Post by Zombie DankMorris on Apr 14, 2016 17:40:33 GMT -5
RP 3
WCF Slam!
Hardcore Title Cluster Fuck
___________________________
Chapter I: Hate Mail
At this point in time, I was using Doug just the carry me around and run errands. We had lost the two government types and I knew that we had time to carry on. I don’t know where this adventure will take me but hey, better check my mail before I end up in some shit that’s going to take me a week or to get back from. Ol’ Z is expecting publishers clearing house to call any week; gotta be on point to get that notice. Frankly, I’m surprised the post office exists. Its like half of WCF, theres no need for the dreams that you be havin don’t matter anyway. The post office likes to think its useful, kinda like Scathe and Holmes. They exist but they don’t really do shit except exsist and THAT ain’t enough to carry you through to a HORROR KORE strap victory.
The post office was kinda lame duck at this kind of day. Had to hingle-jangle for my locker key to check and see whats new in the land of Z. Doung kinda hung back over my shoulder. Part of him cared because he has a life but he knew the meter was running and what was he going back to for real; the Big Bang Theory? Fuck outta here with that. I turn the Key and locker spills open with envelops.
Hate mail, hate mail, summons, blood test, bonus check.. Official letterhead from KFC? Damn, lets tear that shit open.
[ Dear Mr. McMorris,
In light of your recent success with your promotion Wrestling Champion Federation and the social media buzz that you bring to it, Kentucky Fried Chicken and its shareholders would like to extend to you an official sponsor card. We reach out to you in hopes that your partnership will increase sales and bring KFC into fresh start for the remainder of the year, as our recent ad campaigns have not met our expectations. Please accept the enclosed sponsor card as a token of our esteem, gratitude and good faith for a partnership with you.
This card is valid at all KFC locations within the United States.
- Muktesh Pant, CEO ]
** ZMAC takes the card and peels it off the letter. He holds it up to the light to ensure that its real. Doug cranes in to further inspect it and inquire about the card. **
Doug: What is that, a KFC card?
ZMAC: Yah son, I guess they gave it to me to spur along sales. Guess these two jobbers didn’t get nothing.
* ZMAC points to the two lockers on either side of his. One read ‘ Andre Holmes’ and the other reads “ Shadowlove.’ *
Doug: Who knows; aren’t they your opponents? Couldn’t KFC just have sent like a spam letter to them too in hopes that anyone would have gotten it?
ZMAC: Nah son, that ain’t how it works – look.
* ZMAC puts his key into Andres PO box and bumps the lock; using the jey to break the tumbler. The hatch opens to reveal nothing inside; just an empty space. *
ZMAC: See, mang. Andre Holmes entire career can be summed up by his fucking mail box. I know that he done came out of the gate swinging, trying to convince the world that he is going to be the next Hardcore Champion but who does he think he’s fooling with a PO box like this? Here look -
* ZMAC picks up letters from his PO box and starts to read them. *
ZMAC: Hate mail from Jeff Purse, Marina Valdiva, Benji Atreyu, Brent Alpine, Caliban.. list goes on and on. Like how you gonna be hardcore up in the DUB when you cant even offend nobody but yourself. You ain’t doin no one no sort of social injustice but yourself. Doug, the only person you can ever really lie to is yourself and Andre Holmes is lying to himself, straight in the mirror and he’s got a smile on his face to show it. Here it is, Thursday and this dude only have one promo to show for it.
Doug: Promo? Like one of those: “ I’m going to beat you up things?” I think in my English class, they called it a vignette.
ZMAC: Yah, son. Like that. Like I can just peep that shit on T.V or on the Dub website. Like its some magic shit that I ain’t suppose to know about. I been watchin this dudes career from the moment he popped up on the scene and this belt is not going to be his ticket to skyrocket land, not by any means. Theres not even a Jelly of the month club up in here. Theres no dollar shave club, no adds for Viagra, no spam mail from those chat robots. Ain’t nothing but Saddness and broken dreams and ol’ Z, he specializes in that shit. Holmes was all ready to start droppin’ bombs on the competition when he started on Scathe. And Scathe like Jay Omega gonna realize in a week that he done fucked up and drop out of WCF existence and that, like his name sake would have been the smartest move he ever done did. So as Andre was ready to start droppin a series, he saw ZMAC show up and kill it. Now the dude had to rethink his entire life.But that might be givin Holmes too much credit. I think he just saw that Scathes name was first on the match card so he started there.
L.O.L
That’s true, isn’t it, Doug. Do you think that Andre stared there because it was first on the card? Like look, its Thursday and I’m sure Andre had a whole ‘series’ planned out to try and ‘bury’ everyone but when you list a series on Tuesday and by Thursday you still ain’t got nothing and the DL for your made for TV shit is Sunday and you got like five other dudes to shoot on, well.. you are only shittin on yourself at that point. All Andre proved is that he ain’t the right man for the job. See you later, ya midcard bum. You and Hatcher can have fun battling it out to see whose career goes nowhere the fastest. But then again, both your careers were touched intimately but Zombie McMorris and really, that’s all that matters.
Doug: So what about Shadowlove; do you think he has some master plan?
ZMAC: HAHAHA! The only master plan he has is how to lay on his back for three seconds. And the only one that is better at laying on their back is Bonnie Blue but she normally has a dick in her uterus, so she’s cool with it. Fuck though, Shadowlove is probably cool with it too, considering the fact that ain’t no one givin a shit about him. Perhaps this was his k-k-k-ummin out party. This is where the world sees that Shadowlove is some sort of killer in that ring that’s been dormant until now. I Doubt it though consider that his boi Arliss done tried to ‘bury’ me with some made up bullshit about a KFC ad that welp, look at that- shit turned out to be true. I guess while the reigning Internet Champ is off making deals with fried food chains, Shadow love is at home, on his computer typing up his sad existence on some fantasy bullshit trip about how he’s better than ol’ Z because he cannot be old Z. That Arliss fool done tried to shoot on me and let me tell you, Doug, he don’t want anything ZMAC can throw at him because I have a Proud Father and I know exactly how to use him (Spoilers).
Doug: I don’t exactly know who that is.
ZMAC: You don’t know much, do you Doug? It’s like you’re the blank slate for the world to experience Zombie McMorris with a crutch. Like I need to walk you through this shit. Arliss Michaels ain’t nothing but a limp dick FGT who represents a straight up fuccboi as a client. Hell, I’m sure the suit that Arliss wears on the daily costs more than what Shadowlove makes in a year. Or is the UB back on that pissing contest were every fucking jobber as an iron clad multimillion dollar ‘no termination clause’ Like Seth Lerch just signs blank check.
Doug: Well he…
ZMAC: SHUT UP! DON’T ANSWER THAT. The fact of the matter is that Seth don’t do things like that or else he’d be out of business and since WCF has been in business for yearly 20 years, I reckon ol’ Lerch knows a thing or two about contract negotiates. With that said, Ahem, that Shadowlove ain’t making a piss worth a dime because he cant piss worth a dime. Like, I’d love to hear more about how super talented and edgy Shadowlove really is, like fah real but I cant. Because that just a lie. Shadowlove couldn’t be good even if he renamed himself “ Muy Bueno” And put a luncha mask on; then Teo would Murk him on principle. Now that, I’d like to see but Shadowlove in a hardcore match? Yawn, fuckin skip. Just like II said before, he’s here to eat the pin on the bottom of the “ ZMAC fucks Bonnie Blue till she squirts” pile.
* ZMACs shoot is interrupted by his phone.
~ Incoming call: Kaz Monstah~
ZMAC answers the call. *
Kaz ( on the phone): Yo Z, Man… I’m sorry I didn’t get your call earlier.
ZMAC: Nah man, its cool.
Kaz: Did you need something?
ZMAC: Yah, is my boi chillin there with you?
Kaz: Crow? Yah that dudes been squattin on my couch and eatin my coco puffs for like two months.
ZMAC: Kool. Just tell him I’ll be there in a bit.
Kaz: Do- Do you want to talk to him?
ZMAC: Nah, just tell him to be ready. Its not something that needs to be talked about over your phone. Shits prolly bugged like a mother by now.
~ Click~
ZMAC: Yo, that was Kaz.
Doug: Yah, I heard. I don’t know who that is, but I heard.
ZMAC: You will. He’s the dude whose address I gave you. He knows whats up. We gotta hurry though because those dudes will be back on our tail in a hot minute and my son is at his house.
Doug: Is he in trouble? How old is he?
ZMAC: How the fuck should I know how old he is Shee-it.
____________________
Chapter II: Hello, Kaz? It’s me, THE PLOT
We rolled up to Kaz’s house within a half hour from the post office. I think Doug is starting to like his new found place in life. Looking out from the back seat, I’m glad that Kaz found himself a modest place to settle down after the hectic life of wrestling was over. I’d envy this life, if’n I hadn’t lived modestly for hundreds of lifetimes before. To him, to Kaz, this was paradise. To me, that was prison disgused as the American Dream. Go to work, raise your family, pay your taxs and do jack shit with your life. If’n you think that’s the American Dream, then yah, you be dreamin’. The Prius pulls up to the curb as I get out with a rolling start. Doug chose to stay in the car with the meter running but ol’ Z about that. You keep the meter running but your punk ass is getting out of the car.
ZMAC: Doug, lets go. You’re in this too.
Doug: Cant I just stay in the car?
* ZMAC draws his , er, Odins gun. *
ZMAC: My bullet or theirs, Doug. Its my bullet of theirs.
* Doug puts his hands up. It’s a mixed gesture of surrender, frustration and cooperation. *
Doug: Alright, alright; I get it.
* Doug gets out of the car and joins ZMAC as they walk to the front door. ZMAC pounds his fist on it as he’s greeted by Kaz. Doug and ZMAC walk inside. It was a modest living room, sender lamp in the corner, white walls, house plant brown leather couch. It was a qiet place where the demons no longer plagued Kaz Monstah. Scarecrow was chillin’ on the couch when ZMAC and Doug arrived. *
Kaz: So whats up? Whats so important that you cant tell me over the phone?
ZMAC: Some dudes were lookin for Crow. They were asking questions about him and shit. Creepy government- Agent Smith, types. I’m not sure what they want but they know we’re related. Normally I don’t give a shit and you’ve been keepin a low profile but --
** Cut away to a van parked down the street from Kaz’s house. In the Van were the two agents, listening in on the entire conversation. *
ZMAC ( through the headphones of the agents ): -But I don’t know what Crow has been doing and with those guys asking me twice already, its only a matter of time before they go looking for you. I mean hell, they tore up the Sip and Go looking for clues but I relocated before they swooped in.
** Cut back to ZMAC in the house. Scarecrow sits up from the couch and approaches ZMAC. *
Scarecrow: I haven’t been doin’ anything but livin’ here. I haven’t wrestled, been on T.V, been at any signings, just the recent stuff for WCF but nothing since.
Doug: Could it be something to do with that? But I mean, Its Fayy.. er. Its staged. You guys are just.. you know.
* ZMAC pulls out his crack pipe and lights up, tryin to think back to previous events. *
ZMAC: We know, Doug. All these pretenders in the hardcore match think they live the life but dudes like me and Crow, we are the life. WCF has a select few that really make up the heart and soul of the company, what it means to live and breathe WCF, not just slap on a T-shirt and call yourself one of the boys. See, the hardcore division has four guys that imbody it. Greenfever, Oblivion, Philp Baines and myself. We’re all up here-
* ZMAC motions his hand to his head. *
ZMAC: And everyone else in this match, including KP and the former hardcore champion, Vengence.. those cats are down in Kazs basement and shit, gimping out in a hovel somewhere, quoting silence of the lambs, like that’s going to matter and shit. And as Baines so famously said, the lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. Just as I do not concern myself with their opinions of me, WCF or this hardcore title. What those great men did for the hardcore strap, I did for the strap. We are bonded as brothers in blood, gore and violence. We are the standard bearers for what WCF is truly about. Midcard jobbers like Vengence make the belt a midcard jobber belt. But Us, the Spirit of WCF, Greenie, Obi and Baines… We are the legends that make the belt what it really is. You think that if Vengence got it again or if Beaver did, that they would have a positive impact on the gold or the legacy of the title? Oblivion is a record eight time champ, Baines has the first recorded death of another wrestler in Greenie, You can swap that over to Switches who blew himself up and Myself whose fought and literally died for the belt with Cairo on a couple of occasions.
Seth wanted me to do the job to KP to give the belt a little go around with the roster and what happened; a fucking-nother circle jerk with Logan and KP and oh look, Sarah Twilight. Because that’s always a fucking thing. Let me ask you Doug- Kaz- Crow- Honestly- truly- do you think anyone in this match can even come close to doing what I can do with that belt? The answer is a simple, no. They all want to belt to say:
* ZMAC uses that nasally impression again *
“ Yah, I’m hardcore champion. I’m a somebody”
* His voice goes back to normal.*
ZMAC: Its like in those memes, nah son, you’re just a whore that found glasses. None of these fools knows what it means to live and die for WCF. The heart and the soul of WCF is not dependent on a couple of fuccbois who use the strap to further their career. You use your career to further the strap. Now that’s what I’m saying. But still they’ll rabble and try to make their case. It’s a case that begins and ends with:
“The guy before won the title by throwing the other guy into an active volcano and killed him.”
So let me ask them something. How do they plan on topping that? Two volcanoes? A World War 3 match with three volcanoes? Are we going to compete to see which of our promos is so long that it makes Freezer Burn rage quit cuz his ADHD is a bitch? Serious? I’ve ended more careers than anyone else in the fed, I had more double title reigns than anyone else in the fed and I’ve shed more blood in that ring than anyone else in this match but they are going to tell me that I ain’t the man for the job? Get the fuck outta here with that before me and my son throw you punk ass bitches into the fucking sun.
* ZMAC stops and thinks to himself a moment, coming across the answer. *
ZMAC: It’s because you’re my son. It’s because you’ve died and came back on national T.V.
Crow: So, you’ve done that before.
ZMAC: Right but I’m mister No Days Offs. I’m here every week so whoever’s after you probably thinks it’s a made for T.V. Gimmick. The realization of my power didn’t come with a time slot and millions of viewers. So now that their after you, that explains why their coming for me.
* ZMAC turns to Kaz. And cut to the agents in the van*
ZMAC ( through the agents headphones): Kaz, send your family away. They aren’t safe. If they tracked me down without a physical address then they know where Crow is and your family.
Kaz: Yo man, I’m retired. I don’t want any part of this.
ZMAC: You don’t have a choice. They’re probably on their way right now. I mean could take my boy and leave you here or you can tap into your old self and get shit done. We both know that deep in there you’re itching to crack some skulls. Now’s your chance because in all this, Cairo will be on the list.
Doug: Yo, not to be that guy… but we all won’t fit in the Prius and like, I got a family to get back to as well.
ZMAC: DOUG, SERIOUS! Did you not just hear a damn thing I just said.
Doug: I gotta feed my cat, Catsy and write my fan fiction…
* The room goes dead silent before Kaz, Crow and ZMAC all stomp out Doug. *
ZMAC: This ain’t fan fiction, son! This is real life! You gonna go get dripped dropped, now. Fan fiction, little bitch’ Doug. What do you think this is? You think you can just drop the fire like all these other cats? HMM? All these other cats that wana pop up on T.V. with a quip and a one liner like that’s gonna save them against me? Like ZMAC is gonna spare a Dustin Beaver mother fucker if he looks at me wrong, huh? You gonna develop your character into some meta where he’s beyond such things.
:: STOMP STOMP STOMP::
ZMAC: HUH! Only I’m beyond such things. Only ZMAC can show up on the cpmuter and kill everyone, every damn day of his life. I’ve been doing it for years. I invented that shit and then some putts named Chris Irvine stole that shit from me but Chris Irvine didn’t invent Internet Smacktalkin’. I did..
:: STOMP STOMP STOMP..::
* ZMAC continues to beat Doug. *
ZMAC: IWC, MY ass. Thisis IWZ, up in here. Internet Wrestling ZMAC, bitch! There ain’t nothing fan or fiction about what ol’ Z does. This shit is real life and in that real life, Zombie DankMorris is gonna walk into slam, powerbomb a bunch of dudes, pin Shadowlove to the mat, finger bang Bonnie Blue and walk out with a second golden strap around his THICK.
* All Doug could do was lay there like a slug; it was his only defense. *
ZMAC: You got it?
* Doug lets out a whimper. *
ZMAC: Good. Kaz, bring around the SUV of Doom, because this punk bitch who drives a Prius doesn’t have enough room.
* Kaz nods as he walks into the kitchen and dogs around the fruit bowl filled with oranges and bananas. His fingers stumble upon the keys to the SUV. He clutches them in his fist as he closes his eyes, bringing himself back in time to when life was good and the killin’ was better. *
DEUCES BITCH!
WCF Slam!
Hardcore Title Cluster Fuck
___________________________
Chapter I: Hate Mail
At this point in time, I was using Doug just the carry me around and run errands. We had lost the two government types and I knew that we had time to carry on. I don’t know where this adventure will take me but hey, better check my mail before I end up in some shit that’s going to take me a week or to get back from. Ol’ Z is expecting publishers clearing house to call any week; gotta be on point to get that notice. Frankly, I’m surprised the post office exists. Its like half of WCF, theres no need for the dreams that you be havin don’t matter anyway. The post office likes to think its useful, kinda like Scathe and Holmes. They exist but they don’t really do shit except exsist and THAT ain’t enough to carry you through to a HORROR KORE strap victory.
The post office was kinda lame duck at this kind of day. Had to hingle-jangle for my locker key to check and see whats new in the land of Z. Doung kinda hung back over my shoulder. Part of him cared because he has a life but he knew the meter was running and what was he going back to for real; the Big Bang Theory? Fuck outta here with that. I turn the Key and locker spills open with envelops.
Hate mail, hate mail, summons, blood test, bonus check.. Official letterhead from KFC? Damn, lets tear that shit open.
[ Dear Mr. McMorris,
In light of your recent success with your promotion Wrestling Champion Federation and the social media buzz that you bring to it, Kentucky Fried Chicken and its shareholders would like to extend to you an official sponsor card. We reach out to you in hopes that your partnership will increase sales and bring KFC into fresh start for the remainder of the year, as our recent ad campaigns have not met our expectations. Please accept the enclosed sponsor card as a token of our esteem, gratitude and good faith for a partnership with you.
This card is valid at all KFC locations within the United States.
- Muktesh Pant, CEO ]
** ZMAC takes the card and peels it off the letter. He holds it up to the light to ensure that its real. Doug cranes in to further inspect it and inquire about the card. **
Doug: What is that, a KFC card?
ZMAC: Yah son, I guess they gave it to me to spur along sales. Guess these two jobbers didn’t get nothing.
* ZMAC points to the two lockers on either side of his. One read ‘ Andre Holmes’ and the other reads “ Shadowlove.’ *
Doug: Who knows; aren’t they your opponents? Couldn’t KFC just have sent like a spam letter to them too in hopes that anyone would have gotten it?
ZMAC: Nah son, that ain’t how it works – look.
* ZMAC puts his key into Andres PO box and bumps the lock; using the jey to break the tumbler. The hatch opens to reveal nothing inside; just an empty space. *
ZMAC: See, mang. Andre Holmes entire career can be summed up by his fucking mail box. I know that he done came out of the gate swinging, trying to convince the world that he is going to be the next Hardcore Champion but who does he think he’s fooling with a PO box like this? Here look -
* ZMAC picks up letters from his PO box and starts to read them. *
ZMAC: Hate mail from Jeff Purse, Marina Valdiva, Benji Atreyu, Brent Alpine, Caliban.. list goes on and on. Like how you gonna be hardcore up in the DUB when you cant even offend nobody but yourself. You ain’t doin no one no sort of social injustice but yourself. Doug, the only person you can ever really lie to is yourself and Andre Holmes is lying to himself, straight in the mirror and he’s got a smile on his face to show it. Here it is, Thursday and this dude only have one promo to show for it.
Doug: Promo? Like one of those: “ I’m going to beat you up things?” I think in my English class, they called it a vignette.
ZMAC: Yah, son. Like that. Like I can just peep that shit on T.V or on the Dub website. Like its some magic shit that I ain’t suppose to know about. I been watchin this dudes career from the moment he popped up on the scene and this belt is not going to be his ticket to skyrocket land, not by any means. Theres not even a Jelly of the month club up in here. Theres no dollar shave club, no adds for Viagra, no spam mail from those chat robots. Ain’t nothing but Saddness and broken dreams and ol’ Z, he specializes in that shit. Holmes was all ready to start droppin’ bombs on the competition when he started on Scathe. And Scathe like Jay Omega gonna realize in a week that he done fucked up and drop out of WCF existence and that, like his name sake would have been the smartest move he ever done did. So as Andre was ready to start droppin a series, he saw ZMAC show up and kill it. Now the dude had to rethink his entire life.But that might be givin Holmes too much credit. I think he just saw that Scathes name was first on the match card so he started there.
L.O.L
That’s true, isn’t it, Doug. Do you think that Andre stared there because it was first on the card? Like look, its Thursday and I’m sure Andre had a whole ‘series’ planned out to try and ‘bury’ everyone but when you list a series on Tuesday and by Thursday you still ain’t got nothing and the DL for your made for TV shit is Sunday and you got like five other dudes to shoot on, well.. you are only shittin on yourself at that point. All Andre proved is that he ain’t the right man for the job. See you later, ya midcard bum. You and Hatcher can have fun battling it out to see whose career goes nowhere the fastest. But then again, both your careers were touched intimately but Zombie McMorris and really, that’s all that matters.
Doug: So what about Shadowlove; do you think he has some master plan?
ZMAC: HAHAHA! The only master plan he has is how to lay on his back for three seconds. And the only one that is better at laying on their back is Bonnie Blue but she normally has a dick in her uterus, so she’s cool with it. Fuck though, Shadowlove is probably cool with it too, considering the fact that ain’t no one givin a shit about him. Perhaps this was his k-k-k-ummin out party. This is where the world sees that Shadowlove is some sort of killer in that ring that’s been dormant until now. I Doubt it though consider that his boi Arliss done tried to ‘bury’ me with some made up bullshit about a KFC ad that welp, look at that- shit turned out to be true. I guess while the reigning Internet Champ is off making deals with fried food chains, Shadow love is at home, on his computer typing up his sad existence on some fantasy bullshit trip about how he’s better than ol’ Z because he cannot be old Z. That Arliss fool done tried to shoot on me and let me tell you, Doug, he don’t want anything ZMAC can throw at him because I have a Proud Father and I know exactly how to use him (Spoilers).
Doug: I don’t exactly know who that is.
ZMAC: You don’t know much, do you Doug? It’s like you’re the blank slate for the world to experience Zombie McMorris with a crutch. Like I need to walk you through this shit. Arliss Michaels ain’t nothing but a limp dick FGT who represents a straight up fuccboi as a client. Hell, I’m sure the suit that Arliss wears on the daily costs more than what Shadowlove makes in a year. Or is the UB back on that pissing contest were every fucking jobber as an iron clad multimillion dollar ‘no termination clause’ Like Seth Lerch just signs blank check.
Doug: Well he…
ZMAC: SHUT UP! DON’T ANSWER THAT. The fact of the matter is that Seth don’t do things like that or else he’d be out of business and since WCF has been in business for yearly 20 years, I reckon ol’ Lerch knows a thing or two about contract negotiates. With that said, Ahem, that Shadowlove ain’t making a piss worth a dime because he cant piss worth a dime. Like, I’d love to hear more about how super talented and edgy Shadowlove really is, like fah real but I cant. Because that just a lie. Shadowlove couldn’t be good even if he renamed himself “ Muy Bueno” And put a luncha mask on; then Teo would Murk him on principle. Now that, I’d like to see but Shadowlove in a hardcore match? Yawn, fuckin skip. Just like II said before, he’s here to eat the pin on the bottom of the “ ZMAC fucks Bonnie Blue till she squirts” pile.
* ZMACs shoot is interrupted by his phone.
~ Incoming call: Kaz Monstah~
ZMAC answers the call. *
Kaz ( on the phone): Yo Z, Man… I’m sorry I didn’t get your call earlier.
ZMAC: Nah man, its cool.
Kaz: Did you need something?
ZMAC: Yah, is my boi chillin there with you?
Kaz: Crow? Yah that dudes been squattin on my couch and eatin my coco puffs for like two months.
ZMAC: Kool. Just tell him I’ll be there in a bit.
Kaz: Do- Do you want to talk to him?
ZMAC: Nah, just tell him to be ready. Its not something that needs to be talked about over your phone. Shits prolly bugged like a mother by now.
~ Click~
ZMAC: Yo, that was Kaz.
Doug: Yah, I heard. I don’t know who that is, but I heard.
ZMAC: You will. He’s the dude whose address I gave you. He knows whats up. We gotta hurry though because those dudes will be back on our tail in a hot minute and my son is at his house.
Doug: Is he in trouble? How old is he?
ZMAC: How the fuck should I know how old he is Shee-it.
____________________
Chapter II: Hello, Kaz? It’s me, THE PLOT
We rolled up to Kaz’s house within a half hour from the post office. I think Doug is starting to like his new found place in life. Looking out from the back seat, I’m glad that Kaz found himself a modest place to settle down after the hectic life of wrestling was over. I’d envy this life, if’n I hadn’t lived modestly for hundreds of lifetimes before. To him, to Kaz, this was paradise. To me, that was prison disgused as the American Dream. Go to work, raise your family, pay your taxs and do jack shit with your life. If’n you think that’s the American Dream, then yah, you be dreamin’. The Prius pulls up to the curb as I get out with a rolling start. Doug chose to stay in the car with the meter running but ol’ Z about that. You keep the meter running but your punk ass is getting out of the car.
ZMAC: Doug, lets go. You’re in this too.
Doug: Cant I just stay in the car?
* ZMAC draws his , er, Odins gun. *
ZMAC: My bullet or theirs, Doug. Its my bullet of theirs.
* Doug puts his hands up. It’s a mixed gesture of surrender, frustration and cooperation. *
Doug: Alright, alright; I get it.
* Doug gets out of the car and joins ZMAC as they walk to the front door. ZMAC pounds his fist on it as he’s greeted by Kaz. Doug and ZMAC walk inside. It was a modest living room, sender lamp in the corner, white walls, house plant brown leather couch. It was a qiet place where the demons no longer plagued Kaz Monstah. Scarecrow was chillin’ on the couch when ZMAC and Doug arrived. *
Kaz: So whats up? Whats so important that you cant tell me over the phone?
ZMAC: Some dudes were lookin for Crow. They were asking questions about him and shit. Creepy government- Agent Smith, types. I’m not sure what they want but they know we’re related. Normally I don’t give a shit and you’ve been keepin a low profile but --
** Cut away to a van parked down the street from Kaz’s house. In the Van were the two agents, listening in on the entire conversation. *
ZMAC ( through the headphones of the agents ): -But I don’t know what Crow has been doing and with those guys asking me twice already, its only a matter of time before they go looking for you. I mean hell, they tore up the Sip and Go looking for clues but I relocated before they swooped in.
** Cut back to ZMAC in the house. Scarecrow sits up from the couch and approaches ZMAC. *
Scarecrow: I haven’t been doin’ anything but livin’ here. I haven’t wrestled, been on T.V, been at any signings, just the recent stuff for WCF but nothing since.
Doug: Could it be something to do with that? But I mean, Its Fayy.. er. Its staged. You guys are just.. you know.
* ZMAC pulls out his crack pipe and lights up, tryin to think back to previous events. *
ZMAC: We know, Doug. All these pretenders in the hardcore match think they live the life but dudes like me and Crow, we are the life. WCF has a select few that really make up the heart and soul of the company, what it means to live and breathe WCF, not just slap on a T-shirt and call yourself one of the boys. See, the hardcore division has four guys that imbody it. Greenfever, Oblivion, Philp Baines and myself. We’re all up here-
* ZMAC motions his hand to his head. *
ZMAC: And everyone else in this match, including KP and the former hardcore champion, Vengence.. those cats are down in Kazs basement and shit, gimping out in a hovel somewhere, quoting silence of the lambs, like that’s going to matter and shit. And as Baines so famously said, the lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. Just as I do not concern myself with their opinions of me, WCF or this hardcore title. What those great men did for the hardcore strap, I did for the strap. We are bonded as brothers in blood, gore and violence. We are the standard bearers for what WCF is truly about. Midcard jobbers like Vengence make the belt a midcard jobber belt. But Us, the Spirit of WCF, Greenie, Obi and Baines… We are the legends that make the belt what it really is. You think that if Vengence got it again or if Beaver did, that they would have a positive impact on the gold or the legacy of the title? Oblivion is a record eight time champ, Baines has the first recorded death of another wrestler in Greenie, You can swap that over to Switches who blew himself up and Myself whose fought and literally died for the belt with Cairo on a couple of occasions.
Seth wanted me to do the job to KP to give the belt a little go around with the roster and what happened; a fucking-nother circle jerk with Logan and KP and oh look, Sarah Twilight. Because that’s always a fucking thing. Let me ask you Doug- Kaz- Crow- Honestly- truly- do you think anyone in this match can even come close to doing what I can do with that belt? The answer is a simple, no. They all want to belt to say:
* ZMAC uses that nasally impression again *
“ Yah, I’m hardcore champion. I’m a somebody”
* His voice goes back to normal.*
ZMAC: Its like in those memes, nah son, you’re just a whore that found glasses. None of these fools knows what it means to live and die for WCF. The heart and the soul of WCF is not dependent on a couple of fuccbois who use the strap to further their career. You use your career to further the strap. Now that’s what I’m saying. But still they’ll rabble and try to make their case. It’s a case that begins and ends with:
“The guy before won the title by throwing the other guy into an active volcano and killed him.”
So let me ask them something. How do they plan on topping that? Two volcanoes? A World War 3 match with three volcanoes? Are we going to compete to see which of our promos is so long that it makes Freezer Burn rage quit cuz his ADHD is a bitch? Serious? I’ve ended more careers than anyone else in the fed, I had more double title reigns than anyone else in the fed and I’ve shed more blood in that ring than anyone else in this match but they are going to tell me that I ain’t the man for the job? Get the fuck outta here with that before me and my son throw you punk ass bitches into the fucking sun.
* ZMAC stops and thinks to himself a moment, coming across the answer. *
ZMAC: It’s because you’re my son. It’s because you’ve died and came back on national T.V.
Crow: So, you’ve done that before.
ZMAC: Right but I’m mister No Days Offs. I’m here every week so whoever’s after you probably thinks it’s a made for T.V. Gimmick. The realization of my power didn’t come with a time slot and millions of viewers. So now that their after you, that explains why their coming for me.
* ZMAC turns to Kaz. And cut to the agents in the van*
ZMAC ( through the agents headphones): Kaz, send your family away. They aren’t safe. If they tracked me down without a physical address then they know where Crow is and your family.
Kaz: Yo man, I’m retired. I don’t want any part of this.
ZMAC: You don’t have a choice. They’re probably on their way right now. I mean could take my boy and leave you here or you can tap into your old self and get shit done. We both know that deep in there you’re itching to crack some skulls. Now’s your chance because in all this, Cairo will be on the list.
Doug: Yo, not to be that guy… but we all won’t fit in the Prius and like, I got a family to get back to as well.
ZMAC: DOUG, SERIOUS! Did you not just hear a damn thing I just said.
Doug: I gotta feed my cat, Catsy and write my fan fiction…
* The room goes dead silent before Kaz, Crow and ZMAC all stomp out Doug. *
ZMAC: This ain’t fan fiction, son! This is real life! You gonna go get dripped dropped, now. Fan fiction, little bitch’ Doug. What do you think this is? You think you can just drop the fire like all these other cats? HMM? All these other cats that wana pop up on T.V. with a quip and a one liner like that’s gonna save them against me? Like ZMAC is gonna spare a Dustin Beaver mother fucker if he looks at me wrong, huh? You gonna develop your character into some meta where he’s beyond such things.
:: STOMP STOMP STOMP::
ZMAC: HUH! Only I’m beyond such things. Only ZMAC can show up on the cpmuter and kill everyone, every damn day of his life. I’ve been doing it for years. I invented that shit and then some putts named Chris Irvine stole that shit from me but Chris Irvine didn’t invent Internet Smacktalkin’. I did..
:: STOMP STOMP STOMP..::
* ZMAC continues to beat Doug. *
ZMAC: IWC, MY ass. Thisis IWZ, up in here. Internet Wrestling ZMAC, bitch! There ain’t nothing fan or fiction about what ol’ Z does. This shit is real life and in that real life, Zombie DankMorris is gonna walk into slam, powerbomb a bunch of dudes, pin Shadowlove to the mat, finger bang Bonnie Blue and walk out with a second golden strap around his THICK.
* All Doug could do was lay there like a slug; it was his only defense. *
ZMAC: You got it?
* Doug lets out a whimper. *
ZMAC: Good. Kaz, bring around the SUV of Doom, because this punk bitch who drives a Prius doesn’t have enough room.
* Kaz nods as he walks into the kitchen and dogs around the fruit bowl filled with oranges and bananas. His fingers stumble upon the keys to the SUV. He clutches them in his fist as he closes his eyes, bringing himself back in time to when life was good and the killin’ was better. *
DEUCES BITCH!
