Post by Alex Richards on Jun 22, 2014 11:39:17 GMT -5
Narrator: What the hell? I'm Shaun Zach but I'm actually not Shaun Zach apparently I am now narrating in Alex Richards dreams. Seriously? The real life Alex is strange enough but I really didn't want to know what's in my dreams. His mind probably doesn't even get my character right. Why am I ranting for no good reason? Does he think this is entertaining? It certainly isn't furthering anything. Find, I'll just describe the action and hope it's over soon. Oh my god! I no longer want to narrate the action. I see what appears to be an ancient version of Alex Richards with a short white goatee and is he wearing depends and nothing else.. wait a minute he's wearing a depends thong? What? He appears to be singing,,,
Richards: I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to be show it I'm Sexy and I know it! I'm sexy and I know it! Wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah! Depends thong.. you're sexy at any age!
Narrator: No, you're not. I'm glad this was just a dream or I wouldn't be able to unsee it. Hey it looks like there's another dream on the horizon. Please tell me this one isn't going to feature him in a vat of baby oil or something. God, what if that was my dream? It looks like we are near the smoker's pit in a high school this time. I didn't think they had those anymore. There is a group of about 5 teenagers standing, smoking, as to be expected. That explains it, here comes what appears to be a teenaged, 13 or 14 year old version of Alexander Richards. He walks over with a slight cut on his cheek, and bruised and blood looking knuckles. Alex smiles and walks towards the group. A blonde teen who appears to be the leader nods to his friends then turns to Alex.
Blonde: So did you do it?
Narrator: Alexander grins again.
Richards: Easy. Wasn't even a challenge. Even gave him a few extra shots while I was down just for you.
Brunette Kid: Good work man. Knew we could count on you.
Richards: So... um.. what are we doing now?
Narrator: The blonde boy winks to his friends then speaks.
Blonde: Well Alexander, I was thinking it would be bad ass to get tattoos.
Richards: Yeah man.. that would be awesome.
Blonde: We were thinking getting a tattoo of Bart Simpson getting choked by Homer would be so cool.
Richards: That would be!
Blonde: But if I got it my folks would kill me. But you're a bad ass. You could totally get away with it.
Richards: Absolutely.
Blonde: Go to it man. It'll be awesome.
Narrator: Poor Alexander walks off, obviously trying and failing to belong. Not a clue as the kids laugh to themselves as he walks away.
Brunette kid number 2: Think he'll do it?
Blonde: Who cares? It got rid of him didn't it?
Brunette Kid: What a freak!
Blonde Kid: Yeah but he's useful. Can't make money without a monster as your enforcer. And he certainly is a monster.
Narrator: Dream Sequence number three is about to start. Oh hell no! Wake up Wake up! Wake up!
Narrator: Shawn Zach here Alex Richards asked me to meet him at the post office. I don't have a clue as to why but that's Alex for ya. And here he comes roaring up, breaking speed limits as usual in his black van. You know with the amount of pills and Zim-Quila he consumes you'd think he would take it easier. He hops out of the van looking excited. Let's see what he thinking shall we? Well it's my job...
Zach: Hey Alex you look in a better mood this week.
Richards: I had this awesome dream.
Zach: That's good. I was worried about you last week.
Richards: Yeah I was modelling for the Depends thong. So I went ahead and trademarked that shit. You never know what can make you money.
Zach: If you ever made a lot of money what exactly would you do with it?
Richards: Two words... Zim-Quila fountain! I would make it flow into a man made river and stock in with the drunkest, happiest fish ever!
Zach: I had to ask didn't I?
Richards: But that's not really why I'm happy Zach! Oh no, I'm happy because my talents have finally been recognized. And I have been invited to join the greatest group in wrestling history, The Pantheon!
Zach: Say what?
Richards: I'm teaming up with former world champion Jeff Purse so I'm in!
Zach: The fact you got randomly paired with..
Richards: Random! Hell no! There's nothing random about it! They chose me! The most elite and successful wrestling group in the world chose me!
Zach: I don't think..
Richards: C'mon inside. I'll prove it to you!
Narrator: Alex practically floats his way up to the front counter and addresses the man behind it. )
Richards: Package for the newest member of Pantheon!
Man: Ah hear it is mate.
Narrator: Alex goes into his wallet and pulls out 5 blue 50 dollar bills. This isn't going to end well.
Man: Is this is a joke? We don't accept monopoly money!
Richards: Here too? I thought you guys were cool. Zach, I'm tapped out could you handle this?
Narrator: I really shouldn't have but I was curious as to what Alex was about to receive so I forked over the cash.
Richards: Don't worry Zach now that I'm in Pantheon I'll be raking in the big bucks and I'll be able to pay you back in no time.
Zach: You're not in Pantheon! You just happen to be teaming with them!
Richards: Why then did I get a package addressed to Pantheon's newest member eh Zach?
Zach: Because that's how you wanted it addressed?
Richards: Oh yeah.. and they did it. So there! Besides when I open the package up you'll eat your words.
Narrator: The man comes back and hands Alex a box then quickly leaves. Apparently he's had enough of Alex already. If I could be so lucky... Alex unwraps the package and immediately turn his back to me putting on a black t shirt.
Zach: Getting a Pantheon shirt proves nothing.
Richards: I wouldn't do that Zach. Nope.. I got this t shirt in honour of the great Jayson Price..
Zach: Oh my god! Where's the hell did you find that?
Narrator: Alex turns around and somewhere, somehow he found a t shirt with the slogan Welcome to the World's Biggest Buttrape Federation.
Zach: That doesn't do anything besides make you look like you should be on to catch a predator!
Richards: Well how about this.
Narrator: Alex hands me a card that states official member of Pantheon. Well it did say official member of Pantheon fan club but it appears to have been crossed out with magic marker.
Zach:(sarcastically) Oh, this totally proves it.
Richards: I knew you'd see things logically eventually Zach. Now there's only one question.
Zach: Just one?
Richards: This weekend Jeff Purse and I are going to beat the Shadow Demons so badly it would only make sense that we remain a team. So the question is.. what should our team name be?
Zach: Only in Your Mind?
Richards: I don't get it. I was thinking something more along the lines of Purse-onal Heroes.
Zach: Future Insanity?
Richards: That's not bad actually. The Cousin It Factor?
Zach: That doesn't make sense. You don't look like Cousin It. You look more like Uncle Fester if we're being honest.
Richards: I know. I couldn't think of a good name around it though. The Future Tag Team champions of the world?
Zach: It makes sense which is rare for you. But it's lame.
Richards: You do better.
Zach: Those two guys who will never be stablemates but will beat the Shadow Demons.
Richards: That just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I got it.. The Purse Snatchers!
Zach: How did you come up with that?
Richards: His last name is Purse and I was watching a porno last night.
Zach: That's actually so much more disturbing than I originally thought.
Richards: You find a lot of good stuff in dumpsters. For example.. burrito?
Zach: Did you really just hand me a burrito you got from a dumpster.
Richards: No, of course not. I was joking.
Zach: Good. Hey that burrito isn't half bad.
Richards: Ha! Totally got from a dumpster.
Zach: Why'd you do that?
Richards: Pantheon is always mean to their cameraman. I wanted to fit the profile.
Zach: They also win almost all of their matches so I suggest you focus on your opponents.
Richards: Good idea. I sort of feel bad for pranking you now.
Zach: As well you should. That thing could have gone bad.
Richards: The rat that was eating the other end of it was fine.
Zach: Ewww gross.
Richards: Just joking. It died. Fine, I bought the burrito from 7-11.
Zach: I don't think there are any 7-11s in Australia Wait, weren’t you going to talk about your match?
Richards: I was but I've been putting it off because Night Rider and Denise D'Evil make me angry. The Night Rider has a talking car! Denise is basically a female version of the Highlander! Dammit why they do they get to have all the fun? I want to be an 80s tv show too dammit! Why should they get to live out my dreams?
Zach: You're right. You could totally be your own 80s tv show.
Narrator: I go over and whisper something in Alex's ear. He grins.. then the screen goes to black. It comes back on with Alex wearing a god awful ugly orange fur coat and a carrot on his nose.
Richards: This right world, this is a treat for you. Directly from the planet Melmac it is I.. Alf Richards! I travelled millions of light years for one reason and one reason only. To end the long life of Denise D'Evil. With this giant nose I will blow her directly off of earth and into the sun with one giant sneeze! Ha ha ha! I kill me! And then as for Night Rider I will grab control of the wheels of his car and due to the fact aliens can't drive I will crash both of us directly into a wall! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to show my superior alien skills by doing the one thing the original Alf never could. Finally eat a damn cat!
Narrator: Alf, er Alex Richards proceeds to pounce on his poor, helpless stuffed cat, Komotose Kitty. But I couldn't help but laugh.
Zach: It's not from the 80s but in the words of Red Foreman You're a dumb ass!
Richards: Oh yeah well I wish I was an octopus so I could put 8 different feet in 8 different asses. One is yours, one is Night Riders, one is Denise D'Evils one is Jay Omega just because I want to see if that rumour about him stuffing glass up there is true, and I don't know what I'm doing with the others!
Zach: Totally got you back for the burrito prank.
Richards: Show what you know. That Alf interview was gold. Well at least silver. You couldn't do better.
Zach: Challenge accepted. Shadow Demons. You are neither demons nor um.. shadows. Your name is stupid. Even stupider than some of the names Alex came up with earlier tonight. And that's a hard time to do. Really really hard to do. You may be smarter than Alex. You may have more wins than Alex. You may be the favourites. But you aren't going to win. Because I'm friends with Alex and won't pick against him.
Richards: Way to finish strong there Zach.
Zach: Hey I said you were going to win and their name was dumb. I got some things right. Besides I'm not a wrestler. I'm not supposed to cut promos. What's your excuse?
Richards: Post concussion syndrome. Possible acquired brain injury. I drank too much Zim-Quila. That's a laugh there is no such thing. I don't know what was in the bottle of pills I had for breakfast. I could be insane.
Zach: Okay fine. You have better excuses.
Richards: And with my new found confidence as the newest member of Pantheon I know I can do better than you Zach and I'll prove it.
Zach: Uh oh.
Narrator: Alex thinks for a minute.. literally a minute then takes a breathe and begins to speak.
Richards: So Night Rider, I hope for your sake you are focused this week. I mean c'mon now a lack of focus against two men as talented as myself and Jeff Purse is far too big of a mistake to allow you to walk away with a victory. I know you're worried about Denise's health. And apparently gods of fire and some guy named Lucian? Perhaps you're in need of a mental health day my friend. You show up this Sunday not focused on our match and you might be forced to take one in a hospital. I'm not threatening you just stating the truth. If you show up to fight me focused on everything except our match you're going to pay the ultimate price. You're going to leave with another L on your record. I bet you'll say your record is far superior to mine. It is. But not so much lately. You had a chance to win a shot a t the tag team championships recently. This is something you claim to hold in high regard. But your lack of focus caused you to be defeated by Doc Henry. Now I know Doc's the shit but you seemed to think you were better than him. Then you were proved otherwise. The same thing could happen to you this week. I'll bet you come in respecting the skills of Jeff Purse. But you'll leave with a new found respect for the true hardcore champion, Alex Richards.
Zach: Huh?
Richards: Then we come to Denise D'Evil. The WCF's immortal. Most people would probably be frightened facing an immortal. But not me. Some would say I'm not smart enough to be afraid. They might be right. But I know this, Denise isn't going to step into that ring, pull out that giant sword and decapitate me. So she's just going to fight me like everyone else does. Denise, you were recently out smarted by some random demon. Well I'm no random demon but my goal isn't to kill you. I only have to get the advantage long enough to score myself a three count and exit the ring. Surely I can do that. You're going to say otherwise, but I saw how distracted you were last week. From the tag team championships to losing to Sequitus. You can talk all the trash you want but the fact remains you went from being the tag team champions to being also runs in a matter of weeks. You could say I'm also an also run but there's a difference. I'm on the way up you're on the way down. I pass you this week Denise. Good luck with the demons. But this Demon of the Demented is taking you down this week.
Zach: I can't believe it. You...can..be... serious? And Demon of the Demented is among your better nicknames for yourself.
Richards: When I have to Zach. And this week I have to. I'm not losing again Zach. The Shadows Demons aren't going to cause me to disappoint my new teammates in Pantheon. I hear they throw great victory parties and I'm going to be right there shouting... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: That seriousness certainly didn't last long.
Richards: I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to be show it I'm Sexy and I know it! I'm sexy and I know it! Wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah! Depends thong.. you're sexy at any age!
Narrator: No, you're not. I'm glad this was just a dream or I wouldn't be able to unsee it. Hey it looks like there's another dream on the horizon. Please tell me this one isn't going to feature him in a vat of baby oil or something. God, what if that was my dream? It looks like we are near the smoker's pit in a high school this time. I didn't think they had those anymore. There is a group of about 5 teenagers standing, smoking, as to be expected. That explains it, here comes what appears to be a teenaged, 13 or 14 year old version of Alexander Richards. He walks over with a slight cut on his cheek, and bruised and blood looking knuckles. Alex smiles and walks towards the group. A blonde teen who appears to be the leader nods to his friends then turns to Alex.
Blonde: So did you do it?
Narrator: Alexander grins again.
Richards: Easy. Wasn't even a challenge. Even gave him a few extra shots while I was down just for you.
Brunette Kid: Good work man. Knew we could count on you.
Richards: So... um.. what are we doing now?
Narrator: The blonde boy winks to his friends then speaks.
Blonde: Well Alexander, I was thinking it would be bad ass to get tattoos.
Richards: Yeah man.. that would be awesome.
Blonde: We were thinking getting a tattoo of Bart Simpson getting choked by Homer would be so cool.
Richards: That would be!
Blonde: But if I got it my folks would kill me. But you're a bad ass. You could totally get away with it.
Richards: Absolutely.
Blonde: Go to it man. It'll be awesome.
Narrator: Poor Alexander walks off, obviously trying and failing to belong. Not a clue as the kids laugh to themselves as he walks away.
Brunette kid number 2: Think he'll do it?
Blonde: Who cares? It got rid of him didn't it?
Brunette Kid: What a freak!
Blonde Kid: Yeah but he's useful. Can't make money without a monster as your enforcer. And he certainly is a monster.
Narrator: Dream Sequence number three is about to start. Oh hell no! Wake up Wake up! Wake up!
Narrator: Shawn Zach here Alex Richards asked me to meet him at the post office. I don't have a clue as to why but that's Alex for ya. And here he comes roaring up, breaking speed limits as usual in his black van. You know with the amount of pills and Zim-Quila he consumes you'd think he would take it easier. He hops out of the van looking excited. Let's see what he thinking shall we? Well it's my job...
Zach: Hey Alex you look in a better mood this week.
Richards: I had this awesome dream.
Zach: That's good. I was worried about you last week.
Richards: Yeah I was modelling for the Depends thong. So I went ahead and trademarked that shit. You never know what can make you money.
Zach: If you ever made a lot of money what exactly would you do with it?
Richards: Two words... Zim-Quila fountain! I would make it flow into a man made river and stock in with the drunkest, happiest fish ever!
Zach: I had to ask didn't I?
Richards: But that's not really why I'm happy Zach! Oh no, I'm happy because my talents have finally been recognized. And I have been invited to join the greatest group in wrestling history, The Pantheon!
Zach: Say what?
Richards: I'm teaming up with former world champion Jeff Purse so I'm in!
Zach: The fact you got randomly paired with..
Richards: Random! Hell no! There's nothing random about it! They chose me! The most elite and successful wrestling group in the world chose me!
Zach: I don't think..
Richards: C'mon inside. I'll prove it to you!
Narrator: Alex practically floats his way up to the front counter and addresses the man behind it. )
Richards: Package for the newest member of Pantheon!
Man: Ah hear it is mate.
Narrator: Alex goes into his wallet and pulls out 5 blue 50 dollar bills. This isn't going to end well.
Man: Is this is a joke? We don't accept monopoly money!
Richards: Here too? I thought you guys were cool. Zach, I'm tapped out could you handle this?
Narrator: I really shouldn't have but I was curious as to what Alex was about to receive so I forked over the cash.
Richards: Don't worry Zach now that I'm in Pantheon I'll be raking in the big bucks and I'll be able to pay you back in no time.
Zach: You're not in Pantheon! You just happen to be teaming with them!
Richards: Why then did I get a package addressed to Pantheon's newest member eh Zach?
Zach: Because that's how you wanted it addressed?
Richards: Oh yeah.. and they did it. So there! Besides when I open the package up you'll eat your words.
Narrator: The man comes back and hands Alex a box then quickly leaves. Apparently he's had enough of Alex already. If I could be so lucky... Alex unwraps the package and immediately turn his back to me putting on a black t shirt.
Zach: Getting a Pantheon shirt proves nothing.
Richards: I wouldn't do that Zach. Nope.. I got this t shirt in honour of the great Jayson Price..
Zach: Oh my god! Where's the hell did you find that?
Narrator: Alex turns around and somewhere, somehow he found a t shirt with the slogan Welcome to the World's Biggest Buttrape Federation.
Zach: That doesn't do anything besides make you look like you should be on to catch a predator!
Richards: Well how about this.
Narrator: Alex hands me a card that states official member of Pantheon. Well it did say official member of Pantheon fan club but it appears to have been crossed out with magic marker.
Zach:(sarcastically) Oh, this totally proves it.
Richards: I knew you'd see things logically eventually Zach. Now there's only one question.
Zach: Just one?
Richards: This weekend Jeff Purse and I are going to beat the Shadow Demons so badly it would only make sense that we remain a team. So the question is.. what should our team name be?
Zach: Only in Your Mind?
Richards: I don't get it. I was thinking something more along the lines of Purse-onal Heroes.
Zach: Future Insanity?
Richards: That's not bad actually. The Cousin It Factor?
Zach: That doesn't make sense. You don't look like Cousin It. You look more like Uncle Fester if we're being honest.
Richards: I know. I couldn't think of a good name around it though. The Future Tag Team champions of the world?
Zach: It makes sense which is rare for you. But it's lame.
Richards: You do better.
Zach: Those two guys who will never be stablemates but will beat the Shadow Demons.
Richards: That just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I got it.. The Purse Snatchers!
Zach: How did you come up with that?
Richards: His last name is Purse and I was watching a porno last night.
Zach: That's actually so much more disturbing than I originally thought.
Richards: You find a lot of good stuff in dumpsters. For example.. burrito?
Zach: Did you really just hand me a burrito you got from a dumpster.
Richards: No, of course not. I was joking.
Zach: Good. Hey that burrito isn't half bad.
Richards: Ha! Totally got from a dumpster.
Zach: Why'd you do that?
Richards: Pantheon is always mean to their cameraman. I wanted to fit the profile.
Zach: They also win almost all of their matches so I suggest you focus on your opponents.
Richards: Good idea. I sort of feel bad for pranking you now.
Zach: As well you should. That thing could have gone bad.
Richards: The rat that was eating the other end of it was fine.
Zach: Ewww gross.
Richards: Just joking. It died. Fine, I bought the burrito from 7-11.
Zach: I don't think there are any 7-11s in Australia Wait, weren’t you going to talk about your match?
Richards: I was but I've been putting it off because Night Rider and Denise D'Evil make me angry. The Night Rider has a talking car! Denise is basically a female version of the Highlander! Dammit why they do they get to have all the fun? I want to be an 80s tv show too dammit! Why should they get to live out my dreams?
Zach: You're right. You could totally be your own 80s tv show.
Narrator: I go over and whisper something in Alex's ear. He grins.. then the screen goes to black. It comes back on with Alex wearing a god awful ugly orange fur coat and a carrot on his nose.
Richards: This right world, this is a treat for you. Directly from the planet Melmac it is I.. Alf Richards! I travelled millions of light years for one reason and one reason only. To end the long life of Denise D'Evil. With this giant nose I will blow her directly off of earth and into the sun with one giant sneeze! Ha ha ha! I kill me! And then as for Night Rider I will grab control of the wheels of his car and due to the fact aliens can't drive I will crash both of us directly into a wall! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to show my superior alien skills by doing the one thing the original Alf never could. Finally eat a damn cat!
Narrator: Alf, er Alex Richards proceeds to pounce on his poor, helpless stuffed cat, Komotose Kitty. But I couldn't help but laugh.
Zach: It's not from the 80s but in the words of Red Foreman You're a dumb ass!
Richards: Oh yeah well I wish I was an octopus so I could put 8 different feet in 8 different asses. One is yours, one is Night Riders, one is Denise D'Evils one is Jay Omega just because I want to see if that rumour about him stuffing glass up there is true, and I don't know what I'm doing with the others!
Zach: Totally got you back for the burrito prank.
Richards: Show what you know. That Alf interview was gold. Well at least silver. You couldn't do better.
Zach: Challenge accepted. Shadow Demons. You are neither demons nor um.. shadows. Your name is stupid. Even stupider than some of the names Alex came up with earlier tonight. And that's a hard time to do. Really really hard to do. You may be smarter than Alex. You may have more wins than Alex. You may be the favourites. But you aren't going to win. Because I'm friends with Alex and won't pick against him.
Richards: Way to finish strong there Zach.
Zach: Hey I said you were going to win and their name was dumb. I got some things right. Besides I'm not a wrestler. I'm not supposed to cut promos. What's your excuse?
Richards: Post concussion syndrome. Possible acquired brain injury. I drank too much Zim-Quila. That's a laugh there is no such thing. I don't know what was in the bottle of pills I had for breakfast. I could be insane.
Zach: Okay fine. You have better excuses.
Richards: And with my new found confidence as the newest member of Pantheon I know I can do better than you Zach and I'll prove it.
Zach: Uh oh.
Narrator: Alex thinks for a minute.. literally a minute then takes a breathe and begins to speak.
Richards: So Night Rider, I hope for your sake you are focused this week. I mean c'mon now a lack of focus against two men as talented as myself and Jeff Purse is far too big of a mistake to allow you to walk away with a victory. I know you're worried about Denise's health. And apparently gods of fire and some guy named Lucian? Perhaps you're in need of a mental health day my friend. You show up this Sunday not focused on our match and you might be forced to take one in a hospital. I'm not threatening you just stating the truth. If you show up to fight me focused on everything except our match you're going to pay the ultimate price. You're going to leave with another L on your record. I bet you'll say your record is far superior to mine. It is. But not so much lately. You had a chance to win a shot a t the tag team championships recently. This is something you claim to hold in high regard. But your lack of focus caused you to be defeated by Doc Henry. Now I know Doc's the shit but you seemed to think you were better than him. Then you were proved otherwise. The same thing could happen to you this week. I'll bet you come in respecting the skills of Jeff Purse. But you'll leave with a new found respect for the true hardcore champion, Alex Richards.
Zach: Huh?
Richards: Then we come to Denise D'Evil. The WCF's immortal. Most people would probably be frightened facing an immortal. But not me. Some would say I'm not smart enough to be afraid. They might be right. But I know this, Denise isn't going to step into that ring, pull out that giant sword and decapitate me. So she's just going to fight me like everyone else does. Denise, you were recently out smarted by some random demon. Well I'm no random demon but my goal isn't to kill you. I only have to get the advantage long enough to score myself a three count and exit the ring. Surely I can do that. You're going to say otherwise, but I saw how distracted you were last week. From the tag team championships to losing to Sequitus. You can talk all the trash you want but the fact remains you went from being the tag team champions to being also runs in a matter of weeks. You could say I'm also an also run but there's a difference. I'm on the way up you're on the way down. I pass you this week Denise. Good luck with the demons. But this Demon of the Demented is taking you down this week.
Zach: I can't believe it. You...can..be... serious? And Demon of the Demented is among your better nicknames for yourself.
Richards: When I have to Zach. And this week I have to. I'm not losing again Zach. The Shadows Demons aren't going to cause me to disappoint my new teammates in Pantheon. I hear they throw great victory parties and I'm going to be right there shouting... YOLO ADRIAN! I GOT IT! BOOOOOOOOM!
Zach: That seriousness certainly didn't last long.
