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Post by Scott Slayer on Oct 30, 2018 19:58:42 GMT -5
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Post by Vincent Augustine on Oct 30, 2018 23:48:03 GMT -5
Your RP is a straight shoot, and that shoot is okay. I get what you are trying to do with the opening of the scene and you are on the right track. Cleaning it up a little would help out a lot. When it comes to narrative words are important, and there are some crutch words out there that many writers use to help along their sentences, words that you can usually remove from sentences. such as the word 'is'. minor restructuring without a word like is can make your sentences jump more as an example. Outside an abandoned building stands Scott Slayer in a red hoodie, black cargo pants, and shoes holding his handheld camera. A crazy laugh escapes his lips.
I removed the word is, because the implication in the structure of the sentence is that he is doing those things. This sort of thing comes with time, and practice, in no way will it be an overnight fix and you are moving in the right direction. As for the shoot remember when you have a big wall of dialogue, what you are doing when talking can be just as important as what you are saying. The words are conveying the message but some narrative describing what Scott is doing can drive that message home. Your message was well built, and put together and it flowed pretty well. Most people who write long dialog streams like that have a tendency to lose their focus and flow, you did not and that is very well done.
I would have loved to see a bit of CD in the RP, I'm all for a good story, something to build the character, to lift them up, or even in ways tear them down. Remember strife and pain are very powerful tools to help strengthen your character and in fact make them stronger.
Shoot 6 out of 10 CD 2 out of 10 (as you did some CD with the shoot) Overall 4.5 out of 10
Don't be afraid of the narrative, and don't be afraid to tell a story.
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