Freezer Burn is Old
Apr 10, 2016 10:02:02 GMT -5
Tiffany White, Chief Tom-O-Hawk, and 1 more like this
Post by The Killenial (Caleb Ronan) on Apr 10, 2016 10:02:02 GMT -5
Caleb Ronan comes through the curtain after winning his match at Explosion. He’s met by Hank Brown, who is looking to get a post-match reaction from the young upstart.
Hank Brown: Caleb, another victory toni---
Caleb Ronan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Last week you offended me with your insulting and unprofessional conduct, and since WCF won’t #FireHankBrown, I went out and found my own personal interviewer. Seth Lerch, if you’re listening…
A man who looks like the bizarro version of Hank Brown comes into view. He’s wearing a suit and tie but is also wearing a beanie, scarf, and thick rimmed glasses.
Caleb Ronan: #HireFrankBrown
Hank Brown: FRANK Brown?!
Frank Brown: Caleb, you did a great job tonight.
Caleb Brown: Thank you, Frank.
Frank Brown: That Literally Amazing you gave to Chaos was literally literally amazing.
Caleb Brown: It literally was.
Frank Brown: After only two matches, you are the best wrestler in the world.
Hank Brown: What the hell is this?! He’s not asking you questions! All he’s doing is complementing you!
Frank Brown: Excuse me. I’m trying to conduct an interview here.
Hank Brown: You don’t even work here!
Frank Brown: I’M OFFENDED!
Hank Brown: How? How could you possibly be offended by that?! All I did was state a fact! YOU-DON’T-WORK-HERE! There is no possible way that you could be offended by that! Would it be offensive if I said “you’re not wearing red today?!” No! You know why?! BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING RED TODAY!!!
Caleb Ronan: You’re tone is very aggressive. I feel threatened right now.
Frank Brown: Me, too.
Caleb Ronan: I’m going to HR. I think my life might be in danger.
Hank Brown: WE DON’T HAVE A FUCKING HR DEPARTMENT! THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IS RUN BY SETH! HE’S THE MOTHERFUCKING HR DEPARTMENT!
Caleb Ronan: Now you’re using hostile language. Hate starts with the words we misuse. Hitler misused his words, and look what ended up happening.
Hank Brown is trying to hold in his anger at the irritating millennial that is making his life a living hell, but his face is beet red and he’s beginning to shake. He wants to call Caleb a very nasty name, but all that comes out is…
Hank Brown: I’M NOT HITLER!
He storms off.
Frank Brown: I think he literally needs some help.
Caleb Ronan: Literally. So let’s get back to me.
Frank Brown: Right. Caleb, how did you learn to become such a fantastic wrestler?
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
#HireFrankBrown
Frank Brown @frankbrown
Thank you, @calebronanwcf. I feel truly blessed to have you as a boss, mentor, and friend. You are my #BlessedFriend
Arnold @schwarzenegger
You two are being girly men. #GetARoom
Raven-Symoné @ravensymone
@schwarzenegger why do they have to be girly? Why do they have to be men? Why can’t they just be people? #GenderNeutrality
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
I agree @ravensymone. Why do we need all the labels? #GenderNeutrality
Dave Meltzer @davemeltzerwon
My sources have confirmed that Hank Brown is not Hitler.
Hank Brown @hankbrown
WHY IS THAT SOMETHING YOU HAD TO CONFIRM, @davemeltzerwon?!
Caleb Ronan is at the desk in his bedroom listening to music and using the Ticketmaster website. Randall knocks on the door.
Caleb Ronan: Hey, man.
Randall: Hey. What are you listening to?
Caleb Ronan: This really cool underground indie band called The Rural Alberta Advantage. They’re going to be in Brooklyn on the 21st. I want to go see them.
Randall listens for a second.
Randall: I like it.
Caleb suddenly puts a disinterested look on his face.
Caleb Ronan: Yeah, they’re not that good.
He turns the music off and exits the website.
Randall: What? You just said…
Randall stops himself, shakes his head, and changes the subject.
Randall: So, you’ve got the chance to fight a title. That’s great, man!
Caleb Ronan: I know. I can’t believe it took this long.
Randall: What are you talking about? You’ve only wrestled two matches and you’ve already been given this opportunity.
Caleb Ronan: Why wasn’t it given to me after my first match?
Randall: Because you had one match. Do you think I got promoted at my job after one day? You should be thankful that you got this chance after two matches.
Caleb Ronan: I just don’t think Seth Lerch recognizes my talent.
Randall pauses for a second. He’s visibly frustrated.
Randall: Caleb, I’m your best friend, which is why I’m going to say this: you need to get a grip and live in the real world.
Caleb looks hurt by Randall’s honesty.
Caleb Ronan: You think I don’t live in the real world, Randall? I’m literally struggling to get by in your “real world.”
Randall: You live in your parents’ house rent free! You have a job where you get to be on TV every week and travel across the country! How are you struggling?!
Caleb Ronan: You just don’t get me, Randall.
Randall: I don't "get" you? I've known you since third grade. If there's anyone that gets you, it's me. You ever notice that out of all the friends you've made over the years, I'm the only one that still talks to you. You went to college and transformed into some arrogant hipster doucebag who thought he was better and smarter than everybody else. You've been ostracized by everybody! I've stayed friends with you because I know that you're a good person whose chosen to be a dick, and I've been holding out hope for a while that you'll be the guy you used to be. Maybe I've held out too long. Maybe there is no hope for you. Maybe you need to lose your last real friend to see the kind of person you've become.
Caleb Ronan: Real friend? You aren't my real friend! Frank Brown is my real friend!
Randall: The guy that tells you how great you are instead of telling you the truth?! Yeah, great friend he is! But if that's the kind of friend you want, go for it! As for me, I'm not going to be your personal cheerleader!
Randall gets up and walks out of the room.
Caleb Ronan: Oh, yeah?! I’m going to going un-friend you on Facebook!
He logs on to Facebook and does just that.
Caleb Ronan: I showed HIM.
blogspot.ontheropes.com
On the Ropes
April 4, 2016
What do Slam and Freezer Burn Have in Common? They Both Turn 350!
I hope you watch Slam 350 this week, because I literally have the biggest match of my career. I have been granted the opportunity to fight for any non-world title of my choosing. All I have to do is beat Freezer Burn.
You remember him? He’s the guy that I’ve beaten twice already. Technically, I didn’t beat him because I technically never pinned him, but he’s been in the same matches as me and I won both times, so technically I did beat him. I guess that makes me a technical wrestler.
Seriously, why do I have to face Freezer Burn again? I’ve pretty much proven that I’m better than him. I’m a good person. I’m not the kind to embarrass somebody, but Seth Lerch is literally forcing my hand here. If I want a title shot, I have to embarrass Freezer Burn- AGAIN.
It’s bad enough that I have to EARN my title shot. I’ve already won two matches. It should just be given to me. The whole thing is ridic. Whatevs. I don’t like it, but I’ll have to just live with it.
Freeze, isn’t it kind of embarrassing that you’ve been wrestling around the world for like 15 years and you haven’t been able to pin someone who’s only been doing this for less than a month? Maybe that’s a sign that you should like, I don’t know, retire? I mean, you’re OLD.
There’s no one that respects the rights of elders more than I do, but no one cares more about their well being either. What if you fall and break your hip? How are you going to be able to lift me up for a move like Absolute Zero when your body is riddled with osteoporosis?
I’m so tired of the older generation thinking that because they’re old, they know better than my generation. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that messed up this planet with global warming. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that has sacked my generation with debt. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that has promoted the crooked values of corporatism. Freezer Burn’s generation allowed 9/11 to happen.
There’s only old person named Burn that I trust, and that’s Bern-ie Sanders. And Freeze, you are no Bernie Sanders.
Young people know better; that’s why we’re going to change the world and turn it into a safe haven for #GlobalCitizens.
It’s going to start this Sunday when I finally pin Freezer Burn and send him back to Shady Pines or whatever nursing home he belongs to.
It’s going to continue when I win the belt of my choice.
It’s going to conclude when my generation nominates and votes for the only old person in the United States that understands that the youth are the movers and shakers of America.
With Caleb Ronan as champion and Bernie Sanders as president, the utopia that everyone says can’t exist will finally become a reality.
Posted by Caleb Ronan at 10:37 PM
Caleb, Frank Brown, and Mrs. Ronan are at the dinner table. Mr. Ronan walks in from work and immediately spots Frank.
Mr. Ronan: Who the fuck is this?
Mrs. Ronan: This is Caleb’s friend, Frank Brown.
Caleb Ronan: Frank is my personal interviewer and personal affirmationist.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell is an affirmationist?
Caleb Ronan: He helps maintain my self-esteem.
Mr. Ronan: Oh, so he just compliments you all the time.
Caleb talks under his breath.
Caleb Ronan (under his breath): That’s more than you’ve ever done.
Mr. Ronan: What’s that?
Caleb Ronan: Nothing.
Mr. Ronan looks at Caleb and Frank with a sideways glance as he sits down to eat his dinner. Caleb takes out his smart phone and takes a picture of his dinner.
Mr. Ronan: Why are you taking a picture of your food?
Caleb Ronan: I'm posting it to Facebook.
Mr. Ronan: Why would anybody care about what you're eating for dinner?
Caleb Ronan: Everybody cares about what I'm eating, Dad. It's how I express myself.
Mr. Ronan: I'm going to express myself real quick if you don't put that phone away at my table right now.
Everybody goes back to eating.
Mr. Ronan: Where the hell has Randall been? I haven’t seen him over here lately.
Caleb Ronan: Randall and I are consciously disengaged.
Mr. Ronan slams his fork down.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell does “consciously disengaged” mean? Why can’t you speak English like the rest of us?!
Mrs. Ronan: I think it just means they are not speaking right now, sweetie.
Mr. Ronan: Well why can’t he just fucking say that? Why does he have to use these odd fucking terms to make himself sound smarter than the rest of us?! Jesus H. Christ!
Everyone goes back to eating dinner in silence. Suddenly, someone’s phone goes off. The ringtone is the State Anthem of the USSR.
Mr. Ronan: Whose phone is that?
No one answers.
Mrs. Ronan: Maybe it’s your phone, sweetie.
Mr. Ronan: How can it be my phone? I have a normal ringtone.
Caleb Ronan: It sounds like it’s coming from your pocket.
Mr. Ronan: It’s not my fucking phone! I’ll show you.
He pulls out his phone and sure enough, it’s his phone.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell? I didn’t put this ringtone on my phone.
He listens to the singer.
Mr. Ronan: What is that, Russian? How did this communist bullshit get on my phone? Caleb, I don’t know how to change this thing. You’re the tech whiz. You change it.
He tosses his phone to Caleb, who plays with it a second. The song stops. He hands it back to his dad.
Caleb Ronan: There you go. It’s changed.
Mr. Ronan puts the phone back in his pocket and everyone starts eating again. The phone goes off with the same song playing.
Mr. Ronan: God damn it! I thought you changed the ringtone, Caleb!
Caleb Ronan: I did!
Mr. Ronan: Fuck it. I’ll do it my god damned self.
Mr. Ronan fiddles with the phone trying to figure out how to change the ring tone.
Mr. Ronan: These god damned fucking things.
After about a minute, he figures it out and slams the phone on the table. He stares at it, as if doing so will keep the phone silent. When he’s satisfied, he goes back to eating his dinner.
Mrs. Ronan: So, Frank, where are you---
The song plays again.
Mr. Ronan: WHAT THE FUCK!!! Caleb, are you playing games with me?! Did you put this shit on my phone?!
Caleb Ronan: No, Dad!
Mr. Ronan: Is the work of one of your faggoty fucking friends in your little wrestling league?!
Caleb Ronan: Dad, I don’t know why your phone keeps playing that song!
Mr. Ronan: Good, then you figure out what the fuck is wrong with this god damned fucking thing!
He tosses the phone at Caleb and stomps his way upstairs. Caleb starts to cry.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know why he always has to yell at me.
Frank Brown: It’s okay, Caleb. You are a smart, gifted person, and you’ll be able to figure out how to fix your dad’s phone.
Caleb takes his phone out of his pocket and takes a selfie of his tearful face.
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
Hank Brown: Caleb, another victory toni---
Caleb Ronan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Last week you offended me with your insulting and unprofessional conduct, and since WCF won’t #FireHankBrown, I went out and found my own personal interviewer. Seth Lerch, if you’re listening…
A man who looks like the bizarro version of Hank Brown comes into view. He’s wearing a suit and tie but is also wearing a beanie, scarf, and thick rimmed glasses.
Caleb Ronan: #HireFrankBrown
Hank Brown: FRANK Brown?!
Frank Brown: Caleb, you did a great job tonight.
Caleb Brown: Thank you, Frank.
Frank Brown: That Literally Amazing you gave to Chaos was literally literally amazing.
Caleb Brown: It literally was.
Frank Brown: After only two matches, you are the best wrestler in the world.
Hank Brown: What the hell is this?! He’s not asking you questions! All he’s doing is complementing you!
Frank Brown: Excuse me. I’m trying to conduct an interview here.
Hank Brown: You don’t even work here!
Frank Brown: I’M OFFENDED!
Hank Brown: How? How could you possibly be offended by that?! All I did was state a fact! YOU-DON’T-WORK-HERE! There is no possible way that you could be offended by that! Would it be offensive if I said “you’re not wearing red today?!” No! You know why?! BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WEARING RED TODAY!!!
Caleb Ronan: You’re tone is very aggressive. I feel threatened right now.
Frank Brown: Me, too.
Caleb Ronan: I’m going to HR. I think my life might be in danger.
Hank Brown: WE DON’T HAVE A FUCKING HR DEPARTMENT! THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IS RUN BY SETH! HE’S THE MOTHERFUCKING HR DEPARTMENT!
Caleb Ronan: Now you’re using hostile language. Hate starts with the words we misuse. Hitler misused his words, and look what ended up happening.
Hank Brown is trying to hold in his anger at the irritating millennial that is making his life a living hell, but his face is beet red and he’s beginning to shake. He wants to call Caleb a very nasty name, but all that comes out is…
Hank Brown: I’M NOT HITLER!
He storms off.
Frank Brown: I think he literally needs some help.
Caleb Ronan: Literally. So let’s get back to me.
Frank Brown: Right. Caleb, how did you learn to become such a fantastic wrestler?
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
#HireFrankBrown
Frank Brown @frankbrown
Thank you, @calebronanwcf. I feel truly blessed to have you as a boss, mentor, and friend. You are my #BlessedFriend
Arnold @schwarzenegger
You two are being girly men. #GetARoom
Raven-Symoné @ravensymone
@schwarzenegger why do they have to be girly? Why do they have to be men? Why can’t they just be people? #GenderNeutrality
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
I agree @ravensymone. Why do we need all the labels? #GenderNeutrality
Dave Meltzer @davemeltzerwon
My sources have confirmed that Hank Brown is not Hitler.
Hank Brown @hankbrown
WHY IS THAT SOMETHING YOU HAD TO CONFIRM, @davemeltzerwon?!
Caleb Ronan is at the desk in his bedroom listening to music and using the Ticketmaster website. Randall knocks on the door.
Caleb Ronan: Hey, man.
Randall: Hey. What are you listening to?
Caleb Ronan: This really cool underground indie band called The Rural Alberta Advantage. They’re going to be in Brooklyn on the 21st. I want to go see them.
Randall listens for a second.
Randall: I like it.
Caleb suddenly puts a disinterested look on his face.
Caleb Ronan: Yeah, they’re not that good.
He turns the music off and exits the website.
Randall: What? You just said…
Randall stops himself, shakes his head, and changes the subject.
Randall: So, you’ve got the chance to fight a title. That’s great, man!
Caleb Ronan: I know. I can’t believe it took this long.
Randall: What are you talking about? You’ve only wrestled two matches and you’ve already been given this opportunity.
Caleb Ronan: Why wasn’t it given to me after my first match?
Randall: Because you had one match. Do you think I got promoted at my job after one day? You should be thankful that you got this chance after two matches.
Caleb Ronan: I just don’t think Seth Lerch recognizes my talent.
Randall pauses for a second. He’s visibly frustrated.
Randall: Caleb, I’m your best friend, which is why I’m going to say this: you need to get a grip and live in the real world.
Caleb looks hurt by Randall’s honesty.
Caleb Ronan: You think I don’t live in the real world, Randall? I’m literally struggling to get by in your “real world.”
Randall: You live in your parents’ house rent free! You have a job where you get to be on TV every week and travel across the country! How are you struggling?!
Caleb Ronan: You just don’t get me, Randall.
Randall: I don't "get" you? I've known you since third grade. If there's anyone that gets you, it's me. You ever notice that out of all the friends you've made over the years, I'm the only one that still talks to you. You went to college and transformed into some arrogant hipster doucebag who thought he was better and smarter than everybody else. You've been ostracized by everybody! I've stayed friends with you because I know that you're a good person whose chosen to be a dick, and I've been holding out hope for a while that you'll be the guy you used to be. Maybe I've held out too long. Maybe there is no hope for you. Maybe you need to lose your last real friend to see the kind of person you've become.
Caleb Ronan: Real friend? You aren't my real friend! Frank Brown is my real friend!
Randall: The guy that tells you how great you are instead of telling you the truth?! Yeah, great friend he is! But if that's the kind of friend you want, go for it! As for me, I'm not going to be your personal cheerleader!
Randall gets up and walks out of the room.
Caleb Ronan: Oh, yeah?! I’m going to going un-friend you on Facebook!
He logs on to Facebook and does just that.
Caleb Ronan: I showed HIM.
blogspot.ontheropes.com
On the Ropes
April 4, 2016
What do Slam and Freezer Burn Have in Common? They Both Turn 350!
I hope you watch Slam 350 this week, because I literally have the biggest match of my career. I have been granted the opportunity to fight for any non-world title of my choosing. All I have to do is beat Freezer Burn.
You remember him? He’s the guy that I’ve beaten twice already. Technically, I didn’t beat him because I technically never pinned him, but he’s been in the same matches as me and I won both times, so technically I did beat him. I guess that makes me a technical wrestler.
Seriously, why do I have to face Freezer Burn again? I’ve pretty much proven that I’m better than him. I’m a good person. I’m not the kind to embarrass somebody, but Seth Lerch is literally forcing my hand here. If I want a title shot, I have to embarrass Freezer Burn- AGAIN.
It’s bad enough that I have to EARN my title shot. I’ve already won two matches. It should just be given to me. The whole thing is ridic. Whatevs. I don’t like it, but I’ll have to just live with it.
Freeze, isn’t it kind of embarrassing that you’ve been wrestling around the world for like 15 years and you haven’t been able to pin someone who’s only been doing this for less than a month? Maybe that’s a sign that you should like, I don’t know, retire? I mean, you’re OLD.
There’s no one that respects the rights of elders more than I do, but no one cares more about their well being either. What if you fall and break your hip? How are you going to be able to lift me up for a move like Absolute Zero when your body is riddled with osteoporosis?
I’m so tired of the older generation thinking that because they’re old, they know better than my generation. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that messed up this planet with global warming. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that has sacked my generation with debt. Freezer Burn’s generation is the one that has promoted the crooked values of corporatism. Freezer Burn’s generation allowed 9/11 to happen.
There’s only old person named Burn that I trust, and that’s Bern-ie Sanders. And Freeze, you are no Bernie Sanders.
Young people know better; that’s why we’re going to change the world and turn it into a safe haven for #GlobalCitizens.
It’s going to start this Sunday when I finally pin Freezer Burn and send him back to Shady Pines or whatever nursing home he belongs to.
It’s going to continue when I win the belt of my choice.
It’s going to conclude when my generation nominates and votes for the only old person in the United States that understands that the youth are the movers and shakers of America.
With Caleb Ronan as champion and Bernie Sanders as president, the utopia that everyone says can’t exist will finally become a reality.
Posted by Caleb Ronan at 10:37 PM
Caleb, Frank Brown, and Mrs. Ronan are at the dinner table. Mr. Ronan walks in from work and immediately spots Frank.
Mr. Ronan: Who the fuck is this?
Mrs. Ronan: This is Caleb’s friend, Frank Brown.
Caleb Ronan: Frank is my personal interviewer and personal affirmationist.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell is an affirmationist?
Caleb Ronan: He helps maintain my self-esteem.
Mr. Ronan: Oh, so he just compliments you all the time.
Caleb talks under his breath.
Caleb Ronan (under his breath): That’s more than you’ve ever done.
Mr. Ronan: What’s that?
Caleb Ronan: Nothing.
Mr. Ronan looks at Caleb and Frank with a sideways glance as he sits down to eat his dinner. Caleb takes out his smart phone and takes a picture of his dinner.
Mr. Ronan: Why are you taking a picture of your food?
Caleb Ronan: I'm posting it to Facebook.
Mr. Ronan: Why would anybody care about what you're eating for dinner?
Caleb Ronan: Everybody cares about what I'm eating, Dad. It's how I express myself.
Mr. Ronan: I'm going to express myself real quick if you don't put that phone away at my table right now.
Everybody goes back to eating.
Mr. Ronan: Where the hell has Randall been? I haven’t seen him over here lately.
Caleb Ronan: Randall and I are consciously disengaged.
Mr. Ronan slams his fork down.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell does “consciously disengaged” mean? Why can’t you speak English like the rest of us?!
Mrs. Ronan: I think it just means they are not speaking right now, sweetie.
Mr. Ronan: Well why can’t he just fucking say that? Why does he have to use these odd fucking terms to make himself sound smarter than the rest of us?! Jesus H. Christ!
Everyone goes back to eating dinner in silence. Suddenly, someone’s phone goes off. The ringtone is the State Anthem of the USSR.
Mr. Ronan: Whose phone is that?
No one answers.
Mrs. Ronan: Maybe it’s your phone, sweetie.
Mr. Ronan: How can it be my phone? I have a normal ringtone.
Caleb Ronan: It sounds like it’s coming from your pocket.
Mr. Ronan: It’s not my fucking phone! I’ll show you.
He pulls out his phone and sure enough, it’s his phone.
Mr. Ronan: What the hell? I didn’t put this ringtone on my phone.
He listens to the singer.
Mr. Ronan: What is that, Russian? How did this communist bullshit get on my phone? Caleb, I don’t know how to change this thing. You’re the tech whiz. You change it.
He tosses his phone to Caleb, who plays with it a second. The song stops. He hands it back to his dad.
Caleb Ronan: There you go. It’s changed.
Mr. Ronan puts the phone back in his pocket and everyone starts eating again. The phone goes off with the same song playing.
Mr. Ronan: God damn it! I thought you changed the ringtone, Caleb!
Caleb Ronan: I did!
Mr. Ronan: Fuck it. I’ll do it my god damned self.
Mr. Ronan fiddles with the phone trying to figure out how to change the ring tone.
Mr. Ronan: These god damned fucking things.
After about a minute, he figures it out and slams the phone on the table. He stares at it, as if doing so will keep the phone silent. When he’s satisfied, he goes back to eating his dinner.
Mrs. Ronan: So, Frank, where are you---
The song plays again.
Mr. Ronan: WHAT THE FUCK!!! Caleb, are you playing games with me?! Did you put this shit on my phone?!
Caleb Ronan: No, Dad!
Mr. Ronan: Is the work of one of your faggoty fucking friends in your little wrestling league?!
Caleb Ronan: Dad, I don’t know why your phone keeps playing that song!
Mr. Ronan: Good, then you figure out what the fuck is wrong with this god damned fucking thing!
He tosses the phone at Caleb and stomps his way upstairs. Caleb starts to cry.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know why he always has to yell at me.
Frank Brown: It’s okay, Caleb. You are a smart, gifted person, and you’ll be able to figure out how to fix your dad’s phone.
Caleb takes his phone out of his pocket and takes a selfie of his tearful face.
Caleb Ronan @calebronanwcf
