The Mind of a Young Lightskin (Explosion Part 1)

[SickWaves Blackamura]

Part 1: Massah Tort, pass me the shovel 

The prince of superior skin tone paced back and forth in the middle of Massah Lerch’s office, his hand caressing his forehead like a gook bitch does to a foreskin after being slipped a fifty dollar bill.

Andre: Are you retarded?

Seth: Excuse me?

Andre: Did they up the dosage on your meds, bruh? I swear, it’s like I’m trying to talk to a sedated autistic kid who just got expelled from school for shittin’ on the teacher’s desk. Do you understand nothing?

His hands extend outward like a white kid trying to hint at an inaccurate estimation of his penis size.

Seth: Do YOU not understand the fact that you’re talking to your boss?

Andre: Oh, you mean...my massah?

Seth: Don’t start with that shit..

Andre: Why not? Are you afraid of the SJW negros gettin’ up in your shit, tryin’ to shut the bitch down or is it because you’ve already had to make enough apologies over social media for the various scandals that come out of the DubSeaEff?

Massah Lerch drops his head as he lets out a frustrated sigh.

Seth: What is it you want, Andre? Fifty more title shots and your faces on the side of another tour bus? I swear, you people are never happy.

The brow crinkles as tiny beads of sweat drip from the prince’s face like Lebron in a slow motion video game trailer as he focuses in on the massah.

Andre: Fuck you mean with that “you people” shit, bro?

Seth: No, no, no. Not that. You know exactly what I meant! Beach Krew, I meant Beach Krew! Every one of you just walks around demanding that I do this or I do that. You’re never satisfied unless things are going exactly your way.

Mr. Kunta flops down into a hard chair positioned just in front of the massah’s desk. He gazes hard at this drunken fuck boy authority figure, catching sight of his red eyes and the view of the cotton field out the window behind him. His hands drum along on the cheap false wood before he lays it down like dripping white cunt in a Brazzers gangbang video.

Andre: Massah Seff, you seem to be confusin’ not bein’ happy with not bein’ content. See, we’re all plenty fuckin’ happy. We get to hurt people both for fun and for paychecks. It’s a fantastic life, bro. We happy, but we not content. Shelf life don’t exactly seem to be that impressive around here. Most motherfuckers don’t make it past they first year in this place. Now we ain’t fuckin’ stupid. Maybe this whole thing somehow ends after a year or two or maybe it goes on for a decade, but no matter how long we in this bish, we finna make damn sure that we’re so dominant that it’s disgusting. You best believe that #BeachKrew is in this to overwhelm every facet of the business. DubSeaEff is us.

So here’s what I don’t get. I prove that I’m the #FartCoreChampion time and time again, yet I don’t even get a match to be given a serious shot at it. It’s like you don’t wanna push the black kid, so you just figure “Eh, I’ll throw him in a multi-person match to take away the focus. #LOL #VoteDankTrump.” Don’t get me wrong, the tag title contender’s match is fine, but you really finna do this shit? Seth, bruh, pal….what were you thinkin’? You literally just signed these Pride faggots and now you’re just gonna push them into the lion’s den and let them get ripped to shreds? Shit...and they say we’re the bad guys.

Let me spell it out real quick for ya SAWFT ass, bruh. You needed a boost and this tag title match is it. I need to go out there and do me by potentially causing serious injury to your other “talent”. So I’ll take them tag belts, then my #FartCoreChampionship, and I’m gonna punch my ticket into Ultimate Showdown this summer where I’m walkin’ out as #WhirlpoolChampion. Hell, I might even go ahead and carry a fuckin’ trophy case worth of shit into the WAR match just to show my dick for the #LOLZ and the #DankMemeNation. I think you and a lot of other people just ain’t seein’ the value. Go ahead and wipe the shit off ya lenses and start payin’ attention to the big ticket that’s in front of you.

You know what I’ve done? You know what I’ve brought to the table in this place? I’m a fuckin’ brand, homie. I’m not just a wrestler under contract, but also the most marketable thing this place has seen in a long ass time. Forget your other top guys. There’s a reason that #BeachKrew are top dogs no matter what. That’s because we bring the sex, the drugs, and the rock and roll, motherfucker. None of the artifact lookin’, dusty ass “talent” you got in the back can stand to us no matter how much people try to convince themselves that they can. These new guys, they’re nothin’ but bait and tackle, man.

Seth: Wha-

Andre: You don’t need to explain nothin’ to me, bruh bruh. I got it about as cristal as a 50 Cent video, my dude. You tryna see the black boy do somethin’ wild and murk a couple boy scouts? Fine, you’ll have your blood bath and your ratings, but when me and Beavs squash these fuckin’ pretenders, I expect my shit. I’ll take these tag title matches, bring those belts back around the wastes of #BeachKrew, and then I’ll be sittin’ right back in the same spot that I’m in right now with my finger in your grill and your signature being written on another contract for a singles title match.

Seth: You don’t run shit around he-

The prince gets up from the chair, sarcastically extending his fist for a mutual bump.

Andre: Oh right, I forgot white people don’t understand that shit. Anyways, I’ve got important shit to do and a fuck boy genocide plan to discuss with the man who been puttin’ the D with Beaver and smashin’ it like your sister’s slit. Yeah, I know, this meeting’s over. Bye bye, Massah Seffery.

He pats his enraged enraged boss on the top of the head before making his way out of the office. Andre chuckles and mutters under his breath as the door closes.

Andre: Bout to be a slaughter up in here.

Part 2: Into the wild 

Shit, I’m feelin’ pretty fucked up. After I left Massah Lerch’s mansion, I picked up some shit from the pusha man and went off to meet Beavs. I swear he fuckin’ laced this, but it’s whatever. Most people would be workin’ out and dumpin’ protein powder down they mouths, but ya boy stay swoll off of skull crushing murder. This elbow game be strong and polished as a SEAhicle straight outta Cameron Frye’s fly ass garage. Gotta keep it fresh for them jawlines. Soon, me and Beavs get to add a couple trophies to the #BeachKrew collection when we make The Pride into the next meme, the next Mejor Redemption. Shit, we might even run into Eddie Felt and have to take him out like his last name was Morales and leave Ethan out there all alone.

You know that ya boy had to do it to them, that I had to throw them hint hint wink wink moments into the narration. If I don’t break fourth wall, who will? Spencer Adams? Yeah, right. I heard that #Fuccboi used to have some faggy, white, virgin kid feeding him all the lines for his promos and shit. I gotta stay on top of this, you know? That’s why I’m up in this shit, goin’ off the top of my dome like I’m sittin’ next to sway. Yeah, there’s probably a script or somethin’ layin’ around around here, but that ain’t no fun, man. Gotta keep my meme hand strong. The people need it. If a young lightskin wanna rule the world and become a champion, I’m finna need to be extra dank to overcome that Dank Trump influence. It’s rough out here.

I remember the last time me and Beavs was hangin’ out was up in the North where everyone talks like a caricature of some super white muhfuckers. We all know it be that way. Shit, Beavs the only one putting the north on the map really. Now you got this shit with Beavs wantin’ to come around to my part of the world and kick it with me for a couple of days. You might think of it as a team bonding exercise or whatever, not that we need it or anything, it’s just never a bad idea to strengthen that teamwork shit to ensure that we stay extra dominant over the two #Fuccbois we signed on to face this week.

I get it though. This shit a circus, you feel me? There ain’t as many good laughs and shit like you’d see out of the Friday movies or somethin’, but we definitely got ourselves plenty of that typical shit like some tank top wearin’ muhfucker holdin’ a pitbull by the collar, crackheads rollin’ dice at the end of every block, and just cranky faggots walkin’ around mean muggin’ everyone like they just out here lookin’ for a fight for no good reason. After awhile you get used to it, you know, you learn to stand your ground and shit, but that’s a lot easier for somebody like me to do then it is for Beaver and that says a lot considerin’ the fact that if you lightskin, people tryin’ step to you like you some sort of bitch.

You gotta consider how the region is gonna take to a person at first glance. If Beaver lived in Mississippi or somethin’ then I’d say that I’d be a little uneasy, ya feel? Beaver bein’ from Canada though, them people was just fascinated by a young negro. They saw young royalty as god like just like these lil’ homies round here been lookin’ at me ever since the success came. Beavs bein’ here is somethin’ that could just get real ugly, real fast. It’s chill. I mean that’s my dude, but I swear that the minute one of these ashy lil’ negros tries to fuck wit’ the squad, I’m gonna have to go from the porch monkey who wish a nigga would to the gorilla throwin’ these faggots around like The Pride in the mosh pit at a Nickelback concert or some wack ass shit like that.

Beaver: Andre! What’s good, bro?

Oh fuck, I gotta keep an eye on the man right now. Bruh bruh gonna be in some shit if this keeps up.

Andre: Beavs, get the fuck over here, dude.

Now there was lots of shit around me. I was on this shit pretty heavy, so it was lookin’ like some Doc Seuss shit behind Beavs. At least, I really hope I’m just seein’ things cause black folk don’t like Doc Seuss cause that faggot Grinch. We ain’t get no turkey dinners and xbox shit. Nah son, we had Top Ramen and our new bikes stolen straight out the livin’ room. I’m not fuckin’ around about that either. I remember when that nigga TuTu was bustin’ out the window screens and takin’ people’s Huffys and shit. Yeah, lil’ bitch tried denyin’ it, but we all saw bike parts in his backyard and then he just happen to have rock around like it was a buffet or somethin’.

Beaver: Something wrong?

Andre: Just a heads up, you ain’t gonna wanna be drivin’ up in the hood in a Cadillac actin’ all fun loving and shit like we normally would. You see that car behind me?

Beaver: Yeah?

Andre: That’s my grandma’s car. It’s a pile of shit and it had the radio taken out of it like a decade ago. White people would wanna just get a new one, but you can’t do that shit around here. Grandma hood smart as shit, bro. If you got somethin’ that is nicer than the next muhfuckers around here, there’s a pretty good chance that they just finna sneak up and steal that shit. I’m actually surprised that you ain’t already had your ride jacked, bro.

Beaver: Yeah, guess I didn’t think that part out.

Yeah, that shit made me chuckle a bit. Never a dull moment when you ridin’ #BeachKrew.

Andre: Quick change of plans. You can meet grandma later. Let’s get that shit moved. We can take it to a parking garage or something.

Beaver: Wait, how are we supposed to get around at that point?

Andre: A mix between cabs and our feet, bro. You wanted to hang around where I grew up, then it’s best to go public with the transportation, ya know?

Beaver: Yeah, I get it.

Andre: Alright, just remember that it’s probably best to not make a spectacle, you know? Awh you’ll see what I mean, bro.

So you know, Beaver and me, we hopped in this weird flashing monstrosity where his Cadillac used to be. Shit was pretty lit. Beaver was sayin’ something but his head was like five times it’s normal size so I was kind just spacin’ out on that. It’s weird though. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely tweaking pretty hard right now, but there’s a certain clarity to just drifting off into my own mind and lettin’ the creativity flow. This, this is the place where that extra bit comes out, the extra bit of genius that propels ya boy to even greater heights than what I’ve reached so far.

I was kinda in and out throughout the ride, visions of the coming PPV performance that I was about to put on in front of the kingdom of the young negro prince. There’s believing that you’re the next great tyrant in this bish and then there’s knowing that you are and I’ve known that I am ever since I stepped foot in that ring. I guess it’s my duty or somethin’. This Cadillac and every other ride I’ve been inside is exactly the same as that float I was on with Gable and Jared. Hell, I make sure that holds true. I make the world my own and plan to strike that red hot iron fist down upon the heads of The Pride and everyone else in my path. I got these forehead veins throbbin’ like an old white dad with blood pressure problems and a failing marriage.

See, I’m a strategist. While I’d spent months behind the scenes, just kinda lurkin’ and lettin’ people sleep on me, I was in my mind just like I am, plottin’ this entire path out for myself and figurin’ out just exactly how I planned on getting past these inevitable hurdles. Was I just absent when I wasn’t wrestlin’? Hell no, I was just waiting for the right moment and stalkin’ the prey around here like a damn hawk, bruh bruh. You know, we got racism goin’ on at every turn and when you come in as the negro kid whose stock instantly skyrockets to upper card levels.

Beaver: Where we headed to?

Shit, bro...did we just teleport? I don’t even remember getting to the parking garage and now we’re standing outside it in the middle of the downtown area. Bruh! Get the writers! I think I just time traveled on that Massah Jay grind frfr, hopin’ right out the DeLorean and makin’ a break for it, runnin’ that marathon as I’m on my way to fuck someone’s bitch. #LOL. This shit is fucked up though. I don’t remember half these buildings being here. I mean, I haven’t been around here in awhile, but shit just don’t look the same to me anymore. They all kinda just be lookin’ super out of place.

Beaver: Andre?

Andre: What’s up?

Beaver: You straight right now?

#NarrationLOL

Andre: Yeah...sure, bruh.

Beaver: Where to then?

Andre: There’s a tight ass bbq place a couple blocks down if you wanna go get a bite to eat and talk over this week’s game plan.

Beaver: Yeah, I’m down.

I shouldn’t be allowed to cross this street on some Frogger shit like this, breh. #TBTNigro

Beaver: Lot of stuff to do around here?

Andre: I mean..kinda I suppose. Mainly hood rat shit if you’re into that.

Look at this nigga chuckle. I wonder if homeboy has some kind of sponsorship deal where they shell out a million everytime he flashes them pearly whites. I wouldn’t even be surprised if that were the case.

: Hey, what y’all doin’?

Fuck this guy say to me? This shit never stops does it? I sure as hell don’t miss havin’ to deal with wack ass shit like this on a daily basis.

Andre: Walkin’.

: You wanna join in?

Every. Fuckin’. Ashy. Lil’. Bitch. Why? Why everytime you walk past a court, some beefy nigga wit’ a pair of old ass Doc Martin’s wanna try to come up and challenge you to hoop wit’ they fat ass runnin’ out of breath when they be tryna hobble down the court like a fuckin’ gimp.

: Who’s the white boy?

Andre: My fuckin’ brother, nigga.

Yeah, look at him, throwin’ his arms up like a fuckin’ pussy. “Oh, I didn’t mean no harm by that nigga, we cool.” Yeah, right. Then we got him do some gay ass lil’ huddle with the two scraggly ass lookin’ fuck boys he got attached to his teets.

: Alright, homie, alright.

I remember Beavs leanin’ in a bit of a hushed tone of his own which is pretty understandable honestly.

Beaver: Is everything good?

Andre: Yeah, bro. These is just your typical weak ass muhfuckers around here. That dude with the big titties might look intimidatin’ or you might think that he actually knows how to hoop at first glance since he comin’ out to ball in thrift shop stompers, but all this tard finna do is go for some sloppy half assed layups the entire time. You can out ball these dudes easy.

This shit look like the loading screen to a fight game or somethin’. I swear I hear someone blastin’ MK tracks straight from YouTube via some jank old Galaxy. Boy, you best not be just standin’ around with that shit held outward like it’s cool to do. Best turn your as around right now, son. Bet you rockin’ them checker pattern DC skate shoes with the neon laces, fuckin’ neckbeard faggots.

: You can take it.

Load up E7 on the jukebox and I swear it be soundin’ like #FagRidiculous droppin’ bars on that Thomas the Dank Engine remix. Hot fire, bruh bruh. Anyways, I wasn’t payin’ too much attention to anything, but yeah we won. “Good game” yada yada and depart. I’m just glad them niggas was soft and I didn’t have to go all alpha and stand ground and shit. I mean, if someone tries to test one member of our group, we gotta step up and slug’em in the teeth, but I’d rather not when I’m tryin’ to enjoy that bro on bro quality time as well as a pretty long lasting and intense high right now.

We get to the outside of the little family owned bbq place and at this point, my high is starting to die down a little bit, probably a good thing since I was kinda planning this to be our first opportunity to really talk out strategy and do our usual weekly shit talk on the opponents. Nothin’ like some negro made pulled pork sandwiches to get you rock hard and ready to murder some fools in the good name of that nigga Stubb’s.

: Andre Taylor! How you doin’, son?!

When you know the owner’s since you was a little kid, they tend to look at you like you’re their grandkid or somethin’.

: Haven’t seen you in ages! Seen you on the TV though, all famous and livin’ your dream! Good for you!

Andre: Good to see you guys.

: So what will you two be havin’?

Andre: Just load us up with them pulled pork sandwiches.

: You got it!

Kinda sad seein’ this place so barren compared to how it was years ago.

Beaver: So what’s up?

Andre: Well we got a couple of fuck boys to take care of Sunday. After we do that, it’s straight to the top of the tag team division. You know, it’s a damn shame to see those Rebellution homos walkin’ around the buildin’ carryin’ a couple of straps that Rabid and Kemp made relevant. The way I see it, this contender’s match was pretty inevitable. Massah Seffery might not like bookin’ us in this match, but he knows that it’s necessary in order to make them straps really mean something again unlike what Andre Phoenix and Pisces Battle been doin’ with them over the past couple months. Truth be told, we don’t need them straps, they need us, they need real winners to be wearin’em.

Now of course we was the ones picked because ratings matter to the Massahs at the top of the company. Seffery is forced to value the importance of a brand and we’re the strongest one here. With Wade, Jared, Rabid, and Kemp preoccupied crushing some fuck boys of they own, Seffery knew that he needed to find a match for Team Black Beaver to really get the smarks behind this shit and drive up the PPV sales before a financial spiral forces him to start airing these at two in the morning after a couple airings of whatever HBO late night softcore porn shows. Smarks like flashy in ring shit and they like the “cool heel” characters. Seein’ as Jared caused that faggot Spencer Adams to take a nasty little fall on his head, the big ticket prospect isn’t some try hard “indie guy”, it’s Team Black Beaver.

Beaver: Why would they put The Pride in here then? That’s the part that doesn’t make any sense to me. You don’t see them going out there and doing anything to really impress any of us. I’m not just talking about the tag title scene, I’m talking about our stable. Why is it that we see The Pride in the spot that they are against Team Black Beaver or any members of #BeachKrew for that matter? We made our stamp and they just kind of took the screenshot of everything that we’ve been doing on the road to dominance ever since we arrived. Who do they think they are?

Andre: Us, they think they’re us. Ain’t it obvious? First you have those faggots in Team of Torture start actin’ like they live that swamp life and totally rippin’ off Swagrid’s game all because they couldn’t formulate a game plan that actually helped them get anywhere on their own and now we have this, three cheap ass, #BeachKrew knock offs with half the talent of us and the charisma of an unlabeled soup can. Sad times, bruh. I remember first steppin’ into the place and turnin’ heads because we started something from scratch that had never been seen before and stealing that spotlight in no time.

You know what I love about what we do in #BeachKrew in comparison to how other people are handling their groups? I remember debuting here as one of the original #BeachKrew members with Wade and Jared and it didn’t even take long before our ranks just kept growin’ and shit. We add you, we add Sandy, we add Rabid, we add Kemp. We weren’t just adding members for the sake of trying to keep something afloat like you’d see out of some dead ass group like Pantheon. When #BeachKrew has added members, they’ve become just as much a part of the team as the next person and when all these other wannabe faggots decide to dip they toes in and test the #BeachKrew waters, they end up flailing like a quadriplegic tryna do a doggy paddle.

If you take a good look at The Pride right now, you finna see some muhfuckers who already starting to fold under the pressure that comes with swimmin’ in the deep end of the DubSeaEff. They been here less than a month and they already have a weak link, a member who proven to not be shit as he’s just been buried under his own insignificance. That’s why I’m sure Seffery didn’t even hesitate to book Griffin in jobber hell with a bunch of other fuckin’ losers in the opening clusterfucker for this week. That’s not what makin’ an impact looks like. It won’t be long before they have to file a missin’ persons report for their little buddy only to find that The Griffin has been stashed away in a back alley somewhere suckin’ dick for a taste of that sweet, sweet escape.

Beaver: What did you expect? He’s a rookie with zero experience in dank memes trying to go against ZMAC in his first couple weeks in the federation. Nobody actually thought he’d be alive after that whole thing, did they?

Andre: Oh, I know.

Chuckling narration like always.

Beaver: Got more on that scouting report? I know that #BeachKrew won’t need these belts to make ourselves stay relevant, but I really want to make sure that they don’t get the title shot.

Andre: They definitely won’t get the title shot. Hell, they don’t even have the slightest chance at advancing past us. This stable has seen WAR, won Hellimination, and clean swept at One. They are the ones who have to worry about us, not the other way around. Face it, we’re still prospects. If I was on the outside looking in, I’d be absolutely terrified to look at a force like #BeachKrew knowing that we’re so far from the ceiling. Swagrid made his way too the top of the mountain and is absolute machine, but look at Jared and Rabid. Those two are great and haven’t even tapped into the potential that we both know they have in them. As far as me and you go, we ain’t far behind at all, bruh bruh. This week will definitely prove it. All we have to do is go out and show these TeenNick level cunts that we are the fucking alpha dogs.

The thing that you gotta remember is that these dudes is playin’ our game, not the other way around. In order to combat The Pride, you gotta keep in mind that these two are the shitty version of us. The kids from the front of our math books is all grown up. Good for these lil’ faggots. For real, congratulations to them for makin’ their “dreams come true” or whatever faggy white shit they taught them in Eagle Scouts camp retreats at Camp Molestation. I’m sure part of their equally retarded minds is thinkin’ “Oh the token black kid! He seems really cool! Maybe that negro would like to come to our party!”, but them two is wrong, bruh bruh. I ain’t the kid you invite over for Hawaiian Punch and Mortal Kombat on your Sega Genesis. Nah, I’m that one who had some kinda weird thing with they moms and caused their parents to get the divorce. #LOL and yes, that does mean my dick is bigger than both they pops shit.

You think Eddie Felt about to step into the ring and hold his own? There’s is no contending in this man’s future, only #CUNTending. A motivated young negro like me is not somethin’ that he’s gonna wanna fuck with. Besides, he fears us. I know he does. He fears the #BeachKrew conspiracy and if he doesn’t already, he will as soon as the match starts. That’s all that’s gonna be on his mind, not becoming a champion. Hell, he don’t know nothin’ about holding gold or bein’ a figurehead for anything. You know this man was the type of stupid muhfucker who would sneak behind the school to buy an ounce of oregano from the dirty kid with the half stache and the ICP shirt on.

Now that we know Griffin won’t be long for this place, we have to look at who has the leadership ability to be able to step up and be the team MVP for The Pride. There’s no way in hell that will be Eddie. Homeboy is simply too wrapped up in his own mind, his own bullshit. So that leaves Ethan. Sure he’s definitely gonna be the closest thing they have to a breakout star, but that still ain’t sayin’ much of anything about him. He’s too vanilla. This ain’t Ethan King, it’s Spring 2015 Spencer Adams, it’s Lucy Starr, it’s Andre Holmes when he first arrived on the spot. The dude is so eager and ready to make that impact, but how? He don’t know. Plus, this bitch is as green as the white folks Bud Light from last week.

Every single one of these muhfuckers like Ethan King and Eddie Felt has to survive the trial period. If they make it past that then congrats to them, even though they’ll inevitably be trapped in the #BeachKrew shadow for their short and uneventful careers. If they can settle for a career of being second place at best, then I’d say they might secure some long term contracts and a consistent amount of 50/50 booking. #LOL Beavs, we’ve already proved in dominating fashion over Team of Torture that we are legit. Now all that’s left for us to do is go out there and make this absolute slaughterfest happen.

Beaver: For sure. We got this, bruh.

Fuck...not this shit. There are moments where your heart just sinks. All it takes is seein’ somethin’ out the corner of your eye, something that you instantly recognize as a red alarm. It’s in these moments that world goes in slow motion. I almost forgot what it was like to have bullets start flying at you, just barely missing as they shoot past your head. You aren’t thinkin’ of anything other than dropping down as your only defense becomes luck. Most people pray that they make it to tomorrow, but when you be your own god, you ensure your own survival and act swiftly with retribution on the mind, that intent to make the motherfucker who came after you learn their lesson.