Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2013 4:45:47 GMT -5
Jay Price: "Will somebody turn down the fucking lights already?"
The voice of Jay Price can be heard as the scene slowly begins to fade in on a scorching hot sun, high in the sky. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal a clear blue sky, then farther back before panning down to bring into view a sea of sand. No trees. No Grass. Just sand and then more sand. The camera spins around to reveal Price laid out on the ground, wearing only a pair of blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a pair of dark sunglasses. With a groan he pushes himself up to a sitting position and brushes some sand off of his cheek.
Jay Price: "Sand? When the fuck did I go to the beach?"
Price finally gets a clear look of his surroundings and he has to push his sunglasses up onto the top of his head and rub his eyes to make sure that he's seeing things correctly. He definitely is.
Jay Price: "Okay, so there's no ocean at this beach apparently."
A look of realization comes over his face and he smacks himself in the forehead.
Jay Price: "God damn it, I told myself I'd never get blackout drunk in Mexico again."
Distraught over realizing that he's broken one of the most important rules that he ever made for himself, Price pushes himself up to his feet and pulls his sunglasses back down over his eyes to block out the bright sun. Seeing no signs pointing toward anywhere, nor any real signs of human life anywhere, he decides to just start walking in a random direction and hope for the best. Or really just anything, it doesn't even have to be the best. As long as it's not miles of sand, a blistering sun and not a drop of alcohol anywhere in sight. Enough with the rambling, back to Price and his trek through the desert.
Jay Price: "You know....the last time I blacked out in Mexico I don't remember having to walk this much to find civilization. I mean, like a mile or two through the desert and I could at least see a building or a hut or something. And...what the fuck am I even doing talking out loud? Is someone supposed to be answering me?"
The answer would be no. There's no one to answer Price, just himself. As he continues forward the scene quickly switches to another part of the desert where we can see Cameraman Bob laid out in the sand just like Price had been. The only difference is that Bob obviously got the worst of whatever the hell has happened as he's buck naked, ass sticking up in the air, with his face buried in the sand. We can hear muffled groans coming from Bob as his body begins to stir. Finally he pulls his face from out of the sand and goes onto his hands and knees, which is really just a site that everyone would agree they'd rather not have seen. Before Bob can stand up, or show off more of his flabby body, a group of individuals dressed in all white robes rush into the scene and surround Bob. Their backs are to the camera and there faces are hidden as they all reach down and grab hold of Bob. We can hear him yell out as the scene quickly switches back to Price. Bob's panicky, girly scream drifts out over the desert and catches Price's attention.
Jay Price: "What the....Bob?!?!"
Price scans the horizon but still sees absolutely nothing. Shrugging his shoulders Price assumes that he's only hearing things and continues on. He spots what looks like a sand dune in the distance and decides to climb it and get a look around from a higher vantage point. The only problem with that is the fact that dune is at least a mile away and Price is starting to become badly dehydrated. He pulls the t-shirt he's wearing off and wipes the sweat from off of his face before he slings it over his shoulder.
Jay Price: "I swear to god, when I get out of this place I'm quitting drinking. Well, maybe not all together, I'll just do it on the weekends. And holidays. And of course Thirsty Thursday's. Fuck it, who am I kidding, we all know I'll never quit drinking. There's a better chance of Shannan Lerch giving up dick sucking."
Price looks over to the side, almost as if he's expecting someone to chuckle at his joke. Apparently in his current state he's hallucinating that someone is there because he reaches out and slaps them on the back. Take a good hard look at your United States Champion folks, because there's a good chance he might die of heat stroke today. Price finally reaches the sand dune that he had been walking toward, which at this point has been revealed to be much bigger than it had looked a mile away. With a sigh and a wipe of his brow, Price begins the arduous climb up the side of the dune. The scene quickly switches back to Cameraman Bob, who is now on his knees with a burlap sack over his head. There's an individual in a white robe on either side of them as the camera pulls back to get all three in the shot. We can see that they are watching Price, off in the distance climbing the dune, along with Bob's pasty white ass. The men begin talking with each other, their faces still hidden, in a language that neither Bob nor any of the viewers can understand. Seriously, where the fuck are subtitles when you need them? We may not be able to understand what the hell is being said but it's obvious from their tone that the men aren't too pleased with the site of Price. A third individual appears and roughly shoves Bob forward into the sand as all three begin screaming at him in their language.
Cameraman Bob: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?!?! I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A THING YOU'RE SAYING!"
Apparently the language barrier goes both ways as the individuals continue to scream at Bob, kicking sand onto his naked back. Finally two of the individuals each grab an arm and they begin to drag Bob off as the third follows behind, still screaming at Bob. The scene switches back to Price just as he reaches the top of the dune.
Jay Price: "Fuck, I thought I'd never get to the top. Now let's just see where the fu...."
Price's scan of the area reveals nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just walked over a mile through the desert and up a sand dune to find more sand. Miles and miles of sand.
Jay Price: "Fuck me."
Price drops down to his knees and begins pounding his fists into the sand as he curses the heavens.
Jay Price: "Why? WHY? What have I ever done to deserve this?"
The questions rather rhetorical because everyone, including Price, knows that he probable deserves everything that is about to happen to him. I mean seriously, he forced a guy to drink until he blacked out and then tricked a known whore to rape him...all for kicks. If he doesn't deserve a karmic bitch slap, then he does? I know, right back to the random bullshit rabbling, but it's not like you're missing anything. Five straight minutes of Jay Price literally trying to throw sand into the eyes of God to pay him back for this hell he's in. That's not a metaphor folks, he's hallucinating so badly that he thinks he can see two giant eyes in the sky that belong to God. It's sad really. So sad that we're just going to switch the scene back to Bob. The poor former cameraman turned bitch still has his head covered by a burlap sack as he's led by three individuals in white robes. Suddenly he drops to his knees.
Cameraman Bob: "Please...please I'm begging you to just let me go. The man I work for, he has money. Lots and lots of money. And I'm sure he'll pay you a hefty sum if you'll just let me go."
That's a lie and we all know it. On numerous occassions Price has pondered the idea of finding a gay middle eastern prince who has a thing for pasty white American men. And for those of you who scoff at the idea of such a thing existing, you'd be surprised. But back to Bob, the individuals obviously can't understand a word he's saying and respond by beating Bob for holding them up. They finally drag him back up to his feet and jab him in the back with their fists until he starts walking again. Off in the distance, far, far off in the distance the top of a building can be seen, obviously the destination for the men and Bob. We switch back to Price, leaving Bob's fate a mystery for now. Price has finally gotten himself together and is sitting on top of the dune, trying to figure out his next move. The only problem? Yeah, that dehydration shit we've hit on a few times already. In his mind he's seeing shit that would scare a guy that just took a molly. He falls back and lays up at the sky, content that he'd rather just die now and get it all over with.
Jay Price: "All right God, you win. I always thought I'd die of something a bit more predictable, like syphilis or alcohol poisoning, but you got me good. So go on, do your worst. Make it rain scorpions. Bring on the tidal wave of hydrochloric acid. You want to get rid of my ass you do it the right way and take me out with a mother fucking bang you cock sucking bastard."
Price pushes his glasses up onto the top of his head, raises two middle fingers to the sky and then closes his eyes as waits for sweet death to come and take him away from this hell.
...
...
Yeah that's the bitch about this kind of death, it takes a while. So long so that Price instead falls asleep and begins to snore. With him out he has no time to react as a pair of similarly dressed individuals sneak up behind him and throw a blanket over top of him. The stand on the sides of the blanket, keeping Price pinned down as he begins to thrash beneath it. A third individual shows up and begins stomping down on top or Price until he stops thrashing. Satisfied the man motions to yet a fourth man who appears with a black body bag. All four men force Price's obviously unconscious body into the bag and then roll it down the side of the dune. The four men celebrate the capture of Price and then make their way down to him. Two of the men grab hold of the end of the bag and begin to drag it across the sand as the two others follow behind, keeping an eye out for anyone else that may have come with Price and Bob. There's no one with them but there is someone else in the immediate area that these men should be focusing on. They can't see him and neither can we, but he's there, sitting on top of another nearby dune. As the camera starts to zoom in to try and reveal him the scene quickly turns to static before switching to Cameraman Bob as he and the men accompanying him arrive at the building that we saw in the horizon earlier. It's not really much of a building, just a simple shack that's amongst a few other shacks in a sort of desert trailer park. The men throw Bob to the ground as a man emerges from the shack. We now get a full shot of all the parties involved and it's now obvious that the situation is as bad as we though. Bob's been kidnapped by a group of white robed, scraggly bearded middle eastern men. It's not nice to accuse people based on stereotypes, but it's obvious that Bob's now the possession of terrorists. The new individual in the scene, the one with the scraggliest beard and a jagged scar running down his face, is obviously the leader as he yells something in his language and the men quickly back away from Bob. The leader steps forward, yanks the sack off of Bob's head and inspects him. It's obvious he's not pleased as he spits in Bob's face and forces the sack back on. With a bit more yelling the man stands back up, points at the individuals and then turns before entering his shack again. The men grab hold of Bob and drag him off toward another shack as we cut back to where Price is still being dragged along. The individual that had been watching from afar is no longer anywhere to be seen and Price's captors seem to be arguing amongst themselves about something. Price finally awakens inside of the bag and begins to thrash about.
Jay Price: "Hey! What the fuck is this shit? I'M NOT DEAD YET ASSHOLES! GET ME OUT OF THIS BAG!"
The men stop their bickering and being to kick at Price.
Jay Price: "FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT OF THIS BAG AND THEN TRY TO COME AT ME!"
As Price continues to thrash about as the men kick at him, one of the men is whacked in the head with a heavy walking stick and drops to the ground. The other men don't even realize that their comrade is down and then another men is dropped by a blow to the head. Now the other two men realize something is going on and they turn around only to catch a shot to the face. All four of the men are down now as Price continues to thrash about from inside of the bag.
Jay Price: "YOU DIRTY ROTTEN MOTHER FUCKERS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS BAG I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR HEADS AND PISS INTO THE GAPING HOLE THAT IS YOUR THROAT! YOU LET ME THE F-"
Price is cut off as the zipper to the bag is slowly pulled open. Bright sunlight immediately hits Price's eyes and he's temporarily blinded as his savior grabs hold of his hand and pulls him up to a sitting position. Price blinks a bunch of times to try and get his sight back.
Jay Price: "All right, look. I don't care who you guys are but I'm going to k-"
Price cuts himself off as his vision comes back and he looks up into the kind, dark eyes of Mahatma Gandhi.
Jay Price: "You...you're him. That guy from that movie Gandhi. You're uh...uh..."
Mahatma: "Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Yeah that was the movie. You're uh...shit what was your name?"
Mahatma: "Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Yes, Gandhi, we've established the name of the movie. But you, you're uh..."
Mahatma: "No, I am Ga..."
Jay Price: "Ben Kingsley! That's it, mother fucking Ben Kingsley. I can't wait to see you play The Mandarin."
Mahatma quickly whacks Price over the head, not hard enough to knock him out, just enough to get him to shut the fuck up for a minute.
Mahatma: "No, I am not Ben Kingsley. I am Mahatma Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Impossible, you were shot over 60 years ago."
Mahatma begins to chuckle and then cuts himself off before whacking Price over the head again.
Mahatma: "Do you really want to stand here all day discussing my mortality? Or would you rather go and save your pasty white friend?"
Jay Price: "Pasty white friend? Bob?"
Mahatma: "I do not know his name, only that he appears to have come from the same land as you."
Jay Price: "Oh what, so all white people look the same to you?"
Price immediately cowers and covers his head but Mahatma jabs him in the chest with the end of his walking stick.
Mahatma: "Enough with the nonsense. You come with me now back to my shelter where you may rest."
Jay Price: "You wouldn't happen to have any Jack on you? Or maybe some Bacardi? I'll drink anything you have as long as it's not Smirnoff."
Mahatma fishes a canteen out from under his robe and tosses it to Price, who opens it up and takes a sniff.
Jay Price: "What is this? I can't smell anything."
Mahatma: "It's water you dope. Drink it before you pass out."
Jay Price: "Water, eh? I seem to remember drinking it once, never really got a taste for it."
Price pinches his nose and takes a few gulps of the water. It's obvious he's not a fan but he passes the canteen back to Mahatma with a look of gratitude on his face. Mahatma tucks it back away and they set off through the desert.
Jay Price: "So you really did a number on those guys back there with your stick. I thought you were all about peace and non-violence, where'd you learn to fight like that?"
Mahatma: "Just because one follows the path of non-violence does not mean one should not know how to protect their body."
Jay Price: "Oh. Yeah I guess the world is full of dicks. You know, like the guy who shot you."
There's no response from Mahatma as he's obviously decided to avoid the discussion. Price still looks a bit skeptical as he seems to be set on this all being a dream. Or perhaps some weird sort of hell where he's forced to walk through a desert and get hit by Gandhi for the rest of eternity. This delusion is only intensified throughout the hours of walking that the pair do, with seemingly no end in sight until finally, off in the distance, a sole hut can be see.
Jay Price: "Tell me that's where we're headed. I can't keep going like this man, my legs feel like they're about to go out from under me."
Mahatma: "Quit being such a whiny little bitch. I used to go on hunger strikes for weeks and I never cried like a little pansy girl."
Jay Price: "Look here old timer, I don't care who the fuck you are, nobody calls Jay Price a li-"
Mahatma quickly whacks Price over the head and he drops to the ground. Mahatma shakes his head as he realizes that now he's going to have to either wait for Price to awake or help him to the hut in his current state. Looking around to make sure that there is no one watching him, Gandhi reaches down, grabs hold of one of Price's hands and then...he fucking flies up into the air. That's right, Gandhi's flying. Well it's more like hovering above the ground but it's still a sight to see. Price's body floats lifelessly in the air as Gandhi grasps his hand tightly and they begin to float toward the hut. The scene quickly switches away from this awesome display back to Bob, who is now standing against a wall, his arms shackled above his head and a chain attatched to ankle. There is a towel wrapped around his waist to save us all from seeing more than we want to see and the burlap sack is still over his head. The door to the room suddenly opens and a man walks in, this one different from the others we've seen. His robe is also white but it's very clean and there are little buttons on it that kind of look like medals. He's wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and walks with a cane, which he uses to jab Bob in the stomach.
Old Man: "You, what is your name."
He speaks in English but with a very heavy accent. Bob begins to stir at the sound of his voice.
Cameraman Bob: "Wha...what? What is this? Where am I?"
The old man quickly jabs Bob in the stomach again.
Old Man: "Your name. Tell me your name."
Cameraman Bob: "Bob. My name is Bob."
The old man chuckles.
Old Man: "You are no longer Bob. From this point forward, you are white woman. You will answer only to that name and speak only when told."
Cameraman Bob: "White woman? What kind of name is th- OH GOD NO! NO! NO! I AM N-"
The old man quickly jabs his cane into Bob's gut a few more times to get his point across. Bob begins sputtering as the old man smiles. He then turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Bob begins sobbing from under the sack as the scene again switches back to Price. Mahatma and Price have finally reached their destination as Gandhi gently settles onto the ground. Price isn't as lucky as he drops onto the sand with a thud. With a groan, Price sits up and rubs his forehead.
Jay Price: "What the fuck? Aww, I was really hoping I was dreaming all of this."
Mahatma: "Come inside, the sun has melted your brain and left you delirious."
Mahatma pulls open the blanket that serves as the door to his hut and steps inside. Price thinks about it for a second and then follows him in. Once inside Price is greeted by a shocking surprise: the inside looks nothing like the outside. Ornate tapestries of peaceful sunsets and other pleasant things adorn the dirt walls. There's furniture and other things that look blatantly out of place in a desert hut. Mahatma motions to a chair and Price takes a seat as he walks into another room. Moments later he reemerges with two glasses of water.
Jay Price: "What, no ice?"
Mahatma: "Stop with the jokes Mr. Price, there isn't always a need for comedy."
Jay Price: "Well excuse me for trying to be the f- wait. How do you know my name."
Mahatma: "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."
Jay Price: "Uh, I'm not. I actually do want to know how you know my name when I never told it to you."
Mahatma: "There are more pressing matters at hand that we need to be focusing on. Namely your comrade that is now in the custody of some very bad men."
Jay Price: "Very bad men?"
Mahatma: "Very, very bad men."
Jay Price: "Just say it for me one more time. I swear you sound just like the guy from Seinf-"
Mahatma: "I SAID NO MORE WITH THE JOKES!"
Gandhi is obviously quite pissed off at the lack of focus coming from Price. Price is taken aback by such an outburst from the well known pacifist.
Jay Price: "All right, all right. I got it, no more jokes. So you said you saw someone who looked American being taken away by some men."
Mahatma: "Yes. I was able to view them from afar while you were wandering the desert. They beat him and then dragged him off, probably back to their little village."
Jay Price: "And you couldn't stop them and save him like you did for me?"
Mahatma: "With you I had the element of surprise. Besides, between the two of you I figured that you would be the one of use to me."
Jay Price: "Of use to you? Use for what?"
Mahatma: "We are going to stick it to those assholes."
Jay Price: "Whoa. That's not like some weird kind of come on is it? Because I'm sorry man but I don't swing that way. You would have been better off with the ot-"
Price is cut off as Mahatma throws his glass at Price, narrowly missing his head.
Mahatma: "Shut up!"
Again Price is taken aback by such an outburst.
Mahatma: "I'm not talking about debauchery you no brained simpleton. I'm talking about going to where these men are stationed and taking them out."
Jay Price: "Where is all of this coming from? I mean really, you're the poster boy for keeping calm and peaceful and shit."
Mahatma: "That is who I was, not who I am now. I can only stand by idly for so long, seeing the things that are happening around me, and not do anything. The time is now and you will come with me."
Jay Price: "I will? Wait a second there slick, I never signed up for some mission. All right, I might look the part but I'm no hero. I'm just a guy that got black out drunk at a bar somewhere and ended up in the desert. Trust me, it happens all of the time."
Mahatma: "Are you really that stupid? You think that this, all of this, can be that easily explained?"
Jay Price: "Well yeah, obviously I really outdid myself with the booze and I ended up-"
Mahatma lunges at Price, tackling him and the chair backward. Gandhi now choking the ever loving shit out of Price with surprising strength.
Mahatma: "You listen to me. This is nothing that your little brain could ever comprehend. You will come with me, you will help me and then we will go our separate ways. Do you understand me?"
Price is able to sputter out a "Yes!" and Gandhi nods his head before releasing his grasp. He wipes the dust off of his robes and then takes his seat as Price coughs. Finally he gets back to his feet and sits back down. Rubbing his throat, he looks over at Gandhi.
Jay Price: "Okay, I'm in, just don't choke me like that again."
Mahatma says nothing as he looks toward the tapestry hanging behind Price.
Jay Price: "So what, we just roll into this little village full of bad guys by ourselves?"
Mahatma: "No. Tonight we rest and then tomorrow we go and we scout the area."
Jay Price: "Okay that's all good and whatnot, but even after that what's the plan? We're going to need a bit more than your walking stick to take out a whole village of guys."
Mahatma: "You don't worry about the plan, simpleton. All you need to do is follow my lead and keep your mouth shut. Now get some sleep."
Gandhi pushes himself out of his seat and heads into another room. A door can heard being shut as Price is left by himself.
Jay Price: "So uh, all right. I guess I'll just take the couch then."
Looking around Price realizes that there is no couch in the hut.
Jay Price: "Or uh, I guess this chair is cool."
The scene fades out to black as Price tries his best to get comfortable in his chair.
- - - - -
The scene fades back in on Price as he's sleeping peacefully, snoring lightly. Suddenly water is thrown into his face, waking him with a jolt. Mahatma is standing in front of him, a clay bowl in hand.
Jay Price: "What the...what the hell? What was that for?"
Mahatma: "It's time."
Jay Price: "Time? The hell it is man, look outside it's still dark. Let me get another hour or two in and then we'll set off."
Mahatma: "I said it is time."
Jay Price: "But it's dark, how are we going to see shit?"
Mahatma: "Quit asking questions and come with me now."
Jay Price: "Fine, I'm up."
Minutes later Price and Mahatma are outside of the hut and walking away.
Jay Price: "So how far away is this village anyway?"
Mahatma: "Not far. We will be there before the sun rises and then use that to conceal ourselves as we watch from the dunes."
Price nods in agreement and they spend the rest of the trek in silence. They reach the base of a large dune just as the sun is starting to rise over the horizon. A short while later they are on top of the dune, lying on their stomachs as they monitor the small village of shacks that we saw Bob get dragged to earlier. With the sun rising slowly behind them their images are well hidden. They're close enough that they can get a basic layout of the village: two dozen or so small shacks all spread out with a larger building a short distance behind them.
Mahatma: "There, that building, you see it?"
Jay Price: "You mean the only one that doesn't look like shit?"
Mahatma: "Yes, that's the one. That is where the leader of this smaller group resides."
Jay Price: "Wait, smaller group? You mean this isn't the whole group?"
Mahatma: "No, not even close. This group is just one of six that make up an entire cult of sorts. You know of terrorists and terrorist leaders, but this is nothing like anything you or your people know of. The man who leads all of these people has a hold over them like nothing ever known. For them, dying for their leader is more than a privilege, it's...it's....I don't even know how to explain it. He treats them worse than stray dogs but they still live to serve him."
Jay Price: "Sounds fucked up."
Mahatma: "I believe that's the first thing you've said that I agree with."
The pair continue to monitor the area when Price spots something in the distance.
Jay Price: "Uh...what the hell is that?"
Price points off into the distance where a large cloud of dust is forming.
Jay Price: "Is it a sandstorm?"
Mahatma: "No, it's much worse. Much, much worse."
There is a look of worry it Mahatma's face as we cut to the cloud of dust and see that it's a convoy of black SUV's and pick-up trucks, all filled with men that look just like the individuals in the village. One of the cars has all of it's windows blacked out and bears symbols and seals that definitely mean something important. We cut again, this time to Bob who is still shackled and crying. We then cut just one more time back to Price and Mahatma.
Jay Price: "Worse? Worse how?"
Mahatma: "It's him. And his men?"
Jay Price: "How many?"
Mahatma: "All of them."
Jay Price: "All of them? Fuck this man. I thought we were boned when you said we'd be investigating a village. But now we're about to be in the vicinity of an entire terrorist organization cult thing and it's leader that they worship like a god? Fuck it. Kill me now Gandhi. Get it over with now because I know those fucks will do much worse if they find me here."
Mahatma: "Calm yourself now. I was not expecting for this to happen today but I was prepared nonetheless."
Jay Price: "Prepared? You're prepared for this? Unless you've got a fucking army packing some serious heat under that robe of yours we're fucked. I say we get the hell out of here now while we still can."
Mahatma: "I said calm yourself now. I have the situation at hand."
Jay Price: "Oh really? Well those cars are a few hundred yards away and closing fast. And from the looks of it, those people in the village weren't expecting this either because they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off."
Mahatma: "Good. They're busy which buys me time."
Jay Price: "Time? Time for what? Time to write out your will in the sand?"
Mahatma ignores Price as he makes his way back down the dune. Price takes a last look at the arriving convoy of cars before joining Mahatma at the bottom of the dune.
Jay Price: "So what do we do?"
Mahatma: "We do nothing. You stand over there and keep quiet. I need full concentration."
Price takes a few steps back as Ghandi sits down on the ground, legs crossed. He closes his eyes and begins rocking back and forth as he whispers to himself.
Jay Price: "Come on man, prayer is not going to help us right now. We need to get the fuck out of here, figure out a plan and we need to d-"
Price is cut off as Gandhi begins to rock back and forth more violently and his whispering turns to normal volume.
Jay Price: "Will you knock that off? They're going to hear you!"
Gandhi is in his own little world as he continues his almost trance like state. The sand around him begins to vibrate as Price can only look on in awe. Sand is now rising up into the air and it begins to swirl all around Gandhi.
Jay Price: "What the fuck?!?!"
Price has to duck down and shield his eyes as the little swirl of sand turns into an almost sand tornado with Gandhi at the center. Suddenly, without warning, there's a flash of bright light as the sand all drops and Gandhi's eyes open.
Mahatma: "It is done."
Jay Price: "It is done? What the fuck was that? What did you just do?"
Mahatma: "I made a call for help."
Jay Price: "A call for help? Dude, there's these things called phones. You might want to consider getting yourself one."
Mahatma: "Shush."
Jay Price: "You're telling me to shush? You just created a sand tornado and a flash of lighting and I need to shush?"
Mahatma: "I will choke you out once again if you do not shush."
Price holds his hands up in the air in defeat as he remains quiet. The scene switches to the village where everyone is going about their business. Except for the leader. The men he arrived with are conversing with the regular villagers but he is looking in the opposite direction. He could have sworn he just saw a flash of light from the other side of the dune he's looking at. With a smirk, he turns to his men and shouts at them in their language. We cut back to Price and Gandhi before we can see what his men do next. Price is standing with his arms crossed as Gandhi remains seated, staring out into the desert as if he's waiting for someone.
Jay Price: "May I talk now?"
Mahatma: "I'd rather you not but go ahead."
Jay Price: "Who exactly did you call?"
Mahatma: "As I said before, I called for help."
Jay Price: "I know that, but who did you call?"
Mahatma: "I called for no one, I merely asked for help."
Jay Price: "So what, you sent out an S.O.S and now we're waiting for someone to come?"
Mahatma: "Look at that, you were able to figure it out all on your own."
Jay Price: "Why not ask for someone particular to come. You know, like someone who we know could help. How do you know a bunch of squirrels aren't going to show up."
Mahatma: "Because I have faith."
Jay Price: "Hmm, faith. Now there's something I don't have much of these days."
Mahatma: "You must always have faith."
Jay Price: "Yeah well, when you've lived the life I have it's kind of hard to have fai- hold on. What's that?"
Off in the distance there is a faint black dot on the horizon. It's impossible to tell what it is but it's slowly but surely growing closer.
Mahatma smiles.
Mahatma: "Help."
The scene switches back to the other side of the dune as a pair of men are slowly and quietly climbing up the side. They reach the top and peer over cautiously where they see Price standing behind a seated Gandhi, talking about something. The two men retreat back down the dune quickly and back to the village where they report to their leader. He shouts out a few things in his language and suddenly an entire group of men, some with clubs and others with sacks full of rocks, begin to run toward the dune screaming. The scene switches back to Price and Gandhi who had been in the middle of talking when they heard the screaming.
Jay Price: "What the hell is that?"
Mahatma: "The beginning of the end."
Jay Price: "What?"
Mahatma: "Ready yourself, Mr. Price, the time is upon us."
Gandhi raises himself to his feet and readies his walking stick as Price looks around. He spots a rock and picks it up.
Jay Price: "So uh, yeah I guess this will work."
Mahatma shakes his head, reaches under his robe and pulls out a nerf gun. Price looks shocked as all hell as Mahatma tosses him the toy.
Jay Price: "What the hell? A nerf gun? What the hell am I supp-"
Price is cut off as a horde of terrorists appear at the top of the dune and begin running down toward them. Price screams out in terror and out of instinct points the toy gun at the group and pulls the trigger. Rather than a toy dart coming out, a real dart comes out and sticks one of the terrorists in the chest. He takes a step forward and then falls down dead. That's right, poison darts.
Jay Price: "How in the hell?"
Mahatma: "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS YOU IDIOT! JUST SHOOT!"
Price complies and just starts unleashing a swarm of poison darts at the terrorists. He takes out quite a few but barely puts a dent in the group. He starts to turn to run away when he sees Gandhi readying himself to make a stand.
Jay Price: "WE HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
Mahatma: "WE FIGHT NOW!"
Mahatma screams out in rage and then starts unleashing bolts of lighting from the end of his walking stick. Price is left in awe as terrorist after terrorist is dropped to the ground. Price now turning back around and he joins back in the fight, shooting darts at the terrorists. Finally the remaining one decide this plan isn't working and they hightail it back up the dune, with Gandhi and Price taking down the stragglers. They retreat back to the village as Price looks on proudly.
Jay Price: "All right, I guess we showed those mother fuckers."
Price looks to get a high five from Gandhi but is left hanging.
Mahatma: "You think we've won. Ha. Mr. Price that was nothing but the first wave of many. They now know that we are here and that we are ready for a fight. That...that wasn't even enough to be considered a warm-up for what we are going to be facing."
Jay Price: "...fuck me. So what now?"
Mahatma: "Now...now we welcome our help."
Mahatma and Price turn around just in time to see help arrive in the form of a single man.
Chuck Norris.
That's right, Mahatma Gandhi asked for help with this mission and the heavens sent him a god damn one man army. Price looks like he's about to wet himself in excitement over seeing Chuck Norris but manages to keep his cool and offer a simple head nod. Mahatma touches Norris on the shoulder and nods. Norris does nothing. There's no need for him to say a thing because he's here only to fight.
Jay Price: "So the three of us should be able to handle this, right?"
Gandhi shakes his head.
Mahatma: "We have the might, but now we need the brains. We need a man who knows War and can lead men into an insurmountable battle and win."
Jay Price: "You don't mean..."
Gandhi nods his head and then raises his walking stick into the air before slamming it into the ground. The ground shakes and begins to slowly crack as Price and Norris both take a step back. The crack in the ground grows until finally flames begin to shoot up into the air. Rush's "Tom Sawyer" begins to kick in from out of nowhere as, from out of the flames of hell, emerges a flaming unicorn. It flies up into the sky and begins shooting rainbow colored flames from it's mouth. It finally lands on the ground and we can all see that it's rider is the greatest general in the history of America. The General of Generals. The 1st President of the United States, George Washington.
...or at least what used to be George Washington because right now he looks like a mother fucking zombie.
The former President looks down at Gandhi, Chuck Norris and Jay Price from his mighty flaming unicorn with confidence.
Mahatma: "Good to see you again George."
George Washington: "And you as well Mahatma."
Jay Price: "Wait a second. Now I slept through a lot of school but weren't you guys separated by like a hundred and fifty or so years? How do you know each other?"
Mahatma: "As I told you earlier, do not ask questions you don't want to know the answers to."
Jay Price: "Fuck it, this is too god damn awesome for me to even care anymore."
George Washington: "Who is this foul mouthed devil?"
Mahatma: "He is merely here to help retrieve his companion."
George Washington: "Fine. You just follow my lead and try not to get yourself killed."
Jay Price: "Aye aye."
George Washington: "And what in the hell is that weapon you're carrying?"
Jay Price: "Poison dart shooting nerf gun apparently."
Washington scoffs at the absurdity of such a weapon.
Jay Price: "And what exactly are you laughing at George? What do you have as a weapon? Some sort of old sword or something?"
Washington stops scoffing and reaches down to his side before pulling up a pain of Axe Nunchucks. That's right, not nunchucks. Axe Nunchucks. Obviously Price is no longer doubting President Washington.
Jay Price: "All right well this is all that Gandhi gave me. When I woke up here I had nothing. Not even a drop of booze."
Washington shakes his head and then reaches down into the saddle bag on his flaming unicorn. He comes up with something and tosses it to Price. It's an Iron Man Wrist Mounted Missile Launcher. Price quickly straps it to his wrist, not bothering to ask any questions.
George Washington: "Now then. From what I was able to see from down below..."
Jay Price: "Real quick, if I may. Why exactly did you end up going to hell? I figured with all the great things you did you had a direct ticket up."
George Washington: "The answer, my dear boy, is whores."
Jay Price: "Whores?"
George Washington: "Whores. Many, many whores."
Jay Price: "So ole' George liked the strange?"
George Washington: "You're god damn right."
Zombie Washington shoots Price a wink, which is just amazing as it sounds.
George Washington: "Now then, as I was saying. From what I was able to see from down below we're dealing with a massive group of individuals set up on the other side of that dune. They've already tried to get the better of you and Mr. Price over there by coming over the dune. The way I see it, when they come back they're going to come in one wave from over the dune and around both sides in an attempt to catch us off guard."
Jay Price: "Is there any way we can head them off?"
George Washington: "Head them off? Ha. My boy we aren't going to wait for them to come to us, we're going to take it straight to them."
Jay Price: "..."
George Washington: "Have faith Mr. Price, we can do this."
Jay Price: "Fuck it. I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's go kill us some mother fucking terrorists Zombie President Washington, Mahatma Gandhi and Chuck Norris."
"Tom Sawyer" by Rush kicks in once again, this time with the volume cranked all the fucking way up to 12. Price, Zombie George, Gandhi and Chuck Norris march straight up the hill and then right down it toward the village. Terrorists pour out of the shacks and run right at the group. Price begins firing poison darts from both his nerf gun and his wrist launcher. Washington hops off of his flaming unicorn and begins chopping down terrorists with his axe nunchucks as the unicorn runs around impaling them on it's horn. Gandhi is beating fools senseless with his walking stick before frying them with his lightning powers. And Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris is roundhousing fucking terrorists into the sky like he was a giant from Skyrim. This goes on for many glorious hours. At one point Zombie Washington hops onto his unicorn and rides around the sky, blasting terrorists and their shacks with rainbow fire. Gandhi apparently has run out of electric energy so he grasps his walking stick and pulls a full length katana out of it. That's right, his walking stick was a sheath, deal with it. Hours have passed and there are dead terrorist bodies laying all over the place, some in stacks. Finally the leader of the terrorists emerges from the large building out back of the shacks, pushing a naked Bob in front of him.
Jay Price: "What the fuck Bob?!?!"
Cameraman Bob: "JAY! HOLY SHIT HE-"
The terrorist leader whacks Bob in the back of the head with the pistol in his hand.
Old Man: "You've killed all of my men! Who do you think you are?"
Jay Price: "Well first..."
Price turns and shoots a terrorists that had tried to sneak up on him in the forehead with a poison dart.
Jay Price: "...now we've killed all of your men."
Old Man: "You mock me? ME?!?! How dare you be so ignorant to my greatness. You will pay, all of you. I will take great pride in seeing all of you put down like the lowly dogs you are."
Jay Price: "Hey that's just great. But there's just one problem with that."
Old Man: "Oh? And what is that?"
Jay Price: "That."
Zombie George Washington and his flaming unicorn swoop down from the sky as Price points them out. The old man turns around just in time to catch a horn to the head and be dragged off into the air. The unicorn blasts the body with rainbow fire and it falls back to the earth with a thud. Poor Bob drops to the ground and begins hurling as Price, Gandhi and Norris all look on disapprovingly.
Jay Price: "Really Bob? You have to do that in front of these guys?"
.....
.....
20 April 2013
1230
Voice: "Okay I'm going to have to stop you now."
The scene quickly cuts to the inside of a fancy office where Jay Price is sitting in front of a man that looks like he's ready to throw up himself.
Jay Price: "Wait what? But there's still more to tell you about. I mean, we just go Bob and ther-"
Man: "No, for fucks sake just stop now, I don't want to hear any more."
Jay Price: "But this is easily the greatest idea in history. Why would you not want to make this movie?"
Man: "Movie? This isn't a movie Mr. Price, this is a story. A horribly written story that I'm assuming was dreamed up by a six year old with some serious psychological issues."
Jay Price: "Actually I thought it up you jackass."
Man: "Well then you are going to need some serious professional help if you think that shit story would make even a decent movie."
Jay Price: "What the hell is wrong with it?"
Man: "First off, the plot is just ridiculous. You wake up in a desert and then join forces with Gandhi, Chuck Norris and a Zombie George Washington to fight terrorists. How...how is that even possible?"
Jay Price: "Well I never said it was a real story. Besides, this is worlds better than the shit remakes and unoriginal ideas you guys have been coming up with as of late."
Man: "Okay you know what, you just need to get out of my office now. I don't even know why I thought it would be a good idea to meet with you. You're a wrestler, what are you even doing writing a movie?"
Jay Price: "I figured I had the next billion dollar summer cash cow. I mean, think about the profits you'd see if you put this out the 4th of July weekend."
Man: "Get. Out. Now."
Jay Price: "Oh come on, any American would die to see this movie. Are you not an American or something?"
Man: "Actually I'm Canadian."
Jay Price: "Canadian?"
Man: "Yes, Canadian."
Jay Price: "Well then fuck you, eh."
Price stands up, reaches out and knocks a bunch of shit off of the guy's desk and then turns to leave. He reaches the door and walks right back out to where the receptionist had been eavesdropping. As Price walks past her desk, she speaks up.
Receptionist: "I loved your idea, Mr. Price."
Price looks back and sees quite possible the most gorgeous red haired female he'd ever seen.
Jay Price: "Why thank you Mrs. ..."
Receptionist: "Oh jeez, Samantha Greene. And it's not Misses, it's just Miss."
Jay Price: "Well now isn't that just wonderful. Tell me, Ms. Greene, are you hungry?"
Samantha Greene: "Quite famished actually."
Jay Price: "Well what's say you take your lunch break and you and I go to this little restaurant around the corner that I know."
Samantha Greene: "That'd be amazing. Let me just get my purse."
She grabs her purse and yells to her boss that she's going to lunch. He yells something back that inaudible but she doesn't bother to repeat herself as she meets Jay by the elevator.
Samantha Greene: "So Mr. Price, he actually had a pretty good point. With you being a wrestler and all, why would you be taking the time to write up movie ideas? I mean, you've already got a really good career going for you now."
Jay Price: "First off, you're going to have to drop the Mr. Price stuff. Just call me Jay. And as for the movie idea stuff, I'm just looking for that little insurance policy just in case something would happen to me in the future. You know, this neck of mine might just not be able to hold up if I keep getting dropped on my head."
Samantha Greene: "But why movies? I'm sure there's plenty of things you could be doing."
Jay Price: "There are, I suppose, I just always kind of had a thing for the creative. I'm always having these ideas for movies and other things and I've just grown so tired of seeing the same old drivel being pushed by movie studios each year. I guess I just thought the time was right for something new."
Samantha Greene: "Well you definitely came to the wrong studio if that's what you're looking for. That jackass you were talking to has a serious thing for sequels and remakes. He's shot down every original idea I've seen presented to him because he thinks that the safe money is with the stuff the public has already seen."
Jay Price: "Well if you don't mind me asking, if you have such a negative attitude about him, why work for him?"
Samantha Greene: "Oh come on, just because you have a set career doesn't mean that everyone in the world has one. It's tough out there. You have to fight to get a job and then fight to keep it, even if you hate it."
Jay Price: "I suppose."
The elevator arrives at the lobby of the office building and Price and Ms. Greene step out.
Jay Price: "I hope I'm not being too forward here with you Mr. Greene, but if you would ever want to get out of this hell hole and away from that jackass of a boss, I could offer you a position working for me."
Ms. Greene raises an eyebrow.
Samantha Greene: "Was that a line? Are you trying to pick me up Jay?"
Price chuckles.
Jay Price: "I meant a position working in my tower. I've got 43 floors full of everything you could imagine and to be honest, you'd be getting paid to do very little work."
Samantha Greene: "I don't know..."
Jay Price: "Think about it. But for now, let's just enjoy lunch."
The scene fades out as Price holds open the door for the lady.
- - - - -
21 April 2013
0530
The scene slowly fades back in on the inside of "Jay Fucking Price's Fucking Tower". More specifically, it's the inside of his bedroom. It's pitch black but we can see now because Price has just fired up a camcorder and has it set to night vision mode. We can see the form of someone shifting under the blankets beside him as Price lays back on his pillow and points the camera down at his face.
Jay Price: "So last week was a disappointment, to say the least. I had some rather big plans in place that had to be put on hold because my opponent needed to take some emergency leave to be with. Kind of an annoyance having to shut down everything that I had planned, but it was for the best I suppose. I mean, why waste what would have been an amazing show on a night when I was just thrown into a random match. I mean, this week isn't much better, what with being in a thrown together six man tag and all, but at least now Fly and Striker will be out there with me to join in the festivities."
The person laying beside Jay moans softly and Price reaches over with his free hand and rubs their shoulder.
Jay Price: "Shh, back to sleep. I'm just doing a little business before I forget."
The person rolls back onto their side as Price smiles and then looks back to the camera.
Jay Price: "As you can see I'm going to have to keep this short. Then again I suppose I really don't have to put a ton of effort into this little video promo. I mean that would just against everything. I put barely effort into getting ready for this match. I put next to no effort in trying to learn about my opponents. And my opponents just flat out put no effort into anything they do. You know...fuck where do I even start? With the failed actor? Maybe the european pretty boy with money? Oh no wait, I got it, the Ninja. Yeah, maybe I should start with...the fucking Ninja.
Nah, fuck a Ninja. Fuck a Ninja and while we're at it, let's just go ahead and say fuck a Rebellion because that's obviously the mentality of that group. Honestly, you'd think that a group of guys supposedly trying their damndest to get noticed would actually...I don't know, maybe try working to get noticed. I'm not sure if they have noticed or not but losing matches isn't going to get you shit in this business. It's got nothing to do with Pantheon guys. We aren't holding anyone back. We're not denying people title shots. We're just not into giving struggling, consistently losing schlubs rewards for doing nothing. This isn't a case of the 1% giving the 99% the finger, it's just a case of us telling you to fucking doing something if you want something in return. You don't like it? You think you should be given the world on a silver platter in return for doing nothing? Then there's the fucking exit, feel free to leave anytime you want.
Voice (groaning): "Uhhhh...Jay is that you?"
Price turns the camera to the side to give the viewers a glimpse of Samantha Greene before turning off the night vision light and setting the camera off to the side. We can't see anything but we can hear it all.
Jay Price: "Yeah, sorry about that."
Ms. Greene: "Were you talking to someone?"
Jay Price: "It was a phone call. A work think for tonight."
Ms. Greene (yawning): "Oh okay. Is it really almost 6? I should get going or I'll be late for work."
Jay Price: "Oh really? Well allow me to convince you other wise..."
The scene fades out to black as we can hear the covers on the bed rustling.
The voice of Jay Price can be heard as the scene slowly begins to fade in on a scorching hot sun, high in the sky. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal a clear blue sky, then farther back before panning down to bring into view a sea of sand. No trees. No Grass. Just sand and then more sand. The camera spins around to reveal Price laid out on the ground, wearing only a pair of blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a pair of dark sunglasses. With a groan he pushes himself up to a sitting position and brushes some sand off of his cheek.
Jay Price: "Sand? When the fuck did I go to the beach?"
Price finally gets a clear look of his surroundings and he has to push his sunglasses up onto the top of his head and rub his eyes to make sure that he's seeing things correctly. He definitely is.
Jay Price: "Okay, so there's no ocean at this beach apparently."
A look of realization comes over his face and he smacks himself in the forehead.
Jay Price: "God damn it, I told myself I'd never get blackout drunk in Mexico again."
Distraught over realizing that he's broken one of the most important rules that he ever made for himself, Price pushes himself up to his feet and pulls his sunglasses back down over his eyes to block out the bright sun. Seeing no signs pointing toward anywhere, nor any real signs of human life anywhere, he decides to just start walking in a random direction and hope for the best. Or really just anything, it doesn't even have to be the best. As long as it's not miles of sand, a blistering sun and not a drop of alcohol anywhere in sight. Enough with the rambling, back to Price and his trek through the desert.
Jay Price: "You know....the last time I blacked out in Mexico I don't remember having to walk this much to find civilization. I mean, like a mile or two through the desert and I could at least see a building or a hut or something. And...what the fuck am I even doing talking out loud? Is someone supposed to be answering me?"
The answer would be no. There's no one to answer Price, just himself. As he continues forward the scene quickly switches to another part of the desert where we can see Cameraman Bob laid out in the sand just like Price had been. The only difference is that Bob obviously got the worst of whatever the hell has happened as he's buck naked, ass sticking up in the air, with his face buried in the sand. We can hear muffled groans coming from Bob as his body begins to stir. Finally he pulls his face from out of the sand and goes onto his hands and knees, which is really just a site that everyone would agree they'd rather not have seen. Before Bob can stand up, or show off more of his flabby body, a group of individuals dressed in all white robes rush into the scene and surround Bob. Their backs are to the camera and there faces are hidden as they all reach down and grab hold of Bob. We can hear him yell out as the scene quickly switches back to Price. Bob's panicky, girly scream drifts out over the desert and catches Price's attention.
Jay Price: "What the....Bob?!?!"
Price scans the horizon but still sees absolutely nothing. Shrugging his shoulders Price assumes that he's only hearing things and continues on. He spots what looks like a sand dune in the distance and decides to climb it and get a look around from a higher vantage point. The only problem with that is the fact that dune is at least a mile away and Price is starting to become badly dehydrated. He pulls the t-shirt he's wearing off and wipes the sweat from off of his face before he slings it over his shoulder.
Jay Price: "I swear to god, when I get out of this place I'm quitting drinking. Well, maybe not all together, I'll just do it on the weekends. And holidays. And of course Thirsty Thursday's. Fuck it, who am I kidding, we all know I'll never quit drinking. There's a better chance of Shannan Lerch giving up dick sucking."
Price looks over to the side, almost as if he's expecting someone to chuckle at his joke. Apparently in his current state he's hallucinating that someone is there because he reaches out and slaps them on the back. Take a good hard look at your United States Champion folks, because there's a good chance he might die of heat stroke today. Price finally reaches the sand dune that he had been walking toward, which at this point has been revealed to be much bigger than it had looked a mile away. With a sigh and a wipe of his brow, Price begins the arduous climb up the side of the dune. The scene quickly switches back to Cameraman Bob, who is now on his knees with a burlap sack over his head. There's an individual in a white robe on either side of them as the camera pulls back to get all three in the shot. We can see that they are watching Price, off in the distance climbing the dune, along with Bob's pasty white ass. The men begin talking with each other, their faces still hidden, in a language that neither Bob nor any of the viewers can understand. Seriously, where the fuck are subtitles when you need them? We may not be able to understand what the hell is being said but it's obvious from their tone that the men aren't too pleased with the site of Price. A third individual appears and roughly shoves Bob forward into the sand as all three begin screaming at him in their language.
Cameraman Bob: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?!?! I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A THING YOU'RE SAYING!"
Apparently the language barrier goes both ways as the individuals continue to scream at Bob, kicking sand onto his naked back. Finally two of the individuals each grab an arm and they begin to drag Bob off as the third follows behind, still screaming at Bob. The scene switches back to Price just as he reaches the top of the dune.
Jay Price: "Fuck, I thought I'd never get to the top. Now let's just see where the fu...."
Price's scan of the area reveals nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just walked over a mile through the desert and up a sand dune to find more sand. Miles and miles of sand.
Jay Price: "Fuck me."
Price drops down to his knees and begins pounding his fists into the sand as he curses the heavens.
Jay Price: "Why? WHY? What have I ever done to deserve this?"
The questions rather rhetorical because everyone, including Price, knows that he probable deserves everything that is about to happen to him. I mean seriously, he forced a guy to drink until he blacked out and then tricked a known whore to rape him...all for kicks. If he doesn't deserve a karmic bitch slap, then he does? I know, right back to the random bullshit rabbling, but it's not like you're missing anything. Five straight minutes of Jay Price literally trying to throw sand into the eyes of God to pay him back for this hell he's in. That's not a metaphor folks, he's hallucinating so badly that he thinks he can see two giant eyes in the sky that belong to God. It's sad really. So sad that we're just going to switch the scene back to Bob. The poor former cameraman turned bitch still has his head covered by a burlap sack as he's led by three individuals in white robes. Suddenly he drops to his knees.
Cameraman Bob: "Please...please I'm begging you to just let me go. The man I work for, he has money. Lots and lots of money. And I'm sure he'll pay you a hefty sum if you'll just let me go."
That's a lie and we all know it. On numerous occassions Price has pondered the idea of finding a gay middle eastern prince who has a thing for pasty white American men. And for those of you who scoff at the idea of such a thing existing, you'd be surprised. But back to Bob, the individuals obviously can't understand a word he's saying and respond by beating Bob for holding them up. They finally drag him back up to his feet and jab him in the back with their fists until he starts walking again. Off in the distance, far, far off in the distance the top of a building can be seen, obviously the destination for the men and Bob. We switch back to Price, leaving Bob's fate a mystery for now. Price has finally gotten himself together and is sitting on top of the dune, trying to figure out his next move. The only problem? Yeah, that dehydration shit we've hit on a few times already. In his mind he's seeing shit that would scare a guy that just took a molly. He falls back and lays up at the sky, content that he'd rather just die now and get it all over with.
Jay Price: "All right God, you win. I always thought I'd die of something a bit more predictable, like syphilis or alcohol poisoning, but you got me good. So go on, do your worst. Make it rain scorpions. Bring on the tidal wave of hydrochloric acid. You want to get rid of my ass you do it the right way and take me out with a mother fucking bang you cock sucking bastard."
Price pushes his glasses up onto the top of his head, raises two middle fingers to the sky and then closes his eyes as waits for sweet death to come and take him away from this hell.
...
...
Yeah that's the bitch about this kind of death, it takes a while. So long so that Price instead falls asleep and begins to snore. With him out he has no time to react as a pair of similarly dressed individuals sneak up behind him and throw a blanket over top of him. The stand on the sides of the blanket, keeping Price pinned down as he begins to thrash beneath it. A third individual shows up and begins stomping down on top or Price until he stops thrashing. Satisfied the man motions to yet a fourth man who appears with a black body bag. All four men force Price's obviously unconscious body into the bag and then roll it down the side of the dune. The four men celebrate the capture of Price and then make their way down to him. Two of the men grab hold of the end of the bag and begin to drag it across the sand as the two others follow behind, keeping an eye out for anyone else that may have come with Price and Bob. There's no one with them but there is someone else in the immediate area that these men should be focusing on. They can't see him and neither can we, but he's there, sitting on top of another nearby dune. As the camera starts to zoom in to try and reveal him the scene quickly turns to static before switching to Cameraman Bob as he and the men accompanying him arrive at the building that we saw in the horizon earlier. It's not really much of a building, just a simple shack that's amongst a few other shacks in a sort of desert trailer park. The men throw Bob to the ground as a man emerges from the shack. We now get a full shot of all the parties involved and it's now obvious that the situation is as bad as we though. Bob's been kidnapped by a group of white robed, scraggly bearded middle eastern men. It's not nice to accuse people based on stereotypes, but it's obvious that Bob's now the possession of terrorists. The new individual in the scene, the one with the scraggliest beard and a jagged scar running down his face, is obviously the leader as he yells something in his language and the men quickly back away from Bob. The leader steps forward, yanks the sack off of Bob's head and inspects him. It's obvious he's not pleased as he spits in Bob's face and forces the sack back on. With a bit more yelling the man stands back up, points at the individuals and then turns before entering his shack again. The men grab hold of Bob and drag him off toward another shack as we cut back to where Price is still being dragged along. The individual that had been watching from afar is no longer anywhere to be seen and Price's captors seem to be arguing amongst themselves about something. Price finally awakens inside of the bag and begins to thrash about.
Jay Price: "Hey! What the fuck is this shit? I'M NOT DEAD YET ASSHOLES! GET ME OUT OF THIS BAG!"
The men stop their bickering and being to kick at Price.
Jay Price: "FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT OF THIS BAG AND THEN TRY TO COME AT ME!"
As Price continues to thrash about as the men kick at him, one of the men is whacked in the head with a heavy walking stick and drops to the ground. The other men don't even realize that their comrade is down and then another men is dropped by a blow to the head. Now the other two men realize something is going on and they turn around only to catch a shot to the face. All four of the men are down now as Price continues to thrash about from inside of the bag.
Jay Price: "YOU DIRTY ROTTEN MOTHER FUCKERS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS BAG I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR HEADS AND PISS INTO THE GAPING HOLE THAT IS YOUR THROAT! YOU LET ME THE F-"
Price is cut off as the zipper to the bag is slowly pulled open. Bright sunlight immediately hits Price's eyes and he's temporarily blinded as his savior grabs hold of his hand and pulls him up to a sitting position. Price blinks a bunch of times to try and get his sight back.
Jay Price: "All right, look. I don't care who you guys are but I'm going to k-"
Price cuts himself off as his vision comes back and he looks up into the kind, dark eyes of Mahatma Gandhi.
Jay Price: "You...you're him. That guy from that movie Gandhi. You're uh...uh..."
Mahatma: "Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Yeah that was the movie. You're uh...shit what was your name?"
Mahatma: "Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Yes, Gandhi, we've established the name of the movie. But you, you're uh..."
Mahatma: "No, I am Ga..."
Jay Price: "Ben Kingsley! That's it, mother fucking Ben Kingsley. I can't wait to see you play The Mandarin."
Mahatma quickly whacks Price over the head, not hard enough to knock him out, just enough to get him to shut the fuck up for a minute.
Mahatma: "No, I am not Ben Kingsley. I am Mahatma Gandhi."
Jay Price: "Impossible, you were shot over 60 years ago."
Mahatma begins to chuckle and then cuts himself off before whacking Price over the head again.
Mahatma: "Do you really want to stand here all day discussing my mortality? Or would you rather go and save your pasty white friend?"
Jay Price: "Pasty white friend? Bob?"
Mahatma: "I do not know his name, only that he appears to have come from the same land as you."
Jay Price: "Oh what, so all white people look the same to you?"
Price immediately cowers and covers his head but Mahatma jabs him in the chest with the end of his walking stick.
Mahatma: "Enough with the nonsense. You come with me now back to my shelter where you may rest."
Jay Price: "You wouldn't happen to have any Jack on you? Or maybe some Bacardi? I'll drink anything you have as long as it's not Smirnoff."
Mahatma fishes a canteen out from under his robe and tosses it to Price, who opens it up and takes a sniff.
Jay Price: "What is this? I can't smell anything."
Mahatma: "It's water you dope. Drink it before you pass out."
Jay Price: "Water, eh? I seem to remember drinking it once, never really got a taste for it."
Price pinches his nose and takes a few gulps of the water. It's obvious he's not a fan but he passes the canteen back to Mahatma with a look of gratitude on his face. Mahatma tucks it back away and they set off through the desert.
Jay Price: "So you really did a number on those guys back there with your stick. I thought you were all about peace and non-violence, where'd you learn to fight like that?"
Mahatma: "Just because one follows the path of non-violence does not mean one should not know how to protect their body."
Jay Price: "Oh. Yeah I guess the world is full of dicks. You know, like the guy who shot you."
There's no response from Mahatma as he's obviously decided to avoid the discussion. Price still looks a bit skeptical as he seems to be set on this all being a dream. Or perhaps some weird sort of hell where he's forced to walk through a desert and get hit by Gandhi for the rest of eternity. This delusion is only intensified throughout the hours of walking that the pair do, with seemingly no end in sight until finally, off in the distance, a sole hut can be see.
Jay Price: "Tell me that's where we're headed. I can't keep going like this man, my legs feel like they're about to go out from under me."
Mahatma: "Quit being such a whiny little bitch. I used to go on hunger strikes for weeks and I never cried like a little pansy girl."
Jay Price: "Look here old timer, I don't care who the fuck you are, nobody calls Jay Price a li-"
Mahatma quickly whacks Price over the head and he drops to the ground. Mahatma shakes his head as he realizes that now he's going to have to either wait for Price to awake or help him to the hut in his current state. Looking around to make sure that there is no one watching him, Gandhi reaches down, grabs hold of one of Price's hands and then...he fucking flies up into the air. That's right, Gandhi's flying. Well it's more like hovering above the ground but it's still a sight to see. Price's body floats lifelessly in the air as Gandhi grasps his hand tightly and they begin to float toward the hut. The scene quickly switches away from this awesome display back to Bob, who is now standing against a wall, his arms shackled above his head and a chain attatched to ankle. There is a towel wrapped around his waist to save us all from seeing more than we want to see and the burlap sack is still over his head. The door to the room suddenly opens and a man walks in, this one different from the others we've seen. His robe is also white but it's very clean and there are little buttons on it that kind of look like medals. He's wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and walks with a cane, which he uses to jab Bob in the stomach.
Old Man: "You, what is your name."
He speaks in English but with a very heavy accent. Bob begins to stir at the sound of his voice.
Cameraman Bob: "Wha...what? What is this? Where am I?"
The old man quickly jabs Bob in the stomach again.
Old Man: "Your name. Tell me your name."
Cameraman Bob: "Bob. My name is Bob."
The old man chuckles.
Old Man: "You are no longer Bob. From this point forward, you are white woman. You will answer only to that name and speak only when told."
Cameraman Bob: "White woman? What kind of name is th- OH GOD NO! NO! NO! I AM N-"
The old man quickly jabs his cane into Bob's gut a few more times to get his point across. Bob begins sputtering as the old man smiles. He then turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Bob begins sobbing from under the sack as the scene again switches back to Price. Mahatma and Price have finally reached their destination as Gandhi gently settles onto the ground. Price isn't as lucky as he drops onto the sand with a thud. With a groan, Price sits up and rubs his forehead.
Jay Price: "What the fuck? Aww, I was really hoping I was dreaming all of this."
Mahatma: "Come inside, the sun has melted your brain and left you delirious."
Mahatma pulls open the blanket that serves as the door to his hut and steps inside. Price thinks about it for a second and then follows him in. Once inside Price is greeted by a shocking surprise: the inside looks nothing like the outside. Ornate tapestries of peaceful sunsets and other pleasant things adorn the dirt walls. There's furniture and other things that look blatantly out of place in a desert hut. Mahatma motions to a chair and Price takes a seat as he walks into another room. Moments later he reemerges with two glasses of water.
Jay Price: "What, no ice?"
Mahatma: "Stop with the jokes Mr. Price, there isn't always a need for comedy."
Jay Price: "Well excuse me for trying to be the f- wait. How do you know my name."
Mahatma: "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."
Jay Price: "Uh, I'm not. I actually do want to know how you know my name when I never told it to you."
Mahatma: "There are more pressing matters at hand that we need to be focusing on. Namely your comrade that is now in the custody of some very bad men."
Jay Price: "Very bad men?"
Mahatma: "Very, very bad men."
Jay Price: "Just say it for me one more time. I swear you sound just like the guy from Seinf-"
Mahatma: "I SAID NO MORE WITH THE JOKES!"
Gandhi is obviously quite pissed off at the lack of focus coming from Price. Price is taken aback by such an outburst from the well known pacifist.
Jay Price: "All right, all right. I got it, no more jokes. So you said you saw someone who looked American being taken away by some men."
Mahatma: "Yes. I was able to view them from afar while you were wandering the desert. They beat him and then dragged him off, probably back to their little village."
Jay Price: "And you couldn't stop them and save him like you did for me?"
Mahatma: "With you I had the element of surprise. Besides, between the two of you I figured that you would be the one of use to me."
Jay Price: "Of use to you? Use for what?"
Mahatma: "We are going to stick it to those assholes."
Jay Price: "Whoa. That's not like some weird kind of come on is it? Because I'm sorry man but I don't swing that way. You would have been better off with the ot-"
Price is cut off as Mahatma throws his glass at Price, narrowly missing his head.
Mahatma: "Shut up!"
Again Price is taken aback by such an outburst.
Mahatma: "I'm not talking about debauchery you no brained simpleton. I'm talking about going to where these men are stationed and taking them out."
Jay Price: "Where is all of this coming from? I mean really, you're the poster boy for keeping calm and peaceful and shit."
Mahatma: "That is who I was, not who I am now. I can only stand by idly for so long, seeing the things that are happening around me, and not do anything. The time is now and you will come with me."
Jay Price: "I will? Wait a second there slick, I never signed up for some mission. All right, I might look the part but I'm no hero. I'm just a guy that got black out drunk at a bar somewhere and ended up in the desert. Trust me, it happens all of the time."
Mahatma: "Are you really that stupid? You think that this, all of this, can be that easily explained?"
Jay Price: "Well yeah, obviously I really outdid myself with the booze and I ended up-"
Mahatma lunges at Price, tackling him and the chair backward. Gandhi now choking the ever loving shit out of Price with surprising strength.
Mahatma: "You listen to me. This is nothing that your little brain could ever comprehend. You will come with me, you will help me and then we will go our separate ways. Do you understand me?"
Price is able to sputter out a "Yes!" and Gandhi nods his head before releasing his grasp. He wipes the dust off of his robes and then takes his seat as Price coughs. Finally he gets back to his feet and sits back down. Rubbing his throat, he looks over at Gandhi.
Jay Price: "Okay, I'm in, just don't choke me like that again."
Mahatma says nothing as he looks toward the tapestry hanging behind Price.
Jay Price: "So what, we just roll into this little village full of bad guys by ourselves?"
Mahatma: "No. Tonight we rest and then tomorrow we go and we scout the area."
Jay Price: "Okay that's all good and whatnot, but even after that what's the plan? We're going to need a bit more than your walking stick to take out a whole village of guys."
Mahatma: "You don't worry about the plan, simpleton. All you need to do is follow my lead and keep your mouth shut. Now get some sleep."
Gandhi pushes himself out of his seat and heads into another room. A door can heard being shut as Price is left by himself.
Jay Price: "So uh, all right. I guess I'll just take the couch then."
Looking around Price realizes that there is no couch in the hut.
Jay Price: "Or uh, I guess this chair is cool."
The scene fades out to black as Price tries his best to get comfortable in his chair.
- - - - -
The scene fades back in on Price as he's sleeping peacefully, snoring lightly. Suddenly water is thrown into his face, waking him with a jolt. Mahatma is standing in front of him, a clay bowl in hand.
Jay Price: "What the...what the hell? What was that for?"
Mahatma: "It's time."
Jay Price: "Time? The hell it is man, look outside it's still dark. Let me get another hour or two in and then we'll set off."
Mahatma: "I said it is time."
Jay Price: "But it's dark, how are we going to see shit?"
Mahatma: "Quit asking questions and come with me now."
Jay Price: "Fine, I'm up."
Minutes later Price and Mahatma are outside of the hut and walking away.
Jay Price: "So how far away is this village anyway?"
Mahatma: "Not far. We will be there before the sun rises and then use that to conceal ourselves as we watch from the dunes."
Price nods in agreement and they spend the rest of the trek in silence. They reach the base of a large dune just as the sun is starting to rise over the horizon. A short while later they are on top of the dune, lying on their stomachs as they monitor the small village of shacks that we saw Bob get dragged to earlier. With the sun rising slowly behind them their images are well hidden. They're close enough that they can get a basic layout of the village: two dozen or so small shacks all spread out with a larger building a short distance behind them.
Mahatma: "There, that building, you see it?"
Jay Price: "You mean the only one that doesn't look like shit?"
Mahatma: "Yes, that's the one. That is where the leader of this smaller group resides."
Jay Price: "Wait, smaller group? You mean this isn't the whole group?"
Mahatma: "No, not even close. This group is just one of six that make up an entire cult of sorts. You know of terrorists and terrorist leaders, but this is nothing like anything you or your people know of. The man who leads all of these people has a hold over them like nothing ever known. For them, dying for their leader is more than a privilege, it's...it's....I don't even know how to explain it. He treats them worse than stray dogs but they still live to serve him."
Jay Price: "Sounds fucked up."
Mahatma: "I believe that's the first thing you've said that I agree with."
The pair continue to monitor the area when Price spots something in the distance.
Jay Price: "Uh...what the hell is that?"
Price points off into the distance where a large cloud of dust is forming.
Jay Price: "Is it a sandstorm?"
Mahatma: "No, it's much worse. Much, much worse."
There is a look of worry it Mahatma's face as we cut to the cloud of dust and see that it's a convoy of black SUV's and pick-up trucks, all filled with men that look just like the individuals in the village. One of the cars has all of it's windows blacked out and bears symbols and seals that definitely mean something important. We cut again, this time to Bob who is still shackled and crying. We then cut just one more time back to Price and Mahatma.
Jay Price: "Worse? Worse how?"
Mahatma: "It's him. And his men?"
Jay Price: "How many?"
Mahatma: "All of them."
Jay Price: "All of them? Fuck this man. I thought we were boned when you said we'd be investigating a village. But now we're about to be in the vicinity of an entire terrorist organization cult thing and it's leader that they worship like a god? Fuck it. Kill me now Gandhi. Get it over with now because I know those fucks will do much worse if they find me here."
Mahatma: "Calm yourself now. I was not expecting for this to happen today but I was prepared nonetheless."
Jay Price: "Prepared? You're prepared for this? Unless you've got a fucking army packing some serious heat under that robe of yours we're fucked. I say we get the hell out of here now while we still can."
Mahatma: "I said calm yourself now. I have the situation at hand."
Jay Price: "Oh really? Well those cars are a few hundred yards away and closing fast. And from the looks of it, those people in the village weren't expecting this either because they're running around like chickens with their heads cut off."
Mahatma: "Good. They're busy which buys me time."
Jay Price: "Time? Time for what? Time to write out your will in the sand?"
Mahatma ignores Price as he makes his way back down the dune. Price takes a last look at the arriving convoy of cars before joining Mahatma at the bottom of the dune.
Jay Price: "So what do we do?"
Mahatma: "We do nothing. You stand over there and keep quiet. I need full concentration."
Price takes a few steps back as Ghandi sits down on the ground, legs crossed. He closes his eyes and begins rocking back and forth as he whispers to himself.
Jay Price: "Come on man, prayer is not going to help us right now. We need to get the fuck out of here, figure out a plan and we need to d-"
Price is cut off as Gandhi begins to rock back and forth more violently and his whispering turns to normal volume.
Jay Price: "Will you knock that off? They're going to hear you!"
Gandhi is in his own little world as he continues his almost trance like state. The sand around him begins to vibrate as Price can only look on in awe. Sand is now rising up into the air and it begins to swirl all around Gandhi.
Jay Price: "What the fuck?!?!"
Price has to duck down and shield his eyes as the little swirl of sand turns into an almost sand tornado with Gandhi at the center. Suddenly, without warning, there's a flash of bright light as the sand all drops and Gandhi's eyes open.
Mahatma: "It is done."
Jay Price: "It is done? What the fuck was that? What did you just do?"
Mahatma: "I made a call for help."
Jay Price: "A call for help? Dude, there's these things called phones. You might want to consider getting yourself one."
Mahatma: "Shush."
Jay Price: "You're telling me to shush? You just created a sand tornado and a flash of lighting and I need to shush?"
Mahatma: "I will choke you out once again if you do not shush."
Price holds his hands up in the air in defeat as he remains quiet. The scene switches to the village where everyone is going about their business. Except for the leader. The men he arrived with are conversing with the regular villagers but he is looking in the opposite direction. He could have sworn he just saw a flash of light from the other side of the dune he's looking at. With a smirk, he turns to his men and shouts at them in their language. We cut back to Price and Gandhi before we can see what his men do next. Price is standing with his arms crossed as Gandhi remains seated, staring out into the desert as if he's waiting for someone.
Jay Price: "May I talk now?"
Mahatma: "I'd rather you not but go ahead."
Jay Price: "Who exactly did you call?"
Mahatma: "As I said before, I called for help."
Jay Price: "I know that, but who did you call?"
Mahatma: "I called for no one, I merely asked for help."
Jay Price: "So what, you sent out an S.O.S and now we're waiting for someone to come?"
Mahatma: "Look at that, you were able to figure it out all on your own."
Jay Price: "Why not ask for someone particular to come. You know, like someone who we know could help. How do you know a bunch of squirrels aren't going to show up."
Mahatma: "Because I have faith."
Jay Price: "Hmm, faith. Now there's something I don't have much of these days."
Mahatma: "You must always have faith."
Jay Price: "Yeah well, when you've lived the life I have it's kind of hard to have fai- hold on. What's that?"
Off in the distance there is a faint black dot on the horizon. It's impossible to tell what it is but it's slowly but surely growing closer.
Mahatma smiles.
Mahatma: "Help."
The scene switches back to the other side of the dune as a pair of men are slowly and quietly climbing up the side. They reach the top and peer over cautiously where they see Price standing behind a seated Gandhi, talking about something. The two men retreat back down the dune quickly and back to the village where they report to their leader. He shouts out a few things in his language and suddenly an entire group of men, some with clubs and others with sacks full of rocks, begin to run toward the dune screaming. The scene switches back to Price and Gandhi who had been in the middle of talking when they heard the screaming.
Jay Price: "What the hell is that?"
Mahatma: "The beginning of the end."
Jay Price: "What?"
Mahatma: "Ready yourself, Mr. Price, the time is upon us."
Gandhi raises himself to his feet and readies his walking stick as Price looks around. He spots a rock and picks it up.
Jay Price: "So uh, yeah I guess this will work."
Mahatma shakes his head, reaches under his robe and pulls out a nerf gun. Price looks shocked as all hell as Mahatma tosses him the toy.
Jay Price: "What the hell? A nerf gun? What the hell am I supp-"
Price is cut off as a horde of terrorists appear at the top of the dune and begin running down toward them. Price screams out in terror and out of instinct points the toy gun at the group and pulls the trigger. Rather than a toy dart coming out, a real dart comes out and sticks one of the terrorists in the chest. He takes a step forward and then falls down dead. That's right, poison darts.
Jay Price: "How in the hell?"
Mahatma: "DON'T ASK QUESTIONS YOU IDIOT! JUST SHOOT!"
Price complies and just starts unleashing a swarm of poison darts at the terrorists. He takes out quite a few but barely puts a dent in the group. He starts to turn to run away when he sees Gandhi readying himself to make a stand.
Jay Price: "WE HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
Mahatma: "WE FIGHT NOW!"
Mahatma screams out in rage and then starts unleashing bolts of lighting from the end of his walking stick. Price is left in awe as terrorist after terrorist is dropped to the ground. Price now turning back around and he joins back in the fight, shooting darts at the terrorists. Finally the remaining one decide this plan isn't working and they hightail it back up the dune, with Gandhi and Price taking down the stragglers. They retreat back to the village as Price looks on proudly.
Jay Price: "All right, I guess we showed those mother fuckers."
Price looks to get a high five from Gandhi but is left hanging.
Mahatma: "You think we've won. Ha. Mr. Price that was nothing but the first wave of many. They now know that we are here and that we are ready for a fight. That...that wasn't even enough to be considered a warm-up for what we are going to be facing."
Jay Price: "...fuck me. So what now?"
Mahatma: "Now...now we welcome our help."
Mahatma and Price turn around just in time to see help arrive in the form of a single man.
Chuck Norris.
That's right, Mahatma Gandhi asked for help with this mission and the heavens sent him a god damn one man army. Price looks like he's about to wet himself in excitement over seeing Chuck Norris but manages to keep his cool and offer a simple head nod. Mahatma touches Norris on the shoulder and nods. Norris does nothing. There's no need for him to say a thing because he's here only to fight.
Jay Price: "So the three of us should be able to handle this, right?"
Gandhi shakes his head.
Mahatma: "We have the might, but now we need the brains. We need a man who knows War and can lead men into an insurmountable battle and win."
Jay Price: "You don't mean..."
Gandhi nods his head and then raises his walking stick into the air before slamming it into the ground. The ground shakes and begins to slowly crack as Price and Norris both take a step back. The crack in the ground grows until finally flames begin to shoot up into the air. Rush's "Tom Sawyer" begins to kick in from out of nowhere as, from out of the flames of hell, emerges a flaming unicorn. It flies up into the sky and begins shooting rainbow colored flames from it's mouth. It finally lands on the ground and we can all see that it's rider is the greatest general in the history of America. The General of Generals. The 1st President of the United States, George Washington.
...or at least what used to be George Washington because right now he looks like a mother fucking zombie.
The former President looks down at Gandhi, Chuck Norris and Jay Price from his mighty flaming unicorn with confidence.
Mahatma: "Good to see you again George."
George Washington: "And you as well Mahatma."
Jay Price: "Wait a second. Now I slept through a lot of school but weren't you guys separated by like a hundred and fifty or so years? How do you know each other?"
Mahatma: "As I told you earlier, do not ask questions you don't want to know the answers to."
Jay Price: "Fuck it, this is too god damn awesome for me to even care anymore."
George Washington: "Who is this foul mouthed devil?"
Mahatma: "He is merely here to help retrieve his companion."
George Washington: "Fine. You just follow my lead and try not to get yourself killed."
Jay Price: "Aye aye."
George Washington: "And what in the hell is that weapon you're carrying?"
Jay Price: "Poison dart shooting nerf gun apparently."
Washington scoffs at the absurdity of such a weapon.
Jay Price: "And what exactly are you laughing at George? What do you have as a weapon? Some sort of old sword or something?"
Washington stops scoffing and reaches down to his side before pulling up a pain of Axe Nunchucks. That's right, not nunchucks. Axe Nunchucks. Obviously Price is no longer doubting President Washington.
Jay Price: "All right well this is all that Gandhi gave me. When I woke up here I had nothing. Not even a drop of booze."
Washington shakes his head and then reaches down into the saddle bag on his flaming unicorn. He comes up with something and tosses it to Price. It's an Iron Man Wrist Mounted Missile Launcher. Price quickly straps it to his wrist, not bothering to ask any questions.
George Washington: "Now then. From what I was able to see from down below..."
Jay Price: "Real quick, if I may. Why exactly did you end up going to hell? I figured with all the great things you did you had a direct ticket up."
George Washington: "The answer, my dear boy, is whores."
Jay Price: "Whores?"
George Washington: "Whores. Many, many whores."
Jay Price: "So ole' George liked the strange?"
George Washington: "You're god damn right."
Zombie Washington shoots Price a wink, which is just amazing as it sounds.
George Washington: "Now then, as I was saying. From what I was able to see from down below we're dealing with a massive group of individuals set up on the other side of that dune. They've already tried to get the better of you and Mr. Price over there by coming over the dune. The way I see it, when they come back they're going to come in one wave from over the dune and around both sides in an attempt to catch us off guard."
Jay Price: "Is there any way we can head them off?"
George Washington: "Head them off? Ha. My boy we aren't going to wait for them to come to us, we're going to take it straight to them."
Jay Price: "..."
George Washington: "Have faith Mr. Price, we can do this."
Jay Price: "Fuck it. I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's go kill us some mother fucking terrorists Zombie President Washington, Mahatma Gandhi and Chuck Norris."
"Tom Sawyer" by Rush kicks in once again, this time with the volume cranked all the fucking way up to 12. Price, Zombie George, Gandhi and Chuck Norris march straight up the hill and then right down it toward the village. Terrorists pour out of the shacks and run right at the group. Price begins firing poison darts from both his nerf gun and his wrist launcher. Washington hops off of his flaming unicorn and begins chopping down terrorists with his axe nunchucks as the unicorn runs around impaling them on it's horn. Gandhi is beating fools senseless with his walking stick before frying them with his lightning powers. And Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris is roundhousing fucking terrorists into the sky like he was a giant from Skyrim. This goes on for many glorious hours. At one point Zombie Washington hops onto his unicorn and rides around the sky, blasting terrorists and their shacks with rainbow fire. Gandhi apparently has run out of electric energy so he grasps his walking stick and pulls a full length katana out of it. That's right, his walking stick was a sheath, deal with it. Hours have passed and there are dead terrorist bodies laying all over the place, some in stacks. Finally the leader of the terrorists emerges from the large building out back of the shacks, pushing a naked Bob in front of him.
Jay Price: "What the fuck Bob?!?!"
Cameraman Bob: "JAY! HOLY SHIT HE-"
The terrorist leader whacks Bob in the back of the head with the pistol in his hand.
Old Man: "You've killed all of my men! Who do you think you are?"
Jay Price: "Well first..."
Price turns and shoots a terrorists that had tried to sneak up on him in the forehead with a poison dart.
Jay Price: "...now we've killed all of your men."
Old Man: "You mock me? ME?!?! How dare you be so ignorant to my greatness. You will pay, all of you. I will take great pride in seeing all of you put down like the lowly dogs you are."
Jay Price: "Hey that's just great. But there's just one problem with that."
Old Man: "Oh? And what is that?"
Jay Price: "That."
Zombie George Washington and his flaming unicorn swoop down from the sky as Price points them out. The old man turns around just in time to catch a horn to the head and be dragged off into the air. The unicorn blasts the body with rainbow fire and it falls back to the earth with a thud. Poor Bob drops to the ground and begins hurling as Price, Gandhi and Norris all look on disapprovingly.
Jay Price: "Really Bob? You have to do that in front of these guys?"
.....
.....
20 April 2013
1230
Voice: "Okay I'm going to have to stop you now."
The scene quickly cuts to the inside of a fancy office where Jay Price is sitting in front of a man that looks like he's ready to throw up himself.
Jay Price: "Wait what? But there's still more to tell you about. I mean, we just go Bob and ther-"
Man: "No, for fucks sake just stop now, I don't want to hear any more."
Jay Price: "But this is easily the greatest idea in history. Why would you not want to make this movie?"
Man: "Movie? This isn't a movie Mr. Price, this is a story. A horribly written story that I'm assuming was dreamed up by a six year old with some serious psychological issues."
Jay Price: "Actually I thought it up you jackass."
Man: "Well then you are going to need some serious professional help if you think that shit story would make even a decent movie."
Jay Price: "What the hell is wrong with it?"
Man: "First off, the plot is just ridiculous. You wake up in a desert and then join forces with Gandhi, Chuck Norris and a Zombie George Washington to fight terrorists. How...how is that even possible?"
Jay Price: "Well I never said it was a real story. Besides, this is worlds better than the shit remakes and unoriginal ideas you guys have been coming up with as of late."
Man: "Okay you know what, you just need to get out of my office now. I don't even know why I thought it would be a good idea to meet with you. You're a wrestler, what are you even doing writing a movie?"
Jay Price: "I figured I had the next billion dollar summer cash cow. I mean, think about the profits you'd see if you put this out the 4th of July weekend."
Man: "Get. Out. Now."
Jay Price: "Oh come on, any American would die to see this movie. Are you not an American or something?"
Man: "Actually I'm Canadian."
Jay Price: "Canadian?"
Man: "Yes, Canadian."
Jay Price: "Well then fuck you, eh."
Price stands up, reaches out and knocks a bunch of shit off of the guy's desk and then turns to leave. He reaches the door and walks right back out to where the receptionist had been eavesdropping. As Price walks past her desk, she speaks up.
Receptionist: "I loved your idea, Mr. Price."
Price looks back and sees quite possible the most gorgeous red haired female he'd ever seen.
Jay Price: "Why thank you Mrs. ..."
Receptionist: "Oh jeez, Samantha Greene. And it's not Misses, it's just Miss."
Jay Price: "Well now isn't that just wonderful. Tell me, Ms. Greene, are you hungry?"
Samantha Greene: "Quite famished actually."
Jay Price: "Well what's say you take your lunch break and you and I go to this little restaurant around the corner that I know."
Samantha Greene: "That'd be amazing. Let me just get my purse."
She grabs her purse and yells to her boss that she's going to lunch. He yells something back that inaudible but she doesn't bother to repeat herself as she meets Jay by the elevator.
Samantha Greene: "So Mr. Price, he actually had a pretty good point. With you being a wrestler and all, why would you be taking the time to write up movie ideas? I mean, you've already got a really good career going for you now."
Jay Price: "First off, you're going to have to drop the Mr. Price stuff. Just call me Jay. And as for the movie idea stuff, I'm just looking for that little insurance policy just in case something would happen to me in the future. You know, this neck of mine might just not be able to hold up if I keep getting dropped on my head."
Samantha Greene: "But why movies? I'm sure there's plenty of things you could be doing."
Jay Price: "There are, I suppose, I just always kind of had a thing for the creative. I'm always having these ideas for movies and other things and I've just grown so tired of seeing the same old drivel being pushed by movie studios each year. I guess I just thought the time was right for something new."
Samantha Greene: "Well you definitely came to the wrong studio if that's what you're looking for. That jackass you were talking to has a serious thing for sequels and remakes. He's shot down every original idea I've seen presented to him because he thinks that the safe money is with the stuff the public has already seen."
Jay Price: "Well if you don't mind me asking, if you have such a negative attitude about him, why work for him?"
Samantha Greene: "Oh come on, just because you have a set career doesn't mean that everyone in the world has one. It's tough out there. You have to fight to get a job and then fight to keep it, even if you hate it."
Jay Price: "I suppose."
The elevator arrives at the lobby of the office building and Price and Ms. Greene step out.
Jay Price: "I hope I'm not being too forward here with you Mr. Greene, but if you would ever want to get out of this hell hole and away from that jackass of a boss, I could offer you a position working for me."
Ms. Greene raises an eyebrow.
Samantha Greene: "Was that a line? Are you trying to pick me up Jay?"
Price chuckles.
Jay Price: "I meant a position working in my tower. I've got 43 floors full of everything you could imagine and to be honest, you'd be getting paid to do very little work."
Samantha Greene: "I don't know..."
Jay Price: "Think about it. But for now, let's just enjoy lunch."
The scene fades out as Price holds open the door for the lady.
- - - - -
21 April 2013
0530
The scene slowly fades back in on the inside of "Jay Fucking Price's Fucking Tower". More specifically, it's the inside of his bedroom. It's pitch black but we can see now because Price has just fired up a camcorder and has it set to night vision mode. We can see the form of someone shifting under the blankets beside him as Price lays back on his pillow and points the camera down at his face.
Jay Price: "So last week was a disappointment, to say the least. I had some rather big plans in place that had to be put on hold because my opponent needed to take some emergency leave to be with. Kind of an annoyance having to shut down everything that I had planned, but it was for the best I suppose. I mean, why waste what would have been an amazing show on a night when I was just thrown into a random match. I mean, this week isn't much better, what with being in a thrown together six man tag and all, but at least now Fly and Striker will be out there with me to join in the festivities."
The person laying beside Jay moans softly and Price reaches over with his free hand and rubs their shoulder.
Jay Price: "Shh, back to sleep. I'm just doing a little business before I forget."
The person rolls back onto their side as Price smiles and then looks back to the camera.
Jay Price: "As you can see I'm going to have to keep this short. Then again I suppose I really don't have to put a ton of effort into this little video promo. I mean that would just against everything. I put barely effort into getting ready for this match. I put next to no effort in trying to learn about my opponents. And my opponents just flat out put no effort into anything they do. You know...fuck where do I even start? With the failed actor? Maybe the european pretty boy with money? Oh no wait, I got it, the Ninja. Yeah, maybe I should start with...the fucking Ninja.
Nah, fuck a Ninja. Fuck a Ninja and while we're at it, let's just go ahead and say fuck a Rebellion because that's obviously the mentality of that group. Honestly, you'd think that a group of guys supposedly trying their damndest to get noticed would actually...I don't know, maybe try working to get noticed. I'm not sure if they have noticed or not but losing matches isn't going to get you shit in this business. It's got nothing to do with Pantheon guys. We aren't holding anyone back. We're not denying people title shots. We're just not into giving struggling, consistently losing schlubs rewards for doing nothing. This isn't a case of the 1% giving the 99% the finger, it's just a case of us telling you to fucking doing something if you want something in return. You don't like it? You think you should be given the world on a silver platter in return for doing nothing? Then there's the fucking exit, feel free to leave anytime you want.
Voice (groaning): "Uhhhh...Jay is that you?"
Price turns the camera to the side to give the viewers a glimpse of Samantha Greene before turning off the night vision light and setting the camera off to the side. We can't see anything but we can hear it all.
Jay Price: "Yeah, sorry about that."
Ms. Greene: "Were you talking to someone?"
Jay Price: "It was a phone call. A work think for tonight."
Ms. Greene (yawning): "Oh okay. Is it really almost 6? I should get going or I'll be late for work."
Jay Price: "Oh really? Well allow me to convince you other wise..."
The scene fades out to black as we can hear the covers on the bed rustling.
