Post by David Alastair on Jun 16, 2006 17:01:42 GMT -5
The scene fades open to one, David Alastair. As the camera pulls back, it reveals that he is in front of a classroom, complete with whiteboard behind him. He paces from one end of the whiteboard to the other, hand up to his chin, before I stopped at right dead in the supposed “middle” of the board. As he does this, about 20 or so middle school age kids walk into the room and take their seats at their desks. After all rustling has stopped, one student managed to break this uneasy silence.
Student #1: So are you replacing Mrs. Cling today?
David looks up, turns his head over, and nods.
David: Why, I’m afraid so…uhhh…
Alastair looks at the attendance sheet in front of him for a second.
David: Billy? Billy, right?
Student: No, my name is----
David: It doesn’t matter. You are here, not in Mrs. Cling’s algebra class, but in Mr. Alastair’s “Crucifixion Match 101”. I will give you the object of this game as well as some rules for this wonderful endeavor that we will all experience at Explosion.
Random Student: My confirmation class says that they don’t teach religion in schools…
David: Damn straight, kiddo. But you know what, we ain’t talking about religion or “Jesus Loves All The Little Children” crap here. Speaking of Jesus, he sounds a lot like Michael Jackson. But back to our topic here today…
Then, Alastair proceeds to write “Crucifixion Match 101” in big bold letters on the board.
David: The rules here are simple. It’s hardcore rules, anything goes. Except for one thing, and that’s no interference.
Another Random Student: My mom says that ECW is evil...
David steps back in recoil, and then proceeds to laugh.
David: Oh ho ho, you naïve little child, this isn’t no ECW. No, I’m afraid not. However, this is just a tad bit bigger and more controversial than any ole ECW match. Especially how ECW is run by someone named McMahon…
Random Student: Have you ever wrestled Hulk Hogan?
David: Gah! Hulk Hogan is old, stiff, and is in dire need of new artificial hips already. Now, let me get back to the rules…
Random Female Student: I soooo hate wrestling. All it’s about, is like, guys in underwear grabbing each other. Besides, isn’t that stuff, like fake or something?
Inhaling and exhaling, David goes out the classroom door. After a few moments, he brings out a baseball bat laced with barbed wire, silently walks up to the student’s desk and smacks the desk as hard as he could. The force of the blow, as a result, completely destroyed the desktop.
David: You think that was fake!? Please tell me, was that fake!?
The student, stricken and silent, simply shook her head. The New Messiah simply smiled and walked back to the front of the classroom.
David: Alrighty, I’ve made my point. And if anybody decides to speak another word, he or she will get sent six feet below. Is that clear?
Silence. David sets down the barbwire bat, and scribbles “rules” on the whiteboard with a marker nearby.
David: Wonderful. Now, the rules are hardcore sans interference. Now, the object of this match is that the cross will be suspended from the ceiling, almost touching the mat. With this, all you have to do to beat your opponent is wrap the barbed wire around his or her legs and arms. But it doesn’t end there, my pupils. In fact, there will be a “crown” of razor wire that one will neatly place on the opponents’ head. There, match over. The cross rises up, and the world will see…
The camera rushes from the back of the classroom and up close to Alastair.
David: Yes, they will see Creeping Death himself be humbled by the New Messiah. In something Creeps knows best. Sans his little weed-wacker bit. He’s not “Sick” Nick Mondo or even part of Combat Zone Wrestling.
David laughs a bit. And then continues as the cameras still roll…
David: So, at Explosion, Creeping Death. Your fate will be sealed in the palm of my hand. Your fate would be for all to see. And so, I say… “Behold! Your New Messiah has spoken this. At Explosion, for our lovely little Crucifixion Match, Creeping Death, the bell… will toll for you…”
The camera goes black as David begins to laugh again, resurrecting his former madness...
Student #1: So are you replacing Mrs. Cling today?
David looks up, turns his head over, and nods.
David: Why, I’m afraid so…uhhh…
Alastair looks at the attendance sheet in front of him for a second.
David: Billy? Billy, right?
Student: No, my name is----
David: It doesn’t matter. You are here, not in Mrs. Cling’s algebra class, but in Mr. Alastair’s “Crucifixion Match 101”. I will give you the object of this game as well as some rules for this wonderful endeavor that we will all experience at Explosion.
Random Student: My confirmation class says that they don’t teach religion in schools…
David: Damn straight, kiddo. But you know what, we ain’t talking about religion or “Jesus Loves All The Little Children” crap here. Speaking of Jesus, he sounds a lot like Michael Jackson. But back to our topic here today…
Then, Alastair proceeds to write “Crucifixion Match 101” in big bold letters on the board.
David: The rules here are simple. It’s hardcore rules, anything goes. Except for one thing, and that’s no interference.
Another Random Student: My mom says that ECW is evil...
David steps back in recoil, and then proceeds to laugh.
David: Oh ho ho, you naïve little child, this isn’t no ECW. No, I’m afraid not. However, this is just a tad bit bigger and more controversial than any ole ECW match. Especially how ECW is run by someone named McMahon…
Random Student: Have you ever wrestled Hulk Hogan?
David: Gah! Hulk Hogan is old, stiff, and is in dire need of new artificial hips already. Now, let me get back to the rules…
Random Female Student: I soooo hate wrestling. All it’s about, is like, guys in underwear grabbing each other. Besides, isn’t that stuff, like fake or something?
Inhaling and exhaling, David goes out the classroom door. After a few moments, he brings out a baseball bat laced with barbed wire, silently walks up to the student’s desk and smacks the desk as hard as he could. The force of the blow, as a result, completely destroyed the desktop.
David: You think that was fake!? Please tell me, was that fake!?
The student, stricken and silent, simply shook her head. The New Messiah simply smiled and walked back to the front of the classroom.
David: Alrighty, I’ve made my point. And if anybody decides to speak another word, he or she will get sent six feet below. Is that clear?
Silence. David sets down the barbwire bat, and scribbles “rules” on the whiteboard with a marker nearby.
David: Wonderful. Now, the rules are hardcore sans interference. Now, the object of this match is that the cross will be suspended from the ceiling, almost touching the mat. With this, all you have to do to beat your opponent is wrap the barbed wire around his or her legs and arms. But it doesn’t end there, my pupils. In fact, there will be a “crown” of razor wire that one will neatly place on the opponents’ head. There, match over. The cross rises up, and the world will see…
The camera rushes from the back of the classroom and up close to Alastair.
David: Yes, they will see Creeping Death himself be humbled by the New Messiah. In something Creeps knows best. Sans his little weed-wacker bit. He’s not “Sick” Nick Mondo or even part of Combat Zone Wrestling.
David laughs a bit. And then continues as the cameras still roll…
David: So, at Explosion, Creeping Death. Your fate will be sealed in the palm of my hand. Your fate would be for all to see. And so, I say… “Behold! Your New Messiah has spoken this. At Explosion, for our lovely little Crucifixion Match, Creeping Death, the bell… will toll for you…”
The camera goes black as David begins to laugh again, resurrecting his former madness...
