Post by Alex Richards on Feb 17, 2019 22:13:49 GMT -5
Are you ready for the greatest awards show on earth?
Those are the words from Alex Richards that greeted his audience at the Drunken Dragon. It is met with cheers of course because the bar is as always packed with fans and friends of the Guardian. Tonight however the bar has been transformed into whatever Alex's version of the Oscars is. The tables have been removed for rows of chairs. Everyone is well dressed. Okay that's not true. Since most of the crowd are friends of Alex they have strange taste. Shocking I know. Alex has chosen to wear a tuxedo t shirt and a bow tie for some reason. Shaun Zach Richards is dressed to the nines in a suit that wouldn't be out of place at a real awards show. Steven Osbourne is rocking a bright pink leisure suit and seemingly hitting on everything that moves. Rebecca Thatch is wearing what appears to be a really slutty wedding dress. Odin Balfore on the other hand is wearing his normal clothes, chatting with the three ladies he brought with him as dates. Rebecca notices him.
Rebecca Thatch: Odin Balfore.. I'm surprised to see you here. Didn't you say this whole idea was stupid?
Odin nods.
Odin Balfore: It is. But to be fair not as stupid as the idea that Robert Simmons and Jaice Wilds can provide a challenge for Alex and myself. Besides I'm an immortal.. there's a lot of days to fill up when you have an eternity. So I figured why not.
From the stage in the middle of the Dragon Alex begins to speak.
Alex Richards: Tonight we are here to hand out one award and one award only for the WCF tag league. Now we could hand out the award for best team in the tag league. But we don't have to. Everyone with half a brain, or maybe even a quarter of a brain knows it's Odin and I. What would be the suspense in handing one that award? It would be less surprising then the brutal way we are going to dispatch our opponents this week during our warm up match for the finals. As you know I'm all about the unpredictable so instead we are handing out this award.
Alex walks to the back of the stage where there is a tarped object. He removes the tarp revealing a near ten foot tall can of Budweiser Prohibition Brew.
Alex Richards: Don't worry it's just a statue. Ten feet of near beer would be a new low even for me. Obviously this award is going to go to the worst tag team partner in the WCF Tag League. Unlike all of Odin and my opponents who were no competition.. there's a lot of competition for this award. There were a lot of truly terrible tag teams wasting our time. Just like there is going to be one more terrible tag team wasting our time this week. Back in the day Odin and I could have tested our skills against the likes of The New Confederacy, The Homegrown Players, The Team of Treachery, Team Science, Oblivion and Greenfever, The Poondock Saints.. shit even Cap N' Crook. But looking at what we've faced and especially our opponents this week.. I'd rather face the Big Time Jerks or Bishop and Priest. Be more of a challenge at least. But I digress. We aren't here to talk about how shitty everyone is compared to Odin and Alex. That's too obvious. We are here to single out the single shitty wrestler in the Tag League!
Alex grins a cheesy grin.
Alex Richards: We could go with an obvious choice Kennedy Mathews. Her words of wisdom and legendary teamwork inspired herself and Jay Omega to victory against Stephen Singh and Scott Slayer. Just kidding, she didn't say a damn word and wrestled just as hard during the match. She would be a great choice for worst teammate of the tournament. But unfortunately she's no longer around and thus wouldn't be able to pick up this extremely expensive award. I already wasted enough cash on it no way I'm gonna waste more money drop shipping it to her. But we'll get back to her later. Safe to say though I'd never give her anything anyways. Fortunately there are other, somehow even worse contenders. Like our first runner up. Scott Slayer. Last week Scott was scheduled to take a beating at the hands of Odin and myself. The week before he thought his partner Stephen Singh let him down. To be fair.. he is right. I mean Stephen Singh would have been a finalist for this award but did you really expect more out of a man who called himself Thievin' Steven? So normally I wouldn't be too put out that Scotty attacked his own partner. Only one problem. They weren't eliminated from the tournament. If they beat us they would have forced a tiebreaker.
In the crowd you can hear Odin's laughter. Alex throws his head back and laughs as well.
Alex Richards: But technically they could have. But Slayer didn't even try. Scott was a horrible partner but he was too stupid, too blinded by vengeance to realize what he could have done. Besides that.. they won their first match together. That means Scott tried at least once. That gives him a leg up on the winner.
Alex pauses to build suspense. The house band at the Drunken Dragon Temporal Wonkiness plays a drum roll using kazoos because of course they do.
Alex Richards: Your winner is... Jaice Wilds!
The crowd cheers loudly.
Alex Richards: Your whole thing is that you're this multiple time world champion... this legend. You enter the lethal lottery tag league and who do you draw as your partner? Recent world champion, hardcore and tag team champion of the year from last year, Michael X. You guys should have been the guys we were facing in the finals. Yet you're not. In fact you didn't even come close. Last week we had a match to decide the winners of our bracket of the tag league. But you didn't.. did you Jaice? You were already eliminated from the tag league. Two matches, two losses, and you were out. The first week of the tournament you faced John Rabid and Roy Speede. You gave it your best effort but you came up short. I'm not judging you for that. Everybody loses. Shit, I've lost to John Rabid before myself. But the second week, your second match, that one I'm judging you for. Because you quit on your partner Jaice. But even worse you did it in a passive aggressive manner. At least Scott Slayer had the balls to actually attack Stephen Singh. You didn't even bother to put in enough effort to do that! You came on television, cut an incoherent interview that didn't even so much as mention your match against Jayson Price and Vinnie Augustine. Then when you entered the ring your performance was just as much a confusing mess. You quit on your partner without even having the guts to actually turn on your partner! That's what makes you the worst teammate in the tag league. So congratulations Jaice.. at least you won something!
Alex looks at the trophy.. then drinks a toast of Zim-Quila..
Alex Richards: You know all three of those candidates have a connection. Scott Slayer and Kennedy Mathews used to slay royally together in between passively stabbing each other in the back in the name of the hardcore title. Jaice Wilds is the boyfriend of Kennedy. What a fitting group of people no? Odin and I have been fighting tooth and nail for months. Yet neither of us even thought about turning on the other. Because we're tag team specialists. Even if we didn't chose our own partners we were still loyal.. because they were our partner. Robert Simmons better have a plan on how he's going to win on his own because Jaice certainly isn't going to help him! Because I'm gonna be honest, neither Jaice nor Scot nor Kennedy would ever lift a finger if it doesn't directly benefit them. Regardless of who it might piss off.
Alex asks for a beer. Gets a beer tossed to him. Downs the bottle Then breaks it. He approaches the trophy with his broken off beer bottle. He stabs the trophy like a bad drunken brawler would.. the bottle punctures it. Turns out it was just an inflatable.
Alex Richards: Like me. You know what I was looking forward to? I was looking forward to having a match against my oldest friend, Jay Omega. You know the last time I faced Jay Omega? I can recall the date instantly! It was September 22, 2014 on an episode of Slam. The week before War. We competed in a 6 way ladder match over who got the rights to Whoop Ass beer. You're probably wondering which of us won that match, right? Neither! It was Natural Ice Beckman! That means for almost 5 years we never knew for sure which of us is the superior fighter. We thought finally we would get to settle things. Finally, I was gonna get bragging rights. So what happened? Kennedy Mathews happened. She took a shit on our dreams. Not only did she lose the first match for her team, she bolted immediately after forcing The Omega Man to drop out of the tournament! Denying me our match! And not only could I not get my match I couldn't get my payback either since Kennedy dropped off the face of the earth.
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Not so. See Kennedy left her boyfriend behind in the WCF. So if I can't get me some direct revenge I can certainly take it out on him. But just beating Jaice this week.. that's not really enough. I mean I would have done that even if there wasn't payback on the line. Besides just beating up Jaice doesn't make Kennedy suffer nearly everyone. So then it came to me... the perfect revenge.
Alex grins again.. this time a wide shit eating grin.
Alex Richards: I'm gonna dick kick Wilds! I'm gonna destroy Jaice's junk! You see since I'm not going to get the opportunity to ruin Matthew's face I can at least ruin her sex life! Maybe it's not much but it's the little victories that count.
While Alex has been speaking Steven Osbourne has been working the crowd. And striking out with the ladies. He finally decides to play the odds and approach the three women with Odin Balfore.
Steven Osbourne: Hey ladies.. ditch the zero and go home with a zero!
Silence from the ladies. Odin glares at him. Steven decides to try again.
Steven Osbourne: Ladies.. you're blowing it! This man Odin Balfore.. he's nothing but a fraud! Allegedly he got rid of all the ice giants! Lies! I got an ice giant right here... in my pants!
Odin looks dismissively at Steven.
Odin Balfore: You're not even worth the effort of beating up. How exactly is having a giant block of ice supposed to please the slickness? You know nothing about what's thick!
Steven Osbourne: Oh yeah? Well I'm the one with the rock hard ice cold giant cock!
Odin Balfore: Who even are you?
Steven Osbourne: I'm the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer Steven Osbourne!
Odin Balfore: I'm supposed to know you?
Steven Osbourne: I'm the pleaser of all the women including your momma!
Odin Balfore: You're boring the women if anything.
Steven Osbourne: I'm... um.. Alex Richards’s friend.
Odin Balfore: Oh. Say no more.
Odin stands up picks up Steven Osbourne and hurls him towards Alex Richards on the stage. Alex dodges the human projectile. Undaunted Steven gets up and moves on to his next mission.
Steven Osbourne: Jokes on you Odin. I wanted to get on stage anyways. I hear you're kicking Jaice in the baby maker.
Alex Richards: I'm surprised you haven't been booted in the twig and berries yet today.
Steven Osbourne: Oh I have. Twice already. It really sucked. And I got maced.
Alex Richards: You're seriously going to try and talk me out of destroying Jaice's manhood? Or what manhood he has since he's dating Kennedy.
Steven Osbourne: Of course not! It only sucks when I'm getting kicked in the junk.. it's hilarious when it happens to other people! But you know.. I got something even better.
Steven reaches into his own rumpled pink suit jacket pocket and pulls out.. a nutcracker with a blonde lady's face on it. Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: Why do you have that? I would have thought you would have gotten rid of the Nicole Evans Nutcracker considering Ian Malcolm Best made you submit via ball crushing pain to that.
Steven Osbourne: You kidding? She's smoking hot! Besides I knew it would come in handy someday!
Steven hands it to Alex who looks at it seriously.
Alex Richards: With great ball crushing power comes great responsibility.
Steven laughs as he leaves the stage.
Alex Richards: This is gonna be great!
Odin stands up and addresses Alex on stage.
Odin Balfore: I didn't think you could move that quickly. But I have to call bullshit. Jaice is a Guardian, there's no way you're going to do that to one of your Guardians. I wish you would but..
Alex looks over at Odin, nods.
Alex Richards: I'm glad you brought that up. Back in the UCI there was a man named Kevin Bishop who started the "Not My Guardians" movement. I think the man was an idiot but in this case he's right on point. Jaice Wild is not a Guardian. Not in my books at least. I wouldn't feel bad at hurting Jaice in the slightest. Jaice being invited into the Guardians was the second worst decision Bonnie Blue made. At the time I trusted her judgment so I figured maybe I was wrong. Of course then she went and joined John Rabid on the undead side. So now I can tell the truth. Jaice Wilds is not a real Guardian. You know what Jaice brought to the Guardians?
A few scattered voices answer Alex. Most shout out "Nothing" Someone even shouts out "Herpes"
Alex Richards: I think what Jaice did when he rejoined the WCF sums it up nicely. Jaice returned to the WCF and immediately wanted a match at One. There were a lot of choices. Jayson Price was even openly campaigning to get an opponent. Jaice didn't accept that challenge though. No.. he challenged Adam Young. Because that was the closest thing Wilds could think of to a certain win. Adam was on a slump so Jaice immediately challenged him. When I returned to the WCF did I look for easy opponents. No.. I went up to the biggest threat I could find and I punched Odin Balfore in the mouth! Because that's how you make an impact. You go after the baddest dude around! You don't take shortcuts! You don't look for the easy way out! That's disgraceful! That's not the Guardian way.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: But like I said Jaice isn't a real Guardian. He's just using our good name in a lame attempt to boost his career! For as long as I've seen Jaice he has constantly bragged about all the world titles he has won,.. what a legend he is around the world... how famous he is. Then when he wrestles he can't live up to his own hype. And he knows it. That's why he challenged Adam Young. Because even Jaice isn't confident that he still has it. He has been trying to coast on his own legacy and failing. Failing hard. He knows he's washed up.. he knows he can't back up his brags. But he literally has nothing else to offer. That's why he decided to hide his identity under a mask as El Payaso Loco. What did he accomplish without his name? I believe the name rhymes with beero. So he got desperate. He took the mask off. He won title after title after.. nah I'm just kidding he still did zero! So he decided to join the Guardians. I was a world champion, Andre Holmes was a world champion, Bonnie Blue was a world champion. L Verez is the biggest up and coming star in wrestling. What about you Jaice? What did you offer? Nothing! You just leeched off of our efforts! More again you could brag without actually fucking doing anything! Because that's your real MO these days ain't it Jaice? Get the most acclaim you can while doing the least amount of work possible. Well I see you Jaice. I see that your free ride is over. You joined the Guardians without wanting to put the effort in. You simply wanted to join the greatest stable in the universe. The Guardians mean nothing to you Jaice except a way to extend your career. A way to make yourself famous again. Well I'm going to expose you Jaice. You're a fraud. You're not a real Guardian. You're not a real legend. Your 15 minutes of fame in the WCF are over at the hands of Odin and Alex.
Alex smirks.
Alex Richards: Last week I was joking about how Odin and I were the God-ians.
You can see Odin yelling at Alex to "Shut The Fuck Up"
Alex Richards: Still gets to him. But the truth is Odin would make a better Guardian then you ever would Jaice. At least Odin cares about his friends and tries to help them through life. Look at what he did for Kaz Mazy a few months ago. Getting him back on his feet, giving him a chance at Helimination. You can't even do that Jaice. You're nothing but a leech and this Slam you will be salted then crushed under my boot I promise you that. You don't want this match with Odin and myself so we know exactly what we're going to get from you. The same thing we saw in the tournament.. absolutely nothing.
Alex straightens his bow tie.
Alex Richards: Moving on to Robert Simmons. Your partner is living on the currency he earns with his past successes. You don't have that luxury do you Robert. Because you don't really have any past successes. Unfortunately you don't really have any current successes either. I mean I could give you some advice at least. Change your name to Richard. At least then people will remember it. Of course half the people will think Richard Simmons.. I thought he was dead.
Shaun Zach in the front row finally says something.
SZR: Don't underestimate this guy he
Alex cuts off his brother.
Alex Richards: I know. He beat Bonnie Blue. That is impressive. She's headlining Til Death Do Us Part against Noble Savage. She won the WCF world heavyweight title. You know how else has beaten Bonnie Blue? Me. Yep me.. and Samuel McPherson. Now which of us do you think you're more like Robbie? The one who headlined One a few short weeks ago? Or the one who's best known as looking like legendary world champion Dune? Who I beat by the way. See, I beat Bonnie because I'm a legitimate bad ass. Do you know why you and Sammy beat Bonnie? I've known Bonnie for a long time so I'll let you in on a little secret I learned. You beat Bonnie because she didn't take you seriously as a threat.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I don't really take you seriously as a threat either Simmons. Unfortunately for you I have a different way of reacting then Lady Blue. See what I do is beat the people so badly they don't want to face me again. That way I don't have to worry about them wasting my time for a second time.
Alex Richards: Mistake no mistake Robbie.. you are wasting my time. You proved it last week. When you whined about how you were getting the shaft. How after you beat Bonnie you were being forced to face an inferior competitor. I wish that was a joke. Because if it was that would have been really funny.
Alex even lets out a slight laugh.
Alex Richards: Teo Blaze. Undefeated for literally months. The only person to ever win the Infinity Title. Guaranteed a world title shot. Holder of the television title since November 12. Has a title defence against yours truly. If you had beaten Teo and Bonnie you would have been made Robert. But instead you were too stupid to even realize the opportunity you had. But was anyone surprised when you didn’t? Absolutely not! You were fighting someone above your level and you didn’t even have the experience nessaury to know you had to step up your game. Congratulates.. you're the new Scott Slayer Robert. The fact you couldn't get motivated for a match against Teo proves that your win over Bonnie was simply dumb luck. But you aren't getting lucky this week. Not with Jaice as your partner. And to be honest not with anyone else as your partner either. I’ll bet you learned nothing from last week. Which is a shame because this week is going to be an even more savage beating you will also learn nothing from.
Alex Richards: You know what the dumbest thing is. You tried to demand something because you got lucky against Bonnie. Weren’t you the guy who didn’t bother to show up for their debut? If anyone Bonnie got a raw deal having to face you. Then you got the balls to complain about facing Teo. No wonder Corey Black booked you against Odin and I. He probably wants your career to be ended! I’ll try not to but to be honest people like you piss me off. People who think they should be handed things instead of having to earn them. Did anyone hand me the main event of One? Fuck no.. I got there by besting Odin and Noble Savage! Robert Simmons nobody knows who you are and nobody should. After this week everyone is going to know what an absolute trainwreck of mediocrity you are.
Alex holds up a hand.
Alex Richards: Sorry... I think mediocre is overstating your talent level. This match on Slam this week is a forgone conclusion. It was always supposed to be a foregone conclusion. Odin and myself are facing two scrubs. Roy Speede and John Rabid are facing two scrubs themselves. Both of the teams in the finals are supposed to wreck their competition this week. We aren't going to disappoint. But it won't be a total loss for you Simmons. You're going to learn why you shouldn't demand matches against world champions. Because this week a six time world champion and a future world champion are going to dismantle you. You should have kept your mouth shut Robbie because after this you might not have a choice. With your jaw being wired shut and all.
Alex winks.
Alex Richards: I'm only kidding. If I break anyone's jaw it'll be Jaices. At least if it's on purpose. But one thing is for certain... by the time it's over only Gods and confusion will be reigning. No second rate wannabes like the pair of you need apply.
Fade To Black
Those are the words from Alex Richards that greeted his audience at the Drunken Dragon. It is met with cheers of course because the bar is as always packed with fans and friends of the Guardian. Tonight however the bar has been transformed into whatever Alex's version of the Oscars is. The tables have been removed for rows of chairs. Everyone is well dressed. Okay that's not true. Since most of the crowd are friends of Alex they have strange taste. Shocking I know. Alex has chosen to wear a tuxedo t shirt and a bow tie for some reason. Shaun Zach Richards is dressed to the nines in a suit that wouldn't be out of place at a real awards show. Steven Osbourne is rocking a bright pink leisure suit and seemingly hitting on everything that moves. Rebecca Thatch is wearing what appears to be a really slutty wedding dress. Odin Balfore on the other hand is wearing his normal clothes, chatting with the three ladies he brought with him as dates. Rebecca notices him.
Rebecca Thatch: Odin Balfore.. I'm surprised to see you here. Didn't you say this whole idea was stupid?
Odin nods.
Odin Balfore: It is. But to be fair not as stupid as the idea that Robert Simmons and Jaice Wilds can provide a challenge for Alex and myself. Besides I'm an immortal.. there's a lot of days to fill up when you have an eternity. So I figured why not.
From the stage in the middle of the Dragon Alex begins to speak.
Alex Richards: Tonight we are here to hand out one award and one award only for the WCF tag league. Now we could hand out the award for best team in the tag league. But we don't have to. Everyone with half a brain, or maybe even a quarter of a brain knows it's Odin and I. What would be the suspense in handing one that award? It would be less surprising then the brutal way we are going to dispatch our opponents this week during our warm up match for the finals. As you know I'm all about the unpredictable so instead we are handing out this award.
Alex walks to the back of the stage where there is a tarped object. He removes the tarp revealing a near ten foot tall can of Budweiser Prohibition Brew.
Alex Richards: Don't worry it's just a statue. Ten feet of near beer would be a new low even for me. Obviously this award is going to go to the worst tag team partner in the WCF Tag League. Unlike all of Odin and my opponents who were no competition.. there's a lot of competition for this award. There were a lot of truly terrible tag teams wasting our time. Just like there is going to be one more terrible tag team wasting our time this week. Back in the day Odin and I could have tested our skills against the likes of The New Confederacy, The Homegrown Players, The Team of Treachery, Team Science, Oblivion and Greenfever, The Poondock Saints.. shit even Cap N' Crook. But looking at what we've faced and especially our opponents this week.. I'd rather face the Big Time Jerks or Bishop and Priest. Be more of a challenge at least. But I digress. We aren't here to talk about how shitty everyone is compared to Odin and Alex. That's too obvious. We are here to single out the single shitty wrestler in the Tag League!
Alex grins a cheesy grin.
Alex Richards: We could go with an obvious choice Kennedy Mathews. Her words of wisdom and legendary teamwork inspired herself and Jay Omega to victory against Stephen Singh and Scott Slayer. Just kidding, she didn't say a damn word and wrestled just as hard during the match. She would be a great choice for worst teammate of the tournament. But unfortunately she's no longer around and thus wouldn't be able to pick up this extremely expensive award. I already wasted enough cash on it no way I'm gonna waste more money drop shipping it to her. But we'll get back to her later. Safe to say though I'd never give her anything anyways. Fortunately there are other, somehow even worse contenders. Like our first runner up. Scott Slayer. Last week Scott was scheduled to take a beating at the hands of Odin and myself. The week before he thought his partner Stephen Singh let him down. To be fair.. he is right. I mean Stephen Singh would have been a finalist for this award but did you really expect more out of a man who called himself Thievin' Steven? So normally I wouldn't be too put out that Scotty attacked his own partner. Only one problem. They weren't eliminated from the tournament. If they beat us they would have forced a tiebreaker.
In the crowd you can hear Odin's laughter. Alex throws his head back and laughs as well.
Alex Richards: But technically they could have. But Slayer didn't even try. Scott was a horrible partner but he was too stupid, too blinded by vengeance to realize what he could have done. Besides that.. they won their first match together. That means Scott tried at least once. That gives him a leg up on the winner.
Alex pauses to build suspense. The house band at the Drunken Dragon Temporal Wonkiness plays a drum roll using kazoos because of course they do.
Alex Richards: Your winner is... Jaice Wilds!
The crowd cheers loudly.
Alex Richards: Your whole thing is that you're this multiple time world champion... this legend. You enter the lethal lottery tag league and who do you draw as your partner? Recent world champion, hardcore and tag team champion of the year from last year, Michael X. You guys should have been the guys we were facing in the finals. Yet you're not. In fact you didn't even come close. Last week we had a match to decide the winners of our bracket of the tag league. But you didn't.. did you Jaice? You were already eliminated from the tag league. Two matches, two losses, and you were out. The first week of the tournament you faced John Rabid and Roy Speede. You gave it your best effort but you came up short. I'm not judging you for that. Everybody loses. Shit, I've lost to John Rabid before myself. But the second week, your second match, that one I'm judging you for. Because you quit on your partner Jaice. But even worse you did it in a passive aggressive manner. At least Scott Slayer had the balls to actually attack Stephen Singh. You didn't even bother to put in enough effort to do that! You came on television, cut an incoherent interview that didn't even so much as mention your match against Jayson Price and Vinnie Augustine. Then when you entered the ring your performance was just as much a confusing mess. You quit on your partner without even having the guts to actually turn on your partner! That's what makes you the worst teammate in the tag league. So congratulations Jaice.. at least you won something!
Alex looks at the trophy.. then drinks a toast of Zim-Quila..
Alex Richards: You know all three of those candidates have a connection. Scott Slayer and Kennedy Mathews used to slay royally together in between passively stabbing each other in the back in the name of the hardcore title. Jaice Wilds is the boyfriend of Kennedy. What a fitting group of people no? Odin and I have been fighting tooth and nail for months. Yet neither of us even thought about turning on the other. Because we're tag team specialists. Even if we didn't chose our own partners we were still loyal.. because they were our partner. Robert Simmons better have a plan on how he's going to win on his own because Jaice certainly isn't going to help him! Because I'm gonna be honest, neither Jaice nor Scot nor Kennedy would ever lift a finger if it doesn't directly benefit them. Regardless of who it might piss off.
Alex asks for a beer. Gets a beer tossed to him. Downs the bottle Then breaks it. He approaches the trophy with his broken off beer bottle. He stabs the trophy like a bad drunken brawler would.. the bottle punctures it. Turns out it was just an inflatable.
Alex Richards: Like me. You know what I was looking forward to? I was looking forward to having a match against my oldest friend, Jay Omega. You know the last time I faced Jay Omega? I can recall the date instantly! It was September 22, 2014 on an episode of Slam. The week before War. We competed in a 6 way ladder match over who got the rights to Whoop Ass beer. You're probably wondering which of us won that match, right? Neither! It was Natural Ice Beckman! That means for almost 5 years we never knew for sure which of us is the superior fighter. We thought finally we would get to settle things. Finally, I was gonna get bragging rights. So what happened? Kennedy Mathews happened. She took a shit on our dreams. Not only did she lose the first match for her team, she bolted immediately after forcing The Omega Man to drop out of the tournament! Denying me our match! And not only could I not get my match I couldn't get my payback either since Kennedy dropped off the face of the earth.
Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Not so. See Kennedy left her boyfriend behind in the WCF. So if I can't get me some direct revenge I can certainly take it out on him. But just beating Jaice this week.. that's not really enough. I mean I would have done that even if there wasn't payback on the line. Besides just beating up Jaice doesn't make Kennedy suffer nearly everyone. So then it came to me... the perfect revenge.
Alex grins again.. this time a wide shit eating grin.
Alex Richards: I'm gonna dick kick Wilds! I'm gonna destroy Jaice's junk! You see since I'm not going to get the opportunity to ruin Matthew's face I can at least ruin her sex life! Maybe it's not much but it's the little victories that count.
While Alex has been speaking Steven Osbourne has been working the crowd. And striking out with the ladies. He finally decides to play the odds and approach the three women with Odin Balfore.
Steven Osbourne: Hey ladies.. ditch the zero and go home with a zero!
Silence from the ladies. Odin glares at him. Steven decides to try again.
Steven Osbourne: Ladies.. you're blowing it! This man Odin Balfore.. he's nothing but a fraud! Allegedly he got rid of all the ice giants! Lies! I got an ice giant right here... in my pants!
Odin looks dismissively at Steven.
Odin Balfore: You're not even worth the effort of beating up. How exactly is having a giant block of ice supposed to please the slickness? You know nothing about what's thick!
Steven Osbourne: Oh yeah? Well I'm the one with the rock hard ice cold giant cock!
Odin Balfore: Who even are you?
Steven Osbourne: I'm the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer Steven Osbourne!
Odin Balfore: I'm supposed to know you?
Steven Osbourne: I'm the pleaser of all the women including your momma!
Odin Balfore: You're boring the women if anything.
Steven Osbourne: I'm... um.. Alex Richards’s friend.
Odin Balfore: Oh. Say no more.
Odin stands up picks up Steven Osbourne and hurls him towards Alex Richards on the stage. Alex dodges the human projectile. Undaunted Steven gets up and moves on to his next mission.
Steven Osbourne: Jokes on you Odin. I wanted to get on stage anyways. I hear you're kicking Jaice in the baby maker.
Alex Richards: I'm surprised you haven't been booted in the twig and berries yet today.
Steven Osbourne: Oh I have. Twice already. It really sucked. And I got maced.
Alex Richards: You're seriously going to try and talk me out of destroying Jaice's manhood? Or what manhood he has since he's dating Kennedy.
Steven Osbourne: Of course not! It only sucks when I'm getting kicked in the junk.. it's hilarious when it happens to other people! But you know.. I got something even better.
Steven reaches into his own rumpled pink suit jacket pocket and pulls out.. a nutcracker with a blonde lady's face on it. Alex laughs.
Alex Richards: Why do you have that? I would have thought you would have gotten rid of the Nicole Evans Nutcracker considering Ian Malcolm Best made you submit via ball crushing pain to that.
Steven Osbourne: You kidding? She's smoking hot! Besides I knew it would come in handy someday!
Steven hands it to Alex who looks at it seriously.
Alex Richards: With great ball crushing power comes great responsibility.
Steven laughs as he leaves the stage.
Alex Richards: This is gonna be great!
Odin stands up and addresses Alex on stage.
Odin Balfore: I didn't think you could move that quickly. But I have to call bullshit. Jaice is a Guardian, there's no way you're going to do that to one of your Guardians. I wish you would but..
Alex looks over at Odin, nods.
Alex Richards: I'm glad you brought that up. Back in the UCI there was a man named Kevin Bishop who started the "Not My Guardians" movement. I think the man was an idiot but in this case he's right on point. Jaice Wild is not a Guardian. Not in my books at least. I wouldn't feel bad at hurting Jaice in the slightest. Jaice being invited into the Guardians was the second worst decision Bonnie Blue made. At the time I trusted her judgment so I figured maybe I was wrong. Of course then she went and joined John Rabid on the undead side. So now I can tell the truth. Jaice Wilds is not a real Guardian. You know what Jaice brought to the Guardians?
A few scattered voices answer Alex. Most shout out "Nothing" Someone even shouts out "Herpes"
Alex Richards: I think what Jaice did when he rejoined the WCF sums it up nicely. Jaice returned to the WCF and immediately wanted a match at One. There were a lot of choices. Jayson Price was even openly campaigning to get an opponent. Jaice didn't accept that challenge though. No.. he challenged Adam Young. Because that was the closest thing Wilds could think of to a certain win. Adam was on a slump so Jaice immediately challenged him. When I returned to the WCF did I look for easy opponents. No.. I went up to the biggest threat I could find and I punched Odin Balfore in the mouth! Because that's how you make an impact. You go after the baddest dude around! You don't take shortcuts! You don't look for the easy way out! That's disgraceful! That's not the Guardian way.
Alex shakes his head.
Alex Richards: But like I said Jaice isn't a real Guardian. He's just using our good name in a lame attempt to boost his career! For as long as I've seen Jaice he has constantly bragged about all the world titles he has won,.. what a legend he is around the world... how famous he is. Then when he wrestles he can't live up to his own hype. And he knows it. That's why he challenged Adam Young. Because even Jaice isn't confident that he still has it. He has been trying to coast on his own legacy and failing. Failing hard. He knows he's washed up.. he knows he can't back up his brags. But he literally has nothing else to offer. That's why he decided to hide his identity under a mask as El Payaso Loco. What did he accomplish without his name? I believe the name rhymes with beero. So he got desperate. He took the mask off. He won title after title after.. nah I'm just kidding he still did zero! So he decided to join the Guardians. I was a world champion, Andre Holmes was a world champion, Bonnie Blue was a world champion. L Verez is the biggest up and coming star in wrestling. What about you Jaice? What did you offer? Nothing! You just leeched off of our efforts! More again you could brag without actually fucking doing anything! Because that's your real MO these days ain't it Jaice? Get the most acclaim you can while doing the least amount of work possible. Well I see you Jaice. I see that your free ride is over. You joined the Guardians without wanting to put the effort in. You simply wanted to join the greatest stable in the universe. The Guardians mean nothing to you Jaice except a way to extend your career. A way to make yourself famous again. Well I'm going to expose you Jaice. You're a fraud. You're not a real Guardian. You're not a real legend. Your 15 minutes of fame in the WCF are over at the hands of Odin and Alex.
Alex smirks.
Alex Richards: Last week I was joking about how Odin and I were the God-ians.
You can see Odin yelling at Alex to "Shut The Fuck Up"
Alex Richards: Still gets to him. But the truth is Odin would make a better Guardian then you ever would Jaice. At least Odin cares about his friends and tries to help them through life. Look at what he did for Kaz Mazy a few months ago. Getting him back on his feet, giving him a chance at Helimination. You can't even do that Jaice. You're nothing but a leech and this Slam you will be salted then crushed under my boot I promise you that. You don't want this match with Odin and myself so we know exactly what we're going to get from you. The same thing we saw in the tournament.. absolutely nothing.
Alex straightens his bow tie.
Alex Richards: Moving on to Robert Simmons. Your partner is living on the currency he earns with his past successes. You don't have that luxury do you Robert. Because you don't really have any past successes. Unfortunately you don't really have any current successes either. I mean I could give you some advice at least. Change your name to Richard. At least then people will remember it. Of course half the people will think Richard Simmons.. I thought he was dead.
Shaun Zach in the front row finally says something.
SZR: Don't underestimate this guy he
Alex cuts off his brother.
Alex Richards: I know. He beat Bonnie Blue. That is impressive. She's headlining Til Death Do Us Part against Noble Savage. She won the WCF world heavyweight title. You know how else has beaten Bonnie Blue? Me. Yep me.. and Samuel McPherson. Now which of us do you think you're more like Robbie? The one who headlined One a few short weeks ago? Or the one who's best known as looking like legendary world champion Dune? Who I beat by the way. See, I beat Bonnie because I'm a legitimate bad ass. Do you know why you and Sammy beat Bonnie? I've known Bonnie for a long time so I'll let you in on a little secret I learned. You beat Bonnie because she didn't take you seriously as a threat.
Alex shrugs.
Alex Richards: I don't really take you seriously as a threat either Simmons. Unfortunately for you I have a different way of reacting then Lady Blue. See what I do is beat the people so badly they don't want to face me again. That way I don't have to worry about them wasting my time for a second time.
Alex Richards: Mistake no mistake Robbie.. you are wasting my time. You proved it last week. When you whined about how you were getting the shaft. How after you beat Bonnie you were being forced to face an inferior competitor. I wish that was a joke. Because if it was that would have been really funny.
Alex even lets out a slight laugh.
Alex Richards: Teo Blaze. Undefeated for literally months. The only person to ever win the Infinity Title. Guaranteed a world title shot. Holder of the television title since November 12. Has a title defence against yours truly. If you had beaten Teo and Bonnie you would have been made Robert. But instead you were too stupid to even realize the opportunity you had. But was anyone surprised when you didn’t? Absolutely not! You were fighting someone above your level and you didn’t even have the experience nessaury to know you had to step up your game. Congratulates.. you're the new Scott Slayer Robert. The fact you couldn't get motivated for a match against Teo proves that your win over Bonnie was simply dumb luck. But you aren't getting lucky this week. Not with Jaice as your partner. And to be honest not with anyone else as your partner either. I’ll bet you learned nothing from last week. Which is a shame because this week is going to be an even more savage beating you will also learn nothing from.
Alex Richards: You know what the dumbest thing is. You tried to demand something because you got lucky against Bonnie. Weren’t you the guy who didn’t bother to show up for their debut? If anyone Bonnie got a raw deal having to face you. Then you got the balls to complain about facing Teo. No wonder Corey Black booked you against Odin and I. He probably wants your career to be ended! I’ll try not to but to be honest people like you piss me off. People who think they should be handed things instead of having to earn them. Did anyone hand me the main event of One? Fuck no.. I got there by besting Odin and Noble Savage! Robert Simmons nobody knows who you are and nobody should. After this week everyone is going to know what an absolute trainwreck of mediocrity you are.
Alex holds up a hand.
Alex Richards: Sorry... I think mediocre is overstating your talent level. This match on Slam this week is a forgone conclusion. It was always supposed to be a foregone conclusion. Odin and myself are facing two scrubs. Roy Speede and John Rabid are facing two scrubs themselves. Both of the teams in the finals are supposed to wreck their competition this week. We aren't going to disappoint. But it won't be a total loss for you Simmons. You're going to learn why you shouldn't demand matches against world champions. Because this week a six time world champion and a future world champion are going to dismantle you. You should have kept your mouth shut Robbie because after this you might not have a choice. With your jaw being wired shut and all.
Alex winks.
Alex Richards: I'm only kidding. If I break anyone's jaw it'll be Jaices. At least if it's on purpose. But one thing is for certain... by the time it's over only Gods and confusion will be reigning. No second rate wannabes like the pair of you need apply.
Fade To Black
