BLOCK A MATCH WADE MOOR VS MATTHEW DRAKE KING OF THE ROAD MATCH
The camera feed switches to a helicopter flying overhead a large eighteen wheeler. The truck is hauling a trailer filled with hay, fence posts, and various livestock. But most importantly, in the back of the trailer is Wade Moor and Matthew Drake.
Zack Davis: And as you can see, were now looking at the truck that will house this King of the Road match. And let me tell you, this is probably the most normal stipulation we've seen so far.
Freddy Whoa: And that's saying something about a match as outlandish as this.
The angle switches to a camera located in the back of the semi itself. The cages holding the two wrestlers are finally opened and both Moor and Drake rush out, trying to outrun each other to the front of the trailer.
Davis: Remember, the goal of this match is to sound the horn located at the front of the unit.
Whoa: Sounds easier said than done.
Both men have troubles keeping their balance in the truck, tripping over chickens, wood posts, and simply finding it difficult to stand on a vehicle gong 70mph down the highway.
They made it to the middle of the playing field before Moor tripped Drake. He didn't get far, however, as Drake grabbed Moor's leg and pulled him to the ground.
Davis: And we finally have some action as both men take each other to the ground.
Jockeying for position, Moor eventually gets in top of Drake and begins unloading rights and lefts on his opponent's face. Once he felt satisfied, Wade got up and restarted his trek towards the horn.
Quickly recovering, Matthew Drake kips up without issue.
Davis: Look at the Balance of Drake!
Drake quickly grabs a wooden post and chases Moor, who is trying to climb the chicken wire cage to reach the horn. Drake slams the post against Moor's back with a sick thud.
Davis: He just hit Moor with that hard wood!
Whoa: I'm... not gonna go there.
Moor falls back down onto the floor where Drake begins kicking him as hard as he can before climbing onto his back. Drake placed the wood around Moor's neck, a camel clutch of sorts.
Davis: The intensity of this young man is outrageous.
Whoa: I've heard of road rage but this is ridiculous.
Davis: Just stop.
Drake choked Moor until his face started to turn purple. Drake pushed Moor's body down, face first onto the ground. Wasting no time, Drake got up and began slowly climbing the wire cage towards victory.
Drake was fingertips away from the horn when Wade Moor regained consciousness. Struggling to stand, he crawled to the cage and began shaking it with all his strength. Matthew, not focused on hanging on, quickly lost his balance. Instead of just falling, Drake tried to turn this into offense. When he fell, he drops an elbow onto Moor.
Whoa: Drake with the elbow drop!
Davis: No! Moor rolled out of the way! Matthew lands hard onto the floor!
Wade grabs a burlap sack from the corner of the cage. Opening it, he finds chicken seed. A smirk forms on his face.
Whoa: The wheels are turning in the head of Wade Moor.
Moor grabs a handful of seed and throws it onto Drake's back. He walks to the back of the trailer and grabs a chicken from a pen and makes his way back. He placed the chicken on the ground, letting it run up to Drake at the sight of food.
Moor: What's the matter, Colonial Sanders, chicken?!
The chicken climbed up onto Drake's back, pecking at the grains. Matthew let out a shout of pain as the chicken's beak pierced his back, picking at the food.
Whoa: It appears these chickens have extra sharp beaks.
Davis: Probably genetically modified.
Matthew Drake finally pushes the chicken off, his back covered in dots of blood, which soon trickles down his back. He turned around into a bull hammer from Moor.
Davis: Poseidon Punch! He connects with the Poseidon Punch!
Drake hits the deck hard, holding his now bloody nose. Moor smirks again, looking down at his fallen opponent before rushing to climb again.
Whoa: This is it! There's no way Drake is gonna stop him in time!
Matthew Drake finally began to stir when Wade Moor reached the top of the cage. All he had left to do was reach the horn, which was just out of reach for him.
Whoa: Moor wins! It's over!
Davis: No, no. Look at Drake!
While Moor climbed the cage, Matthew Drake had crawled his way to the livestock pen, where one cow was sitting, being transported to wherever the truck was heading. Drake propped himself up on the pen before swinging the gate open. Confused, the cow wanders out.
Davis: What is Drake thinking?
Drake climbs onto the cows back, making it angry. Drake kicked the side of the cow, which made even angrier. Bucking Drake off, it took off towards the back of the trailer. It smashed into the back of the unit, sending the back wall flying off. It also shook the entire cage, sending Moor flying off.
The sudden loud noise scared the animals, sending them into a frenzy. The cow as well as the rest of the animals jumped out of the back of the truck, surprisingly not getting injured in the process.
Whoa: Who let the dogs out?? Drake did!
Davis: Freddy... There were no any dogs in that trailer.
Whoa: Fine, who let the farm animals out? Stick in the mud Zachary over here did.
Moor scrambled to his feet, trying to climb back up before Drake could come back over. In his hurry, he tripped over something buried in the hay. Cursing, he dug it out from under the brush.
Matthew made his way over to Wade. To stop his opponent, Wade Moor threw whatever it was at him.
Davis: That appears to be a container of some sort.
Whoa: Maybe it's dog food.
Davis: Drop it, Freddy for god's sake.
Drake being momentarily stunned, Moor took this chance to capitalize.
Davis: It looks like he's setting up for Unleash the Levathan!
Whoa: No! Drake countered into a Kingslayer! He was playing possum!
Drake grabbed the container that was thrown at him. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was a spare gas can.
Whoa: Uh oh. That isn't good.
Davis: Not at all.
Drake got a sinister smirk on his face. He began pouring the gas out in a line between him and his opponent.
Davis: I think I see what he's going with this but how will he set it in motion?
Whoa: A smart man always comes prepared.
Davis: Yes but is Drake smart.
As if on queue, Drake pulls a match from his boot.
Whoa: I guess that's a yes.
Striking the match, Drake threw it onto the gas, igniting it instantly. Moor, who was just now stirring, quickly got away from the flames that were now roaring. Smirking again, Matthew began climbing the cage.
Davis: You may wanna retract that smart comment, I don't think he realized hay is highly flammable.
Whoa: Maybe that was intentional. It'll keep Moor fleeing, away from the horn.
Drake propped himself up at the top of the cage. Below him, the hay that covered the bottom of the truck was all catching on fire. Wade Moor, steeling his nerves, took a running jump through the wall of fire, scaling the cage as fast as he could.
Davis: Can Moor make it in time!?
Just barely, Moor is able to climb up and stop Drake! The two trade several vicious blows before Moor grabs Drake's head and slams it one last hard time into the cage. Drake falls down and the truck begins going up a hill, causing him to roll through the flames he set up earlier!
Whoa: HOT DAMN! Literally, hot! Damn!
Moor reaches up and pulls the horn!
Davis: WADE MOOR WINS!
Whoa: But those two are still trapped in a flaming semi truck trailer. Did anyone really win?
-No animals were harmed in the making of this match... unless humans count-
Zach Davis: And, as we can all see, that intimidating, ten foot tall steel structure has been erected around the ring, letting us all know that it is time for the electrified steel cage match.
Freddy Whoa: I have to say that this is one of my personal favorite stipulations. Zappity-zap-zap-zap.
The lights go out. Demonic chanting mashed with howling is heard before blue pyro explodes. "The Evil Within/Psycho Break Theme Song Long Way Down" by Gary Numan starts to play as the jumbotron displays weird demonic signs and figures. Blue smoke fills the arena, and a spot light focuses on a figure on one knee. Fenris stands behind the figure, his arms outstretched. Udy howls as another set of blue pyro explodes. Udy makes his way to the ring slowly before rolling in and kneeling at middle of ring. He howls again as the lights come back on and the music fades.
Kyle Steel: In the ring at this time, hailing from deep within the Lost Woods and weighing in at 200 pounds, he is the Demon Wolf . . . UDY!
The lights dim to a blood red, as glitchy electronic noises fill the arena. Many suspect that "Ghosts n' Stuff" is about to play . . . until instead they get a snippet of multiple songs. First "You Know My Name," then "Mountain Song," "Ghosts 'n Stuff, "The Scott Pilgrim Anthem," and finally "Professional Griefers." This snippets play seemingly at random until all sound stops, and the lights go off completely, until three words pop up on the jumbotron, in big white letters.
"FRANK PATRICK VENABLE"
The crowd explodes in applause as "True North" hits the P.A and Frank Patrick Venable finally makes his entrance, dressed in a dark red hoodie and wrestling tights, ready for a fight. He runs down to the ring at an almost inhumane speed, sliding into the ring from underneath the bottom rope. He panders to the always appreciative crowd before removing his hoodie and entering his corner, waiting for the bell.
Kyle Steel: And his opponent, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia, and weighing in at 205 pounds, FRANK PATRICK VENABLE!
Zach Davis: These two men have a history with each other. Though FPV is the more decorated WCF star by just about any measure, Udy does hold a victory over him the past, and he will not stop holding it over Venable's head.
Freddy Whoa: We're about to get started! I love this match! Woohoo!
A WCF crew member flips a comically large switch that is located at ringside, and a massive crackling sound emits from the cage, followed by a soft yet ominous persistent hum. Inside the cage, FPV and Udy circle the ring, feeling out their surroundings. Udy kicks the top rope into the cage, and a barrage of sparks emits from the chain link.
Zach Davis: That just goes to show how dangerous and potentially limiting this match can be. You can barely run the ropes for fear that you might accidentally hit the steel and get yourself a nasty shock.
FPV and Udy lock up to begin the action, with each man attempting to shove the other back in to the cage. Initially, FPV seems to have the advantage, getting Udy a few inches away from the electrified steel, but then Udy gets a second wind and pushes back, getting FPV a few inches away from the cage himself.
Zach Davis: These two men are very evenly matched. Similar height. Similar weight. Perhaps the biggest distinguishing factor is that Udy has a bit more formalized MMA technique built into his fighting style, whereas Frank Venable is just a straight up brawler.
Freddy Whoa: Nobody cares about your dry-as-sawdust tale of the tape when it's DEATHMATCH TIME!
With neither man having been able to get a clear advantage, they drop out of their collar and elbow tie-up and are looking for a new way to get at each other. Eventually, Udy raises his left hand over his head in the wrestlers' universal sign of asking for a test of strength. FPV accepts.
Zach Davis: Udy immediately get an advantage in the test of strength, pushing the two-time World Champion back towards the canvas!
Freddy Whoa: Booooooooooooooring. Honk-shoo. Honk-shoo. Let's get to the part where some people get electrocuted!
With the crowd starting up a chant in his favor, FPV reverses Udy's momentum and pushes back in the test of the strength to the point that Venerable is now winning, having forced Udy all the way back to into a bridging position.
Zach Davis: And FPV leaps up into the air, bringing his knees crashing down into Udy's midsection!
FPV begins to run towards the ropes so that he can bounce off and hit further offense on Udy, but, as soon as he realizes that hitting the ropes might cause him to be electrified, he stops in mid-stride.
Freddy Whoa: Oh, come on! You hit that cage like a man!
Zach Davis: Udy takes advantage of Venable's distraction, rolling him up from behind with a schoolboy!
Zach Davis: FPV is out at two!
Freddy Whoa: Can you imagine the riot that we would have in the Hammerstein Ballroom if a deathmatch ended with a schoolboy?
Udy smartly stays on top of his opponent; booting FPV in the side of the head immediately after the kick out. FPV is rocked, and it gives his opponent the perfect opening to hit a swinging neckbreaker.
Zach Davis: The Demon Wolf picks Venable off of the mat, and it looks like he's getting ready to hiptoss him into the side of the cage . . .
FPV manages to shift his weight as Udy executes the move, though, which results in the heels of FPV's feet hitting the top rope. As this happens, FPV pushes off, doing a beautiful flip through the air and armdragging Udy down to the mat all in one smooth, fluid motion.
Zach Davis: That's almost a little bit of lucha libre out of FPV, which is something that I did not expect to see out of him tonight!
FPV applies an armbar at center ring and cranks on it.
Freddy Whoa: Okay, that's it. I'm sick of this shit.
Freddy removes his headset and grabs one of the house mics, heading over to the ringside area and addressing the audience.
Freddy Whoa: Schoolboys? Hiptosses? A GODDAMN ARMBAR?! I didn't come to the George A. Romero Memorial King of the Deathmatch Tournament to see any of this! Let's spice things up a little bit!
While FPV continues to work his armbar, Freddy Whoa reaches underneath the ring and pulls out a large black pelican case labelled "Freddy's Box o' Fun" in giant red letters. He then disengages the switch that has been electrifying the steel cage, opens the door, and slides the pelican case into the ring before closing the door, turning the switch back on, and returning to his spot at the announcers' table.
Freddy Whoa: Okay, now the good times can roll!
Zach Davis: You mean to tell me that you've had that box sitting under the ring this whole time, just ready to go in case one of the tournament matches wasn't living up to your expectations?
Freddy Whoa: I was a Boy Scout, Zach, and you know their motto . . . always be prepared.
Curious about the new entry into the match, FPV gives up his armbar on Udy, walking over to the pelican case and opening it up. The camera can't quite get a good shot of what the contents are, but we can see enough to tell that it's full of all sorts of odd items. FPV reaches his hand in and comes out with . . .
Zach Davis: . . . is that a rubber chicken with razor blades glued all over its body?
Freddy Whoa: What? Sometimes I get bored and do craft projects that I see on Pinterest.
Zach Davis: What kind of sick, dark web version of Pinterest are you on?!
Udy has recovered from the armbar and stalks towards FPV, but the former world champion sees him coming and grabs the rubber chicken by its neck and swinging it like a club into Udy's stomach. The razor blades slice long gashes into his belly, and he immediately doubles over holding his bleeding midsection.
Zach Davis: As if worrying about being electrocuted wasn't bad enough, now this two have all kinds of other concerns thanks to my disturbed broadcast colleague!
FPV lifts the chicken up high over his head, whipping it down across Udy's back . . . and again . . . and again . . .
Freddy Whoa: The Demon Wolf has been sliced and diced like a fresh batch of julienne French fries!
Zach Davis: Venable throws the chicken aside and goes back into the box, as though he's looking for something that he saw earlier, and now he's got . . . four lemons?
Freddy Whoa: I like the way this FPV guy thinks!
FPV takes two lemons in each hand and holds them over Udy's back, then crushing the fruit and sending cascades of acidic lemon juice into the fresh wounds that are now prominent in between Udy's shoulders.
Zach Davis: And Udy is thrashing around on the mat like a fish out of water! FPV just added a whole lot of insult to injury!
Freddy Whoa: Wait a second, though, what is Fenris doing?!
Udy's manager, Fenris, has climbed up on to the announce table so that he is within the two wrestlers' line of sight. Fenris then rolls his eyes back into his head and begins uttering a dark, demonic chant.
Freddy Whoa: He must be trying to summon the Great Old One Chaugnar Faugn, the elephant-headed horror of the hills!
Zach Davis: Or he's just trying to distract Frank Venable long enough for Udy to regain his composure, which appears to be working, as FPV is staring confused at Fenris while Udy slowly pulls himself back up to his feet using the ring ropes.
Udy regains a vertical base and charges at FPV from behind, ultimately grabbing him by the back of his neck and the seat of his tights and throwing him over the top rope, almost as though he was eliminating him from a battle royal.
Instead of sailing effortlessly over the top rope and down onto the arena floor, FPV slams back-first into the electrified cage and then lands in a heap on the ring apron, his head and right shoulder taking most of the force. He gyrates for a few moments while lying on the apron, an after effect of the electricity coursing through his body.
Zach Davis: Fenris has definitely earned his keep so far tonight, and now Udy is running towards the prone body of Venable . . .
After running a few feet, Udy drops down in to a baseball slide kick that connects with the downed FPV and sends him crashing once more into the steel cage.
Freddy Whoa: I love it! Just a few more shots like that, and FPV will be a permanently crispy critter!
Zach Davis: Seek professional psychological help. Seriously.
Deciding that he is not quite done torturing FPV, Udy walks over to Freddy's Box O' Fun and pulls out a canvas bag tied closed with a drawstring.
Zach Davis: Oh, we've seen this on professional wrestling shows before! It looks like Udy is ready to introduce a whole mess of thumbtacks into the match!
Freddy Whoa: You don't know how wrong you are . . .
Udy undoes the drawstring and lifts the bag up to dump its contents across the mat. However, he recoils in terror when he realizes that, instead of the expected tacks, he has just dumped out a whole mess of . . . live scorpions.
Zach Davis: I'm just going to stop asking you all of the questions that race through my head each time that something new comes out of this box.
Quickly adapting to this new twist in the match, Udy grabs three scorpions by their tails and walks over to FPV, who still has not managed to get back up to his feet. Udy appears ready to place the writhing bugs on his opponent's face, but, before he has an opportunity to do so, FPV quickly reaches up and grabs Udy's wrist with one hand. With the other hand, he grabs the front of Udy's tights and pulls them open while simultaneously shoving Udy's scorpion hand down the front of his own pants.
Zach Davis Oh no! The Demon Wolf now has britches full of arachnids!
Freddy Whoa: I know a very small but passionate set of fetishists who would pay a lot of money for footage of this portion of the match.
Udy begins leaping up and down across the ring as the scorpions sting him inside is trousers. Each time he appears ready to reach down his pants to correct the situation; he is interrupted by being stung yet again. FPV chuckles a bit and picks a spare scorpion up from the mat, then flicking it into the electrified cage, where it is immediately fried. FPV picks the fried bug up off of the mat and eats it.
Zach Davis: We've seen some disgusting things in this tournament so far, but that may be towards the top of the list.
Freddy Whoa: What, you haven't seen somebody eat crawfish before? They're basically just water scorpions, and people think they're delicious.
Perhaps as a result of the scorpion venom coursing through his veins, Udy has slowed down, still trying to remove the offending animals from his clothing but not doing it nearly as rapidly. Knowing that his opponent is distracted, FPV goes back to the Box O' Fun and pulls out a large wrench.
Zach Davis: Well, that's probably the most conventional pro wrestling weapon we've seen come out of that box. All Frank needs to do is clock Udy upside the head with that one, and he'll have the match won.
Rather than going after his opponent with the tool, FPV walks over to the corner and begins disconnecting the turnbuckles from the ringpost.
Freddy Whoa: I don't know what's going on here just yet, but I know that FPV is always looking for new ways to hurt his opponent, so I'm excited to see where it goes!
With Venable busy dismantling part of the ring, Udy has the time that he finally needs to slowly but surely extract all three scorpions from his wrestling tights. Though he is still mobile, he is definitely somewhat worse for wear, as one of his legs, presumably the one more brutally attacked by the scorpions, has swollen up to roughly twice its normal size.
Zach Davis: Udy is having to drag that bed leg behind himself, almost like he's Quasimodo or something, but he's not going to be counted out of the match and is digging back into the Box O' Fun, and he's got . . . a rapier?
Freddy: Yeah, it's all left over from that time that one of my favorite bars was doing a Swords n' Scorpions theme night.
FPV has now disconnected the turnbuckles from two of the ring's four posts, essentially leaving one side of the ring without any ropes. Udy lunges at FPV from behind with the rapier, but the former world champion somehow senses that it is coming and sidesteps, which causes the rapier to come into contact with the electrified cage.
Zach Davis: I'm sure that was not pleasant, but the damage done was relatively brief, as Udy was able to almost immediately drop the sword!
Freddy Whoa: You've got to wonder if he'd have been successful if he didn't have that weird elephantaitis leg slowing him down.
Zach Davis: Kick to the gut by Venable . . . and he follows it up with a DDT!
Some excellent camera work from the WCF crew shows us that Udy wasn't just DDTed. He was DDTed on top of a spare scorpion, which leaves a vile mess of gooey bug guts in his hair as he lays on the mat.
Zach Davis: Venable is going back to your box, Freddy, and he's signaling that this one is over! What's he going to pull out of there this time?!
Freddy Whoa: Whatever he's doing, he'd better do it quickly, because Udy has recovered surprisingly quickly from that DDT and his back up to his feet!
Rather than getting anything out of the Box O' Fun, FPV slams the box's lid down and picks up the entire box, running towards Udy. He plants the box into Udy's chest but continues to hold on to it, bulling Udy on to the ring apron on the side where the ropes have been taken down. At this point FPV's plan has become clear, as he traps Udy's body in between the pelican case and the cage, sandwiching the Demon Wolf and forcing him to endure prolonged exposure to the electrical current.
BLOCK A MATCH JASON O'NEAL VS PSYCHOPOMP CAROLINA REAPER DEATHMATCH
#1 by Nelly hits and Jason O'Neal walks arrogantly walks to the ring, quite a bit slower than usual, clear wounds on the body of the former Champion.
Zach Davis: Former WCF World Champion Jason O’Neal, ladies and gentlemen, prepared to do battle with this man!
The lights goes out and Bleed Well of H.I.M starts playing from the speakers. Beams of lights of different color starts going off to the rhythm of the guitar and Psychopomp jumps in the middle of the entrance. The lights turns back on back and he walks towards the ring, also pretty well beaten up from half a week’s worth of combat.
Freddy Whoa: Zero points for poor Psychopomp, he wants to at least get on the board even if he is mathematically eliminated from the finals.
From the back, refs and stagehands bring down boxes, barrels, and every other type of container you can think of that contains Carolina Reaper hot sauce. The ref inside the ring hands Pomp and Jason each a small bottle to begin.
Zach Davis: Folks, this is another of Seth Lerch’s wacky creations. The Carolina Reaper pepper is the world record holder for hottest pepper in the universe. The only weapons available to use within this match are containers of the sauce. Let’s see how O’Neal and Psychopomp handle it.
DING DING DING
The bell has rung and we are under way! Jason O’Neal FLIES out of his corner and slams the glass bottle into the forehead of Psychopomp! Sauce, glass and blood cascade from the impact!
Freddy Whoa: WHOA! A cut has already formed!
Indeed, Pomp is writhing in agony. The hot sauce is seeping into his wound, burning with the fire of a thousand suns. O’Neal takes Pomp into the air and slams him on the glass with a big body slam! More cuts form on the back and arms of Psychopomp, who is already in a bad way. O’Neal grabs the bottle Pomp is holding in his hand and lines it up – placing the bottle on Pomp’s chest and stomping it! It shatters as well! Another series of cuts form on Pomp’s chest! The pain has to be too much for him!
Zach Davis: Man, I’m not so sure about this.
Jason O’Neal rolls to ringside and pulls Psychopomp along with him. There’s a 50 gallon drum with a lid on it next to them, Jason slams Pomp into it head first. Jason pries the lid off – oh my god it is filled with Carolina Reaper Hot Sauce! Psychopomp is dazed, he doesn’t know what is happening – BACK BODY DROP INTO THE 50 GALLON DRUM! HEAD FIRST, PSYCHOPOMP GOES INTO THE HOT SAUCE! HE EMERGES SECONDS LATER SLAMMING HIS HAND ON THE SUDE OF THE DRUM, HIS CUTS NOW OOZING WITH HOT SAUCE! HE HAS TAPPED OUT!
Freddy Whoa: Goodness me, what strategy by Jason O’Neal! He takes little to no damage going into the final night of the Block portion of this, the George A. Romero King of the Deathmatch Tournament! He continues on with 5 points, he has a chance at winning Block A if all the cards fall into place!
O’Neal scoffs at Pomp, who is now on the floor being hosed down. Jason walks up the ramp and to the back.
BLOCK B MATCH ANDRE AQUARIUS VS DAMIAN SIMMONS BLACK FRIDAY MATCH
We head straight into the inside of the Fairgrounds Mall in Reading, Pennsylvania where Andre Aquarius should be trying to find out where Damian Simmons is hiding, but is instead eating a cold pretzel from Auntie Anne's while a referee is hanging out in the background looking at his watch. Andre Aquarius is on his cell phone as well, seemingly looking at something quite intently.
Zach Davis: Well this is our Black Friday Match and there we can see Andre Aquarius snacking.
Freddy Whoa: I wonder where Damian Simmons is?
On cue, a cash register goes flying through a set of glass doors and over the head of Andre as Simmons emerges from the Lids store nearby. Aquarius looks around at his options and decides the best course of action is to throw...his pretzel? It's surprisingly effective! The slowly hardening and cold pretzel hits Simmons in the eye and a little salt gets into his pupil. Andre now grabbing a cup and he takes a moment to fill it with lemonade before throwing that too into the face of Simmons.
Freddy Whoa: The humanity!
Simmons blinded and sorta damp now as Andre grabs a handful of hair and leads him back into the Lids store while the referee waits nearby. Andre spots a nearby embroidery machine and bashes Simmons' head off the side of it, bringing the machine to life. Spotting the now moving needle, Andre shoves Damian's hand under and steps back as Simmons' hand is pierced repeatedly with the needle and thread. Damian now screaming in pain as Andre is looking for...a hat?
Zach Davis: Is he shopping right now?
Freddy Whoa: Well what do YOU do at a mall, Zach?
Simmons managing to tear his hand free but not without doing damage as the needle is lodged in his hand. He rips it out along with some of the thread as Andre decides it best to take off running through the broken window. A chase ensues as Andre ducks into an elevator and begins smashing the close door button.
Zach Davis: Did you know that button actually does nothing at all, it's merely there for show?
Freddy Whoa: I think Andre would have liked to have known that 5 seconds ago.
The doors begin to close until Simmons reaches in and pulls them back open enough to get in. The doors slide shut and the cameraman is forced to run up the nearby stairs, filming through the glass as the referee tries to keep up. Simmons with Andre's head in hand and he bashes it up against the side of the elevator. Another slam and the glass begins to crack. A third and final shot and the glass breaks as Andre lets out a yell for help.
Zach Davis: You know this has actually been tame compared to the rest of the tournament. It's quite refreshing!
The elevator opens up and Damian throws Andre out of the elevator and into the food court area. Simmons grabbing a chair and throwing it at Andre as he tries to get to his feet. Andre back up and he's trying to get away but finds himself trapped with only food stands around him. Andre decides to duck over the counter of Chick-Fil-A as Damian closes in on him.
Freddy Whoa: Andre really has not thought this one through...
Simmons at the counter and he starts to climb over when it's Andre with a pot. A pot of hot oil! Andre throwing the entire pot of oil into the face of Simmons and he's left falling backwards, screaming in pain as he holds his face. Andre, pot in hand, climbs back over the counter and smashes Simmons in the ribs with it. Andre with a pin attempt.
Zach Davis: Kick out!
Simmons shoving Andre off of him and getting up to his feet as Andre is looking around for another weapon. Seeing nothing else, he grabs a trashcan and lifts it over his head. Simmons counters by kicking him in the gun and grabbing him by the head. Simmons leads him over to the stairs and throws him down them, all 3 flights. Andre goes head over heels until finally he lands at the bottom, writhing in pain.
Freddy Whoa: You know I just realized how many of these store spaces are empty. It's a sad sight seeing how the financial market is destroying the American mall.
Zach Davis: Nobody is here to listen to you talk about real issues, Freddy. Just say your damn catchphrase and call the match.
Andre trying to crawl away as Simmons reaches the ground floor and grabs Andre by the head. Damian now leading Andre toward a parked car with a big sign that says "ENTER TO WIN ME!".
Damian Simmons: THESE THINGS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN!
Simmons pulls back Andre's head and slams it into the car window, cracking the glass. Andre busted open as Damian pulls open the car door and sticks Andre's head in before pressing the door close on his head. Andre squirming in pain as Damian is trying to crack his head like a melon. Damian finally relents and lets Andre fall to the ground before covering him for the pin.
Freddy Whoa: Kickout!
Zach Davis: How will this one end?!
As if on cue, a drone flies into the mall! The drone is carrying a very large box with the Amazon logo. The drone drops the box on the body of Damian Simmons. Andre Aquarius quickly opens it up and pulls a bazooka out of it.
Freddy Whoa: During the start of the match, we saw Andre Aquarius on his cell phone. Was he ordering a rocket launcher from Amazon!?
He readies his aim at Damian Simmons as Simmons stumbles up. He shoots it!
Zach Davis: OH MY GOD!
The rocket hurtles towards Simmons.
Freddy Whoa: SIMMONS CATCHES IT!
Simmons does his best to stop the rocket from hitting his body and exploding, after a tense few seconds he's able to throw it into an empty storefront which promptly explodes. Damian Simmons dives into a nearby mall kiosk, looking for shelter. Aquarius shoots off his rocket launcher right at the kiosk, which explodes!
Zach Davis: OH SHIT!
Andre dives into the wreckage and locates Simmons' body and pins him.
Freddy Whoa: WHOA! ANDRE WINS IT!
Zach Davis: Amazon wasn't satisfied with destroying the American shopping mall with their convenient online shopping - they're now destroying malls, literally, with rocket launchers. Wait. Isn't Amazon one of our sponsors?
Freddy Whoa: WE LOVE YOU AMAZON!
Once again sexy nurses rush onto the scene to check on everybody, and maybe to make out with Andre.
BLOCK A MATCH OBLIVION VS WILLIAM THE BEHEMOTH TAIPEI DEATHMATCH
Zach Davis: The fans here at the Hammerstein Ballroom are awaiting the next match..A Taipei Deathmatch between William the Behemoth and Oblivion!
Freddy Woah: Considering the absolutely insane stipulations for other matches, this one actually seems tame! A Taipei Deathmatch!
Zach Davis: There stands Oblivion, fresh off his win over Jason O’neal, but across from him stands William The Behemoth who shocked the WCF Faithful with a victory over Wade Moor in a Sharknado match, a match that one would think Moor had an advantage in!
Freddy Woah: And by the way, the WCF extends its sincerest condolences to the family of Tim Lewis, the referee who lost his life in last nights match. And we also extend our deepest thanks to Samuel L. Jackson for not only killing the shark, but providing us with these wonderful Great White Fillets!
Zach Davis: Mmmm..So good..Mrs. Lewis, in lieu of insurance, we will be providing a whole box of fillets, so your husband will be with you always..
Freddy Woah: Oblivion now, getting his fists taped and now this glue is being applied by the ref..wait..What is..He just took the glue! Oblivion just dumped the glue on himself! Now hes got the bucket of glass..OBLIVION HAS SHOVED HIS HEAD INTO THE BUCKET OF GLASS AND NOW POURS THE GLASS ALL OVER HIS BODY! IT IS LAUGHING!
Zach Davis: I’ve heard of using ones body as a weapon, but this is insane! And who in the hell brought large buckets of glue and glass?
Freddy Woah: And not to be outdone, William shoves the referee and now charges Oblivion and SMASHES HIS BUCKETS across the head of the monster! The bell has rung as William uses those buckets to bring It Down!
Zach Davis: Obi flat on his face as William dumps more of his glass onto the back of Oblivion..NOW HE’S STANDING ON HIM! LOOK AT THE BLOOD BEING SQUEEZED OUT OF OBI!
Blood pools alongside Oblivion. The sheer mass of William is basically pressing Obi Juice from numerous wounds on the back and chest of Obi...William steps down, and Obi gasps for air..William plays to the crowd before bouncing off the ropes, leaping..
Zach Davis: MISSED! William missed the big splash as Obi gets up, a mangled mess of glass and blood...William to his feet..BIG BOOT BY Oblivion sends William in the corner! Here comes Obi..BIG SPLASH! ALL THAT GLASS COVERING Oblivion digging into the flesh of both men..ANOTHER SPLASH! AND ANOTHER! Now Obi with fist after fist..Busting William wide open!
Crowd: YES! YES! YES! YES!
Freddy Woah: Now headbutts! William is Gushing blood down his face and body! Now Obi goes to whip William to the farside corner..WHOOP!
William slips on the copious of amount of blood pooled at the center of the ring and lands on his back...Oblivion climbs the top rope..
Zach Davis: OBISAULT! NO! William rolls out of the way and Oblivion crashes into the ever growing pool of blood in the center of the ring! Both men losing tons of blood..
William gets to his feet first and goes for one of the glue buckets..As Obi gets up he slams the bucket over Obis head..The glue holds quick and Obi finds it hard to remove the bucket...While Obi struggles, William goes to the outside, grabs a ringside steel chair, goes back into the ring..then whacks Obi with it over the head! The plastic bucket breaks in two..
Freddy Woah: What a shot! Oblivion is still standing with two halves of the bucket hanging from his face!
Zach Davis: And with 3 chair shots, the bucket finally comes off but not without some of Obis face and hair!
Freddy Woah: Zach, you ever wish you worked for one of those “PG” wrestling companies?
Zach Davis: When Deathmatch time rolls around...yes..But look at Oblivion! He’s still standing! And now the glass encrusted fists are flying!
William gets the upper hand and throws Oblivion to the ropes. He lifts Oblivion with the Military Press.
Freddy Woah: WHAT STRENGTH!
He slams Oblivion down onto the shards of glass used earlier! He then throws his body ontop of The Monster's, hooking the leg.
Zach Davis: Jesus. Even by Teipei Deathmatch standards, this one was off the fucking charts.
Freddy Whoa: William the Behemoth has ALMOST guaranteed victory in this block. Wade Moor can still win it, IF Wade wins tomorrow AND William loses. But if William wins, or Wade loses, William's advancing!
Zach Davis: Regardless, we've got one more day to go, and pride is on the line, and I can guarantee everyone is still going to give it their all.
BLOCK B MATCH CROW MCMORRIS VS JAICE WILDS CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH
The cameraman gets a shot of the ring as a steel cage is being lowered down from the rafters. When it's in place, a pair of large men dressed in all white come out from the back dragging a black body bag while two Pennsylvania State Troopers walk behind them, shotguns in hand.
Zach Davis: Do you like a little mystery with your deathmatches, Freddy?
Freddy Whoa: Not really, I kind of prefer-
Zach Davis: WELL I'M GLAD YOU DO BECAUSE OUR NEXT MATCH IS A GIANT MYSTERY!
Freddy Whoa: You never listen to a word I say, do you?
Zach Davis: That's right, call Scooby and the gang because we've got a mystery on our hands!
Freddy Whoa: I'm seeing cops with shotguns and what appear to be hospital orderlies...what the hell is this exactly?
Zach Davis: It's time for our Celebrity Deathmatch Match!
Freddy Whoa: Okay but where is our cele- wait. You don't think that body bag is...
Zach Davis: There's the mystery!
The orderlies lift the body bag up and over the ropes and deposit it in in the center of the ring before leaving the cage and heading up the ramp with the troopers.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
A heart monitor flat-lines as the arena lights cut out. Metallica's "Here Comes Revenge" kicks in as a purple spotlight beams down to the stage, encircled by a rolling bank of dry ice.
Above this scene a montage of breakneck imagery appears; Kick! Wham! Cutter! The unworthy falling victim before the might of the Murder Machine. A Murder of Crows! A vicious Chokeslam! It's a glorious car crash of jobbers and victories as the Crow finally emerges in the center of the storm, his massive hooded form cutting a dark, brooding silhouette eclipsed by smoke and light.
Still masked in shadow, Crow adjusts his taped right hand, gaining depth and detail as he begins his focused procession down the steel ramp. We realize now that he's wearing a customized black hoodie over his fight gear. The words, "Murder Machine", are emblazoned across the back in purple.
Kyle Steel: Standing at six foot eight! Weighing in at two hundred and sixty four pounds! Back from the dead! He is...DAHHH MURDAHHH MACHINNNE, CROW McMORHISSSS!
The spotlight follows a snarling and furious Crow at a hurried marching pace, his tall, muscular frame navigating around the squared circle as it billows more dry ice from beneath the ring. Crow's focused now, eager to dissect some poor hapless bastard within.
Eventually (after Crow is satisfied that his mind games are complete) he walks up the ring steps and into the cage, removing his hoodie and throwing it at Kyle Steel. The Murder Machine climbs the ring post and hits a sinister crucifix pose to a MASSIVE POP. Crow soaks up the adulation for a moment before waving his opponent on. After the pop, Crow leaps down and leans his back against the ring post, assuming a demeanor of nonchalance, tinged with cold, almost sociopathic menace.
"Side Of A Bullet" by Nickleback hits the speakers as the Mid-Card Masterpiece enters the arena!! There are cheers and whistles and applause and those dollar store noisemakers!! Jaice makes the most epic generic entrance you have ever seen, and sonuva bitch, are people excited!! More cheers! More applause! More noisemakers!
Kyle Davis: From Puerto Vehlo, Brazil, weighing in at 184 pounds, he is the XTREME AERIALIST....JAICE WILLLLLLLLLLLLDS!
Jaice hugs people and high fives motherfuckers and gives the fans all the love they give him!! Then he's in the ring and people are STILL going nuts! The ring announcer gets a fist bump! Okay, now for other things!!
Freddy Whoa: So do we find out who the celebrity is now or does it come later? I'm legitimately asking because even we've got no real idea what is happening here.
Suddenly the jumbotron flickers on and Seth Lerch appears from wherever it is that he hangs on during shows.
Seth Lerch: So truth time, folks. I've spent the last few days trying to come up with new matches for this tournament to keep you all entertained and happy and it's taken a toll. Last night this whole match was pitched to me by someone I'd rather not admit to talking to and I can't believe I actually went through with it.
Zach Davis: Oh god, this has all the tell tale signs of being a train wreck already.
Seth Lerch: But since the cage is already set up and you two are in the ring with that body bag, I guess it's too late to pull out.
Freddy Whoa: Phrasing?
Seth Lerch: So what we're going to do is, you've got about 5 minutes to escape that cage. If you don't you get to spend some quality time with our secret celebrity guest...as soon as he wakes up. Hey, does anyone know if he's alive or not? Yeah? Okay good. Well then, good luck and I promise to never listen to Jays- I mean good luck!
The jumbotron cuts out as Crow and Jaice are both left looking at the motionless body bag with confusion. An official outside of the cage pulls a chain through the door and locks it with a padlock, meaning the only way out is to climb over the top. Another look at the body bag and Jaice decides he wants no part of this shit anymore so he runs to the cage wall and leaps up.
Freddy Whoa: Jaice Wilds already trying to escape!
But Crow isn't having any of that shit as he grabs hold of an ankle and pulls him back down to the mat. Crow with Jaice from behind and he lifts him up for a back body drop. But Jaice reverses it and lands on his feet behind Crow! Jaice now turning to run toward the other cage wall when he trips over the body bag. Jaice goes tumbling into the ropes as the body bag begins to slowly move.
Zach Davis: And it appears our guest is waking up!
Crow seems intrigued by the now moving body bag but he snaps out of it as he sees Jaice again trying to climb the cage. Crow grabs hold of Jaice by the ankles and tries to pull him back down. Jaice kicks him away with his free foot to create some space, then he drops down onto the top rope and springboards off it with a clothesline. Crow taken to the mat, landing on top of the body bag.
Freddy Whoa: And that bag is really thrashing now!
Zach Davis: Whoever is inside must really be pissed now!
Freddy Whoa: Has it been 5 minutes yet?
Zach Davis: Not yet but it doesn't matter! Look at that!
A blade appears as it's thrust from inside the body bag and begins to cut it open. All action has ceased as Crow, Jaice and the referee are watching as a man rises from the now cut open body bag. The crowd gasps in horror as everyone in the cage shits a collective brick.
Freddy Whoa: WHO THE HELL DECIDED TO LET CHARLES MANSON IN HERE?!
Zach Davis: AND WHERE DID HE GET A KNIFE?!
Freddy Whoa: Technically that's considered a shank, you see a kn-
Zach Davis: AGAIN THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR TECHNICALITIES!
Charles Manson now on his feet, shank in hand as even the monster that is Crow McMorris looks scared. Manson, a man locked away in prison for more than 45 years, looks around at the shocked crowd and begins waving the shank in the air. The referee now trying to escape the cage as he's demanding the cage door be opened. The official outside the cage takes one look at Manson and runs off.
Freddy Whoa: Well that's not a good sign!
Crow McMorris now behind the referee and he grabs him. The referee kicking and screaming as Crow pulls him away from the door, spins him around and throws him to Manson. Charlie goes nuts, repeatedly stabbing the referee in the chest, neck and stomach, drenching the ring in blood as Crow and Jaice both head for the same cage wall and begin to climb. Manson now pulling entrails out of the referee's stomach and playing with them as if they were marionettes as members of the crowd begin throwing up.
Zach Davis: Last night I watched a referee get eaten by a shark, tonight another one has been murdered by Charles Manson. What in the hell has happened to the WCF I once knew.
Jaice and Crow now both near the top of the cage and trading punches, trying to win this match still for some reason even though both could escape and get the hell out of this mess of a match. And Charles Manson is drawing a smiley face on the mat with the blood coming from the referee's severed jugular.
Freddy Whoa: WAIT WHAT IS THIS!?
Marilyn Manson is dropping from the rafters!
Zach Davis: MARILYN MANSON HAS GRABBED CHARLES MANSON!
Marilyn motions for the operator to pull him back up. The Mansons head towards the heavens and as they do, Crow jumps off the cage and grabs onto them. The three men swing like George of the Jungle swinging on a vine, and as they head back towards the cage Crow leaps off and hits a FLYING COMA KICK!
Freddy Whoa: HOLY SHIT!
Jaice falls to the mat and Crow is able to throw his body over the edge and gets the win!
Zach Davis: SCARECROW WINS IT!
Freddy Whoa: Only one man died in this match as far as I can tell, and we'll call that a victory!
Zach Davis: Speaking of victories, this block is down to two men - Scarecrow and FPV - and they meet tomorrow night! Holy shit!
Freddy Whoa: Whoever wins that will go on to face William the Behemoth or Wade Moor on Slam, but we still have all the other fun matches to look forward to. Will everyone survive?!
Jayson Price: Pretty sure Black set it that nobody new can join. Or at least they can attempt to, but they can't do anything unless it's approved. Which essentially cuts off any guests.
May 23, 2019 19:21:19 GMT -5
The Risen: Shit, I had no idea WCF shut down. I was only here for a few months, but it was a fun few months. Hope y'all are doing well.
Jun 11, 2019 1:55:16 GMT -5