How to start a Terroist Organisation in 3 easy steps!
Dec 9, 2018 15:48:54 GMT -5
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Post by The Very Big Śpainards on Dec 9, 2018 15:48:54 GMT -5
--5th December 2018--
--Nato Headquarters, Belgium--
--2:20pm--
A bright, bolstering sun lights up the various buildings in the flanders portion of Brussels, Belgium. Each one showering the surroundings in all their elegance and constructional brilliance, until practically each and every spot of the European Capital was seemingly smothered in it, like a tower of grandeur.
The peak of this pile of pulchritudinous powder, or at least the most important sprinkle, was that NATO Headquarters. Men and women fluttered round the building, eager to continue their critical work in shaping the world. Little did they know that a much more significant matter would soon be upon their doorstep.
Two homeless men who look like a pair of abused hyenas waddle their obnoxiously large frames into the area around the NATO Headquarters. Both wearing luchador masks that look like they haven't been washed since before they were even made. They walk up to one poor soul, a woman trying to make her way through to her next probably consequential requirement.
The larger of the pair scratches at his neck and continually mumbled the word "polite" under his breath before he stops the woman.
El Gran Grande: Ah, Hello. Err...
The large man pauses and pulls out a crumpled up slip of paper from his equally crumpled "North Face" tracksuit bottoms.
El Gran Grande: Ah, Hello. I am a.. Man! Who is.. sane and has come here to ask a...
...
question!
El Gran Grande reads from the paper, trying his best to make it sound authentic, but that is difficult when most of the words are in syllable form and theirs numerous pictures of "cool aliens" scattered along the slip.
Woman: I'm sorry sir, but could you and your friend please take off your masks?
El Gran Grande looks around confused, before his eyes settle on Ainsley and his mouths opens like he realises someone else's misunderstanding.
El Gran Grande: Ah, racism. Shoulda known. Don't get me wrong that's not sarcasm, this actually benefits me a lot-
El Gran Grande and his partner takes of their masks revealing faces that wouldn't be uncommon on the corpses of soldiers during the Crimean war.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, it does, yeah. I'm not like judging or anything, no! No! My uh.. friend here is actually a quite a well respected member of the hate crime community! Tell her Ainsley.
The woman turns to the maskless El Aìnsley with a dumbfounded look. El Aìnsley freezes for a good few seconds before falling into a incredibly forced and awkward laugh. The woman rooms follows suit with an even more forced chuckle and El Gran Grande stares at them with a look of growing discomfort.
El Gran Grande: Fuck are you both laughi- argh! Nevermind!
An awkward silence befalls the trio as all three exchange glances in confusion as to the cause of the silence.
Woman: Your question?
El Gran Grande: "My Question"? What t- Wait, oh yeah, one second actually.
El Gran Grande tosses the first slip of paper and pulls out another from his pocket.
El Gran Grande: Ah! Yes so me and my friend here have actually been, uh, the victims of uh.. well nothing technically but uh.. I kinda wanna blame a specific person for something so I make myself the victim, you understand right? I mean you are a politician.
Basically this uh.. Man, has filled me with a lot of spite. So I'm gonna try and fill him with more spite by doing something he does even better than he does it! So, with that do you, or any of your country friends, have any advice on terrorism?
Another blank silence fills the group as the woman tries her best to wrap her head around what the crazed fat man is saying.
Woman: Uh... how to fight against terrorism?
El Gran Grande: Oh no, no. Haha, uh.. more of like, performing terrorism, converting people to terrorism, preparing for terrorism, just the basics, it's all I need.
The pause continues on for a while. El Gran Grande soon momentarily drops his friendly facade a mumbled a "fucking, French caterpillar" under his breath and turns back to the woman with a fake laugh.
El Gran Grande: What I mean is, if me and my uh... him, where to hypothetically start a terrorist organisation, what tips would you give us to help us start up?
Woman: Starting a terrorist organisation would actually be illegal, sir.
El Gran Grande rolls his eyes dramtically.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, yeah, sky is blue. Basically what is terrorism? I- I'm going to be honest I'm not a 100% sure what it is, I'm- like 98% sure but I'm a perfectionist! Like Pabliccasso or whatever his name is!
I was gonna look this up on the internet but then some FBI dickhead started investigating me along with all the other things in getting fucking bothered about and I can't even read! So it was pointless!
Fuxking society..
So basically, I have come here, the home of the internet, to ask you "What is terrorism and how do I do it?".
Woman: Sir, this isn't-! Sir! Terrorism is the act of the unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims and is, as mentioned before, highly illegal.
El Gran Grande nods along as El Aìnsley's becomes more and more annoyed.
El Gran Grande: Oh, uh good, so basically what I've been doing anyway.
El Aìnsley let's out a panicked noise, like the growl of a obese dingo as the woman's brows furrow in shock and annoyance.
Woman: You've been doing what?!
El Gran Grande: Oh wait, like not in a bad way. Like all those other guys like Al Quaeda and that they do it for political reasons, bad stuff, you know? I'm not pretentious and egotistical, gosh. I mean- I guess sort of but it's hard to not be egotistical when everyone but me is gorilla fucking garbage, get me NATO?
Woman: No, not one bit.
El Gran Grande: Ok, fine. I'm not doing this to change society or whatever, I just wanna piss off Scott Slayer! He's a fucking dick head. He's an anarchist whivh isn't a terroist but I'm not going to pretend like I know the difference. Uh.. what else? He's 6 foot 4 which is like almoooost past the "stupid ass fucking midget bitch" territory but he never fucking grows! It's like he wants to be a fuckhead! Anybody that cruel deserves to be retired not just from wrestling but from life! Which I would do if there wasn't some dumb fucking NATO laws stopping me, so maybe fix that, dumbasses.
Woman: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave you're clearly not in the right state of mind and I don't want to have to call security, but I will if necessary.
El Gran Grande: Oh like fuck you will! I'm a citizen! From.. from- I can't remember where exactly but there's definetly a Britain in their somewhere! You're meant to serve countries! Youre basically my slave! Now tell me how to terrorist before I am forced to say bad things about you on the internet.
Woman: Sir, you need to leave-
El Gran Grande: Oh suck an egg! I put a lot of effort into this, you know? Got a flight and all! Had to get fake passports, that's not easy! Getting then from a weird, preachy, homoerotic guy who's most likely a Cereal killer, and not like "serial killer" that's like fruity pebbles and rice kripsies Cereal. It's weird.
I got it all figured out apart from the actual like terroisming. I'll call it "Alliance Indented to the Destruction of Scott" and that's long but if you just abbreviate the main, capitalised words you get..
...
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!
El Gran Grande turns and punches one of the men walking by with enough force to knock said man out immediately.
Everyone's attention turns to the commotion with shocked faces as El Gran Grande turns to look at each one, he scratches his eye again and begins rising and lowering his arms, like he's stuttering trying to make a motion with them.
El Gran Grande: That wasn't me! He- he fell! He just- yeah. You know actually- this is fucked! I proper fucking broke into a dudes house a week ago apparently and nobody was assed! I just covered it up easy! You didn't bat a fucking eye! But now that it happens to you guys! "Oh! Big scandal Oh! Criminal!" NO, fuck you! You know for a company meant to protect all of humanity you guys are pretty fucking selfish!
El Gran Grande goes to continue his rant but is tackled by security as he begins to scream. El Aìnsley raises his hands above his head in a look that is dissappinted but not surprised.
They're both dragged off into a police van as El Gran Grande continues to scream.
El Gran Grande: I bet this is because I didn't try to seduce you, NATO! Fucking bitch! You think you have the liberty of seeing my penis! I DONT EVEN HAVE THAT FUCKING LIBERTY!
El Gran Grande's complaints get quite and quieter as he gets placed in the van before becoming little more than muffled shouts the police van drives away.
--5th November 2018--
--Police Station in Brussels--
--4:10pm--
Mans Voice: Hello this is Dominoes Pizza.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, hello is that dominoes?
Dominoes Guy: Yes.
El Gran Grande: Oh good, I'm in uh.. Jail, sort of, right now and I need you to record this because I wanna insult Scott Slayer but they took my phone so I can't. They gave me a phone call to like call a lawyer or whatever but I'd much rather do this so-
Dominoes: Wait, what?
El Gran Grande: Just record this!
A mumbled shout can be heard from the other end of the phone call.
El Gran Grande: -yeah, yeah! I AM calling someone who can get us out, Ainsley!
...
No I'm not- don't worry!
...
SHUT UP!
...
Hey uh yeah.. Are you recording?
Dominoes: N-
El Gran Grande: Ok great. Well first of all Scott Slayer is kind of a sympathetic guy. He seems like a scarred person, one who's been through a lot and should be admired for his ability to keep going throughout what has probably been a hard life. However he has not shat himself on life television, and I actually ha- well, uh- I sort of have uh- Dominoes, can you keep a secret?
A louder, still unintelligible shout can be heard now.
El Gran Grande: IT'S FUCKING DOMINOES! DOMINOES! WHAT IS FUCKING DOMINOES GONNA DO, AINSLEY?!
...
FINE!
Uh.. yeah, So I can't tell you but.. I.. know a guy who has done that. Yeah, and he's badass, man. He's the best guy ever. And that, shitting himself thing that's really messed up and sad and not funny so if that guy was hypothetically me with a fake ID and a mask I would be like 10 times more justified and admirable than Scott Slayer is, obviously.
Plus Oblivion gave me fucking PTSD by punching me with glass so I'm like 50 times more justified and admirable obviously.
Scott Slayer tries his best to seem unique and badass and he is to be honest. He's a very respectable guy and maybe if he was taller I would be able to see him as an actual human being but he's not.
He's not taller and he's not more Spanish and he's not anything but a worthless native of the smallest state of Garbage Island and yet here he is against what is, when underexaggerated, the Spanish messiah?
I'm not going to absolutely destroy because I hate you, which I do, or because I'm the best, which I am. I'm going to absolutely destroy you simply because basic mathematics demands that be so.
There is 7 inches between us, height wise, which means on average in our next match I'm going to kill you 7 monkillion times and that's- that's a lot!
And-
Hold on a second Dominoes.
...
YEAH I AM SHOOTING, AINSLEY! BUT I'M ALSO GETTING US OUT!
...
THERE'S A MULTI STEP PLAN, DUMMY!
...
...
YEAH WELL I DON'T FUCKING SEE HIW THAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT LETTING SCOTT SLAYER KNOW HOW MUCH HE SUCKS!!
...
GO AND FUCKING-
The phone call ends abruptly leaving the Dominoes employee to wonder if that entire thing was a hallucination, which unfortunately it was not.
--Nato Headquarters, Belgium--
--2:20pm--
A bright, bolstering sun lights up the various buildings in the flanders portion of Brussels, Belgium. Each one showering the surroundings in all their elegance and constructional brilliance, until practically each and every spot of the European Capital was seemingly smothered in it, like a tower of grandeur.
The peak of this pile of pulchritudinous powder, or at least the most important sprinkle, was that NATO Headquarters. Men and women fluttered round the building, eager to continue their critical work in shaping the world. Little did they know that a much more significant matter would soon be upon their doorstep.
Two homeless men who look like a pair of abused hyenas waddle their obnoxiously large frames into the area around the NATO Headquarters. Both wearing luchador masks that look like they haven't been washed since before they were even made. They walk up to one poor soul, a woman trying to make her way through to her next probably consequential requirement.
The larger of the pair scratches at his neck and continually mumbled the word "polite" under his breath before he stops the woman.
El Gran Grande: Ah, Hello. Err...
The large man pauses and pulls out a crumpled up slip of paper from his equally crumpled "North Face" tracksuit bottoms.
El Gran Grande: Ah, Hello. I am a.. Man! Who is.. sane and has come here to ask a...
...
question!
El Gran Grande reads from the paper, trying his best to make it sound authentic, but that is difficult when most of the words are in syllable form and theirs numerous pictures of "cool aliens" scattered along the slip.
Woman: I'm sorry sir, but could you and your friend please take off your masks?
El Gran Grande looks around confused, before his eyes settle on Ainsley and his mouths opens like he realises someone else's misunderstanding.
El Gran Grande: Ah, racism. Shoulda known. Don't get me wrong that's not sarcasm, this actually benefits me a lot-
El Gran Grande and his partner takes of their masks revealing faces that wouldn't be uncommon on the corpses of soldiers during the Crimean war.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, it does, yeah. I'm not like judging or anything, no! No! My uh.. friend here is actually a quite a well respected member of the hate crime community! Tell her Ainsley.
The woman turns to the maskless El Aìnsley with a dumbfounded look. El Aìnsley freezes for a good few seconds before falling into a incredibly forced and awkward laugh. The woman rooms follows suit with an even more forced chuckle and El Gran Grande stares at them with a look of growing discomfort.
El Gran Grande: Fuck are you both laughi- argh! Nevermind!
An awkward silence befalls the trio as all three exchange glances in confusion as to the cause of the silence.
Woman: Your question?
El Gran Grande: "My Question"? What t- Wait, oh yeah, one second actually.
El Gran Grande tosses the first slip of paper and pulls out another from his pocket.
El Gran Grande: Ah! Yes so me and my friend here have actually been, uh, the victims of uh.. well nothing technically but uh.. I kinda wanna blame a specific person for something so I make myself the victim, you understand right? I mean you are a politician.
Basically this uh.. Man, has filled me with a lot of spite. So I'm gonna try and fill him with more spite by doing something he does even better than he does it! So, with that do you, or any of your country friends, have any advice on terrorism?
Another blank silence fills the group as the woman tries her best to wrap her head around what the crazed fat man is saying.
Woman: Uh... how to fight against terrorism?
El Gran Grande: Oh no, no. Haha, uh.. more of like, performing terrorism, converting people to terrorism, preparing for terrorism, just the basics, it's all I need.
The pause continues on for a while. El Gran Grande soon momentarily drops his friendly facade a mumbled a "fucking, French caterpillar" under his breath and turns back to the woman with a fake laugh.
El Gran Grande: What I mean is, if me and my uh... him, where to hypothetically start a terrorist organisation, what tips would you give us to help us start up?
Woman: Starting a terrorist organisation would actually be illegal, sir.
El Gran Grande rolls his eyes dramtically.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, yeah, sky is blue. Basically what is terrorism? I- I'm going to be honest I'm not a 100% sure what it is, I'm- like 98% sure but I'm a perfectionist! Like Pabliccasso or whatever his name is!
I was gonna look this up on the internet but then some FBI dickhead started investigating me along with all the other things in getting fucking bothered about and I can't even read! So it was pointless!
Fuxking society..
So basically, I have come here, the home of the internet, to ask you "What is terrorism and how do I do it?".
Woman: Sir, this isn't-! Sir! Terrorism is the act of the unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims and is, as mentioned before, highly illegal.
El Gran Grande nods along as El Aìnsley's becomes more and more annoyed.
El Gran Grande: Oh, uh good, so basically what I've been doing anyway.
El Aìnsley let's out a panicked noise, like the growl of a obese dingo as the woman's brows furrow in shock and annoyance.
Woman: You've been doing what?!
El Gran Grande: Oh wait, like not in a bad way. Like all those other guys like Al Quaeda and that they do it for political reasons, bad stuff, you know? I'm not pretentious and egotistical, gosh. I mean- I guess sort of but it's hard to not be egotistical when everyone but me is gorilla fucking garbage, get me NATO?
Woman: No, not one bit.
El Gran Grande: Ok, fine. I'm not doing this to change society or whatever, I just wanna piss off Scott Slayer! He's a fucking dick head. He's an anarchist whivh isn't a terroist but I'm not going to pretend like I know the difference. Uh.. what else? He's 6 foot 4 which is like almoooost past the "stupid ass fucking midget bitch" territory but he never fucking grows! It's like he wants to be a fuckhead! Anybody that cruel deserves to be retired not just from wrestling but from life! Which I would do if there wasn't some dumb fucking NATO laws stopping me, so maybe fix that, dumbasses.
Woman: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave you're clearly not in the right state of mind and I don't want to have to call security, but I will if necessary.
El Gran Grande: Oh like fuck you will! I'm a citizen! From.. from- I can't remember where exactly but there's definetly a Britain in their somewhere! You're meant to serve countries! Youre basically my slave! Now tell me how to terrorist before I am forced to say bad things about you on the internet.
Woman: Sir, you need to leave-
El Gran Grande: Oh suck an egg! I put a lot of effort into this, you know? Got a flight and all! Had to get fake passports, that's not easy! Getting then from a weird, preachy, homoerotic guy who's most likely a Cereal killer, and not like "serial killer" that's like fruity pebbles and rice kripsies Cereal. It's weird.
I got it all figured out apart from the actual like terroisming. I'll call it "Alliance Indented to the Destruction of Scott" and that's long but if you just abbreviate the main, capitalised words you get..
...
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!
El Gran Grande turns and punches one of the men walking by with enough force to knock said man out immediately.
Everyone's attention turns to the commotion with shocked faces as El Gran Grande turns to look at each one, he scratches his eye again and begins rising and lowering his arms, like he's stuttering trying to make a motion with them.
El Gran Grande: That wasn't me! He- he fell! He just- yeah. You know actually- this is fucked! I proper fucking broke into a dudes house a week ago apparently and nobody was assed! I just covered it up easy! You didn't bat a fucking eye! But now that it happens to you guys! "Oh! Big scandal Oh! Criminal!" NO, fuck you! You know for a company meant to protect all of humanity you guys are pretty fucking selfish!
El Gran Grande goes to continue his rant but is tackled by security as he begins to scream. El Aìnsley raises his hands above his head in a look that is dissappinted but not surprised.
They're both dragged off into a police van as El Gran Grande continues to scream.
El Gran Grande: I bet this is because I didn't try to seduce you, NATO! Fucking bitch! You think you have the liberty of seeing my penis! I DONT EVEN HAVE THAT FUCKING LIBERTY!
El Gran Grande's complaints get quite and quieter as he gets placed in the van before becoming little more than muffled shouts the police van drives away.
--5th November 2018--
--Police Station in Brussels--
--4:10pm--
Mans Voice: Hello this is Dominoes Pizza.
El Gran Grande: Yeah, hello is that dominoes?
Dominoes Guy: Yes.
El Gran Grande: Oh good, I'm in uh.. Jail, sort of, right now and I need you to record this because I wanna insult Scott Slayer but they took my phone so I can't. They gave me a phone call to like call a lawyer or whatever but I'd much rather do this so-
Dominoes: Wait, what?
El Gran Grande: Just record this!
A mumbled shout can be heard from the other end of the phone call.
El Gran Grande: -yeah, yeah! I AM calling someone who can get us out, Ainsley!
...
No I'm not- don't worry!
...
SHUT UP!
...
Hey uh yeah.. Are you recording?
Dominoes: N-
El Gran Grande: Ok great. Well first of all Scott Slayer is kind of a sympathetic guy. He seems like a scarred person, one who's been through a lot and should be admired for his ability to keep going throughout what has probably been a hard life. However he has not shat himself on life television, and I actually ha- well, uh- I sort of have uh- Dominoes, can you keep a secret?
A louder, still unintelligible shout can be heard now.
El Gran Grande: IT'S FUCKING DOMINOES! DOMINOES! WHAT IS FUCKING DOMINOES GONNA DO, AINSLEY?!
...
FINE!
Uh.. yeah, So I can't tell you but.. I.. know a guy who has done that. Yeah, and he's badass, man. He's the best guy ever. And that, shitting himself thing that's really messed up and sad and not funny so if that guy was hypothetically me with a fake ID and a mask I would be like 10 times more justified and admirable than Scott Slayer is, obviously.
Plus Oblivion gave me fucking PTSD by punching me with glass so I'm like 50 times more justified and admirable obviously.
Scott Slayer tries his best to seem unique and badass and he is to be honest. He's a very respectable guy and maybe if he was taller I would be able to see him as an actual human being but he's not.
He's not taller and he's not more Spanish and he's not anything but a worthless native of the smallest state of Garbage Island and yet here he is against what is, when underexaggerated, the Spanish messiah?
I'm not going to absolutely destroy because I hate you, which I do, or because I'm the best, which I am. I'm going to absolutely destroy you simply because basic mathematics demands that be so.
There is 7 inches between us, height wise, which means on average in our next match I'm going to kill you 7 monkillion times and that's- that's a lot!
And-
Hold on a second Dominoes.
...
YEAH I AM SHOOTING, AINSLEY! BUT I'M ALSO GETTING US OUT!
...
THERE'S A MULTI STEP PLAN, DUMMY!
...
...
YEAH WELL I DON'T FUCKING SEE HIW THAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN NOT LETTING SCOTT SLAYER KNOW HOW MUCH HE SUCKS!!
...
GO AND FUCKING-
The phone call ends abruptly leaving the Dominoes employee to wonder if that entire thing was a hallucination, which unfortunately it was not.
