New Ingredients to the Story Stu

[Stuart Slane]

New Ingredients to the Story Stu

March 5, 2016
Stuart Slane’s Hotel Room
Holiday Inn Express
Colorado Springs, Colorado


Stuart Slane sat at the work station of his hotel suite. He’s dressed in a crisply pressed plaid work shirt and dungarees. His big bare feet curled into the room’s shag carpeting as he watched video of his upcoming opponents for Slam. From time to time when something on the laptop screen makes an impression he noted it on a yellow legal pad. A peek over his broad shoulder showed what he has written so far:

Travis “TNT” Tusk:
First opponent since return. Pinned with Slane Slam.
Average height/build
Technical wrestler (competed in high school)
Good ring awareness
Plucky
Fights fair
Still winless
Member of nCw (New Cat Wrestling). Only member?
Mentored by Steve Catt (formerly Carr)
Carr/Catt Hall of Famer, “grandfather of WCF”
Verdict: Carr’s involvement says TNT has hidden depths to him. Do not underestimate. Of three opponents one with the most ring savvy. Do not let him use the chaos of match to sneak a pin.

Great Power Buti:
Wrestled on WCF Wednesday Night. Pinned with Slane Slam
Female
Fast paced fighting style
Lots of bounce
Fights fair
Winless
Good on the mic
I don’t get her name
Verdict: Third match in WCF, third shot at a title. Very eager to prove herself. Exuberance can be a disadvantage. Tigger reference in promo- racist?

The screen on the laptop went dark. A few keystrokes let Slane opened the file containing the debut of the last wrestler competing in tomorrow’s Television Title Match. As he waited for it to cue up his phone began to play “War Pigs 300 Rise of an Empire Remix”. Dourly, he halted the video and took the call, “Hello?”

“Stuart! You must punish the Rad Russian Sunday. Break her. Humble her,” Circe Cicero, President of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Swine commanded.

“No.”

There was a pause, and then Stu added, “Why?”

“She’s a murderer, Stuart. She killed a pig in cold blood! Just to train for a match!”

Circe’s right, sort of. A sus-icide did take place during the Russian’s first promo. You can look it up. The current Television champion was not about to accept this as truth, given the source.

“Where did you hear this?” Slane asked as he began to sketch a surprisingly accurate caricature of Miss Cicero on the legal pad.

“I read it in the Smart Market’s Platinum Membership section. Gabriel Plonck gets all the scoops.”

And another former entry from the WCF Non Wrestler Board gets name dropped. The disclosure does little to sway Stu, however, “That’s hardly justification to single out and harm Mrs. Beavers,” Slane frowned to himself before confiding to his sometime sponsor, “In truth, I am very reluctant to fight her at all.”

“Because she’s a giant, irradiated and possibly carcinogenic, hermaphroditic freak?” Cicero asked.

“Because she’s being manipulated. Her husband uses a shock collar to control her. It’s disgusting, and should not be allowed. Reverend Beavers is the one who deserves humbling, not his wife.”

“Then do that then.”

Stuart added an exaggerated version of Circe’s true upturned snout to his portrait of her, “It’s not that simple. The Television Title can be lost through disqualification. If I attack The Rad Russian’s manager during our match, a referee might award the belt to them. And putting my hands on him before the contest or afterwards without any immediate stimulus could lead to a fine or suspension for myself.”

Circe’s reply was unsympathetic, “Well, Stuart, I suppose you’re going to have to decide what’s more important to you now: your principles or your belt. I mean, the answer to that before was obvious; you were willing to get with the PETS program when we were bankrolling you as ‘Hog Wilder’.”

She was one hundred percent on the mark, and Slane knew it, “We both used each other, Miss Cicero. And both of us paid for it, dearly.”

There was a lull in the conversation, as both recalled the injuries they obtained for attempting to force PETS’s dogma onto the wrestling swine herder Legion and his own malefic mentor Nathan von Liebert.

Circe decided it was time to change the subject, “How is the camp?”

“Good.”

“And your children?”

“Fine; adapting admirably to my growing absence.”

“And my ‘children’?”

Slane grimaced, “The pigs are well.”

“Splendid. Expect more shortly. We have an eye on a so-called ‘petting zoo’ in Brownsville with an egregious swine’s rights record and several candidates for liberation.”

“Several? Keep in mind, Miss Cicero, the camp only has so much room for your, ah, refugees.”

“I know. Yours is not the only ‘Hog Haven’ we utilize, Stuart.”

Slane wondered if that was true. During all of his dealings with the woman, he had never gotten the impression there was an actual infrastructure to PETS, and that the swine rights movement was herded along by a lone wolf: Miss Cicero herself. Still, her monthly stipend helped run the camp, and Stuart felt he did owe her for failing to keep her safe from two of the monsters that have frequented WCF.

The pair’s conversation continued for a few more minutes as Slane updated Circe on the health and well-being of the pigs under his protection, and then the two exchanged farewells. Stuart turned his attention back to the computer. He decided against watching the match he had in queue, feeling it was unnecessary at this point. Between now and Slam he would view it, just to get a better idea on how the Rad Russian fought, but what he needed to say about her, about her manager, and about the others gunning for his belt, was already crystalized in his consciousness. So instead he set up the computer’s recording features, and then went to change.

Slane was in his ring gear and wearing the Television Title around his waist when he spoke next to the WCF Galaxy.

“This Sunday in Colorado Springs I will be defending the Television Championship in a four way match. My three opponents can all be considered underdogs. Travis “TNT” Tusk, Great Power Buti, and The Rad Russian do not have a victory among them. I’ve beaten Mister Tusk and Miss, uh, Buti in previous competition. And while the Rad Russian is possibly one of the few wrestlers in WCF who can make a legitimate claim to being my superior strength wise, she lacks my conditioning, my skill, and I believe my passion for the sport.”

Stuart’s expression turned contemptuous.

“How else can you explain the cruel, vicious, and immoral means her manager uses to motivate her? Reverend Jacob Beavers employs a shock collar to coerce The Rad Russian. A supposed Man of God tortures his own wife to compete according to his own terms. Now I know professional wrestling is a rough sport with a seamy underside, we cannot become so jaded that this type of brutality is met with indifference. That’s why I am warning Reverend Beavers right now if he dares push that control button, if his finger so much as twitches, I’m going to end him. I will snap his spine and shove him into that box of rattlers he carries. Let’s see if the Lord’s Grace will save the Reverend when he’s cooped up and competing for air with his fellow serpents.”

His dire ultimatum delivered, the Television Champion’s tone softened when the match and its participants are discussed.

“But back on topic. While it is true all three challengers to the Television Title are not on my level, the fact is they don’t have to be. I do not have to be pinned to lose the belt Sunday. That is the nature of this kind of contest. Add to this the hectic nature of a four way bout, and the incredibly varied styles of my opponents; it becomes difficult to predict exactly what will happen. Travis Tusk could apply what he has learned from WCF Hall of Famer Steven Carr to win. Or Great Power Buti, with her speed and ahm, hops, might end the match with her hand raised. Even the Rad Russian, if she is free to fight for herself, to win for herself, might find a desire that matches her strength that leads to her carrying the day. Any of these things could happen. All I can promise is that on Sunday, when that bell rings, I will be fighting as hard as any of them to keep the title I currently possess: Television Champion. Scout’s Honor.”