Post by Alex Richards on Dec 16, 2018 18:05:27 GMT -5
Wheeling, West Virginia
A black van with the logo "Trailer Park Cops" slapped on the side speeds through the back roads as two people dressed in uniform inside the van answer the call.
Richards: I'm Sheriff Alex Richards and this is my partner Constable Carla Cream and this is Trailer Park Cops!
Alex's partner looks at him in annoyance.
Cream: Have you ever even seen a episode of cops.. because that intro sounded more like an episode of jackass.
Alex scoffs.
Richards: I don't need to. I've been arrested more then enough times to know how this cop stuff goes. We're on our way to Shady Trails Trailer Park because we received a tip a bad bad man is hiding out there. At least he thinks he's a bad bad man. Everyone else thinks he's bad for a different reason. But this guy is dangerous. To your IQ. There is no one more fearsome then this man. Said no one ever besides himself.
Cream: Would you just tell us the perps name?
Richards: James Wolf of course.
Cream: Never heard of him.
Richards: He wouldn't believe that. He'd tell you about the millions of titles he's won. The question is Constable.. are you ready to go after the man who strikes fear into the hearts of every man? By fear of course I mean disgust and distain.
Cream: Fine whatever.
Richards: That's the spirit!
The van pulls out the trailer park, which is of course looks like a typical low rent trailer park. The kind of place that a tornado could only improve. The "officers" hop out of the van.
Cream: Should we interview witness, get statements, follow up on tips?
Richards: Nah Carla.. let's just wing it.
Cream: You seriously expect that's going to work?
Richards: Sure why not? Stranger things have happened. You need to know something about Alex Richards. I always know exactly what I'm doing.. even when I don't.
Cream: That makes no sense.
But Alex has wandered off before Carla had time to finish her statement. He walks past some children playing that classic kid game hit each other with rocks. He spots three men in overalls. The older one chewing out his associates.
Older Redneck: Ya'll just couldn't keep ya mouths shut could ya? Now the cops are here again and you know they gonna bust up our still again!
Richards: Did somebody say still?
Cream: Now we're talking.
Richards: Damnit right we are.
Younger Redneck: It was a good still too.
Cream: You are under arrest!
Richards: Hold on! You really think I would arrest someone for making booze? That's like if James Wolf arrested someone for pretending to be a good wrestler. It would be hypocritical of me! I don't want to arrest you.
Older Redneck: Ya don't?
Richards: I want to drink with you! Get a jug!
Cream: You can't drink moonshine with rednecks!
Richards: Why you got something against rednecks?
Third Redneck: Ya! Ya'll like haters or something?
Cream: No! We're on duty!
Richards: And it's my duty to make sure this is good moonshine.
The older redneck hands Alex a jug. Alex takes a big drink.
Richards: That's pretty good.
Alex continues drinking from the jug.
Older Redneck: Ya might wanna slow down. Too much of that can make ya go blind.
Richards: I said it was good. But it ain't that good. I'm Alex Richards.. one little jug of moonshine ain't gonna hurt me. Shit, I bet I can still legally drive home.
Cream: You are not driving!
Richards: Thanks for the drink.
Alex hands the now empty jug back to the disbelieving moonshiners and walks off continuing his search. He happens upon a particularly dirty, sleazy, trashy looking trailer. Even for this trailer park. A single word booms from the trailer. BOUDLE! Constable Carla draws her service revolver and approaches but Alex grabs her arm.
Richards: Trust me. You do not want to go in there.
Carla noticing the sudden seriousness in Alex, puts her weapon away.
Cream: Why not?
Richards: It's better you don't know trust me.
A Large lady walks by carrying an absolutely massive dead squirrel by the tail.
Cream: You got a permit for hunting that?
Lady: Shoot honey ya'll don't need a permanent to hunt for good up here. It's a god given right.
Cream: You eat squirrel?
Richards: It's not bad. Kind of strange which I like. It's better if you smoke it though.
Lady: Crazy Northerners everybody knows squirrel ain't large enough to smoke.
Richards: Well if you don't smoke it how's it's going to keep.
Lady: We ain't savages. We gotta walk in freezer.
Alex perks up.
Richards: Take me to it.
Carla sighs.
Cream: You're just going to eat a lot of meat aren't you?
Lady: You ain't gonna eat my Christmas squirrel are ya?
Richards: Of course not. I'm on duty.
Cream: Now you're responsible?
The lady points at a massive metal shed like building. Alex walks in, like it's Christmas walking past the hanging deer carcass. Carla reluctantly follows him in.
Cream: Okay.. what could possibly interest you in here?
Richards: Shut the door rookie and I'll enlighten you.
Carla sighs again and closes the door. She looks back at Alex who has gone into his ever present doctor's bag and pulled out.. a massive joint.
Cream: You are the worst cop ever!
Richards: You want a hit?
Cream: This is your idea of cleaning up the trailer park?
Richards: I'm dropping knowledge here. Hotboxing is overrated. Coldboxing is where it's at. You smoke more in order to stay warm!
Cream: The physics of that doesn't add up. Never mind. I can't talk logic with a man smoking pot in a meat locker.
Richards: I know.. you're out of your league.
Cream: I give up! James Wolf probably isn't in this trailer park and even if he is you would never find him!
Alex takes another big haul off his joint before laughing.
Richards: I already know where he is rook.
Cream: You can't be serious.
Alex shrugs, finishes his joint and starts walking off in the general direction.
Richards: Yeah I saw where he was when we entered the park.
Alex points towards a trailer with three rebel flags on the front.
Cream: Rebel flags?
Richards: No.. the bumper sticker.
Carla looks at the rusted red coloured pick up truck and spots a "My Other Ride Is My Sister" bumper sticker.
Cream: Can I do the honours?
Richards: Sure why not?
Cream: Trailer Park Cops! Freeze!
With that Carla kicks down the screen door of the trailer revealing James Wolf inside in bed with a really trashy looking blonde. James Wolf is of course not really James Wolf but someone who looks like a porn parody of James Wolf.
Not James Wolf: You just a hater because your sister ain't this hot.
Richards: That's a better explanation then I expected from James Wolf. You got to try harder man.
Not Wolf: Fine.. ummm.. You're just Bonnie Blue's lackey. You're not a leader.
Richards: There.. that's that same thing you said ten million times. Now that could have been the reason I came to this trailer park and did this James Wolf parody. I could claim that I'm still making incest jokes because I think they are funny and it's a hell of a lot more entertaining then your "You're nothing without Bonnie" routine.
Alex pauses.
Richards: But it's not. There's a real reason I did this. Besides the fact it would piss off James Wolf. That's just an added bonus. No, I did trailer park cops so that I could do this. James Wolf's sister.
Sister: Yes?
Richards: What's your name?
Sister: Lucy.
Richards: No.. your character name.
The girl looks bored, rolls her eyes and says.
Sister: I dunno. James Wolf’s sister.
Richards: You know why she doesn't know the name? Because I never once used it. Because it was never about James Wolf's sister. It was always about you James Wolf. You claim to be the biggest asshole in the world but when it came down to it you couldn't take a simple incest joke. What with all the trash you talked you couldn't deal with a little thrown your way? That's why Bonnie and myself keep up with the incest jokes. Because that's all they were.. jokes. But you flipped out time and time again. With the way you normally carried yourself I figured you had it coming. You did have it coming. Because James you are nothing more then a bully. A child bully. You pick on people then throw tantrums when things don't go your way. Yeah.. I did that.. But I did to it you. Because you had it coming. You're the kind of man who prides themselves on pushing the envelope. But then whines when the same is done to them. You say the same repetitive, potentially hurtful shit over and over but then cry when people give you a taste of your own medicine. So I made incest jokes because you're a hypocrite and I don't respect a hypocrite.
Alex looks slightly disturbed.
Richards: That said. I never had an issue with your late sister Julia. I do feel sorrow about her death. But as far as feeling guilt. I do not. No, her death wasn't my fault James. But if you want to look for someone to blame I'll bet your house has a mirror.
Richards: Say Bonnie actually used to have an addiction to meth. If your comments caused her to relapse and she died in a meth lab explosion would you be to blame? Or say I used to be a member of a bizarre death cult religion. Why then wouldn't you be to blame if I want back after you said I was never a leader. Why if I took the killer Kool-Aid you'd practically be a murderer, right? No, wrong. Because how would you ever know these things? Childhood records are sealed. So how would I know that Julia was abused? You knew though James. And you said nothing about it.
Fire flashes in Alex's eyes.
Richards: It's well known by the WCF universe that I've been abused in the past. Do you think for one moment I would have continued talking about incest knowing that it would hurt an innocent victim? Hell no! I might have tried to get into contact with Julia. I would have tried to help her! But you didn't care did you James? No, the minute she died you blamed the Guardians for her death!
Alex raises his voice.
Richards: THAT'S THE REAL YOU JAMES WOLF! You could have stopped this. But you didn't. Because you didn't care. You didn't care about your sister. You knew engaging with the Guardians was good for your career! You didn't care about the consequences they might and ultimately did have for your sister! I never met Julia but you did. You adopted her. You knew her her whole life. That means you would have seen the signs. That means you would have known something was wrong. You could have gotten her help. But you didn't. You turned your back on her. You even claimed to be estranged from her after her death. Gee.. what do you think is more likely to have contributed to her death. A couple of strangers making incest jokes, or her only brother, the man who adopted her as a child turning his back on her. You think for one second I would let someone get away with hurting my brother Shaun or my girlfriend Rebecca? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm all about family. Apparently you're all about family but only when it's convenient to you. You could have stopped it and possibly saved your sisters life but you were too self absorbed to even really care? That's not the actions of a real man James.
Richards: You dare blame me as a cheap attempt to further your career. Fuck you! You are the lowest of the low James Wolf. You are beyond scum you know that? You could have helped her. But you were too fucking selfish and self absorbed to so much as check on her well being! I hope your wife and child see this.. because they need to know the real James Wolf. You are a cold, uncaring sociopath pretending to be human. You were actually proud of your lame attempt to kick Estella Luiz out of the country. That's the kind of man you are James. You're just a cartoon version of a villain. Adam Young did it better. At least he's honest about what he is. You're a pale shadow of a man pretending there's some depth of character to him. There's not. You're nothing James Wolf. You never have been. You know one more reason I did the Trailer Park Cops parody this week. I did it to prove I have more balls and more imagination for something that to me is just a throw away match then you ever will. This is your ONE main event. To you this is the biggest match of the year. Yet I’m going to destroy you just like it’s just another match. Because it is. You’re just another loudmouth who talks far more then they could ever hope to back up.
Richards: You think those titles you won in dead federations should legimately impress people. All they prove is that you never got any better. You are 39 years old and yet here in the WCF you are getting routinely beaten like a raw rookie. Yeah you won all those titles. That might impress the fans. But it doesn't really impress wrestlers. You know why? Because we all know there are a million wrestling promotions out there. Most of whom don't last two months. Hell lots of them don't last two shows. Any number of us can trot out the titles we won from Psycho Sam Crazy or Ben Da Slugga. I could break out my XWCWF Commonwealth Championship. Or my AKWF Extreme Belt! AKWF does indeed stand for ass kickin wrestling federation by the way. I won my share of indy titles but I was smart enough to know something you apparently have never grasped. The fact you won minor titles does not mean the wrestling world owns you anything. It does not mean that you will come to the WCF and be gifted with belt after belt after belt. The WCF will never give you anything regardless of what an entitled, selfish little shit you are. You got opportunies, you and you alone are responsible for what you do with them.
Alex pauses for impact.
Richards: I...AM...BETTER...THEN...YOU! Unlike you who make random statements like that and expect people to take them at face value I'm actually going to prove my statement true. I spent today drinking moonshine and inventing cold boxing and I’m still considered a far bigger bad ass then you will ever be James! Most likely because in the WCF I have held a total of 6 titles to your highly impressive nada. See, that's the difference between people like you and people like me. I actually brag up my words with actions. You just have words.. then more words... then hope nobody realizes you're full of shit. You had a chance at the television title. After Kurt Narravo beat your ass you immediately said you didn't care about the television title you only care about the world title. Every single time you lose a match, and you lose a lot of matches, you claim it's just a fluke. Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth? Do you even realize how stupid you sound every time you make one of those lame excuses?
Fake Wolf: He obviously doesn't. He believes it himself. I'm a method actor by the way.
Richards: The sad thing is. You totally nailed it. Wolf really does believe his own bullshit. And it's pure bullshit. But because of that bullshit I don't have anything to fear from James Wolf. He truly believes he's already the best in spite of all the losses, all the evidence to the contrary. Because of this James will never get any better. He will never be better then he is today. And he's just not good enough. Everybody else in professional wrestling strives to improve. Not James Wolf. He looks at himself, failing hard once again, and he goes good enough. You can't argue with that kind of logic now can you?
Fake Wolf: But he's James Wolf and you're not!
Richards: Thank The Flying Spaghetti Monster for that! If I was anything like James Wolf I would still be losing to WCF stalwarts like Mary Mac. I can laugh about that now because of how much I've improved over the years. But you.. James Wolf.. if Mary showed up today I got five bucks that says she can kick your ass. Because someone who hasn't been seen for three years is still better then you! Seeing as you haven't upped your game in at least a decade! Even your so called evolutions are laughable. You went from carrying weapons to the ring... to being anti hardcore.. to weapons are okay if they help me win. At least you are consistent. You're a hypocrite many times over. How about you try and fix what's actually wrong with you instead of changing the curtains? Your ego refuses to allow you to see yourself as anything other then wrestling's ultimate badass. Anything that goes against that.. you ignore. Which is why once I finish kicking your ass at Slam this week you're going to ignore everything I had to say about it. Pretend it didn't happen. You can't accept losing but because of that you are nothing more then a simple loser.
Sister: Whoa.. that's deep.
Cream: No, it's not.
Richards: You're right Carla.. it's just the truth. Even before James Wolf decided to brand me a murderer for a death I had nothing to do with I already despised the man. He wanted to take something from me. He wanted to take MY main event spot. The main event spot I fucked earned! He wants to be in the main event without working for it. I'm fixing to show him the difference between a real main eventer and.. well James Wolf. I worked damn hard to earn my spot in the main event of One. And you had every opportunity to do the same James Wolf. But you didn't. You failed. You talk about grabbing the main event but yet you never have. Because you are all talk and no action. All excuses and no results! Anyone remember how James Wolf did in WAR?
Fake Wolf: I finished 4th in WAR!
Richards: Yeah.. James finished 4th in WAR. One spot better then I did. He bested me in WAR. Only by a few seconds but that doesn't matter. The fact he finished fourth in WAR was more impressive then my 5th place finish. Now the winner of WAR gets a guaranteed spot in the main event of One. That means that by finishing 4th if either of us were going to go on to main event One it should have been James Wolf. But it didn't turn out that way now did it? Since WAR I lost one match, to one man, Teo Del Sol. I own that. After I lost to Teddy I went on to beat the world champion Odin Balfore and Noble Savage, someone who hadn't lost since their debut. That's my response to losses. What's your response to losses?
Alex looks at the group. But gets no response.
Richards: More losses! You had a chance to win the television title. You failed. You followed that up by losing to Teo Blaze. You faced Night Rider who won one match after losing the television title. That one match was against you. Your stock continued to fall and fall. You joined Odin Balfore's team at Helimination. You were the first man eliminated! That's why I say results matter. That's why everyone else thinks it's a joke when they brag about what a legend of wrestling you are. You didn't last five minutes in Helimination! But even after all that failure Corey Black still gave you an opportunity. He still gave you one more chance to shine. On the Stan Lee tribute show he booked you against himself. You had the chance to defeat a hall of a famer. A four time world champion. It was a huge match for you. Only it wasn't. It ended in yet another defeat. But and this is important. This was not prime Corey Black. This is semi retired Corey Black. This is the Corey Black who spent most of the year feuding with and ultimately losing most of the matches to my friend but relative newcomer to the sport L Verez. During those matches L showed she had what it takes to be a big star in wrestling. I was proud of L watching those matches. Nobody was proud of your performance against Corey Black. You proved what everyone already knows. It takes more then just saying you're a star to actually be one.
Richards: As much as you say they don't results matter James Wolf. Results are the things you need to have in order to back up your threats. Otherwise people listen to them and they really pay them much attention. Because they are just idle boasts. That's why whatever lame threats you make against me this week. I don't need to worry about. Because I know that every time you face someone in the WCF who's a big star you lose horribly. You get trounced even. To be fair most of the time when facing anyone else... you also get trounced. I succeeded where you failed. That's why I earned the right to main event One. While you, even though you outlasted me in WAR, earned nothing for yourself.
Fake Wolf: All flukes!
Alex nods his respect to the obvious fake.
Richards: Your Wolf impression is solid. Seriously though how exactly do you plan on beating me? That’s a serious question. How are you going to beat me? Because as far as I can tell the only thing you even really think you have on me is the fact that I’m not a leader? What does that have to do with anything? Yeah I liked Bonnie. I liked her enough to support her. I got burned because of it. How does that help you? You trusted no one and never put yourself out there even to help your own family. That means you’re not a leader either jackass! The fact that I chose not to be a leader doesn’t mean I can’t. Normally this whole Trailer Park Cops thing would have been something I did with Bonnie Blue. But instead I went out and hired Constable Carla Cream. Who kind of has a stick up her butt.
Cream: Hey! I mean.. it’s kind of fair but still as an aspiring actress I have a lot riding on this.
Richards: My whole life people have been telling me things I couldn’t do. Every time I proved them wrong. This is going to be no different. You don’t know what kind of a leader I am capable of being. But I know you’ve never even tried to lead or follow. Being alone doesn’t make you a bad ass lone wolf James, it just means nobody wants you on their side.
Richards: But look at the bright side James. I'm not going to end your dreams of being in the main event. Technically. Because nothing is going to change your mind about being a main eventer because you're so fucking delusional! It isn't going to change anyone else's mind of you either. Everyone else already knows you aren't good enough. This is simply going to be one more piece of proof. But by all means go on to challenge John Rabid after I finish kicking your ass. I mean you will anyways. I despise John Rabid but I don't even have to watch the match to know the result. Like no one has to watch this match in order to know the result. Why do you think a match involving the man who's a headliner of One is in the middle of the card?
Cream: They place matches randomly?
Richards: Good guess but no. The actual reason is to the world this match is a forgone conclusion. Everyone except for James knows the result of this match before it even begins. Next week James will be talking about yet another fluke loss, and every other wrestler in the company will be laughing at him behind his back. See James.. you aren't even the giant bad ass you pretend to be. Because in wrestling it's all about results.. and you don't have any. You won't have any this week either. I learn from every loss I've suffered, you ignore every loss you suffer. That's why I have one of the best records in the WCF this year. That's why I'm in the main event of One. And that's why you're just a punch line James Wolf. You're the washed up washed indy star that trainers in wrestling schools warn their students not to be like. You have an ego like a star but you don't have the talent of one. You don't have the drive of one. Because of that you are simply a punching bag for people who are actually stars. People like me. You probably believe this is going to be a real challenge for me this week. But I don't see it that way. Because you see when you've been in the ring with legends of wrestling like Steve Orbit, Jonny Fly, Corey Black, Bobby Cairo, Odin Balfore.. then a match with James Wolf.. it don't seem like that big of a deal. And if I could challenge all of those men and in some cases defeat them. You have big wins over the likes of Adam Young, John McCarthy and the Ultimate Destroyer. But when the level of talent of your opponent rises, you do not. You want to be in the main event.. everyone knows your place is the opening match. Everyone except you. What the fuck chance do you have against me James Wolf? Let me give you a hint because I know you aren't the brightest. It rhymes with beero.
Alex shakes his head
Richards: But you're going to ignore all of these facts. You're going to go into Slam confident of a victory in spite of the fact that literally every piece of evidence is against you. Then the predictable result is going to happen. Yet another beating, yet another loss for James Wolf. Because he just doesn't fucking get it! He doesn't get that nobody ever gives you anything you have to earn it! I have earned it and there is no way some mediocre at best blowhard is going to take what I worked so hard for! You are basically the wrestling version of Donald Trump. He's basically a blowhard who got drunk in a bar and said I can be president. Except you know.. he actually did it. So yeah.. you're actually worse then the wrestling version of Donald Trump because you accomplished nothing in the WCF and your attitude ensures you never will! You know I wish I could feel sorry for James. But I can't. This is exactly what he deserves. Because he's just as much of a shit person as he is a shit wrestler. You're the man who turned their back on their traumazed sister then had the fucking balls to blame me for her death! Julia.. I never knew you but I can safely say you deserved better then James Wolf. I'm going to enjoy every second of this beating I lay on you Wolf. You're a poser as a wrestler and an even bigger poser as a man. When this match is over you'll ignore the result but everyone else will clearly know the truth.. that confusion always reigns!
Meanwhile back in the disgusting trailer from earlier a man inside pushes the button on his very loud, very expensive sound system that seems very out of place.
BOUDLE!
Screams the speakers once again. The man inside. A handsome, scowling young man named Evan Lynn watches through the curtains.. looking at Alex Richards and his cohorts as they leave in the black van.
Evan Lynn: It wasn't time last week Alex. It's still not time yet. But it will be time soon. My family will have their revenge on you Richards. We will be avenged!
Fade To Black
A black van with the logo "Trailer Park Cops" slapped on the side speeds through the back roads as two people dressed in uniform inside the van answer the call.
Richards: I'm Sheriff Alex Richards and this is my partner Constable Carla Cream and this is Trailer Park Cops!
Alex's partner looks at him in annoyance.
Cream: Have you ever even seen a episode of cops.. because that intro sounded more like an episode of jackass.
Alex scoffs.
Richards: I don't need to. I've been arrested more then enough times to know how this cop stuff goes. We're on our way to Shady Trails Trailer Park because we received a tip a bad bad man is hiding out there. At least he thinks he's a bad bad man. Everyone else thinks he's bad for a different reason. But this guy is dangerous. To your IQ. There is no one more fearsome then this man. Said no one ever besides himself.
Cream: Would you just tell us the perps name?
Richards: James Wolf of course.
Cream: Never heard of him.
Richards: He wouldn't believe that. He'd tell you about the millions of titles he's won. The question is Constable.. are you ready to go after the man who strikes fear into the hearts of every man? By fear of course I mean disgust and distain.
Cream: Fine whatever.
Richards: That's the spirit!
The van pulls out the trailer park, which is of course looks like a typical low rent trailer park. The kind of place that a tornado could only improve. The "officers" hop out of the van.
Cream: Should we interview witness, get statements, follow up on tips?
Richards: Nah Carla.. let's just wing it.
Cream: You seriously expect that's going to work?
Richards: Sure why not? Stranger things have happened. You need to know something about Alex Richards. I always know exactly what I'm doing.. even when I don't.
Cream: That makes no sense.
But Alex has wandered off before Carla had time to finish her statement. He walks past some children playing that classic kid game hit each other with rocks. He spots three men in overalls. The older one chewing out his associates.
Older Redneck: Ya'll just couldn't keep ya mouths shut could ya? Now the cops are here again and you know they gonna bust up our still again!
Richards: Did somebody say still?
Cream: Now we're talking.
Richards: Damnit right we are.
Younger Redneck: It was a good still too.
Cream: You are under arrest!
Richards: Hold on! You really think I would arrest someone for making booze? That's like if James Wolf arrested someone for pretending to be a good wrestler. It would be hypocritical of me! I don't want to arrest you.
Older Redneck: Ya don't?
Richards: I want to drink with you! Get a jug!
Cream: You can't drink moonshine with rednecks!
Richards: Why you got something against rednecks?
Third Redneck: Ya! Ya'll like haters or something?
Cream: No! We're on duty!
Richards: And it's my duty to make sure this is good moonshine.
The older redneck hands Alex a jug. Alex takes a big drink.
Richards: That's pretty good.
Alex continues drinking from the jug.
Older Redneck: Ya might wanna slow down. Too much of that can make ya go blind.
Richards: I said it was good. But it ain't that good. I'm Alex Richards.. one little jug of moonshine ain't gonna hurt me. Shit, I bet I can still legally drive home.
Cream: You are not driving!
Richards: Thanks for the drink.
Alex hands the now empty jug back to the disbelieving moonshiners and walks off continuing his search. He happens upon a particularly dirty, sleazy, trashy looking trailer. Even for this trailer park. A single word booms from the trailer. BOUDLE! Constable Carla draws her service revolver and approaches but Alex grabs her arm.
Richards: Trust me. You do not want to go in there.
Carla noticing the sudden seriousness in Alex, puts her weapon away.
Cream: Why not?
Richards: It's better you don't know trust me.
A Large lady walks by carrying an absolutely massive dead squirrel by the tail.
Cream: You got a permit for hunting that?
Lady: Shoot honey ya'll don't need a permanent to hunt for good up here. It's a god given right.
Cream: You eat squirrel?
Richards: It's not bad. Kind of strange which I like. It's better if you smoke it though.
Lady: Crazy Northerners everybody knows squirrel ain't large enough to smoke.
Richards: Well if you don't smoke it how's it's going to keep.
Lady: We ain't savages. We gotta walk in freezer.
Alex perks up.
Richards: Take me to it.
Carla sighs.
Cream: You're just going to eat a lot of meat aren't you?
Lady: You ain't gonna eat my Christmas squirrel are ya?
Richards: Of course not. I'm on duty.
Cream: Now you're responsible?
The lady points at a massive metal shed like building. Alex walks in, like it's Christmas walking past the hanging deer carcass. Carla reluctantly follows him in.
Cream: Okay.. what could possibly interest you in here?
Richards: Shut the door rookie and I'll enlighten you.
Carla sighs again and closes the door. She looks back at Alex who has gone into his ever present doctor's bag and pulled out.. a massive joint.
Cream: You are the worst cop ever!
Richards: You want a hit?
Cream: This is your idea of cleaning up the trailer park?
Richards: I'm dropping knowledge here. Hotboxing is overrated. Coldboxing is where it's at. You smoke more in order to stay warm!
Cream: The physics of that doesn't add up. Never mind. I can't talk logic with a man smoking pot in a meat locker.
Richards: I know.. you're out of your league.
Cream: I give up! James Wolf probably isn't in this trailer park and even if he is you would never find him!
Alex takes another big haul off his joint before laughing.
Richards: I already know where he is rook.
Cream: You can't be serious.
Alex shrugs, finishes his joint and starts walking off in the general direction.
Richards: Yeah I saw where he was when we entered the park.
Alex points towards a trailer with three rebel flags on the front.
Cream: Rebel flags?
Richards: No.. the bumper sticker.
Carla looks at the rusted red coloured pick up truck and spots a "My Other Ride Is My Sister" bumper sticker.
Cream: Can I do the honours?
Richards: Sure why not?
Cream: Trailer Park Cops! Freeze!
With that Carla kicks down the screen door of the trailer revealing James Wolf inside in bed with a really trashy looking blonde. James Wolf is of course not really James Wolf but someone who looks like a porn parody of James Wolf.
Not James Wolf: You just a hater because your sister ain't this hot.
Richards: That's a better explanation then I expected from James Wolf. You got to try harder man.
Not Wolf: Fine.. ummm.. You're just Bonnie Blue's lackey. You're not a leader.
Richards: There.. that's that same thing you said ten million times. Now that could have been the reason I came to this trailer park and did this James Wolf parody. I could claim that I'm still making incest jokes because I think they are funny and it's a hell of a lot more entertaining then your "You're nothing without Bonnie" routine.
Alex pauses.
Richards: But it's not. There's a real reason I did this. Besides the fact it would piss off James Wolf. That's just an added bonus. No, I did trailer park cops so that I could do this. James Wolf's sister.
Sister: Yes?
Richards: What's your name?
Sister: Lucy.
Richards: No.. your character name.
The girl looks bored, rolls her eyes and says.
Sister: I dunno. James Wolf’s sister.
Richards: You know why she doesn't know the name? Because I never once used it. Because it was never about James Wolf's sister. It was always about you James Wolf. You claim to be the biggest asshole in the world but when it came down to it you couldn't take a simple incest joke. What with all the trash you talked you couldn't deal with a little thrown your way? That's why Bonnie and myself keep up with the incest jokes. Because that's all they were.. jokes. But you flipped out time and time again. With the way you normally carried yourself I figured you had it coming. You did have it coming. Because James you are nothing more then a bully. A child bully. You pick on people then throw tantrums when things don't go your way. Yeah.. I did that.. But I did to it you. Because you had it coming. You're the kind of man who prides themselves on pushing the envelope. But then whines when the same is done to them. You say the same repetitive, potentially hurtful shit over and over but then cry when people give you a taste of your own medicine. So I made incest jokes because you're a hypocrite and I don't respect a hypocrite.
Alex looks slightly disturbed.
Richards: That said. I never had an issue with your late sister Julia. I do feel sorrow about her death. But as far as feeling guilt. I do not. No, her death wasn't my fault James. But if you want to look for someone to blame I'll bet your house has a mirror.
Richards: Say Bonnie actually used to have an addiction to meth. If your comments caused her to relapse and she died in a meth lab explosion would you be to blame? Or say I used to be a member of a bizarre death cult religion. Why then wouldn't you be to blame if I want back after you said I was never a leader. Why if I took the killer Kool-Aid you'd practically be a murderer, right? No, wrong. Because how would you ever know these things? Childhood records are sealed. So how would I know that Julia was abused? You knew though James. And you said nothing about it.
Fire flashes in Alex's eyes.
Richards: It's well known by the WCF universe that I've been abused in the past. Do you think for one moment I would have continued talking about incest knowing that it would hurt an innocent victim? Hell no! I might have tried to get into contact with Julia. I would have tried to help her! But you didn't care did you James? No, the minute she died you blamed the Guardians for her death!
Alex raises his voice.
Richards: THAT'S THE REAL YOU JAMES WOLF! You could have stopped this. But you didn't. Because you didn't care. You didn't care about your sister. You knew engaging with the Guardians was good for your career! You didn't care about the consequences they might and ultimately did have for your sister! I never met Julia but you did. You adopted her. You knew her her whole life. That means you would have seen the signs. That means you would have known something was wrong. You could have gotten her help. But you didn't. You turned your back on her. You even claimed to be estranged from her after her death. Gee.. what do you think is more likely to have contributed to her death. A couple of strangers making incest jokes, or her only brother, the man who adopted her as a child turning his back on her. You think for one second I would let someone get away with hurting my brother Shaun or my girlfriend Rebecca? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm all about family. Apparently you're all about family but only when it's convenient to you. You could have stopped it and possibly saved your sisters life but you were too self absorbed to even really care? That's not the actions of a real man James.
Richards: You dare blame me as a cheap attempt to further your career. Fuck you! You are the lowest of the low James Wolf. You are beyond scum you know that? You could have helped her. But you were too fucking selfish and self absorbed to so much as check on her well being! I hope your wife and child see this.. because they need to know the real James Wolf. You are a cold, uncaring sociopath pretending to be human. You were actually proud of your lame attempt to kick Estella Luiz out of the country. That's the kind of man you are James. You're just a cartoon version of a villain. Adam Young did it better. At least he's honest about what he is. You're a pale shadow of a man pretending there's some depth of character to him. There's not. You're nothing James Wolf. You never have been. You know one more reason I did the Trailer Park Cops parody this week. I did it to prove I have more balls and more imagination for something that to me is just a throw away match then you ever will. This is your ONE main event. To you this is the biggest match of the year. Yet I’m going to destroy you just like it’s just another match. Because it is. You’re just another loudmouth who talks far more then they could ever hope to back up.
Richards: You think those titles you won in dead federations should legimately impress people. All they prove is that you never got any better. You are 39 years old and yet here in the WCF you are getting routinely beaten like a raw rookie. Yeah you won all those titles. That might impress the fans. But it doesn't really impress wrestlers. You know why? Because we all know there are a million wrestling promotions out there. Most of whom don't last two months. Hell lots of them don't last two shows. Any number of us can trot out the titles we won from Psycho Sam Crazy or Ben Da Slugga. I could break out my XWCWF Commonwealth Championship. Or my AKWF Extreme Belt! AKWF does indeed stand for ass kickin wrestling federation by the way. I won my share of indy titles but I was smart enough to know something you apparently have never grasped. The fact you won minor titles does not mean the wrestling world owns you anything. It does not mean that you will come to the WCF and be gifted with belt after belt after belt. The WCF will never give you anything regardless of what an entitled, selfish little shit you are. You got opportunies, you and you alone are responsible for what you do with them.
Alex pauses for impact.
Richards: I...AM...BETTER...THEN...YOU! Unlike you who make random statements like that and expect people to take them at face value I'm actually going to prove my statement true. I spent today drinking moonshine and inventing cold boxing and I’m still considered a far bigger bad ass then you will ever be James! Most likely because in the WCF I have held a total of 6 titles to your highly impressive nada. See, that's the difference between people like you and people like me. I actually brag up my words with actions. You just have words.. then more words... then hope nobody realizes you're full of shit. You had a chance at the television title. After Kurt Narravo beat your ass you immediately said you didn't care about the television title you only care about the world title. Every single time you lose a match, and you lose a lot of matches, you claim it's just a fluke. Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth? Do you even realize how stupid you sound every time you make one of those lame excuses?
Fake Wolf: He obviously doesn't. He believes it himself. I'm a method actor by the way.
Richards: The sad thing is. You totally nailed it. Wolf really does believe his own bullshit. And it's pure bullshit. But because of that bullshit I don't have anything to fear from James Wolf. He truly believes he's already the best in spite of all the losses, all the evidence to the contrary. Because of this James will never get any better. He will never be better then he is today. And he's just not good enough. Everybody else in professional wrestling strives to improve. Not James Wolf. He looks at himself, failing hard once again, and he goes good enough. You can't argue with that kind of logic now can you?
Fake Wolf: But he's James Wolf and you're not!
Richards: Thank The Flying Spaghetti Monster for that! If I was anything like James Wolf I would still be losing to WCF stalwarts like Mary Mac. I can laugh about that now because of how much I've improved over the years. But you.. James Wolf.. if Mary showed up today I got five bucks that says she can kick your ass. Because someone who hasn't been seen for three years is still better then you! Seeing as you haven't upped your game in at least a decade! Even your so called evolutions are laughable. You went from carrying weapons to the ring... to being anti hardcore.. to weapons are okay if they help me win. At least you are consistent. You're a hypocrite many times over. How about you try and fix what's actually wrong with you instead of changing the curtains? Your ego refuses to allow you to see yourself as anything other then wrestling's ultimate badass. Anything that goes against that.. you ignore. Which is why once I finish kicking your ass at Slam this week you're going to ignore everything I had to say about it. Pretend it didn't happen. You can't accept losing but because of that you are nothing more then a simple loser.
Sister: Whoa.. that's deep.
Cream: No, it's not.
Richards: You're right Carla.. it's just the truth. Even before James Wolf decided to brand me a murderer for a death I had nothing to do with I already despised the man. He wanted to take something from me. He wanted to take MY main event spot. The main event spot I fucked earned! He wants to be in the main event without working for it. I'm fixing to show him the difference between a real main eventer and.. well James Wolf. I worked damn hard to earn my spot in the main event of One. And you had every opportunity to do the same James Wolf. But you didn't. You failed. You talk about grabbing the main event but yet you never have. Because you are all talk and no action. All excuses and no results! Anyone remember how James Wolf did in WAR?
Fake Wolf: I finished 4th in WAR!
Richards: Yeah.. James finished 4th in WAR. One spot better then I did. He bested me in WAR. Only by a few seconds but that doesn't matter. The fact he finished fourth in WAR was more impressive then my 5th place finish. Now the winner of WAR gets a guaranteed spot in the main event of One. That means that by finishing 4th if either of us were going to go on to main event One it should have been James Wolf. But it didn't turn out that way now did it? Since WAR I lost one match, to one man, Teo Del Sol. I own that. After I lost to Teddy I went on to beat the world champion Odin Balfore and Noble Savage, someone who hadn't lost since their debut. That's my response to losses. What's your response to losses?
Alex looks at the group. But gets no response.
Richards: More losses! You had a chance to win the television title. You failed. You followed that up by losing to Teo Blaze. You faced Night Rider who won one match after losing the television title. That one match was against you. Your stock continued to fall and fall. You joined Odin Balfore's team at Helimination. You were the first man eliminated! That's why I say results matter. That's why everyone else thinks it's a joke when they brag about what a legend of wrestling you are. You didn't last five minutes in Helimination! But even after all that failure Corey Black still gave you an opportunity. He still gave you one more chance to shine. On the Stan Lee tribute show he booked you against himself. You had the chance to defeat a hall of a famer. A four time world champion. It was a huge match for you. Only it wasn't. It ended in yet another defeat. But and this is important. This was not prime Corey Black. This is semi retired Corey Black. This is the Corey Black who spent most of the year feuding with and ultimately losing most of the matches to my friend but relative newcomer to the sport L Verez. During those matches L showed she had what it takes to be a big star in wrestling. I was proud of L watching those matches. Nobody was proud of your performance against Corey Black. You proved what everyone already knows. It takes more then just saying you're a star to actually be one.
Richards: As much as you say they don't results matter James Wolf. Results are the things you need to have in order to back up your threats. Otherwise people listen to them and they really pay them much attention. Because they are just idle boasts. That's why whatever lame threats you make against me this week. I don't need to worry about. Because I know that every time you face someone in the WCF who's a big star you lose horribly. You get trounced even. To be fair most of the time when facing anyone else... you also get trounced. I succeeded where you failed. That's why I earned the right to main event One. While you, even though you outlasted me in WAR, earned nothing for yourself.
Fake Wolf: All flukes!
Alex nods his respect to the obvious fake.
Richards: Your Wolf impression is solid. Seriously though how exactly do you plan on beating me? That’s a serious question. How are you going to beat me? Because as far as I can tell the only thing you even really think you have on me is the fact that I’m not a leader? What does that have to do with anything? Yeah I liked Bonnie. I liked her enough to support her. I got burned because of it. How does that help you? You trusted no one and never put yourself out there even to help your own family. That means you’re not a leader either jackass! The fact that I chose not to be a leader doesn’t mean I can’t. Normally this whole Trailer Park Cops thing would have been something I did with Bonnie Blue. But instead I went out and hired Constable Carla Cream. Who kind of has a stick up her butt.
Cream: Hey! I mean.. it’s kind of fair but still as an aspiring actress I have a lot riding on this.
Richards: My whole life people have been telling me things I couldn’t do. Every time I proved them wrong. This is going to be no different. You don’t know what kind of a leader I am capable of being. But I know you’ve never even tried to lead or follow. Being alone doesn’t make you a bad ass lone wolf James, it just means nobody wants you on their side.
Richards: But look at the bright side James. I'm not going to end your dreams of being in the main event. Technically. Because nothing is going to change your mind about being a main eventer because you're so fucking delusional! It isn't going to change anyone else's mind of you either. Everyone else already knows you aren't good enough. This is simply going to be one more piece of proof. But by all means go on to challenge John Rabid after I finish kicking your ass. I mean you will anyways. I despise John Rabid but I don't even have to watch the match to know the result. Like no one has to watch this match in order to know the result. Why do you think a match involving the man who's a headliner of One is in the middle of the card?
Cream: They place matches randomly?
Richards: Good guess but no. The actual reason is to the world this match is a forgone conclusion. Everyone except for James knows the result of this match before it even begins. Next week James will be talking about yet another fluke loss, and every other wrestler in the company will be laughing at him behind his back. See James.. you aren't even the giant bad ass you pretend to be. Because in wrestling it's all about results.. and you don't have any. You won't have any this week either. I learn from every loss I've suffered, you ignore every loss you suffer. That's why I have one of the best records in the WCF this year. That's why I'm in the main event of One. And that's why you're just a punch line James Wolf. You're the washed up washed indy star that trainers in wrestling schools warn their students not to be like. You have an ego like a star but you don't have the talent of one. You don't have the drive of one. Because of that you are simply a punching bag for people who are actually stars. People like me. You probably believe this is going to be a real challenge for me this week. But I don't see it that way. Because you see when you've been in the ring with legends of wrestling like Steve Orbit, Jonny Fly, Corey Black, Bobby Cairo, Odin Balfore.. then a match with James Wolf.. it don't seem like that big of a deal. And if I could challenge all of those men and in some cases defeat them. You have big wins over the likes of Adam Young, John McCarthy and the Ultimate Destroyer. But when the level of talent of your opponent rises, you do not. You want to be in the main event.. everyone knows your place is the opening match. Everyone except you. What the fuck chance do you have against me James Wolf? Let me give you a hint because I know you aren't the brightest. It rhymes with beero.
Alex shakes his head
Richards: But you're going to ignore all of these facts. You're going to go into Slam confident of a victory in spite of the fact that literally every piece of evidence is against you. Then the predictable result is going to happen. Yet another beating, yet another loss for James Wolf. Because he just doesn't fucking get it! He doesn't get that nobody ever gives you anything you have to earn it! I have earned it and there is no way some mediocre at best blowhard is going to take what I worked so hard for! You are basically the wrestling version of Donald Trump. He's basically a blowhard who got drunk in a bar and said I can be president. Except you know.. he actually did it. So yeah.. you're actually worse then the wrestling version of Donald Trump because you accomplished nothing in the WCF and your attitude ensures you never will! You know I wish I could feel sorry for James. But I can't. This is exactly what he deserves. Because he's just as much of a shit person as he is a shit wrestler. You're the man who turned their back on their traumazed sister then had the fucking balls to blame me for her death! Julia.. I never knew you but I can safely say you deserved better then James Wolf. I'm going to enjoy every second of this beating I lay on you Wolf. You're a poser as a wrestler and an even bigger poser as a man. When this match is over you'll ignore the result but everyone else will clearly know the truth.. that confusion always reigns!
Meanwhile back in the disgusting trailer from earlier a man inside pushes the button on his very loud, very expensive sound system that seems very out of place.
BOUDLE!
Screams the speakers once again. The man inside. A handsome, scowling young man named Evan Lynn watches through the curtains.. looking at Alex Richards and his cohorts as they leave in the black van.
Evan Lynn: It wasn't time last week Alex. It's still not time yet. But it will be time soon. My family will have their revenge on you Richards. We will be avenged!
Fade To Black