Post by Dr. Remus Micayle on Mar 1, 2014 11:22:31 GMT -5
Potential threat detected.
- Newcomer (?nü-?k?-m?r, ?nyü-): A person who has recently arrived somewhere or who has recently started a new activity. A something new that has recently been added or created, one recently arrived. Beginner, rookie. First Known Use: 15th century.
Potential solution found.
- Thrashing (?thrash-ing): To hit (someone or something) very hard with a stick, whip, etc, to defeat (someone or something) very easily or completely. To move about violently. To separate the seeds of from the husks and straw by beating. To beat soundly with or as if with a stick or whip: flog. To defeat decisively or severely. To swing, beat, or strike in the manner of a rapidly moving flail. To go over again and again. To hammer out: forge, thresh. To deal blows or strokes like one using a flail or whip. To move or stir about violently: toss about. First Known Use: 1568
Application of solution in progress.
Interviewer’s note: Doctor Remus Micayle is an Arizona native currently signed to the Wrestling Championship Federation (WCF) in his first reign as WCF United States Champion. A former academic with Stanford University, Micayle entered the world of professional wrestling at a relative late age. His thesis on combat science opened the door for him to be involved in the world of wrestling in 2009, where he trained in Japan. Working for the past five years all over the world, including gigs in Israel, Canada, and Russia, the aptly-nicknamed ‘Scientist’ successfully returned home to America late last year, winning the prestigious United States Championship in a brutal First Blood match at WCF’s marquee PPV ONE. We were fortunate enough to have the up-and-rising superstar sit down with us in our Colorado office yesterday and have an interview with us.
Writer: Jon Eaden
Jon Eaden (JE): Good day Doctor Micayle, so glad you could join us today. I wanted to start with a couple of background questions. How would you describe yourself as a wrestler in a nutshell? And your battle style?
Doctor Remus Micayle (DRM): Hello to you too. As you should have already known, I am the current WCF United States champion. This means that I should be at the very least considered one of the top fighters in one of the most competitive federations in the United States. However you wish to interpret that statement, I shall leave it up to you. My preferred in-ring style is that of a brawler. Having been trained in MMA ever since I was a teenager, I find that stiff kicks and tight submission clinches often do the job as well, if not better than your traditional wrestling suplexes and holds. It might not be the prettiest fighting modus operandi, but trust me when I say it works. After all… that’s what that garnered me my title.
JE: Interesting. What got you in to wrestling, and how long are you in the business?
DRM: Well, not a lot of people know this, but after completing my Masters degree in 2005, I was at a bit of a loss as to what thesis I was to write up for my Ph.D. Having entered college relatively early and done science for the majority of my academic career, it was actually a tad banal to continue my usual route. After brainstorming and being in a dilemma for a long time, I finally decided to write up about combat science. The science of the perfect fighting style, if you will. After numerous watchings of martial arts and combat sports, I finally chanced upon the missing piece - professional wrestling. And as they say, the rest is history.
JE: It’s not the usual path for a wrestler, is it? Not many professional wrestlers out there actually finish college. But you on the other hand, have not only just a Bachelors and a Masters degree, but also a Ph.D!
DRM: (laughs) It’s quite abnormal, now that you have mentioned it. Being the intelligent and humble human being that I am, it is rather infuriating at times when you are forced to collaborate with some of the other wrestlers in the ring. Some of them have education levels so low that you can never believe it. Take The Original Gangster for instance; the last time we worked together, he messed up big! I told him to make up his mind on an issue, and he actually grabbed a tube of lipstick and applied it on his head so that he can do so! So you see, I’m dealing with a fair bunch of obtuse breathers almost everyday.
JE: (laughs) Goodness me, I can imagine your pain.
DRM: Indeed. But being the magnanimous man that I am, I am certain that my intellect has rubbed off on some of the wrestlers backstage. I do conduct educational segments and videos for the WCF Galaxy regularly, so hopefully, some of the boys backstage learn from me as well. As the United States Champion, it falls to me to ensure that the national IQ level increases.
JE: And I certainly hope it does. But I hope all these outside activities don’t compromise your own standards too much as well, Doctor. In spite of all the charity you do for your peers and the fans, what’s a typical day of training like for you?
DRM: Oh, it never will, trust me. A typical day for me starts at 8 a.m., where I hit the weights and treadmill until lunch. It’s a pretty interesting situation really because after the physically intense morning, I spend the next two hours studying up on the latest going-ons on the world and the scientific world. Say about 3 p.m, when the food is all digested and I recovered from the morning exercise, I’ll go on with my wrestling techniques till about 8 p.m. All work before the fun starts, really. All the other wrestlers who say that training isn’t important? Ha! They are probably all washed-up individuals who have an expiry date. For me? Well, I’m just getting better every day.
JE: Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the first match you had for WCF was the United States bout against Ryan Rhodes. What, if anything do you remember about the match?
DRM: The night that I won my first piece of gold here in the States? Of course I do. After all, it was also the very first night I stepped in to the ring with an active wrestler here in the WCF, and one tends not to forget such moments. It was quite a splendid match, actually. More so for me than for dear Ryan, if I dare say. Near the finish of the match, I socked him in the head with a punch that split his skin apart and drew blood. Magical, if you asked me. Now, almost three months later, I am still the WCF United States Champion, while he has returned home to wherever he has come from to retire in shame.
JE: And this week, you have an opponent in Jordan Ciserano, where the two of you will be facing off for that belt again. Any thoughts about that?
DRM: As a matter of fact… yes. I don’t really know how he managed to sneak one past the booking committee, but somehow or another, the curtain jerker successfully booked himself in to a match with yours truly. This is truly incredible, given his losing record as of late. I don’t want to sound overconfident here, but I will be honestly very surprised if he manages to last more than ten minutes with me in the ring. From what I’ve seen of him thus far, he is nothing but fresh. A couple of blows to his head ought to wake him up from the self-induced sense of megalomania he seems to be in.
JE: But then again, it might turn out to be a team effort. Jordan Ciserano has friends in the locker room, and I am sure that the likes of Cormack MacNeill and Jordan Caliban will be willing to do whatever it takes to take the championship off you and place it on a friendly face.
DRM: They might, but it’s simple really. Come Sunday, if anyone save Ciserano touches me, I will destroy their entire career after the match. I don’t care who they think they are. And I don’t care what they want. If they are looking for a fortune by defeating me, I can tell you that forcing me to vacate that title doesn’t lose me anything. But what I will lose is my temper; and when I lose it, I tend to be a little… more liberal with my skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If his friends decide to play it smart and let Jordan Ciserano fight his own fight, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for them, and I will not pursue them. But if they don’t, I will look for them, I will find them… and I will kill them.
JE: Strong words from a strong man. Thank you so much Doctor. I wish you the very best.
DRM: As do I. Jordan is going to need more than luck if he wishes to rip the title off my hands. I’ll see both you and him on Sunday.
www.wcfwrestling.com/doctor.remus.micayle/blog/post=6
A very good day to all you loyal readers. I do hope you enjoyed Timebomb, because I most certainly did. As I predicted, the team of Mark Dillinger and Doctor Remus Micayle was stupendous. Tyler Walker and Biohazard stood no chance against our combined assault, and although dear Mark tried his very best, his body was still weak, and it was up your beloved United States champion to save the day and get the pin for the team.
Another impressive feat from an impressive man.
Initially, I was about to ask for the week off in order to tend to some… issues regarding the rehabilitation of Mark, sometimes, life throws a spanner in the works and ruins your plans for the weekend. But alas, that is not to be! I received a message just after Timebomb, telling me that I would have a championship bout on Slam, thus changing everything at short notice. But no matter, for I am the reigning WCF United States champion, and if there’s one core value that I advocate, it is that of ethics. Always do the right thing, even if no one is watching, and as the representative of the United States of America, I find that it is my duty to make sure that I do my job well every single time.
But imagine my surprise when I found out who my opponent would be. The man that forced my experimenting to be halted for yet another week. Not Michael Steele, the former soldier who so traitorously left the service in an attempt to escape his crimes. Not Natural ICE Beckman, who so callously decides to ruin his health by drinking and drinking and drinking. Not even Benjamin, whom I would have dearly loved to destroy yet again. Who?
Well… it’s someone who in a million years, I would have never expected to be awarded a championship match.
Jordan Ciserano.
Yes. That mall rat lookalike currently hounding the rest of the locker room with his so-called buddies - Cormack MacNeill and the other slightly-less-incapable Jordan.
Now, I must admit that I don’t know a lot about the young man, except for the fact that he hails from the beautiful state of New York and he apparently has a bone to pick with the Pantheon stable, despite the fact that he has barely been in the federation for less than a month. Call it what you will, but in the beautiful land of Arizona where I come from, a stripling who steps in to an unknown place and starts being a bighorn, threatening anyone and everyone will get his or her head blown apart with a double-barrelled shotgun. No questions asked. The beauty of the ‘Stand-Your-Ground’ law, you see, which in my humble opinion ought to be legal in every single country in the world. How else can you defend yourself against armed hoodlums and ruffians who may try to accost you at a deserted street corner?
But I digress. This post isn’t about the heated gun control debate (which by the way is completely nonsensical; guns are PARAMOUNT in today’s society!) - it’s about my United States Championship match on Sunday. Now, all of you readers know me as a humble, intelligent, charming, polite yet unassuming champion who does naught but respect his fellow competitors and colleagues, so this may come as a bit of a shock to you when I say this.
Jordan Ciserano is a joke.
You got that right, I just said it. He’s a joke. A cretin. An Aunt Sally, even! Nothing but a complete and utter embarrassment to the word ‘challenger’.
How can it be that a youngling who has accomplished absolutely NOTHING of note thus far gain the highly-regarded position of number one contender? From my understanding, Jordan Ciserano - whom I shall refer to as Lesser Jordan from now on - just endured the beating of his lifetime at Timebomb, not being able to handle a clutch situation and causing his team to lose the opportunity to win the WCF Tag Team Championships! Has our loveable boss Seth Lerch decided that in today’s ever-changing society, losing is considered the new winning? Explains a lot really, why despite having his behind handed to him in a title contendership match last Sunday, he is getting yet another title opportunity this week. And this is even without us going further in depth and analysing the not-so-impressive credentials on his WCF record!
This is a travesty, honestly. No other words could describe this entire situation.
Now, I am sure that one or two of you might compare the situation Lesser Jordan is in right now to the state of affairs the WCF was in when I first arrived in the federation. But let me assure all of you loyal readers that things could not have been more different. And why? Because of the following:
1) His ‘first-class’ performances thus far.
2) A less-than-effective fighting style.
3) Joining an alliance that is no-doubt bound to fail.
4) Name recognition.
5) Lesser Jordan is… simply lesser of a wrestler than me.
Five points, all of which are extremely relevant. Do allow me to elaborate on why Lesser Jordan is NOT a worthy competitor to my United States title, and why he is nothing but a long-haired hippie with barely enough talent to play second fiddle to the likes of notable-second fiddles Johnny Deep and Biohazard. Perhaps at the end of the read, those of you imbeciles who don’t already see the potential danger in Doctor Remus Micayle taking on Lesser Jordan will know why there is one.
Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the knowledge as I drop it in to your vacuous minds. I promise I’ll do my best to both educate and entertain.
First of all, fact number one - his ‘outstanding’ record in the ring as a member of the WCF roster. Now, we all know that in a professional wrestling company, the best of the best win championships and are promoted much more regularly than the inferior athletes. There is a reason why fighters like myself, Jonny Fly, and even hedonistic barbarians like Steve Orbit and Logan get the respect and recognition from the rest of the locker room. It is simple: you know you are a good wrestler when you actually win matches. If you cannot even fulfil that simple mission, why are you even in the business of beating up another person?
That is the question I actually wish to pose to you, Lesser Jordan, if you somehow manage to read this. Ever since your entry in to the WCF, your record stands at an abysmal low. True, it’s not half as bad as some of the other lemons that have since been ‘future endeavoured’, but it’s not exactly the most awe-inspiring achievement, is it? 1-3-0 is a horrible statistic to have, and one I don’t exactly expect my number one contenders - heck, a professional wrestler - to possess! When other pugilists such as Seifer Armstrong and Chase Michaels possess a superior record to you and they don’t even get a shot at this title, you have to ask yourself… do you actually deserve it? When you end up on your back in defeat week-in and week-out? When you fail to have your hand raised in the air triumphantly despite your very best effort? Here’s a piece of advice from a seasoned professional: analyse your losses and ask yourself why you lost that match, amateur! Only then can you hope to improve and perhaps work on avoiding the same mistake(s) that led to your downfall.
I am by no means going to hand over my treasured WCF United States Championship to a certified loser like yourself. Not for a billion dollars, and definitely not when I am still standing tall as the sole representative of the United States of America.
Next up, we have fact number two - Lesser Jordan’s less-than-effective fighting style. I’ve seen his battles over the course of the past few Slams, and I am nothing but amused by the simple and feeble strikes and grapples he actually considers legitimate moves. Take his trademark move for instance, the crowd-pleasing Ciserano Super Kick that he performed on The Wild Gangsters a couple of weeks ago. A hilarious manoeuvre if I have ever seen one! How ever it could defeat a man is beyond me, but hey, we are talking about The Wild Gangsters here. Even a simple kick to the gut would incapacitate the duo and send them to the hospital.
And the Ciserano ’Not-So-Super’ Kick is not even the worst of his attacks! From what I understand from the locker room vineyard, he has been bragging about his coup de grace to anyone who would listen - the formidable Bull Horns strike. A headbutt to the chest? Seriously? Does Lesser Jordan realise that this place is an actual authentic wrestling organisation, not some pre-planned acting gig?
I’ll give him credit though; he has the right idea that strikes are the way to best impair an opponent. With the right mixture of power, speed, and velocity, a well-placed punch to one’s head is comparable with a sledgehammer blow. That actually, is one of the reasons why I choose to utilise my patented “Formula” clothesline to take out my foes. The Bull Horns headbutt has the same traits, I suppose, but it is by far the most abnormal strike I have seen in my wrestling career. As a scientist, I highly doubt that it has the proper strength and ‘ooph’ factor behind it to constitute a viable attack, especially when you cater in the fact that it places Lesser Jordan’s head in a most vulnerable position. One can easily sidestep the headbutt and land a undefended blow to his body, turning the tide of the battle against him.
Trust me. If he is so foolish as to even attempt that silly move on me, I will not hesitate to put him out of business. A well-timed blow to the back of his neck should be more than sufficient to claim victory. All the more better if it would cripple his worthless body.
In addition, we have fact number three - his cute little stable that’s bound to fail in the near future. Sequitus has been a thorn in the side for the management team for a long while now. They claim to be the rebels that the company needs, a common platform for the oppressed and the downtrodden of the federation to rally behind. Well, to that I say… bah, humbug.
The foundation of this entire body is flawed to begin with. With a linguistically-challenged bum like Jordan Caliban leading the group, one can only begin to suspect the mental faculties of Lesser Jordan and Cormack MacNeill. Why else would two curtain jerkers - limited in terms of their career potential, but appearing to be sound both physically and cerebrally - associate themselves with someone who doesn’t look like he has a clue as to what he is doing? Why join in his suicide mission to ‘prove a point’ to Pantheon?
Hello, time for a wake-up call. To all three of you oafs. Despite what you might think you are doing over the course of the last few weeks, I am here to tell you that it will ultimately backfire in due time. Your snarky remarks on Twitter (yes, I am not ashamed to say that I pay attention to the sewage that trickles down my newsfeed at times) and on-camera antics are admirable to say the least, but they still prove no point. Up till this day, I have no idea why your group is so intent on making Pantheon’s life a living hell, when they have done absolutely nothing wrong as of yet. This misinformed group will not achieve much in today’s climate, where it is every dog for himself.
I predict that in a few months, if Sequitus even makes it that long, that both Lesser Jordan and Cormack MacNeill start drifting away from this imaginary political injustice that Jordan Caliban seems completely focused on righting. Perhaps a spat will break out between all three parties and it will result in a dissolution, who knows? It’s just pure entertainment for me as a spectator to watch the walls crumble down on what appears to be a fragile alliance at best.
The penultimate fact - the sad truth that despite his antics over the past few weeks, he is still not on the radar of most (if any!) of the casual WCF fans. Point number four ties in with point number three rather well. As I have mentioned, and as you would have no doubt realised if you are a loyal WCF viewer, Lesser Jordan and his ragtag group of avengers have ran rod-shod all over our weekly Sunday show. But despite their best efforts at antagonising Pantheon, the WCF suits, and close to every WCF fan in America, there’s one thing that they have failed to achieve. And it is something that in today’s professional wrestling world, you cannot do without.
Recognition.
And by that, I don’t mean respect from your peers. I mean adulation from the audience, silent nods of approval from the most staunch members of the WCF Galaxy, perhaps even a rousing round of applause whenever you approach the ring - much like I get every week when I address the crowd. Even with the numerous ways Lesser Jordan tries to engage the fans, the fact of the matter is that they are simply not interested in what he has to say! I mean, just sit back in your recliner and think about it, dear reader. Reflect on what Lesser Jordan and his cronies have done these few weeks and contemplate on whether they have affected your lives. Have they done anything so noteworthy that you just have to shake your head in disbelief?
No? Well, I guessed so. Not everyone can be as successful and interesting as yours truly, I suppose. Science is an educational tool that not everyone can master, and I am glad that I have let you all reap the benefits of my supreme mind. And by the way, you’re welcome for that.
And finally, rounding all the arguments that I have just presented is fact number five - the sad truth that Lesser Jordan is simply not in my league. I know it may seem obvious, but I’m just going to address both the physical and mental advantages I possess over him. Standing at six foot five and weighing in at approximately two hundred and forty pounds, I know I am not the biggest guy in the locker room. But Lesser Jordan, on the other hand, stands at six foot one and barely one hundred and ninety pounds. My biceps are probably the size of his thighs, and let us not even talk about the obvious difference between our two Intellectual Quotients. Enough said, don’t you think?
And there’s that, my list as to why Lesser Jordan, also known as Jordan Ciserano, is bound for failure this Sunday! I do hope he is a masochist, because The Perspicacious One is going to make him pay for even daring to step in the same ring as a true American. It’s going to be a bloodbath, so for those of you who have an aversion to gore, my advice is to stay clear. Though it may be an affront to me to have such a pathetic challenger, it is a job and such mere annoyances are a part of the job. If he thinks he is capable of challenging yours truly for the title… well, good luck.
The Formula will be taught to you.
Cheers to all, and if Lesser Jordan is smart… he’ll just skip Sunday altogether.
Remus Micayle, Ph. D.
- Newcomer (?nü-?k?-m?r, ?nyü-): A person who has recently arrived somewhere or who has recently started a new activity. A something new that has recently been added or created, one recently arrived. Beginner, rookie. First Known Use: 15th century.
Potential solution found.
- Thrashing (?thrash-ing): To hit (someone or something) very hard with a stick, whip, etc, to defeat (someone or something) very easily or completely. To move about violently. To separate the seeds of from the husks and straw by beating. To beat soundly with or as if with a stick or whip: flog. To defeat decisively or severely. To swing, beat, or strike in the manner of a rapidly moving flail. To go over again and again. To hammer out: forge, thresh. To deal blows or strokes like one using a flail or whip. To move or stir about violently: toss about. First Known Use: 1568
Application of solution in progress.
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The Brain-Brawn Amalgamation
Photo courtesy of WCFWrestling.com
Interviewer’s note: Doctor Remus Micayle is an Arizona native currently signed to the Wrestling Championship Federation (WCF) in his first reign as WCF United States Champion. A former academic with Stanford University, Micayle entered the world of professional wrestling at a relative late age. His thesis on combat science opened the door for him to be involved in the world of wrestling in 2009, where he trained in Japan. Working for the past five years all over the world, including gigs in Israel, Canada, and Russia, the aptly-nicknamed ‘Scientist’ successfully returned home to America late last year, winning the prestigious United States Championship in a brutal First Blood match at WCF’s marquee PPV ONE. We were fortunate enough to have the up-and-rising superstar sit down with us in our Colorado office yesterday and have an interview with us.
Writer: Jon Eaden
Jon Eaden (JE): Good day Doctor Micayle, so glad you could join us today. I wanted to start with a couple of background questions. How would you describe yourself as a wrestler in a nutshell? And your battle style?
Doctor Remus Micayle (DRM): Hello to you too. As you should have already known, I am the current WCF United States champion. This means that I should be at the very least considered one of the top fighters in one of the most competitive federations in the United States. However you wish to interpret that statement, I shall leave it up to you. My preferred in-ring style is that of a brawler. Having been trained in MMA ever since I was a teenager, I find that stiff kicks and tight submission clinches often do the job as well, if not better than your traditional wrestling suplexes and holds. It might not be the prettiest fighting modus operandi, but trust me when I say it works. After all… that’s what that garnered me my title.
JE: Interesting. What got you in to wrestling, and how long are you in the business?
DRM: Well, not a lot of people know this, but after completing my Masters degree in 2005, I was at a bit of a loss as to what thesis I was to write up for my Ph.D. Having entered college relatively early and done science for the majority of my academic career, it was actually a tad banal to continue my usual route. After brainstorming and being in a dilemma for a long time, I finally decided to write up about combat science. The science of the perfect fighting style, if you will. After numerous watchings of martial arts and combat sports, I finally chanced upon the missing piece - professional wrestling. And as they say, the rest is history.
JE: It’s not the usual path for a wrestler, is it? Not many professional wrestlers out there actually finish college. But you on the other hand, have not only just a Bachelors and a Masters degree, but also a Ph.D!
DRM: (laughs) It’s quite abnormal, now that you have mentioned it. Being the intelligent and humble human being that I am, it is rather infuriating at times when you are forced to collaborate with some of the other wrestlers in the ring. Some of them have education levels so low that you can never believe it. Take The Original Gangster for instance; the last time we worked together, he messed up big! I told him to make up his mind on an issue, and he actually grabbed a tube of lipstick and applied it on his head so that he can do so! So you see, I’m dealing with a fair bunch of obtuse breathers almost everyday.
JE: (laughs) Goodness me, I can imagine your pain.
DRM: Indeed. But being the magnanimous man that I am, I am certain that my intellect has rubbed off on some of the wrestlers backstage. I do conduct educational segments and videos for the WCF Galaxy regularly, so hopefully, some of the boys backstage learn from me as well. As the United States Champion, it falls to me to ensure that the national IQ level increases.
JE: And I certainly hope it does. But I hope all these outside activities don’t compromise your own standards too much as well, Doctor. In spite of all the charity you do for your peers and the fans, what’s a typical day of training like for you?
DRM: Oh, it never will, trust me. A typical day for me starts at 8 a.m., where I hit the weights and treadmill until lunch. It’s a pretty interesting situation really because after the physically intense morning, I spend the next two hours studying up on the latest going-ons on the world and the scientific world. Say about 3 p.m, when the food is all digested and I recovered from the morning exercise, I’ll go on with my wrestling techniques till about 8 p.m. All work before the fun starts, really. All the other wrestlers who say that training isn’t important? Ha! They are probably all washed-up individuals who have an expiry date. For me? Well, I’m just getting better every day.
JE: Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the first match you had for WCF was the United States bout against Ryan Rhodes. What, if anything do you remember about the match?
DRM: The night that I won my first piece of gold here in the States? Of course I do. After all, it was also the very first night I stepped in to the ring with an active wrestler here in the WCF, and one tends not to forget such moments. It was quite a splendid match, actually. More so for me than for dear Ryan, if I dare say. Near the finish of the match, I socked him in the head with a punch that split his skin apart and drew blood. Magical, if you asked me. Now, almost three months later, I am still the WCF United States Champion, while he has returned home to wherever he has come from to retire in shame.
JE: And this week, you have an opponent in Jordan Ciserano, where the two of you will be facing off for that belt again. Any thoughts about that?
DRM: As a matter of fact… yes. I don’t really know how he managed to sneak one past the booking committee, but somehow or another, the curtain jerker successfully booked himself in to a match with yours truly. This is truly incredible, given his losing record as of late. I don’t want to sound overconfident here, but I will be honestly very surprised if he manages to last more than ten minutes with me in the ring. From what I’ve seen of him thus far, he is nothing but fresh. A couple of blows to his head ought to wake him up from the self-induced sense of megalomania he seems to be in.
JE: But then again, it might turn out to be a team effort. Jordan Ciserano has friends in the locker room, and I am sure that the likes of Cormack MacNeill and Jordan Caliban will be willing to do whatever it takes to take the championship off you and place it on a friendly face.
DRM: They might, but it’s simple really. Come Sunday, if anyone save Ciserano touches me, I will destroy their entire career after the match. I don’t care who they think they are. And I don’t care what they want. If they are looking for a fortune by defeating me, I can tell you that forcing me to vacate that title doesn’t lose me anything. But what I will lose is my temper; and when I lose it, I tend to be a little… more liberal with my skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like them. If his friends decide to play it smart and let Jordan Ciserano fight his own fight, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for them, and I will not pursue them. But if they don’t, I will look for them, I will find them… and I will kill them.
JE: Strong words from a strong man. Thank you so much Doctor. I wish you the very best.
DRM: As do I. Jordan is going to need more than luck if he wishes to rip the title off my hands. I’ll see both you and him on Sunday.
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A very good day to all you loyal readers. I do hope you enjoyed Timebomb, because I most certainly did. As I predicted, the team of Mark Dillinger and Doctor Remus Micayle was stupendous. Tyler Walker and Biohazard stood no chance against our combined assault, and although dear Mark tried his very best, his body was still weak, and it was up your beloved United States champion to save the day and get the pin for the team.
Another impressive feat from an impressive man.
Initially, I was about to ask for the week off in order to tend to some… issues regarding the rehabilitation of Mark, sometimes, life throws a spanner in the works and ruins your plans for the weekend. But alas, that is not to be! I received a message just after Timebomb, telling me that I would have a championship bout on Slam, thus changing everything at short notice. But no matter, for I am the reigning WCF United States champion, and if there’s one core value that I advocate, it is that of ethics. Always do the right thing, even if no one is watching, and as the representative of the United States of America, I find that it is my duty to make sure that I do my job well every single time.
But imagine my surprise when I found out who my opponent would be. The man that forced my experimenting to be halted for yet another week. Not Michael Steele, the former soldier who so traitorously left the service in an attempt to escape his crimes. Not Natural ICE Beckman, who so callously decides to ruin his health by drinking and drinking and drinking. Not even Benjamin, whom I would have dearly loved to destroy yet again. Who?
Well… it’s someone who in a million years, I would have never expected to be awarded a championship match.
Jordan Ciserano.
Yes. That mall rat lookalike currently hounding the rest of the locker room with his so-called buddies - Cormack MacNeill and the other slightly-less-incapable Jordan.
Now, I must admit that I don’t know a lot about the young man, except for the fact that he hails from the beautiful state of New York and he apparently has a bone to pick with the Pantheon stable, despite the fact that he has barely been in the federation for less than a month. Call it what you will, but in the beautiful land of Arizona where I come from, a stripling who steps in to an unknown place and starts being a bighorn, threatening anyone and everyone will get his or her head blown apart with a double-barrelled shotgun. No questions asked. The beauty of the ‘Stand-Your-Ground’ law, you see, which in my humble opinion ought to be legal in every single country in the world. How else can you defend yourself against armed hoodlums and ruffians who may try to accost you at a deserted street corner?
But I digress. This post isn’t about the heated gun control debate (which by the way is completely nonsensical; guns are PARAMOUNT in today’s society!) - it’s about my United States Championship match on Sunday. Now, all of you readers know me as a humble, intelligent, charming, polite yet unassuming champion who does naught but respect his fellow competitors and colleagues, so this may come as a bit of a shock to you when I say this.
Jordan Ciserano is a joke.
You got that right, I just said it. He’s a joke. A cretin. An Aunt Sally, even! Nothing but a complete and utter embarrassment to the word ‘challenger’.
How can it be that a youngling who has accomplished absolutely NOTHING of note thus far gain the highly-regarded position of number one contender? From my understanding, Jordan Ciserano - whom I shall refer to as Lesser Jordan from now on - just endured the beating of his lifetime at Timebomb, not being able to handle a clutch situation and causing his team to lose the opportunity to win the WCF Tag Team Championships! Has our loveable boss Seth Lerch decided that in today’s ever-changing society, losing is considered the new winning? Explains a lot really, why despite having his behind handed to him in a title contendership match last Sunday, he is getting yet another title opportunity this week. And this is even without us going further in depth and analysing the not-so-impressive credentials on his WCF record!
This is a travesty, honestly. No other words could describe this entire situation.
Now, I am sure that one or two of you might compare the situation Lesser Jordan is in right now to the state of affairs the WCF was in when I first arrived in the federation. But let me assure all of you loyal readers that things could not have been more different. And why? Because of the following:
1) His ‘first-class’ performances thus far.
2) A less-than-effective fighting style.
3) Joining an alliance that is no-doubt bound to fail.
4) Name recognition.
5) Lesser Jordan is… simply lesser of a wrestler than me.
Five points, all of which are extremely relevant. Do allow me to elaborate on why Lesser Jordan is NOT a worthy competitor to my United States title, and why he is nothing but a long-haired hippie with barely enough talent to play second fiddle to the likes of notable-second fiddles Johnny Deep and Biohazard. Perhaps at the end of the read, those of you imbeciles who don’t already see the potential danger in Doctor Remus Micayle taking on Lesser Jordan will know why there is one.
Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the knowledge as I drop it in to your vacuous minds. I promise I’ll do my best to both educate and entertain.
First of all, fact number one - his ‘outstanding’ record in the ring as a member of the WCF roster. Now, we all know that in a professional wrestling company, the best of the best win championships and are promoted much more regularly than the inferior athletes. There is a reason why fighters like myself, Jonny Fly, and even hedonistic barbarians like Steve Orbit and Logan get the respect and recognition from the rest of the locker room. It is simple: you know you are a good wrestler when you actually win matches. If you cannot even fulfil that simple mission, why are you even in the business of beating up another person?
That is the question I actually wish to pose to you, Lesser Jordan, if you somehow manage to read this. Ever since your entry in to the WCF, your record stands at an abysmal low. True, it’s not half as bad as some of the other lemons that have since been ‘future endeavoured’, but it’s not exactly the most awe-inspiring achievement, is it? 1-3-0 is a horrible statistic to have, and one I don’t exactly expect my number one contenders - heck, a professional wrestler - to possess! When other pugilists such as Seifer Armstrong and Chase Michaels possess a superior record to you and they don’t even get a shot at this title, you have to ask yourself… do you actually deserve it? When you end up on your back in defeat week-in and week-out? When you fail to have your hand raised in the air triumphantly despite your very best effort? Here’s a piece of advice from a seasoned professional: analyse your losses and ask yourself why you lost that match, amateur! Only then can you hope to improve and perhaps work on avoiding the same mistake(s) that led to your downfall.
I am by no means going to hand over my treasured WCF United States Championship to a certified loser like yourself. Not for a billion dollars, and definitely not when I am still standing tall as the sole representative of the United States of America.
Next up, we have fact number two - Lesser Jordan’s less-than-effective fighting style. I’ve seen his battles over the course of the past few Slams, and I am nothing but amused by the simple and feeble strikes and grapples he actually considers legitimate moves. Take his trademark move for instance, the crowd-pleasing Ciserano Super Kick that he performed on The Wild Gangsters a couple of weeks ago. A hilarious manoeuvre if I have ever seen one! How ever it could defeat a man is beyond me, but hey, we are talking about The Wild Gangsters here. Even a simple kick to the gut would incapacitate the duo and send them to the hospital.
And the Ciserano ’Not-So-Super’ Kick is not even the worst of his attacks! From what I understand from the locker room vineyard, he has been bragging about his coup de grace to anyone who would listen - the formidable Bull Horns strike. A headbutt to the chest? Seriously? Does Lesser Jordan realise that this place is an actual authentic wrestling organisation, not some pre-planned acting gig?
I’ll give him credit though; he has the right idea that strikes are the way to best impair an opponent. With the right mixture of power, speed, and velocity, a well-placed punch to one’s head is comparable with a sledgehammer blow. That actually, is one of the reasons why I choose to utilise my patented “Formula” clothesline to take out my foes. The Bull Horns headbutt has the same traits, I suppose, but it is by far the most abnormal strike I have seen in my wrestling career. As a scientist, I highly doubt that it has the proper strength and ‘ooph’ factor behind it to constitute a viable attack, especially when you cater in the fact that it places Lesser Jordan’s head in a most vulnerable position. One can easily sidestep the headbutt and land a undefended blow to his body, turning the tide of the battle against him.
Trust me. If he is so foolish as to even attempt that silly move on me, I will not hesitate to put him out of business. A well-timed blow to the back of his neck should be more than sufficient to claim victory. All the more better if it would cripple his worthless body.
In addition, we have fact number three - his cute little stable that’s bound to fail in the near future. Sequitus has been a thorn in the side for the management team for a long while now. They claim to be the rebels that the company needs, a common platform for the oppressed and the downtrodden of the federation to rally behind. Well, to that I say… bah, humbug.
The foundation of this entire body is flawed to begin with. With a linguistically-challenged bum like Jordan Caliban leading the group, one can only begin to suspect the mental faculties of Lesser Jordan and Cormack MacNeill. Why else would two curtain jerkers - limited in terms of their career potential, but appearing to be sound both physically and cerebrally - associate themselves with someone who doesn’t look like he has a clue as to what he is doing? Why join in his suicide mission to ‘prove a point’ to Pantheon?
Hello, time for a wake-up call. To all three of you oafs. Despite what you might think you are doing over the course of the last few weeks, I am here to tell you that it will ultimately backfire in due time. Your snarky remarks on Twitter (yes, I am not ashamed to say that I pay attention to the sewage that trickles down my newsfeed at times) and on-camera antics are admirable to say the least, but they still prove no point. Up till this day, I have no idea why your group is so intent on making Pantheon’s life a living hell, when they have done absolutely nothing wrong as of yet. This misinformed group will not achieve much in today’s climate, where it is every dog for himself.
I predict that in a few months, if Sequitus even makes it that long, that both Lesser Jordan and Cormack MacNeill start drifting away from this imaginary political injustice that Jordan Caliban seems completely focused on righting. Perhaps a spat will break out between all three parties and it will result in a dissolution, who knows? It’s just pure entertainment for me as a spectator to watch the walls crumble down on what appears to be a fragile alliance at best.
The penultimate fact - the sad truth that despite his antics over the past few weeks, he is still not on the radar of most (if any!) of the casual WCF fans. Point number four ties in with point number three rather well. As I have mentioned, and as you would have no doubt realised if you are a loyal WCF viewer, Lesser Jordan and his ragtag group of avengers have ran rod-shod all over our weekly Sunday show. But despite their best efforts at antagonising Pantheon, the WCF suits, and close to every WCF fan in America, there’s one thing that they have failed to achieve. And it is something that in today’s professional wrestling world, you cannot do without.
Recognition.
And by that, I don’t mean respect from your peers. I mean adulation from the audience, silent nods of approval from the most staunch members of the WCF Galaxy, perhaps even a rousing round of applause whenever you approach the ring - much like I get every week when I address the crowd. Even with the numerous ways Lesser Jordan tries to engage the fans, the fact of the matter is that they are simply not interested in what he has to say! I mean, just sit back in your recliner and think about it, dear reader. Reflect on what Lesser Jordan and his cronies have done these few weeks and contemplate on whether they have affected your lives. Have they done anything so noteworthy that you just have to shake your head in disbelief?
No? Well, I guessed so. Not everyone can be as successful and interesting as yours truly, I suppose. Science is an educational tool that not everyone can master, and I am glad that I have let you all reap the benefits of my supreme mind. And by the way, you’re welcome for that.
And finally, rounding all the arguments that I have just presented is fact number five - the sad truth that Lesser Jordan is simply not in my league. I know it may seem obvious, but I’m just going to address both the physical and mental advantages I possess over him. Standing at six foot five and weighing in at approximately two hundred and forty pounds, I know I am not the biggest guy in the locker room. But Lesser Jordan, on the other hand, stands at six foot one and barely one hundred and ninety pounds. My biceps are probably the size of his thighs, and let us not even talk about the obvious difference between our two Intellectual Quotients. Enough said, don’t you think?
And there’s that, my list as to why Lesser Jordan, also known as Jordan Ciserano, is bound for failure this Sunday! I do hope he is a masochist, because The Perspicacious One is going to make him pay for even daring to step in the same ring as a true American. It’s going to be a bloodbath, so for those of you who have an aversion to gore, my advice is to stay clear. Though it may be an affront to me to have such a pathetic challenger, it is a job and such mere annoyances are a part of the job. If he thinks he is capable of challenging yours truly for the title… well, good luck.
The Formula will be taught to you.
Cheers to all, and if Lesser Jordan is smart… he’ll just skip Sunday altogether.
Remus Micayle, Ph. D.
