Post by Natural ICE Beckman on Feb 18, 2014 22:01:03 GMT -5
(Welcome to the Natural ICE Promo and knowing ICE there is no better way to start then with a joke. So here is the Drunk Money Inc.'s Top Ten List of the Week....
(A brisk wind blows over the frozen ice of Foam Lake. The howl of a wolf pack is heard in the distance. We continue into the scene, across the lake of frozen ice, to a wooden cabin among the pine trees. Inside the cabin Natural ICE Beckman sleeps in his bed, allowing the sheets to become disarranged as he rolls back in forth as he dreams. We see his dreams as clear as he does…)
Lil’ ICE: Come here boy, come here!
(A brown lab puppy dog comes running towards the young round faced ICE Beckman. The dream is in slow motion as the puppy beings to lick ICE’s rosy cheeks. The two enjoy their slow motion moment as an ice cream truck music pipes into his unconscious. It is playing with a slow evil tone. Suddenly he snaps awake with someone shaking him!)
DEE: ICE! ICE! You have a match at the WCF Timebomb Pay Per View!
ICE: I know, it’s against David “The Ice Cream Man” Grey.
DEE: How did you know that? Did you foresee it in your dreams?
(Some eerie music plays as the camera dramatically zooms in on ICE!)
ICE: Um, nope, I read the newly posted Timebomb card before I went to bed. It was up after your bedtime.
DEE: Hey, that's my mom's rule, not mine! Although I do hate getting caught awake by her after 9:30.
ICE: Just GO! And leave me be.
(ICE Beckman waits for the mumbling Dee to leave his room before he throws aside his blanket. However he forgot the two lake whores under the covers and quickly recovers their nude bodies before the camera man can get too good of look. ICE finds his jeans on the floor and takes a deep breath before exiting the bedroom. The scene fades to the following words upon a black background…
You’ve all felt the cold.
This winter is an Omen.
ICE Man has Cometh.
(The screen on which you are viewing this program begins to fade away from the poem as the next image fades in…)
John Beckman (as narrator): You are Watching Foam Lake T.V. Public Access Channel 7. Please stand by for a special announcement….
(The screen shot begins to turn to a fuzz….and from there the picture returns in focus to the Foam Lake town hall and bar. The walls are covered with dead animal heads, taxidermy fish trophies and old pictures of past hunting glories. But the focus is on a stage in the middle of the hall. Wooden planks make up the stage as two red blankets makes up the curtain.)
John Beckman (as narrator): People of Foam Lake and the World of wrestling, introducing a man on the comeback trail! He is once again bound for glory and honor amongst the morons wrestling fans-
(From somewhere you hear ICE Beckman call out.)
ICE: HEY, NO AD-LIBS!! STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
John: Fine, Ladies and Gentleman (mumbles under his breath)…or at least the three of you who came….(back to a shout)… Here is the ICE man, Natural ICE Beckman!!
(“Feels Good Inc.” by The Gorillaz begins to play from a boom box located to the side of the stage. The red blanket begins to rise over the stage as Natural ICE Beckman walks out to just a staggered applause. ICE doesn’t notice the small crowd at first as he raises his hands into the air like one would do if celebrating a great victory. By the time he reaches the podium he adjust his view from the rafters down to see the many empty folding cheers with a disappointed expression.)
ICE: What the fuck is this?! No one is here! Reminds me of an ice cream truck line in January.
(An old man in the crowd wakes from a nap and begins to clap.)
ICE: Little late, old man. Dee, John, what the fuck is with this empty room? This was supposed to be my big return announcement ceremony. I was looking to speak my usual words of greatness followed by, I don’t know, maybe being carried off by the town folk like the local legend I am. The sort of big time moment that would shake the souls of every WCF wrestler, from the simple ice cream truck vendor to Johnny Not just a fly on the Wall.
(From off stage two men walks up to ICE Beckman. First to speak is Dee, a skinny man looking down at the floor, and then John, a cocky man paying little attention to his little brother ICE’s current worries.)
Dee: Well, um, sorry ICE, but the town isn’t too, well, they aren’t , uh well.
John: What this coward Dee, is trying to say is, Natural, people in Foam Lake don’t care about you anymore. You are a thing of the past, and considering this is a town that thinks of CDs as the wave of the future, that’s pretty bad.
ICE: Well then how do I win them back?
John: Personally I say good riddance, but for some reason you like it here.
ICE: I’ll have you know brother, this is my Home! Also, they have the lowest alcohol tax legally allowed in the United States.
DEE: If you want people to like you sponsoring a Star Trek: Next Generation marathon at the local cinema always works for me.
ICE: Any non-dorky ideas?
John: Well considering you are facing an ice cream truck man-
(With those simple words ICE Beckman’s conscious escapes him as he is transported back to the past. Back into the world he was in before during his dream. Lil’ ICE is sitting on the street curb playing with his cute brown puppy. As the eerie slow motion ice cream truck theme music plays, Lil’ ICE looks up from his fun to see an ice cream truck coming his way. He begins to show the terror of his thoughts in his face as he sees the truck speed towards him. Quickly ICE snaps back to reality!!)
DEE: Hey ICE, wake up?!
John: What was that all about? Are you mixing cough medicine and whiskey again?
ICE: No, I am not making Jack Robitussins. Just do me a favor and show David Grey the ice cream truck board menu I made him. Let him read what I think of him and his silly gimmick. I need to remind this town why I am the only thing worth talking about during the Green Bay Packers off season. Now run the image!
(ICE Beckman grabs his jean jacket as he walks down the aisle of folding chairs towards the exit. The applauding old man tries to grab him for a high five, but ICE brushes him off while deep in a frustrated concentration. )
John: My brother, Natural, is wound up tighter than WCF stable mates who have to fight one another.
Dee: Don’t worry ICE will find his cool soon enough. And even if he doesn't, he’ll snap. Just hopefully not before the Timebomb show. One could say he is a Ticking Timebomb. Huh, huh?
John: Shut up.
(John Beckman heads off the stage shaking his head as Dee follows behind as the scene ends with the following funny image…)
(…Later in the show we see Natural ICE Beckman walking down the road in Foam Lake. As in THE road. Foam Lake has only one road which goes in a circle around the lake. ICE is kicking at the pebbles on the shoulder of the road deep in hazy thoughts when a sudden scream catches his ears!)
ICE: Someone has fallen into the frozen lake! And by the sounds of the high pitched screams it’s a woman. If I save a Foam Laker's life they are all bound to worship me again!
(Natural ICE Beckman finishes the last of his beer before throwing it aside and running towards the icy lake. As he runs onto the ICE he sees the person’s arms failing just above the water once last time before they go down under the water. ICE doesn't stop to think, not that he usually does, and begins to crawl out on the ice towards the hole. As he reaches the edges he can hear the ice cracking a little. He reaches down into the freezing water and grabs for a hand. At first he grabs an empty oil can and throws that aside. Then he gets an old shoe. Then a nudey magazine, which he pockets. Then some an old basketball.)
ICE: Shit this lake is polluted!
(He finally reaches down and finds a hand. He uses all his might and pulls out........a big fat man. ICE drags the blue faced man towards the lake shore. Once there the fat man turns on his side and pukes out a gallon of water. His color turns from blue to flush as he catches his breath. ICE looks upon he like usual, with disgust, pity and disappointment. )
ICE: What the fuck PJ? How did you possibly crash through the ice, it’s the dead of winter and we are in Northern Wisconsin?
PJ: I was…(still catching his breath.) ….trying to….bring…a beer keg…home. Had it….on my shoulder…but it was real….heavy.
ICE: How did you afford a keg?
PJ: Found it…outside a Ed’s bar…whole bunch of ‘um and...no one was around but a truck with even more kegs!!
ICE: That’s called stealing.
PJ: Not if no one cares.
ICE: Getting away with stealing doesn't make it not stealing. Take David Grey, no one seems to care that he stole a roster spot from the WCF roster, but it's still stealing.
PJ: Well sorry we can’t all be like you with all that free ice cream you are going to get.
ICE: What are you fucking talking about now?
PJ: After you beat that guy in wrestling, that Ice Cream guy.
(With the single mention of the Ice Cream man, Natural ICE Beckman snaps back to his dream world. The ice cream music is more intense now and the truck is speeding recklessly at him and his puppy. With fear over taking him ICE lets go of the dog who runs right into the path of truck killing the dog suddenly in a splatter of brown fur, bones and blood!! Lil’ ICE screams in sheer terror as the truck continues towards him!! He snaps back to reality with the sound of a loud burp. ICE Beckman sees PJ burping water from his lungs. ICE gets to the feet, shakes the cobwebs loose and brushes his jean jacket clean.)
ICE: Well PJ, saving you will gain me no favor in this town. In fact with all the people in this town you have wronged via your drunk driving, lawn urinating or projectile vomiting I probably would have won more favor in letting you die.
PJ: My bitch of a wife won’t be happy I am alive!
ICE: Well at least there’s that. (ICE Beckman looks back and forth along the road.) You know for as much time as we have been here there should have been at least one or two cars past, where is everyone?
PJ: I think I heard something about some famous guy coming to town. I think everyone is gathering by the church to see him, like, ah, get here.
(Before Natural ICE can comment, a car finally can be heard coming. ICE knows the black BMW as his brothers as it comes to a stop next to his feet. As dust from the gravel kicks up Dee and John Beckman get out and join the rest of the crew.)
DEE: What the heck happened here? PJ, why are you all wet?
John: Did he piss all over his whole body again?
(Which would have been a joke except for the fact John had unfortunately seen him do it before.)
ICE: He fell in the lake carrying a keg he stole. But PJ doesn’t matter.
John: Not the first time PJ has heard that.
PJ: Not the first time I've heard that, today!
ICE: What matters is I need a ride to the church. Some hot shot is here and thinks to steal my thunder. And I tend to do something about that.
DEE: Is this have something to do with David “The ICE Cream Man” Grey?
ICE: That Ice cream truck driver is going to pay for what he did to my puppy!
John: What? And you know you are the one who made him be an ICE cream truck driver, maybe he is just some guy who really likes ice cream.
ICE: Well the real only other thing I have heard about him is that he wrestles in a thong. And I didn't want to touch that.
John: I bet Dee would want to touch that.
ICE: Shut up! Well, I mean that was funny, but Shut Up. It’s all coming back to me! Me as a boy, my little puppy, the ice cream truck coming at me….
(With a flash we are back for a final time in the dream world with Lil’ ICE sitting on the curb. But this time he remembers things different, but truly as they actually happened. Lil’ ICE had been sitting on the curb when suddenly a brown rat ran onto his lap. Frighten by the sewer rat, ICE looked up and flung him at the front of an oncoming ice cream truck killing the rat upon impact. The ice cream truck comes to a stop and the driver walks out and over to Lil’ ICE.)
Ice Cream Truck Driver: That was some scary rat, how about a free cone on me?
(Lil’ ICE bobs his head up and down. The driver grabs Lil’ ICE’s hand and leads him to the truck on the beautiful summer day. ICE shakes his head from the memory and quickly explains the actually memory of the ice cream truck man.)
DEE: So you weren’t scared of the ice cream man after all?
ICE: Of course not. Who the fuck is scared of the ice cream man? I mean what the fuck is that guy doing in the world of wrestling. I mean I know the WCF is full of monsters and ghouls and pricks, but an ice cream man? Who the fuck is going to worry about a skinny geek in a prissy uniform?
John: Maybe that is why it’s scary?
ICE: OHHHHH…..(ICE thinks about it for a moment)…No, it’s just dumb. Now to the car, I need to win my town back.
(The four members that make up the Drunk Money Crew walk to the black luxury car. They pile in as the scene fades and the show ends to one final funny image….
Drunk Money INC presents. Fun for kids of all ages. The new party game….
PIN THE ICE CREAM ON THE JOBBER!!
Coming Soon.....Bryan “Buzz” Worthy Operation: The board game.
(A brisk wind blows over the frozen ice of Foam Lake. The howl of a wolf pack is heard in the distance. We continue into the scene, across the lake of frozen ice, to a wooden cabin among the pine trees. Inside the cabin Natural ICE Beckman sleeps in his bed, allowing the sheets to become disarranged as he rolls back in forth as he dreams. We see his dreams as clear as he does…)
Lil’ ICE: Come here boy, come here!
(A brown lab puppy dog comes running towards the young round faced ICE Beckman. The dream is in slow motion as the puppy beings to lick ICE’s rosy cheeks. The two enjoy their slow motion moment as an ice cream truck music pipes into his unconscious. It is playing with a slow evil tone. Suddenly he snaps awake with someone shaking him!)
DEE: ICE! ICE! You have a match at the WCF Timebomb Pay Per View!
ICE: I know, it’s against David “The Ice Cream Man” Grey.
DEE: How did you know that? Did you foresee it in your dreams?
(Some eerie music plays as the camera dramatically zooms in on ICE!)
ICE: Um, nope, I read the newly posted Timebomb card before I went to bed. It was up after your bedtime.
DEE: Hey, that's my mom's rule, not mine! Although I do hate getting caught awake by her after 9:30.
ICE: Just GO! And leave me be.
(ICE Beckman waits for the mumbling Dee to leave his room before he throws aside his blanket. However he forgot the two lake whores under the covers and quickly recovers their nude bodies before the camera man can get too good of look. ICE finds his jeans on the floor and takes a deep breath before exiting the bedroom. The scene fades to the following words upon a black background…
You’ve all felt the cold.
This winter is an Omen.
ICE Man has Cometh.
(The screen on which you are viewing this program begins to fade away from the poem as the next image fades in…)
John Beckman (as narrator): You are Watching Foam Lake T.V. Public Access Channel 7. Please stand by for a special announcement….
(The screen shot begins to turn to a fuzz….and from there the picture returns in focus to the Foam Lake town hall and bar. The walls are covered with dead animal heads, taxidermy fish trophies and old pictures of past hunting glories. But the focus is on a stage in the middle of the hall. Wooden planks make up the stage as two red blankets makes up the curtain.)
John Beckman (as narrator): People of Foam Lake and the World of wrestling, introducing a man on the comeback trail! He is once again bound for glory and honor amongst the morons wrestling fans-
(From somewhere you hear ICE Beckman call out.)
ICE: HEY, NO AD-LIBS!! STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
John: Fine, Ladies and Gentleman (mumbles under his breath)…or at least the three of you who came….(back to a shout)… Here is the ICE man, Natural ICE Beckman!!
(“Feels Good Inc.” by The Gorillaz begins to play from a boom box located to the side of the stage. The red blanket begins to rise over the stage as Natural ICE Beckman walks out to just a staggered applause. ICE doesn’t notice the small crowd at first as he raises his hands into the air like one would do if celebrating a great victory. By the time he reaches the podium he adjust his view from the rafters down to see the many empty folding cheers with a disappointed expression.)
ICE: What the fuck is this?! No one is here! Reminds me of an ice cream truck line in January.
(An old man in the crowd wakes from a nap and begins to clap.)
ICE: Little late, old man. Dee, John, what the fuck is with this empty room? This was supposed to be my big return announcement ceremony. I was looking to speak my usual words of greatness followed by, I don’t know, maybe being carried off by the town folk like the local legend I am. The sort of big time moment that would shake the souls of every WCF wrestler, from the simple ice cream truck vendor to Johnny Not just a fly on the Wall.
(From off stage two men walks up to ICE Beckman. First to speak is Dee, a skinny man looking down at the floor, and then John, a cocky man paying little attention to his little brother ICE’s current worries.)
Dee: Well, um, sorry ICE, but the town isn’t too, well, they aren’t , uh well.
John: What this coward Dee, is trying to say is, Natural, people in Foam Lake don’t care about you anymore. You are a thing of the past, and considering this is a town that thinks of CDs as the wave of the future, that’s pretty bad.
ICE: Well then how do I win them back?
John: Personally I say good riddance, but for some reason you like it here.
ICE: I’ll have you know brother, this is my Home! Also, they have the lowest alcohol tax legally allowed in the United States.
DEE: If you want people to like you sponsoring a Star Trek: Next Generation marathon at the local cinema always works for me.
ICE: Any non-dorky ideas?
John: Well considering you are facing an ice cream truck man-
(With those simple words ICE Beckman’s conscious escapes him as he is transported back to the past. Back into the world he was in before during his dream. Lil’ ICE is sitting on the street curb playing with his cute brown puppy. As the eerie slow motion ice cream truck theme music plays, Lil’ ICE looks up from his fun to see an ice cream truck coming his way. He begins to show the terror of his thoughts in his face as he sees the truck speed towards him. Quickly ICE snaps back to reality!!)
DEE: Hey ICE, wake up?!
John: What was that all about? Are you mixing cough medicine and whiskey again?
ICE: No, I am not making Jack Robitussins. Just do me a favor and show David Grey the ice cream truck board menu I made him. Let him read what I think of him and his silly gimmick. I need to remind this town why I am the only thing worth talking about during the Green Bay Packers off season. Now run the image!
(ICE Beckman grabs his jean jacket as he walks down the aisle of folding chairs towards the exit. The applauding old man tries to grab him for a high five, but ICE brushes him off while deep in a frustrated concentration. )
John: My brother, Natural, is wound up tighter than WCF stable mates who have to fight one another.
Dee: Don’t worry ICE will find his cool soon enough. And even if he doesn't, he’ll snap. Just hopefully not before the Timebomb show. One could say he is a Ticking Timebomb. Huh, huh?
John: Shut up.
(John Beckman heads off the stage shaking his head as Dee follows behind as the scene ends with the following funny image…)
(…Later in the show we see Natural ICE Beckman walking down the road in Foam Lake. As in THE road. Foam Lake has only one road which goes in a circle around the lake. ICE is kicking at the pebbles on the shoulder of the road deep in hazy thoughts when a sudden scream catches his ears!)
ICE: Someone has fallen into the frozen lake! And by the sounds of the high pitched screams it’s a woman. If I save a Foam Laker's life they are all bound to worship me again!
(Natural ICE Beckman finishes the last of his beer before throwing it aside and running towards the icy lake. As he runs onto the ICE he sees the person’s arms failing just above the water once last time before they go down under the water. ICE doesn't stop to think, not that he usually does, and begins to crawl out on the ice towards the hole. As he reaches the edges he can hear the ice cracking a little. He reaches down into the freezing water and grabs for a hand. At first he grabs an empty oil can and throws that aside. Then he gets an old shoe. Then a nudey magazine, which he pockets. Then some an old basketball.)
ICE: Shit this lake is polluted!
(He finally reaches down and finds a hand. He uses all his might and pulls out........a big fat man. ICE drags the blue faced man towards the lake shore. Once there the fat man turns on his side and pukes out a gallon of water. His color turns from blue to flush as he catches his breath. ICE looks upon he like usual, with disgust, pity and disappointment. )
ICE: What the fuck PJ? How did you possibly crash through the ice, it’s the dead of winter and we are in Northern Wisconsin?
PJ: I was…(still catching his breath.) ….trying to….bring…a beer keg…home. Had it….on my shoulder…but it was real….heavy.
ICE: How did you afford a keg?
PJ: Found it…outside a Ed’s bar…whole bunch of ‘um and...no one was around but a truck with even more kegs!!
ICE: That’s called stealing.
PJ: Not if no one cares.
ICE: Getting away with stealing doesn't make it not stealing. Take David Grey, no one seems to care that he stole a roster spot from the WCF roster, but it's still stealing.
PJ: Well sorry we can’t all be like you with all that free ice cream you are going to get.
ICE: What are you fucking talking about now?
PJ: After you beat that guy in wrestling, that Ice Cream guy.
(With the single mention of the Ice Cream man, Natural ICE Beckman snaps back to his dream world. The ice cream music is more intense now and the truck is speeding recklessly at him and his puppy. With fear over taking him ICE lets go of the dog who runs right into the path of truck killing the dog suddenly in a splatter of brown fur, bones and blood!! Lil’ ICE screams in sheer terror as the truck continues towards him!! He snaps back to reality with the sound of a loud burp. ICE Beckman sees PJ burping water from his lungs. ICE gets to the feet, shakes the cobwebs loose and brushes his jean jacket clean.)
ICE: Well PJ, saving you will gain me no favor in this town. In fact with all the people in this town you have wronged via your drunk driving, lawn urinating or projectile vomiting I probably would have won more favor in letting you die.
PJ: My bitch of a wife won’t be happy I am alive!
ICE: Well at least there’s that. (ICE Beckman looks back and forth along the road.) You know for as much time as we have been here there should have been at least one or two cars past, where is everyone?
PJ: I think I heard something about some famous guy coming to town. I think everyone is gathering by the church to see him, like, ah, get here.
(Before Natural ICE can comment, a car finally can be heard coming. ICE knows the black BMW as his brothers as it comes to a stop next to his feet. As dust from the gravel kicks up Dee and John Beckman get out and join the rest of the crew.)
DEE: What the heck happened here? PJ, why are you all wet?
John: Did he piss all over his whole body again?
(Which would have been a joke except for the fact John had unfortunately seen him do it before.)
ICE: He fell in the lake carrying a keg he stole. But PJ doesn’t matter.
John: Not the first time PJ has heard that.
PJ: Not the first time I've heard that, today!
ICE: What matters is I need a ride to the church. Some hot shot is here and thinks to steal my thunder. And I tend to do something about that.
DEE: Is this have something to do with David “The ICE Cream Man” Grey?
ICE: That Ice cream truck driver is going to pay for what he did to my puppy!
John: What? And you know you are the one who made him be an ICE cream truck driver, maybe he is just some guy who really likes ice cream.
ICE: Well the real only other thing I have heard about him is that he wrestles in a thong. And I didn't want to touch that.
John: I bet Dee would want to touch that.
ICE: Shut up! Well, I mean that was funny, but Shut Up. It’s all coming back to me! Me as a boy, my little puppy, the ice cream truck coming at me….
(With a flash we are back for a final time in the dream world with Lil’ ICE sitting on the curb. But this time he remembers things different, but truly as they actually happened. Lil’ ICE had been sitting on the curb when suddenly a brown rat ran onto his lap. Frighten by the sewer rat, ICE looked up and flung him at the front of an oncoming ice cream truck killing the rat upon impact. The ice cream truck comes to a stop and the driver walks out and over to Lil’ ICE.)
Ice Cream Truck Driver: That was some scary rat, how about a free cone on me?
(Lil’ ICE bobs his head up and down. The driver grabs Lil’ ICE’s hand and leads him to the truck on the beautiful summer day. ICE shakes his head from the memory and quickly explains the actually memory of the ice cream truck man.)
DEE: So you weren’t scared of the ice cream man after all?
ICE: Of course not. Who the fuck is scared of the ice cream man? I mean what the fuck is that guy doing in the world of wrestling. I mean I know the WCF is full of monsters and ghouls and pricks, but an ice cream man? Who the fuck is going to worry about a skinny geek in a prissy uniform?
John: Maybe that is why it’s scary?
ICE: OHHHHH…..(ICE thinks about it for a moment)…No, it’s just dumb. Now to the car, I need to win my town back.
(The four members that make up the Drunk Money Crew walk to the black luxury car. They pile in as the scene fades and the show ends to one final funny image….
Drunk Money INC presents. Fun for kids of all ages. The new party game….
PIN THE ICE CREAM ON THE JOBBER!!
Coming Soon.....Bryan “Buzz” Worthy Operation: The board game.
