Post by Pantheon on Mar 24, 2013 15:17:59 GMT -5
Facepalm.
No, ladies and gentlemen, you’re not at a toga party. All those people wearing white sheets as attire aren’t your college friends. This is, in fact, a KKK meeting. This particular meeting is taking place whogivesafuckwhere and is being attended by Corey Black and Jonny Fly. Corey Black is cleverly disguised as a, uh, white supremacist, with the whole white sheet over his head with the eyes poked out thing going on. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly is dressed as…Jonny Fly. His dress shirt, dress slacks, dress shoes, and sunglasses likely cost more than the yearly salary of this meeting’s participants put together. He is not wearing KKK garb because, let’s just get this out in the open, he has no fucking idea why he’s here. Nevertheless, he stands next to Corey Black as the two of them make their way down the aisle of some random auditorium before taking a seat.
Fly: I can’t believe you talked me into this.
Black: These. Mother. Fuckers. Will. All. Die.
Fly: I mean, whatever, I’m just saying I’m missing an…appointment…for this.
Black: Yo, you were tryin’ to get up with Kate Winslet weren’t you?
Fly: …no.
Corey Black reaches under his sheet/shirt/robe and brings out a slice of watermelon.
Black: You want to get up on some of this watermelon, homie?
Fly: You’re seriously going to eat watermelon at a KKK meeting? Isn’t that like a dead giveaway?
Black: I LIKE THE WAY IT TASTES MOTHERFUCKER. YOU CRACKER ASS BITCH I WILL LIGHT YOU ON…
Everyone in the room is now staring at Corey Black, causing him to stop.
Black: Uh…
Fly quells the situation.
Fly: My extremely white friend next to me has Tourette’s syndrome. It’s not polite to stare.
Black: NAH, SON, I’M NOT WHITE! FUCK THAT SHIT!
More facepalm. Now a congregation of about 30 white supremacists know that there is a black person in their midst. They are not happy. A man on the auditorium’s stage yells out through a microphone.
White Supremacist Man: Unmask yourself!
Everyone in the audience cheers in agreement.
Fly: Seriously guys, he just has Tourette’s. Let’s get to the anti-black people part of this meeting, shall we?
White Supremacist Man: Shut up! You shouldn’t even be here; you’re not even wearing the proper attire. You’re not even a member, are you?
So, yeah, Jonny Fly doesn’t like to be told to shut up. He slowly rises out of his seat with his eyes fixed on the toga-man on stage.
Fly: I may be mistaken. I admit, the words could have gotten muffled since they’re coming from behind a fucking sheet, but did you just tell me to shut up?
White Supremacist Man: YES! You don’t belong here.
Fly: Well, now I have to kill you.
Fly is about to make his way to the aisle before Corey Black reaches out and grabs his hand. Black rises to his feet.
Black: Hold on, homie. If they want me to unmask, I will.
Black takes off his sheet and to the shock of all in attendance…he’s white.
White Supremacist Man: I don’t understand. Why is he taking like he’s black?
Black: WHAT, BITCH!?
White Supremacist Man: Seriously, what is wrong with him? Get him to a doctor or something.
Black: Nah, fool. Everyone knows those motherfuckin’ doctors don’t give a shit about black people. BIAS in healthcare, son. Just like the fuckin’ government. You ever seen some roads in the suburbs? Fuckin’ beautiful. I could eat off them. Where I’m from, my neighborhood, our roads got motherfuckin’ pot holes, dead animals, we ain’t got no yellow lines them shits is as BLACK as my ass.
Fly: Dude, you live in a castle.
White Supremacist Man: Castle? What?
Black: Fuck you Fly, you don’t know me!
Fly: Yes I do.
??: MAYBE I COULD BE OF ASSISTANCE?
Hold on to your top hats people, Abraham Lincoln just stepped on to the stage. He gets in a ninja stance and then destroys White Supremacist Man with a vicious karate chop. Abe (as I like to call him) steps toward the microphone.
Abraham Lincoln: You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
Black: What you be talkin’ about?
Abraham Lincoln: Honestly, I don’t know. That’s just one of my famous quotes and it seemed to work in this situation, you know, since you’re pretending to be black.
Black: Pretending!? WHAT?
Fly: Yo, Abraham Lincoln just called you out.
Black: You’re white, don’t say yo.
Fly: That’s ironic coming from you.
Abraham Lincoln: Alright, enough you two. Please state your purpose for being here.
Black: Aight. I just wanted to say that Adam Young is a bucktoothed southerner who is racist and I demand his head!
Fly: Okay, so now you’re going with ‘Black Viking?’
Black: Shut-up Fly! I demand that these people relinquish Adam Young from their custody and give him to me!
White Supremacist man is back on his feet, and confused.
White Supremacist Man: Who is Adam Young?
Black: Pshh. Yo dawg, you ain’t foolin’ me. Give me Young.
White Supremacist Man: I’m honestly confused. I have no idea who that person is.
Black: He’s one of you people, I demand that you unveil him!
Fly: Unbelievable. You wanted to come here to find Adam Young?
Black: Yeah bro, I have a machete that is missing him.
Fly: Seriously man, Price and I have Young covered this week. This is a big waste of time. It’s Adam Young for christ sake, he’s as good at wrestling as Abraham Lincoln was at not getting shot in the head.
Abraham Lincoln: Wait, what are we talking about again?
Fly: Nothing, he and I are leaving.
Black: No we’re not! Not until we find Adam Young and I stab him with a machete for crimes against my people!
Fly: We’ll see him on Sunday, dude. I’ll stab him with a machete during the match for you. Come on, let’s get out of here.
Fly and Black walk back up the aisle away from the KKK folk. The screen goes blank and immediately fades back in with Jonny Fly lying in his bed. Fly immediately sits up and looks around.
Fly: Phew. Just a dream. I actually thought I was going to have to kill that motherfucker.
Fly phone rings. It’s Corey Black. Fly picks up.
Black: Yo, remember dawg, you promised to kill Adam Young for me on Sunday.
Fly: Oh, god dammit.
Scene Fades
Cameraman Bob: "Oh come on!"
The exasperated tone of Cameraman Bob greets us as the scene slowly fades in on the inside of "Jay Fu-
Wait. We're not inside of "Jay Fucking Price's Fucking Tower". What sorcery is this? Instead, as the scene slowly fades in, we find ourselves looking at rows of helicopters. Jay Price and Cameraman Bob are standing in the middle of an enormous lot, surrounded by various types of helicopters.
Cameraman Bob: "There is no way in hell you can afford all of this stuff on a CFO's salary. Where are you getting all of this extra cash from?"
Jay Price: "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to Bob."
Cameraman Bob: "But I do!"
Jay Price: "No Bob. No you don't."
Price and Bob begin to walk around the lot, followed by an unknown cameraman filling in admirably for Bob.
Cameraman Bob: "Oh this one looks cool!"
Jay Price: "No one asked you Bob. Now this one here I like."
Price begins to look around.
Jay Price: "Now where in the hell is a salesman when you need one?"
Cameraman Bob: "I'll go see if I can track one down."
Bob scampers off as Price runs his hand over the front of the helicopter, a smile on his face.
Jay Price: "That's right, you're coming home with me tonight."
Price's eyes close as he steps forward, arms extended, and hugs the copter.
Robotic Voice: "Good. Choice. That. Is. An. Excellent. Model."
Price is snapped from his dreamy state by a robotic voice that is all too familiar.
Jay Price: "No...no it can't be."
Price lowers his arms, turns around and comes face to- well technically he also has to look down first- face with former WCF Television Champion turned drooling cripple turned helicopter salesman Aaron Miles. The former "Epitome Of Cool" is looking far from his glory days, what with the drool on his collar.
Aaron Miles: "Jay. Price. You. Bastard."
Jay Price: "Good to see you to Miles. How's things?"
Aaron Miles: "Really?"
Jay Price: "Err...so uh you're selling helicopters now?"
Aaron Miles: "No. I. Own. This. Place."
Jay Price: "Well that's good, uh, so..."
Aaron Miles: "You. Want. This. One?"
Jay Price: "Yeah it really caught my eye."
Aaron Miles: "Not. For. Sale. You. Douche. Bag."
Jay Price: "Douchebag? The hell did I ever do to you?"
Aaron Miles: "The. Christ. Mas. Party. Last. Year."
Jay Price: "Are you still pissed about that? Look, I already told you I was simply trying to win a bet. How was I supposed to know that a wheelchair couldn't float in a pool?"
Aaron Miles: "Every. One. Knows. That."
Jay Price: "Well now they do."
Aaron Miles: "I. Almost. Drowned."
Jay Price: "But you didn't!"
Aaron Miles: "Go. Now. I. Will. Call. Police!"
Jay Price: "Oh come on, I want my copter!"
Aaron Miles: "Never!"
Miles' wheelchair turns itself around and he zooms off toward the office. Price, realizing he's in no-win situation, yells for Bob and the starts walking to the parking lot. Along the way he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
Jay Price: "The bastard wants to play games? All right. Time for me to bring in the back-up."
Price opens up the door to his car and settles into the backseat as Bob finally appears.
Cameraman Bob: "What's going on? Aren't you getting a copter today?"
Jay Price: "Oh I'm getting one. But first we need to go pick up someone."
Cameraman Bob: "Who?"
Jay Price: "You'll see."
The scene fades out to black as Bob climbs into the drivers seat and the car pulls away.
[Several Hours Later]
The scene fades back in as a white passenger van pulls into the parking lot of the Helicopter Retail Center owned by Aaron Miles. The back door opens and Price steps out, a confident look on his face. Bob gets out of the car, walks around to the other back door and opens it up.
Cameraman Bob: "So do I have to..."
Jay Price: "Yes Bob, you have to help him."
Cameraman Bob [whispering to himself]: "I don't remember signing up for this."
Bob hits a button inside of the van and a little ramp pops out and extends itself to the ground. Bob then walks up the ramp into the van and then comes back down pushing Jeff Purse's wheelchair.
Jeff Purse: "This isn't the ice cream parlor!"
Jay Price: "Yeeeah..."
Jeff Purse: "Damn it! You told me were getting ice cream!"
Jay Price: "And we are! But first I need your help with something."
Jeff Purse: "And what is that exactly?"
Jay Price: "Uh....you'll see. Come on Bob."
Price turns and walks toward the office as Bob follows, pushing a very unhappy looking Jeff Purse. As Price approaches the office, the door opens and Aaron Miles rolls out the door and down the ramp.
Aaron Miles: "I. Told. You. No. Sale."
Jay Price: "Yeah, I know you did. But I've got someone here who might change your mind."
Price steps to the side as Bob pushes Jeff forward.
Jeff Purse: "What the...Aaron Miles?"
Aaron Miles: "What. Is. This. Shit?"
Jeff Purse: "Yeah what is this?"
Jay Price: "Well I, uh, I figured since you two were both in the same...situation...that maybe you could talk some sense into him Jeff."
Jeff Purse: "Situation? Oh, you mean because we're both in wheelchairs?"
Jay Price: "Uh...yeah this is a little more awkward than I imagined it."
Jeff Purse: "How'd you imagine it? That I'd just come on down here and speak his cripple language to fix whatever mess you got yourself into?"
Jay Price: "Well yeah."
Aaron Miles: "Douche. Bag."
Jay Price: "Look here you..."
Jeff Purse: "He's right. You are a douchebag. You think just because myself and robot boy over there are in whe..."
Aaron Miles: "Who. Are. You. Call. Ing. Robot. Boy. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "...did you just call me a dick?"
Aaron Miles: "Yes. I. Did. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "Call me a dick one more time."
Aaron Miles: "Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "Oh it's on."
Aaron Miles: "Bring. It."
Some dramatic music begins to play in the background (because seriously, fuck logic, we're about to witness something amazing) as Aaron Miles begins to slowly turn his wheelchair to the side and move. Bob begins to push Jeff in his wheelchair and soon both men are circling each other like wrestlers in a ring.
Jay Price: "Well this escalated quickly."
The cameraman turns away from the action for a second to look at Price, who somehow now has a bag of popcorn from which he is snacking.
Cameraman: "Where the hell did you get popcorn?"
Jay Price: "Screw the details, get back to the cripple fight!"
The cameraman gets back to the action just as something is finally happening. Miles is going top speed, which really isn't that fast, right at Jeff head on. Bob pushes Jeff forward and the two collide...although it really isn't much seeing as how neither man can feel anything in their legs.
Jeff Purse: "A little help Bob?"
Cameraman Bob: "Gladly."
Bob reaches down, grabs Jeff's arm and pulls it up. Bob swings Jeff's arm and Jeff's hand slaps Miles across the face.
Aaron Miles: "Not. Fair."
Bob does it again, this time with the back of the hand.
Jay Price: "How big of a market do you think there is for footage like this?"
Cameraman: "My guess is pretty big."
A salesman that works for Miles finally appears and, rather than immediately calling the police like a normal person would do, he runs over to Miles and grabs one of his arms. A back and forth slap fight ensues as Purse and Miles hurl insults at one another.
Cameraman: "So this is looking like it's going nowhere."
Jay Price: "Yeah, when neither guy can feel pain it kind of ruins the fight."
Cameraman: "So what's the plan?"
Jay Price: "Well I figure there's only one logical thing I can do at this point."
Price walks over to Bob and taps him on the shoulder. Bob nods his head and steps away as Price takes hold of Jeff's chair and pulls him back.
Jeff Purse: "Hey! I was winning!"
Aaron Miles: "Were. Not."
Jeff Purse: "Let me at that RoboBitch!"
Jay Price: "Save it for the next time champ. Bob, if you'd do the honors."
Bob nods and then snaps off a superkick to the salesman's jaw. Bob then takes hold of Jeff's chair once again as Price walks up to Miles.
Jay Price: "All right, let's cut the shit Miles. I want a helicopter and you're going to sell me one."
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. Off."
Jay Price: "Let's try that again."
Price walks over to the side of Miles chair, grabs hold and begins to tip it over.
Aaron Miles: "Stop. That. Now!"
Jay Price: "Are you going to quit being a dick and sell me a copter?"
Aaron Miles: "Never!"
Price tilts the chair a bit more.
Jay Price: "How about now?"
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. Off."
Jay Price: "Have it your way."
Price tips the chair over completely, sending Miles rolling onto the ground.
Jay Price: "Now?"
Aaron Miles: "Fine! You. Win. Now. Get. Me. Up!"
Jay Price: "I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you."
Aaron Miles: "Get. Me. Up! You. Win!"
Price smiles and looks over at Bob.
Jay Price: "You heard the man Bob, help him up."
Bob walks over, sets Miles' chair back up and then places him in it.
Jay Price: "So glad we could work things out Aaron."
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. You."
Miles turns his chair around and rolls toward the office.
Jay Price: "Bob you make sure that Jeff get's back home safely. I'll see you back at the Tower once I'm done here."
Bob nods and Price turns to head toward the office, leaving Bob and Jeff alone with the unconscious salesman.
Jeff Purse: "So are we still going to get ice cream?"
Cameraman Bob: "I don't have any cash on me. How about you?"
Jeff Purse: "My wallet's back at my house."
Cameraman Bob: "Hmm."
There's a groan from the salesman. Jeff and Bob both look at each other.
Jeff Purse: "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
Bob doesn't say a word as he steps forward and begins rummaging through the salesman's pockets. Bob finally finds a wallet and pulls out a twenty before he hightails it out of there, pushing Jeff toward the van. The scene fades out as Bob pushes Jeff up the van's ramp.
[Even More Hours Later]
Jeff Purse: "I HATE YOU PRICE!"
The scene fades back in on the inside of Jay Price's newly bought helicopter as it's flying around above Philadelphia. Price and Jeff are both sitting in seats in the back as a pair of girls in barely there lingerie dance about in front of Price.
Jay Price: "How can you hate me? Look at where we are! Look at who we're with!"
Jeff Purse: "I have a girlfriend!"
Jay Price: "So? Who's fault is that?"
Jeff Purse: "I want to go home."
Jay Price: "Oh quit being such a party pooper. Enjoy the scenery."
Jeff Purse: "I can't."
Jay Price: "Why?"
Jeff Purse: "Because you put me in a seat away from the window."
Jay Price: "And?"
Jeff Purse: "And? AND? I CAN'T MOVE!"
Jay Price: "Oh yeah, that's right."
Price goes back to enjoying the show in front of him as Jeff shuts his eyes and begins to wonder why he bothers to hang out with Price. Price's phone then begins to ring.
Jay Price: "Oh come on!"
Price pulls the phone from his pocket, sees that it's Fly and answers it.
Jay Price: "Yeah? ... Yeah Jeff's with me. ... Yep, that's a helicopter you hear. I finally got myself one. ... What's that? Our match? Come on man, why are you even tripping about that shit? It's only Adam Young and, uh, whatever inbred hick that he found down in that little camp where he gets all of his tag team partners. ... I know right, just a bunch of cousin screwing rednecks pumping out little future tag team partners for Adam Young. ... Look I'm kind of in the middle of something ... yeah, that's stripper music you hear over the sound of the copter ... Oh yeah, you know I'm going to get some of that ... all right, you want to talk to Jeff? ... Nope, okay. Later Fly."
Price tosses the phone over to Purse, who of course can't catch it. Price doesn't even notice that the phone hits the ground and breaks into pieces, he's too busy watching the girls in front of him. Jeff let's out a sigh and closes his eyes as the scene fades out.
No, ladies and gentlemen, you’re not at a toga party. All those people wearing white sheets as attire aren’t your college friends. This is, in fact, a KKK meeting. This particular meeting is taking place whogivesafuckwhere and is being attended by Corey Black and Jonny Fly. Corey Black is cleverly disguised as a, uh, white supremacist, with the whole white sheet over his head with the eyes poked out thing going on. Meanwhile, Jonny Fly is dressed as…Jonny Fly. His dress shirt, dress slacks, dress shoes, and sunglasses likely cost more than the yearly salary of this meeting’s participants put together. He is not wearing KKK garb because, let’s just get this out in the open, he has no fucking idea why he’s here. Nevertheless, he stands next to Corey Black as the two of them make their way down the aisle of some random auditorium before taking a seat.
Fly: I can’t believe you talked me into this.
Black: These. Mother. Fuckers. Will. All. Die.
Fly: I mean, whatever, I’m just saying I’m missing an…appointment…for this.
Black: Yo, you were tryin’ to get up with Kate Winslet weren’t you?
Fly: …no.
Corey Black reaches under his sheet/shirt/robe and brings out a slice of watermelon.
Black: You want to get up on some of this watermelon, homie?
Fly: You’re seriously going to eat watermelon at a KKK meeting? Isn’t that like a dead giveaway?
Black: I LIKE THE WAY IT TASTES MOTHERFUCKER. YOU CRACKER ASS BITCH I WILL LIGHT YOU ON…
Everyone in the room is now staring at Corey Black, causing him to stop.
Black: Uh…
Fly quells the situation.
Fly: My extremely white friend next to me has Tourette’s syndrome. It’s not polite to stare.
Black: NAH, SON, I’M NOT WHITE! FUCK THAT SHIT!
More facepalm. Now a congregation of about 30 white supremacists know that there is a black person in their midst. They are not happy. A man on the auditorium’s stage yells out through a microphone.
White Supremacist Man: Unmask yourself!
Everyone in the audience cheers in agreement.
Fly: Seriously guys, he just has Tourette’s. Let’s get to the anti-black people part of this meeting, shall we?
White Supremacist Man: Shut up! You shouldn’t even be here; you’re not even wearing the proper attire. You’re not even a member, are you?
So, yeah, Jonny Fly doesn’t like to be told to shut up. He slowly rises out of his seat with his eyes fixed on the toga-man on stage.
Fly: I may be mistaken. I admit, the words could have gotten muffled since they’re coming from behind a fucking sheet, but did you just tell me to shut up?
White Supremacist Man: YES! You don’t belong here.
Fly: Well, now I have to kill you.
Fly is about to make his way to the aisle before Corey Black reaches out and grabs his hand. Black rises to his feet.
Black: Hold on, homie. If they want me to unmask, I will.
Black takes off his sheet and to the shock of all in attendance…he’s white.
White Supremacist Man: I don’t understand. Why is he taking like he’s black?
Black: WHAT, BITCH!?
White Supremacist Man: Seriously, what is wrong with him? Get him to a doctor or something.
Black: Nah, fool. Everyone knows those motherfuckin’ doctors don’t give a shit about black people. BIAS in healthcare, son. Just like the fuckin’ government. You ever seen some roads in the suburbs? Fuckin’ beautiful. I could eat off them. Where I’m from, my neighborhood, our roads got motherfuckin’ pot holes, dead animals, we ain’t got no yellow lines them shits is as BLACK as my ass.
Fly: Dude, you live in a castle.
White Supremacist Man: Castle? What?
Black: Fuck you Fly, you don’t know me!
Fly: Yes I do.
??: MAYBE I COULD BE OF ASSISTANCE?
Hold on to your top hats people, Abraham Lincoln just stepped on to the stage. He gets in a ninja stance and then destroys White Supremacist Man with a vicious karate chop. Abe (as I like to call him) steps toward the microphone.
Abraham Lincoln: You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
Black: What you be talkin’ about?
Abraham Lincoln: Honestly, I don’t know. That’s just one of my famous quotes and it seemed to work in this situation, you know, since you’re pretending to be black.
Black: Pretending!? WHAT?
Fly: Yo, Abraham Lincoln just called you out.
Black: You’re white, don’t say yo.
Fly: That’s ironic coming from you.
Abraham Lincoln: Alright, enough you two. Please state your purpose for being here.
Black: Aight. I just wanted to say that Adam Young is a bucktoothed southerner who is racist and I demand his head!
Fly: Okay, so now you’re going with ‘Black Viking?’
Black: Shut-up Fly! I demand that these people relinquish Adam Young from their custody and give him to me!
White Supremacist man is back on his feet, and confused.
White Supremacist Man: Who is Adam Young?
Black: Pshh. Yo dawg, you ain’t foolin’ me. Give me Young.
White Supremacist Man: I’m honestly confused. I have no idea who that person is.
Black: He’s one of you people, I demand that you unveil him!
Fly: Unbelievable. You wanted to come here to find Adam Young?
Black: Yeah bro, I have a machete that is missing him.
Fly: Seriously man, Price and I have Young covered this week. This is a big waste of time. It’s Adam Young for christ sake, he’s as good at wrestling as Abraham Lincoln was at not getting shot in the head.
Abraham Lincoln: Wait, what are we talking about again?
Fly: Nothing, he and I are leaving.
Black: No we’re not! Not until we find Adam Young and I stab him with a machete for crimes against my people!
Fly: We’ll see him on Sunday, dude. I’ll stab him with a machete during the match for you. Come on, let’s get out of here.
Fly and Black walk back up the aisle away from the KKK folk. The screen goes blank and immediately fades back in with Jonny Fly lying in his bed. Fly immediately sits up and looks around.
Fly: Phew. Just a dream. I actually thought I was going to have to kill that motherfucker.
Fly phone rings. It’s Corey Black. Fly picks up.
Black: Yo, remember dawg, you promised to kill Adam Young for me on Sunday.
Fly: Oh, god dammit.
Scene Fades
Cameraman Bob: "Oh come on!"
The exasperated tone of Cameraman Bob greets us as the scene slowly fades in on the inside of "Jay Fu-
Wait. We're not inside of "Jay Fucking Price's Fucking Tower". What sorcery is this? Instead, as the scene slowly fades in, we find ourselves looking at rows of helicopters. Jay Price and Cameraman Bob are standing in the middle of an enormous lot, surrounded by various types of helicopters.
Cameraman Bob: "There is no way in hell you can afford all of this stuff on a CFO's salary. Where are you getting all of this extra cash from?"
Jay Price: "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to Bob."
Cameraman Bob: "But I do!"
Jay Price: "No Bob. No you don't."
Price and Bob begin to walk around the lot, followed by an unknown cameraman filling in admirably for Bob.
Cameraman Bob: "Oh this one looks cool!"
Jay Price: "No one asked you Bob. Now this one here I like."
Price begins to look around.
Jay Price: "Now where in the hell is a salesman when you need one?"
Cameraman Bob: "I'll go see if I can track one down."
Bob scampers off as Price runs his hand over the front of the helicopter, a smile on his face.
Jay Price: "That's right, you're coming home with me tonight."
Price's eyes close as he steps forward, arms extended, and hugs the copter.
Robotic Voice: "Good. Choice. That. Is. An. Excellent. Model."
Price is snapped from his dreamy state by a robotic voice that is all too familiar.
Jay Price: "No...no it can't be."
Price lowers his arms, turns around and comes face to- well technically he also has to look down first- face with former WCF Television Champion turned drooling cripple turned helicopter salesman Aaron Miles. The former "Epitome Of Cool" is looking far from his glory days, what with the drool on his collar.
Aaron Miles: "Jay. Price. You. Bastard."
Jay Price: "Good to see you to Miles. How's things?"
Aaron Miles: "Really?"
Jay Price: "Err...so uh you're selling helicopters now?"
Aaron Miles: "No. I. Own. This. Place."
Jay Price: "Well that's good, uh, so..."
Aaron Miles: "You. Want. This. One?"
Jay Price: "Yeah it really caught my eye."
Aaron Miles: "Not. For. Sale. You. Douche. Bag."
Jay Price: "Douchebag? The hell did I ever do to you?"
Aaron Miles: "The. Christ. Mas. Party. Last. Year."
Jay Price: "Are you still pissed about that? Look, I already told you I was simply trying to win a bet. How was I supposed to know that a wheelchair couldn't float in a pool?"
Aaron Miles: "Every. One. Knows. That."
Jay Price: "Well now they do."
Aaron Miles: "I. Almost. Drowned."
Jay Price: "But you didn't!"
Aaron Miles: "Go. Now. I. Will. Call. Police!"
Jay Price: "Oh come on, I want my copter!"
Aaron Miles: "Never!"
Miles' wheelchair turns itself around and he zooms off toward the office. Price, realizing he's in no-win situation, yells for Bob and the starts walking to the parking lot. Along the way he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
Jay Price: "The bastard wants to play games? All right. Time for me to bring in the back-up."
Price opens up the door to his car and settles into the backseat as Bob finally appears.
Cameraman Bob: "What's going on? Aren't you getting a copter today?"
Jay Price: "Oh I'm getting one. But first we need to go pick up someone."
Cameraman Bob: "Who?"
Jay Price: "You'll see."
The scene fades out to black as Bob climbs into the drivers seat and the car pulls away.
[Several Hours Later]
The scene fades back in as a white passenger van pulls into the parking lot of the Helicopter Retail Center owned by Aaron Miles. The back door opens and Price steps out, a confident look on his face. Bob gets out of the car, walks around to the other back door and opens it up.
Cameraman Bob: "So do I have to..."
Jay Price: "Yes Bob, you have to help him."
Cameraman Bob [whispering to himself]: "I don't remember signing up for this."
Bob hits a button inside of the van and a little ramp pops out and extends itself to the ground. Bob then walks up the ramp into the van and then comes back down pushing Jeff Purse's wheelchair.
Jeff Purse: "This isn't the ice cream parlor!"
Jay Price: "Yeeeah..."
Jeff Purse: "Damn it! You told me were getting ice cream!"
Jay Price: "And we are! But first I need your help with something."
Jeff Purse: "And what is that exactly?"
Jay Price: "Uh....you'll see. Come on Bob."
Price turns and walks toward the office as Bob follows, pushing a very unhappy looking Jeff Purse. As Price approaches the office, the door opens and Aaron Miles rolls out the door and down the ramp.
Aaron Miles: "I. Told. You. No. Sale."
Jay Price: "Yeah, I know you did. But I've got someone here who might change your mind."
Price steps to the side as Bob pushes Jeff forward.
Jeff Purse: "What the...Aaron Miles?"
Aaron Miles: "What. Is. This. Shit?"
Jeff Purse: "Yeah what is this?"
Jay Price: "Well I, uh, I figured since you two were both in the same...situation...that maybe you could talk some sense into him Jeff."
Jeff Purse: "Situation? Oh, you mean because we're both in wheelchairs?"
Jay Price: "Uh...yeah this is a little more awkward than I imagined it."
Jeff Purse: "How'd you imagine it? That I'd just come on down here and speak his cripple language to fix whatever mess you got yourself into?"
Jay Price: "Well yeah."
Aaron Miles: "Douche. Bag."
Jay Price: "Look here you..."
Jeff Purse: "He's right. You are a douchebag. You think just because myself and robot boy over there are in whe..."
Aaron Miles: "Who. Are. You. Call. Ing. Robot. Boy. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "...did you just call me a dick?"
Aaron Miles: "Yes. I. Did. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "Call me a dick one more time."
Aaron Miles: "Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick."
Jeff Purse: "Oh it's on."
Aaron Miles: "Bring. It."
Some dramatic music begins to play in the background (because seriously, fuck logic, we're about to witness something amazing) as Aaron Miles begins to slowly turn his wheelchair to the side and move. Bob begins to push Jeff in his wheelchair and soon both men are circling each other like wrestlers in a ring.
Jay Price: "Well this escalated quickly."
The cameraman turns away from the action for a second to look at Price, who somehow now has a bag of popcorn from which he is snacking.
Cameraman: "Where the hell did you get popcorn?"
Jay Price: "Screw the details, get back to the cripple fight!"
The cameraman gets back to the action just as something is finally happening. Miles is going top speed, which really isn't that fast, right at Jeff head on. Bob pushes Jeff forward and the two collide...although it really isn't much seeing as how neither man can feel anything in their legs.
Jeff Purse: "A little help Bob?"
Cameraman Bob: "Gladly."
Bob reaches down, grabs Jeff's arm and pulls it up. Bob swings Jeff's arm and Jeff's hand slaps Miles across the face.
Aaron Miles: "Not. Fair."
Bob does it again, this time with the back of the hand.
Jay Price: "How big of a market do you think there is for footage like this?"
Cameraman: "My guess is pretty big."
A salesman that works for Miles finally appears and, rather than immediately calling the police like a normal person would do, he runs over to Miles and grabs one of his arms. A back and forth slap fight ensues as Purse and Miles hurl insults at one another.
Cameraman: "So this is looking like it's going nowhere."
Jay Price: "Yeah, when neither guy can feel pain it kind of ruins the fight."
Cameraman: "So what's the plan?"
Jay Price: "Well I figure there's only one logical thing I can do at this point."
Price walks over to Bob and taps him on the shoulder. Bob nods his head and steps away as Price takes hold of Jeff's chair and pulls him back.
Jeff Purse: "Hey! I was winning!"
Aaron Miles: "Were. Not."
Jeff Purse: "Let me at that RoboBitch!"
Jay Price: "Save it for the next time champ. Bob, if you'd do the honors."
Bob nods and then snaps off a superkick to the salesman's jaw. Bob then takes hold of Jeff's chair once again as Price walks up to Miles.
Jay Price: "All right, let's cut the shit Miles. I want a helicopter and you're going to sell me one."
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. Off."
Jay Price: "Let's try that again."
Price walks over to the side of Miles chair, grabs hold and begins to tip it over.
Aaron Miles: "Stop. That. Now!"
Jay Price: "Are you going to quit being a dick and sell me a copter?"
Aaron Miles: "Never!"
Price tilts the chair a bit more.
Jay Price: "How about now?"
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. Off."
Jay Price: "Have it your way."
Price tips the chair over completely, sending Miles rolling onto the ground.
Jay Price: "Now?"
Aaron Miles: "Fine! You. Win. Now. Get. Me. Up!"
Jay Price: "I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you."
Aaron Miles: "Get. Me. Up! You. Win!"
Price smiles and looks over at Bob.
Jay Price: "You heard the man Bob, help him up."
Bob walks over, sets Miles' chair back up and then places him in it.
Jay Price: "So glad we could work things out Aaron."
Aaron Miles: "Fuck. You."
Miles turns his chair around and rolls toward the office.
Jay Price: "Bob you make sure that Jeff get's back home safely. I'll see you back at the Tower once I'm done here."
Bob nods and Price turns to head toward the office, leaving Bob and Jeff alone with the unconscious salesman.
Jeff Purse: "So are we still going to get ice cream?"
Cameraman Bob: "I don't have any cash on me. How about you?"
Jeff Purse: "My wallet's back at my house."
Cameraman Bob: "Hmm."
There's a groan from the salesman. Jeff and Bob both look at each other.
Jeff Purse: "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
Bob doesn't say a word as he steps forward and begins rummaging through the salesman's pockets. Bob finally finds a wallet and pulls out a twenty before he hightails it out of there, pushing Jeff toward the van. The scene fades out as Bob pushes Jeff up the van's ramp.
[Even More Hours Later]
Jeff Purse: "I HATE YOU PRICE!"
The scene fades back in on the inside of Jay Price's newly bought helicopter as it's flying around above Philadelphia. Price and Jeff are both sitting in seats in the back as a pair of girls in barely there lingerie dance about in front of Price.
Jay Price: "How can you hate me? Look at where we are! Look at who we're with!"
Jeff Purse: "I have a girlfriend!"
Jay Price: "So? Who's fault is that?"
Jeff Purse: "I want to go home."
Jay Price: "Oh quit being such a party pooper. Enjoy the scenery."
Jeff Purse: "I can't."
Jay Price: "Why?"
Jeff Purse: "Because you put me in a seat away from the window."
Jay Price: "And?"
Jeff Purse: "And? AND? I CAN'T MOVE!"
Jay Price: "Oh yeah, that's right."
Price goes back to enjoying the show in front of him as Jeff shuts his eyes and begins to wonder why he bothers to hang out with Price. Price's phone then begins to ring.
Jay Price: "Oh come on!"
Price pulls the phone from his pocket, sees that it's Fly and answers it.
Jay Price: "Yeah? ... Yeah Jeff's with me. ... Yep, that's a helicopter you hear. I finally got myself one. ... What's that? Our match? Come on man, why are you even tripping about that shit? It's only Adam Young and, uh, whatever inbred hick that he found down in that little camp where he gets all of his tag team partners. ... I know right, just a bunch of cousin screwing rednecks pumping out little future tag team partners for Adam Young. ... Look I'm kind of in the middle of something ... yeah, that's stripper music you hear over the sound of the copter ... Oh yeah, you know I'm going to get some of that ... all right, you want to talk to Jeff? ... Nope, okay. Later Fly."
Price tosses the phone over to Purse, who of course can't catch it. Price doesn't even notice that the phone hits the ground and breaks into pieces, he's too busy watching the girls in front of him. Jeff let's out a sigh and closes his eyes as the scene fades out.
