Post by occulo on Feb 21, 2016 17:49:29 GMT -5
The heavy rain splashed off the sidewalk and accumulated in to the poorly maintained holes at the side of the road. There was a relative quiet, at least what quiet is defined as in this city. The amber streetlights bounced off every tiny body of water it could find. This late weekend peace however was soon disrupted by thousands of thrilled and highly satisfied spectators of Sunday night Slam. Young kids mimicked their favourite wrestlers of the night, shouting out their slogans to a clipped ear from Mom. Amongst the exiting euphoria stood a colossus. A giant of a man who looked anything but excited, or happy for that matter. Under his thick black hood we can just about make out a red bandanna. Without looking up, he moved like a glacier through the forest of people and leant up against a lamp-post. He reached in to his pocket and took out a small pipe made out of bone. With his other hand he took out a small hessian sack and emptied a bunch of dried red grass in between his thumb, index and middle finger. With a click of the fingers, the grass erupted in to a small flame. He put this in to the larger hole of the pipe and inhaled. He looked up to the dark, cloudy sky and released a single cloud of pink smoke into the atmosphere.
Itami: So disappointing
Occulo: You were expecting a clear night sky and a warm breeze?
Itami looked to his side and saw a stern Occulo staring up at him
Itami: No, Occulo, I expected a storm, instead a breeze is what I unfortunately received.
Occulo’s eyes frowned, and he nodded a couple of seconds later
Occulo: Yeah, well, it went a little different to how I expected too. So who are you? And why did you give me that cotton? I mean I’ve received some weir-
Itami inhaled deeply and blew another pink cloud, straight in to Occulo’s face. He coughed and spluttered, waving the smoke away from his face
Jesus…what the hell is that? Christ. Look, if you’re just looking to take the piss I swear I’ll-
Itami: Calm down my little wisp. Come, we have plenty to prepare for.
He shifted away from the lamp post and started walking slowly down the street, releasing pink puffs of smoke as if he were locomotive puffing down a track.
Occulo: What a goon.
A number of fans have gathered around Occulo with WCF merchandise and sharpies
Fan: Occulo! Oh my god can we get a selfie?!
Occulo smiles and puts his arm around a dark haired girl in a black Occulo hoody, who with a pout snaps a pic.
Thank you so much!
Occulo: You’re welco-
He feels a sharp tug on his coat from behind and is dragged down the street by Itami
Hey! Let go!! Damn it, okay! I’ll come with you, just explain to me who you are!!
Itami: I will. First we must go to Bonnie.
Occulo: Bonnie?
Itami: Yes. To say goodbye.
Occulo: Right
Occulo grabs Itami’s arm and pushes it off
Okay now you’re starting to threaten me. I am not moving an inch until you tell me who you are, or I’m calling the cops.
Itami: Hmm. So be it. Then autonomy it is my little wisp. Enjoy it.
He turns his back and slowly saunters away. Occulo tilts his head and grunts in frustration as he has no choice but to follow him. He hurries and stands in front of Itami, staring up at him again.
Oh, many an inch you have moved little wisp. Did the breeze catch you?
Occulo: Shut up. You obviously know a good amount about me. And I am not being unreasonable at all in wanting to know who you are. Please, tell me.
Itami empties his pipe with a small tap and places it snug in his pocket
Itami: My name is Itami. I am going to show you how to fight with the ancient artistry of the Single Cloud. But to do so, we must go far from here.
Occulo carries on staring, but his face grows with more and more interest, until it is piqued enough to enquire further
Occulo: Interesting. But why me? Why have you singled me out?
Itami: Because you train and fight alone, with a fighting style impossible to master. You have no attachments and most importantly, you have a good heart. You are young and full of and eagerness to fight at your very best. Akuma felt your presence all the way from Shirakawa. Our home.
Occulo: What? Felt my presence? Where’s Shirakawa?
Itami: Shirakawa is a small, peaceful village at the highest peak of the grand and sacred mountain of Haku, Japan.
Occulo: Japan?! You want me to go to Japan…
Itami: Yes.
Occulo: Why can’t you teach me here? You’re a master of it are you not?
Itami: My wisp, there is a great and sacred peace at Shirakawa. One can sit alone with only the sound and voice of the air, and the synchronising of the body. There is far too much distraction here in this suffocating, smothering country. Here, you will never
achieve the first state of the single cloud. It would be impossible.
Occulo thought about this…Itami was unlike anyone he had ever met before. He was like a movie character or something. Gandalf and Frodo. But Occulo felt a great and intoxicating aura of peace from him. It was like the peace he had just described was being radiated from him. What did he have to lose? He wasn’t exactly some out of breath, stinking promoter with dirty cigar in his mouth with his belly bursting out of his shirt shoving a fistful of dollars in his face…no, Itami was a real master, and Occulo wanted to learn.
Occulo: I’ll do it. I’ll come with you Itami. I feel a great deal of trust for you.
Itami nodded
Itami: Then we must go say goodbye to Bonnie. Not forever, but of course, you will be back before Sunday.
Occulo smiled and walked alongside his new master.
CUT
Bonnie took the news well, and just as he expected, she had nothing but optimism for this new chapter in Occulo’s career. The aura of peace that had enticed Occulo had drawn her in as well, and she too had a trust in Itami. With one last embrace they exited Bonnie’s building and stood outside on the street which was still being bombarded by the winter rain.
Occulo: So when do we leave? I-
Pretty much at an instant, Occulo was stood in a sun-drenched field being battered by a chilly wind. Behind him were great, grey mountains with a misty haze at their peaks. We see in the reflection of his startled eyes houses that varied in size, but were all made almost primitively of timber with thin A-shaped roofs. They were separated by lush green paths dissected with white gravel tracks.
Occulo: How…wait..is..is this?!
Itami: Is this what?h
Occulo looked up at him and released his tension. No, this wasn’t The Cold coming back to exact revenge on him. He did not feel a single ounce of animosity from Itami, and felt nothing but warm and comfort, oh and extreme confusion.
Occulo: How did we get here so fast??
Itami: Convenient isn’t it? Come, we have much to discuss
Occulo takes a single step forward before Itami stops and turns with a smile
Itami: Oh, and welcome to Shirakawa
They walked on and entered a large building that stood different to the others in that the timber was painted red, and the roof was thatched and black. The inside of the building was just one big room, with four red wooden pillars positioned as if corners of a square. The windows allowed the sun to pour in. Stood at the opposite end of the room to the entrance was Akuma, who was writing calligraphy into sand neatly tidied in to a 5x5 foot square with a stick. Next to him was a teapot and cup that was softly steaming away. He stopped and looked up at Occulo and Itami. He smiled widely and took a couple of steps forward.
Akuma: My…
Itami bowed, and Occulo did the same an awkward couple of seconds later
Itami: Akuma, this is Occulo
Akuma took another couple of steps forward and gazed upon Occulo’s form
Akuma: Yes, I see. He is…yes, a bit bulkier than I envisioned.
Occulo: Thanks I-
In one swinging motion, Itami swung his hand out and held it over Occulo’s mouth, who immediately shut up
Itami: Yes, he is certainly not afraid of tuning his body in order to match the beat, tempo and rhythm of combat.
Akuma: Quite
Akuma grabbed the collar of his long black coat and in one fell swoop, threw it towards his teapot and cup. It landed perfectly folded next to them.
Unsilence him
Itami moved his hand away
Akuma: Tell me Occulo, are you ready for your next battle?
Occulo’s face was stern. He gulped nervously and took a deep breath.
Occulo: My opponents this week are tough, but so are my partners…and so am I
Akuma closed his eyes and smiled slightly
Akuma: Hm
He rushed forward and planted a single index fingertip on his forehead. Occulo’s eyes widened as suddenly all his lethargy from Slam disappeared and he felt fully rested and alert as if he just had nine hours of heavy sleep.
Occulo: Woah…
Akuma stood back and turned his attention to Itami, who was standing patiently with his hands behind his back
Akuma: Itami. I believe Occulo needs an introduction in to the lost art of Single Cloud. Don’t you?
Itami brought his hands forward and like Akuma, threw his coat down into a neatly folded pile by his side revealing his incredibly muscular form. Brick shithouse. The Incredible Hulk looked like one of Itami’s turds in comparison.
Occulo: Christ…
Akuma and Itami stood in the centre of the room, with Occulo staring down the midway point in the thirty foot gap between them. He felt a great tension, purely in the excitement of seeing these two spar off. He had never heard of this type of martial art, let alone experience two masters going at it. Akuma slowly lifted one hand.
Akuma: Fool
He quickly lowered it releasing a gust of wind that blasted Occulo with a great deal of force in to the wall behind him. His head flung back and cracked against the timber, causing him to lose consciousness instantly.
Itami: Hmph
Akuma walked over to him and looked down at his body
Akuma: It is only as expected Itami. Not having a master has stripped him of any discipline or respect. He has a very long way to go before he witnesses Single Cloud in its full majesty.
Itami: What shall I do with him Master Akuma?
Akuma: Take him to his dormitory, and be there when he wakes up.
Itami: Yes
Itami lifted Occulo’s body on to his shoulders with immense ease and faced Akuma
Itami: Are you certain he is capable Master?
Akuma: I sensed him from across a vast ocean Itami, and when I did, it was like the first day of sun after a year of rain. Trust me. He is the answer.
Itami looked on with scepticism as we
CUT
A burning flake of wood arched through the air as we pan slowly across to a large roaring fire in the middle of the village. Night had fallen on Shirikawa, and as is tradition, the whole village ate together as one around the flames. A young man with shoulder long, straight dark hair approached the fire, causing the residents to cease their conversation and clap excitedly. The man was wearing nothing but dark shorts made out of deer hide, and tattoos in Japanese characters (we see subtitles at the bottom of the screen which read “Sky burn bright, when the answer sings at night”. In his hands are a very large, ancient, stone vase painted in red with a single cloud above the village which depicts a scene identical to the one we see, the burning fire with the villagers gathered around it. The villagers murmur excitedly and gasp in great wonder at the sight of the vase, as if it were their holy grail. He very carefully rested the vase on the ground.
Man: In the flames tonight we burn our worry, fear and uncertainty. In the flames tonight we burn the exhaustion and the pain of our scholars as they scribe endlessly. In the flames tonight we illuminate the millennia long part of the question that has until now been in the shadows.
He stops talking and the crowd turn their heads to Akuma, who is stood up with authority
We cut to Occulo awakening in his dormitory with Itami waiting patiently.
Occulo: What…what happened?
Itami: Worry not. You were tested by Akuma. A test you failed, but were expected to.
Occulo: Oh…what was this test exactly?
Itami: That you are devoid of discipline. You are far from the stage where you can witness us fight. But we need not concern ourselves with this now. Come, they are waiting for you.
Occulo: Waiting for me? Who?
He jumps down from his bed and follows Itami out the door.
Akuma: He comes
Itami leads Occulo towards the fire. The crowd all stand and cheer, parting to clear a space for him.
The man with the tattoos, Kasai, takes Occulo’s hand and leads him closer to the fire. Occulo squints as the heat grows and grows in intensity. He starts to resist, and Itami rests a hand on his shoulder.
Itami: Do not fear, this is just the beginning, my little wisp
Occulo nervously nods and takes very small steps towards the flames. Kasai walks towards the centre of the fire, much to Occulo’s horror.
Kasai: Come.
He nervously gulps and steps on to the flames…but they do not burn him. His squinting eyes open up in amazement, and he takes another step to bring him to the centre with Kasai. The crowd stand in immense anticipation and look on with intense focus and expectation. Kasai slowly brings his hands up and curves his fingers slightly, so they form a bowl shape as his hands touch. Occulo stares in to his eyes, until Kasai nods and moves his eyes towards his hands, motioning him to copy. He cautiously obliges, and some of the flames accumulate in his hands.
Now, drop the flames in to the vase. Go.
Occulo nods nervously and turns around. He slowly walks over to the vase with a priceless facial expression. “What the hell is going on, and why am I not covered in third degree burns?”. As he exits the flames, the fire in his hands transforms in to a white, puffy cloud. He reaches the vase and carefully drops the cloud in to it. There are about twenty seconds of absolute silence and incredible tension like the final and deciding action of a sports final.
Akuma: Yes!
Out of the vase shoots a jet of steam, and with this the crowd absolutely erupts into raptures. Occulo stares up as the jet shoots high in to the sky and eventually accumulates in to a single beautiful, brilliant, and bright white cloud which hovers as still as a mill pond above the village.
Occulo: Wow
Itami approaches him and rests a proud hand on his shoulder
Itami: You are the answer after all, my little wisp
Occulo smiles proudly as the villagers begin celebrations. A small band of them start playing flutes and drums as others dance along.
Kasai walks up to Occulo with a cup made of bone filled with a dark red liquid.
Kasai: Occulo, tonight we drink. Tonight we celebrate. Tonight we dance under the glory of the single cloud.
Occulo nods and takes the cup from him, and swallows a mouthful of the liquid.
Occulo: That’s amazing, what is it?
Akuma walks up with two cups of the same drink and hands one to Itami, and holds the other one a loft.
Akuma: This is a wine that is made from grapes that grew the last time this great cloud hung above the village. As soon as first light hits, the sun shines through the cloud and the grapes grow through the ash of the fire, and with these comes this wine.
Occulo: So how old is this wine?
Akuma: Two thousand and twenty three years old
Occulo almost spits his mouthful out in shock but just about resists.
Occulo: That’s…that’s vintage.
Akuma: Only the new student and the master may consume the wine in all its glory. It tastes like putrid water to anyone else.
Occulo: Oh, well, I’m honoured. Thank you Akuma, and thank you Itami for this…really bizarre opportunity.
Akuma: You are most welcome
Akuma and Itami take a couple of sips of the wine
Occulo: I still have many questions though.
Akuma smiles
Akuma: Occulo, please, tonight is not about questions, tonight is about the one answer. So please, release your apprehension and celebrate.
Occulo: Got it
Akuma raises a single hand and he and Kasai walk to join the rest of the villagers
Itami…
Itami: Yes?
Occulo: They keep calling me the answer…which…I have to ask…what is the question?
Itami’s face becomes one of concern for a few seconds, and then he smiles widely and simply stares up at the cloud. Occulo shakes his head and stares upwards too. His initiation was complete, and he still had a million and one questions. But he decided to take Akuma’s advice and enjoy the night, for he had no idea when this happy and joyous atmosphere would be felt again, but he knew as long as that single white cloud sat above the village and he felt the peace with Itami, everything was going to be just fine. Hard, but fine. He felt ready and incredibly excited to learn everything about this new culture. He felt like he belonged, and that, in all its rarity for him, felt quite beautiful.
CUT
The next day, and the village, which normally by this time would be a hive of activity, is deadly silent. The fire smoulders away with exhausted wisps of smoke. Occulo however, has had no time to rest a hangover. He and Itami are stood a few feet apart. Occulo wears thick black knee high shorts, which consists of tightly wrapped nylon attached with strips of bamboo and sewn up with thread. He also wears a black, short sleeved gobok top with a cloud shaped emblem on the right hand side of his chest in white. Itami is wearing a similar outfit, but the rims of shorts and gobok are a bright yellow colour. It’s a still, cloudy day with no wind at all, which means the billowing smoke of the fire has filled the air. The beautiful white cloud sits on its own with a moat of blue sky around it, separating it from the rest of the clouds.
Itami: Tell me wisp, your professional fighting, how does it work?
Occulo: How does it work?
Occulo felt a pang of confusion, does he really not know this?
Well you just beat the crap out of your opponent in whatever way works best, so you can pin them to the mat with their shoulders down for a count of three. Or you can put them in a hold with the aim of getting them to tap out.
Itami: Interesting
He rushes forward and lands a single left hook to the jaw of Occulo, who flops to the ground. That was like being punched in the face by a train. Itami drops to his knees and holds Occulo down.
Itami: 1, 2, 3.
Occulo holds his jaw with a grimace
Occulo: Yeah like that…
Itami gets to his feet, helping Occulo up in the process.
Itami: Attack me. Allow me to feel your full force.
Occulo nodded and ran straight at Itami, landing a left hook followed by an elbow to the throat. A vicious elbow to the throat. He follows it up with a knee to the gut, but Itami doesn’t buckle. Instead he just stands unfazed.
Occulo: …
Itami: Pointless
Occulo: Pointless?
Itami: Indeed. Your attack is pure muscle. There is no energy behind it. It is just pure opportunity.
Occulo: Alright
Itami: The elbow to the throat, it is designed to render me incapacitated. Intended to crush my windpipe yes?
Occulo: Correct. I call it the oesphagu-
Itami: What you called it, forget it. Your moves are material. They are substance. They are channels of monetary gain. Your technique needs to transcend that, and to understand this, you will begin your first session of training.
Occulo smiles and clenches his fist
Occulo: I’m ready
Itami: I want you to stand under the cloud for twenty four hours
Occulo’s fists unclench and his excited face turns in to one of disappointment
Occulo: Are you…why?
Itami: You need to feel it. The cloud is aware of you but has not yet connected with you. Once you are connected to it, you’ll understand why I have asked you to do this.
Occulo: Fine. I’ll do it.
They walk in to the centre of the village under the cloud
Itami: Now, I shall return in one day from now. Do not move from that spot. Connect, understand, breathe.
Itami nods and walks away, entering a nearby house. Occulo sighs and stares up at the cloud which is still almost glowing a perfect, sheet-white colour.
He had plenty of time to think. To think about his opponents on Sunday night. Jared Holmes, Andre Aquarius and John Gable. What a perfect time for him to…voice his opinion.
Occulo: Fuckin Beachkrew. Sorry Beachkrew. Sorry #beachkrew. Now I know it is your intention, but you are by far the most ANNOYING pieces of shit I’ve ever known in this company. You’re even more annoying than Katherine Phoenix. Now that’s an accolade you should be proud of. Because holy shit she is painful. So what have we learned from you? We’ve learned that if your name can be made in to a pun that has anything do with the sea, you’re in, and you have to shove it down our throats. You’re fucking genius. Do you know what you really are? Look out, C-bomb, sorry, sea-bomb coming up, you’re just a total set of cunts that preach domination but fold when you face something even remotely competitive. I mean do you honestly think you’re going to compete with us on Sunday? We’re a far stronger team and all your sea puns and hashtags won’t stop your bleeding.
Jared, the thing that drives me to insanity with you is wondering why, oh why are you wasting your time with that band of pricks? You’ve proven that you are immensely talented and if you ran this marathon alone you’d probably dominate.
But that’s not the case. Instead we have this utterly ridiculous person who is like some kind of bukkake, red cheeked slut whose mind has been irreparably corrupted. Your name is whoever they fucking say your name is, and that changes with a dickslap across the face. Some megalomaniac called Jim Thuggin appears from some equally fucked up background and decides “yeah, they look weak-minded enough to go to a wrestling federation and create and lead a group of childish miscreants who somehow dominated. So you now go by the name of “6ix God”. Yeah, right, okay. You see yourself as a God. Fuck that’s original Jared. Maybe I’ll be a god too. How the fuck you can be considered a god when all you do is run a little band of men in some random wrestling federation is quite extraordinary. There are managers at the burger joint down the road that are further up in the hierarchy than you. You’re just not what you think you are. You’re not. I mean I could at least give you some credibility if BeachKrew held all the titles. If there was a trophy cabinet (which would probably be floating on some crude, inflatable, brightly coloured desert island in a child’s paddling pool) filled with belts that the rest of the WCF cannot touch because you are just THAT dominant. Fucking not the case is it? You’ve failed miserably so far. You’re nowhere near the level of power that you are so adamant in having. And you know what Jared? Do you know the irony? Here’s a fucking sea analogy for you, you’re the anchor which is weighing your galleon down and stop it getting anywhere in its seven-seas quest for the treasure in the world of the WCF. You’re David Moyes at Manchester United. A man who has won fuck all trying to lead a trophy laden team to further glory.
What makes you a laughing stock Jared, is that you stand there and claim to have all this power, all of this supernatural power, but there’s just nothing there to show for it. And the guy, the guy who I’ve bested on many occasion, Oblivion, has more accolades than you. Why isn’t he in charge? As much as a jobber he is, he makes you look like that young new manager in the office who because he’s been to Harvard and his Daddy sits upstairs, he thinks he knows it all and goes around throwing his weight around, but as soon as his back his turned his team snort derisively at just how utterly clueless he really is. Oblivion sat there with a wealth of knowledge and experience, wondering why this “new blood money” is in charge and not him…and the nepotism of it all enrages him but he thinks “why bother complaining, I’ll just nod and agree”. Funny you didn't kick Oblivion out because of how much he sucked in fact the opposite, he left because of how much YOU guys sucked. He got sick and tired of being led by a clueless manager and jumped the sinking ship. Hilarious stuff, a jobber ditches a team of people who regard themselves as the utterly dominant force in the company
"LMFAO."
I’m looking forward to Sunday Jared. I’m looking forward to staring in to the eyes of a man who calls himself a god. What do you want me to feel when this happens Jared? Fear? Hopelessness? Futility? Fuck off, the only challenge when I do this will be to stop me laughing at just how much you’ve failed. Does your team laugh so much on the internet forums because if they didn’t they would cry at how desperate their careers have become? Command and Conquer? Red Alert BeachKrew, he couldn’t command a sheep in to a field. You’re a joke. One of the WCF’s great stories about a guy who cannot grasp the concept that in a wrestling federation, power comes from success and success comes from belts. Nothing else. Do you know who I would consider a god in this company Jared? Let me throw some names at you:
Torture
Jayson Price
Corey Black
Odin Balfore
Bobby Cairo
Jonny Fly
Oh and you’ll like this one…Oblivion.
6ix God? How about stupid deluded cunt whose presence is as Godly as Tommy Wiseau’s in the Oscars Hall of Fame. You and him should get a Room and argue over what was the bigger waste of the time, BeachKrew vs that film. He’d body you just as severely as we’re going to body you on Sunday. You came seeking destruction and dominance and surrounded yourself with mediocrity. You want real power, get actual destroyers in your team. You want to bring the WCF tower down into a pile of debris? Get explosives in your team. Instead of Kemp, Rabid and…Sandy Coconutz, get some people who have been there and done that, who know what it means to dominate by their sheer presence alone. The irony is that you are facing people who do and have done exactly that. How totally disappointing. All you and your little minnows are good for is thinking you’re hilarious on Twitter.
"#fuccbois LMAO"
Wow. The fear you instil. However will we even have the courage to walk down to the ring and face these guys who promote themselves like 11 year olds on some online chat. The joke of your men just rolls on and gets funnier.
“I AM JARED HOLMES, THE OMNIPREDATOR, THE CHOSEN ONE, MEN, SEEK AND DESTROY THE WCF”
“Okay boss #LMFAO #LMAO #LOL #FUCCBOI #SHIPWREKD”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES, I CAN FEEL THE WCF SHAKE AS IT CRUMBLES UNDER OUR INCREDIBLE POWER”
My advice to you Jared, you absolute embarrassment, is to put down the keyboard and pick up a belt. That way someone might respect you, someone might fear you, and someone may even give a fuck about BeachKrew. Until then, hashtags and juvenile acronyms are literally all you have. You should call yourselves TwitterSquad, because even that sounds less stupid than what you call yourselves now.
So when shall we expect the implosion Jared? How long will it be before BeachKrew’s embarrassing lack of belts becomes a problem where the arrow of blame points directly at you? It’s going to be a truly wonderful event, and it’s a question of when and not if. You’re not going to last forever, and you’ll be forever known as the man who couldn’t get the job done. The Sentinels are keeping their trios titles Jared, whether you like it or not, and we will always be so many steps ahead of you. Jim Thuggin will wish he shoved the coathanger up Mama Holmes and aborted you before you could let him down in the worst way possible.
So who have you blessed yourself with in this match Jared? Who will carry the flag of BeachKrew into battle and win some badly needed silverware?
Andre Aquarius. Wow. Remember the mediocrity we discussed earlier? Here’s a prime example of it. Some random frat boy who needed something edgy about him so he decided to be a racist. Not exactly the cream of the crop are you Andre? You fit right in to the Jared Holmes and BeachKrew mould, some failing wrestler hiding behind other failing wrestlers trying to get as much attention as possible on the internet forums. So what are you Andre? What reason do I have to be wary of you? Good question, what reason do I have to be wary of some retard stoner?
Nope.
Nothing.
Do you like that word Andre? Nothing. It’s what you’ve based your entire existence on.
What’s Andre doing today? Nothing.
What will Andre achieve today? Nothing
What will Andre achieve tomorrow? Nothing
What will Andre EVER achieve? Nothing
What should the man who shoved his cock in to his mother’s vagina emitted in to it? Nothing
What will Andre’s grave read when he dies? Nothing
Do you get my point Andre? Whilst you may think you have everything right now you actually have…nothing. You wanna get high Andre? Do it, get as high as you possibly can on the top of a tall building and jump off it your death. What will be left on the sidewalk when you land? Nothing. No guts. Just a small hairline crack where the weight of your abject failure of being a credible human being makes impact. You made me howl when you said I was “rubbing my hands” trying to plot against you. Absolutely hilarious stuff Andre. Why the fuck would I waste my time with BeachKrew? I am trying to climb up the ladder here Andre, not down. You stupid, stupid little child. You proved the absolute extent of your brainpower when you called Joey “Joey Macaroni”. Holy fuck. That is cringeworthy. In an attempt to put down your opponent you’ve actually managed to put yourself down far, far further. It’s so laughable. And you don’t even realise it do you? I think one day BeachKrew will have a mental disability named after them. A brain disorder where every time they speak their brains drop about a decade in its mental age. Is your leader called 6ix God because anyone with a brain over the age of six isn’t allowed in? Sure seems like it. But the addition that you offer Andre, is that your lifestyle never advanced to a level above of a child’s either. You’ve always just sat stewing in your own filth. Always just sat there devoid of an original thought, happy to just follow others because you’re too underdeveloped to make your own decisions and too stupid to realise that you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are going nowhere fast.
So as if you weren’t absolute pure plughole scum enough, you’re a racist. But no, you can’t even do THAT right. You’re racist against people of the same race. Fuck sake Andre. You going to be a gay homophobe next? Are you going to dress as a priest and become a bible basher? You’re just….erghh…you’re just absolutely mind numbingly painfully STUPID. You make Ultimate Destroyer look like a Harvard professor. And I know how utterly ridiculous THIS sounds, and even when I’m trying to get THIS point across I almost can’t say it, but it is so very true…you make Katherine Phoenix look like Steven fucking Hawking, and you look like him WITHOUT the supreme intelligence. You’d be much better off totally paralyzed in a wheelchair. No really, you would. Not just for your own good, but for us all. This level of stupidity needs to be contained in an inanimate shell. Sadly that’s not the case. There’s a big pile of flesh out there that has done absolutely nothing with its existence, a waste of space and oxygen, it has never even tried to do anything that could be classed as necessary, and when that pile of flesh decided it would try and desperately claw at attention by being a racist, it totally fucked that up too, and that big pile of walking evolved hybrid of spunk and egg is called Andre Aquarius. You’re like a little asteroid in space. Just aimlessly floating around. Just about big enough to be defined as something, but far too small and insignificant to do nothing but just burn away, perhaps as an instant streak of light in the sky where a couple looking up at the sky on a romantic evening would look up and say
Man: Oh look, Andre Aquarius’s career, make a wish
Woman: Wish made
Man: What was it?
Woman: I’m not telling you
Man: Aw go on
Woman: Okay fine, I wished that you would stay infertile, solely because there’s a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that our child could be
even remotely like Andre Aquarius
Man: That’s so thoughtful. I love you.
Then they have rampant sex and its fine when he orgasms and fires a blank, because that blank is worth far more than that blank between your fucking ears. See you on Sunday, unfortunately.
John Gable, my god the theme of failure is absolutely fucking rampant isn’t it. In fact let me rephrase that. Start again. The theme of failure is more rampant through BeachKrew than BeachKrew is rampant through the WCF. I don’t really understand why you’re here John. FAILED as an actor so you became Jared’s bodyguard. Oh. What a totally shit fall back. I’d rather fall back on to a landmine. So why did you fail as a film star John? Were you not convincing as a human being? Well that hasn’t improved has it? What a shit life.
Maybe you’ll make a film of your own one day. “BeachKrew: The Film”. That would be great wouldn’t it? What genre would it fall under? Greek Tragedy perhaps, with the tag line “Greek God Jaredus attempts to conquer the empire of Wochawr but realises he actually needs a decent army to do this, will his delusion and small band of miscreants get the better of him?” Nah, it definitely would be a comedy. Slapstick. John Gable as John Gable, Morgan Freeman as Andre “Black man racist against blacks” Aquarius, and…fuck it Tommy Wiseau as Jared Holmes. That would be great. It’d headline a terrible movie marathon on some shit channel like Miramax.
Sharknado
The Room
Birdemic
BeachKrew: The Film
That would be your finest hour, because you wouldn’t even have to act! If only you could get someone to play you in the ring, then you wouldn’t even have to fight. But hey ho, you have to do something you’re terrible at sometimes, and sad enough for you, it’s what you get paid to do.
You had a damn good run as TV Champion and then that’s it. The end of the career as John Gable. So how much is he paying you Gable? How much is he paying you to protect…a God? Sigh…so stupid. Since when did a God need a bodyguard. Doesn’t a God exist on the premise that it is incredibly powerful and able to destroy something in an instant? The Alpha and the Omega? Nah not this one, 6ix God needs a fucking bodyguard. And not even a real bodyguard, bodyguard that was once an actor. OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THE FARCICAL COMEDY OF BEACHKREW END? I mean are you lot actually taking the piss? I know this place has a lot of ridiculousness in it but you lot just take it to a whole new level. I mean, you’re just a collective of people who have all failed miserably in life led by a man so bored and pitiful that a midget with a beard probably got a couple of dollars in a dare to see if he could create a wrestling stable based on the fucking sea.
I want to know more about the mechanics of the role of Gable in this match. So what happens, when Jared gets tagged in do you also climb through the ropes and just stand in front of him? Or do you sit on the turnbuckle, wait for a punch to be thrown and dramatically dive in front of it? I mean you can’t just stand on the other side of the ropes and watch me beat the crap out of him can you? Otherwise you’d be…failing as a bodyguard. Oh my. You’ve actually cornered yourself into a career that you can’t actually physically do. Why hasn’t Jared replaced you with one of the more established members of BeachKrew? Would he even let you take a pin? Do you protect Aquarius as well? What if Joey is laid unconscious in the ring and you’re the legal man, but Jared is getting savagely attacked outside the ring by Dune, and Aquarius is probably stoned or unconscious elsewhere…what do you do? Do you save Jared or pin Joey and win the belts? You’d save Jared, Joey would get back up hit Pain is Love whilst you’re distracted, roll you back in the ring and bang, we win. You’ve done your job but let BeachKrew down. So…really…you’re a liability to BeachKrew aren’t you? They would be much better off without you, and, therefore, it would be better for BeachKrew if their “God” could ACTUALLY LOOK AFTER HIMSELF AND NOT NEED A FUCKING BODYGUARD.
Honestly, just taking this moment to reflect has really opened my eyes on you BeachKrew. People hold you in high regard but really, when you actually stop and think, you’re just another mess of a wrestling stable. Just another bunch of people who found solace in each other because nobody else cares enough to help them. You’ve created this grand delusion, this satanic extra-terrestrial origins…thing, which you’ve fabricated to be as unbelievable and hard to understand as possible to mirror your own sheer lack of understanding of your own lives. You created ridiculous name puns as if you are hiding behind this new “gimmick”. You’re just a bunch of AA members who decided to write a play that just got more and more ridiculous as the sudden sobriety took its cold turkey effect on your minds. Your role models in life let you down so harshly and severely that you had to follow a man who tipped over an edge that you are all so quickly moving towards. You might consider yourself a God Jared, but a God of four or five men is just a guy that the others are too lazy to talk back to. You cannot succeed in the ring together, so you dumb yourselves down to a time when responsibility wasn’t a thing that existed in your lives, to your childhood. You use child-like language and create this playground “beach” in your minds, you call it “krew” instead of “crew” because that’s how the cool kids do it isn’t it? These are grown men who are still using acronyms like LMFAO when they just don’t have the intelligence…or motivation to form a coherent argument. They live in fear that if the group disbands, they’d have to make it on their own.
They can’t be bothered, and such is their lives. This is sad. This is pitiful. This is BeachKrew.
Occulo took a deep breath and sat on the ground, before laying back and simply staring at the cloud. His mind felt extremely open. He started to feel connected to it. He started to understand, just. Only another twenty-three and a half hours to go…and then back home, and then back to Slam. Joey Flash and Dune were just as fiercely against BeachKrew as he was, and together, they’d leave them absolutely no chance. The Sentinels were going to rise and leave those hashtagging cunts to ruin. Jared Holmes, Andre Aquarius, John Gable were going to be responsible for bringing their own stable name in to humiliating shame…and Occulo, Dune and Joey are going to thoroughly enjoy it.
Itami: So disappointing
Occulo: You were expecting a clear night sky and a warm breeze?
Itami looked to his side and saw a stern Occulo staring up at him
Itami: No, Occulo, I expected a storm, instead a breeze is what I unfortunately received.
Occulo’s eyes frowned, and he nodded a couple of seconds later
Occulo: Yeah, well, it went a little different to how I expected too. So who are you? And why did you give me that cotton? I mean I’ve received some weir-
Itami inhaled deeply and blew another pink cloud, straight in to Occulo’s face. He coughed and spluttered, waving the smoke away from his face
Jesus…what the hell is that? Christ. Look, if you’re just looking to take the piss I swear I’ll-
Itami: Calm down my little wisp. Come, we have plenty to prepare for.
He shifted away from the lamp post and started walking slowly down the street, releasing pink puffs of smoke as if he were locomotive puffing down a track.
Occulo: What a goon.
A number of fans have gathered around Occulo with WCF merchandise and sharpies
Fan: Occulo! Oh my god can we get a selfie?!
Occulo smiles and puts his arm around a dark haired girl in a black Occulo hoody, who with a pout snaps a pic.
Thank you so much!
Occulo: You’re welco-
He feels a sharp tug on his coat from behind and is dragged down the street by Itami
Hey! Let go!! Damn it, okay! I’ll come with you, just explain to me who you are!!
Itami: I will. First we must go to Bonnie.
Occulo: Bonnie?
Itami: Yes. To say goodbye.
Occulo: Right
Occulo grabs Itami’s arm and pushes it off
Okay now you’re starting to threaten me. I am not moving an inch until you tell me who you are, or I’m calling the cops.
Itami: Hmm. So be it. Then autonomy it is my little wisp. Enjoy it.
He turns his back and slowly saunters away. Occulo tilts his head and grunts in frustration as he has no choice but to follow him. He hurries and stands in front of Itami, staring up at him again.
Oh, many an inch you have moved little wisp. Did the breeze catch you?
Occulo: Shut up. You obviously know a good amount about me. And I am not being unreasonable at all in wanting to know who you are. Please, tell me.
Itami empties his pipe with a small tap and places it snug in his pocket
Itami: My name is Itami. I am going to show you how to fight with the ancient artistry of the Single Cloud. But to do so, we must go far from here.
Occulo carries on staring, but his face grows with more and more interest, until it is piqued enough to enquire further
Occulo: Interesting. But why me? Why have you singled me out?
Itami: Because you train and fight alone, with a fighting style impossible to master. You have no attachments and most importantly, you have a good heart. You are young and full of and eagerness to fight at your very best. Akuma felt your presence all the way from Shirakawa. Our home.
Occulo: What? Felt my presence? Where’s Shirakawa?
Itami: Shirakawa is a small, peaceful village at the highest peak of the grand and sacred mountain of Haku, Japan.
Occulo: Japan?! You want me to go to Japan…
Itami: Yes.
Occulo: Why can’t you teach me here? You’re a master of it are you not?
Itami: My wisp, there is a great and sacred peace at Shirakawa. One can sit alone with only the sound and voice of the air, and the synchronising of the body. There is far too much distraction here in this suffocating, smothering country. Here, you will never
achieve the first state of the single cloud. It would be impossible.
Occulo thought about this…Itami was unlike anyone he had ever met before. He was like a movie character or something. Gandalf and Frodo. But Occulo felt a great and intoxicating aura of peace from him. It was like the peace he had just described was being radiated from him. What did he have to lose? He wasn’t exactly some out of breath, stinking promoter with dirty cigar in his mouth with his belly bursting out of his shirt shoving a fistful of dollars in his face…no, Itami was a real master, and Occulo wanted to learn.
Occulo: I’ll do it. I’ll come with you Itami. I feel a great deal of trust for you.
Itami nodded
Itami: Then we must go say goodbye to Bonnie. Not forever, but of course, you will be back before Sunday.
Occulo smiled and walked alongside his new master.
CUT
Bonnie took the news well, and just as he expected, she had nothing but optimism for this new chapter in Occulo’s career. The aura of peace that had enticed Occulo had drawn her in as well, and she too had a trust in Itami. With one last embrace they exited Bonnie’s building and stood outside on the street which was still being bombarded by the winter rain.
Occulo: So when do we leave? I-
Pretty much at an instant, Occulo was stood in a sun-drenched field being battered by a chilly wind. Behind him were great, grey mountains with a misty haze at their peaks. We see in the reflection of his startled eyes houses that varied in size, but were all made almost primitively of timber with thin A-shaped roofs. They were separated by lush green paths dissected with white gravel tracks.
Occulo: How…wait..is..is this?!
Itami: Is this what?h
Occulo looked up at him and released his tension. No, this wasn’t The Cold coming back to exact revenge on him. He did not feel a single ounce of animosity from Itami, and felt nothing but warm and comfort, oh and extreme confusion.
Occulo: How did we get here so fast??
Itami: Convenient isn’t it? Come, we have much to discuss
Occulo takes a single step forward before Itami stops and turns with a smile
Itami: Oh, and welcome to Shirakawa
They walked on and entered a large building that stood different to the others in that the timber was painted red, and the roof was thatched and black. The inside of the building was just one big room, with four red wooden pillars positioned as if corners of a square. The windows allowed the sun to pour in. Stood at the opposite end of the room to the entrance was Akuma, who was writing calligraphy into sand neatly tidied in to a 5x5 foot square with a stick. Next to him was a teapot and cup that was softly steaming away. He stopped and looked up at Occulo and Itami. He smiled widely and took a couple of steps forward.
Akuma: My…
Itami bowed, and Occulo did the same an awkward couple of seconds later
Itami: Akuma, this is Occulo
Akuma took another couple of steps forward and gazed upon Occulo’s form
Akuma: Yes, I see. He is…yes, a bit bulkier than I envisioned.
Occulo: Thanks I-
In one swinging motion, Itami swung his hand out and held it over Occulo’s mouth, who immediately shut up
Itami: Yes, he is certainly not afraid of tuning his body in order to match the beat, tempo and rhythm of combat.
Akuma: Quite
Akuma grabbed the collar of his long black coat and in one fell swoop, threw it towards his teapot and cup. It landed perfectly folded next to them.
Unsilence him
Itami moved his hand away
Akuma: Tell me Occulo, are you ready for your next battle?
Occulo’s face was stern. He gulped nervously and took a deep breath.
Occulo: My opponents this week are tough, but so are my partners…and so am I
Akuma closed his eyes and smiled slightly
Akuma: Hm
He rushed forward and planted a single index fingertip on his forehead. Occulo’s eyes widened as suddenly all his lethargy from Slam disappeared and he felt fully rested and alert as if he just had nine hours of heavy sleep.
Occulo: Woah…
Akuma stood back and turned his attention to Itami, who was standing patiently with his hands behind his back
Akuma: Itami. I believe Occulo needs an introduction in to the lost art of Single Cloud. Don’t you?
Itami brought his hands forward and like Akuma, threw his coat down into a neatly folded pile by his side revealing his incredibly muscular form. Brick shithouse. The Incredible Hulk looked like one of Itami’s turds in comparison.
Occulo: Christ…
Akuma and Itami stood in the centre of the room, with Occulo staring down the midway point in the thirty foot gap between them. He felt a great tension, purely in the excitement of seeing these two spar off. He had never heard of this type of martial art, let alone experience two masters going at it. Akuma slowly lifted one hand.
Akuma: Fool
He quickly lowered it releasing a gust of wind that blasted Occulo with a great deal of force in to the wall behind him. His head flung back and cracked against the timber, causing him to lose consciousness instantly.
Itami: Hmph
Akuma walked over to him and looked down at his body
Akuma: It is only as expected Itami. Not having a master has stripped him of any discipline or respect. He has a very long way to go before he witnesses Single Cloud in its full majesty.
Itami: What shall I do with him Master Akuma?
Akuma: Take him to his dormitory, and be there when he wakes up.
Itami: Yes
Itami lifted Occulo’s body on to his shoulders with immense ease and faced Akuma
Itami: Are you certain he is capable Master?
Akuma: I sensed him from across a vast ocean Itami, and when I did, it was like the first day of sun after a year of rain. Trust me. He is the answer.
Itami looked on with scepticism as we
CUT
A burning flake of wood arched through the air as we pan slowly across to a large roaring fire in the middle of the village. Night had fallen on Shirikawa, and as is tradition, the whole village ate together as one around the flames. A young man with shoulder long, straight dark hair approached the fire, causing the residents to cease their conversation and clap excitedly. The man was wearing nothing but dark shorts made out of deer hide, and tattoos in Japanese characters (we see subtitles at the bottom of the screen which read “Sky burn bright, when the answer sings at night”. In his hands are a very large, ancient, stone vase painted in red with a single cloud above the village which depicts a scene identical to the one we see, the burning fire with the villagers gathered around it. The villagers murmur excitedly and gasp in great wonder at the sight of the vase, as if it were their holy grail. He very carefully rested the vase on the ground.
Man: In the flames tonight we burn our worry, fear and uncertainty. In the flames tonight we burn the exhaustion and the pain of our scholars as they scribe endlessly. In the flames tonight we illuminate the millennia long part of the question that has until now been in the shadows.
He stops talking and the crowd turn their heads to Akuma, who is stood up with authority
We cut to Occulo awakening in his dormitory with Itami waiting patiently.
Occulo: What…what happened?
Itami: Worry not. You were tested by Akuma. A test you failed, but were expected to.
Occulo: Oh…what was this test exactly?
Itami: That you are devoid of discipline. You are far from the stage where you can witness us fight. But we need not concern ourselves with this now. Come, they are waiting for you.
Occulo: Waiting for me? Who?
He jumps down from his bed and follows Itami out the door.
Akuma: He comes
Itami leads Occulo towards the fire. The crowd all stand and cheer, parting to clear a space for him.
The man with the tattoos, Kasai, takes Occulo’s hand and leads him closer to the fire. Occulo squints as the heat grows and grows in intensity. He starts to resist, and Itami rests a hand on his shoulder.
Itami: Do not fear, this is just the beginning, my little wisp
Occulo nervously nods and takes very small steps towards the flames. Kasai walks towards the centre of the fire, much to Occulo’s horror.
Kasai: Come.
He nervously gulps and steps on to the flames…but they do not burn him. His squinting eyes open up in amazement, and he takes another step to bring him to the centre with Kasai. The crowd stand in immense anticipation and look on with intense focus and expectation. Kasai slowly brings his hands up and curves his fingers slightly, so they form a bowl shape as his hands touch. Occulo stares in to his eyes, until Kasai nods and moves his eyes towards his hands, motioning him to copy. He cautiously obliges, and some of the flames accumulate in his hands.
Now, drop the flames in to the vase. Go.
Occulo nods nervously and turns around. He slowly walks over to the vase with a priceless facial expression. “What the hell is going on, and why am I not covered in third degree burns?”. As he exits the flames, the fire in his hands transforms in to a white, puffy cloud. He reaches the vase and carefully drops the cloud in to it. There are about twenty seconds of absolute silence and incredible tension like the final and deciding action of a sports final.
Akuma: Yes!
Out of the vase shoots a jet of steam, and with this the crowd absolutely erupts into raptures. Occulo stares up as the jet shoots high in to the sky and eventually accumulates in to a single beautiful, brilliant, and bright white cloud which hovers as still as a mill pond above the village.
Occulo: Wow
Itami approaches him and rests a proud hand on his shoulder
Itami: You are the answer after all, my little wisp
Occulo smiles proudly as the villagers begin celebrations. A small band of them start playing flutes and drums as others dance along.
Kasai walks up to Occulo with a cup made of bone filled with a dark red liquid.
Kasai: Occulo, tonight we drink. Tonight we celebrate. Tonight we dance under the glory of the single cloud.
Occulo nods and takes the cup from him, and swallows a mouthful of the liquid.
Occulo: That’s amazing, what is it?
Akuma walks up with two cups of the same drink and hands one to Itami, and holds the other one a loft.
Akuma: This is a wine that is made from grapes that grew the last time this great cloud hung above the village. As soon as first light hits, the sun shines through the cloud and the grapes grow through the ash of the fire, and with these comes this wine.
Occulo: So how old is this wine?
Akuma: Two thousand and twenty three years old
Occulo almost spits his mouthful out in shock but just about resists.
Occulo: That’s…that’s vintage.
Akuma: Only the new student and the master may consume the wine in all its glory. It tastes like putrid water to anyone else.
Occulo: Oh, well, I’m honoured. Thank you Akuma, and thank you Itami for this…really bizarre opportunity.
Akuma: You are most welcome
Akuma and Itami take a couple of sips of the wine
Occulo: I still have many questions though.
Akuma smiles
Akuma: Occulo, please, tonight is not about questions, tonight is about the one answer. So please, release your apprehension and celebrate.
Occulo: Got it
Akuma raises a single hand and he and Kasai walk to join the rest of the villagers
Itami…
Itami: Yes?
Occulo: They keep calling me the answer…which…I have to ask…what is the question?
Itami’s face becomes one of concern for a few seconds, and then he smiles widely and simply stares up at the cloud. Occulo shakes his head and stares upwards too. His initiation was complete, and he still had a million and one questions. But he decided to take Akuma’s advice and enjoy the night, for he had no idea when this happy and joyous atmosphere would be felt again, but he knew as long as that single white cloud sat above the village and he felt the peace with Itami, everything was going to be just fine. Hard, but fine. He felt ready and incredibly excited to learn everything about this new culture. He felt like he belonged, and that, in all its rarity for him, felt quite beautiful.
CUT
The next day, and the village, which normally by this time would be a hive of activity, is deadly silent. The fire smoulders away with exhausted wisps of smoke. Occulo however, has had no time to rest a hangover. He and Itami are stood a few feet apart. Occulo wears thick black knee high shorts, which consists of tightly wrapped nylon attached with strips of bamboo and sewn up with thread. He also wears a black, short sleeved gobok top with a cloud shaped emblem on the right hand side of his chest in white. Itami is wearing a similar outfit, but the rims of shorts and gobok are a bright yellow colour. It’s a still, cloudy day with no wind at all, which means the billowing smoke of the fire has filled the air. The beautiful white cloud sits on its own with a moat of blue sky around it, separating it from the rest of the clouds.
Itami: Tell me wisp, your professional fighting, how does it work?
Occulo: How does it work?
Occulo felt a pang of confusion, does he really not know this?
Well you just beat the crap out of your opponent in whatever way works best, so you can pin them to the mat with their shoulders down for a count of three. Or you can put them in a hold with the aim of getting them to tap out.
Itami: Interesting
He rushes forward and lands a single left hook to the jaw of Occulo, who flops to the ground. That was like being punched in the face by a train. Itami drops to his knees and holds Occulo down.
Itami: 1, 2, 3.
Occulo holds his jaw with a grimace
Occulo: Yeah like that…
Itami gets to his feet, helping Occulo up in the process.
Itami: Attack me. Allow me to feel your full force.
Occulo nodded and ran straight at Itami, landing a left hook followed by an elbow to the throat. A vicious elbow to the throat. He follows it up with a knee to the gut, but Itami doesn’t buckle. Instead he just stands unfazed.
Occulo: …
Itami: Pointless
Occulo: Pointless?
Itami: Indeed. Your attack is pure muscle. There is no energy behind it. It is just pure opportunity.
Occulo: Alright
Itami: The elbow to the throat, it is designed to render me incapacitated. Intended to crush my windpipe yes?
Occulo: Correct. I call it the oesphagu-
Itami: What you called it, forget it. Your moves are material. They are substance. They are channels of monetary gain. Your technique needs to transcend that, and to understand this, you will begin your first session of training.
Occulo smiles and clenches his fist
Occulo: I’m ready
Itami: I want you to stand under the cloud for twenty four hours
Occulo’s fists unclench and his excited face turns in to one of disappointment
Occulo: Are you…why?
Itami: You need to feel it. The cloud is aware of you but has not yet connected with you. Once you are connected to it, you’ll understand why I have asked you to do this.
Occulo: Fine. I’ll do it.
They walk in to the centre of the village under the cloud
Itami: Now, I shall return in one day from now. Do not move from that spot. Connect, understand, breathe.
Itami nods and walks away, entering a nearby house. Occulo sighs and stares up at the cloud which is still almost glowing a perfect, sheet-white colour.
He had plenty of time to think. To think about his opponents on Sunday night. Jared Holmes, Andre Aquarius and John Gable. What a perfect time for him to…voice his opinion.
Occulo: Fuckin Beachkrew. Sorry Beachkrew. Sorry #beachkrew. Now I know it is your intention, but you are by far the most ANNOYING pieces of shit I’ve ever known in this company. You’re even more annoying than Katherine Phoenix. Now that’s an accolade you should be proud of. Because holy shit she is painful. So what have we learned from you? We’ve learned that if your name can be made in to a pun that has anything do with the sea, you’re in, and you have to shove it down our throats. You’re fucking genius. Do you know what you really are? Look out, C-bomb, sorry, sea-bomb coming up, you’re just a total set of cunts that preach domination but fold when you face something even remotely competitive. I mean do you honestly think you’re going to compete with us on Sunday? We’re a far stronger team and all your sea puns and hashtags won’t stop your bleeding.
Jared, the thing that drives me to insanity with you is wondering why, oh why are you wasting your time with that band of pricks? You’ve proven that you are immensely talented and if you ran this marathon alone you’d probably dominate.
But that’s not the case. Instead we have this utterly ridiculous person who is like some kind of bukkake, red cheeked slut whose mind has been irreparably corrupted. Your name is whoever they fucking say your name is, and that changes with a dickslap across the face. Some megalomaniac called Jim Thuggin appears from some equally fucked up background and decides “yeah, they look weak-minded enough to go to a wrestling federation and create and lead a group of childish miscreants who somehow dominated. So you now go by the name of “6ix God”. Yeah, right, okay. You see yourself as a God. Fuck that’s original Jared. Maybe I’ll be a god too. How the fuck you can be considered a god when all you do is run a little band of men in some random wrestling federation is quite extraordinary. There are managers at the burger joint down the road that are further up in the hierarchy than you. You’re just not what you think you are. You’re not. I mean I could at least give you some credibility if BeachKrew held all the titles. If there was a trophy cabinet (which would probably be floating on some crude, inflatable, brightly coloured desert island in a child’s paddling pool) filled with belts that the rest of the WCF cannot touch because you are just THAT dominant. Fucking not the case is it? You’ve failed miserably so far. You’re nowhere near the level of power that you are so adamant in having. And you know what Jared? Do you know the irony? Here’s a fucking sea analogy for you, you’re the anchor which is weighing your galleon down and stop it getting anywhere in its seven-seas quest for the treasure in the world of the WCF. You’re David Moyes at Manchester United. A man who has won fuck all trying to lead a trophy laden team to further glory.
What makes you a laughing stock Jared, is that you stand there and claim to have all this power, all of this supernatural power, but there’s just nothing there to show for it. And the guy, the guy who I’ve bested on many occasion, Oblivion, has more accolades than you. Why isn’t he in charge? As much as a jobber he is, he makes you look like that young new manager in the office who because he’s been to Harvard and his Daddy sits upstairs, he thinks he knows it all and goes around throwing his weight around, but as soon as his back his turned his team snort derisively at just how utterly clueless he really is. Oblivion sat there with a wealth of knowledge and experience, wondering why this “new blood money” is in charge and not him…and the nepotism of it all enrages him but he thinks “why bother complaining, I’ll just nod and agree”. Funny you didn't kick Oblivion out because of how much he sucked in fact the opposite, he left because of how much YOU guys sucked. He got sick and tired of being led by a clueless manager and jumped the sinking ship. Hilarious stuff, a jobber ditches a team of people who regard themselves as the utterly dominant force in the company
"LMFAO."
I’m looking forward to Sunday Jared. I’m looking forward to staring in to the eyes of a man who calls himself a god. What do you want me to feel when this happens Jared? Fear? Hopelessness? Futility? Fuck off, the only challenge when I do this will be to stop me laughing at just how much you’ve failed. Does your team laugh so much on the internet forums because if they didn’t they would cry at how desperate their careers have become? Command and Conquer? Red Alert BeachKrew, he couldn’t command a sheep in to a field. You’re a joke. One of the WCF’s great stories about a guy who cannot grasp the concept that in a wrestling federation, power comes from success and success comes from belts. Nothing else. Do you know who I would consider a god in this company Jared? Let me throw some names at you:
Torture
Jayson Price
Corey Black
Odin Balfore
Bobby Cairo
Jonny Fly
Oh and you’ll like this one…Oblivion.
6ix God? How about stupid deluded cunt whose presence is as Godly as Tommy Wiseau’s in the Oscars Hall of Fame. You and him should get a Room and argue over what was the bigger waste of the time, BeachKrew vs that film. He’d body you just as severely as we’re going to body you on Sunday. You came seeking destruction and dominance and surrounded yourself with mediocrity. You want real power, get actual destroyers in your team. You want to bring the WCF tower down into a pile of debris? Get explosives in your team. Instead of Kemp, Rabid and…Sandy Coconutz, get some people who have been there and done that, who know what it means to dominate by their sheer presence alone. The irony is that you are facing people who do and have done exactly that. How totally disappointing. All you and your little minnows are good for is thinking you’re hilarious on Twitter.
"#fuccbois LMAO"
Wow. The fear you instil. However will we even have the courage to walk down to the ring and face these guys who promote themselves like 11 year olds on some online chat. The joke of your men just rolls on and gets funnier.
“I AM JARED HOLMES, THE OMNIPREDATOR, THE CHOSEN ONE, MEN, SEEK AND DESTROY THE WCF”
“Okay boss #LMFAO #LMAO #LOL #FUCCBOI #SHIPWREKD”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES, I CAN FEEL THE WCF SHAKE AS IT CRUMBLES UNDER OUR INCREDIBLE POWER”
My advice to you Jared, you absolute embarrassment, is to put down the keyboard and pick up a belt. That way someone might respect you, someone might fear you, and someone may even give a fuck about BeachKrew. Until then, hashtags and juvenile acronyms are literally all you have. You should call yourselves TwitterSquad, because even that sounds less stupid than what you call yourselves now.
So when shall we expect the implosion Jared? How long will it be before BeachKrew’s embarrassing lack of belts becomes a problem where the arrow of blame points directly at you? It’s going to be a truly wonderful event, and it’s a question of when and not if. You’re not going to last forever, and you’ll be forever known as the man who couldn’t get the job done. The Sentinels are keeping their trios titles Jared, whether you like it or not, and we will always be so many steps ahead of you. Jim Thuggin will wish he shoved the coathanger up Mama Holmes and aborted you before you could let him down in the worst way possible.
So who have you blessed yourself with in this match Jared? Who will carry the flag of BeachKrew into battle and win some badly needed silverware?
Andre Aquarius. Wow. Remember the mediocrity we discussed earlier? Here’s a prime example of it. Some random frat boy who needed something edgy about him so he decided to be a racist. Not exactly the cream of the crop are you Andre? You fit right in to the Jared Holmes and BeachKrew mould, some failing wrestler hiding behind other failing wrestlers trying to get as much attention as possible on the internet forums. So what are you Andre? What reason do I have to be wary of you? Good question, what reason do I have to be wary of some retard stoner?
Nope.
Nothing.
Do you like that word Andre? Nothing. It’s what you’ve based your entire existence on.
What’s Andre doing today? Nothing.
What will Andre achieve today? Nothing
What will Andre achieve tomorrow? Nothing
What will Andre EVER achieve? Nothing
What should the man who shoved his cock in to his mother’s vagina emitted in to it? Nothing
What will Andre’s grave read when he dies? Nothing
Do you get my point Andre? Whilst you may think you have everything right now you actually have…nothing. You wanna get high Andre? Do it, get as high as you possibly can on the top of a tall building and jump off it your death. What will be left on the sidewalk when you land? Nothing. No guts. Just a small hairline crack where the weight of your abject failure of being a credible human being makes impact. You made me howl when you said I was “rubbing my hands” trying to plot against you. Absolutely hilarious stuff Andre. Why the fuck would I waste my time with BeachKrew? I am trying to climb up the ladder here Andre, not down. You stupid, stupid little child. You proved the absolute extent of your brainpower when you called Joey “Joey Macaroni”. Holy fuck. That is cringeworthy. In an attempt to put down your opponent you’ve actually managed to put yourself down far, far further. It’s so laughable. And you don’t even realise it do you? I think one day BeachKrew will have a mental disability named after them. A brain disorder where every time they speak their brains drop about a decade in its mental age. Is your leader called 6ix God because anyone with a brain over the age of six isn’t allowed in? Sure seems like it. But the addition that you offer Andre, is that your lifestyle never advanced to a level above of a child’s either. You’ve always just sat stewing in your own filth. Always just sat there devoid of an original thought, happy to just follow others because you’re too underdeveloped to make your own decisions and too stupid to realise that you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are going nowhere fast.
So as if you weren’t absolute pure plughole scum enough, you’re a racist. But no, you can’t even do THAT right. You’re racist against people of the same race. Fuck sake Andre. You going to be a gay homophobe next? Are you going to dress as a priest and become a bible basher? You’re just….erghh…you’re just absolutely mind numbingly painfully STUPID. You make Ultimate Destroyer look like a Harvard professor. And I know how utterly ridiculous THIS sounds, and even when I’m trying to get THIS point across I almost can’t say it, but it is so very true…you make Katherine Phoenix look like Steven fucking Hawking, and you look like him WITHOUT the supreme intelligence. You’d be much better off totally paralyzed in a wheelchair. No really, you would. Not just for your own good, but for us all. This level of stupidity needs to be contained in an inanimate shell. Sadly that’s not the case. There’s a big pile of flesh out there that has done absolutely nothing with its existence, a waste of space and oxygen, it has never even tried to do anything that could be classed as necessary, and when that pile of flesh decided it would try and desperately claw at attention by being a racist, it totally fucked that up too, and that big pile of walking evolved hybrid of spunk and egg is called Andre Aquarius. You’re like a little asteroid in space. Just aimlessly floating around. Just about big enough to be defined as something, but far too small and insignificant to do nothing but just burn away, perhaps as an instant streak of light in the sky where a couple looking up at the sky on a romantic evening would look up and say
Man: Oh look, Andre Aquarius’s career, make a wish
Woman: Wish made
Man: What was it?
Woman: I’m not telling you
Man: Aw go on
Woman: Okay fine, I wished that you would stay infertile, solely because there’s a tiny, tiny, tiny chance that our child could be
even remotely like Andre Aquarius
Man: That’s so thoughtful. I love you.
Then they have rampant sex and its fine when he orgasms and fires a blank, because that blank is worth far more than that blank between your fucking ears. See you on Sunday, unfortunately.
John Gable, my god the theme of failure is absolutely fucking rampant isn’t it. In fact let me rephrase that. Start again. The theme of failure is more rampant through BeachKrew than BeachKrew is rampant through the WCF. I don’t really understand why you’re here John. FAILED as an actor so you became Jared’s bodyguard. Oh. What a totally shit fall back. I’d rather fall back on to a landmine. So why did you fail as a film star John? Were you not convincing as a human being? Well that hasn’t improved has it? What a shit life.
Maybe you’ll make a film of your own one day. “BeachKrew: The Film”. That would be great wouldn’t it? What genre would it fall under? Greek Tragedy perhaps, with the tag line “Greek God Jaredus attempts to conquer the empire of Wochawr but realises he actually needs a decent army to do this, will his delusion and small band of miscreants get the better of him?” Nah, it definitely would be a comedy. Slapstick. John Gable as John Gable, Morgan Freeman as Andre “Black man racist against blacks” Aquarius, and…fuck it Tommy Wiseau as Jared Holmes. That would be great. It’d headline a terrible movie marathon on some shit channel like Miramax.
Sharknado
The Room
Birdemic
BeachKrew: The Film
That would be your finest hour, because you wouldn’t even have to act! If only you could get someone to play you in the ring, then you wouldn’t even have to fight. But hey ho, you have to do something you’re terrible at sometimes, and sad enough for you, it’s what you get paid to do.
You had a damn good run as TV Champion and then that’s it. The end of the career as John Gable. So how much is he paying you Gable? How much is he paying you to protect…a God? Sigh…so stupid. Since when did a God need a bodyguard. Doesn’t a God exist on the premise that it is incredibly powerful and able to destroy something in an instant? The Alpha and the Omega? Nah not this one, 6ix God needs a fucking bodyguard. And not even a real bodyguard, bodyguard that was once an actor. OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THE FARCICAL COMEDY OF BEACHKREW END? I mean are you lot actually taking the piss? I know this place has a lot of ridiculousness in it but you lot just take it to a whole new level. I mean, you’re just a collective of people who have all failed miserably in life led by a man so bored and pitiful that a midget with a beard probably got a couple of dollars in a dare to see if he could create a wrestling stable based on the fucking sea.
I want to know more about the mechanics of the role of Gable in this match. So what happens, when Jared gets tagged in do you also climb through the ropes and just stand in front of him? Or do you sit on the turnbuckle, wait for a punch to be thrown and dramatically dive in front of it? I mean you can’t just stand on the other side of the ropes and watch me beat the crap out of him can you? Otherwise you’d be…failing as a bodyguard. Oh my. You’ve actually cornered yourself into a career that you can’t actually physically do. Why hasn’t Jared replaced you with one of the more established members of BeachKrew? Would he even let you take a pin? Do you protect Aquarius as well? What if Joey is laid unconscious in the ring and you’re the legal man, but Jared is getting savagely attacked outside the ring by Dune, and Aquarius is probably stoned or unconscious elsewhere…what do you do? Do you save Jared or pin Joey and win the belts? You’d save Jared, Joey would get back up hit Pain is Love whilst you’re distracted, roll you back in the ring and bang, we win. You’ve done your job but let BeachKrew down. So…really…you’re a liability to BeachKrew aren’t you? They would be much better off without you, and, therefore, it would be better for BeachKrew if their “God” could ACTUALLY LOOK AFTER HIMSELF AND NOT NEED A FUCKING BODYGUARD.
Honestly, just taking this moment to reflect has really opened my eyes on you BeachKrew. People hold you in high regard but really, when you actually stop and think, you’re just another mess of a wrestling stable. Just another bunch of people who found solace in each other because nobody else cares enough to help them. You’ve created this grand delusion, this satanic extra-terrestrial origins…thing, which you’ve fabricated to be as unbelievable and hard to understand as possible to mirror your own sheer lack of understanding of your own lives. You created ridiculous name puns as if you are hiding behind this new “gimmick”. You’re just a bunch of AA members who decided to write a play that just got more and more ridiculous as the sudden sobriety took its cold turkey effect on your minds. Your role models in life let you down so harshly and severely that you had to follow a man who tipped over an edge that you are all so quickly moving towards. You might consider yourself a God Jared, but a God of four or five men is just a guy that the others are too lazy to talk back to. You cannot succeed in the ring together, so you dumb yourselves down to a time when responsibility wasn’t a thing that existed in your lives, to your childhood. You use child-like language and create this playground “beach” in your minds, you call it “krew” instead of “crew” because that’s how the cool kids do it isn’t it? These are grown men who are still using acronyms like LMFAO when they just don’t have the intelligence…or motivation to form a coherent argument. They live in fear that if the group disbands, they’d have to make it on their own.
They can’t be bothered, and such is their lives. This is sad. This is pitiful. This is BeachKrew.
Occulo took a deep breath and sat on the ground, before laying back and simply staring at the cloud. His mind felt extremely open. He started to feel connected to it. He started to understand, just. Only another twenty-three and a half hours to go…and then back home, and then back to Slam. Joey Flash and Dune were just as fiercely against BeachKrew as he was, and together, they’d leave them absolutely no chance. The Sentinels were going to rise and leave those hashtagging cunts to ruin. Jared Holmes, Andre Aquarius, John Gable were going to be responsible for bringing their own stable name in to humiliating shame…and Occulo, Dune and Joey are going to thoroughly enjoy it.
