Post by Alex Richards on Jul 19, 2014 9:52:11 GMT -5
OOC: Just a quick clarification. I wrote this promo before I learned of Seifer's departure. I just want the handler to know I didn't write it afterwards to disrespect him. With all the drama around here lately I certainly don't want to stir up anymore.
Narrator: Normally I would narrate the beginning of this scene but really there isn't much to be much. Alex and I are in New Jersey we are walking down what appears to be a side street with middle class houses. Actually this is kind of boring. What gives? Doesn't Alex usually have some kind of wacky idea. So I ask him.
Zach: Alex, what are we doing here? Don't you normally have some grand, exciting plan no matter where we go?
Richards: Ha! I knew you liked those! Now that you admitted it I can take things even further than usual!
Zach: Uh oh. What have I done?
Richards: Okay so we're in Jersey right? We gotta hit the Jersey Shore! First off we're going to save Snooki's baby from the tanning beds! Then we going to replace the Jersey boy's steroids with laxatives! It'll be awesome!
Zach: That show has been off the air for years man.
Richards: Yeah but it's a classic New Jersey topic to mock. It's immortally mockable! You know like starting your own cult and claiming it's getting popular.
Zach: I meant to see if you knew who you were facing this week. I guess you heard.
Richards: Seifer for some reason has been claiming he's catching on as a doomsday prophet? Really.. sorry having two people blindly follow you is not an army. It's like claiming the White Stripes were a band. Two people is not a band! Besides there is always some idiots who will follow any moronic trend, including being a doomsday prophet. You see how many followers of the religion of the Giant Spaghetti monster has? And that one is so ridiculous! I mean everyone knows the only good and true cult is the cult of the space camels sucking up all of earth's water!
Zach: Dude! You made that up a few weeks ago.
Richards: That means it comes from a credible source. Besides if Seifer's little cult had any real power why is our match this week non title? Probably because the only people who support Seifer's kooky little doomsday device are even weirder, and crazier than I am! That's right.. you are actually considered too nutso for the higher ups to even think of giving you a chance to be in the ultimate showdown. That's right.. you're even considered insane compared to me. I'm almost impressed. Wait a second I don't get it. You think people follow your words? People don't even understand your words. And as for your actions? What actions? Really what have you done? Anything? Anything at all! To be honest I'm confused. Why isn't this is a hardcore title match I mean it isn't like there is any chance some fourth rate David Keresh is going to take the hardcore title from me anyways!
Zach: How do you know how David Keresh is?
Richards: I happen to be a fan of Kool Aid.
Narrator: Alex was going to continue on his rant when he notices a cargo van painted gold pulling up.
Richard: Oh shit..
Zach: What's wrong?
Narrator: The van stops and Alex immediately slugs the burly driver of the van the second he opened the door. The sliding side door opens and Alex grabs the first guy out and slams his head against the second of the van several times. A third man hops out carrying a taser. But Alex spins and boots him directly in the face then curb stomps him on the curb.
Zach: Dude, you just assaulted three men! What the hell was that all about. Umm behind you!
Narrator: Alex turns only to eat a lead pipe directly to the throat by the fourth man who hopped out the back doors of the van. He picks up the taser and uses it on Alex before tossing him in the back. The other hired thugs get up now looking various forms of hurt. The man who drove the van has to help up the guy who got curb stomped. The person who got bounced off the van several times is bleeding badly from the back of the head.
Driver: Why did you do that? We were just here to pick you up. Hey you with the camera. Get in the van NOW! No use letting you go to the police now is there?
Narrator: I get into the back of the van where Alex has already been tossed into the caged portion of the van. The van begins to drive and I get the impression these goons aren't very smart so I turn the camera back on and talk to Alex who now looks a mixture of angry, upset, disgusted, and distressed.
Zach:(whispering) You're facing Seifer Black this week and he likes to kidnap, torture and kill people. You did say he didn't have the guts to do it to anyone who can fight back. You think he called our bluff.
Richards: I wish this was Seifer. No, these people make Seifer look like a saint. Seifer might like to torture people but these people make it an art form. They are truly sick Zach. I knew being so close to New York might lead to this. This is why I don't fear people like Seifer. They want to make you think they are evil so badly. If you are truly evil.. you don't need to say it, you don't need to slaughter people to prove it. You just are.
Zach: You're scaring me Alex.
Richards: Don't worry Zach. They don't want you. Unless they want you to document it. They do enjoy the press.
Narrator: The van finally stops and the goons open the door and lead Alex and myself out of the van. I look at see the gaudiest sight I have ever sense. This may be the largest home I have ever seen. Five stories high with classic antique looking windows and ledges and ungodly ugly looking golden colored brick. Someone is trying way too hard. The hired thugs finally remember they have real weapons and one points a gun at Alex and myself and motion for us to walk towards the building. We silently walk through the gold painted French doors and down a hallway past an assortment of art which appears to have no rhythm or reason to it probably besides being expensive. We get onto an elevator and one of the goons presses the fifth floor before leaving us to go up... We reach the fifth floor and are in a massive office. The largest desk I have ever seen dominates the room and there are two people staring at us with very obviously fake smiles. Both appear to be in their 50s. The man has short graying hair, a graying goatee, and looks to be in shape but the kind of shape that probably means he spent 6 figures on a personal trainer. He is wearing an expensive suit tailored to his body. The female a blonde lady appears to be trying way too hard to stay young, obviously having underwent far too many procedures looks absolutely artificial.
Richards: BARBIE!!!!!
Narrator: Alex rushes over and bear hugs the lady who looks on in distaste as he rumples her obviously expensive looking red dress.
Lady: Get off me. This is French silk. Do you know how expensive it is?
Richards: Silk right.. that's worms eh Barbie? I can go out to the garden and get some more worms no problem!
Man: Don't call your mother Barbie.
Richards: But she looks like a Barbie doll! And come to think of it, you look like a wannabe Dos Equis man pops!
Father: Please be serious Alexander.
Richards: I'm Alex. Alexander is my father, actually Alexander was the mail man. I do wish he was my father though.
Father: ENOUGH I AM YOUR FATHER AND I DEMAND RESPECT!
Richards: You mean the kind of respect you get by kidnapping someone?
Mother: You beat up our business associates quite badly son. I don't how why we had to send them to get you. You know the door is always open to visit on your own son.
Richards: I'm not your son! Don't try and play that card.
Father: Yes you are son. Your mother and I are here to try and help make your life better. We have so much and we would like to help our only child.
Richards: I know the kind of help you gave me..
Narrator: I don't say anything but quite frankly I'm shocked. Alex is normally pretty easy going even when he's angry. But perhaps what the mad doctor said about Alex's background could be true. Before anything else can be said Alex's father reaches under his desk and pulls out a large briefcase, he opens it up revealing more money than I will ever make in my life time.
Father: I think it's time you give up wrestling Alex and find something more suitable to your talents.
Richards: I know where you got that money. I don't want it!
Mother: Alex dear, take the money, you're embarrassing us. We see you on television every week and people know you are our son. And you.. kidnap geisha girls, vandalize buildings, take drugs and alcohol. You bring shame upon us!
Richards: You should see what I'm doing this next. Zach and I are going to get your personal painter to draw pictures of your face dear old dad on my ass, and Barbie's face on Zach's then we are going to moon the audience live on television and speak from the heart Ace Ventura style!
Zach: Normally I wouldn't be a part of this but you know what.. Great idea Alex!
Mother: But look at the shame you're bringing to your parents. You're breaking our hearts. Please Alexander honey, take the money, retire, quit wrestling, we want you to be happy. Move.. say to Switzerland. It's lovely this time of year.. truly lovely.
Richards: you know what's truly lovely? Having parents who ignore you and let you get raised by the television. Smokey the Bear taught me to be afraid of forest fires... I want to start fires damnit! And then Barney the dinosaur sang I love you.. you love me. I'm still afraid of the color purple. And you.. offer me money? Keep your money I don't want it.
Father: You don't want money. Fine, think about this. I know you're facing a gentlemen this week Seifer Black who enjoy killing people who look like his opponents. Do you really want that on your conscience. I mean.. he could kill these people...
Narrator: Alex's awful father claps his hands. And 6 men walk into the room wearing black robes. All of them have shaved heads, and eye make up. They all of course look just like Uncle Fester from the Addams' Family.
Fester 1: Dude, great costume Alex. Where'd you get that make up?
Richards: I don't wear make up.
Fester 2: You're good!
Mother: Think about it love. Seifer could kill one... or.. two.. or all 6 of these beautiful people. You could stop it though. All you have to do is quit wrestling. Then Seifer has no reason to kill.
Zach: Don't dude.. they are messing with your head.
Narrator: Alex looks conflicted. Then he calls a huddle. He and the Uncle Festers get in close then break. The Festers run from the room and come back with props. Two of the Festers attempt to light up light bulbs by putting them in their mouths. Another Fester screws a fourth Fester's head in with a large, obviously fake vice.
Father: Very funny. Don't you take anything serious?
Richards: This is serious..
Narrator: Alex motions to the final two Festers both of whom are lighting sticks of dynamite.
Mother: You are mad. Let's go Charles.
Father: Quite right Tabitha. This place is ensured anyways. Feel free to stay Alexander.
Narrator: The two cowardly parents run out of the room and towards the elevator as Alex grins and laughs.
Zach: That's fake dynamite right?
Richards: It's not fake, it's a prop. Now we take the stairs. But first..
Narrator: Alex opens up the briefcase and pulls out one of the large bundles of money. He starts to close it then stops and grabs a second which he sticks down his pants, wipes his rear with then returns to the case.
Richards: There, now it looks as dirty as it is. Sad thing is bet they still spend it.
Narrator: Alex, the Festers, and I take the long winding staircase out the back entrance of the mansion where Alex's black van is waiting.
Zach: Why is your van here?
Richards: You had to know they'd want me to get out quick if I took their money. No way I'm leaving my van behind. I mean duh, it's awesome. No amount of money would make me leave that. Speaking of money.
Narrator: Alex hands the large stack of bills to one of the Festers.
Richards: You guys should probably get out of here. You don't want Seifer to get you.
Fester 3: What about you?
Richards: I can handle Seifer Black. Don't worry boys before the week is over I'll have stopped Seifer from ever maiming anymore innocent folks again.. one way or another.
Narrator: The Fester's eyes light up at the money and son of a gun one even makes the light bulb in their mouth light up. The impersonators quickly take off leaving me and Alex.
Zach: What now?
Richards: I promised I was going to end Seifer Black's reign of terror. So what now... road trip of course.
Narrator: Alex's black van pulls into the parking lot of a Burger King, a Yarn Barn.. nope with my luck we are definitely going to the third store, a classy establishment named the Playtime Boutique.
Zach: Far be it for me to act like a prude by why exactly are we hanging out in this parking lot? Um.. you do realize where we are right?
Richards: The Playtime Boutique of course! I mean they have swings right?
Zach: Yeah but not the kind you're thinking of...
Richards: Dude, I'm just messing with you. This is part of my master plan. See I want to stop Seifer from killing those poor Uncle Fester impersonators, or anyone else for that matter. So I have me a plan.
Zach: This should worry me shouldn't it?
Richards: C'mon Zach have a little faith will you... Now I need you to get out of the van so I can change.
Narrator: I get out of the van quickly. I don't know what Alex is going to do but really I'm hoping he takes off and leaves me in the parking lot. After a minute or two Alex opens swinging side panel of the van and hops out carrying a sack and wearing a Santa Claus suit.
Zach: Dear lord I hoped you burned that.
Richards: You were the one who wanted me to burn it. But I said it would have another use and here we are. You see Seifer Black has been expressing himself in a very hostile way as of late. Either the boy has been watching too Saw or he's just plain sad. I swear I heard him weeping last week. I thought I saw him singing that classic Hank Williams song I'm so lonesome I could cry. I even saw him penning a letter to Ann Landers and one to her sister Dear Abby. Dude is depressed. So I thought to myself if only I can cheer up Seifer maybe he'll stop slaughtering people. Because to be honest I'd feel kind of guilty if he slaughtered someone who sort of looked like me. I mean they already look like me haven't they suffered enough? So I thought to myself what cheers me up? Presents of course! So I went ahead and dressed up because what's better than presents? Presents from Santa of course! Plus I still had the costume left over from my trip to Santa's village last week.
Zach: You could have washed it. It still smells like elf vomit.
Richards: Adds to the autheticity my friend. Now I've spent all week thinking up presents, special presents, just for you Seifer! The very things that just scream Seifer Black. The things you would need in life to make you happy! So without further ado..
Narrator: Alex reaches into the santa's sack and pulls out... the XWCWF women's championship!
Zach: Shouldn't you have gotten a replica WCF belt?
Richards: No, that would be cheap. This is a real wrestling company's championship. I was thinking of getting a WCF title belt but then I thought nah Seifer should aim lower. Then I was thinking of getting another company's world title. I mean they aren't as good as the WCF right? But nah, Seifer should aim lower. I mean that's the key to not being disappointed right? So then I learned this title belt was held by such all stars as Beverly Hills and the Ultimate Bitch! And I thought now there's a title belt Seifer could handle! I mean I think part of the reason Seifer is sad is because he doesn't have a title belt. I mean he's been here since September of last year. Where's your title belt? I asked around and apparently you've never had one! No wonder you're so sad! I mean I can relate. I've been here since this March and wait a minute I have a title belt. I'll bet that makes you sad too. I mean you probably think you're better than me since you did win the two girls one cup. But really you weren't even the better girl. I mean sure you beat Chelsea but look at all the gold she's won around here. Your win was probably a fluke. And if that makes you sad, just think about Arabella Montgomery. She had three matches and won a title. Hmm.. maybe I shouldn't have bought you the women's title off of eBay. So many women are better than you you're probably feeling inadequate. I should have bought you the XWCWF hardcore championship. I mean that'll be as close to beating a hardcore champion as you're going to get right Seifer? You think this is working Zach?
Zach: Somehow I doubt it.
Richards: That's okay Zach. There are plenty of items left in the bag. Like these..
Narrator: Alex reaches into his santa's sack and pulls out.. a pair of pink wrestling tights.
Richards: I got these from another wrestler in the locker room. He swears they used to belong to Steven Osbourne. I think you need to update your look. That whole gothic tortured soul thing, it's so mid 90s man. Next thing you know you're going to change your nickname from the Doomsday Prophet to “The Cutter”. You don't wanna do that man. That certainly won't make you happy. I think these new cheerful tights is just the thing to make you a new, better, happier person!
Zach: Why are they so stiff? It's like they've been used by some of the patrons of that store.
Richards: They do have a salty smell... Gross, that's not the kind of hardcore I like. But Seifer even if I don't want to wear them. Maybe you shouldn't I doubt crabs make you any happier. Wait a sec, if you have crabs you won't be able to kill anyone while getting treatment so wear away! But even if you don't I suggest brightening up your wardrobe. Plus, I hear those things are great for absorbing tears.
Zach: Any women who slept with Steven Osbourne would definitely be in need of a good cry.
Narrator: Alex, thankfully puts down the nasty, disgusting tights and pulls out the next item. A can of Natural Ice beer.
Richards: Don't worry I didn't cheap out. I have the whole 30 cans of Natty Ice for you. I believe you pound back about 20 or so of those and you might start acting more like... umm. Sorry that's probably a sore spot. But you know, they might make you more attractive to you know who. Actually you might want to give Chelsea the beer. If SHE drinks the whole 30 she might start finding you attractive again. Of course she might also die of alcohol poisoning which let's be honest that would definitely be better than being married to Seifer. Although that might actually make Seifer happy. He could claim to have killed his ex wife and maybe he'd stop killing innocent people. Then my tag partner from last week would probably kill me and him. All that talk about death is kinda bumming me out. So actually it's only a 29 pack now.. sorry. This one is about making me happy. Hey, alcohol totally works in making you happy. Score!
Narrator: Alex drinks down the can of Natural Ice quickly, then busts the can on his head. He then reaches back into the santa sack and grabs the next item... a pair of glasses made out of glass from beer bottles.
Richards: That's right. These are the famous beer goggles. Now I thought what you're thinking Seifer.. I always think Lorelei is attractive why would I need beer bottles. Now while that is cause to get your vision checked that does mean you don't need beer goggles to be happy. These are for Lorelei. I mean this week at Slam I am going to beat you very very badly. You will be bruised, you will be bloodied, you may even be scarred. But give these glasses to Lorelei and she'll still think you're attractive.. somehow. But you know I am concerned about your relationship. So I have another gift for you.
Zach: Can I try on those beer goggles I want to see if they make you appear any smarter.
Narrator: I try on the goggles as Alex goes back to his sack and selects another item.. a shiny red apple.
Zach: The goggles don't work because I can't possibly see why an apple is now in your hands.
Richards: Simple Zach, Seifer clearly wouldn't be happy if he's dating a tranny like I suspected he was. So he takes this apple right and holds it up to Lorelei's neck.. if she's got an apple that matches this.. he's got himself a tranny and should run. Or you know kill her or something. Damnit, sorry I'm trying to get Seifer away from the whole killing thing. I mean umm.. shake his hand, walk away, and eat the apple. Because apples are delicious. I wish I bought more than one apple actually. Okay Seifer, you can have the apple. You're not going to beat the hardcore champion, I don't think your girl is really a girl but you got good eats. So umm at least that's something right? OH wait.. wait.. I got another gift for you.. I made this one myself..
Narrator: Alex looks proud of himself and plays out what looks like a child's, and not even a particularly gifted child, mobile of the earth and moon with a mini WCF world title belt floating.
Zach: You're actually proud of that?
Richards: Hell yeah, it's the earth and the moon and a title belt in Orbit. Get it?
Zach: That is clever for you.
Richards: I remember last time I faced Seifer and he was so proud about the fact he took Steve Orbit to the limit. He was so proud Steve Orbit couldn't pin him, or make him submit. But you know I faced Steve Orbit a few weeks ago. I also took Steve Orbit to the limit. When that match ended Steve Obit couldn't pin me or make me submit. But there was one difference. When the match was over I got my hand raised. Did Seifer get his hand raised after the match with Orbit?
Zach: He did not.
Richards: Sorry Seifer, I beat Steve Orbit and you didn't. Sure it was in a tag match but I'm not a snob. Wins a win. You talked about how you got in Steve Orbit's head so I guess you thinking about that could make you happy. But you didn't get the job done. Hmm.. I'm not doing too well at cheering you up still am I? That's alright Zach.. there's still hope! I have a trump card! To the Playtime Boutique!
Zach: Do we have to?
Narrator: Alex and I walk into the adult store. Because the WCF is filled with perverts and probably watched by perverts I make sure to get a close up on a giant butt plug and some adult videos like Grannies In Action because if you're watching for this that's what you deserve. Alex looks around an amused smile on his face figures he'd be enjoying this.
Zach: C'mon Alex, just do what you're here for.
Richards: As much as I'm enjoying this.. fine.
Narrator: Alex walks over to the clerk.
Richards: I called ahead. You have it right?
Clerk: Holy shit! I thought you were joking. I never thought that was going to sell. You sick bastard you.
Narrator: Alex pulls out and tries to pay with an orange bill.
Clerk: Get out of here with that shit. I knew you was crazy.
Richards: Why does no one like this stuff? Colorful money? Hello! You know what.. I'm giving this orange bill to Seifer. In hopes that monopoly money makes him as happy as it makes me! Do you take cheques?
Zach: I'll pay.
Narrator: I just want to get out of there so I quickly hand the clerk my credit card and he hands Alex a black bag. Alex and I walk out Alex practically giddy with his find.
Richards: If this doesn't cheer Seifer up nothing will! It's perfect! It's absolutely perfect!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the black bag and pulls out... what the serious fuck? He has a blow up doll.. but now just any blow up doll.. it appears to be a giant blow up doll of Sesame Street's famous character... the Cookie Monster! Alex blows up the big blue cookie eating monster as I try not to laugh.
Zach: Cookie Monster?
Richards: COOKIE MONSTER!!!! We all know the truth... Seifer misses Chelsea. So I figured this was the next best thing.
Zach: You know there is actually a line of WCF blow up dolls. You could have gotten him a real Chelsea.. blow up doll that is.
Richards: Yeah but here's the thing. The real Chelsea is much much too good for him. Sure he dumped Chelsea but you know she was going to do it if he didn't. And to be honest... Beckman... Seifer... Chelsea... Lorelei... that shit ain't even close. We all know who got the better end of that deal. So if I got Seifer a Chelsea blow up doll I've seen movies you know the blow up doll would come to life in the middle of the night and it would think I'm way too good for Seifer and leave him.. just like Chelsea. So instead I got him the cookie monster. He's got the blue hair err fur, but he's more on Seifer's level.
Zach: But he is a guy.
Richards: You're right. Be right back..
Narrator: Alex sprints into the yarn barn and returns carrying a pink bow which he attracts to cookie monster's fur.
Richards: Problem solved. So there Seifer be happy. You didn't get the girl, the girl you did get no one else wants, you didn't get the title, you didn't beat Steve Orbit and I did, you didn't beat me for the hardcore title, you aren't going to beat me on Slam. But hey.. you got the cookie monster. And he.. or she is much much better than hanging out with Samuel. So be happy or...
Narrator: Alex reaches into the Santa sack one final time.. at least I think so and pulls out... holy shit a machete!
Richards: This one's for me. Seifer, you think you enjoy dishing out pain don't you? You think you're crazy. Seifer.. I've received and dished out more pain in my lifetime then you can ever imagine! You want to hurt innocent people? Why don't you try hurting me? You couldn't hurt me last time we fought, you couldn't hurt me the first time we fought. But you know I'm sick of you hurting innocent people. I may not be innocent but why don't you try hurting me anyways? It just might work this time. Aren't you sick of fighting people who can't fight back? I'll bet not because they appear to be the only people you can get the better of. So I figure you keep killing and maybe your hardcore champion might pay you a visit. See Seifer, I swing a mean blade and I hear practically killing people totally wins you wrestler of the week!
Zach: That sounds like it's setting a dangerous trend. What are you going to do with all that stuff anyways?
Richards: I thought seeing as you're an WCF cameraman you could give it to Seifer.
Zach: Umm.. yeah that ain't happening.
Richards: I was just screwing with you. We'll mail it.
Zach: I wouldn't think you could send beer in the mail but let's go with it anyways. So are we out?
Richards: Not yet. Seifer, you had one title chance against Steve Orbit. You lost then you never demanded another chance at the world title. You just quit. You had one wife. Things started to go badly then you quit again. Don't blame the world because you're a quitter Seifer. I took on Logan for the hardcore championship and apparently people tell me I lost. I don't entirely believe that but what did I do? Earned another title shot. This time I had Apocalypse beaten and Logan low blowed me from behind and stole my pin. Did I quit then? No, I went into Blast and I won that title. Unlike you Seifer I never quit. That's why when the match is over, you won't be killing the innocent, you'll be crumpled on the mat in pain while I stand over you screaming YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOM!
Fade to Black.
Narrator: Normally I would narrate the beginning of this scene but really there isn't much to be much. Alex and I are in New Jersey we are walking down what appears to be a side street with middle class houses. Actually this is kind of boring. What gives? Doesn't Alex usually have some kind of wacky idea. So I ask him.
Zach: Alex, what are we doing here? Don't you normally have some grand, exciting plan no matter where we go?
Richards: Ha! I knew you liked those! Now that you admitted it I can take things even further than usual!
Zach: Uh oh. What have I done?
Richards: Okay so we're in Jersey right? We gotta hit the Jersey Shore! First off we're going to save Snooki's baby from the tanning beds! Then we going to replace the Jersey boy's steroids with laxatives! It'll be awesome!
Zach: That show has been off the air for years man.
Richards: Yeah but it's a classic New Jersey topic to mock. It's immortally mockable! You know like starting your own cult and claiming it's getting popular.
Zach: I meant to see if you knew who you were facing this week. I guess you heard.
Richards: Seifer for some reason has been claiming he's catching on as a doomsday prophet? Really.. sorry having two people blindly follow you is not an army. It's like claiming the White Stripes were a band. Two people is not a band! Besides there is always some idiots who will follow any moronic trend, including being a doomsday prophet. You see how many followers of the religion of the Giant Spaghetti monster has? And that one is so ridiculous! I mean everyone knows the only good and true cult is the cult of the space camels sucking up all of earth's water!
Zach: Dude! You made that up a few weeks ago.
Richards: That means it comes from a credible source. Besides if Seifer's little cult had any real power why is our match this week non title? Probably because the only people who support Seifer's kooky little doomsday device are even weirder, and crazier than I am! That's right.. you are actually considered too nutso for the higher ups to even think of giving you a chance to be in the ultimate showdown. That's right.. you're even considered insane compared to me. I'm almost impressed. Wait a second I don't get it. You think people follow your words? People don't even understand your words. And as for your actions? What actions? Really what have you done? Anything? Anything at all! To be honest I'm confused. Why isn't this is a hardcore title match I mean it isn't like there is any chance some fourth rate David Keresh is going to take the hardcore title from me anyways!
Zach: How do you know how David Keresh is?
Richards: I happen to be a fan of Kool Aid.
Narrator: Alex was going to continue on his rant when he notices a cargo van painted gold pulling up.
Richard: Oh shit..
Zach: What's wrong?
Narrator: The van stops and Alex immediately slugs the burly driver of the van the second he opened the door. The sliding side door opens and Alex grabs the first guy out and slams his head against the second of the van several times. A third man hops out carrying a taser. But Alex spins and boots him directly in the face then curb stomps him on the curb.
Zach: Dude, you just assaulted three men! What the hell was that all about. Umm behind you!
Narrator: Alex turns only to eat a lead pipe directly to the throat by the fourth man who hopped out the back doors of the van. He picks up the taser and uses it on Alex before tossing him in the back. The other hired thugs get up now looking various forms of hurt. The man who drove the van has to help up the guy who got curb stomped. The person who got bounced off the van several times is bleeding badly from the back of the head.
Driver: Why did you do that? We were just here to pick you up. Hey you with the camera. Get in the van NOW! No use letting you go to the police now is there?
Narrator: I get into the back of the van where Alex has already been tossed into the caged portion of the van. The van begins to drive and I get the impression these goons aren't very smart so I turn the camera back on and talk to Alex who now looks a mixture of angry, upset, disgusted, and distressed.
Zach:(whispering) You're facing Seifer Black this week and he likes to kidnap, torture and kill people. You did say he didn't have the guts to do it to anyone who can fight back. You think he called our bluff.
Richards: I wish this was Seifer. No, these people make Seifer look like a saint. Seifer might like to torture people but these people make it an art form. They are truly sick Zach. I knew being so close to New York might lead to this. This is why I don't fear people like Seifer. They want to make you think they are evil so badly. If you are truly evil.. you don't need to say it, you don't need to slaughter people to prove it. You just are.
Zach: You're scaring me Alex.
Richards: Don't worry Zach. They don't want you. Unless they want you to document it. They do enjoy the press.
Narrator: The van finally stops and the goons open the door and lead Alex and myself out of the van. I look at see the gaudiest sight I have ever sense. This may be the largest home I have ever seen. Five stories high with classic antique looking windows and ledges and ungodly ugly looking golden colored brick. Someone is trying way too hard. The hired thugs finally remember they have real weapons and one points a gun at Alex and myself and motion for us to walk towards the building. We silently walk through the gold painted French doors and down a hallway past an assortment of art which appears to have no rhythm or reason to it probably besides being expensive. We get onto an elevator and one of the goons presses the fifth floor before leaving us to go up... We reach the fifth floor and are in a massive office. The largest desk I have ever seen dominates the room and there are two people staring at us with very obviously fake smiles. Both appear to be in their 50s. The man has short graying hair, a graying goatee, and looks to be in shape but the kind of shape that probably means he spent 6 figures on a personal trainer. He is wearing an expensive suit tailored to his body. The female a blonde lady appears to be trying way too hard to stay young, obviously having underwent far too many procedures looks absolutely artificial.
Richards: BARBIE!!!!!
Narrator: Alex rushes over and bear hugs the lady who looks on in distaste as he rumples her obviously expensive looking red dress.
Lady: Get off me. This is French silk. Do you know how expensive it is?
Richards: Silk right.. that's worms eh Barbie? I can go out to the garden and get some more worms no problem!
Man: Don't call your mother Barbie.
Richards: But she looks like a Barbie doll! And come to think of it, you look like a wannabe Dos Equis man pops!
Father: Please be serious Alexander.
Richards: I'm Alex. Alexander is my father, actually Alexander was the mail man. I do wish he was my father though.
Father: ENOUGH I AM YOUR FATHER AND I DEMAND RESPECT!
Richards: You mean the kind of respect you get by kidnapping someone?
Mother: You beat up our business associates quite badly son. I don't how why we had to send them to get you. You know the door is always open to visit on your own son.
Richards: I'm not your son! Don't try and play that card.
Father: Yes you are son. Your mother and I are here to try and help make your life better. We have so much and we would like to help our only child.
Richards: I know the kind of help you gave me..
Narrator: I don't say anything but quite frankly I'm shocked. Alex is normally pretty easy going even when he's angry. But perhaps what the mad doctor said about Alex's background could be true. Before anything else can be said Alex's father reaches under his desk and pulls out a large briefcase, he opens it up revealing more money than I will ever make in my life time.
Father: I think it's time you give up wrestling Alex and find something more suitable to your talents.
Richards: I know where you got that money. I don't want it!
Mother: Alex dear, take the money, you're embarrassing us. We see you on television every week and people know you are our son. And you.. kidnap geisha girls, vandalize buildings, take drugs and alcohol. You bring shame upon us!
Richards: You should see what I'm doing this next. Zach and I are going to get your personal painter to draw pictures of your face dear old dad on my ass, and Barbie's face on Zach's then we are going to moon the audience live on television and speak from the heart Ace Ventura style!
Zach: Normally I wouldn't be a part of this but you know what.. Great idea Alex!
Mother: But look at the shame you're bringing to your parents. You're breaking our hearts. Please Alexander honey, take the money, retire, quit wrestling, we want you to be happy. Move.. say to Switzerland. It's lovely this time of year.. truly lovely.
Richards: you know what's truly lovely? Having parents who ignore you and let you get raised by the television. Smokey the Bear taught me to be afraid of forest fires... I want to start fires damnit! And then Barney the dinosaur sang I love you.. you love me. I'm still afraid of the color purple. And you.. offer me money? Keep your money I don't want it.
Father: You don't want money. Fine, think about this. I know you're facing a gentlemen this week Seifer Black who enjoy killing people who look like his opponents. Do you really want that on your conscience. I mean.. he could kill these people...
Narrator: Alex's awful father claps his hands. And 6 men walk into the room wearing black robes. All of them have shaved heads, and eye make up. They all of course look just like Uncle Fester from the Addams' Family.
Fester 1: Dude, great costume Alex. Where'd you get that make up?
Richards: I don't wear make up.
Fester 2: You're good!
Mother: Think about it love. Seifer could kill one... or.. two.. or all 6 of these beautiful people. You could stop it though. All you have to do is quit wrestling. Then Seifer has no reason to kill.
Zach: Don't dude.. they are messing with your head.
Narrator: Alex looks conflicted. Then he calls a huddle. He and the Uncle Festers get in close then break. The Festers run from the room and come back with props. Two of the Festers attempt to light up light bulbs by putting them in their mouths. Another Fester screws a fourth Fester's head in with a large, obviously fake vice.
Father: Very funny. Don't you take anything serious?
Richards: This is serious..
Narrator: Alex motions to the final two Festers both of whom are lighting sticks of dynamite.
Mother: You are mad. Let's go Charles.
Father: Quite right Tabitha. This place is ensured anyways. Feel free to stay Alexander.
Narrator: The two cowardly parents run out of the room and towards the elevator as Alex grins and laughs.
Zach: That's fake dynamite right?
Richards: It's not fake, it's a prop. Now we take the stairs. But first..
Narrator: Alex opens up the briefcase and pulls out one of the large bundles of money. He starts to close it then stops and grabs a second which he sticks down his pants, wipes his rear with then returns to the case.
Richards: There, now it looks as dirty as it is. Sad thing is bet they still spend it.
Narrator: Alex, the Festers, and I take the long winding staircase out the back entrance of the mansion where Alex's black van is waiting.
Zach: Why is your van here?
Richards: You had to know they'd want me to get out quick if I took their money. No way I'm leaving my van behind. I mean duh, it's awesome. No amount of money would make me leave that. Speaking of money.
Narrator: Alex hands the large stack of bills to one of the Festers.
Richards: You guys should probably get out of here. You don't want Seifer to get you.
Fester 3: What about you?
Richards: I can handle Seifer Black. Don't worry boys before the week is over I'll have stopped Seifer from ever maiming anymore innocent folks again.. one way or another.
Narrator: The Fester's eyes light up at the money and son of a gun one even makes the light bulb in their mouth light up. The impersonators quickly take off leaving me and Alex.
Zach: What now?
Richards: I promised I was going to end Seifer Black's reign of terror. So what now... road trip of course.
Narrator: Alex's black van pulls into the parking lot of a Burger King, a Yarn Barn.. nope with my luck we are definitely going to the third store, a classy establishment named the Playtime Boutique.
Zach: Far be it for me to act like a prude by why exactly are we hanging out in this parking lot? Um.. you do realize where we are right?
Richards: The Playtime Boutique of course! I mean they have swings right?
Zach: Yeah but not the kind you're thinking of...
Richards: Dude, I'm just messing with you. This is part of my master plan. See I want to stop Seifer from killing those poor Uncle Fester impersonators, or anyone else for that matter. So I have me a plan.
Zach: This should worry me shouldn't it?
Richards: C'mon Zach have a little faith will you... Now I need you to get out of the van so I can change.
Narrator: I get out of the van quickly. I don't know what Alex is going to do but really I'm hoping he takes off and leaves me in the parking lot. After a minute or two Alex opens swinging side panel of the van and hops out carrying a sack and wearing a Santa Claus suit.
Zach: Dear lord I hoped you burned that.
Richards: You were the one who wanted me to burn it. But I said it would have another use and here we are. You see Seifer Black has been expressing himself in a very hostile way as of late. Either the boy has been watching too Saw or he's just plain sad. I swear I heard him weeping last week. I thought I saw him singing that classic Hank Williams song I'm so lonesome I could cry. I even saw him penning a letter to Ann Landers and one to her sister Dear Abby. Dude is depressed. So I thought to myself if only I can cheer up Seifer maybe he'll stop slaughtering people. Because to be honest I'd feel kind of guilty if he slaughtered someone who sort of looked like me. I mean they already look like me haven't they suffered enough? So I thought to myself what cheers me up? Presents of course! So I went ahead and dressed up because what's better than presents? Presents from Santa of course! Plus I still had the costume left over from my trip to Santa's village last week.
Zach: You could have washed it. It still smells like elf vomit.
Richards: Adds to the autheticity my friend. Now I've spent all week thinking up presents, special presents, just for you Seifer! The very things that just scream Seifer Black. The things you would need in life to make you happy! So without further ado..
Narrator: Alex reaches into the santa's sack and pulls out... the XWCWF women's championship!
Zach: Shouldn't you have gotten a replica WCF belt?
Richards: No, that would be cheap. This is a real wrestling company's championship. I was thinking of getting a WCF title belt but then I thought nah Seifer should aim lower. Then I was thinking of getting another company's world title. I mean they aren't as good as the WCF right? But nah, Seifer should aim lower. I mean that's the key to not being disappointed right? So then I learned this title belt was held by such all stars as Beverly Hills and the Ultimate Bitch! And I thought now there's a title belt Seifer could handle! I mean I think part of the reason Seifer is sad is because he doesn't have a title belt. I mean he's been here since September of last year. Where's your title belt? I asked around and apparently you've never had one! No wonder you're so sad! I mean I can relate. I've been here since this March and wait a minute I have a title belt. I'll bet that makes you sad too. I mean you probably think you're better than me since you did win the two girls one cup. But really you weren't even the better girl. I mean sure you beat Chelsea but look at all the gold she's won around here. Your win was probably a fluke. And if that makes you sad, just think about Arabella Montgomery. She had three matches and won a title. Hmm.. maybe I shouldn't have bought you the women's title off of eBay. So many women are better than you you're probably feeling inadequate. I should have bought you the XWCWF hardcore championship. I mean that'll be as close to beating a hardcore champion as you're going to get right Seifer? You think this is working Zach?
Zach: Somehow I doubt it.
Richards: That's okay Zach. There are plenty of items left in the bag. Like these..
Narrator: Alex reaches into his santa's sack and pulls out.. a pair of pink wrestling tights.
Richards: I got these from another wrestler in the locker room. He swears they used to belong to Steven Osbourne. I think you need to update your look. That whole gothic tortured soul thing, it's so mid 90s man. Next thing you know you're going to change your nickname from the Doomsday Prophet to “The Cutter”. You don't wanna do that man. That certainly won't make you happy. I think these new cheerful tights is just the thing to make you a new, better, happier person!
Zach: Why are they so stiff? It's like they've been used by some of the patrons of that store.
Richards: They do have a salty smell... Gross, that's not the kind of hardcore I like. But Seifer even if I don't want to wear them. Maybe you shouldn't I doubt crabs make you any happier. Wait a sec, if you have crabs you won't be able to kill anyone while getting treatment so wear away! But even if you don't I suggest brightening up your wardrobe. Plus, I hear those things are great for absorbing tears.
Zach: Any women who slept with Steven Osbourne would definitely be in need of a good cry.
Narrator: Alex, thankfully puts down the nasty, disgusting tights and pulls out the next item. A can of Natural Ice beer.
Richards: Don't worry I didn't cheap out. I have the whole 30 cans of Natty Ice for you. I believe you pound back about 20 or so of those and you might start acting more like... umm. Sorry that's probably a sore spot. But you know, they might make you more attractive to you know who. Actually you might want to give Chelsea the beer. If SHE drinks the whole 30 she might start finding you attractive again. Of course she might also die of alcohol poisoning which let's be honest that would definitely be better than being married to Seifer. Although that might actually make Seifer happy. He could claim to have killed his ex wife and maybe he'd stop killing innocent people. Then my tag partner from last week would probably kill me and him. All that talk about death is kinda bumming me out. So actually it's only a 29 pack now.. sorry. This one is about making me happy. Hey, alcohol totally works in making you happy. Score!
Narrator: Alex drinks down the can of Natural Ice quickly, then busts the can on his head. He then reaches back into the santa sack and grabs the next item... a pair of glasses made out of glass from beer bottles.
Richards: That's right. These are the famous beer goggles. Now I thought what you're thinking Seifer.. I always think Lorelei is attractive why would I need beer bottles. Now while that is cause to get your vision checked that does mean you don't need beer goggles to be happy. These are for Lorelei. I mean this week at Slam I am going to beat you very very badly. You will be bruised, you will be bloodied, you may even be scarred. But give these glasses to Lorelei and she'll still think you're attractive.. somehow. But you know I am concerned about your relationship. So I have another gift for you.
Zach: Can I try on those beer goggles I want to see if they make you appear any smarter.
Narrator: I try on the goggles as Alex goes back to his sack and selects another item.. a shiny red apple.
Zach: The goggles don't work because I can't possibly see why an apple is now in your hands.
Richards: Simple Zach, Seifer clearly wouldn't be happy if he's dating a tranny like I suspected he was. So he takes this apple right and holds it up to Lorelei's neck.. if she's got an apple that matches this.. he's got himself a tranny and should run. Or you know kill her or something. Damnit, sorry I'm trying to get Seifer away from the whole killing thing. I mean umm.. shake his hand, walk away, and eat the apple. Because apples are delicious. I wish I bought more than one apple actually. Okay Seifer, you can have the apple. You're not going to beat the hardcore champion, I don't think your girl is really a girl but you got good eats. So umm at least that's something right? OH wait.. wait.. I got another gift for you.. I made this one myself..
Narrator: Alex looks proud of himself and plays out what looks like a child's, and not even a particularly gifted child, mobile of the earth and moon with a mini WCF world title belt floating.
Zach: You're actually proud of that?
Richards: Hell yeah, it's the earth and the moon and a title belt in Orbit. Get it?
Zach: That is clever for you.
Richards: I remember last time I faced Seifer and he was so proud about the fact he took Steve Orbit to the limit. He was so proud Steve Orbit couldn't pin him, or make him submit. But you know I faced Steve Orbit a few weeks ago. I also took Steve Orbit to the limit. When that match ended Steve Obit couldn't pin me or make me submit. But there was one difference. When the match was over I got my hand raised. Did Seifer get his hand raised after the match with Orbit?
Zach: He did not.
Richards: Sorry Seifer, I beat Steve Orbit and you didn't. Sure it was in a tag match but I'm not a snob. Wins a win. You talked about how you got in Steve Orbit's head so I guess you thinking about that could make you happy. But you didn't get the job done. Hmm.. I'm not doing too well at cheering you up still am I? That's alright Zach.. there's still hope! I have a trump card! To the Playtime Boutique!
Zach: Do we have to?
Narrator: Alex and I walk into the adult store. Because the WCF is filled with perverts and probably watched by perverts I make sure to get a close up on a giant butt plug and some adult videos like Grannies In Action because if you're watching for this that's what you deserve. Alex looks around an amused smile on his face figures he'd be enjoying this.
Zach: C'mon Alex, just do what you're here for.
Richards: As much as I'm enjoying this.. fine.
Narrator: Alex walks over to the clerk.
Richards: I called ahead. You have it right?
Clerk: Holy shit! I thought you were joking. I never thought that was going to sell. You sick bastard you.
Narrator: Alex pulls out and tries to pay with an orange bill.
Clerk: Get out of here with that shit. I knew you was crazy.
Richards: Why does no one like this stuff? Colorful money? Hello! You know what.. I'm giving this orange bill to Seifer. In hopes that monopoly money makes him as happy as it makes me! Do you take cheques?
Zach: I'll pay.
Narrator: I just want to get out of there so I quickly hand the clerk my credit card and he hands Alex a black bag. Alex and I walk out Alex practically giddy with his find.
Richards: If this doesn't cheer Seifer up nothing will! It's perfect! It's absolutely perfect!
Narrator: Alex reaches into the black bag and pulls out... what the serious fuck? He has a blow up doll.. but now just any blow up doll.. it appears to be a giant blow up doll of Sesame Street's famous character... the Cookie Monster! Alex blows up the big blue cookie eating monster as I try not to laugh.
Zach: Cookie Monster?
Richards: COOKIE MONSTER!!!! We all know the truth... Seifer misses Chelsea. So I figured this was the next best thing.
Zach: You know there is actually a line of WCF blow up dolls. You could have gotten him a real Chelsea.. blow up doll that is.
Richards: Yeah but here's the thing. The real Chelsea is much much too good for him. Sure he dumped Chelsea but you know she was going to do it if he didn't. And to be honest... Beckman... Seifer... Chelsea... Lorelei... that shit ain't even close. We all know who got the better end of that deal. So if I got Seifer a Chelsea blow up doll I've seen movies you know the blow up doll would come to life in the middle of the night and it would think I'm way too good for Seifer and leave him.. just like Chelsea. So instead I got him the cookie monster. He's got the blue hair err fur, but he's more on Seifer's level.
Zach: But he is a guy.
Richards: You're right. Be right back..
Narrator: Alex sprints into the yarn barn and returns carrying a pink bow which he attracts to cookie monster's fur.
Richards: Problem solved. So there Seifer be happy. You didn't get the girl, the girl you did get no one else wants, you didn't get the title, you didn't beat Steve Orbit and I did, you didn't beat me for the hardcore title, you aren't going to beat me on Slam. But hey.. you got the cookie monster. And he.. or she is much much better than hanging out with Samuel. So be happy or...
Narrator: Alex reaches into the Santa sack one final time.. at least I think so and pulls out... holy shit a machete!
Richards: This one's for me. Seifer, you think you enjoy dishing out pain don't you? You think you're crazy. Seifer.. I've received and dished out more pain in my lifetime then you can ever imagine! You want to hurt innocent people? Why don't you try hurting me? You couldn't hurt me last time we fought, you couldn't hurt me the first time we fought. But you know I'm sick of you hurting innocent people. I may not be innocent but why don't you try hurting me anyways? It just might work this time. Aren't you sick of fighting people who can't fight back? I'll bet not because they appear to be the only people you can get the better of. So I figure you keep killing and maybe your hardcore champion might pay you a visit. See Seifer, I swing a mean blade and I hear practically killing people totally wins you wrestler of the week!
Zach: That sounds like it's setting a dangerous trend. What are you going to do with all that stuff anyways?
Richards: I thought seeing as you're an WCF cameraman you could give it to Seifer.
Zach: Umm.. yeah that ain't happening.
Richards: I was just screwing with you. We'll mail it.
Zach: I wouldn't think you could send beer in the mail but let's go with it anyways. So are we out?
Richards: Not yet. Seifer, you had one title chance against Steve Orbit. You lost then you never demanded another chance at the world title. You just quit. You had one wife. Things started to go badly then you quit again. Don't blame the world because you're a quitter Seifer. I took on Logan for the hardcore championship and apparently people tell me I lost. I don't entirely believe that but what did I do? Earned another title shot. This time I had Apocalypse beaten and Logan low blowed me from behind and stole my pin. Did I quit then? No, I went into Blast and I won that title. Unlike you Seifer I never quit. That's why when the match is over, you won't be killing the innocent, you'll be crumpled on the mat in pain while I stand over you screaming YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOM!
Fade to Black.
