Post by Joey Flash on Mar 4, 2016 20:02:17 GMT -5
Cute Animal King
Life for the power couple of New York City isn’t all about murder, extortion, narcotics, intimidation and gun running. So yes, just last week they shared an intimate bonding experience over the torture and execution of their rivals in a power play that would make Michael Corleone himself jealous but Joseph and Alessandra Malignaggi sometimes just need some time to relax. This is what you youngsters nowadays would call a ‘date’; they walked hand in hand through the entrance of The Bronx Zoo.
The cute animal king rides again.
They had arrived bang on opening time as Joey had told her ‘What the fuck is the point unless we can see everything? I need my cute fix.’ Their definitions on ‘cute’ definitely clashed, Joey was reduced to a gibbering goo-goo-ga-ga wreck at the very sight of a duckling or a puppy frolicking in its joyous new found life, the closest she ever got was when a man was staring at her with tears in his eyes as the light drained from them. Alas, she sighed inwardly, different strokes for different folks. It had been a weekend to remember for the Malignaggi’s, she hadn’t watched Timebomb, as the message notifications lit her phone up ten minutes after the scheduled start of the match she knew already. He had won.
It was so refreshing to see him now, from the fetal, sad crying husk of a man to her powerful, strong, revitalised stallion. She smiled as she looked at his happy face as he was enjoying every one of the enclosures. His hair flowed behind him in the wind and it seemed like he was almost walking on air, she snuggled further into him, this was her alpha, this was the Joseph Malignaggi that had enraptured her some eight years ago.
It had been over three hours since they had arrived before they finally sat down for a short rest. For the first time in the giddy day so far Joey was silent.
Alessandra: Having fun?
He seemed lost in thought, either that or had suddenly lost his hearing.
Alessandra: Earth to Joseph.
She playfully knocked her hand on his head causing him to slowly turn toward her with a distant look on his face.
Joey: Yeah the weather is lovely.
Alessandra: I didn’t ask about the weather.
Joey: Oh. Right.
Alessandra: Joseph!
Joey: What?!
Alessandra: Hi. I’m still here you know.
Joey: Yep, I can see that.
Alessandra: Well maybe we can actually ta-
Joey: Al.
He snaked a hand out toward hers and grasped it tight. The look on his face had become deadly serious, what was wrong? She wondered. This is the look people give before they either tell you some extremely terrible news, or try to disguise some equally good.
Joey: I am the World Champion.
Alessandra: Right...
Joey: So, that means I am the best in the world right?
Alessandra: Technically I guess…
Joey: I’ve made a decision.
He took her hand and led her with purpose, talking as they went.
Joey: I am the best in the world. I have ascended to the summit of all that is human competition, I am the number one combat athlete that has ever existed. The wrestlers of the WCF are such lowly peons, such plebians in comparison it makes my dick shrivel at the mere thought of having to share a ring with them. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Alessandra didn’t understand.
Alessandra: Uhhh, yeah…
Joey: Good, see, great minds think alike. I married you for a reason Mrs Malignaggi. You agree then? It’s time.
Alessandra: For-
Joey stopped in his tracks.
Joey: No longer can I test myself against humanity. Today Al, I am going to take on my biggest challenger. The first defence of my World Title is going to be against…
He raised a finger to point into a display.
Joey: …him.
Stood only a few feet away, down in a large enclosure surrounded by several others seemingly bowing to his every whim, feeding, grooming, whatever he wanted…stood a fucking silverback gorilla.
The Don King of Zoofights
Joseph sat down opposite the Head Zookeeper in the main administration complex.
Joey: How much?
Zoo Keeper: I’ve been telling you for the past ten minutes Mr Malignaggi, this is NOT for sale. How stupid are you? Like seriously? A gorilla? Even if it was up for sale to allow you in the enclosure to ‘fight’ Brutus, you do understand that he would rip you limb from limb in a matter of seconds? As in, this is creature several times your weight, over ten times your strength, with about a billion more ways to hurt you than you have to hurt it. No disrespect ‘champ’ but you would be mauled, disemboweled and slaughtered before you had chance as much to breathe.
Joey smiled and shook his head in a condescending manner.
Joey: It seems it is you who is not understanding, I am no mere champion-
Zoo Keeper: Yes, yes I’ve heard this all before. I made the mistake of letting Ronda Rousey pay to grapple with a chimp and the stupid bitch tried to make it ‘tap out’ with an arm bar.
Joey: and?
Zoo Keeper: It ripped her fucking face off.
Joey chuckled under his breath.
Joey: So, he is undefeated?
Zoo Keeper: Do you not understand-
Joey: Undefeated King of the Jungle. The monster of the animal kingdom, the undisputed champion amongst the animals. Brutus…it is settled. It is the most lucrative match in combat sports history. Joey Flash vs Brutus, WCF Champion vs WWF World Champion in a unification match. No disqualifications, only a pin or submission takes the victory…
Zoo Keeper: Idio-
Joey reaches below the desk and plonks a briefcase onto the table, spinning it in one adept move and unclipping it. The Zoo Keepers eyes almost jumped out of his skull.
Joey: Two million.
The Zoo Keeper simply smiled, closed the briefcase and pulled it toward him.
Zoo Keeper: It’s your funeral.
WCF vs WWF
The camera opens to the smiling faces of Zach Davis, Freddy Whoa and Gravedigger as they sit on a stage above the gorilla pen.
Zach Davis: Hello and welcome to a special WCF broadcast live from The Bronx Zoo where we will see in an amazing turn of events our new World Champion aiming to unify his title with World Wildlife Fund Champion ‘Brutus’. This promises to be-
Gravedigger: ‘WWF Champion?’ What the fuck even is this? He’s going to be fighting a fucking gorilla. Why are we even here? This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen here.
Zach Davis: Joining us tonight on our co-promoted broadcast, representing the WWF is “raYne.” Welcome raYne-
The camera zooms away from Zach Davis as we hear a blood curdling scream over the feed.
Freddy Whoa: AHHH GET IT OFF ME FUCK…MY EYE, OH GOD MY EYE-
We see a small, but very powerful chimpanzee with a headset on…for all intents and purposes skull fucking the colour commentator.
raYne: Ook Ook…EEK EEK EEEEEEEEEEK!
Davis and Gravedigger can only look on in horror as the chimp has its carnal way with the face of their broadcast partner, it finishes, fully satisfied…before slapping the shit out of the facially sodomized Freddy Whoa. Freddy collapses in a heap as raYne lands on top of him and flashes a wide happy chimpanzee grin at the camera. It sits down on the unconscious Freddy Whoa and looks at its new partners.
raYne: OOK!
Gravedigger: Well it’s colour already has more insight than Whoa, and it’s a fucking chimp.
raYne: EEK!!!!
Zach Davis: It seems that something is happening down in the ‘arena’. Let’s go there folks.
Mile Zero by Periphery hits as the WCF World Champion makes his entrance from one of the two doors on opposing sides. The pen has been cleared entirely for this event, leaving Joey currently alone in the middle of a raised grassy knoll, he holds a microphone above his head and then lowers it to his mouth before beginning to speak as the gathering crowd around the top stare down at him.
Joey: Welcome to Joey Flash era.
He smiles and opens his arms as the crowd begin to cheer.
Joey: I didn’t ask for this shit, I didn’t go around demanding this shit, this is not a labour of love, I didn’t go through a gauntlet of people to earn this, and look what happens, it just fell into my fucking lap. I was avoiding this title as courtesy to all the bums that populate this piece of shit federation, I wanted to avoid a year long reign of untouchable dominance where every world title match is as predictable as when Jared Holmes faces a credible opponent. Now the people who were so actively wanting this title when Price held it, the people that were coveting this shit are all of a sudden like Helen Keller up in this bitch. Open challenge, anyone who wants it you have it. Give me a challenge…and then pay me a million for me to pay attention to you, you fucking jobbers.
You guys in the crowd, let me hear you, Joey Flash is finally World Champion guys!
They cheer loudly as Joey gives a wave.
Joey: Yeah. Fuck you all.
The gathering crowd change their tune immediately; booing Flash with the same fervor they cheered him.
Joey: What exactly did you think was happening? That I’m some kind of people’s champion? That I’m fighting for the greater good? That *gasp* I’m fighting for you? Sorry. I am fighting a) Because I am good at it and B) Because it pays me well. That’s all. So sorry to disappoint. Now you’re stuck with a World Champion who doesn’t give a fuck about the belt he’s holding. It’s funny, because I’m going to bring the prestige of that belt back to where it belongs. Fuck these boring, by the numbers transitional faggots we’ve had for the last half a year. I’m going to show the federation what it feels like to have a real figurehead, I mean fuck, I’ve been that without the belt for nearly a year anyway so I guess the slipper fits. Let’s be real for a second here. The prestige of the belt is the sideshow to the real prize here. The next person to be World Champion will get to say they have beaten Joey Flash.
Want to know who has never beaten Joey Flash? No, no don’t answer yet, it's time for a fucking riddle, play along at home.
They claim to be Deep Blue, Joey Flash beats them in three moves
Their gimmick seems cool but what fucking demographic do they appeal to
They look for that cheap heat, crowds cheap ooh's, you’re so see through, it’s fucking deceitful
You need proof? Well let me teach you.
It's simple as shit, you faggots stick to the script like a read-through
‘JOEY I ATTACKED U, I AM NEXT WORLD CHAMP; UR KIDS DEAD LMFAO’ yep, that’s a preview
Oh what’s that? The towel that your team threw? Damn, if I slit your throat in the ring we still won’t lose, not even by DQ, getting bodied by Joey Flash every week that’s-
Crowd: BeachKrew!
The crowd claps in appreciation, then returns to booing Flash with vigour. He takes a bow and then begins ethering the worst group in WCF history.
Joey: So I went from fighting #BeachKrew, to fighting #BeachKrew to fighting…oh look it’s #BeachKrew. Beating you faggots is getting beyond tedious at this point. I’m cruising around a NewGame+ on easy mode how many times I’ve beaten you and how easily I dispatch you every time. Get this through your heads. You are not a threat to me, you never ever were. You had ten minutes of fame and five minutes of success while I was away, while I allowed it to happen. Now I have to bury you worthless fucks again. You’re like an abusive girlfriend the way you keep coming back here, what is it? Maybe this time it’ll be different, maybe he’ll change…nope I’m still gonna backhand slap you and you’re still going to leave a crying battered and mentally scarred mess. That’s just what happens.
Dustin Beaver you worthless fuckin bitch why do I have to face you every month? Is it in my contract? Did I sign something somewhere that says ‘Must fight metrosexual lower card wrestler every fourth week’? Why do you still continue this path? Every month you just get jobberkilled by the best in the business and to what end? I am fucking sick of this Dustin. Every time I beat you I get angry fan letters. Let me read for you, hang the fuck on.
Joey produces a scrunched up piece of paper from his pocket, unravels and begins to read.
Joey: What a weird cunt.
Why do you even persist in this game Dusty? You’re categorically one of the biggest letdowns for your own team let alone for the federation. You were the next to blow, you were supposed to be the next big thing for BeachKrew, for the Television Title, you were dominating, you were smashing shit…then you went and got bodied by a monochromatic mongoloid. What is WRONG with you Dustin? I mean shit, at this point you’re just trolling yourself with your competition these days. There is no ladders to climb for you, there are no titles for you to work toward. You can’t beat the TV champ, we know that much after two attempts, you’d be lit up Hardcore or Internet, US Title? Please. I mean holy shit what, you’re going to reveal that surprise surprise you’re 1/4th Irish so you can fight for the International title…then get killed by Dagvald. This is the end of the line for you here Beaver. You had your chance, twice, and you fucking blew it.
Your ceiling is now determined, The Sorting Hat decrees ‘Midcard Filler for you ho ho ho’. There is no avoiding it anymore. You have no upward potential. I watch you flounder about from match to match and I chuckle to myself at how pitiful this really is.
However, things can get real in matter of seconds. Rabid, how’s it going? How’s the family? How’s the soul crushing emasculating return of Jared Holmes and your abysmal mid card career?
Damn Johnny, you must hate life right now. Let me tell you something, it will all be okay. It’s fine that you lost your tag team titles to a pair of absolute stiffs one of whom is my personal crusty spunk sock, it’s fine that you let yourself get punked alpha’d and your ‘leadership’ role taken away, it’s fine…
…if you’re a complete fucking bitch. You lost your tag team titles to GRAYSON PIERCE AND ANDRE HOLMES. Let that sink in for a moment. These are legitimately two of the worst people I have ever seen in this federation, and you lost to them. I could barely believe what I was seeing, you’re supposed to be the next up and coming star so what’s happening? Why you losing to bums bro? Riddle me this, did you lose and that then opened a pathway for you to succeed? Did it open some doors for you Johnny? Nope, that shit slammed shut straight in your ugly ass face. It goes from bad to worse for this guy though.
You were the leader of BeachKrew…but then back comes Jared aka Splinter aka Ratatouille and you’re there bending over like a bitch in heat. I mean fuck me. You were handpicked by your own manager as the leader and yet you did nothing but disappoint, then when a man is coming from your position, for your spot, for your prestige what did you do? Did you fight back? Did you question Jared? Did you war for the top spot like the two alpha males of a group? Nope, you did exactly what a bitch is supposed to do: nothing.
Where is the fight in you Rabid? Get mad, get crazy, lose a little bit of yourself, nominative determinism fuckstick, get RABID. Your name should be ‘Johnny Tameasfuck’ right now with how you’re acting; I’m embarrassed just watching you. Change your name to David Brent the amount of cringe you’re putting out each and every week. You talk such a big game but where is the action? I can’t even watch you these days. You’re running about attacking Dune when the very cancer to your own career is right by your side patting you on the head and telling you ‘Sick em boy!’
You are a fucking idiot. Two options.
1) Attack the most dominant World Champion in the past year and second biggest name in the company right now for some bizarre, unclear, made up ‘You spilled my coffee over me so let’s feud’ type bullshit trying to make a name for yourself, yet again, off someone else’s back.
2) Deal with the shit on your own doorstep. Tell that ratfaced fuck ‘No, not today’, slap the taste out of his mouth and prove to the world you are worth a damn. Prove to the world you are not a snivelling subservient coward, prove to the world you are a MAN.
From where I’m standing Johnny you are absolutely anything but. You’re even worse than Beaver, he destroyed his career but at least he fought, when called he failed with his actions, you are destroying yourself and your public image with your inaction. So now you’re starting to slink around Dune and by proxy, me trying to get some shine this way. Let me give you a little warning: this is not a fight you win. This is not the fight where you poke the bear and then manage to overcome it in a big final battle. This a fight where you poke the bear and it tears you to shreds. You are not good enough to see any Sentinel in the ring, Howard, John and especially not Dan, but hey, what do I know right?
Joey smiles.
Joey: I’m going to be there when you lose you know. When all hope is lost, when you’re hoisted up and about to receive that final Sandstorm, that epitaph for the disappointment that is your career, as you’re coughing and sputtering as you’re getting pinned for the 1…2…3…I’ll whisper in your ear:
‘Told you so.’
But hey, you won the Trilogy Cup Battle Royal right? Well done you. I can tell you right now what will happen with that: absolutely fuck all.
What I would do: Kyle Kemp vs Jared Holmes in the finals, before the match beat the shit out of Kyle Kemp, partner or not fuck him, right? This is your time. Take his place, then on the biggest stage of them all, in the biggest match of your careers show Jared Holmes that it was all a work from the start, that YOU have always been in control. That YOU are the leader of BeachKrew.
What you will do: Nothing, and no one will care, and you will fade into obscurity where you, your shit hair and your talent belongs.
This is the difference right there. See I won that same Battle Royal last year, now I’m a two time World Champion within a single year. I am heading to the Hall of Fame already and my career is just getting started.
You win this year? No one fucking cares. You’re going to amble through this year going from meaningless, unimaginative feud to unimaginative feud maybe getting a pity title on the way. Why?
Joey smiles.
Joey: You are a fucking eunuch.
So now we move on to the member of BeachKrew who has garnered the most acclaim and success over the past year, the member who is the only genuine contender for me at this point. I get it, you want this belt. So let’s talk about it.
Brofessor, you look like Ellen DeGeneres made a baby with Ellen DeGeneres. Why you think you can match up with Joey Flash is mindboggling to me, you bitch, you pussy you-
Oh wait, this is supposed to be the part of the promo where I give that neckbeard some attention isn’t it? Dude is mad hungry for this shit, I can tell…just by fucking looking at him. Wade, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room here – oh wait, we can’t, that’s you!
Joey smiles.
Joey: Why are you so hostile toward me Wade what’s the problem here? Look, I’ve got an idea why don’t I take you out; we can go to like Dairy Queen or something yeah? My treat. I’ll order a Sundae, you’ll order the rest of the week.
I won’t lie, I unblocked this guy just to see what shit he was talking about on his twitter page, motherfucker, why is every other status about some kind of different shit you’ve eaten?
@godnilla – Posted 12:58
Mmm just had lunch chicken was grate LMAO
@godnilla – Posted 14:15
Had some fish fillet, waffles, then steak LOL
@godnilla – Posted 17:05
Dat nightmare fuel, happy meal, cheese, fries + a twelve inch sub kill me now rofl
@godnilla – Posted 17:20
Eating some kfc right now cant wait lmfao
...that last one was only a fifteen minute fucking break. This fat motherfucker tried using the slap bracelet he got in the Happy Meal, and it just stayed straight. Bitch I bet your blood type is: O(H YEAAAAAAHH!). It’s okay Wade summer is coming up, your wardrobe is a killer, those loud shirts and shitty hats that’s the in thing, maybe I’ll even be kind and help you brush up on your style first. Maybe buy you a new shirt to go swimming in.
I don’t understand how you can be so large, really, I don’t get it, you do all the exercises anyone needs in life to maintain a healthy weight, I mean check it: in the morning he sits up, then drives over to KFC, orders some chicken nuggets, then does a set of dips with that.
Now you’re all wondering…Joey! Why you doing him like that? You’re killing this poor guy with only fat jokes why is that? Why? Because Wade, a fat joke is all that you are.
I don’t take you seriously as a person, I don’t take you seriously as a wrestler, I sure as shit don’t take you seriously as a man. You are everything wrong with this business. Let me let you in on a little bit of information junior. I am not going to fight you; I am never going to fight you. You keep on with this course of action, the boring, ho hum attacks with no rhyme or reason other than to get a rise and a reaction out of me. Let me tell you straight up: you pay me a million and I’ll fight you. Simple. I have no motivation to fight shitty wrestlers who won’t provide me with a contest in the ring; the least you can do is compensate me for the hospitalisation you want so badly. But hey Wade, you get me in the ring this week wowee. What are ya gonna do?
Answer: Lose.
You want relevance so badly, you want to Joey Flash rub so badly it’s fucking embarrassing at this point. How about this: work your way up, beat some contenders, create a buzz, create a clamour for this match and maybe we can get down to hashing out some business. But you can’t do that, can you Wade? I can tell you why. Because you don’t want to be exposed. At the moment people think of you as the crown jewel of BeachKrew, the best of the lot, the top tier guy, yet you and I both know, you’re not that. You’re third at best. In my opinion? You barely even crack the top five. So what you’re doing now are the last acts of a dying man, scratch that, of a lying man’s dying career, you were in the right place at the right time one time and that one meagre success is the reason you still try to belong. Reality check Wade, this is not the level you’re at. You want Joey Flash and a shot at the World Title, not because everyone else wants to see it, not because you have to prove anything to anyone else, because you want to prove it to yourself.
‘Am I good enough? Am I a real World Champion?’
Answer: You lost to Jayson Price, what the fuck do you think?
Joey smiles.
Joey: Now, I’ve killed these herbs too much already it’s making me feel uncomfortable how badly I’m annihilating them. It’s time for the main event of the evening let us begin. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? Let the games begin.
Joey releases his grip on the microphone. Answering Joey’s call the lights surrounding the ‘arena’ dim as Simon Says by Pharoe Monch begins blasting from the speakers. The door across from a stretching Flash begins to open up.
Kyle Steel: Introducing, he is the reigning, defending, undefeated WWF Champion of the World, he is ‘The Bareback Silverback’…BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTUS!!!!!!
The hulking gorilla stomps out of the gate with its gaze locked immediately on a foreign body in its enclosure, Joey continues to stretch as the gorilla approaches.
Zach Davis: Both competitors looking tentative right now…
Gravedigger: Tentative? The gorilla is about to kill him. I don’t even know if I want to watch. This is the single most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen a champion do.
raYne: OOK OOK!
Brutus begins charging toward Flash at a rate even the champ is surprised by, he quickly switches stance on to his toes and takes a step back to dodge the swinging club of a hand from the gorilla…only to be smashed squarely in the jaw. Flash is sent flying about ten feet backward with a sickening crunch.
Zach Davis: WOULD SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH?!
Brutus hammers at his chest and gives an almighty roar, it is only after five or so seconds that we see movement from Joey; he staggers upward before slumping back on the wall of the enclosure. We see in one single hit he has been damaged more than in any other contest in his career. Blood is trickling from his ears and his face is a mask of agony. He reaches a hand down to his side and winces at the pain of likely a fractured rib or two. Flash is breathing deeply already, he tries to get back into a fighting stance but the gorilla is charging again.
Zach Davis: My god, not like this.
Gravedigger: First Cairo to a volcano, now Flash to a gorilla…
The gorilla is closing in at a speed that Flash still can’t get a read on, its bounding lightning quick primate gait is so rapid all Joey can do is raise his arms in a cross arm block guard to try and minimise the impact to a non-fatal blow. Flash takes a deep breath as the gorilla lunges at him, it was nice while it lasted, you had a good run, you became World Champion but here it is where it ends…
...for you.
Zach Davis: HOLY FUCKING CUNTBALLS!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
GRAVEDIGGERWHOSENAMEISCAPITALISEDTOSHOWTHEIMMENSENESSOFTHEMOMENT: WHAT WAS THAT?!
raYne: ZA WAURDOOOOOOOOO OOK OOK!!!!!
In the blink of an eye Brutus, the 500lb hulking mass of muscle, the ‘WWF Champion’ is flat on its back, completely unconscious. Flash, still labouring with his breath climbs on top of the gorilla and throws his fingers into the air.
1…
2…
3!!!
He struggles back to his feet and holds his hands aloft as the gathered crowd go, pun intended, ape shit.
Zach Davis: What did we just see?
Gravedigger: I have no idea what just happened.
Zach Davis: There is no need for explanations. What we saw last Sunday…this is the same feeling.
Gravedigger: ‘The World’.
raYne: EEK EEK!
Kyle Steel: Your winner…and now the undisputed, unified champion of the human and animal kingdoms he is the WCF and WWF Champion of the World…Joey Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!
Joey celebrates for a moment, soaking in the applause before calling for a microphone once more.
Joey: There…we…go. That’s what this shit is. This is where I currently reside. I’m in a stratosphere beyond anything you people can comprehend. It’s okay, on Sunday you witness something beautiful. The end of BeachKrew at my hand, with Wade’s head on my wall that’s the full set, I will have beaten every single one of your wrestlers and you will have barely made a scratch on my divine armour. But oh shit, what’s next, you’re sending the trump cards right? Brofessor Coach, Sandy Coconutz and Jim Thuggin coming next?! I’ll get rid of that alien like my name was Ellen Ripley…or Donald Trump.
This match is a fucking homicide. It’s been over since the day it was signed.
RIP IN PEACE BEACH CRUE. You are, you were, you always will be complete failures.
The World is watching, bodybags on deck. You’re finished.
Life for the power couple of New York City isn’t all about murder, extortion, narcotics, intimidation and gun running. So yes, just last week they shared an intimate bonding experience over the torture and execution of their rivals in a power play that would make Michael Corleone himself jealous but Joseph and Alessandra Malignaggi sometimes just need some time to relax. This is what you youngsters nowadays would call a ‘date’; they walked hand in hand through the entrance of The Bronx Zoo.
The cute animal king rides again.
They had arrived bang on opening time as Joey had told her ‘What the fuck is the point unless we can see everything? I need my cute fix.’ Their definitions on ‘cute’ definitely clashed, Joey was reduced to a gibbering goo-goo-ga-ga wreck at the very sight of a duckling or a puppy frolicking in its joyous new found life, the closest she ever got was when a man was staring at her with tears in his eyes as the light drained from them. Alas, she sighed inwardly, different strokes for different folks. It had been a weekend to remember for the Malignaggi’s, she hadn’t watched Timebomb, as the message notifications lit her phone up ten minutes after the scheduled start of the match she knew already. He had won.
It was so refreshing to see him now, from the fetal, sad crying husk of a man to her powerful, strong, revitalised stallion. She smiled as she looked at his happy face as he was enjoying every one of the enclosures. His hair flowed behind him in the wind and it seemed like he was almost walking on air, she snuggled further into him, this was her alpha, this was the Joseph Malignaggi that had enraptured her some eight years ago.
It had been over three hours since they had arrived before they finally sat down for a short rest. For the first time in the giddy day so far Joey was silent.
Alessandra: Having fun?
He seemed lost in thought, either that or had suddenly lost his hearing.
Alessandra: Earth to Joseph.
She playfully knocked her hand on his head causing him to slowly turn toward her with a distant look on his face.
Joey: Yeah the weather is lovely.
Alessandra: I didn’t ask about the weather.
Joey: Oh. Right.
Alessandra: Joseph!
Joey: What?!
Alessandra: Hi. I’m still here you know.
Joey: Yep, I can see that.
Alessandra: Well maybe we can actually ta-
Joey: Al.
He snaked a hand out toward hers and grasped it tight. The look on his face had become deadly serious, what was wrong? She wondered. This is the look people give before they either tell you some extremely terrible news, or try to disguise some equally good.
Joey: I am the World Champion.
Alessandra: Right...
Joey: So, that means I am the best in the world right?
Alessandra: Technically I guess…
Joey: I’ve made a decision.
He took her hand and led her with purpose, talking as they went.
Joey: I am the best in the world. I have ascended to the summit of all that is human competition, I am the number one combat athlete that has ever existed. The wrestlers of the WCF are such lowly peons, such plebians in comparison it makes my dick shrivel at the mere thought of having to share a ring with them. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Alessandra didn’t understand.
Alessandra: Uhhh, yeah…
Joey: Good, see, great minds think alike. I married you for a reason Mrs Malignaggi. You agree then? It’s time.
Alessandra: For-
Joey stopped in his tracks.
Joey: No longer can I test myself against humanity. Today Al, I am going to take on my biggest challenger. The first defence of my World Title is going to be against…
He raised a finger to point into a display.
Joey: …him.
Stood only a few feet away, down in a large enclosure surrounded by several others seemingly bowing to his every whim, feeding, grooming, whatever he wanted…stood a fucking silverback gorilla.
The Don King of Zoofights
Joseph sat down opposite the Head Zookeeper in the main administration complex.
Joey: How much?
Zoo Keeper: I’ve been telling you for the past ten minutes Mr Malignaggi, this is NOT for sale. How stupid are you? Like seriously? A gorilla? Even if it was up for sale to allow you in the enclosure to ‘fight’ Brutus, you do understand that he would rip you limb from limb in a matter of seconds? As in, this is creature several times your weight, over ten times your strength, with about a billion more ways to hurt you than you have to hurt it. No disrespect ‘champ’ but you would be mauled, disemboweled and slaughtered before you had chance as much to breathe.
Joey smiled and shook his head in a condescending manner.
Joey: It seems it is you who is not understanding, I am no mere champion-
Zoo Keeper: Yes, yes I’ve heard this all before. I made the mistake of letting Ronda Rousey pay to grapple with a chimp and the stupid bitch tried to make it ‘tap out’ with an arm bar.
Joey: and?
Zoo Keeper: It ripped her fucking face off.
Joey chuckled under his breath.
Joey: So, he is undefeated?
Zoo Keeper: Do you not understand-
Joey: Undefeated King of the Jungle. The monster of the animal kingdom, the undisputed champion amongst the animals. Brutus…it is settled. It is the most lucrative match in combat sports history. Joey Flash vs Brutus, WCF Champion vs WWF World Champion in a unification match. No disqualifications, only a pin or submission takes the victory…
Zoo Keeper: Idio-
Joey reaches below the desk and plonks a briefcase onto the table, spinning it in one adept move and unclipping it. The Zoo Keepers eyes almost jumped out of his skull.
Joey: Two million.
The Zoo Keeper simply smiled, closed the briefcase and pulled it toward him.
Zoo Keeper: It’s your funeral.
WCF vs WWF
The camera opens to the smiling faces of Zach Davis, Freddy Whoa and Gravedigger as they sit on a stage above the gorilla pen.
Zach Davis: Hello and welcome to a special WCF broadcast live from The Bronx Zoo where we will see in an amazing turn of events our new World Champion aiming to unify his title with World Wildlife Fund Champion ‘Brutus’. This promises to be-
Gravedigger: ‘WWF Champion?’ What the fuck even is this? He’s going to be fighting a fucking gorilla. Why are we even here? This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen here.
Zach Davis: Joining us tonight on our co-promoted broadcast, representing the WWF is “raYne.” Welcome raYne-
The camera zooms away from Zach Davis as we hear a blood curdling scream over the feed.
Freddy Whoa: AHHH GET IT OFF ME FUCK…MY EYE, OH GOD MY EYE-
We see a small, but very powerful chimpanzee with a headset on…for all intents and purposes skull fucking the colour commentator.
raYne: Ook Ook…EEK EEK EEEEEEEEEEK!
Davis and Gravedigger can only look on in horror as the chimp has its carnal way with the face of their broadcast partner, it finishes, fully satisfied…before slapping the shit out of the facially sodomized Freddy Whoa. Freddy collapses in a heap as raYne lands on top of him and flashes a wide happy chimpanzee grin at the camera. It sits down on the unconscious Freddy Whoa and looks at its new partners.
raYne: OOK!
Gravedigger: Well it’s colour already has more insight than Whoa, and it’s a fucking chimp.
raYne: EEK!!!!
Zach Davis: It seems that something is happening down in the ‘arena’. Let’s go there folks.
Mile Zero by Periphery hits as the WCF World Champion makes his entrance from one of the two doors on opposing sides. The pen has been cleared entirely for this event, leaving Joey currently alone in the middle of a raised grassy knoll, he holds a microphone above his head and then lowers it to his mouth before beginning to speak as the gathering crowd around the top stare down at him.
Joey: Welcome to Joey Flash era.
He smiles and opens his arms as the crowd begin to cheer.
Joey: I didn’t ask for this shit, I didn’t go around demanding this shit, this is not a labour of love, I didn’t go through a gauntlet of people to earn this, and look what happens, it just fell into my fucking lap. I was avoiding this title as courtesy to all the bums that populate this piece of shit federation, I wanted to avoid a year long reign of untouchable dominance where every world title match is as predictable as when Jared Holmes faces a credible opponent. Now the people who were so actively wanting this title when Price held it, the people that were coveting this shit are all of a sudden like Helen Keller up in this bitch. Open challenge, anyone who wants it you have it. Give me a challenge…and then pay me a million for me to pay attention to you, you fucking jobbers.
You guys in the crowd, let me hear you, Joey Flash is finally World Champion guys!
They cheer loudly as Joey gives a wave.
Joey: Yeah. Fuck you all.
The gathering crowd change their tune immediately; booing Flash with the same fervor they cheered him.
Joey: What exactly did you think was happening? That I’m some kind of people’s champion? That I’m fighting for the greater good? That *gasp* I’m fighting for you? Sorry. I am fighting a) Because I am good at it and B) Because it pays me well. That’s all. So sorry to disappoint. Now you’re stuck with a World Champion who doesn’t give a fuck about the belt he’s holding. It’s funny, because I’m going to bring the prestige of that belt back to where it belongs. Fuck these boring, by the numbers transitional faggots we’ve had for the last half a year. I’m going to show the federation what it feels like to have a real figurehead, I mean fuck, I’ve been that without the belt for nearly a year anyway so I guess the slipper fits. Let’s be real for a second here. The prestige of the belt is the sideshow to the real prize here. The next person to be World Champion will get to say they have beaten Joey Flash.
Want to know who has never beaten Joey Flash? No, no don’t answer yet, it's time for a fucking riddle, play along at home.
They claim to be Deep Blue, Joey Flash beats them in three moves
Their gimmick seems cool but what fucking demographic do they appeal to
They look for that cheap heat, crowds cheap ooh's, you’re so see through, it’s fucking deceitful
You need proof? Well let me teach you.
It's simple as shit, you faggots stick to the script like a read-through
‘JOEY I ATTACKED U, I AM NEXT WORLD CHAMP; UR KIDS DEAD LMFAO’ yep, that’s a preview
Oh what’s that? The towel that your team threw? Damn, if I slit your throat in the ring we still won’t lose, not even by DQ, getting bodied by Joey Flash every week that’s-
Crowd: BeachKrew!
The crowd claps in appreciation, then returns to booing Flash with vigour. He takes a bow and then begins ethering the worst group in WCF history.
Joey: So I went from fighting #BeachKrew, to fighting #BeachKrew to fighting…oh look it’s #BeachKrew. Beating you faggots is getting beyond tedious at this point. I’m cruising around a NewGame+ on easy mode how many times I’ve beaten you and how easily I dispatch you every time. Get this through your heads. You are not a threat to me, you never ever were. You had ten minutes of fame and five minutes of success while I was away, while I allowed it to happen. Now I have to bury you worthless fucks again. You’re like an abusive girlfriend the way you keep coming back here, what is it? Maybe this time it’ll be different, maybe he’ll change…nope I’m still gonna backhand slap you and you’re still going to leave a crying battered and mentally scarred mess. That’s just what happens.
Dustin Beaver you worthless fuckin bitch why do I have to face you every month? Is it in my contract? Did I sign something somewhere that says ‘Must fight metrosexual lower card wrestler every fourth week’? Why do you still continue this path? Every month you just get jobberkilled by the best in the business and to what end? I am fucking sick of this Dustin. Every time I beat you I get angry fan letters. Let me read for you, hang the fuck on.
Joey produces a scrunched up piece of paper from his pocket, unravels and begins to read.
“To Mr Joey Flash,
I hate how you bully Dustin, its not nice you are a horrible and nasty person I wish you nothing but bad thoughts and want you to either say nice things or say nothing at all or even better yet die because you dont deserve to breathe in fact you deserved your child dying I know that sounds awful but every bruise on Dustin’s beautiful face after facing you makes me feel like my own baby has died so I know where you live and I will hurt you if Dustin ever reads this letter he wont know it but yet but I will be married to him one day he is my destiny
R.Bilson”
I hate how you bully Dustin, its not nice you are a horrible and nasty person I wish you nothing but bad thoughts and want you to either say nice things or say nothing at all or even better yet die because you dont deserve to breathe in fact you deserved your child dying I know that sounds awful but every bruise on Dustin’s beautiful face after facing you makes me feel like my own baby has died so I know where you live and I will hurt you if Dustin ever reads this letter he wont know it but yet but I will be married to him one day he is my destiny
R.Bilson”
Joey: What a weird cunt.
Why do you even persist in this game Dusty? You’re categorically one of the biggest letdowns for your own team let alone for the federation. You were the next to blow, you were supposed to be the next big thing for BeachKrew, for the Television Title, you were dominating, you were smashing shit…then you went and got bodied by a monochromatic mongoloid. What is WRONG with you Dustin? I mean shit, at this point you’re just trolling yourself with your competition these days. There is no ladders to climb for you, there are no titles for you to work toward. You can’t beat the TV champ, we know that much after two attempts, you’d be lit up Hardcore or Internet, US Title? Please. I mean holy shit what, you’re going to reveal that surprise surprise you’re 1/4th Irish so you can fight for the International title…then get killed by Dagvald. This is the end of the line for you here Beaver. You had your chance, twice, and you fucking blew it.
Your ceiling is now determined, The Sorting Hat decrees ‘Midcard Filler for you ho ho ho’. There is no avoiding it anymore. You have no upward potential. I watch you flounder about from match to match and I chuckle to myself at how pitiful this really is.
However, things can get real in matter of seconds. Rabid, how’s it going? How’s the family? How’s the soul crushing emasculating return of Jared Holmes and your abysmal mid card career?
Damn Johnny, you must hate life right now. Let me tell you something, it will all be okay. It’s fine that you lost your tag team titles to a pair of absolute stiffs one of whom is my personal crusty spunk sock, it’s fine that you let yourself get punked alpha’d and your ‘leadership’ role taken away, it’s fine…
…if you’re a complete fucking bitch. You lost your tag team titles to GRAYSON PIERCE AND ANDRE HOLMES. Let that sink in for a moment. These are legitimately two of the worst people I have ever seen in this federation, and you lost to them. I could barely believe what I was seeing, you’re supposed to be the next up and coming star so what’s happening? Why you losing to bums bro? Riddle me this, did you lose and that then opened a pathway for you to succeed? Did it open some doors for you Johnny? Nope, that shit slammed shut straight in your ugly ass face. It goes from bad to worse for this guy though.
You were the leader of BeachKrew…but then back comes Jared aka Splinter aka Ratatouille and you’re there bending over like a bitch in heat. I mean fuck me. You were handpicked by your own manager as the leader and yet you did nothing but disappoint, then when a man is coming from your position, for your spot, for your prestige what did you do? Did you fight back? Did you question Jared? Did you war for the top spot like the two alpha males of a group? Nope, you did exactly what a bitch is supposed to do: nothing.
Where is the fight in you Rabid? Get mad, get crazy, lose a little bit of yourself, nominative determinism fuckstick, get RABID. Your name should be ‘Johnny Tameasfuck’ right now with how you’re acting; I’m embarrassed just watching you. Change your name to David Brent the amount of cringe you’re putting out each and every week. You talk such a big game but where is the action? I can’t even watch you these days. You’re running about attacking Dune when the very cancer to your own career is right by your side patting you on the head and telling you ‘Sick em boy!’
You are a fucking idiot. Two options.
1) Attack the most dominant World Champion in the past year and second biggest name in the company right now for some bizarre, unclear, made up ‘You spilled my coffee over me so let’s feud’ type bullshit trying to make a name for yourself, yet again, off someone else’s back.
2) Deal with the shit on your own doorstep. Tell that ratfaced fuck ‘No, not today’, slap the taste out of his mouth and prove to the world you are worth a damn. Prove to the world you are not a snivelling subservient coward, prove to the world you are a MAN.
From where I’m standing Johnny you are absolutely anything but. You’re even worse than Beaver, he destroyed his career but at least he fought, when called he failed with his actions, you are destroying yourself and your public image with your inaction. So now you’re starting to slink around Dune and by proxy, me trying to get some shine this way. Let me give you a little warning: this is not a fight you win. This is not the fight where you poke the bear and then manage to overcome it in a big final battle. This a fight where you poke the bear and it tears you to shreds. You are not good enough to see any Sentinel in the ring, Howard, John and especially not Dan, but hey, what do I know right?
Joey smiles.
Joey: I’m going to be there when you lose you know. When all hope is lost, when you’re hoisted up and about to receive that final Sandstorm, that epitaph for the disappointment that is your career, as you’re coughing and sputtering as you’re getting pinned for the 1…2…3…I’ll whisper in your ear:
‘Told you so.’
But hey, you won the Trilogy Cup Battle Royal right? Well done you. I can tell you right now what will happen with that: absolutely fuck all.
What I would do: Kyle Kemp vs Jared Holmes in the finals, before the match beat the shit out of Kyle Kemp, partner or not fuck him, right? This is your time. Take his place, then on the biggest stage of them all, in the biggest match of your careers show Jared Holmes that it was all a work from the start, that YOU have always been in control. That YOU are the leader of BeachKrew.
What you will do: Nothing, and no one will care, and you will fade into obscurity where you, your shit hair and your talent belongs.
This is the difference right there. See I won that same Battle Royal last year, now I’m a two time World Champion within a single year. I am heading to the Hall of Fame already and my career is just getting started.
You win this year? No one fucking cares. You’re going to amble through this year going from meaningless, unimaginative feud to unimaginative feud maybe getting a pity title on the way. Why?
Joey smiles.
Joey: You are a fucking eunuch.
So now we move on to the member of BeachKrew who has garnered the most acclaim and success over the past year, the member who is the only genuine contender for me at this point. I get it, you want this belt. So let’s talk about it.
Brofessor, you look like Ellen DeGeneres made a baby with Ellen DeGeneres. Why you think you can match up with Joey Flash is mindboggling to me, you bitch, you pussy you-
Oh wait, this is supposed to be the part of the promo where I give that neckbeard some attention isn’t it? Dude is mad hungry for this shit, I can tell…just by fucking looking at him. Wade, let’s not ignore the elephant in the room here – oh wait, we can’t, that’s you!
Joey smiles.
Joey: Why are you so hostile toward me Wade what’s the problem here? Look, I’ve got an idea why don’t I take you out; we can go to like Dairy Queen or something yeah? My treat. I’ll order a Sundae, you’ll order the rest of the week.
I won’t lie, I unblocked this guy just to see what shit he was talking about on his twitter page, motherfucker, why is every other status about some kind of different shit you’ve eaten?
@godnilla – Posted 12:58
Mmm just had lunch chicken was grate LMAO
@godnilla – Posted 14:15
Had some fish fillet, waffles, then steak LOL
@godnilla – Posted 17:05
Dat nightmare fuel, happy meal, cheese, fries + a twelve inch sub kill me now rofl
@godnilla – Posted 17:20
Eating some kfc right now cant wait lmfao
...that last one was only a fifteen minute fucking break. This fat motherfucker tried using the slap bracelet he got in the Happy Meal, and it just stayed straight. Bitch I bet your blood type is: O(H YEAAAAAAHH!). It’s okay Wade summer is coming up, your wardrobe is a killer, those loud shirts and shitty hats that’s the in thing, maybe I’ll even be kind and help you brush up on your style first. Maybe buy you a new shirt to go swimming in.
I don’t understand how you can be so large, really, I don’t get it, you do all the exercises anyone needs in life to maintain a healthy weight, I mean check it: in the morning he sits up, then drives over to KFC, orders some chicken nuggets, then does a set of dips with that.
Now you’re all wondering…Joey! Why you doing him like that? You’re killing this poor guy with only fat jokes why is that? Why? Because Wade, a fat joke is all that you are.
I don’t take you seriously as a person, I don’t take you seriously as a wrestler, I sure as shit don’t take you seriously as a man. You are everything wrong with this business. Let me let you in on a little bit of information junior. I am not going to fight you; I am never going to fight you. You keep on with this course of action, the boring, ho hum attacks with no rhyme or reason other than to get a rise and a reaction out of me. Let me tell you straight up: you pay me a million and I’ll fight you. Simple. I have no motivation to fight shitty wrestlers who won’t provide me with a contest in the ring; the least you can do is compensate me for the hospitalisation you want so badly. But hey Wade, you get me in the ring this week wowee. What are ya gonna do?
Answer: Lose.
You want relevance so badly, you want to Joey Flash rub so badly it’s fucking embarrassing at this point. How about this: work your way up, beat some contenders, create a buzz, create a clamour for this match and maybe we can get down to hashing out some business. But you can’t do that, can you Wade? I can tell you why. Because you don’t want to be exposed. At the moment people think of you as the crown jewel of BeachKrew, the best of the lot, the top tier guy, yet you and I both know, you’re not that. You’re third at best. In my opinion? You barely even crack the top five. So what you’re doing now are the last acts of a dying man, scratch that, of a lying man’s dying career, you were in the right place at the right time one time and that one meagre success is the reason you still try to belong. Reality check Wade, this is not the level you’re at. You want Joey Flash and a shot at the World Title, not because everyone else wants to see it, not because you have to prove anything to anyone else, because you want to prove it to yourself.
‘Am I good enough? Am I a real World Champion?’
Answer: You lost to Jayson Price, what the fuck do you think?
Joey smiles.
Joey: Now, I’ve killed these herbs too much already it’s making me feel uncomfortable how badly I’m annihilating them. It’s time for the main event of the evening let us begin. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? Let the games begin.
Joey releases his grip on the microphone. Answering Joey’s call the lights surrounding the ‘arena’ dim as Simon Says by Pharoe Monch begins blasting from the speakers. The door across from a stretching Flash begins to open up.
Kyle Steel: Introducing, he is the reigning, defending, undefeated WWF Champion of the World, he is ‘The Bareback Silverback’…BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTUS!!!!!!
The hulking gorilla stomps out of the gate with its gaze locked immediately on a foreign body in its enclosure, Joey continues to stretch as the gorilla approaches.
Zach Davis: Both competitors looking tentative right now…
Gravedigger: Tentative? The gorilla is about to kill him. I don’t even know if I want to watch. This is the single most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen a champion do.
raYne: OOK OOK!
Brutus begins charging toward Flash at a rate even the champ is surprised by, he quickly switches stance on to his toes and takes a step back to dodge the swinging club of a hand from the gorilla…only to be smashed squarely in the jaw. Flash is sent flying about ten feet backward with a sickening crunch.
Zach Davis: WOULD SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH?!
Brutus hammers at his chest and gives an almighty roar, it is only after five or so seconds that we see movement from Joey; he staggers upward before slumping back on the wall of the enclosure. We see in one single hit he has been damaged more than in any other contest in his career. Blood is trickling from his ears and his face is a mask of agony. He reaches a hand down to his side and winces at the pain of likely a fractured rib or two. Flash is breathing deeply already, he tries to get back into a fighting stance but the gorilla is charging again.
Zach Davis: My god, not like this.
Gravedigger: First Cairo to a volcano, now Flash to a gorilla…
The gorilla is closing in at a speed that Flash still can’t get a read on, its bounding lightning quick primate gait is so rapid all Joey can do is raise his arms in a cross arm block guard to try and minimise the impact to a non-fatal blow. Flash takes a deep breath as the gorilla lunges at him, it was nice while it lasted, you had a good run, you became World Champion but here it is where it ends…
...for you.
Zach Davis: HOLY FUCKING CUNTBALLS!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!
GRAVEDIGGERWHOSENAMEISCAPITALISEDTOSHOWTHEIMMENSENESSOFTHEMOMENT: WHAT WAS THAT?!
raYne: ZA WAURDOOOOOOOOO OOK OOK!!!!!
In the blink of an eye Brutus, the 500lb hulking mass of muscle, the ‘WWF Champion’ is flat on its back, completely unconscious. Flash, still labouring with his breath climbs on top of the gorilla and throws his fingers into the air.
1…
2…
3!!!
He struggles back to his feet and holds his hands aloft as the gathered crowd go, pun intended, ape shit.
Zach Davis: What did we just see?
Gravedigger: I have no idea what just happened.
Zach Davis: There is no need for explanations. What we saw last Sunday…this is the same feeling.
Gravedigger: ‘The World’.
raYne: EEK EEK!
Kyle Steel: Your winner…and now the undisputed, unified champion of the human and animal kingdoms he is the WCF and WWF Champion of the World…Joey Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!
Joey celebrates for a moment, soaking in the applause before calling for a microphone once more.
Joey: There…we…go. That’s what this shit is. This is where I currently reside. I’m in a stratosphere beyond anything you people can comprehend. It’s okay, on Sunday you witness something beautiful. The end of BeachKrew at my hand, with Wade’s head on my wall that’s the full set, I will have beaten every single one of your wrestlers and you will have barely made a scratch on my divine armour. But oh shit, what’s next, you’re sending the trump cards right? Brofessor Coach, Sandy Coconutz and Jim Thuggin coming next?! I’ll get rid of that alien like my name was Ellen Ripley…or Donald Trump.
This match is a fucking homicide. It’s been over since the day it was signed.
RIP IN PEACE BEACH CRUE. You are, you were, you always will be complete failures.
The World is watching, bodybags on deck. You’re finished.
