HE is a SHE

["The Hebrew Hammer" Serujah]

That night I feel too nauseous to eat. I change into something simple, just a white t-shirt and blue jeans. I try to watch TV but when shows are done I have no idea what I've been watching. I don't look towards your flat. I don't look anywhere except the TV, the floor, the wall. Somehow by 10pm I force myself to stop looking at the clock every five minutes. I know it's over. I know I've frightened you away. I know.

There's a knock at the door.

It's a quiet tapping. Almost as if the knocker doesn't want to be heard. I don't remember standing up. I don't remember walking, or running, to the door. But I find myself there - my heart in my mouth - trembling. Seconds are passing, I don't want you to think I'm not going to answer. That I'm just humiliating you.

I see the light of the landing under the door. I make a sudden decision to turn the light off in my hallway and then open the door. You're standing there - I take a moment to check this is really happening. You're... Young, black jeans and trainers. Black hoodie pulled down over your face, dark curly hair tumbling out the sides. You hands stuffed in front pockets. I'm standing in darkness while you're in the flood of stair lights and my first thought is that you can already see more of me than I can of you. But you've already seen. I wanted you to see. I want you to see.

I pull the door open wider and wait. A heartbeat. Two. Then you're walking towards me. You're in my flat. I wonder what it feels like be to somewhere you've seen so often. Imagined so often. I close the door behind you shutting out the light from outside. You're still looking at your feet.

I stand in front of you in the mostly dark. I can hear your ragged breath. You're shaking, terrified. I put my hand on your wrist and gently pull one of your hands free from a pocket. It's small, cold. Even in this light I see you're black. I blink once, surprised. I squeeze your hand. You look up at me. You look like you're about to be sick.

You're a girl.

I must look as surprised as a feel. You make to pull your hand away and turn towards to the door to run. I let go but at the same time put a hand on the door to hold it closed.

"No."

You look at me again. Your lip trembles. I reach out with both hands and pull down the hood of your top so I can see you properly. My eyes have adjusted to the light. You look like you're building up to speaking. I put a finger to your lips.

"You're beautiful."

You let out a single ragged breath. I take your hand again and lift it to touch my face. Your eyes are wide and staring. I let go and your hand remains there. A heartbeat. Two.

I take your hand once more - "come with me". I lead you into the bedroom. The curtains are open. I close them slowly. "Only you can see me." It's pitch dark for a second then I fumble a box of matches and one blazes into light before being use to light a couple of candles.

You still stand frozen to the spot where I let go of your hand. I'm standing a few feet away. "Can you see me?" A mute nod. "Say it." A pause and a mumbled "Yes." I shake my head. "Say it better." Your eyes seek mine. Louder this time, "I can see you."

I think my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I don't know what to think, what to feel. My fantasies are blown to smithereens but... But... You're here. You want me. I want you to want me. I want. Oh god, I want.

I slowly pull my t-shirt over my head and drop it to the floor. Your mouth falls open. I undo my jeans, unzip, push them down and kick them away. "Can you see me?" Your voice cracks, "I can see you." I undo my bra and drop it too. Finally, I push my panties down and step out of them. Your voice ragged, "I can see you."

"I want to see you too." You eyes bulge for a moment and I think you're going to run. The candles flicker in the sudden silence. Then you're pulling off your hoodie... Your t-shirt... Your trainers, socks, jeans... You fumble for a moment with your bra-clasp - I imagine your fingers shaking and numb. Your breasts finally free, they're small and wonderful - nipples hard like bullets. I wonder how much longing my expression is showing. Your eyes search my face. I pointedly look between your legs. You knickers are damp. I fancy that I can smell your excitement, but perhaps it's mine.

Then your knickers are gone too and you're standing in front of me. So beautiful. You're staring hard enough to make me combust. You want me. You want me.

"You've seen me. For all I know, many times. Do you want to see me again?" You start to nod but catch yourself, "yes." I become suddenly aware that my voice is shaking too. "I want to see you too. Like you've seen me." Puzzlement crosses your face. I tilt my head to indicate the bed. "Lie down." You walk over and lie on your back, looking up at me..

I move to stand by the foot of the bed. I close my eyes for a second and put my hands on my breasts. I let out a slow ragged breath before breathing in deeply. I caress and lift my breasts, pinch and tug my nipples, teasing myself. I look down at you. "Can you see me?" The words are barely out of your mouth before you reply, "Yes. Yes. I can see you."

I'm lost to the moment, it's so hot I'm burning up. My knees feel weak. I've never been this horny. I think I'm going to die. I want you to need me. I want it so much. Crazy J is forgotten. For a moment I can't speak. I force myself.

"Do you like what you see?" A gasp, "yes". "Show me, show me what you do when you're watching me. Watch me. Please watch me. Watch me. Watch me."

By this point, I've fallen back against the wall. Leaning heavily against it. One hand on my breast. My legs spread, my other hand seeking more. You've locked eyes with me. Your legs bent and wide. Both hands between them. I hear sounds of wet movement. Your back is arched. My fingers are inside myself, the driving against my clit. Over and over. The world is receding, blood rushes in my ears but I can hear you saying over and over, "I see you, I see you."

Stars, My whole body convulses. I'm shouting "fuuuck!". I see you thrashing on the bed.

Silence. Candles flicker.

I stumble to the bed and sit down next to you. You look up at me. You look like you might cry. I motion you to sit up. When you do I wrap you in my arms and hold you tight for a moment. I release you and brush the hair out of your eyes. You look questioningly at me and lean in. I put a finger to your lips.

"Go home."

Every emotion possible fights for possession of your face. You swing yourself off the bed and stand up. Gathering your clothes, you quickly dress. I do the same. You look questioningly at me once more. I smile back at you. "Now I know what it's like when you watch me." Before you can say anything I'm in the hall and have opened the door. You walk past me and out into the stairwell. You take one last look back at me. I smile again and close the door.

I go back into the bedroom, blow out the candles, fall onto the bed fully clothed and sleep the sleep of the dead. When I wake in the morning I can still smell you strongly on the sheets.

The next day I'm numb both inside and out. I go for a swim, do some shopping, some chores, stare at the TV. Everything seems so surreal.

Night roles around. Before I know it it's late almost midnight. I find myself in my bedroom, lights bright, curtains open. Somehow I've spent a whole day not thinking about the night before but now it all floods back. I can't help myself. I'm so full of sensation. I pull my clothes off and stare over at your flat. I ache for you. I want you to see me. I need you to see me. I need you.

I stumble to the living room, grab a piece of paper and a sharpie. Back in the bedroom, I hold the paper to the glass.

One word, "Please".

I'm already feeling the blood coursing in my veins. What if you're out. What if after I made you leave you're done. What if?

The outside door of your block flies open. A figure runs across the street. I drop the paper and rush to the dark hallway of my flat. I hear the patter of fast steps on the stairs. Then a pause. A heartbeat. Two. The softest of knocks on the door.

I pull the door open and you're inside. I drop the door to slam shut. Your mouth is on mine, my tongue fights yours. Your fingers feel like fire on my skin. I'm pulling your clothes off. We stumble to the bedroom. I thump the lights off on the way past. The only light now coming from the streetlights outside.

Between us, we finish pulling off the remainder of your clothes and tumble onto the bed. I feel enclosed. Surrounded. I love it so much. Your mouth is everywhere. On my nipples, my chest, my neck... Your hands follow. I kiss you hand and pull one of your hands between my legs. I cry out as you run your fingers through the wetness there and slide two fingers all the way down inside. The ‘eternal silent hellfire’ within is no longer silent.

I gasp in your ear "watch me, please watch me." You blink a couple of times and then slow down and sit up onto your haunches. You look down at me and cock your head on one side. Then, agonizingly slowly, you begin to slide your fingers in and out of my aching pussy. "I want you to see me!", I'm gasping. "I can see you", fingers moving faster. "Please. Please watch me." Your gaze becoming more steely with each thrust of your fingers. "I'm watching you. I'm watching you. I can see you. I see you. I see you."

I reach out for you but before my hand can touch your face I'm spasming and bearing down hard on your fingers. Arching off the bed. Falling back to lie, spent. You pull your fingers out of me and put them in your mouth, close your eyes, breath out slowly and swallow before wiping them on the duvet.

I'm panting. My fire receding for now but I want more. So much more. I reach out for you again and pull your face to mine, kissing you deeply. Then I motion you to lie on your back, you oblige. It's my turn for my mouth to be everywhere. I feel you moving under me, your hands in my hair as I kiss down your stomach until I'm between your legs.

The night gives way to extacy. After you’ve gone, my head clears and I see this match before me more clearly as well. Crazy J and the man with the mile long name who I’ll just call Eterno. Eterno is a quiet one, good, but not good enough for this match. Maybe his abilities are outside the ring.

And Crazy J, wow. What the hell did I see in that loser. To think, I wanted to be his own personal porno queen. Hell, just search for some of my titles online, or the endorsements I’ve done in the blow-up doll merchandising. Yeah, they put my face on the ‘Living Lisa’ model blowup doll. But Crazy J started ranting on and on about how he’s going to hurt me, slice my throat, and on and on and on and on. Been there. Done that. Heard it hundreds of times as the holder of two DIWF belts. He wants to see me as just a little girl that can’t take care of herself, then he will be sorely disappointed.

The real question now is .. Do I keep the Hardcore Belt? Or just hand it over to Pantheon?

As for the cute little black chick that’s been watching me and did truly deliver an excellent lust fueled night of passion, I’ll let her continue watching from now on. I’ll even make the shows worthwhile.

But who to invite? Pomp? Archer? Seth? Guess time will only tell.