Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Feb 23, 2014 14:57:49 GMT -5
ICE: Hello Foam Lake, it’s your local town hero, Natural ICE Beckman and this is the TRUE ICE Man show. I am coming from you live on Foam Lake FM 100.3 W.D.O.T. Or as I like to say on the ICE Man show, Whose. DRUNK. Out. There? 101.3!! I hope this founds you staying warm and looking to have a good late night. Speaking of looking, still no sight from that David “The Ice Crap Man” Grey. Last seen…
(paper shuffle sound)
ICE: ….ever? My people are still getting back to me on that. So while we wait like a neighborhood of children on a warm summer’s day for the Ice Cream Man I might just have to talk about WCF and some of those WCF wrestlers out there I hope to one day slam head first into the mat so many times they can’t remember if they stand or sit when they piss. But before that let’s get into our first segment of the night….Bad Joke Time!!”
(Fake crowd boos play.)
ICE: Whoa, tough crowd tonight. Anyhow, here we go. Drum roll please?....Drum roll? Okay we have no drum roll noise I guess.
(A Donkey Bray noise plays.)
ICE: That’s the best we have for a drum roll? I wish my producer, Dee, was more like Ice Cream Man, because at least Grey rarely shows his face around…..Oh, well now don’t cry Dee.
(A high-pitched squeal of a microphone being turned on is head before a high-pitched crying voice follows.)
DEE: Shut UP!! I HATE YOU MORE THAN MY MOTHER!!!!
(The mic cuts off with another harsh squeal. And then a door can be heard slamming in the background.)
ICE: Man, I wish there were more options for friends in this small town. Anyways, I guess my friend PJ is going to take over as producers. He may just be a first grade graduate, but I am always telling people he is smarter than dogs, and everyone agrees dogs are smart. I guess this might work out-
(Dead Air.)
(5 Minutes Later.)
ICE: Okay, sorry about that. Maybe PJ isn’t smarter than dogs, anyhow PJ is now off the controls and my older bro John Beckman has luckily showed up. Something I don’t usually say.
John: Keep it up Natural and I will put rolly-polly back in charge.
ICE: And look, he has found out how to use the microphone, oh great. So much for this program being the ICE Man show.
John: Don’t you think that show name might be a little confusing around the WCF? I mean the cold weather gimmick seems to be a little used up around there.
ICE: You know what? They make you fill out a thing, and they say No Spaces. So I couldn’t put Natural ICE Beckman. So I put ICE man, and fuck I kinda like it, so I think I am going to keep it. And if Cookie Dough Cream or Blizzy the Boring wants to do anything about it, good news, we fight for a living! Fuck I might have to strap on the old Cocktailed Crossface on them and make them say my name in submission before I rip their arm out of their shoulder. Just so they finally understand who makes it feel cold through-out the halls of WCF.
John: Very good Natural, now can we do these bad jokes and keep this show going.
ICE: Drum roll please, oh wait, never mind. Here we go: What do you call a truck driver with a package?
John: What?
ICE: An Ice Cream Man.
John: Oh I get it like, package is also slang for a penis, yes, very good.
ICE: Don’t explain the joke, it cheapens it. Bad Joke #2. Why kind of man sells bugs from his truck to kids?
John: What?
ICE: A LICE cream Man.
John: Defiantly nailing the bad part of these jokes.
ICE: Bad Joke #3, What happened to the Ice Cream man he fought Natural ICE Beckman?
John: What?
ICE: I kicked his ass, that’s what!
John: That wasn’t a joke at all.
ICE: It’s the truth and you know the old saying, the truth is funny, isn’t that saying? Never mind. And that concludes Bad Joke Time! To be part of future Bad Joke segments just work on sucking more and eventually I will be forced to make fun of you. Alright, let’s keep this show rolling, John put caller #1 on the line.
John: Caller #1. His name is Billy Bob and surprise, surprise he is from Foam Lake. And he wants to know what you think of the new famous guy moving to town whose, and I quote, “Gone and dun’ stolen my heart.”
(John gives a happy chuckle as ICE Beckman seems a bit irritated.)
ICE: Alright.
Billy Bob: Hey, Beckman? This is Billy Bob. And I wanted to talk-
ICE: Yes, Billy Bob, we have already gone over that. What exactly do you want to say about this guy?
Billy Bob: You mean Dirk Stevens, World Famous Wild Life Hunter, Nine time winner of the-
ICE: Alright, alright, we don’t need the man’s biography.
Billy Bob: Biography what? I ain’t no good with maps Beckman.
ICE: Just say what you want about Dirk Stevens and get it over with.
Billy Bob: It’s just since I found out he was moving to Foam Lake I have been oh so happy. I mean a man of his importance of fame, a true legend to be proud to be living in your home town. We have never had some one that famous even visit our town and he’s moving here! If Dirk were a woman I would take him-
(Hang up noise.)
ICE: Alright, I had to hang up on him, I didn’t like where that was going.
John: Probably something to do with a creepy basement and a cage big enough to fit a grown man. Alright, ICE here is Caller #2, Her name is Brittni, with an i and guess what, she is from Foam Lake. And she wants to talk about, Dirk Stevens.
ICE: (sighs)
Brittni: Have you heard which cabin Dirk plans to move into. I hope it’s near mine!
ICE: Alright, thank you, next caller
(Hang up noise.)
John: This is Chuck, he is of course from Foam Lake and he wants to talk about-
ICE: Can we just get to it already? Chuck, what do you have to say?
Chuck: Dirk Stevens-
(Hang up noise.)
ICE: And that concludes the call in portion of the show tonight.
John: You seem a bit annoyed about Dirk Stevens there, Natural.
ICE: I just need to earn my town back, just like I need to earn my stripes in the WCF. Now no more calls for the rest of this show, no more talk about Dirk whoever and you know what, no more fucking talk about that little bitch Ice Cream Boy. I am done with him now, even before the match. I am going to be thinking of the internet title, the next match, hell even my shopping list, that’s how little Ice Cream Man matters anymore to me. Now let’s move onto a topic I think many of my listeners away from the shores of Foam Lake will be interested in hearing. This final segment of the program is entitled, ICE Talks WCF.
(A sexy sounding lady voice sing “ICE Talks WCF.”)
ICE: We have that, but Dee couldn’t find a drum roll sound effect. Where did he find a female singer?
John: I think that’s Dee singing.
ICE: Well, that’s disturbing. Remind me to get that changed. Let’s start our talk about WCF tonight on the topic of the big Pay Per View Event coming up, TimeBomb. First up, there is a khaotic match that is not worthy and is full of shame and will end with us all needing an endorphin rush. Then I win. Next match is a hammer without a sickle faces Tek the Wreck. Have I pissed anyone off yet?
John: The phone lines are lighting up!
ICE: Is in insulted WCF superstars wanting to feud?
John: Um, no, just locals wanting to speak about Dirk Stevens. Or as one woman called him, the only man that matters in Foam Lake.
ICE: Back to the Timebomb card from Dallas, Dr. Dork and his not-friend versus Radiation Leak and Tired Walking Dead. I don’t care about the winner, but find I the booking of Dr. Dork funny; a second rate champ in a third rate match, what does that same about the Doc? The past is getting rehashed with Matt-boo! Robinson and Mr. 420, but it seems only one of them remembers the past correctly. So many teams are going for the tag titles, seems all a WCF tag team needs is single pulse among to guys to quality for a title shot. In fact it makes me think I could win the tag titles with my old out of shape brother.
John: Hmmm, maybe I could make a comeback.
ICE: Or even I could win the titles with even PJ on my team. And he failed blood pressure tests at age 4.
John: Never mind the comeback, you insulted me.
ICE: Speaking of insults, what the fuck is the Trilogy Cup and why bother fighting for it? Is it full of booze? It better be full of something valuable to have to beat this list of guys and gals:
(ICE takes a deep breath into the mic before quickly saying-)
ICE: Ben “Giving God Grief” Arteyu, James Fetal Position, “The Failed” Jayden Blunder, My-wins “R” Steals, Waste Michaels, Bore-me-ack MacNap, Doofus Black, Serbyea, ‘The Whine’, Miss Strong Arms and Sister Followson. Whoever survives this field will have the honor of saying I once did something that WCF fans had to sit through and at the end of it I got a new drinking device.
John: Honestly, you wish you were in this Trilogy cup field don’t you?
ICE: Yep. Moving on let’s finally talk about the main event, for the World Championship. Now odds say it’s the night Waylon Cash goes broke, or Oblivion gets truly lost in oblivion, or Logan has his ticket to ride right back into the loss column. Odds makers would have to go with one of the three members of Pantheon, aka Paid with the Strap-on. Fuck, I am right when I read the owner of the place is in the match and he brought two allies, sounds like around the WCF conspiracy theories are real lazy. The bond Pantheon seems to have probably will to lead them to victory, but at the same time defeat. While Jonny Fly on the Wall says it won’t matter if he loses his belt, bitterness will begin to fill him like a high tide. And soon his buddies will begin to watch their backs, trust will begin to crumble via seemingly harmless jokes and the super stable will crumble under their own suspicions. Trust me for I have lived that experience within a stable before. It is coming and the smart ones in Pantheon are planning for it already. Or they will be super awesome forever, if so, guys I am hired gun you would grow to love.
John: Well Natural, thankfully for my patience’s sake, it appears the show’s time is just about over, any last thoughts?
ICE: I want big things in WCF and to earn those things as quick as possible I need to make bigger statements then blogs, tweets or chatter. I need to make waves with the thing that matters the most, actions, for they always speak louder than words. The Fuse is lit and now it’s time for the bomb to go off. And to any out there listening with anger for me in their hearts remember, my name is Natural ICE Beckman and I am easy to find. Now goodnight WCF, goodnight Foam Lake, it’s time to GET DRUNK!
John: Um, Natural, one last thing. When exactly is your flight to Dallas leave from Milwaukee?
ICE: 10 in the morning.
John: Well it is six a.m. now, and it takes 5 hours to drive to Milwaukee from Foam Lake. So, shouldn’t you be already one the road?
ICE: Oh shit! Time to drive 100 miles per hour, good thing I am perfectly buzzed for the right mix of confidence and recklessness. See you in Dallas WCF!!
(With a quick flip of a switch the show ends. The promo fades from the single radio station camera shot to the following final image…)
