Down the Rabbit Hole! Internet Land Part 1 of 2
Mar 27, 2016 11:32:41 GMT -5
Lilith and CJ Phoenix like this
Post by Teo Blaze on Mar 27, 2016 11:32:41 GMT -5
(The following narration is done in voiceover)
Alright, so how in the world do we approach this..? It happened on a typical day on a typical morning in typical fashion for El Gimnasio del Sol. Punching bags are wrent asunder by stinging kicks, and heavy iron weights are hefted high overhead in ways that should by all standards be considered rather impractical, yet manage to work out some obscure muscle group. It’s always the deltoids, isn’t it? Noone’s ever seen a deltoid and yet so much is spent on machines to-
Oh right, the story. I’m sorry, it’s just so much work goes into perfecting one’s body and mind, in harnessing the true potential of one’s body. We can’t all be Coked-Up Undead Badgers reanimated by unclear magical forces you know. What’s that? Passive aggressive? Well you would be too, friend, if you had been through what I have just been through. Why you’d practically swear off computers for the rest of your natural life- a practice which come to think of it might do a world of good for a lot of people- if you had seen what I’ve seen.
So, anyway, it all started on this typical morning in el Gimnasio del Sol, I had just woken up for my usual breakfast.
At this point a brief cutaway is shown of Teo del Sol juggling eggs in a fancy kitchen. As they whir through the air, he offers a grin to the camera, showing off a little-
POP!
Goes the toaster as the toast comes up, causing Teo to jump momentarily, the eggs go flying off the screen, and the sound of Hector cursing in Spanish can be heard as Teo turns with a sheepish look back to the camera.
Voiceover: Then I began the day with a bit of training, as is absolutely necessary in professional wrestling.
The scene now cuts to Teo del Sol hanging from a tree branch by his legs, doing hanging situps and smiling happily with each iteration. As he reaches to the top and mouths “100” he hangs upside down for a well-deserved rest. When suddenly a bunch of sticks come into view which begin bludgeoning him as he hangs.
Local Kids: Pinata! Pinata!
Teo: Hey! Oooh! Watch the face!
Local Kids: Hey! You’re not full of candy!
Voiceover: You know they do that every week. I’m beginning to think they just like to get away with hitting people. But then I suppose that it does get me ready for facing a former hardcore champion. I mean, if I can take a beating from a little kid, then I know I’ll be ready for McMorris. Well, okay, that’s not fair, I mean the kids hit me way harder.
Speaking of our internet champion, he is the one around which our story revolves. You see, knowing full well that I was going to be going one-on-one with someone who had singlehandedly propped up the internet division for so long, that I was up for a genuine challenge. I mean, I had beaten McMorris once before, and quite honestly he had barely put up a fight, but I knew for a fact that he hadn’t given me his full attention. Bigger fish to fry I suppose, and I can hardly hold that against him.
But not this time. This time, he was coming back from a loss- and that meant that he was going to come harder than he had ever come before.
Ew… Let me rephrase that.
That meant that he would be bringing everything he had to even the score against us- this wasn’t just a match on Slam to him anymore, this was a pay-per-view.
What’s that? Teo del Sol made a dirty joke? I know, I know, it’s not really something you’ve come to expect of me, but you see, that is indeed the mindframe I am in after this week’s special training. You see, in order to beat a McMorris, I would have to think like a McMorris, but given that hitting myself repeatedly in the head with a hammer seemed like an unpleasant route to go down, I decided to go ahead with the next best option.
At this point the narration fades, and the camera opens on the back room of el Gimnasio del Sol, where Teo can finally be seen. But rather than any physical or high-impact training, he sits, head buried into the screen of a large laptop.
Teo del Sol: Come on McMorris, what is your secret let's see… Lol…Because you’re a…boy, he sure does like using that word.
Every few moments, Teo clicks the mouse, opening a new tweet, scrolling through a new list of internet sprouted vitriol, another list of McMorris brand insults, roasts, and the occasional cat video.
That was likely from Katherine Phoenix though- Teo still hadn’t completely worked out how Twitter worked, and there was no doubt that Kat would be reminding him that she had taken away the hardcore belt.
Teo snickered to himself under his breath. Torture had dedicated himself so long to not defending the belt, then Zombie had taken it and immediately turned it into cyborgs, ghosts, and volcanoes. Now the hardcore champion was the one who tried to pay the entire roster with cookies. It’s a shame no one was treating that belt with the respect it deserves, but then again the belt was only truly as prestigious as its champion.
…and judging by the twitter posts that Zombie had been shoveling onto people, the Internet Championship was looking less and less prestigious by the second. Dozens, no hundreds of posts for every title match- and while Teo could definitely find plenty to put down on the individual content, it had been done to death by challenger after challenger.
And that was the thing, wasn’t it? Zombie McMorris was battle-hardened. He had turned away countless challengers and hopefuls, and he had done it all through a supreme, unshakable confidence. He was literally rubber and they were glue- anything that they could say, calling him a recycler of garbage posts, an unoriginal, talentless hack who put in the bare minimum of effort in any aspect of his life, or even simply a drug-addled lunatic who had less place in a wrestling ring than a chicken with its head cut off. All arguably valid points, and yet it would do no good to try to hurl them in his face.
He fed off it. He thrived on it.
Teo had been clicking and clicking, looking for some weakness, for some hole in Zombie’s mind to exploit, but the further down the rabbit hole he went, the more and more it seemed like there would be no escape from wonderland.
Hours, maybe days had been put into this project, he had read more tweets than he thought could possibly exist, and yet no clear pattern was emerging. He could bang his head repeatedly on the keyboard and come up with a more coherent thought-process. And yet despite each and every bit of nonsense that was hurled down on the opposition, Zombie had won again, and again.
Teo’s head was spinning, and the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to him. But he kept clicking, determined to find something, some answer, some trick to exploit in Zombie’s headcase. He looked at images of Shia clapping, of Donald Trump, of some kind of strange frog, and yet he found himself slipping further and further into a very specific kind of madness. Finally, in frustration, he slammed his head down-
Onto the keyboard, he thought?
That’s what happens when you slam your head into a desk with a keyboard on it.
But there was no impact. Teo instead felt himself slip right through the table, through the desk, as though there was nothing there. He felt himself falling, and looked around in a quick panic.
He was indeed going down the rabbit hole- he was plummeting down into an unending abyss, and all around him long-forgotten memes and gifs looped endlessly. He peered upon Billy Mays, on the Tron Guy, on the Numa Numa guy, as he fell further and further…
Then finally slowed to a halt on a soft surface, decorated to resemble a circuit board. He slowly shook out the dust and looked around slowly, almost completely sure he had had some kind of psychotic break with reality.
When he heard a voice.
: Welcome to Internet land!
Teo slowly peered his head up, and saw what could only be described as the most bizarre thing he had seen in the last ten seconds. Dressed in a full red petticoat and twirling a golden pocketwatch on the end of a chain was a small woodland creature.
Teo didn’t respond, and let’s be honest, you probably wouldn’t either. He instead simply looked at the creature.
: You gonna say something there, Mac?
Teo tried to mouth words, but as he was still not entirely sure that he was not insane, he simply shook his head.
: Right, well welcome to the information superhighway! I will be your guide through this magical journey through internetland! Or I would, but you see I’m quite late for my meeting with the queen of hearts.
Teo: You’re late for an important date?
: Hey man! Watch dat copyright infringement, you wanna get us sued? But yes, you’re on the money pal.
Teo: So you’re the white rab-
: What did I just say?? No, I’m not him. I’m a completely original character that in no way reflects the intellectual property of the Disney corporation.
At this point Teo realized that a robot with mouse ears had been hovering near them this entire time. He resolved to be a bit more observant, at least until he had regained connection with reality.
: No friend, I…I am the honey badger.
Teo: You’re kidding.
Honey Badger: Come on, what did you expect, the Easter Bunny? Look, you want the secret to beating McMorris, right? Well you have come to the right place. See, he’s something of a legend around here, he’s been bringing us back from the stench and decay that was there before into a new era.
Teo: McMorris? We are talking about the same guy, right?
Honey Badger: Okay, so it’s more like a slightly less stench and decay-ey era, but hey, I’ll take anything over obscurity. That’s the thing about the internet, it needs an audience.
Teo: Uh..okay, so how do I find out how to beat McMorris?
Honey Badger: Simply put, you’re gonna have to work your way through internetland. You wanna have a chance with this guy, you’re gonna have to piece it together by talkin’ to the various members of Wonderl-
At this point the robot begins letting out a large alarm and flashing an extremely bright red siren.
Honey Badger: Son of a…Look, you’re on your own for now, buddy, but trust me, you’ll find what you’re looking for if you just follow the yellow brick road!
At this point a second robot appears, this time with an MGM logo stamped on it. The badger quickly jumps down into a hole in the ground, burrowing its way to safety as Teo looks on in stunned silence.
Voiceover: So this is what it was going to take to figure out how to beat McMorris, eh? Teo would have to work his way through the very bowels of the internet, and try to come out on the other side with his sanity intact. You know, such a journey hardly seems necessary when you really think about it. Zombie McMorris was a hell of a competitor in his day, and he puts more effort into flooding the internet with tweets than Jayson Price does into maintaining a 50% blood to alcohol ratio, and yet there was a distinct air of weakness about Zombie.
Zombie just was not someone who seemed to put any genuine effort into anything. He’s made a career out of doing as little as possible, of putting in only enough effort to make it to the ring every week and then seeing what happens.
I may be walking through wonderland as we speak, but hear me out when I say that McMorris? That dude’s a cartoon character. He is the answer for anyone who tries to say that we shouldn’t shut off the computers once in a while. He is the longest reigning internet champion, and yet he has yet to defeat anyone for the belt that presented a credible threat.
Dag Riddik? I mean he’s International Champion, sure, but he went after Zombie in his third week or so with the company? I mean I’ve heard of cherry picking when it comes to titles, but never cherry-popping! I didn’t think that was a champion’s job, to break in the new talent, but I guess Zombie is revolutionizing the internet division in more ways than one.
I could say the same argument for the Pride, but frankly I don’t like repeating myself. What’s more, he followed up those tremendous wins with a victory over Sarah Twilight. While it’s true that she was a former world champion, from what I saw she had almost no interest in actually winning the internet belt, so I hesitate to count that as something worth bragging about.
So yeah, I found myself walking down the information superhighway to find a way to come out victorious at Explosion against the longest reigning champion in the WCF, and maybe, just maybe, uncover the secret of Zombie McMorris’s power.
…It’s drugs, isn’t it? I’m betting it’s drugs.
Alright, so how in the world do we approach this..? It happened on a typical day on a typical morning in typical fashion for El Gimnasio del Sol. Punching bags are wrent asunder by stinging kicks, and heavy iron weights are hefted high overhead in ways that should by all standards be considered rather impractical, yet manage to work out some obscure muscle group. It’s always the deltoids, isn’t it? Noone’s ever seen a deltoid and yet so much is spent on machines to-
Oh right, the story. I’m sorry, it’s just so much work goes into perfecting one’s body and mind, in harnessing the true potential of one’s body. We can’t all be Coked-Up Undead Badgers reanimated by unclear magical forces you know. What’s that? Passive aggressive? Well you would be too, friend, if you had been through what I have just been through. Why you’d practically swear off computers for the rest of your natural life- a practice which come to think of it might do a world of good for a lot of people- if you had seen what I’ve seen.
So, anyway, it all started on this typical morning in el Gimnasio del Sol, I had just woken up for my usual breakfast.
At this point a brief cutaway is shown of Teo del Sol juggling eggs in a fancy kitchen. As they whir through the air, he offers a grin to the camera, showing off a little-
POP!
Goes the toaster as the toast comes up, causing Teo to jump momentarily, the eggs go flying off the screen, and the sound of Hector cursing in Spanish can be heard as Teo turns with a sheepish look back to the camera.
Voiceover: Then I began the day with a bit of training, as is absolutely necessary in professional wrestling.
The scene now cuts to Teo del Sol hanging from a tree branch by his legs, doing hanging situps and smiling happily with each iteration. As he reaches to the top and mouths “100” he hangs upside down for a well-deserved rest. When suddenly a bunch of sticks come into view which begin bludgeoning him as he hangs.
Local Kids: Pinata! Pinata!
Teo: Hey! Oooh! Watch the face!
Local Kids: Hey! You’re not full of candy!
Voiceover: You know they do that every week. I’m beginning to think they just like to get away with hitting people. But then I suppose that it does get me ready for facing a former hardcore champion. I mean, if I can take a beating from a little kid, then I know I’ll be ready for McMorris. Well, okay, that’s not fair, I mean the kids hit me way harder.
Speaking of our internet champion, he is the one around which our story revolves. You see, knowing full well that I was going to be going one-on-one with someone who had singlehandedly propped up the internet division for so long, that I was up for a genuine challenge. I mean, I had beaten McMorris once before, and quite honestly he had barely put up a fight, but I knew for a fact that he hadn’t given me his full attention. Bigger fish to fry I suppose, and I can hardly hold that against him.
But not this time. This time, he was coming back from a loss- and that meant that he was going to come harder than he had ever come before.
Ew… Let me rephrase that.
That meant that he would be bringing everything he had to even the score against us- this wasn’t just a match on Slam to him anymore, this was a pay-per-view.
What’s that? Teo del Sol made a dirty joke? I know, I know, it’s not really something you’ve come to expect of me, but you see, that is indeed the mindframe I am in after this week’s special training. You see, in order to beat a McMorris, I would have to think like a McMorris, but given that hitting myself repeatedly in the head with a hammer seemed like an unpleasant route to go down, I decided to go ahead with the next best option.
At this point the narration fades, and the camera opens on the back room of el Gimnasio del Sol, where Teo can finally be seen. But rather than any physical or high-impact training, he sits, head buried into the screen of a large laptop.
Teo del Sol: Come on McMorris, what is your secret let's see… Lol…Because you’re a…boy, he sure does like using that word.
Every few moments, Teo clicks the mouse, opening a new tweet, scrolling through a new list of internet sprouted vitriol, another list of McMorris brand insults, roasts, and the occasional cat video.
That was likely from Katherine Phoenix though- Teo still hadn’t completely worked out how Twitter worked, and there was no doubt that Kat would be reminding him that she had taken away the hardcore belt.
Teo snickered to himself under his breath. Torture had dedicated himself so long to not defending the belt, then Zombie had taken it and immediately turned it into cyborgs, ghosts, and volcanoes. Now the hardcore champion was the one who tried to pay the entire roster with cookies. It’s a shame no one was treating that belt with the respect it deserves, but then again the belt was only truly as prestigious as its champion.
…and judging by the twitter posts that Zombie had been shoveling onto people, the Internet Championship was looking less and less prestigious by the second. Dozens, no hundreds of posts for every title match- and while Teo could definitely find plenty to put down on the individual content, it had been done to death by challenger after challenger.
And that was the thing, wasn’t it? Zombie McMorris was battle-hardened. He had turned away countless challengers and hopefuls, and he had done it all through a supreme, unshakable confidence. He was literally rubber and they were glue- anything that they could say, calling him a recycler of garbage posts, an unoriginal, talentless hack who put in the bare minimum of effort in any aspect of his life, or even simply a drug-addled lunatic who had less place in a wrestling ring than a chicken with its head cut off. All arguably valid points, and yet it would do no good to try to hurl them in his face.
He fed off it. He thrived on it.
Teo had been clicking and clicking, looking for some weakness, for some hole in Zombie’s mind to exploit, but the further down the rabbit hole he went, the more and more it seemed like there would be no escape from wonderland.
Hours, maybe days had been put into this project, he had read more tweets than he thought could possibly exist, and yet no clear pattern was emerging. He could bang his head repeatedly on the keyboard and come up with a more coherent thought-process. And yet despite each and every bit of nonsense that was hurled down on the opposition, Zombie had won again, and again.
Teo’s head was spinning, and the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to him. But he kept clicking, determined to find something, some answer, some trick to exploit in Zombie’s headcase. He looked at images of Shia clapping, of Donald Trump, of some kind of strange frog, and yet he found himself slipping further and further into a very specific kind of madness. Finally, in frustration, he slammed his head down-
Onto the keyboard, he thought?
That’s what happens when you slam your head into a desk with a keyboard on it.
But there was no impact. Teo instead felt himself slip right through the table, through the desk, as though there was nothing there. He felt himself falling, and looked around in a quick panic.
He was indeed going down the rabbit hole- he was plummeting down into an unending abyss, and all around him long-forgotten memes and gifs looped endlessly. He peered upon Billy Mays, on the Tron Guy, on the Numa Numa guy, as he fell further and further…
Then finally slowed to a halt on a soft surface, decorated to resemble a circuit board. He slowly shook out the dust and looked around slowly, almost completely sure he had had some kind of psychotic break with reality.
When he heard a voice.
: Welcome to Internet land!Teo slowly peered his head up, and saw what could only be described as the most bizarre thing he had seen in the last ten seconds. Dressed in a full red petticoat and twirling a golden pocketwatch on the end of a chain was a small woodland creature.
Teo didn’t respond, and let’s be honest, you probably wouldn’t either. He instead simply looked at the creature.
: You gonna say something there, Mac? Teo tried to mouth words, but as he was still not entirely sure that he was not insane, he simply shook his head.
: Right, well welcome to the information superhighway! I will be your guide through this magical journey through internetland! Or I would, but you see I’m quite late for my meeting with the queen of hearts.Teo: You’re late for an important date?
: Hey man! Watch dat copyright infringement, you wanna get us sued? But yes, you’re on the money pal.Teo: So you’re the white rab-
: What did I just say?? No, I’m not him. I’m a completely original character that in no way reflects the intellectual property of the Disney corporation.At this point Teo realized that a robot with mouse ears had been hovering near them this entire time. He resolved to be a bit more observant, at least until he had regained connection with reality.
: No friend, I…I am the honey badger. Teo: You’re kidding.
Honey Badger: Come on, what did you expect, the Easter Bunny? Look, you want the secret to beating McMorris, right? Well you have come to the right place. See, he’s something of a legend around here, he’s been bringing us back from the stench and decay that was there before into a new era.
Teo: McMorris? We are talking about the same guy, right?
Honey Badger: Okay, so it’s more like a slightly less stench and decay-ey era, but hey, I’ll take anything over obscurity. That’s the thing about the internet, it needs an audience.
Teo: Uh..okay, so how do I find out how to beat McMorris?
Honey Badger: Simply put, you’re gonna have to work your way through internetland. You wanna have a chance with this guy, you’re gonna have to piece it together by talkin’ to the various members of Wonderl-
At this point the robot begins letting out a large alarm and flashing an extremely bright red siren.
Honey Badger: Son of a…Look, you’re on your own for now, buddy, but trust me, you’ll find what you’re looking for if you just follow the yellow brick road!
At this point a second robot appears, this time with an MGM logo stamped on it. The badger quickly jumps down into a hole in the ground, burrowing its way to safety as Teo looks on in stunned silence.
Voiceover: So this is what it was going to take to figure out how to beat McMorris, eh? Teo would have to work his way through the very bowels of the internet, and try to come out on the other side with his sanity intact. You know, such a journey hardly seems necessary when you really think about it. Zombie McMorris was a hell of a competitor in his day, and he puts more effort into flooding the internet with tweets than Jayson Price does into maintaining a 50% blood to alcohol ratio, and yet there was a distinct air of weakness about Zombie.
Zombie just was not someone who seemed to put any genuine effort into anything. He’s made a career out of doing as little as possible, of putting in only enough effort to make it to the ring every week and then seeing what happens.
I may be walking through wonderland as we speak, but hear me out when I say that McMorris? That dude’s a cartoon character. He is the answer for anyone who tries to say that we shouldn’t shut off the computers once in a while. He is the longest reigning internet champion, and yet he has yet to defeat anyone for the belt that presented a credible threat.
Dag Riddik? I mean he’s International Champion, sure, but he went after Zombie in his third week or so with the company? I mean I’ve heard of cherry picking when it comes to titles, but never cherry-popping! I didn’t think that was a champion’s job, to break in the new talent, but I guess Zombie is revolutionizing the internet division in more ways than one.
I could say the same argument for the Pride, but frankly I don’t like repeating myself. What’s more, he followed up those tremendous wins with a victory over Sarah Twilight. While it’s true that she was a former world champion, from what I saw she had almost no interest in actually winning the internet belt, so I hesitate to count that as something worth bragging about.
So yeah, I found myself walking down the information superhighway to find a way to come out victorious at Explosion against the longest reigning champion in the WCF, and maybe, just maybe, uncover the secret of Zombie McMorris’s power.
…It’s drugs, isn’t it? I’m betting it’s drugs.
