Everybody Loves A Little Black Beaver (Part 2: Eulogy)

[SickWaves Blackamura]

Fag Ridiculous: A eulogy for a retard 

Metal smacking into the earth can be heard as we see several costumed bros slamming the edge of their shovels into the ground, digging up chunks of dirt and rounding out a hole that is just deep enough to through a faggot’s body into. Black boots stand firmly planted, a gentle breeze flowing through a rather barren part of a graveyard near Dalls, Texas. Prince Lightskin sheds wave after wave of sarcastic, Oscar worthy tears as the members of #BeachKrew stand by his side.

Andre: It really is a damn shame. He just can’t resist, can he?

DB steps forward, dropping some flowers into the freshly carved out hole.

Andre: What do we have to say about Fag Ridiculous? Is there anything interesting about him that we can mention?

Beaver: Nah.

Andre: What about mentioning his talents?

Beaver: Andre...he...he doesn’t have any..

Andre: Surely he has some loved ones joining us here today?

#BeachKrew collectively hang their heads in sorrow and pity as the crickets chirp. #LOL

Andre: Well it appears as though I’ll be taking the lead on this one then.

He loudly clears his throat before continuing to speak.

Andre: It’s never good news to hear of someone’s passing and that’s why it brings me great sorrow to have to stand here with everyone today and speak on behalf of Fag Ridiculous, to share memories of the wonderful man that we’ve all come to know over these past couple months.

Silence returns before a smirk grows across Andre’s face and he let’s out a slight chuckle.

Andre: I’m sorry, man. I can’t, I just can’t do it. Fuck, I’d be here forever if I had to try to find something nice or even remotely positive to say about Mr. Fag Ridiculous, Fag Pooper, whatever it is this lame ass is calling himself nowadays. I don’t mean that “Dag’s a big meanie!” or anything like that, but rather that Fag just doesn’t have a fucking thing going for him. I been waitin’ awhile to verbally abuse this neckbeard’s apprentice and now that the time has finally come, I’m beyond to drop a eulogy to remember all over this bitch ass. In fact, if anybody deserves to be bullied until they put themselves in the fuckin’ ground, it’s this motherfucker.

Where do I start? How about the way that this man strolled into the company and thought that it was a good idea to mouth off to #BeachKrew? That’s all he’s really done since his arrival, just sacrificed himself to Poseidon himself. Shit, you basically dug this grave on your I knew ever since the cheap heat he attempted to grab himself with a couple of ill advised tweets callin’ ya boy a nigger as if that’s supposed to be some kind of serious blow to my confidence, as if that’s supposed to shake me in a way that shuts me down. Oh no, guys! The fuckin’ Eagle Scout called me a nigger! He really got me there, right? Right?! Nope. Truth is, I’ve been called worse by people who were far bigger threats than our buddy Fag and I took those motherfuckers down-

The prince snaps his fingers between words.

Andre: Just like that. It’s pathetic as fuck, bro. I know that Fag was lurkin’ on those internet boards, trying to process the butthurt and salt he’s felt from the constant display of superiority that #BeachKrew has shown over him. I can just imagine them fists all balled up, slamming into the side of his head as he cries in frustration like the autistic faggot we all know him to be. Just picture the full blown panic as he hit the red button, throwing a “nigger” here and a “nigger” there and not just as a casual shot, but as something that reads more like his pathetic attempt at a death blow to a young negro’s psyche.

Enough of that shit though, that’s really only a small part of why this man has me ready to drop that mean elbow to the temple on him. It’s not a shock or some shit that I enjoy makin’ white bread motherfuckers suffer. I take pride in systematically breakin’ down dudes like Fag and making them fall into deeper levels of depression. I make you hate you as much as I hate you. Now I’m not best friends with ZMAC, but that motherfucker got it. I remember when you was steaming like the little teapot that you are. That was because of ZMAC understanding how to break down people like you. You was comin’ in here, tellin’ him that he wasn’t shit and that he wasn’t doing much of anything by spamming them Shia claps and “#LOL suck my dick” jokes as you so lovingly put it, but you missed the point completely. He dumbed you down, softened you up. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now, because I’m not retarded. I got this shit on lock, bruh. You’re sittin’ around readin’ my Twitter replies like “What is this stupid nigger talking about?!” while I’m polishing my humerus, gettin’ it ready to fuckin’ crush you.

Continuing with my observations of your bullshit and the bullshit of your little “family”, how about the fact that you’ve done nothing but try to discredit everything that #BeachKrew has built before you even arrived here? Not only that, but you and your squad just had to hop on our nuts and do your best to imitate our greatness with that gay ass name change to Pooper and moving out to the swamp like you think you on that Wade Moor grind. It’s pathetic. Shit, these motherfuckers in The Pride are doing a better job as #BeachKrew wannabes than you are and they haven’t even competed yet! They’ve been for like a day, bruh! Maybe it would feel like flattery if you motherfuckers wasn’t so cringeworthy about it, but you’re all literally just the worst kind of knock off I’ve ever seen.

How long do you think it will be before you end up just like Twilight or Katherine SEAnix? How long before you get booted out of the “family” that you all try to claim is so close, so tight fuckin’ knit? Bullshit, bro. They probably just keepin’ you around so that they can keep the stable board page. #LOL We all know you too fuckin’ retarded to be able to go out and do all this shit alone, so you cling to this group of has beens and fellow never will bes just so you don’t gotta catch all the slack for sucking. You better never question the brotherhood that me and my homies got when your makeshift band of homos has been falling apart since day fuckin’ one. Show me how many motherfuckers we’ve had to boot in the last month? Go on, I’m waiting.

You act as if #BeachKrew has taken this massive shit, like we’ve just completely fallen off after a loss or two. How fuckin’ stupid are you, bro? Tell me how this adds up. We lose a few matches so suddenly, we’re the fuckin’ losers? All for losing a couple matches here and there, huh? Motherfucker, you guys barely have two or three wins in the month that you’ve been together! Check your fuckin’ math, neckbeard. Tell me, how successful has your little Team of Torture been since it’s formation? Morrigana is nothing, Charon is nothing, Twilight hasn’t been shit since returning, Logan has been a jobber for as long as anyone can remember and only holds the Final Destination briefcase because Massah Lerch practically handed that shit to him.

Then there’s you, Fag. You’re this special kind of retarded, a fetal alcohol lookin’ ass bitch who thinks that he can step to Mr. Black Massiah like you’ve got even the slightest clue how to hold your own with someone like me. Your claim to fame for the longest time was “almost” beating ZMAC with “original content”. You didn’t “almost” win shit, but you definitely jobbed out to someone who you ironically viewed to be a jobber himself. Now you throw up these pathetic attempts to get attention as you try to tell motherfuckers what they’re gonna do just because you beat Punkin Caliban for a championship that’s just barely recognized. Nobody is sayin’ “Oh shit, that’s Dag Riddik! He’s the international champion.” Nah bruh, it goes a little more along the lines of “Wait, what’s the international championship?” #LOL

Punkin Caliban, that’s who you beat. THAT is who YOU get to face. I went up against this “badass” new Sentinels team last week and that’s because I’m main event. Right out of the gate. I’m all the way up there at the top of the card while you’re little family continues to make zero fuckin’ impact anywhere on the card. Am I supposed to buy you and that consolation prize of yours? I don’t take you seriously, bruh bruh. That’s because you try to claim that you’re already the man when you’re really provin’ to be nothin’ but another motherfucker stuck in lower card hell. Not even jobber hell, I mean that notch just above it. Yeah, you might be better than guys like BioWalker or Yung Adam, but you ain’t even scratchin’ the surface of midcard relevance. Take a good look at who’s facing off for contendership for that jobber belt. It’s Nagasaki and Cormack MacNeill. That’s your level.

You’re lucky to face me, faggot. I’m doing charity work by working this match against you. Which is ironic since your career projection has you lookin’ terminal as fuck with your Make A Wish lookin’ ass. You better make sure to eat them vitamins and pray to The Based God, beg him to keep you safe even though he won’t. He watches over all of us, keeping track of the dank and the undank, separating it all out like lines of the purest nature. He sees right through your shit. You see, Fag, I’m a spiritual kinda guy. Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to ascend into the clouds where I sit with Yeezy and The Based God. We point, we laugh, we smoke up, and we smile at all of your misfortune and lack of actual talent.

The best part of this whole thing is where you tried to say that you were facing #BeachKrew’s B team this week and you know what, go ahead and think that. Keep telling yourself that, bruh bruh. You can pretend that Team Black Beaver ain’t shit, but what about when you get shit stomped by us? What will you have to say then? After you discredit us and try to say that we are insignificant, what will you have to say when you walk away with anything other than a victory? Are you gonna try to no sell me and Beaver shit stomping you just like you did when Wade Moor got all up in that booty? Good luck, bruh bruh. Shit will only work for so long. The whole DubSeaEff world has been realizing that you’re booty.

You’re all shaken up, ain’t you? I mean, this is it for you, bro. You’re getting an “opportunity” to face big time motherfuckers in me and Beaver and it’s nut up or shut up for Team of Faggotry. I’m not going to just embarrass you this week, I’m going to make you wish you could just fuckin’ croak. You’re about to feel the powah as I take the name Fag Ridiculous, a name that currently means very little and mold it into a symbol, a reminder of how fuckin’ dangerous I am to step in the ring with. Before this all goes down, take a look at what we’ve dug up here. This is for you, Fag Pooper. There’s no marker, just a hole in the ground where your career goes to rot and fade away into the land of forgettable faggots. The current is strong and you’re about to be the next person it takes with it. Have fun struggling for air.

Andre pounds his fist against his chest with a smirk as Kazoo Kid steps into frame, playing a final tune for Fag Ridiculous as the camera fades out.