture on the shoulder. He turns around... and catches a right hand to the jaw from the whore.
Tarfaya: You fuckin' talk too much.
Torture is knocked out, sleeping on the ground. It's silent once again, until--
Z-MAC: What happens now?
Steve Orbit: Well... I know a good candidate to put this country on the right track.
==
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
We fade into what appears to be a campaign rally. A banner reads "BUDDY ROMAN - CONQUER THE HATE". Roman stands on a stage, with Orbit and ICE on either side of him. He is just finishing up.
Buddy Roman: ... and GOD BLESS AMERICA.
The crowd erupts. Buddy begins to shake hands with members of the audience... and we fade out.
ROLL CREDITS
==
During the credits, Steve Orbit's face pops onto the screen.
Steve Orbit: Ah, that was fun. That's what we do here at Vapor Kings. We strive to entertain you mother fuckers. We wouldn't do something as boring and self-serving as, say... a documentary about Steve Orbit's life. Y'all know about me already. Y'all seen my life unfold in front of your eyes, y'all seen the past revealed-- it's like you were there with me. That's not new material. That's a fuckin' re-hash. I dunno why anybody would do that. That don't FLY with me.
Orbit winks.
This War match, it's important to me for a lot of reasons. Most obvious, I wanna win the mother fucker. I ain't never won no War before and it's time for Steve Orbit to step up and be the one this year. Yeah, I already got a match at One-- I can do double duty. I did it at my first One, in mother fuckin' 2012. No problem for me. The biggest PPV at the year needs as much of WCF's biggest star as it can get, you know what I'm sayin'? I need to do this-- for me, for you, for everybody. For wrestling history. See, 2012 was my rookie year, and I conquered a lot in that year. I won the TV Title and I broke a record with the United States title. A good year, but 2013 was somethin' special. Won my first World Title. Wrestler of the Year. World Champion of the Year. 2014... this year, has been even better. See the trend? I ain't hit my ceiling as a performer yet. I keep getting better, God dammit. I had a long ass, historic five month World Title reign this year, and I need to cap that off with a War win. I already reigned over this company for five months. Now I just gotta do it all in one night, in one match. No problem.
And my opponents... man, I ain't gonna sit here and list out everybody. Fuck that. Nobody wanna hear any more of that. There's mother fuckers who I got my eye out for-- Pantheon for example. I'ma personally eliminate every Pantheon member from the War match this year. Fly, Black, Booker-- I'm callin' my shots right now. Pimp Slap, Pimp Slap, Pimp Slap. Maybe another mid-air Pimp Slap if the opportunity presents itself and the time is right. Bobby Cairo, I'ma get you for that elimination last year. Don't think I forgot about your ass, you mechanical mother fucker. I'ma cripple your bitch ass again 'til you look like fuckin' Ironside with a thick-ass wheel chair. Fucker.
I'ma win War this year. Yeah, I'ma win that mother fucker. Know what else? Tag Team titles. It's only right that me and my Brother, ICE Beckman, beat Pantheon for the Tag titles. It's like a fuckin' preview of things to come. A coming attraction if you wanna stick with the movie theme. First the Vapor Kings, the Frosty Pimp Hand, the ICE MACKS, we gonna beat Jonny "not" Fly and Corey "not" Black for the Tag straps. After that, I'ma beat Jonny "not" Fly at One-- and ICE is gonna handle Corey "not" Black at Slam 300. It's academic at this point.
When I ditched Pantheon and joined Vapor Kings, a lot of people asked why. They wanna know what I'm doin' with Buddy Roman. They wanna know why I'm hangin' out with Z-MAC and callin' Natural ICE my brother. All I gotta say is... you'll see. At War, you'll see what we have in store for this business and this company. Pure... dominance.
Conquer the hate.
Orbit's face fades and so does this promo.
Ever wondered what you will be like when you are old? Ever wonder what the WCF wrestlers will be like when they are old? Well wonder no more for coming to a theater near you this Fall...WCF: The Old Folks Home! Watch as the once best athletes in the world deal with father time in the year 2065. However their bodies might have changed, but their passion for hating one another has not. Watch as they squabble over birthday parties, music concerts and the biggest thing in any old person's life...Bingo! Starting ICE Beckman and Steve Orbit, playing themselves in their later years along with a cast of funny actors playing the roles of many active WCF stars! "Funniest thing old people have done since Golden Girls" says FilmsForTheElderly.com. "You'll laugh so much that you will be one needing Depends" says The Senior Citizen Gazette. So go ahead and get ready for your future WCF...and trust me it ain't all pretty.
==
AND NOW FOR OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
The following movie is based on real people played by actors set in a fictional setting. The happenings and events are fictional, but the insults and mockery is very real. Enjoy the show...
Vapor King Studios Presents...
From Brother Roman Productions...
And the mind of "The Mack" Steve Orbit...
A WCF Film...
DUDE, WHERE'S MY BITCH?
==
Steve Orbit and ICE Beckman wake up in a strange room. There are no windows or doors, only a dim row of flourescent lights on the ceiling. There are also a few other people scattered throughout the room, still sleeping.
Steve Orbit: Man, what happened last night? My head is killin' me.
ICE: My head is fine but I still can't remember shit. Which is weird because I haven't blacked out since I was 12.
Steve Orbit: First time you drank?
ICE: ... In a bar, yeah.
Orbit shakes his head. He begins to survey his surroundings.
Steve Orbit: Who are those guys?
ICE: I dunno. Never seen them before.
Steve Orbit: Huh... what's up with this room, anyway?
ICE: What are you talking about?
Steve Orbit: This room... it's like a fuckin' meat locker in here. Where's the TV? Where's the sofa--
ICE: How the hell should I know? It's your place.
Orbit chuckles.
Steve Orbit: Yeah, real funny, ICE.
ICE isn't laughing.
ICE: I thought we were at your place in Oakland.
Steve Orbit: What? We're in Foam Lake... aren't we?
They both stop and scratch their heads.
Steve Orbit: Aight, this is kinda weird. Hold up.
Orbit gets up and walks over to the other side of the room where three guys are passed out. He kicks one of them, and all three begin to slowly wake up.
Steve Orbit: Hey! Who are you? What's your name?
The man is unresponsive. Orbit slaps him in the face. He finally wakes up.
Man: I'm Shawn Scholes, I work for the same company as you!
Steve Orbit: ... Really? What are you, a tech or somethin'--
Shawn Scholes: I'm a wrestler! I'm going to be in War XIII.
Steve Orbit: ... Wow. Hey ICE, you know this guy?
ICE shakes his head "no".
Steve Orbit: Aight Shawn... so who are your friends?
Shawn Scholes: That's Tobias Barnz and Isaac Salinger, both WCF superstars--
ICE: I don't know if I'd use the term "superstar".
Shawn Scholes: Well they're wrestlers! And over there, that's Justin Cash!
Cash speaks up.
Justin Cash: I was just on your team last week, Steve!
Orbit rubs his chin.
Steve Orbit: Really?
Justin Cash: Yes, we won, remember?
Orbit looks at ICE.
ICE: Never seen him.
Steve Orbit: Look, it don't matter. None of y'all matter. What matters is... me and Brother ICE, we was celebratin' a bit too hard last night and we can't remember how we got here-- so where are we, exactly?
Shawn, Tobias and Isaac look at each other.
Shawn Scholes: I don't know. None of us know. We just woke up here-- you mean, you guys don't know where we are either?
ICE: Stop lying punk!
ICE charges forward but Orbit holds him back.
Steve Orbit: Chill, Bro. I know this sounds crazy, but I believe him. I think he's tellin' the truth. There's somethin' weird goin' on, I can feel it. I can feel it in my balls.
Orbit grabs his balls.
ICE: Well, we gotta get outta here. These jobbers aren't going to stop us.
Steve Orbit: That's for damn sure.
Orbit and ICE fist bump, and laugh. Just then... Orbit gets a concerned look on his face.
Steve Orbit: Hey ICE... didn't I have a lady with me last night?
ICE: You had Tarfaya with you, but after last night I don't think she can be referred to as a lady ever again.
Orbit starts looking around at the empty room.
Steve Orbit: So where the fuck is she? You think she's behind this? She set us up, or some shit?
ICE: Why would she do that?
Steve Orbit: Who knows! Bitches are crazy as hell!
All five men in the room nod along.
ICE: True.
Steve Orbit: We gotta get outta here and find that bitch. As far as we know, she's the only one who was with us last night. She can tell us what happened.
ICE: How are we gonna find her?
Steve Orbit: Let's focus on gettin' out of here first.
Orbit walks around the room, tracing his fingers along the walls. There are no visible entrances or exits. No windows. Nothing but smooth wall, ceiling and floor.
ICE: Well, we got in here somehow. There must be an exit.
Scholes, Tobias, Isaac and Cash start to stumble around aimlessly in the background. They touch the walls once in a while but they're basically just doing background extra stuff.
Steve Orbit: I dunno, homie. I'm startin' to feel claustrophobic!
Orbit starts breathing heavily. ICE slaps him across the face.
ICE: Get ahold of yourself man!
Orbit snaps out of it.
Steve Orbit: Thanks, Bro.
ICE: Now let's figure this out--
BANG! CRASH! BOOM!
A frigging TANK crashes through the wall. ICE and Orbit dive out of the way-- the jobbers get run over. Rest in peace. The top of the tank flips open and the Coked Up Madman, Zombie McMorris pops out.
ICE: Z-MAC!
Steve Orbit: You almost killed us!
Z-MAC: No time to explain. We gotta get outta here!
Orbit and ICE hop up on into the tank. Z-MAC drops back down and reverses it through the rubble and to the outside... we realize the bunker was in the side of a hill somewhere. Z-MAC continues to drive the tank. The view switches to inside the tank, where the Vapor Kings are cramped inside.
Steve Orbit: Tight squeeze.
Z-MAC: That's the least of our problems right now, nig.
ICE: How did you find us?
Z-MAC: Buddy sent me.
Steve Orbit: How did he know where we were?
Z-MAC: He didn't explain, he just told me to get my ass over here-- with the quickness.
ICE: Where the hell are we, anyway?
Z-MAC: Washington, DC.
Steve Orbit: How the fuck did we get here?
Z-MAC: You guys disappeared last night with that hooker, and Buddy tracked you here somehow. You know he got resources.
Steve Orbit: Where's the bitch? Where's Tarfaya?
Z-MAC: No idea. We're going to see Buddy now. Almost there.
We see the tank creeping down the street, going 25 in a 40. People are honking their horns. One guy yells out his window-- Zombie moves a level, aiming the turret behind him at the car. He backs off.
==
A SHORT WHILE LATER
In a hotel room, we find Buddy Roman looking out at the Lincoln Memorial. The door opens and Zombie McMorris walks in, followed by ICE and Orbit. Buddy shakes hands with Z-MAC, and hugs his two sons.
Buddy Roman: My God, I'm so relieved. I had feared the worst.
Steve Orbit: Buddy-- with all due respect, you mind tellin' me what the hell is goin' on?
Roman takes a seat and wipes a bead of sweat from his brow.
Buddy Roman: There are... big things happening, Steven. I've come to learn about a secret organization that is plotting to overthrow the United States government.
ICE: What?
Steve Orbit: Who is it, some Tea Party nutjobs?
Buddy Roman: Oh no. These people are powerful and resourceful. According to my intel, they are behind every tragedy and major world catastrophe over the last year-- from natural disasters, to the war brewing in the middle east, to Iggy Azalea. Everything. They're pulling the strings behind the curtain, but this bombing of ISIS... it's the beginning of something big. Something like... A WAR.
ICE: So what's this got to do with us?
Steve Orbit: Yeah, you think they was the ones who kidnapped us?
Buddy Roman: I'm certain of it. They know you're the only ones who are capable of stopping them. Sons, there is someone I want you to meet.
Buddy opens the door to the balcony.
Buddy Roman: JEFFREY!
Jeff Purse drops down onto the balcony. He was clinging to the side of the building, like Spiderman. He enters the room.
Jeff Purse: Hey guys.
Steve Orbit: Purse! What's the deal, homie?
Purse and Orbit hug.
Jeff Purse: Guys, there's something really important I have to tell you.
ICE: Alright, let's hear it.
Jeff Purse: Ok... wait, no. Shit. I gotta go. Sorry, guys.
Purse runs back out to the balcony and jumps off. Orbit runs after him, but it's too late.
Buddy Roman: Dammit!
Steve Orbit: PURSE!
ICE: What's up with that guy?
Buddy Roman: Oh well, no bother. I have somebody else.
Buddy turns towards the bathroom door.
Buddy Roman: GENTLEMEN!
The bathroom door opens... and biohazard walks out, followed by Tyler Walker. They are both wearing nothing but towels wrapped around their waist.
Tyler Walker: we were just washing up
Tyler and b-haz grin at each other. Tyler slaps biohazard on the ass.
Buddy Roman: Gentlemen! Focus. Tell them what you told me earlier.
Tyler Walker: I like taylor swift
biohazard: shake it off... shake shake it off
Buddy Roman: No, not that! The other thing... about Black and Fly.
Tyler Walker: Oh! Oh, yeah. They're aliens.
Orbit and ICE look at each other, shocked.
Steve Orbit: What?! How can that be?
ICE: It makes sense. Their egos are bigger than the human mind could ever contain.
Steve Orbit: Damn... shit. That's true. Plus it explains how Fly beat me at One last year.
Tyler Walker: ya thats why we are hanging out. aliens do stuff together like hang out, watch tv. and take tubs together
Tyler and b-haz grin at each other again.
Buddy Roman: Did they kidnap Steven and ICE?
Tyler Walker: I dunno
Buddy Roman: What do they want?
Tyler Walker: uh...
Steve Orbit: Come on, Buddy. He doesn't even know his own name.
Tyler Walker: Ya I do. It's walker Flyocker Flame.
biohazard: youll always be tyler walker to me
Tyler Walker: whatever! lets bounce
Tyler and biohazard run out of the room and jump off the balcony.
Steve Orbit: WAIT!
ICE: Damn, why doesn't anybody just use the door?
Buddy Roman: That's fine. They're harmless, they just want to have sex with each other. Crazy kids.
Orbit shoots to his feet.
Steve Orbit: I bet they took my bitch! That damn Fly, always trying to get one up on me!
Buddy Roman: Calm down, son. It's possible that they kidnapped the hooker as well, but why?
Steve Orbit: I don't know. But I need to find her. I have a feeling she can piece together this whole fuckin' mess.
ICE: Well... Buddy? What do you think, what should we do?
Buddy Roman: If she's out there, she knows something. But where would you look for a prostitute?
Orbit grins.
==
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
Scene opens inside one of the Capital's sleeziest strip joints. Steve Orbit and Natural ICE are front and center, sitting in front of the main stage. ICE is double fisting two beers. Orbit is drinking from a bottle of Hennessy. No sign of Z-MAC or Buddy Roman. There are several girls dancing on the stage.
ICE: You see her yet?
Orbit slaps a big booty bent over in front of him.
Steve Orbit: Seen who?
ICE: The ho! Remember, the reason why we're here?
Steve Orbit: Yeah, I see a lotta hoes, my brother.
ICE grabs Orbit by the shoulder and shakes him.
ICE: Brother! This is important. We need to find Tarfaya, remember?
Orbit shoves the stripper away from him.
Steve Orbit: Shit, you right. Aight, let's move.
Orbit and ICE get up and wander around the club. Soon, they see a girl dancing from behind... she's white, with black hair dyed with blue streaks.
ICE: Steve! Is that...
ICE grabs the girl on the shoulder... she turns around, and we see that it is indeed Chelsea Armstrong.
Chelsea Armstrong: ICE! Wha... what are you doing here?
ICE: I think the more pertinent question is what are YOU doing here?!
Orbit admires her body.
ICE: Stop checking her out!
Steve Orbit: Sorry, it's a habit. Business practices, you know.
Chelsea looks around, nervously.
Chelsea Armstrong: They can't see us talking. Quick, to the Champagne Room!
Orbit rubs his hands together, smiling.
Steve Orbit: That's what I'm talkin' about! Tag Team champs, up here!
Orbit puts his hand up for a five. But ICE does not deliver.
ICE: Let's go.
Chelsea takes ICE and Orbit by the hands and they hurry into the private section of the club. When they arrive, there's nobody around except for a bouncer. Orbit approaches the bouncer and takes out his bill fold.
Steve Orbit: Hey, homeboy-- my friend Benny here, he said it's cool if you go on break now, you feel what I'm sayin'?
Orbit winks. The bouncer smiles and nods, and leaves the room. Chelsea stops dancing provocatively, to Orbit's disappointment.
Chelsea Armstrong: You two are in GRAVE DANGER.
Suddenly, the bathroom door busts open. The one and only Gravedigger stumbles out of the bathroom. He's looking particularly... old.
Gravedigger: Did I hear my name?
Chelsea Armstrong: No, I said grave danger--
Gravedigger: WHAT?
Gravedigger yells like an old deaf person.
Gravedigger: Well, hey, don't go in the bathroom for a while. My bladder isn't what it used to be... my prostate is the size of a basketball. Hey, this isn't my living room!
Gravedigger looks around, confused.
Steve Orbit: Sorry, Digger-- this is a private party.
Orbit and ICE grab Digger and begin to lead him out of the Champagne room.
Gravedigger: Say, you young'ns know where I can score some Viagra?
Orbit and ICE laugh before tossing GD out the door into the main section of the club. They return to Chelsea.
Steve Orbit: Now, where were we.
Chelsea Armstrong: You guys are in danger. Pantheon is out to get you-- out to get all of us.
ICE: How do you know?
Chelsea Armstrong: Black and Fly were in here earlier. I overheard them talking. They said something about a hooker, and wanting to harness the "power of the pussy"--
Steve Orbit: I KNEW IT! I knew that mother fucker took my bitch. Dirty bastard, tryin' to take food out of my God damn mouth. The nerve. Fuck.
ICE: Did you hear what she said? They must want to use "pussy power" to take over the World.
Steve Orbit: I got news for you-- it already runs the God damn world.
Chelsea Armstrong: They want to start a War to cause a diversion--
Suddenly, the lights cut out. Screaming and yelling is heard throughout the club.
Steve Orbit: What the fuck?
ICE: Dingy place like this, probably forgot to pay the electric bill.
Orbit takes out his cellphone... no service. There's never service in these movies.
Steve Orbit: No... this ain't right.
ICE: Why?
Steve Orbit: I always get service here. Five bars. Something else is goin' on.
ICE: Wait-- you've been here before?
Steve Orbit: I've been to every strip club in the world, Bro. Market research.
Chelsea Armstrong: I have a bad feeling--
BOOM! BANG!
Steve Orbit: What was that? Sound like a bomb went off!
Just then, the door swings open, and Bobby Cairo walks in!
Steve Orbit: BOBBY CAIRO! No way!
ICE: Two old fucks in one scene. How 'bout that.
Bobby Cairo: Perhaps I can be of service. Come with me if you want to live!
He's half-man half-machine. The Terminator reference is money, right?
Bobby Cairo: That's right. Orbit, what you did with Mech-Ana was so incredible. So mind blowing and original. I just had to steal your idea, meanwhile giving you no credit whatsoever. So now, I'll save you! Stand back!
We hear more explosions and gunfire coming from the main section of the club. Cairo points to the fire exit in the corner.
Bobby Cairo: There's an exit that way! Hurry!
ICE and Orbit run towards the fire exit. Locked.
Steve Orbit: Shit!
ICE gets a running start and boots the door, but it doesn't budge. Cairo starts making mechanical sounds. He might be faking them with his mouth, we can't know for sure. He gets a big running start... and rams himself into the door. It opens, but Cairo falls to the ground and his body explodes with B-movie special effects. He's left in a pile of flesh and steel, but his head is intact.
Bobby Cairo's Head: MY NECK! MY BACK! Darn, crippled again!
Steve Orbit: Sorry Cairo, we gotta split!
Chelsea Armstrong: I'll wait here and try to gather information. I'll contact you guys when the time is right!
ICE: Alright... be safe. See you soon.
ICE and Chelsea embrace and kiss and some emotional music plays.
Steve Orbit: Let's go.
ICE and Orbit step over Cairo and run outside, into the street. There's bombings everywhere! Buildings are exploding. There's an army of masked men, raping and pillaging. Shooting the place the fuck up. They have the Pantheon "triangle" logo on their gear.
Steve Orbit: Pantheon!
ICE: I always knew they were evil aliens.
Orbit and ICE dip into an alley... where they find a familiar-looking Ford Ranchero. Johnny Reb's time machine.
Steve Orbit: Hey, maybe this can help!
ICE: What is it?
Steve Orbit: It's Johnny Reb's time machine. If we can go back in time, we can kill these mother fuckers before all this nonsense.
Orbit and ICE approach the Ranchero... only to find that Johnny Reb and Doc Henry are hiding inside. They are huddled up in the cab. Orbit knocks on the window... it slowly rolls down.
Steve Orbit: Yo, the fuck is goin' on? Couple of cowboys huggin' up? This ain't Brokeback Mountain part two, homie.
Johnny Reb: We's was just fixin' to leave, pard'ner!
Steve Orbit: Yeah? That's good, 'cause we need a ride.
Johnny Reb: Tell ya what, boy howdy, not'n a chance in hell.
Doc the Cock leans over Reb to speak to Orbit.
Doc Henry: We's goin' back to win us the Civil War!
Orbit rolls his eyes. ICE steps in.
ICE: Listen, we aren't fucking around. We need to go back and find Pantheon to destroy them before--
Johnny Reb: Dang nabbit I said, well I said there ain't no chance.
Doc Henry: Ain't nothin' more impo'tant than winnin' the Civil War. When the South wins, there won't be no more government handouts... and dang CIA tryin' to take my dang guns away, and there won't be no gay marriage or Barack HOOSANE Obamma.
Johnny Reb: Tha's right.
Reb starts the engine. The truck starts shaking.
Johnny Reb: If'n I was y'all, I'd back on up-- see, the appropriate velocity of the particular space-time unification expectorant can cause the defribulation of the borealis configuration--
Steve Orbit: You have no idea what you're saying, do you.
Johnny Reb: ... No.
WHISPER WHIZ. Just like that, the Ranchero warps to another dimension. It's gone. Orbit and ICE are left standing in the alley.
Steve Orbit: Shit. That was a good idea, too.
ICE: Minor setback. There's got to be people around who know something. All we have to do is find out where Pantheon is and we can stop them.
Steve Orbit: We gotta find my bitch, too!
ICE: Pantheon has her, remember? We find Pantheon, we find the ho. We end this War. TOGETHER.
Orbit and ICE fist bump. They walk out onto the street. People are running around in a panic, and there's Pantheon troops still patrolling the street. Buildings are on fire. Orbit and ICE take care to stay out of Pantheon's sight. They walk along the edge of a building until they come to an intersection. There is a reporter standing on the corner... upon closer inspection, we see that it is in fact Bryan "Buzz" Worthy.
Steve Orbit: It's that reporter from WCF! He must know what's goin' on.
ICE: He... must? I think he's just an interview guy.
Steve Orbit: Nah, he's a reporter. He's a wrestler, too!
ICE starts laughing.
ICE: That's a good one.
Steve Orbit: I'm serious! The mother fucker is Television champion!
ICE: No wrestler has hair as perfect as that.
Orbit laughs.
Steve Orbit: Anyway, hush. Let's listen.
Orbit and ICE sneak up closer to hear what he's saying.
Bryan Worthy: This is Buzz Worthy reporting live from Washington, DC. There is terror in the streets as Pantheon foot soldiers have stormed the city and are bombing the hell out of everything. Yes, they're really treating our nation's capital like a kid would treat a frog's ass with an M-80. Pantheon is fucking shit up out here. What's that? I can't swear on the news? It's freaking judgement day, give me a break.
Worthy holds his ear peice.
Bryan Worthy: Wait, I've got breaking news--
Just then, Deuce Murdock shoves Worthy out of the frame. His eyes are wild, he's jittery and holding a mic. He also has one of those super long cigarette-on-a-stick.
Gonzo Deuce: I'm here, man. Right in the mix. Live from the belly of the beast. I'm blasted out of my skull but I am here, man, I am experiencing it all and you better believe my notes from today will be made into an awesome movie with Johnny Depp one day. HEY YOU, GOT A LIGHT?
Deuce is gone-zo, chasing after some bum-- until Daniel Booker steps into the frame, taking over the broadcast.
Daniel Booker: Remain calm, citizens. Ask yourselves, how do you know Pantheon is behind this? Pantheon logos? Anybody could have designed those. It's PROPAGANDA! Who's really behind this? Lerchuminati? The Jews? No, I'll tell you who. It's the Vapor Kings. The Vapor Kings are behind all of this death and destruction. Look at the clues-- ICE is clearly trying to cause a nuclear WINTER, and bring a literal ICE AGE. Steve Orbit has his surveillance satellites ORBITING around, spying on you while you eat dinner inside your homes. And Zombie McMorris, he's the ring leader. He can't die, so he wants to kill all of you and rule the planet by himself! WAKE UP, AMERICA! Pantheon is your friend! Pantheon wants to help! Pantheon--
Orbit and ICE have heard enough. ICE enters the frame and smashes a beer bottle over his head. Orbit holds out his hands in protest.
Steve Orbit: Bro, we could have used him for information!
ICE: He's not dead.
Orbit checks his pulse.
Steve Orbit: Still, we can't wait here until he wakes up. It's too dangerous. And I ain't luggin' his ass around with us.
ICE: ... My bad.
The sound of Pantheon helicopter is heard. ICE and Orbit non-chalantly walk underneath an awning to avoid being seen.
Steve Orbit: We gotta find someplace safe and figure out what to do next.
Orbit's cellphone rings. He answers it.
Steve Orbit: Buddy! It's fuckin' chaos out here, man. Where are you, you safe?
Buddy Roman: Yes, I am. I'm with Z-MAC and we're fine.
ICE: Thank God.
Buddy Roman: You and ICE have got to get to the White House. Pantheon is using this attack as a diversion so they can kill Obama and take over the country. You can't let that happen. I'm counting on you guys!
Steve Orbit: Aight. We on it. Heading there now.
Buddy Roman: Godspeed, my sons!
The call ends.
Steve Orbit: Which way is the White House?
ICE: How the fuck do I know. Put it in the GPS?
Orbit puts the White House in his phone GPS. They begin to walk, following the directions on Orbit's phone. As they walk along, they pass a bum on the street, playing guitar. He's leaning against a building, strumming away and singing the blues--
"The World's goin' to hell,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
My dad thinks I'm a loser,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
I suck at wrestling,
DUN NAH, DUN NAH
And Steve Orbit's gonna kick my ass at Slam 300!
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
I got the Livewire blues,
OH YEAH, the Livewire blues.
I'm gonna get murdered during WAR,
What the hell did I even sign up for?"
Orbit throws some change into Grayson Pierce's guitar case and they continue walking. They walk another block, and there's a man standing on the corner with a picket sign reading "THE END IS NEAR". We soon realize it's Steeltoe Joe.
Steeltoe Joe: SALVATION! You might be asking yourselves, why has God allowed this to happen? Why has God allowed Pantheon to take over? The answer? Because you're all SINNERS! REPENT! It's all your fault, each and every one of you! But if you act now, and buy "STEELTOE JOE: The Second Best People's Champion" DVD set for $15, you will find SALVATION! You will be SAVED-UH! Hurry up and buy!
People begin to line up to buy the DVD-- because, you know, Doomsday. Orbit and ICE keep moving. They walk a few more blocks, when they come upon yet another man standing on the corner. He's dressed in a kilt, and giving some type of War speech... but there's nobody listening. It's Cormack MacNeill, addressing his army of exactly zero soldiers.
Cormack MacNeill: I am Cormack MacNeill. And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of Pantheon! You have come to fight as free men. And free man you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight? Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one cahnce, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!
Cormack raises an imaginary sword in the air.
Steve Orbit: Ain't that the speech from Braveheart?
ICE: I think so. That guy's a little bit daffy, huh?
Orbit shrugs and they keep walking. They can see the White House in the distance. Just then... Jeff Purse runs up beside them.
Steve Orbit: Purse, what happened earlier?
Jeff Purse: Sorry-- I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. Anyway, I have to tell you something really important!
ICE: Ok. We're listening.
Jeff Purse: It's just that--
Purse checks his watch.
Jeff Purse: Shit, I gotta go. Sorry guys, I'm just really busy!
And Purse is gone as quickly as he came.
ICE: What's up with him?
Steve Orbit: That's kinda his thing. Anyway, the White House is right up ahead. Let's do this. You ready?
ICE nods.
==
A FEW MINUTES LATER
ICE and Orbit are walking on the sidewalk in front of the White House. They look at the magnificent building from in front of the iron fence that surrounds the perimeter.
ICE: How are we going to get in?
Steve Orbit: Well...
Orbit tugs on the iron fence.
Steve Orbit: Don't people just jump the fence and walk right in the front door?
ICE: Uh, yeah, but they always get caught.
The sound of a bomb exploding nearby.
Steve Orbit: Look, Alien Jonny Fly and Corey Black are in there. They got my bitch Tarfaya. We need to stop them from harnessing the power of her pussy, taking over the country and the world, and most importantly... I need my mother fuckin' ho back. So let's not think about gettin' caught or any of that maybe shit and just focus on gettin' in and doin' this.
ICE: I'm picking up what you're laying down. Let's go.
They are about to hop the fence... when Z-MAC pulls up in the tank again. The lid pops off and he climbs out.
Zombie McMorris: Wait a minute, guys. I got something for ya.
Z-MAC pulls out a special hi-tech glove. It looks like the 90s Nintendo Power Glove. He hands it to Orbit.
Steve Orbit: The fuck is this?
Zombie McMorris: This is a special Pimp Power Glove. It will make your Pimp Slap 10,000 times stronger. You could slap a statue's head off with this thing. You could slap down a redwood.
Steve Orbit: Shit, I think I could do all that anyway.
Orbit and ICE pound fists.
ICE: That's it? No cool gadget for me?
Z-MAC takes out a bottle of beer and hands it to ICE.
ICE: Hey, good enough for me--
ICE begins to pop the top off, but Z-MAC stops him.
Zombie McMorris: That's a special blend of Whoop Ass beer. It has some experimental hormones and super nanobots that will enter your body and give you super strength and make you invincible.
ICE: Invincibility Beer?
ICE admires the liquid inside the bottle.
Zombie McMorris: It's effects only last a minute or so, so you have to wait 'till the right time to use it. Aight crackas, I'm out.
Steve Orbit: Thanks Z-MAC.
Z-MAC climbs back into the tank and rolls out. Orbit and ICE hop the fence and run across the lawn, avoiding detection somehow. Apparently it's not that hard to do. They walk in the front door of the White House. It's quiet.
Steve Orbit: ... A little TOO quiet.
ICE: Huh?
Steve Orbit: Oh, uh... nevermind.
Guard: STOP!
A Pantheon guard spots them. He fires a few shots but Orbit and ICE duck, and split it two directions. The guard follows Orbit... ICE sneaks up behind him and puts him in the cobra clutch until he passes out.
Steve Orbit: Smooth.
ICE takes the guard's gun.
ICE: They'll be looking for us now. Where do we head?
Steve Orbit: Uh... where's that room where shit always goes down. You know, where Clinton got his dick sucked.
ICE: The Oval Office.
Steve Orbit: Yeah, let's find that. I bet my bitch is in there.
An alarm sounds. A swarm of guards rushes into the room.
ICE: We've got company!
Orbit and ICE wrestle and kung-fu their way on, kicking the shit out of everybody and tossing people around. They finally make it to the Oval Office-- they stop outside the door, which is slightly open. They play the wall outside and listen in-- through the crack, we see Jonny Fly, Corey Black, Jayson Price and Barack Obama inside.
Barack Obama: I trust you've brought what I requested.
Fly plops a bucket of chicken on the desk. Corey puts a handle of Hawaiian Punch next to it.
Barack Obama: Alright, let's get down to business.
Jonny Fly: Give us the nuclear launch codes.
Obama starts laughing.
Barack Obama: Now just why would I do that? Look, I'll help you guys out-- troops, resources, you name it. But I have to draw the line at nuclear war. I did take an oath, gentlemen.
Price stumbles in front of Obama. He's clearly hammered.
Jayson Price: Oh yeah, well I didn't vote for you. 'Cause you're a JACKASS.
Fly and Black look at each other.
Jonny Fly: I think he's served his purpose, don't you?
Corey Black: Yeah. I do.
Fly and Black put their hands on Price's head. Price begins to shake violently as Fly and Black suck the very life energy, the very soul out of his body. His skin turns pale and he drops to the floor. Obama eats another chicken wing, licking his fingers, unphased by the killing.
Barack Obama: I was wondering when you were gonna get rid of his stupid, drunk ass. That guy was a moron. Now, can we be less... formal?
Fly, Black and Obama begin talking in some strange alien language. After a few moments, Obama opens up a secret passage in the Oval Office and pulls a black girl out, throwing her on the floor. She's bound and gagged, barely moving. Orbit's eyes widen as he watches from the cracked door.
Steve Orbit: Mother fucker!
ICE tries to hush Orbit, but it's too late. Fly, Black and Obama turn towards the door. Black is the first one to approach... Orbit kicks the door open, hitting Black in the face. ICE pulls out the gun he stole from the guard earlier and they both enter the room. Obama pulls out a gun and we have ourselves a stand off.
Barack Obama: Who the hell are you?
Orbit is mesmerized. He starts walking towards Obama with his hand extended.
Steve Orbit: Mister President, it's an honor to meet you--
ICE grabs Orbit by the shirt.
ICE: STEVE.
Steve Orbit: Oh. Right. Hey, man, we here to stop this shit. The game's over, Fly, we know all about your plans.
Jonny Fly: Is that so?
Steve Orbit: Yeah. It is.
From out of nowhere, Corey Black hits Orbit with a spinning elbow. Orbit stumbles back-- he tackles Fly and the two begin brawling. Fly grabs ICE but he shakes him off--
POP
Obama lets a warning shot fly.
Barack Obama: Here's the way this is gonna go down. We gon' keep doin' whatever it is we doin' in here, and y'all jive ass mother fuckers are gonna turn your dumb asses around and walk out like you didn't see a damn thing-- OR else, I can pop a cap in both of you turkeys, and bury your ass in the garden outside.
Steve Orbit: Not gonna happen, Obama. We can't let you take over the world!
Barack Obama: Who said anything about taking over the world?
SNAP
Jonny Fly slips behind Obama and twists his neck, snapping it. Obama slumps over onto his desk.
Corey Black: What about the launch codes?
Jonny Fly: We can extract them from his brain. Come.
Fly and Black put their hands on Obama's head.
ICE: Hands off.
ICE puts the gun on Fly and Black. Orbit heads over to Tarfaya, his bitch, who is still on the floor tied up. She doesn't look good.
Jonny Fly: Alright. Since you two have made it this far, I'll tell you the master plan. First we will launch World War 3, destroying every major city on the planet. Civilization as we know it will come to an end. And from that... Pantheon will rise. With the power of the pussy on our side, nobody will be able to resist our power!
Corey Black: PANTHEON!
Fly and Black raise their arms triumphantly. Orbit unties Tarfaya, and she slowly comes to. Fly walks over to a small chalkboard and taps it with a pointer. It is a diagram of the human female vagina.
Jonny Fly: We have studied it intensively. We have ran many tests. Touched it. Examined it. Felt it. Tasted it.
Tarfaya's eyebrow raises.
Corey Black: We put all kinds of things inside it and/or around it. We know everything there is to know about the human female pussy. And now... we will use this knowledge of bestow upon OURSELVES... the Power of the Pussy! PANTHEON!
Fly and Black raise their arms triumphantly again. Orbit busts out laughing.
Steve Orbit: Wait, hold up... y'all some transsexuals?
Jonny Fly: What is this earth word?
Steve Orbit: Wait... you want to be a woman?
Corey Black: NO! We simply want to have VAGINAS. We have seen the power that the pussy has over the earth people. We must wield such power!
ICE: So you want to BE a pussy, or HAVE a pussy.
Jonny Fly: Both, I guess.
Corey Black: We will possess the most powerful vaginas in the universe!
Orbit and ICE look at each other, shrugging.
ICE: All they need is a red wig.
Orbit laughs.
Jonny Fly: But first... we must close up two loose ends.
Fly and Black slowly approach ICE and Orbit. ICE lets off a few shots-- the bullets bounce right off of Black and Fly.
Steve Orbit: What the... alien skin? Or some shit?
ICE: It's gotta be-- quick, put this on!
Orbit puts on the Pimp Power Glove.
Steve Orbit: Drink this!
ICE drinks the special invincibility beer.
ICE: Let's Whoop Ass.
Fly tackles Orbit, ICE tackles Corey. All four men begin to rumble, throwing each other all over the place-- into the wall, over the desk, wherever. An all-out brawl. Neither team has an advantage until...
Steve Orbit: ICE! Now!
ICE drags Corey to the middle of the room. ICE uses his super strength to hold them still-- and Orbit lets off the SUPER PIMP POWER SLAP OF JUSTICE!
Jonny Fly: NOOOOOOO!!
Corey Black: DAMN YOU, VAPOR KINGS!
Black and Fly go through the roof at a high velocity. They keep going and going into the sky, until they become little specks and finally disappear. Orbit and ICE drop to the floor, exhausted.
Steve Orbit: We did it, Brother ICE. We saved the country-- we saved the world.
ICE: I knew we could do it!
Suddenly, Z-MAC busts in with an UZI in each hand.
Z-MAC: Where are those Pantheon motha fucks? I got some hot shit for 'em!
Steve Orbit: Too late, man. We did it! They gone for good.
Z-MAC: Damn, ya couldn't have saved some for me?
Orbit and ICE laugh with Z-MAC. Tarfaya the hooker starts to stir, standing up on shaky legs. Orbit rushes to her side.
Steve Orbit: Baby, are you aight? What did they do to you?
Tarfaya: Ugh... I don't remember much, but I know they paid for sex-- but we didn't have sex. They just looked at my pussy with a microscope or something, it's foggy. I don't remember exactly.
Steve Orbit: That's ok, just rest-- because tomorrow, your ass is goin' back to work.
Tarfaya sighs.
Tarfaya: Yes, daddy.
Orbit looks around. We see Obama's dead body, Jayson Price's dead body, and the trashed Oval Office.
Steve Orbit: I think our work here is done--
Suddenly, the door busts open. It's a media frenzy, with TORTURE appearing with all of the cameras.
Torture: Yeah, I did it! I saved the day! I'm a hero!
Torture shoves his way into the room.
Torture: Hey, kid. Get out of my shot.
Orbit cautiously steps aside. Torture looks into the camera.
Torture: This is the very spot where I, Torture, the greatest wrestler of all time, beat Pantheon! I took Jonny Fly and Corey Black and I Tortured their Devices all over the freakin' place! Yeah!
Tarfaya taps Torture on the shoulder. He turns around... and catches a right hand to the jaw from the whore.
Tarfaya: You fuckin' talk too much.
Torture is knocked out, sleeping on the ground. It's silent once again, until--
Z-MAC: What happens now?
Steve Orbit: Well... I know a good candidate to put this country on the right track.
==
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
We fade into what appears to be a campaign rally. A banner reads "BUDDY ROMAN - CONQUER THE HATE". Roman stands on a stage, with Orbit and ICE on either side of him. He is just finishing up.
Buddy Roman: ... and GOD BLESS AMERICA.
The crowd erupts. Buddy begins to shake hands with members of the audience... and we fade out.
ROLL CREDITS
==
During the credits, Steve Orbit's face pops onto the screen.
Steve Orbit: Ah, that was fun. That's what we do here at Vapor Kings. We strive to entertain you mother fuckers. We wouldn't do something as boring and self-serving as, say... a documentary about Steve Orbit's life. Y'all know about me already. Y'all seen my life unfold in front of your eyes, y'all seen the past revealed-- it's like you were there with me. That's not new material. That's a fuckin' re-hash. I dunno why anybody would do that. That don't FLY with me.
Orbit winks.
This War match, it's important to me for a lot of reasons. Most obvious, I wanna win the mother fucker. I ain't never won no War before and it's time for Steve Orbit to step up and be the one this year. Yeah, I already got a match at One-- I can do double duty. I did it at my first One, in mother fuckin' 2012. No problem for me. The biggest PPV at the year needs as much of WCF's biggest star as it can get, you know what I'm sayin'? I need to do this-- for me, for you, for everybody. For wrestling history. See, 2012 was my rookie year, and I conquered a lot in that year. I won the TV Title and I broke a record with the United States title. A good year, but 2013 was somethin' special. Won my first World Title. Wrestler of the Year. World Champion of the Year. 2014... this year, has been even better. See the trend? I ain't hit my ceiling as a performer yet. I keep getting better, God dammit. I had a long ass, historic five month World Title reign this year, and I need to cap that off with a War win. I already reigned over this company for five months. Now I just gotta do it all in one night, in one match. No problem.
And my opponents... man, I ain't gonna sit here and list out everybody. Fuck that. Nobody wanna hear any more of that. There's mother fuckers who I got my eye out for-- Pantheon for example. I'ma personally eliminate every Pantheon member from the War match this year. Fly, Black, Booker-- I'm callin' my shots right now. Pimp Slap, Pimp Slap, Pimp Slap. Maybe another mid-air Pimp Slap if the opportunity presents itself and the time is right. Bobby Cairo, I'ma get you for that elimination last year. Don't think I forgot about your ass, you mechanical mother fucker. I'ma cripple your bitch ass again 'til you look like fuckin' Ironside with a thick-ass wheel chair. Fucker.
I'ma win War this year. Yeah, I'ma win that mother fucker. Know what else? Tag Team titles. It's only right that me and my Brother, ICE Beckman, beat Pantheon for the Tag titles. It's like a fuckin' preview of things to come. A coming attraction if you wanna stick with the movie theme. First the Vapor Kings, the Frosty Pimp Hand, the ICE MACKS, we gonna beat Jonny "not" Fly and Corey "not" Black for the Tag straps. After that, I'ma beat Jonny "not" Fly at One-- and ICE is gonna handle Corey "not" Black at Slam 300. It's academic at this point.
When I ditched Pantheon and joined Vapor Kings, a lot of people asked why. They wanna know what I'm doin' with Buddy Roman. They wanna know why I'm hangin' out with Z-MAC and callin' Natural ICE my brother. All I gotta say is... you'll see. At War, you'll see what we have in store for this business and this company. Pure... dominance.
Conquer the hate.
Orbit's face fades and so does this promo.
