Clubbing With the Cockblockers
Jul 6, 2014 17:53:00 GMT -5
Logan, Alex Richards, and 1 more like this
Post by Jay Omega on Jul 6, 2014 17:53:00 GMT -5
Our scene faded in on the interior of a crowded nightclub, looking down at the densely packed dance floor. Multiple beams of neon lights in various colours flash across the frenzied sea of dancers, pulsating to the nearly deafening beat of "Summer" by Calvin Harris. The camera pulled out a few inches, and my hand came into view to slide closed the tinted window directly in front of us. As the window shut, the mingled cacophony dropped to a dull murmur, and the camera began to turn about the dimly lit private room. Black wallpaper, filled with whorls and squiggles of red, silver, and purple, sheathed the one corner we can see, a few feet behind the tiger print lounge couches angled around a low table, which was covered in empty glasses, and bottles of various, high-end brands of gin, rum, and whiskey.
Asked Jay Omega vapidly, as the camera brought him into view, reclining sloppily on the closer of the two couches, wearing black jeans with a dark green, button up silk shirt, the sleeves rolled halfway up his forearms. The camera swept further aside, putting Jay on the left of the screen, and giving us our first glimpse of this feature's main attraction sitting on the other couch. His voluminous, curly black hair framed a face which could stop a woman's heart, accentuated by a thick, luxurious moustache. The tips of his raven tresses brushed the padded shoulders of a magnificent snakeskin blazer; what some might call hot pink, but which a practised eye could see is a rather passionate shade of light red. Beneath the blazer, his lightly furred, toned chest glistened in what little light was available. Skin tight leather pants adorned his impressive lower body, emphasizing his world-renowned groin.
The plain-faced Omega asked of his glorious companion. Turning his panty-soaking features toward Jay, the very vision of virility answered smoothly.
Jay's in no way attractive features became even uglier, if possible, as he grimaced at the Sexual Superman sitting beside him.
Explained the object of every woman's lust. Except the fat ones. The homely Omega turned to regard me with an irritated look, trying to discern my identity, no doubt. I shifted the camera slightly to flash him a smile that I assure you was far more handsome than anything he could produce. One glance at my devilishly good looks gave him a start of surprise.
He asked, with dumb incredulity. Yes, Luke Rodham, former host of Rodham's Recap, one of the 'Net's hottest sportscasts, was indeed the man behind the camera, giving a fair and accurate accounting of the action.
Because you vandalised half my set, stole the rest, infringed on my copyright, and left a bag of weed in my desk, which security found when they recovered it, so I lost my job. And when I tried to sue, your legal team dragged out the proceedings until I was destitute! Don't laugh at me!
While I'm sure Loch, Stalk, and Beryl makes for a good time at the comedy club, they were very few laughs in the courtroom. Although Ms. Stalk was pleasant to watch.
Jay shook the unruly, ragged mop at the top of his neck, and shot me another glare with his beady, misshapen eyes, then softened his expression, though it was still revolting.
Proudly proclaimed the prominently promiscuous personification of the prurient.
Steve interrupted again, by clearing his throat in a fetching manner.
Jay offered lamely, insulting the magnanimous man at his side. Steve shook his head slightly, and his glorious mane swished back and forth across the shoulders of his blazer; even the rustle of his clothing gave a sensual sound.
To clarify for those at home who have been living under a rock, and are improbably unfamiliar with the primal, erotic beast; Steve was referring to a six month period at the end of his wrestling career. A time when he had been tag team partners with the hideous Jay Omega, a move nobly inspired by pity at the lesser man's consistent lack of female companionship. Under the brilliant guidance of Steve Osbourne, they were able to become Tag Team Champions of the now-defunct Alternative Championship Wrestling.
Said the drab-faced Omega, in his grating voice. Not bothered by his co-host's caterwauling, the divine essence of sexuality smiled widely, and his evenly spaced, perfectly white teeth somehow caught the light with a little sparkle.
Jay Omega's beady eyes widened in a very unattractive way, making him look bug-eyed.
You're doing a recap show? Fuck you, in every available hole! I fucking hate you, Omega, and I hope you die from a rotting disease!
Said Steve, with a sidelong glance. Omega shrugged his uneven shoulders, and nodded his neck-lump in acquiescence, then shot me yet another glare for so accurately describing his many flaws and shortcomings. Jay reached down in front of him, casually lifted a glass of whiskey, and delicately took a sip, like a little girl. He gave a homo-erotic glance at Steve, when his arm--
When my vision returned, the first thing I noticed, was that I had dropped the camera. Then I remembered a whiskey glass hitting me in the side of the head. You son of a bitch, Omega.
Steve picked up a glass of gin from the table, and took a deep swallow while he considered the question. A pensive look came over his impossibly handsome features, making him look even more intelligent while he was lost in thought.
Jay quickly lowered his head, as a barely perceptible change of colour touched his cheeks, and oh my God, are you blushing? Then Jay's head snapped back up, and the flush in his cheeks was matched by the fire in his eyes.
And I'm sure flirting over Twitter is a great way to make an impression. But Omega doesn't seem to hear me, his eyes have become more vacant than usual, as he drifts away into some no doubt perverted fantasy. Uh-oh, that got his attention. I should probably stick to physical insults. I tried to distract Jay by bringing up the appearance of the Livewire, Grayson Pierce, and his band, Emily's Prayer.
Asked Jay Omega, without the slightest hint of irony. I took moment to reflect on all the numerous ridiculous, if not outright stupid, things he's said in the past. Like everything he ever said while under the tutelage of the self-proclaimed God of Terror, Brian Williams. Or when he claimed to be better looking than the marvelously mustachioed man drinking with him. Or when he--
Jay sighed dramatically as her spoke her name, and his face broke into a goofy grin. As you can see, I'm not being insulting, he actually is smiling like an idiot. My words wiped the smile from his face, however, and Jesus, you really are blushing!
Steve spilled his drink as he cut off, when Jay punched him hard in the shoulder, a dangerous spark in his eyes. Perhaps he really was smitten with the witch from the Deep South. I said witch! Calm down; I don't need another glass thrown at me.
The ostentatious Osbourne set his now half empty glass back on the table, and wiped his hands on a napkin. He gently dabbed at his generous groin, soaking up the alcohol spattered on his leather pants. Steve then tossed the napkin onto the table in a manly way, and leaned back. His snakeskin blazer fell open, revealing more of his well defined abs.
Jay offered in response, as he rolled the wrist of his left arm. I'll admit I know nothing about this Arabella Montgomery, but she must be something special, to have this kind of effect on the normally care-free Omega Man. Despite my previous assertions, he was actually quite a hit with the ladies during the brief time we were employed by the same company.
I clapped my free hand to my forehead, and winced in spite of myself. No amount of spin could make those comments sound any better. Steve's glorious face fell at my comment, but Omega rudely interrupted with a slow clap before Steve could plead his case.
Ciserano, I retorted smugly. Some times working behind the scenes had its advantages; like learning proper pronunciation. And who gets which dressing rooms, a talent the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer had made good use of in the past.
I choked off a laugh before it could escape my lips, and waited for a valid response.
Steve looked confused for a moment, echoing my own thoughts. Surely Omega wasn't so dim-witted as to be unaware of the stories floating around the Internet?
Jay scowled, Steve grinned, I snickered. Good times were had by all. Omega shook his head again, then turned back toward me and the camera
Steve hung his head, and grinned sheepishly, then threw an apologetic shrug Jay's way.
Jay shook his head yet again, in obvious disbelief at this turn of events. Though really, it was his own fault. Did he honestly expect the masculine model of mating to sit in an arena watching men fight, when he could be drinking, and watching women strip? One would think Omega didn't know Steve at all.
Jay and Steve glanced at each other, and nodded at the same time.
Steve gave Jay a look that said "what the hell", but Jay only laughed at him, and signaled to me to cut the feed. Our scene faded to black.
Jay Omega
Whoa, hold on. What's up with this?
Whoa, hold on. What's up with this?
Asked Jay Omega vapidly, as the camera brought him into view, reclining sloppily on the closer of the two couches, wearing black jeans with a dark green, button up silk shirt, the sleeves rolled halfway up his forearms. The camera swept further aside, putting Jay on the left of the screen, and giving us our first glimpse of this feature's main attraction sitting on the other couch. His voluminous, curly black hair framed a face which could stop a woman's heart, accentuated by a thick, luxurious moustache. The tips of his raven tresses brushed the padded shoulders of a magnificent snakeskin blazer; what some might call hot pink, but which a practised eye could see is a rather passionate shade of light red. Beneath the blazer, his lightly furred, toned chest glistened in what little light was available. Skin tight leather pants adorned his impressive lower body, emphasizing his world-renowned groin.
Jay Omega
Since when is Steve the main attraction? And since when do I have a narrator?
Since when is Steve the main attraction? And since when do I have a narrator?
The plain-faced Omega asked of his glorious companion. Turning his panty-soaking features toward Jay, the very vision of virility answered smoothly.
Steve Osbourne
Oh, I hired him. Whoever you get to transcribe your videos is as dusty and tasteless as a GMILF's cooch before you apply the blueberry lube.
Oh, I hired him. Whoever you get to transcribe your videos is as dusty and tasteless as a GMILF's cooch before you apply the blueberry lube.
Jay's in no way attractive features became even uglier, if possible, as he grimaced at the Sexual Superman sitting beside him.
Jay Omega
That's disgusting. Does he have to narrate while filming? Can't we add it in post-production?
Steve Osbourne
Nope, this is a live feed straight to the Internet, baby!
That's disgusting. Does he have to narrate while filming? Can't we add it in post-production?
Steve Osbourne
Nope, this is a live feed straight to the Internet, baby!
Explained the object of every woman's lust. Except the fat ones. The homely Omega turned to regard me with an irritated look, trying to discern my identity, no doubt. I shifted the camera slightly to flash him a smile that I assure you was far more handsome than anything he could produce. One glance at my devilishly good looks gave him a start of surprise.
Jay Omega
Rodham?!?
Rodham?!?
He asked, with dumb incredulity. Yes, Luke Rodham, former host of Rodham's Recap, one of the 'Net's hottest sportscasts, was indeed the man behind the camera, giving a fair and accurate accounting of the action.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, he's always been a big fan of mine. Figured I'd give him this gig, since your boyfriend doesn't like hanging out with us.
Jay Omega
And he's being such a dick because...
Yeah, he's always been a big fan of mine. Figured I'd give him this gig, since your boyfriend doesn't like hanging out with us.
Jay Omega
And he's being such a dick because...
Because you vandalised half my set, stole the rest, infringed on my copyright, and left a bag of weed in my desk, which security found when they recovered it, so I lost my job. And when I tried to sue, your legal team dragged out the proceedings until I was destitute! Don't laugh at me!
Jay Omega
I'm not. I'm laughing because I thought Sean Steele took that dope. I remember kicking his ass over it. And don't blame me for having good lawyers, I only hired them because their names are hilarious.
I'm not. I'm laughing because I thought Sean Steele took that dope. I remember kicking his ass over it. And don't blame me for having good lawyers, I only hired them because their names are hilarious.
While I'm sure Loch, Stalk, and Beryl makes for a good time at the comedy club, they were very few laughs in the courtroom. Although Ms. Stalk was pleasant to watch.
Steve Osbourne
As much as I enjoy not caring about your problems, can we get this show on the road? Or do you two need to go change your tampons?
As much as I enjoy not caring about your problems, can we get this show on the road? Or do you two need to go change your tampons?
Jay shook the unruly, ragged mop at the top of his neck, and shot me another glare with his beady, misshapen eyes, then softened his expression, though it was still revolting.
Jay Omega
Ladies and gentlemen of the WCF--
Steve Osbourne
Especially the ladies.
Jay Omega
--And of the greater Internet as a whole. I am Jay Omega, arguably one of the most entertaining men in professional wrestling, and I'd like to welcome you to the inaugural episode of--
Steve Osbourne
Clubbing With the Cockblockers!
Ladies and gentlemen of the WCF--
Steve Osbourne
Especially the ladies.
Jay Omega
--And of the greater Internet as a whole. I am Jay Omega, arguably one of the most entertaining men in professional wrestling, and I'd like to welcome you to the inaugural episode of--
Steve Osbourne
Clubbing With the Cockblockers!
Proudly proclaimed the prominently promiscuous personification of the prurient.
Jay Omega
Hell no! I shouldn't have let you name our tag team, I'm sure as hell not letting you name the show!
Steve Osbourne
Tough titties, my man, 'cause sex sells. Besides, you probably wanted to call it something boring, like "Chatting With Jay and Steve", or "Omega and Osbourne At Night", like it's supposed to compete with the Tonight Show, or something. Just roll with it, you'll get way more hits.
Jay Omega
I... fuck it, fine, that's what we'll call it. With me tonight is a special guest--
Hell no! I shouldn't have let you name our tag team, I'm sure as hell not letting you name the show!
Steve Osbourne
Tough titties, my man, 'cause sex sells. Besides, you probably wanted to call it something boring, like "Chatting With Jay and Steve", or "Omega and Osbourne At Night", like it's supposed to compete with the Tonight Show, or something. Just roll with it, you'll get way more hits.
Jay Omega
I... fuck it, fine, that's what we'll call it. With me tonight is a special guest--
Steve interrupted again, by clearing his throat in a fetching manner.
Steve Osbourne
Co-host.
Jay Omega
Recurring guest star?
Co-host.
Jay Omega
Recurring guest star?
Jay offered lamely, insulting the magnanimous man at his side. Steve shook his head slightly, and his glorious mane swished back and forth across the shoulders of his blazer; even the rustle of his clothing gave a sensual sound.
Steve Osbourne
Nope. You clearly need some help getting up in the ratings, and I don't turn my back on my partners when the going gets hard.
Nope. You clearly need some help getting up in the ratings, and I don't turn my back on my partners when the going gets hard.
To clarify for those at home who have been living under a rock, and are improbably unfamiliar with the primal, erotic beast; Steve was referring to a six month period at the end of his wrestling career. A time when he had been tag team partners with the hideous Jay Omega, a move nobly inspired by pity at the lesser man's consistent lack of female companionship. Under the brilliant guidance of Steve Osbourne, they were able to become Tag Team Champions of the now-defunct Alternative Championship Wrestling.
Jay Omega
I'm going to knock him the fuck out, if he keeps this up.
I'm going to knock him the fuck out, if he keeps this up.
Said the drab-faced Omega, in his grating voice. Not bothered by his co-host's caterwauling, the divine essence of sexuality smiled widely, and his evenly spaced, perfectly white teeth somehow caught the light with a little sparkle.
Steve Osbourne
I think he's doing a great job. Besides, you kind of owe him.
Jay Omega
I could see about getting him a gig with that crazy van-dweller you were talking to, before Blast.
Steve Osbourne
You mean Alex Richards? Didn't you sell him some pot?
I think he's doing a great job. Besides, you kind of owe him.
Jay Omega
I could see about getting him a gig with that crazy van-dweller you were talking to, before Blast.
Steve Osbourne
You mean Alex Richards? Didn't you sell him some pot?
Jay Omega's beady eyes widened in a very unattractive way, making him look bug-eyed.
Jay Omega
That was Richards?!? Krishna, I thought George Steele had a stroke!
Steve Osbourne
Ba-dum-tisch.
Jay Omega
And I didn't sell him anything. That was a thank you gift for his charitable donation; perfectly legal, and tax deductable. But since we're on the subject of the week leading up to my WCF debut at Blast, let's finally get to the focus of this show; taking a look back at some of the--
That was Richards?!? Krishna, I thought George Steele had a stroke!
Steve Osbourne
Ba-dum-tisch.
Jay Omega
And I didn't sell him anything. That was a thank you gift for his charitable donation; perfectly legal, and tax deductable. But since we're on the subject of the week leading up to my WCF debut at Blast, let's finally get to the focus of this show; taking a look back at some of the--
You're doing a recap show? Fuck you, in every available hole! I fucking hate you, Omega, and I hope you die from a rotting disease!
Steve Osbourne
Whoa, Luke, calm down! You're disrupting my mojo. Besides, we haven't been paid yet.
Jay Omega
You expect me to pay you, too?!? Fuck that! I'm already buying the drinks, the food, the entertainment, and providing transportation, that's more than enough. Now, let's stop all the prattling, and get down to brass tacks. Steve, what are your thoughts on Seth Lerch's little speech at the start of the show?
Steve Osbourne
He was that dude whining about not getting any love, right? "Wah, wah, I'm the boss, but no one listens" guy? Shit, what does he expect in this business? When you have this many psychopaths, sociopaths, and straight up lunatics packed together like this, how could there possibly be order?
Jay Omega
Well said. That's part of what made the X so successful; rather than try to control the chaos, Boss Reid just went with it. Sometimes it felt like the wrestlers were booking the shows.
Steve Osbourne
Reid and Hodgson were usually so drunk, it was us wrestlers booking the shows.
Whoa, Luke, calm down! You're disrupting my mojo. Besides, we haven't been paid yet.
Jay Omega
You expect me to pay you, too?!? Fuck that! I'm already buying the drinks, the food, the entertainment, and providing transportation, that's more than enough. Now, let's stop all the prattling, and get down to brass tacks. Steve, what are your thoughts on Seth Lerch's little speech at the start of the show?
Steve Osbourne
He was that dude whining about not getting any love, right? "Wah, wah, I'm the boss, but no one listens" guy? Shit, what does he expect in this business? When you have this many psychopaths, sociopaths, and straight up lunatics packed together like this, how could there possibly be order?
Jay Omega
Well said. That's part of what made the X so successful; rather than try to control the chaos, Boss Reid just went with it. Sometimes it felt like the wrestlers were booking the shows.
Steve Osbourne
Reid and Hodgson were usually so drunk, it was us wrestlers booking the shows.
Said Steve, with a sidelong glance. Omega shrugged his uneven shoulders, and nodded his neck-lump in acquiescence, then shot me yet another glare for so accurately describing his many flaws and shortcomings. Jay reached down in front of him, casually lifted a glass of whiskey, and delicately took a sip, like a little girl. He gave a homo-erotic glance at Steve, when his arm--
*CLUNK*
*blackness*
*blackness*
When my vision returned, the first thing I noticed, was that I had dropped the camera. Then I remembered a whiskey glass hitting me in the side of the head. You son of a bitch, Omega.
Jay Omega
Next time, it'll be my fist. And speaking of people who have tasted my fist, this brings us to my debut match; a Triple Threat against Adam Young, and Biohazard. We've been on opposite sides of the ring as often as we've teamed up, Steve, and I dare say you're one of the few people who knows me well. What were your impressions of my first WCF victory?
Steve Osbourne
Honestly? I think you're losing your touch. I felt like I was watching Steve Richtor in the ring. You were almost as boring as your promotional videos. What happened to your usual flair? The flashy style the fans have come to shit themselves for? You didn't even use any of your trademarks, or finishers. Hell, Adam Young had more spots than you did.
Jay Omega
You know as well as I do that you should never go all out in your first match. Give the crowd just enough to whet their appetites, and keep them coming back to see what you'll pull off next. Besides, injuries do happen sometimes, and I'd hate to be on the shelf before the ink on my contract dries. What did you think of Biohazard?
Next time, it'll be my fist. And speaking of people who have tasted my fist, this brings us to my debut match; a Triple Threat against Adam Young, and Biohazard. We've been on opposite sides of the ring as often as we've teamed up, Steve, and I dare say you're one of the few people who knows me well. What were your impressions of my first WCF victory?
Steve Osbourne
Honestly? I think you're losing your touch. I felt like I was watching Steve Richtor in the ring. You were almost as boring as your promotional videos. What happened to your usual flair? The flashy style the fans have come to shit themselves for? You didn't even use any of your trademarks, or finishers. Hell, Adam Young had more spots than you did.
Jay Omega
You know as well as I do that you should never go all out in your first match. Give the crowd just enough to whet their appetites, and keep them coming back to see what you'll pull off next. Besides, injuries do happen sometimes, and I'd hate to be on the shelf before the ink on my contract dries. What did you think of Biohazard?
Steve picked up a glass of gin from the table, and took a deep swallow while he considered the question. A pensive look came over his impossibly handsome features, making him look even more intelligent while he was lost in thought.
Steve Osbourne
Dude, he sucked. He had barely any offense, and pretty much got his ass kicked all around the ring. And yet, even he almost beat Adam Young. But from the impression I've been getting, Adam Young is meat that's easy to beat. I think the two of them are at the bottom of the barrel, and it's symbolic of just how far you've fallen without me. Flirting over Twitter? What are you, fifteen?
Dude, he sucked. He had barely any offense, and pretty much got his ass kicked all around the ring. And yet, even he almost beat Adam Young. But from the impression I've been getting, Adam Young is meat that's easy to beat. I think the two of them are at the bottom of the barrel, and it's symbolic of just how far you've fallen without me. Flirting over Twitter? What are you, fifteen?
Jay quickly lowered his head, as a barely perceptible change of colour touched his cheeks, and oh my God, are you blushing? Then Jay's head snapped back up, and the flush in his cheeks was matched by the fire in his eyes.
Jay Omega
Shut up! There's just something inherently classy about a Southern belle.
Shut up! There's just something inherently classy about a Southern belle.
And I'm sure flirting over Twitter is a great way to make an impression. But Omega doesn't seem to hear me, his eyes have become more vacant than usual, as he drifts away into some no doubt perverted fantasy. Uh-oh, that got his attention. I should probably stick to physical insults. I tried to distract Jay by bringing up the appearance of the Livewire, Grayson Pierce, and his band, Emily's Prayer.
Jay Omega
I actually didn't hear them play. I mean, I could sort of hear... something, but I was thinking about negotiating the details of my contract. How about you, Steve? You were in the audience, let's have your critical review of Pierce's musical exploits.
Steve Osbourne
It was all right, I suppose. I don't really listen to that kind of music. I prefer classics, like Barry Manilow, Kenny G, and Rick Astley. Probably not the best idea to sing about a cemetery for cats.
Jay Omega
I highly doubt the song was about dead cats, Steve.
Steve Osbourne
How would you know? You weren't paying any more attention than I was. And before you ask, yes, it's because I was hitting on the blonde with the huge rack that was sitting beside me. And her sister. It wasn't my kind of music, so I just tuned him out. And I got the sister's number, so two points for me! Anyway, after Grayson Pierce stopped strangling a banshee, there was a Fatal Fourway match between some British dude, a circus reject, a border jumper, and I don't need to make fun of Bartkowski, because his performance was a bigger joke than I could ever come up with.
Jay Omega
Jason Xavier was fairly impressive, though. I'm no stranger to the high-rent district, and I always enjoy seeing flashy showmanship in action. Sadly, I'm not really a fan of the Insane Clown Posse, so Isaiah Chavis loses some points for his terrible taste in music.
Steve Osbourne
Really, Jason X? Who names himself after the worst movie in the Friday the Thirteenth series? Personally, I'm more fan of big, beefy guys, with strong arms. They tend to lay their opponents out pretty quick. Which is why I got behind Willy Cambridge in that match. He's got some impressive power, and it looked like he could really take a pounding. At one point, he was taking two men at once, and it barely seemed like a stretch for him. Seems like such a shame that he wilted prematurely; I really thought he was gonna go all the way with a big finish.
Jay Omega
Do you listen to what you're saying, or is the filter between your brain and your mouth broken?
I actually didn't hear them play. I mean, I could sort of hear... something, but I was thinking about negotiating the details of my contract. How about you, Steve? You were in the audience, let's have your critical review of Pierce's musical exploits.
Steve Osbourne
It was all right, I suppose. I don't really listen to that kind of music. I prefer classics, like Barry Manilow, Kenny G, and Rick Astley. Probably not the best idea to sing about a cemetery for cats.
Jay Omega
I highly doubt the song was about dead cats, Steve.
Steve Osbourne
How would you know? You weren't paying any more attention than I was. And before you ask, yes, it's because I was hitting on the blonde with the huge rack that was sitting beside me. And her sister. It wasn't my kind of music, so I just tuned him out. And I got the sister's number, so two points for me! Anyway, after Grayson Pierce stopped strangling a banshee, there was a Fatal Fourway match between some British dude, a circus reject, a border jumper, and I don't need to make fun of Bartkowski, because his performance was a bigger joke than I could ever come up with.
Jay Omega
Jason Xavier was fairly impressive, though. I'm no stranger to the high-rent district, and I always enjoy seeing flashy showmanship in action. Sadly, I'm not really a fan of the Insane Clown Posse, so Isaiah Chavis loses some points for his terrible taste in music.
Steve Osbourne
Really, Jason X? Who names himself after the worst movie in the Friday the Thirteenth series? Personally, I'm more fan of big, beefy guys, with strong arms. They tend to lay their opponents out pretty quick. Which is why I got behind Willy Cambridge in that match. He's got some impressive power, and it looked like he could really take a pounding. At one point, he was taking two men at once, and it barely seemed like a stretch for him. Seems like such a shame that he wilted prematurely; I really thought he was gonna go all the way with a big finish.
Jay Omega
Do you listen to what you're saying, or is the filter between your brain and your mouth broken?
Asked Jay Omega, without the slightest hint of irony. I took moment to reflect on all the numerous ridiculous, if not outright stupid, things he's said in the past. Like everything he ever said while under the tutelage of the self-proclaimed God of Terror, Brian Williams. Or when he claimed to be better looking than the marvelously mustachioed man drinking with him. Or when he--
Jay Omega
That's enough, Rodham. Now, despite Chavis' terrible taste in music, he did have the wherewithal, and good timing, to hit his Carnival of Carnage finisher on Jason Xavier. We'd show you a clip, but this club doesn't have an elevator, and I sure as fuck wasn't dragging all the equipment up here. Next week, I'll be sure to think ahead, and hire some locals to haul the gear. Anyways, it was a fantastic aerial maneouvre; spins, flips, splashes, the works. Moving on, we come to one of the highlights of my night at Blast; the Internet Championship match between JP Caliban, and Arabella Montgomery.
That's enough, Rodham. Now, despite Chavis' terrible taste in music, he did have the wherewithal, and good timing, to hit his Carnival of Carnage finisher on Jason Xavier. We'd show you a clip, but this club doesn't have an elevator, and I sure as fuck wasn't dragging all the equipment up here. Next week, I'll be sure to think ahead, and hire some locals to haul the gear. Anyways, it was a fantastic aerial maneouvre; spins, flips, splashes, the works. Moving on, we come to one of the highlights of my night at Blast; the Internet Championship match between JP Caliban, and Arabella Montgomery.
Jay sighed dramatically as her spoke her name, and his face broke into a goofy grin. As you can see, I'm not being insulting, he actually is smiling like an idiot. My words wiped the smile from his face, however, and Jesus, you really are blushing!
Steve Osbourne
Ooh, somebody's got a crush! Jay and Arabella, sitting in a tree; F-U-C- OW!
Ooh, somebody's got a crush! Jay and Arabella, sitting in a tree; F-U-C- OW!
Steve spilled his drink as he cut off, when Jay punched him hard in the shoulder, a dangerous spark in his eyes. Perhaps he really was smitten with the witch from the Deep South. I said witch! Calm down; I don't need another glass thrown at me.
Steve Osbourne
Damn, man, lighten up. Yeah, she's hot, but I'm a bigger fan of Marina Valdivia. I wish they all could be California girls. That sun-kissed blonde hair, magnificent jugs, perky boobs, and let's not forget her sweet sweater meat.
Jay Omega
You might want to watch out with that one. Seems she's got a split personality, and her other half is kind of dark.
Steve Osbourne
I'm cool with that. Just means every time is a threesome!
Jay Omega
Real classy, Steve. It's a wonder you're not drowning in a sea of women.
Steve Osbourne
But I am! That's why I don't wrestle anymore; it was cutting into all the sex I was having, and something had to go. And when faced with the choice of grabbing man-meat for money, or laying some loving on the ladies, there was really no choice at all! Now I'm a full time sex machine, taking the occasional break to get drunk, and talk about chicks with my pick-up protégé.
Damn, man, lighten up. Yeah, she's hot, but I'm a bigger fan of Marina Valdivia. I wish they all could be California girls. That sun-kissed blonde hair, magnificent jugs, perky boobs, and let's not forget her sweet sweater meat.
Jay Omega
You might want to watch out with that one. Seems she's got a split personality, and her other half is kind of dark.
Steve Osbourne
I'm cool with that. Just means every time is a threesome!
Jay Omega
Real classy, Steve. It's a wonder you're not drowning in a sea of women.
Steve Osbourne
But I am! That's why I don't wrestle anymore; it was cutting into all the sex I was having, and something had to go. And when faced with the choice of grabbing man-meat for money, or laying some loving on the ladies, there was really no choice at all! Now I'm a full time sex machine, taking the occasional break to get drunk, and talk about chicks with my pick-up protégé.
The ostentatious Osbourne set his now half empty glass back on the table, and wiped his hands on a napkin. He gently dabbed at his generous groin, soaking up the alcohol spattered on his leather pants. Steve then tossed the napkin onto the table in a manly way, and leaned back. His snakeskin blazer fell open, revealing more of his well defined abs.
Jay Omega
You keep thinking that, Steve. It's good to have dreams. Like Caliban's dream of retaining the Internet Championship. Which didn't happen, because the beautiful Miss Montgomery outshone him the way the sun outshines a candle. Her skill in the ring was superb; like a delicate surgeon excising a cancerous growth.
Steve Osbourne
Dude, if that's your idea of pillow talk, you need my help more than I thought. Surgery and cancer do not get a woman wet. Not the kind of women you want to be around, anyway. Unless you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Which I'm totally not. I like to get freaky from time to time, but there are limits.
Jay Omega
Just going to ignore that. There was some good back and forth action between Caliban and Arabella, and I admit I was a little worried near the end; when it seemed Caliban was going up top with some high hopes for a high risk payoff. But thankfully, Arabella was able to make a comeback, and unseat the Internet Champion with the Grand Rite. I really should have hired someone to bring the equipment up, so we could watch some clips; I'd love to watch Arabella plant Caliban into the canvas again.
Steve Osbourne
And I'd love to plant something in Arabella! OW! Stop hitting me, asshole!
Jay Omega
Keep it classy.
You keep thinking that, Steve. It's good to have dreams. Like Caliban's dream of retaining the Internet Championship. Which didn't happen, because the beautiful Miss Montgomery outshone him the way the sun outshines a candle. Her skill in the ring was superb; like a delicate surgeon excising a cancerous growth.
Steve Osbourne
Dude, if that's your idea of pillow talk, you need my help more than I thought. Surgery and cancer do not get a woman wet. Not the kind of women you want to be around, anyway. Unless you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Which I'm totally not. I like to get freaky from time to time, but there are limits.
Jay Omega
Just going to ignore that. There was some good back and forth action between Caliban and Arabella, and I admit I was a little worried near the end; when it seemed Caliban was going up top with some high hopes for a high risk payoff. But thankfully, Arabella was able to make a comeback, and unseat the Internet Champion with the Grand Rite. I really should have hired someone to bring the equipment up, so we could watch some clips; I'd love to watch Arabella plant Caliban into the canvas again.
Steve Osbourne
And I'd love to plant something in Arabella! OW! Stop hitting me, asshole!
Jay Omega
Keep it classy.
Jay offered in response, as he rolled the wrist of his left arm. I'll admit I know nothing about this Arabella Montgomery, but she must be something special, to have this kind of effect on the normally care-free Omega Man. Despite my previous assertions, he was actually quite a hit with the ladies during the brief time we were employed by the same company.
Jay Omega
Immediately after the match, Adam Young and the Big Time Jerks decided to do what hopeless little piss-ants usually do after getting stomped; take it out on someone who's already been beaten down. Because nothing says "tough guy" like a three on one brawl, against a guy who's having trouble standing. I'm sure that will come back to bite Adam in the ass, but I couldn't care less. I almost walked out of the arena right then, but then we got a segment involving Marina Valdivia, so I stuck around a bit longer.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, I have no idea what Marina and Allison were talking about during that segment, because I got lost in a world of micro bikinis and bubble bath. And it was a world I didn't want to leave, so I was a little upset when the People's Championship match started. I got over that real quick, though, once Chelsea Armstrong came out. Hot damn, I never realized how sexy blue hair can be on a young woman!
Jay Omega
Also in the match were Maddog Dean Diamond, and Alex Jones.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, but they're dudes, so who cares? We finally got around to talking about women, and you want to bring the conversation back to guys? Sheesh, and people call me gay? Your sexual orientation aside, this match was full of fast paced, frenetic action. Kudos to Chelsea, both for being so hot, and for picking up the win. I've been in a few three-ways myself, and it's not easy to come out on top when you've got two other dudes jockeying for position. But Chels spit Alex out of the ring, and swallowed the cheers of the fans when she hit Maddog Diamond with the Devil's Wings.
Immediately after the match, Adam Young and the Big Time Jerks decided to do what hopeless little piss-ants usually do after getting stomped; take it out on someone who's already been beaten down. Because nothing says "tough guy" like a three on one brawl, against a guy who's having trouble standing. I'm sure that will come back to bite Adam in the ass, but I couldn't care less. I almost walked out of the arena right then, but then we got a segment involving Marina Valdivia, so I stuck around a bit longer.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, I have no idea what Marina and Allison were talking about during that segment, because I got lost in a world of micro bikinis and bubble bath. And it was a world I didn't want to leave, so I was a little upset when the People's Championship match started. I got over that real quick, though, once Chelsea Armstrong came out. Hot damn, I never realized how sexy blue hair can be on a young woman!
Jay Omega
Also in the match were Maddog Dean Diamond, and Alex Jones.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, but they're dudes, so who cares? We finally got around to talking about women, and you want to bring the conversation back to guys? Sheesh, and people call me gay? Your sexual orientation aside, this match was full of fast paced, frenetic action. Kudos to Chelsea, both for being so hot, and for picking up the win. I've been in a few three-ways myself, and it's not easy to come out on top when you've got two other dudes jockeying for position. But Chels spit Alex out of the ring, and swallowed the cheers of the fans when she hit Maddog Diamond with the Devil's Wings.
I clapped my free hand to my forehead, and winced in spite of myself. No amount of spin could make those comments sound any better. Steve's glorious face fell at my comment, but Omega rudely interrupted with a slow clap before Steve could plead his case.
Jay Omega
Wow. I'd give you an award for being so ironic, except I know every word was said in all seriousness. Anyway, after the People's Championship match, we got to have a little meet and greet with Waylon Cash, and Scott Savage. I don't know the history between those two, but Waylon sure looked angry, didn't he, Steve?
Steve Osbourne
He sure did, Jay. I thought that vein in his forehead was going to explode when Savage hauled him to his feet, covering them both with a bukkake of blood. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Instead, Waylon had a little temper tantrum, and left the room. I'm glad that segment was so short; coming so hot on the heels of the tempting Chelsea, I was still in sexy-time mode when those two hit the big screen. Totally killed my wood.
Jay Omega
Gross. After that, we had the Vapor Kings in action against two members of Sequitus--
Steve Osbourne
More like Se-Quitters!
Jay Omega
Brent Alpine, and Jordan Cis... Sees... whatever his partner's name was, I don't know how to pronounce that shit.
Wow. I'd give you an award for being so ironic, except I know every word was said in all seriousness. Anyway, after the People's Championship match, we got to have a little meet and greet with Waylon Cash, and Scott Savage. I don't know the history between those two, but Waylon sure looked angry, didn't he, Steve?
Steve Osbourne
He sure did, Jay. I thought that vein in his forehead was going to explode when Savage hauled him to his feet, covering them both with a bukkake of blood. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Instead, Waylon had a little temper tantrum, and left the room. I'm glad that segment was so short; coming so hot on the heels of the tempting Chelsea, I was still in sexy-time mode when those two hit the big screen. Totally killed my wood.
Jay Omega
Gross. After that, we had the Vapor Kings in action against two members of Sequitus--
Steve Osbourne
More like Se-Quitters!
Jay Omega
Brent Alpine, and Jordan Cis... Sees... whatever his partner's name was, I don't know how to pronounce that shit.
Ciserano, I retorted smugly. Some times working behind the scenes had its advantages; like learning proper pronunciation. And who gets which dressing rooms, a talent the Super Sexy Boogeyman Slayer had made good use of in the past.
Jay Omega
You two are the epitome of refined professionalism, aren't you? Now, before the match could even begin, we had to listen to some jackhole flap his lips, because that's the only thing Buddy Roman is good at. And he's not even that good at it.
Steve Osbourne
Didn't he stir up some shit with you on Twitter?
Jay Omega
He tried. But he's just a mouthpiece, and I don't deal with intermediaries. If I ever have anything to say to the Vapor Kings, I'll say it directly. And if they ever have anything to say to me, we can hash it out in the ring, since I don't give a damn what they might have to say. Having said that, this was one of the greatest tag team matches I've seen in a long time, not counting the ones I was involved in. Fantastic action from all four men, and several close calls. I couldn't have begun to guess who might pull off the victory, right up until that, um, interesting finisher from the Vapor Kings.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, that would seriously hurt the ass. Something you know all about, don't ya, Jay? Tell me, how are you sitting so comfortably? Doesn't all that broken glass in your butt hurt?
You two are the epitome of refined professionalism, aren't you? Now, before the match could even begin, we had to listen to some jackhole flap his lips, because that's the only thing Buddy Roman is good at. And he's not even that good at it.
Steve Osbourne
Didn't he stir up some shit with you on Twitter?
Jay Omega
He tried. But he's just a mouthpiece, and I don't deal with intermediaries. If I ever have anything to say to the Vapor Kings, I'll say it directly. And if they ever have anything to say to me, we can hash it out in the ring, since I don't give a damn what they might have to say. Having said that, this was one of the greatest tag team matches I've seen in a long time, not counting the ones I was involved in. Fantastic action from all four men, and several close calls. I couldn't have begun to guess who might pull off the victory, right up until that, um, interesting finisher from the Vapor Kings.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, that would seriously hurt the ass. Something you know all about, don't ya, Jay? Tell me, how are you sitting so comfortably? Doesn't all that broken glass in your butt hurt?
I choked off a laugh before it could escape my lips, and waited for a valid response.
Jay Omega
What the hell are you talking about?
What the hell are you talking about?
Steve looked confused for a moment, echoing my own thoughts. Surely Omega wasn't so dim-witted as to be unaware of the stories floating around the Internet?
Steve Osbourne
Y'know, when you were first welcomed to the WCF, you were warned about all the butt rape, and said you were going to fill your butt with broken glass as a preventative measure.
Jay Omega
That was all on the OOC Board, dick. Don't break the fourth wall on my shows, I try very hard to get a sense of believable realism in my work.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, and it shows.
Jay Omega
Thank you.
Steve Osbourne
Not a compliment. GMILF cooch, remember?
Y'know, when you were first welcomed to the WCF, you were warned about all the butt rape, and said you were going to fill your butt with broken glass as a preventative measure.
Jay Omega
That was all on the OOC Board, dick. Don't break the fourth wall on my shows, I try very hard to get a sense of believable realism in my work.
Steve Osbourne
Yeah, and it shows.
Jay Omega
Thank you.
Steve Osbourne
Not a compliment. GMILF cooch, remember?
Jay scowled, Steve grinned, I snickered. Good times were had by all. Omega shook his head again, then turned back toward me and the camera
Jay Omega
After the Vapor Kings and Sequitus duked it out in the ring, one of those intermediaries caught up with me backstage, along with a camera, and a surprising twist from my past. I never actually got around to negotiating with Lerch, as was my intention, because I got a little sidetracked by a run-in with Hyena. You probably don't know much about him, Steve, since he and I didn't meet until after you had retired, but what were your thoughts, watching Hyena and myself beating each other senseless in the halls?
Steve Osbourne
My first thought was "Holy hell, this guy could use a dentist", quickly followed by "And a bath". I swear, I could smell his stank all the way out in the stands. I imagine he's probably pretty tough, considering there's no padding in those hallways, and the both of you were bouncing off the floor like it was spring-loaded.
Jay Omega
Oh, he is, as the WCF will soon find out. I'm glad he was able to get a contract signed; he's always up for a good scrap, so at least I'll have someone worthy to fight when I get a week off. Now, when that brawl ended, Hyena and I left the arena for drinks, so I have no idea what the rest of the night had in store. Ajira watched the show from the bar we were at, but I was too liquored up to focus on that, since I spent the whole time trying to stop Hyena from trashing the place. Which means we're going to have to go with your thoughts and views of the night's remainder. How did the next match go, Steve?
After the Vapor Kings and Sequitus duked it out in the ring, one of those intermediaries caught up with me backstage, along with a camera, and a surprising twist from my past. I never actually got around to negotiating with Lerch, as was my intention, because I got a little sidetracked by a run-in with Hyena. You probably don't know much about him, Steve, since he and I didn't meet until after you had retired, but what were your thoughts, watching Hyena and myself beating each other senseless in the halls?
Steve Osbourne
My first thought was "Holy hell, this guy could use a dentist", quickly followed by "And a bath". I swear, I could smell his stank all the way out in the stands. I imagine he's probably pretty tough, considering there's no padding in those hallways, and the both of you were bouncing off the floor like it was spring-loaded.
Jay Omega
Oh, he is, as the WCF will soon find out. I'm glad he was able to get a contract signed; he's always up for a good scrap, so at least I'll have someone worthy to fight when I get a week off. Now, when that brawl ended, Hyena and I left the arena for drinks, so I have no idea what the rest of the night had in store. Ajira watched the show from the bar we were at, but I was too liquored up to focus on that, since I spent the whole time trying to stop Hyena from trashing the place. Which means we're going to have to go with your thoughts and views of the night's remainder. How did the next match go, Steve?
Steve hung his head, and grinned sheepishly, then threw an apologetic shrug Jay's way.
Steve Osbourne
I... didn't watch the rest of the show.
Jay Omega
What? Why not?
Steve Osbourne
I heard you and Hyena talking about going to the red light district, and bolted out to the parking lot, trying to catch up with you. That was a dick move, Jay, trying to leave me to watch wrestling, while you went to titty town? I searched Kabukicho for three hours, before I got a part time job at a host club. That was pretty cool. Japanese chicks were buying me drinks all night, and all I had to do was sit there, and be my fabulous self.
I... didn't watch the rest of the show.
Jay Omega
What? Why not?
Steve Osbourne
I heard you and Hyena talking about going to the red light district, and bolted out to the parking lot, trying to catch up with you. That was a dick move, Jay, trying to leave me to watch wrestling, while you went to titty town? I searched Kabukicho for three hours, before I got a part time job at a host club. That was pretty cool. Japanese chicks were buying me drinks all night, and all I had to do was sit there, and be my fabulous self.
Jay shook his head yet again, in obvious disbelief at this turn of events. Though really, it was his own fault. Did he honestly expect the masculine model of mating to sit in an arena watching men fight, when he could be drinking, and watching women strip? One would think Omega didn't know Steve at all.
Jay Omega
So, none of us watched the rest of the show? And we don't have the equipment with us to rectify that. You realize we didn't even get through half the card? This whole idea has been a fucking bust. Who's going to take this shit seriously, if our first episode is full of such incompetence?
Steve Osbourne
Whoa, slow your roll, hombre! Why should we expect people to take this seriously? Where's the fun in that? I say, just swallow this load of BS, and then ham it up next week. Keep your head in the game, but don't let the game get into your head. Besides, I forgot to charge the camera anyway; it's not like we'd have made it through all of Blast before it cut out on us.
Jay
And what makes you so sure we're going to do this again next week? This was an awful lot of work, for no payoff.
Steve Osbourne
No payoff, besides having a hell of a night, and getting to talk shit about your co-workers. Plus all the booze. And the babes. And the boobs. Have a little faith, my friend. I'm sure by the time next week rolls around, you'll have so many hits on this video, you'd be stupid not to do another one. And as time goes by, and you get to know some of the people you're working with, maybe you can invite one or two along for an episode. Let's end this on a high note, shall we? We are the Cockblockers, called such because--
Jay Omega
We're the two most cock blocking...
Steve Osbourne
Boot knocking...
Jay Omega
Panty peeling...
Steve Osbourne
Girlfriend stealing...
Jay Omega
Party crashing...
Steve Osbourne
Hater bashing...
Jay Omega
Dope smoking...
Steve Osbourne
Hole poking...
Jay Omega
Man whores to have ever graced a ring! And if you're not down with that, we've got two words for ya...
So, none of us watched the rest of the show? And we don't have the equipment with us to rectify that. You realize we didn't even get through half the card? This whole idea has been a fucking bust. Who's going to take this shit seriously, if our first episode is full of such incompetence?
Steve Osbourne
Whoa, slow your roll, hombre! Why should we expect people to take this seriously? Where's the fun in that? I say, just swallow this load of BS, and then ham it up next week. Keep your head in the game, but don't let the game get into your head. Besides, I forgot to charge the camera anyway; it's not like we'd have made it through all of Blast before it cut out on us.
Jay
And what makes you so sure we're going to do this again next week? This was an awful lot of work, for no payoff.
Steve Osbourne
No payoff, besides having a hell of a night, and getting to talk shit about your co-workers. Plus all the booze. And the babes. And the boobs. Have a little faith, my friend. I'm sure by the time next week rolls around, you'll have so many hits on this video, you'd be stupid not to do another one. And as time goes by, and you get to know some of the people you're working with, maybe you can invite one or two along for an episode. Let's end this on a high note, shall we? We are the Cockblockers, called such because--
Jay Omega
We're the two most cock blocking...
Steve Osbourne
Boot knocking...
Jay Omega
Panty peeling...
Steve Osbourne
Girlfriend stealing...
Jay Omega
Party crashing...
Steve Osbourne
Hater bashing...
Jay Omega
Dope smoking...
Steve Osbourne
Hole poking...
Jay Omega
Man whores to have ever graced a ring! And if you're not down with that, we've got two words for ya...
Jay and Steve glanced at each other, and nodded at the same time.
Jay Omega
Good night!
Steve Osbourne
Not gay!
Good night!
Steve Osbourne
Not gay!
Steve gave Jay a look that said "what the hell", but Jay only laughed at him, and signaled to me to cut the feed. Our scene faded to black.