Post by Jeff Purse on May 1, 2016 15:17:58 GMT -5
The sound of a baby crying filled the pitch black air as Jeff Purse and Kari Kendall sat awake in bed talking about whose turn it was to go coo and rock the baby back to sleep. Jeff flicked the bedside lamp on, revealing a shot that the WCF universe had only seen a limited number of times, Jeff and Kari's bedroom.
Kari: Jeff, I don't care, you go.
Jeff Purse: But Kari, I went the last three times.
Kari: I handle him all day, its only fair you get him at night.
Jeff Purse: What? I take care of him during the day too.
Kari: Zzzz
Jeff Purse: You aren't sleeping and you know it.
Kari: Ssssllleeepppiinnnggg.
Jeff Purse: Damnit Kari. FINE.
Lifting in the cover Jeff swings his legs to the side of the bed in a sitting position and pulls out a small notebook out of he bedside table. He opens it to a page that reads 'Kari Owes Jeff' and makes a tick mark. She sits up and hugs him from behind, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Kari: Love you.
Jeff Purse: You still owe me.
Kari: Whatever.
She rolls her eyes and lays back down in the bed. Jeff gets up, limping all the way to his son's room. His leg still got really sore when he was off of it for a while, though the healing process seemed to be over. The physical therapy alone was enough to make him not want to wrestle again, that is, the idea of thirteen came up. Did Jeff revel in the chance to absolutely destroy Torture, to do something many have wanted to do but not many could? Fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH! He had done a lot in WCF, the chance to beat the biggest legend? Hell yeah. So that is what got him real serious about his recovery. Then, almost seemingly out of the blue, Polar Phantasm and Steve Orbit approach him about Trios? Another thing Jeff just couldn't turn down. Basically what I am trying to say, Jeff is down for awesome shit. Both of those things are awesome.
He reached his son's room and sighed. Patrick was crying louder than usual. Jeff walked over and picked the almost five month old up out of his crib. Jeff patted the infants back, rocking him a bit, trying to calm the child, but to no avail. Jeff walked over to the rocking chair, sitting down, coddling the young Patrick Gauge Purse.
Jeff Purse: There, there little man. Relax. Shh. You want me to tell you a story? You want a story? Ok, how about I tell you the story of Jeff Solo, Polar Skywalker, and SteveBaca? The story of how they saved the Repub-er the WCF? Ok...well it all happened a long, long time ago...in a galaxy far away...
An orchestra hits, DUUUN DUUUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DUNDUNDUN DUUUUUUN golden text crawls from the bottom of the screen to the top, behind it a field of stars.
Princess Kari is scene running through some halls, blasters going off behind her. There isn't much time for her to get done what she needs to get done. She drops off into a small room which has two other notable beings in it. A small, little maintenance droid, Pat2Rick2 (Jeffs son, dummies.) and C3PJeffy (polars son, dummies.). Out side the room, in the halls, walks the Stormtroopers, looking for Princess Kari. From behind them comes the dark, the terrible, the hard breathing Darth White.
Darth White: Cooo Keee. Cooo Keee. Where is the princess?
Stormtrooper Ethan King: I...I don't know.
Darth White: Wrong...coo kee...answer.
She puts her menacing hand up and force chokes the shit out of that stormtrooper. Holy shit. Princess Kari then opens and walks out into the hall. Darth White looks at her.
Darth White: Coo kee. Hello Princess.
Princess Kari: Hello. Can I get you anything...an inhaler perhaps?
The scene changes right after the princess gets captured. An old man buys some droids from some sand people. Polar skywalker was made to clean the droids. Lame. He cried about it like a little bitch. Seriously, why is the galaxy on the shoulders of a little whiney bitch? Thats the biggest problem I have with Star Wars. Its fucking rid-
Kari: JEFF!
Kari appeared in the doorway of Patricks bedroom.
Kari: I told you, please, don't swear in frong of Patty.
Jeff Purse: And I asked you, please don't call my son Patty. What are you doing?
Kari: I couldn't sleep, I heard you telling a story, thought I would come and listen.
Jeff Purse: oh, ok. I am just telling Patrick the story of Polar Skywalker, Stevebacca, and Jeff Solo.
Kari: Original.
Jeff Purse: Thanks. So anyway....where was I...Oh right. Polar Skywalker had just finished cleaning off C3PJeffy when...
While cleaning the droids, Polar Skywalker was met with a surprise when he hit a switch or something that held the secret that Princess Kari had left with Pat2Rick2. A hologram of the beautiful princess began to play right in front of him.
Princess Kari: Hello, to whomever it may concern. HELP!!! HELP!!! GOODNESS GRACIOUS HELP!!!!
The hologram cuts out right before Old Ben Flynobi came to visit.
Obi Won Flynobi: Polar Skywalker, just the nigga I came to see.
Polar Skywalker: Uh...I don't think you can say that.
Obi Won Flynobi: No, I can. I am half black now. I can say nigga just not nigg-
Polar Skywalk: OK! Ok, we get it. What...um...whats going on.
Obi Won Flynobi: Come on, we got to go to Mos Eisley Cantina.
Polar Skywalker: Why?
Obi Won Flynobi backhands Skywalker.
Obi Won Flynobi: Because bitch, I said so. Don't back talk me. Im your mother fucking elder, show some respect. Where the fuck are the hot fries?
Polar Skywalker: Sorry. Jeffy, hot fries for our guest.
Smash cut to the planet of tatooine, there is a stop where stormtroopers are looking for a bunch of droids. Which droids? Well, the exact droids that Polar Skywalker and Obi Won Flynobi had with them. When stopped at the checkpoint...Obi Won Flynobi waved his hand in front of the stormtroper, Eddie Felt. Obi Won Flynobi waved his hand in front of Eddie...
Obi Won Flynobi: These ain't the droids you're looking for, nigga.
Eddie Felt: Uhhh...they look like the ones I am looking for.
Obi Won Flynobi: But they aint.
Eddie Felt: I am pretty sure they are.
Obi Won Flynobi: FORCE!!!!! THEY AREN'T!!!!
Eddie Felt: What? They absolutley are!
Obi Won Flynobi: Um....HOT FRY DUST!!!
And with that, he blew hot fry dust into the stormtropers face, who, I forgot to tell you, had taken his helmut off to get a better look at the droids. Because thats the kind of person Eddie Felt is. He is the kind of person who would take off his fucking protective helmut to take a better look at things. God what an idiot. No wonder we are going to beat them...I mean...
Kari: What do you mean beat them? Jeff, you aren't joining that Trios team, are you?
Jeff had forgotten he was in the middle of telling a story that Kari was listening to. He also forgot that Kari didn't know about his participation in the Trio's tournament. He was left with a real conundrum.
Jeff Purse: ...Nooooooo?
Kari: GOD DAMNIT JEFF!
Jeff Purse: Hey, baby. Don't swear.
Kari: JEFF WHAT THE HELL YOU SAID THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO COMPETE AGAIN!!
Jeff Purse: BABY!
Kari: 'Oh Kari, I swear, just the match verse Torture and thats it I swear'. Bullshit. You suck.
Jeff Purse: Nice Kari.
Kari: Whatever Jeff. Do what you want. Don't care about your family.
Kari leaves the room. Jeff just shrugs and turns back to his son.
Jeff Purse: Talk about a cranky princess, amiright?
From the other room:
Kari: I HEARD THAT!
Jeff Purse: Shoot. Anyway, back to our story, the two droids, Polar Skywalker, and Obi Won Flynobi were met with some racisim at the Cantina door...
Cantina Bartender, Dag Riddick: WE DON'T SERVE THOSE KIND HERE!
Polar Skywalker: Hey! These are my friends.
Dag Bartender: I don't care, hillbilly hasbeen. Those kinds are-
Thats all that was spoken before someone blasted his head clean off. The music in the cantina stopped. Everyone looked over at the dashing, handsome, amazing, charismatic, super cool, super hip, hot and sexy Jeff Solo standing on a table, holding his blaster gun out at the Bartender. God did he look like a fucking action hero if you have ever seen one. Damn. Oh, and just so you know, son, in real Star Wars, Han shot first. Don't let anyone tell you different, like George Lucas remastering and replaceing shit, Han shot first. Just so we are clear on that. Anway, Polar and Obi Won Flynobi approached Jeff Solo and his hetrosexual lifemate and companion, Stevebacca about maybe flying them the fuck out of there. They walked out to a large pitch black flying Lincoln Navigator.
Polar Skywalker: This is a hunk of junk.
Jeff Solo: Look, dick, its not a hunk of junk. Its a fucking Pitch Black Millenium Falcon you dick. It did the kessel run in 12 parsecs you douche.
Polar Skywalker: First of all, thats rude. Second, parsec is a mesurement of distance, not time, and-
Stevebacca: GRRLLRRRLRRLR*cough* sorry. Had a frog in my throat. This ship is the best damn shit this side of the Mississippi playa.
Obi Won Flynobi: Stevebacca mah brother. Alright, take us to where we need to go, we ain't getting any younger.
YAY they all say and get in the Milennium Falcon. Meanwhile, on the deathstar, which is this big star base that is basically just one giant weapon that can blow up planets, Darth White receieves the news of what happened with the droids.
Darth White: Coo kee. Coo kee. What do you mean, 'they got away?'
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Uh...I mean...they got away?
Darth White: Unacceptable. Coo kee. Coo kee.
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Yeah but...chdklsjf
Darth White had put up her hand, and she was now choking that douche with the force. The force, Patrick, is this really bad ass thing that is never really explained in the orignial trilogy, but its understood that it is this power that certain people are born with, and Darth Vader aka Darth White is really powerful with the force. Later, it gets explained as bacteria called mitichlorians with is bullshit. Episodes 1-3, watch "What if Star Wars was good" on YouTube and take that as canon. Ok, anyway, where were we....oh right! Darth White was super cool force choking this bitch.
Darth White: Coo Kee. Coo Kee. Let this be a lesson to everyone. I WANT THOSE DROIDS! Get me the princess. Coo Kee. Coo Kee.
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Yeah...ok.
See, he didn't die, but mostly because I am not using every character. Anyway, Eddie went and retrieved the Princess.
Princess Kari: Please, what do you want with me you asthmatic piece of-
Darth White: SILENCE! Coo Kee. Coo kee. Say good bye to your home planet, you stupid bitch.
The Death Start fires, striaght into Alderon. CAFUCKINGBOOM! Then some shit happens, and they all end up on the Death Star. Flynobi goes off to deactive the tractor beam, while Jeff and Polar and Stevebacca try to go off to save the Princess.
Jeff Solo: Alright Polar, what is the plan?
Polar Skywalker: What do you mean what is the plan?
Jeff Solo: Where is the princess. Do you know. Use your stupid forcey thing.
Polar Skywalker: Hey, the force is a thing. I mean...I think it is. I don't know...but I feel her.
Stevebacca: Yeah homie, I'm gonna be feeling her too, ya hurd!?
Jeff Solo and Stevebacca slap five. They move around the shit and spot two storm troopers...Eddie and Ethan.
Ethan Stormtrooper King: I AM BETTER!
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: NO ME!
They are acting like real bro's. I hate bro's. So Jeff Solo and Polar Skywalker knocked those two posers out quickly and stole their costumes. They think that they know what it was like in this fucking fed five years ago when they were ten years old. Fuck those young pricks. I had no issue with them, but they want to come out and disrespect a fucking legacy? Come on. Steve Orbit is a two time mother fucking world champion boss. Polar Phantasm took this fed by storm that no other person had done before or since then. And me? Please. My list of accolades goes on way past whatever the fuck these two fratboys think they could accomplish in this fed. Show just a little respect you pieces of garbage.
You know what its like on our level? No, you don't. Let me tell you what its like though. When you are at my level, you get to choose what matches you fight. Jonny Fly. Seth Lerch. Torture. This bullshit. All because I want to. I don't have to do anything. Thats the level that I am at, Bro's. You can dream to one day have the amount of success that I have, but you are already falling behind me. My time in the company that you have had, I was a tag champion and the US champion, about to become TV champion and forming the best fucking stable this mother fucking company had ever seen. You think I am impressed because you won the US title, King? No. I am not. King vs Purse? That won't happen. Because I don't want to. Because I am better than you. End of disscussion, youngin'. Anyway, back to the fucking story. Jeff Solo and Polar Skywalker knocked the fuck out of those punks.
Polar Skywalker: Ok, now that we got these costumes...lets find her.
Jeff Solo: ok.
Stevebacca: I feel like there is some racist shit going on when I don't get a costume and have to pretend to be a prisoner.
Jeff Solo: Its not racist Stevie. You are like 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. You wouldn't fit into this suit.
Stevebacca: It would have been nice to been offered though.
Jeff Solo: Get over it Stevie.
Stevebacca: Just sayin'.
Polar Skywalker: In here. I can feel her in here.
Stevebacca: I'll be feeling her in there.
Jeff Solo and Stevebacca slap five.
Polar Skywalker: You guys already made that joke.
Jeff Solo: So?
Polar Skywalker: In here!
They blast open the door and inside was the most beautiful princess they ever did see.
Jeff Solo: DIBS!
Stevebacca: Di-oh you asshole.
Jeff Solo: Thats right baby, I am Jeff Solo. The best in the world at what I do.
Princess Kari: Ok Jericho, what is this.
Polar Skywalker: We are here to bust you out...COME ON!
The calvery comes, let by Ethan and Eddie, those two douche bag bro stormtroopers. Our heros run away from the blasting, working their way back to the ship. They board, and defend, waiting for Flynobi. But then, Polar see's something he thought he would never see.
Darth White: Coo Kee. Old man, your time is up. Cause you gotta know when to hold them, coo kee, and know when to fold em, coo kee.
Obi Won Flynobi: Yeah, we get it, you have a dumb gambler gimmick. Big deal. Just kill me so that Polar over there can have the strength later to blow this shithole up.
Darth White turns on her lightsaber. And in the worst lightsaber battle of the whole series, Darth White strikes Obi Won Flynobi, who disinigrates like the wicked witch melting into the ground.
Polar Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
But the ship was already pulling out. It was time...almost...for the last battle. And just a sidenote, Tiffany White was a professional gambler before coming to the WCF? Thats a thing? Thats dumb. Before me I don't remember too many people who had a successful career outside of wrestling. That was my thing. Now everyone is miling off of my success. Bullshit. Get your own thing, Tiffany. And be happy I made you Darth Vader in this mother fucker, I didn't have to do that. You surely aren't the best of your team. Anyway, the Millennium falcon lands at the Rebel base and plans begin being made to attack the Death Star. Jeff Solo and Stevebacca pretty much say FUCK THIS and leave, taking some prizes, because it isn't their fight. Polar Skywalker boards a plane with Pat2Rick2 as his maintainec droid and they are off in a space fight with the death star. Darth White decided to join as well. It seemed like the rebels were about to leave...when out of the sky came....
Jeff Solo: YABBA FUCKING DABBA!
Stevebacca: What?
Jeff Solo: Yabba Dabba. It means cool, or awesome. People use it that way. You should. We all should.
Stevebacca: Wow.
Jeff Solo: Yeah. (turns on radio) Hey kid, we are back, what ship is that Darth bitch in?
Polar Skywalker: That one.
Jeff Solo shoots the shit, Darth White blows up cause it would be that easy to beat Tiffany White. I know that Darth Vader usually gets away at this point, but this isn't the movie, its a damn story, Patrick. Relax. Anway...
Jeff Solo: Polar, there is a tiny exhaust port in the death star that if you shit a laser blaster in the whole thing will explode.
Stevebacca: Really?
Jeff Solo: Yeah.
Stevebacca: That seems...too convieniant.
Jeff Solo: ...Yeah.
Polar Skywalker does it though, he shoots the exhaust port, rather easily, by using the force, because Obi Won Flynobi appeared to him and told him to use the force. So he did. AND IT WORKED! The Death Star blew up KABOOM as Eddie and Ethan the bro-troopers were still tied up and blew up with the death star. The only thing left to say is the Princess and Jeff Solo fell in love and they
Jeff Purse: Made the little guy who is now asleep in my arms, Patrick.
Jeff puts Patrick back in his crib.
Jeff Purse: Don't worry little guy. Me and Uncle Steve and Uncle Polar are going to win this tournament. Love you. Night.
He kisses the boys head as the camera fades to black.
Kari: Jeff, I don't care, you go.
Jeff Purse: But Kari, I went the last three times.
Kari: I handle him all day, its only fair you get him at night.
Jeff Purse: What? I take care of him during the day too.
Kari: Zzzz
Jeff Purse: You aren't sleeping and you know it.
Kari: Ssssllleeepppiinnnggg.
Jeff Purse: Damnit Kari. FINE.
Lifting in the cover Jeff swings his legs to the side of the bed in a sitting position and pulls out a small notebook out of he bedside table. He opens it to a page that reads 'Kari Owes Jeff' and makes a tick mark. She sits up and hugs him from behind, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
Kari: Love you.
Jeff Purse: You still owe me.
Kari: Whatever.
She rolls her eyes and lays back down in the bed. Jeff gets up, limping all the way to his son's room. His leg still got really sore when he was off of it for a while, though the healing process seemed to be over. The physical therapy alone was enough to make him not want to wrestle again, that is, the idea of thirteen came up. Did Jeff revel in the chance to absolutely destroy Torture, to do something many have wanted to do but not many could? Fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH! He had done a lot in WCF, the chance to beat the biggest legend? Hell yeah. So that is what got him real serious about his recovery. Then, almost seemingly out of the blue, Polar Phantasm and Steve Orbit approach him about Trios? Another thing Jeff just couldn't turn down. Basically what I am trying to say, Jeff is down for awesome shit. Both of those things are awesome.
He reached his son's room and sighed. Patrick was crying louder than usual. Jeff walked over and picked the almost five month old up out of his crib. Jeff patted the infants back, rocking him a bit, trying to calm the child, but to no avail. Jeff walked over to the rocking chair, sitting down, coddling the young Patrick Gauge Purse.
Jeff Purse: There, there little man. Relax. Shh. You want me to tell you a story? You want a story? Ok, how about I tell you the story of Jeff Solo, Polar Skywalker, and SteveBaca? The story of how they saved the Repub-er the WCF? Ok...well it all happened a long, long time ago...in a galaxy far away...
An orchestra hits, DUUUN DUUUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DUNDUNDUNDUNDUN DUNDUNDUN DUUUUUUN golden text crawls from the bottom of the screen to the top, behind it a field of stars.
It is a period of trios in WCF.
Sixteen teams of three men each
all going head to head in six man tags
in order to win the trios cup
one of many gimmicky parts of WCF.
During the battle, one
team sticks out about the rest
to defeat the team that is the
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STARS...or whatever Tiffany White
and those other two kids
have decided to call their team.
Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Leia races home aboard her
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her
people and restore
freedom to the galaxy....
(I didn't change this part
Sixteen teams of three men each
all going head to head in six man tags
in order to win the trios cup
one of many gimmicky parts of WCF.
During the battle, one
team sticks out about the rest
to defeat the team that is the
ultimate weapon, the DEATH
STARS...or whatever Tiffany White
and those other two kids
have decided to call their team.
Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Leia races home aboard her
starship, custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her
people and restore
freedom to the galaxy....
(I didn't change this part
Princess Kari is scene running through some halls, blasters going off behind her. There isn't much time for her to get done what she needs to get done. She drops off into a small room which has two other notable beings in it. A small, little maintenance droid, Pat2Rick2 (Jeffs son, dummies.) and C3PJeffy (polars son, dummies.). Out side the room, in the halls, walks the Stormtroopers, looking for Princess Kari. From behind them comes the dark, the terrible, the hard breathing Darth White.
Darth White: Cooo Keee. Cooo Keee. Where is the princess?
Stormtrooper Ethan King: I...I don't know.
Darth White: Wrong...coo kee...answer.
She puts her menacing hand up and force chokes the shit out of that stormtrooper. Holy shit. Princess Kari then opens and walks out into the hall. Darth White looks at her.
Darth White: Coo kee. Hello Princess.
Princess Kari: Hello. Can I get you anything...an inhaler perhaps?
The scene changes right after the princess gets captured. An old man buys some droids from some sand people. Polar skywalker was made to clean the droids. Lame. He cried about it like a little bitch. Seriously, why is the galaxy on the shoulders of a little whiney bitch? Thats the biggest problem I have with Star Wars. Its fucking rid-
Kari: JEFF!
Kari appeared in the doorway of Patricks bedroom.
Kari: I told you, please, don't swear in frong of Patty.
Jeff Purse: And I asked you, please don't call my son Patty. What are you doing?
Kari: I couldn't sleep, I heard you telling a story, thought I would come and listen.
Jeff Purse: oh, ok. I am just telling Patrick the story of Polar Skywalker, Stevebacca, and Jeff Solo.
Kari: Original.
Jeff Purse: Thanks. So anyway....where was I...Oh right. Polar Skywalker had just finished cleaning off C3PJeffy when...
While cleaning the droids, Polar Skywalker was met with a surprise when he hit a switch or something that held the secret that Princess Kari had left with Pat2Rick2. A hologram of the beautiful princess began to play right in front of him.
Princess Kari: Hello, to whomever it may concern. HELP!!! HELP!!! GOODNESS GRACIOUS HELP!!!!
The hologram cuts out right before Old Ben Flynobi came to visit.
Obi Won Flynobi: Polar Skywalker, just the nigga I came to see.
Polar Skywalker: Uh...I don't think you can say that.
Obi Won Flynobi: No, I can. I am half black now. I can say nigga just not nigg-
Polar Skywalk: OK! Ok, we get it. What...um...whats going on.
Obi Won Flynobi: Come on, we got to go to Mos Eisley Cantina.
Polar Skywalker: Why?
Obi Won Flynobi backhands Skywalker.
Obi Won Flynobi: Because bitch, I said so. Don't back talk me. Im your mother fucking elder, show some respect. Where the fuck are the hot fries?
Polar Skywalker: Sorry. Jeffy, hot fries for our guest.
Smash cut to the planet of tatooine, there is a stop where stormtroopers are looking for a bunch of droids. Which droids? Well, the exact droids that Polar Skywalker and Obi Won Flynobi had with them. When stopped at the checkpoint...Obi Won Flynobi waved his hand in front of the stormtroper, Eddie Felt. Obi Won Flynobi waved his hand in front of Eddie...
Obi Won Flynobi: These ain't the droids you're looking for, nigga.
Eddie Felt: Uhhh...they look like the ones I am looking for.
Obi Won Flynobi: But they aint.
Eddie Felt: I am pretty sure they are.
Obi Won Flynobi: FORCE!!!!! THEY AREN'T!!!!
Eddie Felt: What? They absolutley are!
Obi Won Flynobi: Um....HOT FRY DUST!!!
And with that, he blew hot fry dust into the stormtropers face, who, I forgot to tell you, had taken his helmut off to get a better look at the droids. Because thats the kind of person Eddie Felt is. He is the kind of person who would take off his fucking protective helmut to take a better look at things. God what an idiot. No wonder we are going to beat them...I mean...
Kari: What do you mean beat them? Jeff, you aren't joining that Trios team, are you?
Jeff had forgotten he was in the middle of telling a story that Kari was listening to. He also forgot that Kari didn't know about his participation in the Trio's tournament. He was left with a real conundrum.
Jeff Purse: ...Nooooooo?
Kari: GOD DAMNIT JEFF!
Jeff Purse: Hey, baby. Don't swear.
Kari: JEFF WHAT THE HELL YOU SAID THAT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO COMPETE AGAIN!!
Jeff Purse: BABY!
Kari: 'Oh Kari, I swear, just the match verse Torture and thats it I swear'. Bullshit. You suck.
Jeff Purse: Nice Kari.
Kari: Whatever Jeff. Do what you want. Don't care about your family.
Kari leaves the room. Jeff just shrugs and turns back to his son.
Jeff Purse: Talk about a cranky princess, amiright?
From the other room:
Kari: I HEARD THAT!
Jeff Purse: Shoot. Anyway, back to our story, the two droids, Polar Skywalker, and Obi Won Flynobi were met with some racisim at the Cantina door...
Cantina Bartender, Dag Riddick: WE DON'T SERVE THOSE KIND HERE!
Polar Skywalker: Hey! These are my friends.
Dag Bartender: I don't care, hillbilly hasbeen. Those kinds are-
Thats all that was spoken before someone blasted his head clean off. The music in the cantina stopped. Everyone looked over at the dashing, handsome, amazing, charismatic, super cool, super hip, hot and sexy Jeff Solo standing on a table, holding his blaster gun out at the Bartender. God did he look like a fucking action hero if you have ever seen one. Damn. Oh, and just so you know, son, in real Star Wars, Han shot first. Don't let anyone tell you different, like George Lucas remastering and replaceing shit, Han shot first. Just so we are clear on that. Anway, Polar and Obi Won Flynobi approached Jeff Solo and his hetrosexual lifemate and companion, Stevebacca about maybe flying them the fuck out of there. They walked out to a large pitch black flying Lincoln Navigator.
Polar Skywalker: This is a hunk of junk.
Jeff Solo: Look, dick, its not a hunk of junk. Its a fucking Pitch Black Millenium Falcon you dick. It did the kessel run in 12 parsecs you douche.
Polar Skywalker: First of all, thats rude. Second, parsec is a mesurement of distance, not time, and-
Stevebacca: GRRLLRRRLRRLR*cough* sorry. Had a frog in my throat. This ship is the best damn shit this side of the Mississippi playa.
Obi Won Flynobi: Stevebacca mah brother. Alright, take us to where we need to go, we ain't getting any younger.
YAY they all say and get in the Milennium Falcon. Meanwhile, on the deathstar, which is this big star base that is basically just one giant weapon that can blow up planets, Darth White receieves the news of what happened with the droids.
Darth White: Coo kee. Coo kee. What do you mean, 'they got away?'
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Uh...I mean...they got away?
Darth White: Unacceptable. Coo kee. Coo kee.
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Yeah but...chdklsjf
Darth White had put up her hand, and she was now choking that douche with the force. The force, Patrick, is this really bad ass thing that is never really explained in the orignial trilogy, but its understood that it is this power that certain people are born with, and Darth Vader aka Darth White is really powerful with the force. Later, it gets explained as bacteria called mitichlorians with is bullshit. Episodes 1-3, watch "What if Star Wars was good" on YouTube and take that as canon. Ok, anyway, where were we....oh right! Darth White was super cool force choking this bitch.
Darth White: Coo Kee. Coo Kee. Let this be a lesson to everyone. I WANT THOSE DROIDS! Get me the princess. Coo Kee. Coo Kee.
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: Yeah...ok.
See, he didn't die, but mostly because I am not using every character. Anyway, Eddie went and retrieved the Princess.
Princess Kari: Please, what do you want with me you asthmatic piece of-
Darth White: SILENCE! Coo Kee. Coo kee. Say good bye to your home planet, you stupid bitch.
The Death Start fires, striaght into Alderon. CAFUCKINGBOOM! Then some shit happens, and they all end up on the Death Star. Flynobi goes off to deactive the tractor beam, while Jeff and Polar and Stevebacca try to go off to save the Princess.
Jeff Solo: Alright Polar, what is the plan?
Polar Skywalker: What do you mean what is the plan?
Jeff Solo: Where is the princess. Do you know. Use your stupid forcey thing.
Polar Skywalker: Hey, the force is a thing. I mean...I think it is. I don't know...but I feel her.
Stevebacca: Yeah homie, I'm gonna be feeling her too, ya hurd!?
Jeff Solo and Stevebacca slap five. They move around the shit and spot two storm troopers...Eddie and Ethan.
Ethan Stormtrooper King: I AM BETTER!
Eddie Stormtrooper Felt: NO ME!
They are acting like real bro's. I hate bro's. So Jeff Solo and Polar Skywalker knocked those two posers out quickly and stole their costumes. They think that they know what it was like in this fucking fed five years ago when they were ten years old. Fuck those young pricks. I had no issue with them, but they want to come out and disrespect a fucking legacy? Come on. Steve Orbit is a two time mother fucking world champion boss. Polar Phantasm took this fed by storm that no other person had done before or since then. And me? Please. My list of accolades goes on way past whatever the fuck these two fratboys think they could accomplish in this fed. Show just a little respect you pieces of garbage.
You know what its like on our level? No, you don't. Let me tell you what its like though. When you are at my level, you get to choose what matches you fight. Jonny Fly. Seth Lerch. Torture. This bullshit. All because I want to. I don't have to do anything. Thats the level that I am at, Bro's. You can dream to one day have the amount of success that I have, but you are already falling behind me. My time in the company that you have had, I was a tag champion and the US champion, about to become TV champion and forming the best fucking stable this mother fucking company had ever seen. You think I am impressed because you won the US title, King? No. I am not. King vs Purse? That won't happen. Because I don't want to. Because I am better than you. End of disscussion, youngin'. Anyway, back to the fucking story. Jeff Solo and Polar Skywalker knocked the fuck out of those punks.
Polar Skywalker: Ok, now that we got these costumes...lets find her.
Jeff Solo: ok.
Stevebacca: I feel like there is some racist shit going on when I don't get a costume and have to pretend to be a prisoner.
Jeff Solo: Its not racist Stevie. You are like 8 feet tall and 4 feet wide. You wouldn't fit into this suit.
Stevebacca: It would have been nice to been offered though.
Jeff Solo: Get over it Stevie.
Stevebacca: Just sayin'.
Polar Skywalker: In here. I can feel her in here.
Stevebacca: I'll be feeling her in there.
Jeff Solo and Stevebacca slap five.
Polar Skywalker: You guys already made that joke.
Jeff Solo: So?
Polar Skywalker: In here!
They blast open the door and inside was the most beautiful princess they ever did see.
Jeff Solo: DIBS!
Stevebacca: Di-oh you asshole.
Jeff Solo: Thats right baby, I am Jeff Solo. The best in the world at what I do.
Princess Kari: Ok Jericho, what is this.
Polar Skywalker: We are here to bust you out...COME ON!
The calvery comes, let by Ethan and Eddie, those two douche bag bro stormtroopers. Our heros run away from the blasting, working their way back to the ship. They board, and defend, waiting for Flynobi. But then, Polar see's something he thought he would never see.
Darth White: Coo Kee. Old man, your time is up. Cause you gotta know when to hold them, coo kee, and know when to fold em, coo kee.
Obi Won Flynobi: Yeah, we get it, you have a dumb gambler gimmick. Big deal. Just kill me so that Polar over there can have the strength later to blow this shithole up.
Darth White turns on her lightsaber. And in the worst lightsaber battle of the whole series, Darth White strikes Obi Won Flynobi, who disinigrates like the wicked witch melting into the ground.
Polar Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
But the ship was already pulling out. It was time...almost...for the last battle. And just a sidenote, Tiffany White was a professional gambler before coming to the WCF? Thats a thing? Thats dumb. Before me I don't remember too many people who had a successful career outside of wrestling. That was my thing. Now everyone is miling off of my success. Bullshit. Get your own thing, Tiffany. And be happy I made you Darth Vader in this mother fucker, I didn't have to do that. You surely aren't the best of your team. Anyway, the Millennium falcon lands at the Rebel base and plans begin being made to attack the Death Star. Jeff Solo and Stevebacca pretty much say FUCK THIS and leave, taking some prizes, because it isn't their fight. Polar Skywalker boards a plane with Pat2Rick2 as his maintainec droid and they are off in a space fight with the death star. Darth White decided to join as well. It seemed like the rebels were about to leave...when out of the sky came....
Jeff Solo: YABBA FUCKING DABBA!
Stevebacca: What?
Jeff Solo: Yabba Dabba. It means cool, or awesome. People use it that way. You should. We all should.
Stevebacca: Wow.
Jeff Solo: Yeah. (turns on radio) Hey kid, we are back, what ship is that Darth bitch in?
Polar Skywalker: That one.
Jeff Solo shoots the shit, Darth White blows up cause it would be that easy to beat Tiffany White. I know that Darth Vader usually gets away at this point, but this isn't the movie, its a damn story, Patrick. Relax. Anway...
Jeff Solo: Polar, there is a tiny exhaust port in the death star that if you shit a laser blaster in the whole thing will explode.
Stevebacca: Really?
Jeff Solo: Yeah.
Stevebacca: That seems...too convieniant.
Jeff Solo: ...Yeah.
Polar Skywalker does it though, he shoots the exhaust port, rather easily, by using the force, because Obi Won Flynobi appeared to him and told him to use the force. So he did. AND IT WORKED! The Death Star blew up KABOOM as Eddie and Ethan the bro-troopers were still tied up and blew up with the death star. The only thing left to say is the Princess and Jeff Solo fell in love and they
Jeff Purse: Made the little guy who is now asleep in my arms, Patrick.
Jeff puts Patrick back in his crib.
Jeff Purse: Don't worry little guy. Me and Uncle Steve and Uncle Polar are going to win this tournament. Love you. Night.
He kisses the boys head as the camera fades to black.
