Exposing the Real Gang of Fourteen
Apr 24, 2014 22:28:31 GMT -5
Terry Roberts, Speede, and 2 more like this
Post by Jonny Fly on Apr 24, 2014 22:28:31 GMT -5
Our scene begins inside the Pantheon Conference Room in Jonny Fly’s New York City mansion. Unlike previous scenes held in this room, there is no Corey Black. Steve Orbit is nowhere to be found. Jayson Price’s drunken shenanigans are holding court in Philadelphia, not New York. The room is empty, save for Jonny Fly. The man himself is quietly sitting on the far side of the room. Fly’s arms are folded in front him and resting on the table. He’s leaning slightly over the table, his head looking off to the right at nothing in particular. It’s the sight of a man who’s been interrupted while deep in thought. Eventually Fly senses the presence of the camera in the room, and begins to talk.
Fly: Stuart Slane has always been right about one thing. I’m no angel.
Fly pauses after the statement, allowing the words to reverberate around the empty room. He takes one of his folded arms and uses his hand to wipe his mouth. Licking his lips, Fly slowly turns his head toward the camera and shrugs his shoulders.
Fly: What do you want me to say? This has been covered ad nauseam. This came up when I was feuding with Steve Orbit. This came up when I feuded with Seth Lerch. This came up when I feuded with Eric Price. This has come up time and time again. It’s old news, no different than Stuart Slane himself.
Fly smirks and leans back in his chair, still with his focus directed toward the camera.
Fly: Like Seth and like Price, Slane only sees what he wants to see. If he were to look in the mirror, he’d see we’re not so different…and then the mirror would break. The façade would come crumbing down. I’ve owned my past. I’m a better person today because of that. Stuart Slane is the same mindless drone he’s always been. He sees no fault in his own actions, while being the first in line to condemn others. So, today, we turn the mirror on him.
Fly rises from his seat. We notice that he has a remote in hand. Fly points the remote at a projector device on the conference table. The blank white wall in front of the projector springs to life, revealing an image with the following words…
“The Real Gang of Fourteen”
Fly: I’ve enough of this bullshit. I’m putting it all on the table today. Some of you may not understand what the “Gang of Fourteen” is. Surely you’ve heard Slane bring it up, but the full story eludes you. Let’s start from the beginning. There was a time when the former “Scoutmaster” was reigning as the WCF’s Internet Champion. He took his job seriously, too seriously, not quite realizing that the Internet Title is nothing more than a belt created to allow low level wrestlers such as him a chance to earn gold. He attempted to rule over the WCF’s online world, dictating how the company’s website should be run and trying to create governance on how WCF wrestlers conducted themselves on Twitter. It was a fun shtick for a couple of minutes, but then something happened…
Fly presses his remote. The image being projected switches to the logo from WCF/GEW’s Shoot to Thrill, a one-time event in September of 2012.
Fly: Shoot to Thrill happened. Slane was scheduled to defend the Internet Title against Ophelia Pain. He made it well known that he shouldn’t have to wrestle in the match because…well, a lot of reasons. The show was in Louisiana, in the summer, and that was going to be too hot for him was one that stood out. You know, because we fuckin’ wrestle outside, right? He didn’t like his opponent. He didn’t like GEW. He didn’t like having to defend his title. He didn’t like anything, and he made that well known to everyone. To somewhat of a surprise, Slane did end up showing up for the match. As he walked down to the ring, he was attacked by Pain’s Misfit stablemates Johnny Stylez, Tommy Kain, Keif, and Ryan Pugh.
Fly presses the remote again, flipping to image of the aforementioned Misfits – L.A. Johnny Stylez, Tommy Kain, Ryan Pugh, Ophelia Pain, and Keif.
Fly: Slane would be injured in the attack and miss a considerable amount of time. When he did recover, he came back speaking of this “Gang of Fourteen.” In Slane’s mind, it wasn’t just the Misfits who attacked him. Oh, no! It was a much larger scheme than the actions of just one group. It was a coup to remove him as Internet Champion. A plot cooked by multiple wrestlers and administrators that transcended stable affiliations and current rivalries, all in the name of taking down the mighty champion of the Interwebz.
Fly presses the remote. The screen this time goes to a large bold question mark.
Fly: Does that sound realistic to anyone? Come on, by a show of hands did anyone buy this shit? Could this really have happened? Months later Slane would go on to identify that the “Gang of Fourteen” as not only Keif, Pain, Stylez, Kain, and Pugh, but also Pantheon members Kid Phantasm, Nightmare, Jeff Purse, Johnny Reb, Corey Black, and yours truly. Also included was Lisl Anne, the WCF’s Vice President of Digital Media Content. Steve Orbit, despite being a member of Genesis, a rival stable of The Misfits and Pantheon, was put on the list because…I don’t know, probably because he’s black. Last but not least was Eric Price, who Slane referred to as the mastermind behind the entire operation. This “Gang”…is bullshit.
Boom. Remote press engaged. A picture of actual bullshit appears on the projector. Slane’s smug face has been photoshopped into the middle of it.
Fly: In typical fashion, Slane could only provide circumstantial evidence to support his claims that those fourteen individuals conspired to eliminate him. As this was going on, I was ascending toward ownership of the Wrestling Championship Federation. I held meetings with many of the company’s staffers in preparation for taking over Seth Lerch’s chair after defeating him at One. For that reason, more so than anyone, I know what really happened at Shoot to Thrill. I know the machinations that were in motion and who was and was not involved. Today, I’m going to reveal the real “Gang of Fourteen” and set the story straight.
Guess what? Yep, you got it, Fly clicks his trusty remote. The giant bold question mark returns to the screen.
Fly: Now, hold on a second! Am I admitting that there actually is a “Gang of Fourteen?” Well…yes.
Fly pauses for a moment, smirking. Somewhere, Stuart Slane is nodding his head and yelling “I TOLD ALL OF YOU!”
Fly: Unfortunately, it’s not quite what, and who, Slane thinks it is. The facts are facts; Slane was attacked at Shoot to Thrill. I’m not here to deny that. I’m also not here to deny that there are circumstances that conspired against him during that fateful evening. It’s those circumstances that we’ll be focusing on. Let’s start, literally, at the top.
Hello. My name is a remote. My master Jonny Fly has just clicked me. So, what I’m going to do is communicate with my friend, the projector. He’ll then go ahead and display an image with a large #1 next to a picture of some douchebag.
Fly: Oh yes, you’re seeing that right. SETH LERCH is a member of the “Gang of Fourteen!” Stu missed this one, mostly because he’s been in love with Seth forever. Slane is judgmental to everyone in the WCF except Seth. He blindly followed him when I exposed that Seth was siphoning company money to personal accounts to fund private islands and helicopters. Does that sound like someone who is worthy of the self-proclaimed title of ‘WCF’s moral guardian?’ What Slane never knew is that the Shoot to Thrill show WAS signed off on by Lerch. That’s right, the show that Slane didn’t want to participate in, didn’t want to defend his title on, could have been shut down by his BFF, Lerch. Instead, like he’s done so many times for XIII, Lerch approved Shoot to Thrill. He approved the card. He approved the title matches. He had to, after all, all WCF contracts come with non-compete clauses. Our wrestlers legally could not have participated on that show without Seth’s consent. He gave that consent. Therefore, he’s at fault for what happened to Slane, right? He’s not the only member of management that is to blame, either.
Fly presses on the remote again and the projector switches to the next picture. It’s a welcome change too, as we go from an image of Seth Lerch to the image of Lisl Anne, former Vice President of Digital Media Content/Pornstar/Flydophile.
Fly: I’ll give it to him, Slane called this one. Lisl is someone who I’ve spent a lot of time with. A lot. Like, seriously, a LOT. I know her, inside and out, up and down, upside down, bent over, on the side, piledriver, double kangaroo sloppy pocky, you name it. Lisl had enough of Slane, no different than basically everyone else on the fuckin’ planet. She’s the one who pushed for him to defend the title against Ophelia Pain. But…that’s her job. She’s supposed to have the pulse of the company when it comes to matters such as the goings on of the internet. Slane was out there on Twitter speaking down to the Misfits, per usual. She pushed for him to defend against a member of that stable, and so it went. You book for ratings. There’s nothing more to it than that. Also, please let the record show that I’m not just defending here because she’s coming over later. Scouts honor.
A mischievous smile forms on Fly’s face. With his remote in hand, he switches the picture on the projector. Next up is a collective picture of the Misfits with the number three next to them.
Fly: This one is pretty obvious. Truthfully, you can make a compelling case that the only pictures I need to show are Slane and The Misfits. That could really be labeled as the entire “Gang of Fourteen,” but what fun would that be? The Misfits carried out the attack, plain as day. This was a group that was always at odds with Slane. Their leader, L.A. Johnny Stylez, was one of the more popular Internet Title competitors at the time and had some great matches with Slane. This was a rivalry. Instead of recognizing that the Misfits hated him and wanted him out of the company, Slane would go on record to call them nothing more than patsies to the rest of the co-conspirators. This is a perfect example of Slane’s disconnect from reality. He disliked the group so much that he wouldn’t even consider the possibility that they acted alone. Is it any wonder why the events that unfolded at Shoot to Thrill took place? Slane bit off more than he could chew. He poked that Misfit bear, and it fuckin’ bit him back. It happens. Don’t be a 270 pound bitch next time.
Fly presses the remote again, and we switch to another picture. It’s a picture of Al Gore sitting at a computer looking up naughty videos of Lisl Anne. Not really, but he is sitting at a computer in the image. On the computer screen in front of him is a large number four. Fly half turns to look at the screen and chuckles.
Fly: Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. Al Gore and his invention, the internet, is a member of the “Gang of Fourteen.” It is after all, events that unfolded on the internet that angered The Misfits, and led them to do what they did to Stuart Slane. The internet is barely a tangible item, however, and so we must look elsewhere to lay blame. Al Gore was the leader in creating the vision of what we call the internet today. So, fuck him. He’s on the list. Welcome to the “Gang,” Al.
Fly pauses. It’s as if he realizes how farfetched what he’s saying truly is.
Fly: What? That’s still more believable than Slane’s bullshit.
Thumb, meet button. The remote is pressed and stuff happens. That stuff is a picture of some nerdy dude who looks way too much like Stuart Slane. DoppleSlane has his pants down and is staring at a computer screen in the image.
Fly: The fifth member of the real “Gang of Fourteen” is the online porn community. As some of you might remember, as the WCF’s self-proclaimed “Virtual Ambassador,” Slane attempted to enact a Seven Point Plan to set restrictive guidelines for WCF.com. The reasoning for the plan not being enacted, other than it being wholly outrageous, was because there were concerns from WCF management that it would alienate sponsors. Sponsors like…the online porn community, one of WCF’s biggest supporters. I wonder, do you people actually know that? Well, now you do. College girls, cheating wives, lesbians, naughty neighbors, naughty secretary’s, people dancing in bear costumes, people getting fucked on busses, black dicks, MILFs, GILFs and all sort of other ILF’s have been secretly funding a portion of this company’s operations for years. Mainly because Seth Lerch is such a big customer that they’ve arranged some sort of ‘you scratch my back, I’ll show you hot naked 45 year olds for $9.99 a month’ deal. I mean after all, where the fuck do you think Seth found Lisl Anne? A temp agency? Yeah, maybe a temp agency for out of work actresses who specialize in the double stuff. The point is, Slane’s plan could have put a big dent in Seth and Lisl’s pockets, and all because the online porn community basically runs this company. So…put a bow on their dicks and vaginas, as I’d now like to present them officially as the fifth member of the “Gang of Fourteen!”
It appears it’s time to move on to the next member of the real “Gang of Fourteen.” I know you can’t wait so…Fly clicks the remote and the sixth picture appears on the projector screen. It’s the WCF’s Internet Title.
Fly: The Internet Title was at the center of all Slane’s issues back in 2012 and early 2013. This is a guy who is naturally vain and getting his hands on championship gold, even at the level of the Internet Title, made him even more pompous. Winning that title spurred all the actions thereafter. It’s what started his crusade to get the Seven Point Plan mandated. It’s what connected him with Lisl Anne, and by extension, Seth Lerch. It’s what got him booked at Shoot to Thrill. Hell, he won the belt from Johnny Stylez – the same man who would attack and injure him later on. This one is obvious. In the supposed ‘coup’ to remove Stuart Slane as this company’s Internet Champion, the Internet Title and Slane’s actions as its holder are absolutely at fault. Speaking of Slane’s actions, I’m excited about this next “Gang” member…or should I say members…
Jonny Fly sets the remote on the ground and then does a Hulk Hogan elbow drop onto the button that flips to the next image. Heh, not really. He just presses the button and the image on the projector switches to a number seven next to the picture of a man and women we’ve never seen before.
Fly: Take a long hard look ladies and gentlemen. These are Stuart Slane’s parents. These are the individuals who molded and crafted that self-absorbed cretin. I don’t mean to get into the values of good parenting, but how do you allow your son to grow into someone who abuses young children? Slane is a glorified bully. He has an endless need to make people suffer for his own self-satisfaction. This is the man that they created. Let’s call it like it is, and this is coming from someone who would know, Stuart Slane is a narcissist. It’s a product of the environment he grew up in, and the people that raised him. I’d personally like to thank them for unleashing this nutcase into the world. At what point did you realize your son was a fuck up and do something about it? I grew up on the fuckin’ streets with NOBODY and I turned out better than him. That’s real stellar work there, parental unit. You guys are winners. Take a bow. The Boy Scouts of America and the Wrestling Championship Federation truly appreciate your contribution to society.
We move right along. Fly flips to the next picture. It’s the logo of the Boy Scouts of America with the number eight next to it.
Fly: This one is tough for me, because I’m a believer in the mission of the Boy Scouts of America. Still, they’ve made some grave oversights when it comes to the former “Scoutmaster” Stuart Slane. The story is that Slane was kicked out the Scouts for abusive behavior to the kids that were under his leadership. That’s it, that’s all they did. They kicked him out. Had they used more prudent measures, they might have been able to build a criminal case against Slane. Instead of running off and forming “Slane’s Scouts” and joining the WCF, he could have been in prison. It’s never been revealed the depths of Slane’s abuse. Was it emotional? Verbal? Physical? Sexual? We have no idea, and that’s only because the Boy Scouts tried to sweep Slane’s actions under the rug. Again, I’ve done some fucked up things in my life, but never to a kid. I’ve hurt people who deserved it. Kids is a line I’ve never crossed. Slane likes to tell me that I belong in prison, but if so, it should be in a cell right next to him. The Scout’s cut Slane loose and allowed him to continue afflicting children with his abusive ways. They failed to protect those kids, and they failed to protect Stuart Slane himself. The professional wrestling world isn’t the place for him. This is a man who needs professional help. His issues of aggression and violence can’t be tamed inside the ring, especially with motherfuckers like me around. His inevitable losses will only add to his problems, problems that the Scout’s are responsible for ignoring.
With that, we move onto the next one. The projector screen switches to a group of fans at an unknown Sunday Night Slam event. This particular group looks generally bored. They’re dressed in khakis, tan short sleeved shirts, and wearing sashes that are full of badges – like miniature “Scoutmaster” Stuart Slane’s.
Fly: Number nine are the Slaniacs. Wait, what?
Fly looks back at the screen in a puzzled fashion.
Fly: That can’t be right. Slaniacs don’t exist. Nobody likes Stuart Slane. Nobody. He doesn’t even fuckin’ like himself, hence why he acts out like a child. Since Slaniacs don’t exist, they can’t be members of the real “Gang of Fourteen.”
Fly is about to move on when a thought comes to him.
Fly: Of course, the “Gang of Fourteen” itself is just a delusion…so…whatever. Let’s keep them on the list. This is also a perfect segue into our next member of the real “Gang of Fourteen.”
Fly throws the remote into the air, twirls like he’s Logan, catches it behind his back, and presses the button. Or, you know, something like that. Anyway, the next image appears. It’s a small syrup bottle with a prescription label on it. The name of the prescription is Thorazine, and the patient’s name on the label is Stuart Slane.
Fly: I think it’s fairly obvious that Stuart Slane suffers from schizophrenia. With the mundane personality, agitation, aggression, incessant paranoia, and lack of all social skills, it’s a slam dunk. I have it on good authority from a Pharmacy Technician that I’m…uh…acquainted with that Slane has a prescription for Thorazine syrup, an anti-psychotic medication. Considering that our friend Stuart’s a stubborn schizoid, my guess is he doesn’t take it regularly, if at all. This more than anything explains the way he acts. Now, you might be asking yourself, if he’s not taking the drug then why is it on this list? What did it do wrong? Good question. I guess there’s only so many ways to say the attack on Slane was his own fucking fault, and for this list to actually live up to its name I still have to find 14 things to talk about…so…Thorazine! Fuck you Thorazine for not helping Stuart Slane when he could have used you the most. It’s your fault he wasn’t in the right mind, started shit with an entire stable, and got his ass whooped. Next time, grow some legs and jump into his mouth like a fuckin’ man.
Fly smiles at the sarcasm.
Fly: Let’s go ahead and keep moving.
Fly presses the remote and switches to number eleven on the real “Gang of Fourteen” list. A picture of Slane’s wife appears.
Fly: Full disclosure, until I started doing research for this presentation I didn’t even know the man was married. I mean…how? Clearly this bitch has a screw loose to be married to that motherfucker, so she gets to be on this list by default. Guilty by association. It just feels right, kids.
Moving right along, Fly goes to the next picture. The image of a man wearing very short shorts appears.
Fly: Alright, this one is just science. Or maybe the right word is speculation? I don’t know. Here’s the thought though, Slane wears shorts that hug his nuts. I think it’s a Scout thing. It got me thinking, how could that be affecting him? I did a little experiment on my own. I purchased a pair of little scouts, as I call them, and wore them around New York City for an entire day. I was able to make some interesting discoveries. First off, I learned that it was way too cold to have done this in April in the City. Second, I found myself feeling very stressed out. The shorts were smashing against my balls all fuckin’ day and because I was uncomfortable I was extremely irritable. I ended up sleeping with a chick wearing longer shorts than me, so obviously my decision making skills were impacted by the lack of blood circulation to the Flyacanda and friends. I think Slane might experience some of these same symptoms on an everyday basis. I fully intend to use my wealth and resources to continue to investigate this epidemic. With all of your help, I think we can find a cure. If you’d like to donate please visit letstuartslittlesbreath.com. Shall we move on?
You know how this goes. There’s a remote. A certain individual presses the remote. The image on the projector changes to a picture of the number 13 next to…Eric Price.
Fly: Eric Price! Come on, no list is complete without Eric Price on it. Price was famously listed as the mastermind behind Slane’s original “Gang of Fourteen.” Therefore, in an unprecedented show of respect to Stewie, I’ve included Price on the real “Gang of Fourteen” list, for no reason whatsoever. Like everyone in the universe, ever, Price was at odds with Slane back in the day. How that came to be his inclusion on the list, much less be considered the group’s puppet master, I have no fucking idea. I stopped trying to make sense of Stuart Slane a long time ago. I mean, the man steals hot fries. He’s the fuckin’ worst of the worst. The facts here are that Slane was never very forward with his reasoning for labeling Price as he did. Slane basically just said he’s a bad dude so he’s on the list and that’s that. But hey, I don’t give a shit about Eric Price either. Fuck him. He’s on the list again. The man is just one level under Slane when it comes to delusional behavior so…welcome back to the list Price. You’ve been missed…well, not really.
We’ve now reached the climatic end of the real “Gang of Fourteen” list. Actually, it’s really not that climatic. Fly does magic stuff with the remote, and an extremely large image of Stuart Slane appears on the screen.
Fly: Alright, forget everyone and everything I just mentioned. Even the Misfits, fuck them. The real “Gang of Fourteen” is Stuart Slane, and only Stuart Slane. As individuals…as men…we are responsible for our own actions. Stuart Slane’s conduct has made him many enemies. I know what that is like. The difference between Slane and I is I’ve been able to handle it. He couldn’t. He got destroyed and concocted an elaborate plot to make it look like something more than it wasn’t. Fuck that shit. It doesn’t take fourteen people to put Stuart Slane down. It just takes one…me.
Fly presses the power button on the remote and shuts down the projector. He sets the remote onto the conference table and redirects his focus to the camera.
Fly: On Sunday, I’m not going to need Pantheon. I’m not going to need The Misfits, wherever the fuck they are. I’m not going to need Steve Orbit, Eric Price, or anyone else. I’m going to go into the ring and do what I do, every single week. It’s going to one of those nights when the full ‘Jonny Fly experience’ is in effect. This is match that has been a long time coming. Stuart Slane and I were on a collision course before his exit from the company. He’s come back for me, and I’m fuckin’ glad he did. I want to finally end this shit. I want Stuart Slane gone…for good.
Fly pauses and begins to pace back and forth.
Fly: When I found out it was Slane behind the Hot Fry embargo, I never figured he’d actually agree to get into the ring with me. I mean, what sane motherfucker does that? Of course, as we just discussed, Stuart Slane is not…well, sane. He had a good thing going for a couple of weeks. He got to hide out in the shadows, wear costumes, and get over on me week after week. He got to play his little game without any consequences…for a bit. Unfortunately, everything has a consequence. He should know that by now. His actions in the Scouts had a consequence. His actions toward the Misfits had a consequence. His actions toward me have a consequence, and it’s one that I can guarantee you will stick with him for the rest of his life.
That’s what this is about. I’m not here playing this company’s moral guardian like someone pretends to be. I’m here to keep balance, to keep order. Every wrestler who has ever encountered Stuart Slane has wanted nothing more than to put him out of commission permanently. Some aren’t capable of doing that. Others haven’t had the opportunity. I have both the capability and the opportunity, and as always, I never fail. Forget rivalries and grudges, forget affiliations…this match, this eradication of Stuart Slane, this is for everyone.
Fly stops pacing and runs his hand through his hair. He sighs and turns to face the camera again.
Fly: I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Stuart Slane and I have never been equals in the wrestling ring, but he’s good. He’s far better than his resume would suggest to the casual observer. Still, he has limits. I’ve seen Stuart Slane lose to people who have no business beating him. This is a man who lives and dies by his ability to overpower and impose his will onto opponents. If he can’t do that, he becomes frustrated and shuts down. I’ve seen it countless times. Here’s the problem, nobody imposes their will on Jonny Fly. In this dance, I’m the one who leads.
I’m relishing this opportunity. I’m pumped for this match. I am DONE with this Gang of Fourteen nonsense, the finger pointing, the illogical paranoia, the STEALING OF HOT FRIES, and the whole fuckin’ Stuart Slane saga. It_is_over.
Fly takes two steps forward and comes close to the camera.
Fly: Slane, you are doomed. Like so many before you, you find yourself on the card against Jonny Fly. Your fate has already been predetermined. You’ve always struggled with this, but let’s try again; you have nobody to blame but yourself. When you lose this match, when it’s over, I want you to look up at me. I want you to look up at me as you’re gasping for air and trying to recover from being thrown around the ring like a fuckin’ piñata, and I want you to realize…right then…that you are beneath me in every single way imaginable…and you always will be.
I’ll see you soon.
Fly winks at the camera and brushes past it. The camera spins to see Fly approaching the door leading out of the conference room. As he opens the door to exit, our scene slowly comes to a close.
Fly: Stuart Slane has always been right about one thing. I’m no angel.
Fly pauses after the statement, allowing the words to reverberate around the empty room. He takes one of his folded arms and uses his hand to wipe his mouth. Licking his lips, Fly slowly turns his head toward the camera and shrugs his shoulders.
Fly: What do you want me to say? This has been covered ad nauseam. This came up when I was feuding with Steve Orbit. This came up when I feuded with Seth Lerch. This came up when I feuded with Eric Price. This has come up time and time again. It’s old news, no different than Stuart Slane himself.
Fly smirks and leans back in his chair, still with his focus directed toward the camera.
Fly: Like Seth and like Price, Slane only sees what he wants to see. If he were to look in the mirror, he’d see we’re not so different…and then the mirror would break. The façade would come crumbing down. I’ve owned my past. I’m a better person today because of that. Stuart Slane is the same mindless drone he’s always been. He sees no fault in his own actions, while being the first in line to condemn others. So, today, we turn the mirror on him.
Fly rises from his seat. We notice that he has a remote in hand. Fly points the remote at a projector device on the conference table. The blank white wall in front of the projector springs to life, revealing an image with the following words…
“The Real Gang of Fourteen”
Fly: I’ve enough of this bullshit. I’m putting it all on the table today. Some of you may not understand what the “Gang of Fourteen” is. Surely you’ve heard Slane bring it up, but the full story eludes you. Let’s start from the beginning. There was a time when the former “Scoutmaster” was reigning as the WCF’s Internet Champion. He took his job seriously, too seriously, not quite realizing that the Internet Title is nothing more than a belt created to allow low level wrestlers such as him a chance to earn gold. He attempted to rule over the WCF’s online world, dictating how the company’s website should be run and trying to create governance on how WCF wrestlers conducted themselves on Twitter. It was a fun shtick for a couple of minutes, but then something happened…
Fly presses his remote. The image being projected switches to the logo from WCF/GEW’s Shoot to Thrill, a one-time event in September of 2012.
Fly: Shoot to Thrill happened. Slane was scheduled to defend the Internet Title against Ophelia Pain. He made it well known that he shouldn’t have to wrestle in the match because…well, a lot of reasons. The show was in Louisiana, in the summer, and that was going to be too hot for him was one that stood out. You know, because we fuckin’ wrestle outside, right? He didn’t like his opponent. He didn’t like GEW. He didn’t like having to defend his title. He didn’t like anything, and he made that well known to everyone. To somewhat of a surprise, Slane did end up showing up for the match. As he walked down to the ring, he was attacked by Pain’s Misfit stablemates Johnny Stylez, Tommy Kain, Keif, and Ryan Pugh.
Fly presses the remote again, flipping to image of the aforementioned Misfits – L.A. Johnny Stylez, Tommy Kain, Ryan Pugh, Ophelia Pain, and Keif.
Fly: Slane would be injured in the attack and miss a considerable amount of time. When he did recover, he came back speaking of this “Gang of Fourteen.” In Slane’s mind, it wasn’t just the Misfits who attacked him. Oh, no! It was a much larger scheme than the actions of just one group. It was a coup to remove him as Internet Champion. A plot cooked by multiple wrestlers and administrators that transcended stable affiliations and current rivalries, all in the name of taking down the mighty champion of the Interwebz.
Fly presses the remote. The screen this time goes to a large bold question mark.
Fly: Does that sound realistic to anyone? Come on, by a show of hands did anyone buy this shit? Could this really have happened? Months later Slane would go on to identify that the “Gang of Fourteen” as not only Keif, Pain, Stylez, Kain, and Pugh, but also Pantheon members Kid Phantasm, Nightmare, Jeff Purse, Johnny Reb, Corey Black, and yours truly. Also included was Lisl Anne, the WCF’s Vice President of Digital Media Content. Steve Orbit, despite being a member of Genesis, a rival stable of The Misfits and Pantheon, was put on the list because…I don’t know, probably because he’s black. Last but not least was Eric Price, who Slane referred to as the mastermind behind the entire operation. This “Gang”…is bullshit.
Boom. Remote press engaged. A picture of actual bullshit appears on the projector. Slane’s smug face has been photoshopped into the middle of it.
Fly: In typical fashion, Slane could only provide circumstantial evidence to support his claims that those fourteen individuals conspired to eliminate him. As this was going on, I was ascending toward ownership of the Wrestling Championship Federation. I held meetings with many of the company’s staffers in preparation for taking over Seth Lerch’s chair after defeating him at One. For that reason, more so than anyone, I know what really happened at Shoot to Thrill. I know the machinations that were in motion and who was and was not involved. Today, I’m going to reveal the real “Gang of Fourteen” and set the story straight.
Guess what? Yep, you got it, Fly clicks his trusty remote. The giant bold question mark returns to the screen.
Fly: Now, hold on a second! Am I admitting that there actually is a “Gang of Fourteen?” Well…yes.
Fly pauses for a moment, smirking. Somewhere, Stuart Slane is nodding his head and yelling “I TOLD ALL OF YOU!”
Fly: Unfortunately, it’s not quite what, and who, Slane thinks it is. The facts are facts; Slane was attacked at Shoot to Thrill. I’m not here to deny that. I’m also not here to deny that there are circumstances that conspired against him during that fateful evening. It’s those circumstances that we’ll be focusing on. Let’s start, literally, at the top.
Hello. My name is a remote. My master Jonny Fly has just clicked me. So, what I’m going to do is communicate with my friend, the projector. He’ll then go ahead and display an image with a large #1 next to a picture of some douchebag.
Fly: Oh yes, you’re seeing that right. SETH LERCH is a member of the “Gang of Fourteen!” Stu missed this one, mostly because he’s been in love with Seth forever. Slane is judgmental to everyone in the WCF except Seth. He blindly followed him when I exposed that Seth was siphoning company money to personal accounts to fund private islands and helicopters. Does that sound like someone who is worthy of the self-proclaimed title of ‘WCF’s moral guardian?’ What Slane never knew is that the Shoot to Thrill show WAS signed off on by Lerch. That’s right, the show that Slane didn’t want to participate in, didn’t want to defend his title on, could have been shut down by his BFF, Lerch. Instead, like he’s done so many times for XIII, Lerch approved Shoot to Thrill. He approved the card. He approved the title matches. He had to, after all, all WCF contracts come with non-compete clauses. Our wrestlers legally could not have participated on that show without Seth’s consent. He gave that consent. Therefore, he’s at fault for what happened to Slane, right? He’s not the only member of management that is to blame, either.
Fly presses on the remote again and the projector switches to the next picture. It’s a welcome change too, as we go from an image of Seth Lerch to the image of Lisl Anne, former Vice President of Digital Media Content/Pornstar/Flydophile.
Fly: I’ll give it to him, Slane called this one. Lisl is someone who I’ve spent a lot of time with. A lot. Like, seriously, a LOT. I know her, inside and out, up and down, upside down, bent over, on the side, piledriver, double kangaroo sloppy pocky, you name it. Lisl had enough of Slane, no different than basically everyone else on the fuckin’ planet. She’s the one who pushed for him to defend the title against Ophelia Pain. But…that’s her job. She’s supposed to have the pulse of the company when it comes to matters such as the goings on of the internet. Slane was out there on Twitter speaking down to the Misfits, per usual. She pushed for him to defend against a member of that stable, and so it went. You book for ratings. There’s nothing more to it than that. Also, please let the record show that I’m not just defending here because she’s coming over later. Scouts honor.
A mischievous smile forms on Fly’s face. With his remote in hand, he switches the picture on the projector. Next up is a collective picture of the Misfits with the number three next to them.
Fly: This one is pretty obvious. Truthfully, you can make a compelling case that the only pictures I need to show are Slane and The Misfits. That could really be labeled as the entire “Gang of Fourteen,” but what fun would that be? The Misfits carried out the attack, plain as day. This was a group that was always at odds with Slane. Their leader, L.A. Johnny Stylez, was one of the more popular Internet Title competitors at the time and had some great matches with Slane. This was a rivalry. Instead of recognizing that the Misfits hated him and wanted him out of the company, Slane would go on record to call them nothing more than patsies to the rest of the co-conspirators. This is a perfect example of Slane’s disconnect from reality. He disliked the group so much that he wouldn’t even consider the possibility that they acted alone. Is it any wonder why the events that unfolded at Shoot to Thrill took place? Slane bit off more than he could chew. He poked that Misfit bear, and it fuckin’ bit him back. It happens. Don’t be a 270 pound bitch next time.
Fly presses the remote again, and we switch to another picture. It’s a picture of Al Gore sitting at a computer looking up naughty videos of Lisl Anne. Not really, but he is sitting at a computer in the image. On the computer screen in front of him is a large number four. Fly half turns to look at the screen and chuckles.
Fly: Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. Al Gore and his invention, the internet, is a member of the “Gang of Fourteen.” It is after all, events that unfolded on the internet that angered The Misfits, and led them to do what they did to Stuart Slane. The internet is barely a tangible item, however, and so we must look elsewhere to lay blame. Al Gore was the leader in creating the vision of what we call the internet today. So, fuck him. He’s on the list. Welcome to the “Gang,” Al.
Fly pauses. It’s as if he realizes how farfetched what he’s saying truly is.
Fly: What? That’s still more believable than Slane’s bullshit.
Thumb, meet button. The remote is pressed and stuff happens. That stuff is a picture of some nerdy dude who looks way too much like Stuart Slane. DoppleSlane has his pants down and is staring at a computer screen in the image.
Fly: The fifth member of the real “Gang of Fourteen” is the online porn community. As some of you might remember, as the WCF’s self-proclaimed “Virtual Ambassador,” Slane attempted to enact a Seven Point Plan to set restrictive guidelines for WCF.com. The reasoning for the plan not being enacted, other than it being wholly outrageous, was because there were concerns from WCF management that it would alienate sponsors. Sponsors like…the online porn community, one of WCF’s biggest supporters. I wonder, do you people actually know that? Well, now you do. College girls, cheating wives, lesbians, naughty neighbors, naughty secretary’s, people dancing in bear costumes, people getting fucked on busses, black dicks, MILFs, GILFs and all sort of other ILF’s have been secretly funding a portion of this company’s operations for years. Mainly because Seth Lerch is such a big customer that they’ve arranged some sort of ‘you scratch my back, I’ll show you hot naked 45 year olds for $9.99 a month’ deal. I mean after all, where the fuck do you think Seth found Lisl Anne? A temp agency? Yeah, maybe a temp agency for out of work actresses who specialize in the double stuff. The point is, Slane’s plan could have put a big dent in Seth and Lisl’s pockets, and all because the online porn community basically runs this company. So…put a bow on their dicks and vaginas, as I’d now like to present them officially as the fifth member of the “Gang of Fourteen!”
It appears it’s time to move on to the next member of the real “Gang of Fourteen.” I know you can’t wait so…Fly clicks the remote and the sixth picture appears on the projector screen. It’s the WCF’s Internet Title.
Fly: The Internet Title was at the center of all Slane’s issues back in 2012 and early 2013. This is a guy who is naturally vain and getting his hands on championship gold, even at the level of the Internet Title, made him even more pompous. Winning that title spurred all the actions thereafter. It’s what started his crusade to get the Seven Point Plan mandated. It’s what connected him with Lisl Anne, and by extension, Seth Lerch. It’s what got him booked at Shoot to Thrill. Hell, he won the belt from Johnny Stylez – the same man who would attack and injure him later on. This one is obvious. In the supposed ‘coup’ to remove Stuart Slane as this company’s Internet Champion, the Internet Title and Slane’s actions as its holder are absolutely at fault. Speaking of Slane’s actions, I’m excited about this next “Gang” member…or should I say members…
Jonny Fly sets the remote on the ground and then does a Hulk Hogan elbow drop onto the button that flips to the next image. Heh, not really. He just presses the button and the image on the projector switches to a number seven next to the picture of a man and women we’ve never seen before.
Fly: Take a long hard look ladies and gentlemen. These are Stuart Slane’s parents. These are the individuals who molded and crafted that self-absorbed cretin. I don’t mean to get into the values of good parenting, but how do you allow your son to grow into someone who abuses young children? Slane is a glorified bully. He has an endless need to make people suffer for his own self-satisfaction. This is the man that they created. Let’s call it like it is, and this is coming from someone who would know, Stuart Slane is a narcissist. It’s a product of the environment he grew up in, and the people that raised him. I’d personally like to thank them for unleashing this nutcase into the world. At what point did you realize your son was a fuck up and do something about it? I grew up on the fuckin’ streets with NOBODY and I turned out better than him. That’s real stellar work there, parental unit. You guys are winners. Take a bow. The Boy Scouts of America and the Wrestling Championship Federation truly appreciate your contribution to society.
We move right along. Fly flips to the next picture. It’s the logo of the Boy Scouts of America with the number eight next to it.
Fly: This one is tough for me, because I’m a believer in the mission of the Boy Scouts of America. Still, they’ve made some grave oversights when it comes to the former “Scoutmaster” Stuart Slane. The story is that Slane was kicked out the Scouts for abusive behavior to the kids that were under his leadership. That’s it, that’s all they did. They kicked him out. Had they used more prudent measures, they might have been able to build a criminal case against Slane. Instead of running off and forming “Slane’s Scouts” and joining the WCF, he could have been in prison. It’s never been revealed the depths of Slane’s abuse. Was it emotional? Verbal? Physical? Sexual? We have no idea, and that’s only because the Boy Scouts tried to sweep Slane’s actions under the rug. Again, I’ve done some fucked up things in my life, but never to a kid. I’ve hurt people who deserved it. Kids is a line I’ve never crossed. Slane likes to tell me that I belong in prison, but if so, it should be in a cell right next to him. The Scout’s cut Slane loose and allowed him to continue afflicting children with his abusive ways. They failed to protect those kids, and they failed to protect Stuart Slane himself. The professional wrestling world isn’t the place for him. This is a man who needs professional help. His issues of aggression and violence can’t be tamed inside the ring, especially with motherfuckers like me around. His inevitable losses will only add to his problems, problems that the Scout’s are responsible for ignoring.
With that, we move onto the next one. The projector screen switches to a group of fans at an unknown Sunday Night Slam event. This particular group looks generally bored. They’re dressed in khakis, tan short sleeved shirts, and wearing sashes that are full of badges – like miniature “Scoutmaster” Stuart Slane’s.
Fly: Number nine are the Slaniacs. Wait, what?
Fly looks back at the screen in a puzzled fashion.
Fly: That can’t be right. Slaniacs don’t exist. Nobody likes Stuart Slane. Nobody. He doesn’t even fuckin’ like himself, hence why he acts out like a child. Since Slaniacs don’t exist, they can’t be members of the real “Gang of Fourteen.”
Fly is about to move on when a thought comes to him.
Fly: Of course, the “Gang of Fourteen” itself is just a delusion…so…whatever. Let’s keep them on the list. This is also a perfect segue into our next member of the real “Gang of Fourteen.”
Fly throws the remote into the air, twirls like he’s Logan, catches it behind his back, and presses the button. Or, you know, something like that. Anyway, the next image appears. It’s a small syrup bottle with a prescription label on it. The name of the prescription is Thorazine, and the patient’s name on the label is Stuart Slane.
Fly: I think it’s fairly obvious that Stuart Slane suffers from schizophrenia. With the mundane personality, agitation, aggression, incessant paranoia, and lack of all social skills, it’s a slam dunk. I have it on good authority from a Pharmacy Technician that I’m…uh…acquainted with that Slane has a prescription for Thorazine syrup, an anti-psychotic medication. Considering that our friend Stuart’s a stubborn schizoid, my guess is he doesn’t take it regularly, if at all. This more than anything explains the way he acts. Now, you might be asking yourself, if he’s not taking the drug then why is it on this list? What did it do wrong? Good question. I guess there’s only so many ways to say the attack on Slane was his own fucking fault, and for this list to actually live up to its name I still have to find 14 things to talk about…so…Thorazine! Fuck you Thorazine for not helping Stuart Slane when he could have used you the most. It’s your fault he wasn’t in the right mind, started shit with an entire stable, and got his ass whooped. Next time, grow some legs and jump into his mouth like a fuckin’ man.
Fly smiles at the sarcasm.
Fly: Let’s go ahead and keep moving.
Fly presses the remote and switches to number eleven on the real “Gang of Fourteen” list. A picture of Slane’s wife appears.
Fly: Full disclosure, until I started doing research for this presentation I didn’t even know the man was married. I mean…how? Clearly this bitch has a screw loose to be married to that motherfucker, so she gets to be on this list by default. Guilty by association. It just feels right, kids.
Moving right along, Fly goes to the next picture. The image of a man wearing very short shorts appears.
Fly: Alright, this one is just science. Or maybe the right word is speculation? I don’t know. Here’s the thought though, Slane wears shorts that hug his nuts. I think it’s a Scout thing. It got me thinking, how could that be affecting him? I did a little experiment on my own. I purchased a pair of little scouts, as I call them, and wore them around New York City for an entire day. I was able to make some interesting discoveries. First off, I learned that it was way too cold to have done this in April in the City. Second, I found myself feeling very stressed out. The shorts were smashing against my balls all fuckin’ day and because I was uncomfortable I was extremely irritable. I ended up sleeping with a chick wearing longer shorts than me, so obviously my decision making skills were impacted by the lack of blood circulation to the Flyacanda and friends. I think Slane might experience some of these same symptoms on an everyday basis. I fully intend to use my wealth and resources to continue to investigate this epidemic. With all of your help, I think we can find a cure. If you’d like to donate please visit letstuartslittlesbreath.com. Shall we move on?
You know how this goes. There’s a remote. A certain individual presses the remote. The image on the projector changes to a picture of the number 13 next to…Eric Price.
Fly: Eric Price! Come on, no list is complete without Eric Price on it. Price was famously listed as the mastermind behind Slane’s original “Gang of Fourteen.” Therefore, in an unprecedented show of respect to Stewie, I’ve included Price on the real “Gang of Fourteen” list, for no reason whatsoever. Like everyone in the universe, ever, Price was at odds with Slane back in the day. How that came to be his inclusion on the list, much less be considered the group’s puppet master, I have no fucking idea. I stopped trying to make sense of Stuart Slane a long time ago. I mean, the man steals hot fries. He’s the fuckin’ worst of the worst. The facts here are that Slane was never very forward with his reasoning for labeling Price as he did. Slane basically just said he’s a bad dude so he’s on the list and that’s that. But hey, I don’t give a shit about Eric Price either. Fuck him. He’s on the list again. The man is just one level under Slane when it comes to delusional behavior so…welcome back to the list Price. You’ve been missed…well, not really.
We’ve now reached the climatic end of the real “Gang of Fourteen” list. Actually, it’s really not that climatic. Fly does magic stuff with the remote, and an extremely large image of Stuart Slane appears on the screen.
Fly: Alright, forget everyone and everything I just mentioned. Even the Misfits, fuck them. The real “Gang of Fourteen” is Stuart Slane, and only Stuart Slane. As individuals…as men…we are responsible for our own actions. Stuart Slane’s conduct has made him many enemies. I know what that is like. The difference between Slane and I is I’ve been able to handle it. He couldn’t. He got destroyed and concocted an elaborate plot to make it look like something more than it wasn’t. Fuck that shit. It doesn’t take fourteen people to put Stuart Slane down. It just takes one…me.
Fly presses the power button on the remote and shuts down the projector. He sets the remote onto the conference table and redirects his focus to the camera.
Fly: On Sunday, I’m not going to need Pantheon. I’m not going to need The Misfits, wherever the fuck they are. I’m not going to need Steve Orbit, Eric Price, or anyone else. I’m going to go into the ring and do what I do, every single week. It’s going to one of those nights when the full ‘Jonny Fly experience’ is in effect. This is match that has been a long time coming. Stuart Slane and I were on a collision course before his exit from the company. He’s come back for me, and I’m fuckin’ glad he did. I want to finally end this shit. I want Stuart Slane gone…for good.
Fly pauses and begins to pace back and forth.
Fly: When I found out it was Slane behind the Hot Fry embargo, I never figured he’d actually agree to get into the ring with me. I mean, what sane motherfucker does that? Of course, as we just discussed, Stuart Slane is not…well, sane. He had a good thing going for a couple of weeks. He got to hide out in the shadows, wear costumes, and get over on me week after week. He got to play his little game without any consequences…for a bit. Unfortunately, everything has a consequence. He should know that by now. His actions in the Scouts had a consequence. His actions toward the Misfits had a consequence. His actions toward me have a consequence, and it’s one that I can guarantee you will stick with him for the rest of his life.
That’s what this is about. I’m not here playing this company’s moral guardian like someone pretends to be. I’m here to keep balance, to keep order. Every wrestler who has ever encountered Stuart Slane has wanted nothing more than to put him out of commission permanently. Some aren’t capable of doing that. Others haven’t had the opportunity. I have both the capability and the opportunity, and as always, I never fail. Forget rivalries and grudges, forget affiliations…this match, this eradication of Stuart Slane, this is for everyone.
Fly stops pacing and runs his hand through his hair. He sighs and turns to face the camera again.
Fly: I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Stuart Slane and I have never been equals in the wrestling ring, but he’s good. He’s far better than his resume would suggest to the casual observer. Still, he has limits. I’ve seen Stuart Slane lose to people who have no business beating him. This is a man who lives and dies by his ability to overpower and impose his will onto opponents. If he can’t do that, he becomes frustrated and shuts down. I’ve seen it countless times. Here’s the problem, nobody imposes their will on Jonny Fly. In this dance, I’m the one who leads.
I’m relishing this opportunity. I’m pumped for this match. I am DONE with this Gang of Fourteen nonsense, the finger pointing, the illogical paranoia, the STEALING OF HOT FRIES, and the whole fuckin’ Stuart Slane saga. It_is_over.
Fly takes two steps forward and comes close to the camera.
Fly: Slane, you are doomed. Like so many before you, you find yourself on the card against Jonny Fly. Your fate has already been predetermined. You’ve always struggled with this, but let’s try again; you have nobody to blame but yourself. When you lose this match, when it’s over, I want you to look up at me. I want you to look up at me as you’re gasping for air and trying to recover from being thrown around the ring like a fuckin’ piñata, and I want you to realize…right then…that you are beneath me in every single way imaginable…and you always will be.
I’ll see you soon.
Fly winks at the camera and brushes past it. The camera spins to see Fly approaching the door leading out of the conference room. As he opens the door to exit, our scene slowly comes to a close.
