Advice Needed

[Sarah Twilight]

Alright so I'll just get right into it:

My wife is being taken advantage of. A friend of hers daughter is getting married, my wife who is NOT the maid of honor, hosted the bridal shower. My wife has actually been putting out a major portion of this wedding. The bride's mother who is "supposedly" my wife's friend, has done ZERO. In fact AT the bridal shower (which again my wife PAID for and organized AND spent a fucking week setting up decorations etc for) the mother of the bride sat on her ass using her phone and had to be TOLD by the guests to clean up the dishes and not expect my wife to do it.

My wife feels bad because the bride and her family don't have money ... and I get that. But, when the bride's mother isn't even willing to lift a finger to HELP at her own daughter's bridal shower, I feel she'd seriously taking advantage. She doesn't work, in fact she doesn't so much of anything at all and the fact this is all in my wife's lap pisses me off.


So what I am asking is, how the fuck do I get my wife to see that her "friend" is using her and her only intention is to get what she can out of her?

My wife has a sympathetic heart and says "well they don't have money." ... since when do you need to have money to wash a fucking dish at your OWN daughter's bridal shower that you have not put ANYTHING into? Am I wrong here? This woman is just sitting back, watching everyone do for her as if she was entitled to it. She has not lifted one finger and I seriously don't like it. What the hell do I need to do to get my wife to see this?

[Thomas Uriel Bates]

Well, without more information, none of us are going to be able to come up with much. However, I need to ask; is your wife doing this for her friend, or for her friend's daughter? Sounds like the friend is not much good, at least from what you posted, but the question still remains; is it for the friend or the daughter?

If it is for the daughter, how is she acting about it?

If it is for the friend, how is the daughter acting about it? If the daughter is nice about everything, supportive, or even just completely distracted due to this being her day, then why punish her? If the daughter is not supportive, the Bride from Hell, and completely happy with her assumed no-good mother behaving in such a way, then some ties sound like they need to be cut.

[Sarah Twilight]

The daughter isn't the problem. She really is appreciative of everything and from that point, I know why my wife did what she did. I do not wish to punish the person who's day it way and I am glad she had her day. What binds me is that her mother (who has done nothing) clearly is using my wife and this is not a friendship, but a use of convenience. As I said, I do not wish to stomp on the bride or her day, but I DO wish to open my wife's eyes to the fact she's being used ... not by the bride, but by the bride's mother. (also the bride is aware of her mother and how she is and is not happy with it.)

[Thomas Uriel Bates]

I know all too well what you're going through. Your wife has to see it though, not you. She could see it as you trying to take her friend away, which would be bad.

Seems like she would need to wait til later though, after the wedding. If she pulls out now, it punishes the daughter and will be seen as petty.

[Psychopomp]

It sounds to me that its probably not the first time that her friend is doing that (not helping and stuff). With age and wisdom i' ve come to realize my friends strong and weak points, so the thing is making sure that she's alright with it because she should know how her friends are going to act and if she is then there isnt much you can say.

['The Shine' Brent Alpine]

Is your wife feeling burdened by the help she's offering? Perhaps this is a positive focus for her, a 'project', something cathartic etc. Perhaps the sentiment is 'it's better to give than to receive'. You (quite rightly IMHO) see an injustice in the bride's mother's attitude and laziness but that doesn't negate from the kindness your wife is showing.

If your wife is feeling burdened but doing it out of stoic duty, I think you could benefit from continuing to calmly telling her how it's not right. She would therefore need to have a heart to heart with her friend and draw up boundaries. I.e. 'I can do this, this and that but am unwilling to do this. If you don't do it, it will not get done' etc.

I hate seeing my wife being manipulated or mistreated so I really get your frustration. Yet if this is bothering you more than her, perhaps it's a frustration you reluctantly could let go of.

[Gemini Battle]

Continue supporting the daughter. She obviously first have a mother that gives a shit any more. The daughter doesn't deserve to be punished for an apathetic mother.

Your wife is doing a good thing for what I can only assume is a good person. It's for the daughter not the mother. My best friends don't have kids yet but I'll tell you that if He ever becomes a scum bag I would take care of his kids like they were my own.

[Ultimate destroyer]

yeah makes ya wonder how the bride to be was raised doesn't it ?